Trust Me E-Book

Nick Morgan

• Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
• Kategorie: Fachliteratur
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2008

Seitenzahl: 270

Beschreibung

Nick Morgan shows how anyone can be an effective speaker by presenting an image of authenticity and respect for their audience, whether in a group presentation or a one-on-one conversation. He presents a four-step process, perfected in his teaching at Harvard, that enables the reader to use their own personal speaking style while becoming a more persuasive and charismatic communicator and leader. The basis of this process is the fact that when words and body language are in conflict, body language wins every time. This isn't easy to overcome, because normally body language is immediate, while the words lag slightly behind, and even a momentary conflict is perceptible to the audience. The key to success is to train your body language to unconsciously align with your message. The four steps: * Form the attitude and intent to be open, and then let your body naturally express that intent. This feeling of openness will naturally affect the content of what you are saying, and it's that natural evolution that is at the heart of the process. * Become connected to your audience. This creates a mutual energy, and you will naturally begin to think in terms of what the audience wants and needs in shaping your content. * Ask yourself, what's my underlying emotion? Why does this matter to me? Becoming passionate about what you have to say naturally makes your audience care about it too. * Really listen to the audience. Understanding their needs and reactions will enable you to direct your communication in mutually beneficial ways.

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Dedication

Introduction

WE ARE ALL UNCONSCIOUS EXPERTS IN EACH OTHER’S BODY LANGUAGE

THE PROBLEM COMES WHEN YOU MAKE THE UNCONSCIOUS CONSCIOUS

HOW THIS BOOK IS ORGANIZED

Chapter 1 - Leaders Need Both Charisma and Authenticity

EVERY COMMUNICATION IS TWO CONVERSATIONS

GESTURE CAN CONVEY MEANING INDEPENDENT OF WORDS

OUR MOST IMPORTANT DIALOGUES WITH OTHERS TAKE PLACE NONVERBALLY

HOW IS INTENT SIGNALED THROUGH GESTURE?

UNCONSCIOUS THOUGHT IS FASTER AND MORE EFFICIENT THAN CONSCIOUS THOUGHT

THE TWO CONVERSATIONS DON’T HAVE TO BE CONNECTED

MASTER BOTH CONVERSATIONS, ESPECIALLY THE SECOND

THE CAMERA IS ALWAYS ON YOU

WHAT IS CHARISMA?

WHAT IS AUTHENTICITY?

