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- Herausgeber: Honno Press
- Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
" ""There is the river, always, inhabited and inhabiting, a susurration through bodies, minds, and landscape in Miller's gorgeous prose."" Elaine Canning One young woman disappears as another returns. Alice has turned to the river looking to drown the voices in her head. Khadija has come home to uncover the terrible history hidden beneath its surface. The London train screeches by while the rest of the town is still asleep along the banks of the Tamar. They'll wake up that morning to find that everything, and nothing, has changed. Sooner or later, the river pulls them all. Sooner or later, someone falls... A story of friendship and love, Miller crafts an unfolding psychological mystery, blending lyrical storytelling with a cast of strong female characters. ""A masterful and devastating exploration of the ties binding a small town together.""Carole Hailey "
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iii
FALL RIVER
Meredith Miller
HONNO MODERN FICTION
v
For my daughter, Maiavi
vii
h is the muscle of anger
p is the muscle of sorrow
g is the muscle for biting
g n m is the same muscle
ot is the muscle of anger
Leonardoviii
Contents
2016
2
Chapter 1
You might not have noticed her. You’d be distracted, maybe, by the spectacular curve of river and steel resolving out of the dark, the black hills hulking against the sky either side. The bridges, old and new, thrust into the rock of the banks. From, say, high up and god-like on the bridge tower observing the whole grand sweep of it all, one hunched-over girl with her hair tucked into her hoodie slouching her way down from South Pill to the landing stage wouldn’t necessarily catch your eye. Less important than a sparrow, really.
She has tucked in the hair on purpose, because no one ever misses that. Even in security footage it looks ginger. Her trainers blur a glow into the air, but that blends into all the visual noise of the streetlights, traffic lights, bridge lights, the red and green sparks on the channel buoys, the porch lights, the strings of bulbs on the floating docks. Saltash doesn’t get dark. The surrounding hills disappear after sunset and the rest of the Hamoaze looks like fallen sky. Even the bees get night and day confused here.
Alice throws her upper body back and lets her feet fall down the hill the way people do, having grown up on these tall banks best friends with gravity. The river is flat below her. Like glass, they say, like a mill pond. But the river Alice knows is full of screams and sharp edges, oil fires and boilers exploding and the whistle of bodies falling at gathering speed, the hard slap of the surface.
History silts up below the bridges. Alice can hear it.
She steps onto the mud without taking her trainers off. The river is cold, but it doesn’t shock her. Her body forgot how to shiver weeks ago. Muddy water seeps in, gritty between her toes, and Alice remembers three sets of painted toenails resting on the open window of her bedroom. Three colours of cousin hair hanging off the bed: hers, Jo’s and Khadija’s. They are laughing 4and the sun is warm on the bottoms of their feet, blinding into the blue behind them.
Her memories are so full of heat and light they force her pupils into pinpricks even in the dark. They burn up out of her skin in red blotches. Pictures of her life, flashing past. So that turns out to be true.
The sky is lightening behind Normandy Hill but the river is still thick with dark. Ernesettle is a starless place across the water. In the world outside of Alice, nothing appears or disappears below the lights at Royal Navy Air Defence.
The riverbed is soft under the shallows. She moves across it quickly, in up to her thighs and the pulse beats through her skin into the freezing current.
It rises cold over her belt, like Charlie’s cold hand on the small of her back. Charlie with his tongue in her mouth. The heat then, coming up through her stomach and into her breath, the gasping and the letting go. She can remember it, but she wouldn’t be able to get there again. Her skin still sends her messages, but Alice isn’t listening anymore.
She is used to the way her body lies, wishing to be touched, to be warm and fed and clean and anything other than what it is – crying for quiet all the time. All you need to shut it up is trust. Trust in the nothing, in the invisible inevitable, in whatever airless, waterless, dark hereafter is there, after.
She rests her chin on the river so that its surface fills up most of the world, then the hills and one slice of lightening sky.
