Black and white are not colors E-Book

Carlotta Libert

• Herausgeber: novum publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 212

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

Carlotta Libterts first marriage lasted fifteen years – for fifteen years she held fast to her belief that she had found true love. And for a long time, nothing could shake this belief: not the first signs of her husband's control issues, not his rules and demands, not even the beginning physical, psychological and sexualized violence that insidiously found its way into the relationship. At times, it is a very horrific, poignant, but hopeful insight into the thoughts and desires of a woman who wants to give everything for her family – and yet in the end has to realize that not every relationship can be healed. It is an encouragement for those affected and a valuable insight for anyone who wants to support victims of domestic violence.

Leseprobe

Trigger warning

This book is about triggers, i.e. triggers of difficult feelings, memories and flashbacks. The entire text contains examples of such triggers, such as violence, experiences of discrimination, etc.

Foreword

My ex-husband abused me sexually, physically, but above all psychologically and emotionally to the extreme for years, hurt me and inflicted deep scars on my children and me. Neither his biography nor his diagnosed borderline personality disorder 1 1nor his excuses, his explanations, his narcissistic traits, his problems with alcohol or his victimization can or should excuse his behavior. If he is portrayed in my comments as if one should feel sorry for him or demand understanding, this is due to the fact that I am describing my story from my memory and that my feelings and sympathy for him were like this at the time. But he always was and still is: an abuser. He will be called my "ex-husband" throughout the story, regardless of whether I was still married to him at some points or already separated. I deliberately choose this term and not a name because I am emotionally distancing myself from him. It is also important to me that I clearly distance myself from his language and his actions. I describe in detail and use his expressions. However, these are not mine.

He had a tough childhood and his family also left him with deep scars, but not facing up to these traumasand consciously using them to drive his decisions removes him from the role of victim once and for all and only makes him all the more of a perpetrator. Violence, psychological terror and emotional blackmail were his driving force in our relationship and marriage. It was a tough battle to free ourselves from this. This struggle lasted for years and wounded me and my children deeply. Finally, after various violent escapades, actually leaving him and taking my children and myself out of the marriage was a conscious decision that cost me an enormous amount of strength. I had to summon up all my courage and strength to finally take the final step. It was a decision to leave my life and the lives of my children as they knew them behind and start again. And to heal. Alone and with the help of a therapist. A not insignificant part of this healing and my therapy is this book.

Even as I was writing my story, I realized that in so many places I would have wanted to scream at my old self: "Open your eyes!", "Run away!" or ask a simple: "Why?". And even when I gave my first drafts to my friends to read, these very comments or questions kept coming back. But back then they couldn't ask me these questions, because I was completely alone and withdrawn with my life and my decisions by my own choice. That's why I wrote down my questions at exactly these points in my story and asked them to myself, because I can imagine that the questions will also arise for the readers at exactly these moments. And my friends finally have their say too. Even though I was already excluding them more and more from everything back then, they had observations and question marks the whole time. I wouldn't have listened to them back then. But today I give them the right to describe their view of me and my marriage and to ask me questions about. And I have tried to find answers, from my perspective at the time and also from my current view of the events. Because hopefully this is the only way this warning can really be understood as a warning. Some situations will certainly remain uncommented or some questions unanswered. It simply seems impossible to clarify everything. Therefore, the questions asked are only intended to show by way of example that, in retrospect, there were countless situations where I should have left. The answers can also only show what my motives were at the time. Perhaps there are also other perspectives or other answers from readers. In the end, everyone has to find their own way of dealing with things and this is mine.

My story is not written in chronological order. Instead, I have divided it into different chapters on different key experiences, some of which took place at the same time in my life. Even though this may be confusing for readers, it seems to me to be more helpful when it comes to showing the psychological disorders and forms of representation of this toxic marriage in its extreme symptoms. That's why, for example, there is one chapter that only deals with the violence and another that is about our children and family life. However, both took place in parallel. However, in order to provide something of a common thread, I add my age in key situations and refer to other situations in the hope that people can understand my life and the spiral in which I was trapped.

1Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness. It is characterized by impulsivity, unstable but intense interpersonal relationships, rapid mood changes and a fluctuating self-image due to impaired self-perception. This is often accompanied by self-harming behavior, feelings of inner emptiness, experiences of dissociation and fear of abandonment. Symptoms of BPD can be triggered by situations that others perceive as normal.