Chapter 2 - Aligning the Two Conversations Will Make You a Powerful Communicator

WE UNCONSCIOUSLY ASCRIBE INTENT TO THE GESTURES WE SEE

OUR INSTINCT FOR SELF-PRESERVATION CAN BETRAY US

THINK ABOUT YOUR INTENT, NOT YOUR GESTURE

THE PARADOX OF LEADERSHIP IS THAT YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE TO LOOK SPONTANEOUS

WE WANT LEADERS WHO LOOK REAL

THERE IS A SIMPLE WAY TO MASTER THE TWO CONVERSATIONS

Chapter 3 - Being Open, Part OneHow to Master the Verbal Conversation

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE OPEN AND HOW TO DO IT

WHEN THERE ARE DISAGREEMENTS BETWEEN THE PARTIES

WHEN NOT TO BE COMPLETELY OPEN

CONCLUDING AN OPEN COMMUNICATION

Chapter 4 - Being Open, Part TwoHow to Master the Nonverbal Conversation

THE ESSENTIAL GOAL: TRUST

THE PHYSICAL COMPONENTS OF OPENNESS

READING NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

CHANGING NONVERBAL BEHAVIOR

CREATING A NEW PERSONA THROUGH COMMUNICATION

AN EXAMPLE

Chapter 5 - Being Connected, Part OneHow to Master the Verbal Connection

FOCUS ON THE AUDIENCE’S CONCERNS

USE LANGUAGE FAMILIAR TO THE AUDIENCE

BE DIRECT AND SIMPLE

USE YOU AND WE

REMEMBER THAT COMMUNICATION IS RECIPROCAL

BE CONSISTENT

PAY ATTENTION TO THE SOCIAL ASPECT

USE THE CALL OF YOUR OWN TRIBE

EMBRACE THE NEW

Chapter 6 - Being Connected, Part TwoHow to Master the Nonverbal Connection

CONNECTION IS CLOSENESS

HOW TO USE SOCIAL AND INTIMATE SPACE

SIGNAL YOUR INTENT WITH YOUR POSTURE

NOW CREATE THE INTENT TO BE CONNECTED

Chapter 7 - How to Be Passionate with Content

LABEL THE EMOTION

TELL AN UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH

USE VERBAL RESTRAINT

CONVEY EMOTION THROUGH RHETORIC

USE TROPES AND METAPHORICAL DEVICES

Chapter 8 - How to Be Passionate Nonverbally

TRAIN, CARE FOR, AND USE YOUR VOICE

OTHER WAYS TO DEMONSTRATE PASSION

Chapter 9 - Listening, Part OneHow to Listen Verbally—and Charismatically

THE NEED FOR FOLLOWERS

FEEDBACK

PARAPHRASING

CLARIFYING

EMPATHIC LISTENING

Chapter 10 - Listening, Part TwoHow to Listen Nonverbally—and Charismatically

LISTEN WITH YOUR WHOLE BODY

THIN-SLICING

A WANNABE CFO WHO LACKED ESSENTIAL SKILLS

PUT A POWERFUL TOOL TO WORK

Chapter 11 - How to Read Others

THE OPEN-CLOSED CONTINUUM

THE SINCERE-INSINCERE CONTINUUM

THE ALLIED-OPPOSED CONTINUUM

THE POWERFUL-SUBSERVIENT CONTINUUM

THE COMMITTED-UNCOMMITTED CONTINUUM

OTHER CULTURES

Chapter 12 - Principles of Persuasive Content

Chapter 13 - Principles of Persuasive Nonverbal Communication

Chapter 14 - ConclusionLeadership Is Communication

CONTROL YOUR BODY LANGUAGE BY CONTROLLING YOUR INTENT

WATCH OUT FOR ROADBLOCKS TO ALIGNING THE VERBAL AND NONVERBAL

USE YOUR ADRENALINE

WHAT TO DO IF IT’S REALLY STRESSFUL

NEVER BE AFRAID AGAIN

WE HUMANS HAVE TO GET ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH

WHY WE GESTURE

WHY DO WE TALK, THEN?

GESTURES COME FIRST

GRASP THE IMPORTANCE OF BOTH CONVERSATIONS

Notes

Acknowledgements

The Author

Index

Copyright © 2009 by Nick Morgan

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eISBN : 978-0-470-47556-0

To Nikki, even more than before

Introduction

Every communication is two conversations: the verbal one—the content—and the nonverbal one—the body language. If the two are aligned, you can be a persuasive, authentic communicator. You may even come across as charismatic. If the two are not aligned, people believe the nonverbal communication every time—and you will not seem authentic, even if you’re just authentically nervous! People will believe that you’re faking, or hiding something, or not completely present.

Most of us tend to think of the first conversation, the content, as the important one. We worry a lot about what to say when we’re preparing for an important meeting, giving a big speech, or proposing marriage. And yet we rarely give as much thought to the second conversation: the body language. Then when the communication doesn’t go well, we’re surprised and don’t understand why.

The reason is usually that our two conversations have been in conflict with one another. Our words were confident perhaps, but our body language—the second conversation—was nervous. And as research into how the brain works grows in depth and sophistication, we’re coming to understand that what I’m calling the second conversation is actually more important in some ways than the first one.

We’re still learning about the brain, but it is clear that our normal, everyday working model of it is a little outmoded. Most of us think that we’re relatively rational beings. We get a thought, we decide to act on it, we instruct our bodies to move, and they do. So, for example, we wake up in the morning and think, “I need a cup of coffee.” Our brain then instructs our body to go to the kitchen, prepare the coffee, get the mug out of the kitchen cabinet, and drink ourselves into wakefulness.

But it doesn’t actually work that way much of the time. We get nonverbal impulses for a lot of the important things that drive us: relationships, safety, emotional needs, fears, desires, meeting new people, seeing old friends, and so on. Our bodies immediately start to act on these impulses, and then, a bit later, we form a conscious thought about what we’re doing. It’s as though our rational minds are explaining to ourselves after the fact why we’re doing something. That intent comes from somewhere deep in the brain, beneath where conscious thought originates. And that intent, coming perhaps from what some call the limbic brain, governs a good deal of our supposedly rational lives.1

WE ARE ALL UNCONSCIOUS EXPERTS IN EACH OTHER’S BODY LANGUAGE

We are all unconscious experts at reading other people’s body language. We learned this from a very early age, back when our lives depended on getting food, love, shelter, and dry diapers. Nevertheless, few of us are good at reading body language consciously. Instead, we get impressions and ascribe intent to the other person. We think to ourselves, He doesn’t like me very much, or, She’s trying to cut me out, or, They really think I’m funny. And it’s at this level of intent that most of our own body language begins. If you put together this primacy of body language in many important areas of human concern, with our unconscious expertise at reading it, you get a paradox when you start to think about improving your abilities as a communicator.