Jo buried Alice up to her chin on the beach once. Alice was six years old, so Jo was maybe nine or ten, Aunt Jan’s sunglasses falling down the sunken little-girl bridge of her nose. Through those glasses Jo saw another world for them, full of cocktails and liposuction and paparazzi shots of the three of them climbing out of a hire car laughing and flashing their pants. Then she took the glasses off and they were in Cornwall again, temporary summer toffs sneering 5down at them in the sudden painful light. The burn on the skin of Alice’s nose, the sun bleaching the fire out of her hair.
The river will put her out like a candle.
She will tumble into the current and one cold rush will wash away everything that flashes and sparks behind her eyes.
She dips her mouth below the surface and sees a cold girl on a metal table. A crime drama girl, covered in cuts with bruises on her neck. Her skin is the colour of the television dead, the colour Alice’s skin has always been. There is a picture like that every night on every channel. Someone with private troubles and a crumpled coat will break the rules to find out why the girl is on the table.
But nothing happens unless she dies first. There is no story until the girl dies.
Bye, bird. Bye. Then the empty river against the sky.
Some gulls have found a bin bag somewhere up Fore Street. Their screeching rides high up over the river, above the sleeper train clacking through the cutting from St Budeaux and out onto Brunel’s bridge.
Below the A38 extension, Alice’s body sends the water up and out in circles from the point at which the last of her has disappeared. Then the surface lies flat while the muffled sun rises and the traffic begins to move. No one thinks to look for Alice until noon.
Inside the train, a woman sleeps sitting up, head resting on her balled-up mac. Leaves, torn by the open window from railway sidings somewhere in Somerset, are sprinkled over the table and snagged in her hair. She looks old enough to buy vodka without answering questions and young enough to be able to sleep soundly sitting up on a train. This is Khadija Sleep, coming home.
Her eyelids are still; maybe she isn’t sleeping at all? When a voice from the tannoy in North Yard drifts in through the train window, the muscles tighten at one side of her mouth. She turns her body away, lifts an arm to cover her ear. Of course it’s no use. Khadija takes a breath and turns her head to look.
6At 6:30 on leap year morning, the Navy yard is the brightest thing on the river. It’s lit up like Hollywood or heaven, like no one ever dies there. There is a personnel carrier in Weston Mill Lake, sitting so high it rises in front of the council flats at Barne Barton. From a distance the layers flatten out, as if you could jump from one of the balconies and fall through the cancerous air right onto the top deck.
Apart from the new smokestack pouring a darker shadow out against the sky over the estate, six years have made no difference at all. Khadija stands up and shakes out her coat. She twists her hair into a knot that won’t stay and moves between the carriages to stare down at the Union Pub, one hand out to steady her suitcase while the train clatters over Brunel’s bridge.
It curves round toward the Cornwall bank, aiming now at Wearde Quay and the big house on the hill. Khadija puts a hand up to her neck and digs her fingers into the ache there. You’d think she was older just then, watching her shrink in the face of that view.
At first glance, the water is blank below her, covering the riverbed and pretending it would float you. Khadija knows the muddy bottom underneath, waiting to hold your ankles so the river can choke you. Mud two metres deep, made of rotting grass from up the valley, pesticides carried downstream, animal guts and blood hardened into the iron on the bridges. The rows of pleasure boats strung along the moorings are bobbing on top of all the bones and plastic trash and piss and nonsense that make up every river on this island, twisting down to open their mouths and sick into the sea.
A rippling circle on the surface of the river catches the light under the road bridge. A cormorant diving maybe, or something heavy tossed from a car. Or maybe it’s the Tamar swallowing one more stranger’s sadness, turning another person into a body, putting somebody else to sleep.