About me

I have often been confronted with the stereotypical idea that violence and dysfunctional relationships are usually found in people who were confronted with violence in their childhood and youth. Or - according to the general idea - there must be dysfunctional or broken family relationships. But this is often not the case. Anyone, whether male or female, educated or less educated, poor, rich, from a "good home" or socially disadvantaged, can become a victim of violence. Anyone can suddenly find themselves in a violent relationship.

I had a very sheltered upbringing and was a daughter in an emotionally stable home. I was born in 1979 and my younger brother was born a few years later. I still have a very good relationship with him and also with my father. My mother died when I was 34 years old. My entire family, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and cousins, are relatively numerous, and our circle of friends and acquaintances was and still is quite extensive. So there was a lot going on in my childhood and youth, and my friends were always welcome. We always treated each other with respect and understanding. I learned that we should be there for each other and support each other. Being there for each other is still an integral part of my life today and has a significant influence on my decisions.

It was always important to my parents that I was healthy and could have a carefree childhood. I learned that there are solutions for every kind of grief, worry or problem, that you should never give up and that there is always hope. Wehave very often supported friends or family members or accompanied them in difficult times. For me, that was a matter of course. It was always important to talk about all problems and solve them together. Violence or aggression were foreign words to me, even more so; the concept of violence - physical and psychological - was an absoluteno-goin our family. My performance at school was average and I generally didn't like it, because friends and having fun were the most important things in life. I also never had to come home with A's, average grades were praised and I was comforted if I did worse. My mother had established a bit of a "laissez-faire" pedagogy for herself. Nevertheless, in the end it was enough for my Abitur. My father had a somewhat stricter manner overall, but couldn't always stand up to my mother and let us children get away with the odd thing. Nevertheless, he tended to have a dominant streak, usually knew everything better and his opinion was very high up on the agenda for the rest of the family. I learned to accept that and let him be. Time has shown that he has become a little more yielding and softer as he has grown older. Changing him back then would probably have had little success anyway. He was usually right and I secretly admired him a little for always being able to find a solution for everything. All in all, both parents were dominant in their own way, I tended to keep a diplomatic distance and harmony was the most important thing for me in my family. My hobbies - various sports, music and all kinds of pets - were always and unconditionally supported, as was my passion for horses and riding. I experienced the first crisis in our family when I was about 14 years old, when my mother fell seriously ill for the first time. Of course, I took over some of the household chores with my father and looked after my brother, supporting my mother as much as I could during this time. We got through the therapies, weeks-long spa stays and everything that went with it together. When I was 30, my mother fell ill again and it was the beginning of the end. She fought for four years, a fight that ended with her death. During those years of fighting, I was there for her as best I could. I supported her wherever I could, I was just there with her.

I had my first steady boyfriend when I was 16 and the relationship lasted a little over a year. After that, I had a boyfriend for about two years, and the third relationship lasted until I went to university, when I broke away from my parents as was normal for my age. These first boyfriends I had were caring and thoroughly loving people. There was the usual heartache and jealousy, everything that goes with the process of growing up. But nothing about my first relationships shaped me for what was to come with my ex-husband. In the fairly short periods when I was single, I had the odd affair, even a one-night stand. I was not a child of sadness, but excessive drug parties, debauched sexual escapades and the like were never for me. After graduating from high school, I started to study, but dropped out after five semesters because the course was too theoretical for me and I felt the need to fill my everyday life with something practical. During this period of my studies, I got my own horse, which I looked after, had the usual student jobs and led a completely normal life. After dropping out of university, I started an apprenticeship. During my training, I got together with my ex-husband, whom I had already known for a few years at that point. My book will primarily be about this marriage. My two biological children were born during this time.

I consider myself to be an intelligent woman, I'm good-looking and I'm not at all a mouthful. Nevertheless, there must be something in and about me that allowed me to become smaller and weaker during my marriage.Today, in 2022, I am 42 and live about 400 kilometers away from my ex-husband. I have started a new life with my children and my current partner and have been in therapy since shortly after the separation. My children are also receiving psychological help. I've found a great job and can finally feel what it means to be at home, to have arrived in life. Although I am still in the process of leaving behind me, my steps are getting bigger every day and I look back less and less. My therapist continues to support me and my children are also being well looked after therapeutically. It will still take time, but things are moving forward. I have freed myself and I can live again without being afraid. I am taking my life and my destiny into my own hands and I am happy.