Here’s the rub. If you start to think hard about your body language because you want to control it and make it align with your content so that you’re persuasive, authentic, and even charismatic, you run into a problem: you’re thinking consciously about an unconscious activity, which slows your body language down and makes it happen just a bit late. The people around you, those unconscious experts, sense that something is wrong, but they can’t put their fingers on the problem precisely. They’ll think something like, He didn’t seem real, or, She looked fake—scripted or something. They won’t tell you the real problem—that your gestures and content are out of sync—because they’re not consciously aware of what’s going on.

It needs to go like this: intent → gesture → thought → words. If you try to control your body language at the level of conscious thought, it will come out like this: thought → words → gesture. And it will look all wrong.

That’s a problem for any leader who knows that she has to communicate effectively on good days and bad, nervous or not, and prepared or not, and can’t afford to show up looking inauthentic because she’s thinking too hard about trying to appear real.

THE PROBLEM COMES WHEN YOU MAKE THE UNCONSCIOUS CONSCIOUS

The leader’s behavior is also a problem for coaches, like me, who are expert at watching body language and want to advise you, “Don’t cross your arms at that point in your presentation, because it will look defensive at a moment when you’re talking about being open.” If we coach you at the level of specific gestures, you’ll make those conscious, they’ll happen too slowly and out of sync with your thoughts, and you’ll look fake.

As I’ve coached people over the years, my clients and I have wrestled with this problem. The solution has been to practice over and over again until the coordination of word and gesture becomes second nature, or almost so.

But thanks to recent brain research and my own continuing efforts to make teaching the two conversations as simple as possible, we can now resolve the paradox with another one. This change will greatly speed up the work of turning you into a powerful, persuasive, authentic, charismatic communicator, whether you’re having a one-on-one meeting, engaging in a board-level discussion, or giving a speech to a thousand employees.

We are going to accomplish all this by having you work at the level of intent. The paradox is that you’re going to be thinking both hard and consciously, but you’ll resolve the problem by learning how to keep the work at an emotional level, like actors preparing for a role. This way, you’ll be as close to the unconscious mind as possible, even though you are consciously thinking about your communication issues.

I have developed four steps, from simple to more complex, that you can take in order to learn to communicate authentically and charismatically. If you practice these four steps as intuitively as possible, without being too conscious about what you are doing, you’ll find yourself easily resolving communications issues that may have bedeviled you for years. In addition, for those who want more detailed instruction, I lay out a series of principles of persuasive communication for both the content conversation and the gesture conversation. Take these as guidelines to use as they are appropriate for you. Different ones apply more powerfully at different times, and you can practice one and then another as you progress to become a more effective communicator.

Over and over again as I have worked with clients while developing this method, I have seen profound transformations happen quickly, even in a couple of hours. Introverted, ineffective communicators have learned to open up and take the stage with confidence and enthusiasm. It’s exciting to watch and will work for you too.

The key is not to intellectualize too much the work you’re going to do. Once you get the hang of it, it will seem easy. So take a deep breath, and jump in. Authenticity and charisma await you.

HOW THIS BOOK IS ORGANIZED

I’ve organized the book so that you can get to the practical application as quickly as possible. Chapters One and Two set out the theory. Chapters Three through Ten explain how to apply the theory to become an authentic and charismatic communicator. Chapter Eleven gives you a system to read others’ intents. Chapters Twelve and Thirteen go deep into the research and set out the principles for those who are curious about the detail. And Chapter Fourteen concludes with some more information about our nonverbal conversations and how to control fear (in communicating) for those who are afflicted with it.

1

Leaders Need Both Charisma and Authenticity

Somewhere between the twentieth and the twenty-first centuries, the general public became tired of hype and decided that it wanted authenticity instead. It’s the most important quality in leadership communications today. With it, you can move people to action. Without it, you can’t even get a hearing.