Khadija feels for the receipt crumpled in the pocket of her coat, signed by the server in a Russian restaurant in Primrose Hill. Farah might once have wanted it, to put with all the other till receipts she used to keep stuffed in a boot box at the bottom of her closet. She 7used to say she’d be able to reconstruct, years from now, where she’d been and what she’d done on any given day, from the receipts. When they first met at uni, she’d get the guards to let her through train station turnstiles so her tickets wouldn’t get swallowed, ask for a paper receipt every time she bought a bottle of water or a KitKat. In addition to the boot box, there were several plastic grocery bags full of older receipts tied up under Farah’s bed in halls.
The other night, Khadija paid for the whole dinner just to be sure she’d be the one to keep the record of it: £43 at 21:52 on a particular Wednesday. What was eaten, how much was drunk, at the last supper.
The carriage lurches over the points and Khadija’s suitcase rolls away. When she ducks to catch it the automatic door stutters and disturbs the weekenders, trying to sleep until Penzance. No one on holiday needs to wake up before Bodmin. The stations in east Cornwall release a different sort of people, people pushed inland, people who reached up the line and got pulled back again, riding standard class. All over the country, train lines are ending stories just like this one.
She almost misses the sight of her mother’s window, half-covered in street light, Aunt Tammy’s in the shadow of the bridge. Apart from one, every person Khadija loves is on that hillside, breathing into their pillows in the dark. Jo and Alice and Beth Kennedy, all connected by their parents and their past. Her mother and Aunt Jan, Dylan and Aunt Debbie and Tammy, all strung together with dead relatives and bridge cables. None of that is important enough to stop the Night-time Riviera; the sleeper flies right through Saltash station.
She’ll get off at Liskeard and wait for the up train, drinking crap tea and looking at sheep. Looking at others like her, who have moved to London and back again, failed and fallen in on themselves. All the pathetic backdrops are still waiting at all the stations, ready to swallow everyone who comes home for Christmas or Eid, for funerals or birthdays or babies. For good. Back out to 8the edges, back down under the rain, where all the trains are above ground and all the money washes away up the line.
In Liskeard station, she will enjoy her last few minutes of invisibility, the last time she’ll be far enough from home to disappear into her surroundings. No one is expecting her; even her mother doesn’t know she’s on the sleeper. The talk will start soon enough, why ring ahead? Somebody will spot her on Fore Street and get straight on the phone.
Guess what, me lover? I just seen Khadi Sleep outside the chippy. Yes, I’m sure! She’s back.
Wonder who’ll die this time?
Here she is, cutting into the middle of things once again, like a misplaced full stop. Ending shit. She passed the eleven plus, broke the surface of the river and leapt like a fish up into the London air. This is her, falling back down again.
Nothing to see here. Just gravity. Splash.
It in’t daylight yet, but that don’t make any difference round Saltash. Tammy Williams comes out the back of her house and looks up at the bridge. In around the sound of traffic overhead there’s some other rumbling, and a feeling, too. Like it’s almost ready to storm, or it’s 1941 and a doodlebug just finished whistling and went silent. Like the wind is sucking into itself, getting ready to blow them all over.
Tamara Williams is little and wiry, with hair the colour of the river. Lines like estuary mud all down her cheeks and her arms. Sixty is older in Saltash than it is in Mannamead, but livelier too. The women don’t drawl here; they shout and cackle and some of them whine. Not Tammy, of course.
She looks down at her namesake, meaning the river not Tammy Wynette. It’s smooth as sheet metal and acting like it has nothing to tell. Tammy isn’t fooled. Fooling Tamara Williams isn’t easy.
‘’Course, Tammy doesn’t remember 1941, just the grown-ups talking about it, back when the cottages were still standing against 9Brunel’s pylons and the A38 bridge was brand new. The way people go on, you’d think everyone remembers. You’d think it was last year.
The rumbling from up the hill gets louder now. Someone is dragging a case over the cobbles in the mews.
Lots of people living round here have seen blitzes, of course. They’ve seen houses implode into rubble with families underneath, roads full of craters, people running with their bloody screaming children in their arms. But none of that is in England and people don’t talk about it at all. The kids go off from here into a blank silence and come back again missing limbs, but it stays in their dreams. Meaning Tammy is the one who has to deal with it. Sometimes she wakes up screaming too, with all they things in her head.