Chapter 1 - For Susanne and for me

Overall, I can't say how far I should go to make it all tangible here. In fact, I just sat down and initially tried to write everything down chronologically so that I wouldn't forget anything. So now I'm writing my story down for myself, so that I can deal with all the situations again, and for my children. So that one day I can answer everything for them when they ask me what happened back then. And for Susanne. Susanne is a person I don't know at all. All I know is that she's my ex-husband's new partner. I could go and say that this new relationship is none of my business, which is honestly the case. But what if you know what my ex-husband is capable of? Or, more generally, what someone is capable of when he or she suffers from a personality disorder and affects people around them, be it family, friends or even just the neighbor in the house next door?

If I see a child running into the street and a car is coming, don't I have to warn them, help them, maybe even save their lives? The dramatic thing is that my words might actually help to save Susanne's life if she was aware of them. However, I can say from memory that I would hardly have consciously listened in the same situation. If anything could have shaken me up back then, it would have been absolutely clear evidence - videos, photos, witnesses - in which I would have seen his violence. And even then, I might have believed him. I'm sure he would have convinced me to forgive him, to trust him after all. And yet I would have liked someone to warn me or at least try. Or someone who could have planted a seed of doubt in my mind. I would have liked to have had a choice.

Why didn't I have the choice? Because no one told me or because I was caught up in the whole circus far too quickly? And if the second is the case, why should Susanne have the choice? Did I really never once have a bad gut feeling? And if so, why did I ignore it so much?

I was far too deeply anchored in my new relationship with my ex-husband far too quickly. He was the absolute center of my life, my anchor. After a very short time, I was no longer aware of a world beyond our togetherness. One of the main tasks of this book is to explain how he managed to get me so wrapped up that I weighed every word he said on the gold scale from the very beginning. Today, I could never forgive myself if he did something to Susanne without me at least trying to reach out to her. I still can't believe that I accepted such a violent relationship and marriage as my fate for so many years, that I put up with it and endured it for so long. If someone had said these things to me about him in the early days of my relationship, I probably wouldn't have believed them, I was so blinded. That's why I have to take into account that Susanne won't believe me either. If her relationship with my ex-husband is just as intense in the early days, that's even likely. Maybe she will stay, maybe my book and my reports about my life with her new boyfriend will have no effect. It's not my responsibility to make her decisions. Given the current situation, I doubt very much that he will change himself and his life. As long as he doesn't seek real help - outside of a relationship dominated by him- as long as he continues to cling to his dysfunctional victim role, he will remain a perpetrator!

I thought about reporting him for his actions for a long time, but I wasn't sure whether my children and I would survive the whole ordeal of interrogation. I also didn't know whether and to what extent all the psychological aspects would be taken into account. Do the police and the court know what it means to live in a co-dependent 2relationship? How one ends up in co-dependency? That from a certain point onwards, you only replace your own feelings with those of your partner and make them your own without questioning them? And how do children cope when they are confronted with the fact that their own father is an abuser? Far beyond what they already felt? When their father is condemned in public? Would their view of me also change as a result of a trial?

After a lot of thought and consideration, I have now made a conscious decision not to go to court. Not because I think he should get away with his behavior. The real reasons lie in Germany's legal system. Some of his crimes are now time-barred and several consultations with lawyers and victim support services revealed that the prospect of success was only very moderate and that there was a high risk of acquitting him of everything before the law. And I certainly don't want to give him this feeling of innocence. Above all, however, I am firmly convinced that my story must be told, but above all it must be told to my childrenwhen they are old enough and ready to learn all the details. And a court hearing would impose this very confrontation right now. Today I know that I should have reported him directly after every offense, that I should have gone to the doctor to gather evidence. That way, I would still have a fair chance in court today. So my first request is to all those who find themselves in a similar situation: Document everything. Go to the doctor, to the hospital, record everything. Because if you can free yourself at some point, then you have the power to draw further consequences. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Today I know the following: Even if I can't hold him responsible in court, I have now removed myself from his power by starting a new life 400 kilometers away. Contact between him and his children has been reduced to an absolute minimum, mainly because my children no longer want to have any contact with him.