Or they come back like Craig Kennedy, broken mostly on the inside and in love with some drug or somebody they think will make it fade. Craig’s drug was Khadija Sleep.
Whatever is rumbling through the mews comes out into the road now, louder than the helicopters from HMS Drake and the early traffic on the bridge above Tammy’s roof.
She turns to look and there is the girl herself, Khadija, rolling a case heavier than she is down toward their terrace. She’s taller than last time she came home, but it wouldn’t be Khadi’s height or her eyes or the shape of her face that Tammy would recognise in the half light. It’s the way she holds her shoulders up and her chin sideways, like there’s just been a loud bang, or she can’t quite stand to look you in the eyes. Been away all that time and she’s still holding herself that way. Distance done her no good at all.
Maybe it was the sleeper train coming past that woke Tammy. Usually, she don’t even notice it. She’s been hearing it every day but Sunday for most of her life, so it tends to fold right into her dreams.
‘Khadi,’ she smiles and holds her arms out. ‘Hug, right now.’
‘Hey, Aunt Tammy.’ Khadija takes a bit of a look at her own house, like maybe she’ll get used to it one glimpse at a time. ‘How you been keeping?’
10‘You come on the sleeper? Where’s your taxi?’
‘I waited at Liskeard for the up train.’
‘Your mother know you’re here?’
‘I didn’t tell her the train. She’d’ve been up all night.’
But Carol hears, of course. Between their terrace and the bridge towers, sounds bounce around the road and back against themselves like gunshots in a western film. No such thing as a private conversation in their road. Carol Sleep opens her front door in a football shirt and pants, showing the world her teenager’s legs. Her face, though. Carol has a smoker’s face. Right now, it looks like she’s about to cry.
‘Hiya, Mum.’ Khadija gives a small, sarcastic smile and waves.
‘Well, I got to go up to Mrs Osborne,’ Tammy says. ‘Come over for a cuppa later and tell me everything, Khadi. I’ll do your cards.’ Tammy turns away. God knows those two need some time.
If Khadija hadn’t turned up, Tammy would have said something. Knocked Carol up and told her something was wrong. Or, if it had been anyone else coming down the hill, she’d have stopped them and tried to raise an alarm. Because something is wrong, isn’t it? It wasn’t Khadija dragging that suitcase that woke her up, and be honest, it wasn’t the sound of the sleeper. What woke Tammy up was the river. A wave of something cold and hollow come up off the water and blew right into her. Someone told her to get up. Shouted, even. She was gasping into the dark before her eyes were all the way open, sat up knowing something had happened down there. You could call it a bad dream if you like it better that way.
It wasn’t till later that day it would occur to her. The coincidence wasn’t half unsettling, Khadija Sleep coming home after so long right at that particular moment. Just when Tammy had thought her name, and Craig Kennedy’s. And, as it turned out, later, just when Khadija’s cousin Alice disappeared.
Chapter 2
Tammy uses her key to open Mrs Osborne’s door at a quarter till eight, then takes an extra minute to herself on the doorstep. If you don’t remember to gather in all your breath before you face Nora Osborne, she’ll take it away and leave you gasping.
The fridge hums far away in the kitchen and the case clock just next to her ticks against the foyer tiles. Tammy turns to look down the front lawn and over the roofs above the boatyard. The river stares up at her from between rows of moored boats without blinking or rippling. She gives it back her best poker face, not letting on about the falling men and drowning girls and the poison leaking into the water behind her eyes. She’s been pretending like that all her life. The trick to living with a soul like Tamara Williams’ is learning to fake it early and never forgetting how. If you can’t, the world moves back and forth through your skin until you don’t know where the end of you is. Until you fall apart like wet tissue in the rain.
‘Close the door, Tamara. You’ll let the mizzle in.’
‘Sorry I’m late.’