I have withdrawn from his power so that I no longer have to look for explanations and excuses for his behavior - just so that I can somehow bear it all. I am free.

I have withdrawn from his power so that I can make my own decisions and the decisions for my children alone and no longer have to be afraid of him.

And I am withdrawing more and more from his power by "unloading" my entire history with him more and more from myself. That is also why I am writing this book. It will be my "external hard drive" on which this part of my life will be stored, but will no longer play a role in my everyday life.

My children are valuable, I am valuable and we only have this one life.

And this life does not deserve violence!

2Co-dependency can arise when partner A is in a dependent relationship with something and supports partner B out of self-interest. Partner B then lives in a co-dependent relationship. In a co-dependent boderline relationship, the partner does everything for the person affected and puts their own needs in the background. This perpetuates or even exacerbates the mental disorder.

Chapter 2 - All beginnings are pink

I met him when I was about 19 years old. He was 26 at the time and I met him at a concert of the band I was playing accordion in at the time. After the concert, he spoke to me and regretted the poor sound of the system. He said he was sad that my instrument hadn't been heard at all. That stuck because someone showed serious interest in me. He was also a professional, which thrilled me. That doesn't happen very often. Apart from that, he was simply very nice and empathetic.

He was still in another band with my guitarist at the time. So I met him at concerts from time to time, but never really had anything to do with him. I also never thought that he was interested in me. After all, we hardly had anything to do with each other. He had a large, well-running creative workshop for young and old, and his hobby band was very popular, at least locally. Although I was a fan of his music, I had no personal interest in him. It felt like he knew millions of people and I didn't think he even had me on his radar. I also had my own musical circles and there just weren't enough interfaces.

Surprisingly, he approached me again at another concert. He asked me if I was a bit arrogant. After all, I would never greet him when I saw him. Even though we knew each other. It was such an unusual conversation opener that this encounter also stuck with me. I would never have thought it possible that he would even remember me, let alone that he would have expected me to make contact with him. His unusual mannercaptivated me right from the start. In principle, he had already shown me with this sentence that he was the powerful, the dominant one in his relationships. From then on, we talked more and more often at concerts when we met and got to know each other better and better, even becoming friends.

My friend Dani described her first meeting with him as follows: "The guy really put me off from the start. Why did he think he could get away with such arrogant behavior? And why was my friend Carlotta so willing to be the weaker one in their relationship?"

"Why, Carlotta, did you want someone to have power over you? Or did you massively overestimate your skills and couldn't admit to yourself that you couldn't handle this "great" guy? Did you see yourself as a failure? Did you want to prove something to him?"

For me, our friendship felt equal, we met as equals. In my opinion, his dominant manner in some conversations was balanced out by his very sensitive and delicate manner in others. He told me early on about his broken family relationships and aroused pity and compassion. I had the impression that it did him good to be taken seriously and perhaps comforted. However, from my perspective at the time, I didn't develop a helper syndrome. I didn't want to save him. I just wanted to be there for him as a friend. On an equal footing, just like he was there for me.

He was an extraordinary, multi-talented musician, which totally fascinated me, as I had also been making music all my life. He was self-employed with a creative workshopand offered all kinds of courses in the artistic, and in some cases musical, field. His clientele consisted of children, young people and adults. So he must have had a talent for teaching. I was studying to be a teacher at the time and of course I immediately felt a connection with him. He was also a sportsman. I, who had always been into sports myself, was simply taken with all these similarities.

I had heard that he had a son with his girlfriend at the time and that he had already taken responsibility for another child from a previous relationship with her. Although I was only in my early 20s, I knew even then that I wanted to start a family later and have children of my own. A man who was prepared to take on this responsibility seemed like the perfect partner to me at the time and I was a little jealous that another woman had "snatched" this man.

His empathy and knowledge of human nature were added to his already fascinating qualities. He could almost read me like a book in every conversation, he recognized my emotional state, was particularly attentive and the more often we met, the more profound our conversations became. I felt more and more that he knew me inside out and that I could really confide in him without being judged. I actually thought that he was a person with whom I could be myself through and through. I only knew this ease of being together and this trust from my family and so I just felt very safe with him. And he was incredibly funny. His sayings, his spontaneity really stood out. I loved his humor, we could laugh so much. During this whole time, we were both always in relationships, so nothing else could ever develop other than a friendship that grew deeper and deeper.