‘The only one who minds about that is you. Why don’t you make some tea? My son left those revolting doughnuts.’
Nora is in the wingback chair facing the closed curtains, barefoot in her nightgown. There is no point giving her a blanket or asking where her slippers are, so Tammy lays out the tea things and starts on the kitchen while the kettle boils. You have to use a whistler, and a bunch of unrelated crockery from around in the cupboards. Nora hates for things to match. Tammy wipes the wooden tray with linseed oil before she piles everything on. You can’t smell the tea through the chemical stink.
When she puts the tray on the coffee table and starts moving things 12from the rest of the surfaces, Nora barks at her to sit down. Tammy takes the sofa, looking at Nora’s profile and her thick yellow toenails.
‘How you keeping, Mrs Osborne?’
‘Exactly as I was last week. It’s very relaxing, this stagnation. One day you’ll see.’
Not likely. Tammy’ll die first, but she doesn’t say it. ‘I’m going to open these curtains. The light is good for you.’
‘You are not a nurse, Tamara. What’s good for me is none of your business.’
‘Well, I’m doing it. Get up and fight me if you like.’
‘Don’t be vulgar.’ She doesn’t mean that. She likes it when Tammy talks back to her.
‘Guess who came home today?’ It slips out as soon as Tammy lets the sight of the river in through the window. She wishes she’d left the curtains and her mouth closed.
‘I have no way of knowing. Will I care?’
‘Khadija Sleep. Carol’s daughter. She came on the sleeper without telling anybody first.’
‘Well, that fits, doesn’t it? Thoughtless girl.’
‘You’ve not met her, have you?’
‘I know about her, don’t I? We all do,’ Nora sniffs. ‘And the mother, as well. Not much of a chance for the girl, raised by that one.’
‘Go on and take the blanket. You’re making me cold.’
Tammy holds out a crocheted thing that clashes with the chair and the sofa, wondering who made it. Certainly not Nora.
‘Carol Sleep is the sort of woman who doesn’t mind what she ruins.’ Nora ignores the blanket. ‘Probably doesn’t even notice everything crashing down around her. The kind that never looks around or behind.’
‘Carol’s had a tough time. She can’t let herself be loved.’
‘Ha! You must be the only person in town who believes that.’
‘That isn’t love, and you know it. She’s all right.’
‘Tell that to any woman around here with sons.’
‘We’ve all got old, Mrs Osborne. None of that matters now.’
13‘I’m going back to bed.’ Nora puts a hand on the arm of the chair to push herself up, then stands for a minute steadying herself before she turns and shuffles away.
She won’t be sleeping, just reading a Georgette Heyer in the bedroom with the curtains drawn. She hates the light. She’s like a rat or a cockroach, but slower. Well, the hoovering is easier without her in the way.
Tammy does the front room and the dining room, careful to leave some dust bunnies behind the radiators. The smell of burning dust will comfort Nora when the radiators kick on. It’s not something she ever said, but she don’t hide much. Not from Tammy, anyway.
The siren goes at North Yard while Tammy is running some laundry and doing the kitchen floor. The washing machine drowns out the sound of that awful hallway clock, but not the siren. That’s how Tammy knows it’s 11:30 when the spin cycle shakes the dishes on the draining board and makes the light shimmer on the wet floor. No one needs a clock on the Hamoaze, even if a clock could tell you how time works here.
Tammy takes a deck of playing cards from a drawer and brings it to the table, shuffling it while she waits for the washing. Three of spades is the card she pulls first.
Cards and kitchen tables are what Tammy knows best. Wheelback chairs and rush seats, particle board from IKEA, old farmhouse salvage and new-money upholstered dining sets. And the women, women, women, sitting at them with all their questions written right on their faces, lipstick leaking into the cracks around their mouths, the streaks in their hair that tell Tammy everything she needs to know about the state of their marriage and the callousness of their selfish children. They gasp and nod at each other when she repeats back at them the things they’ve only just told her with their wringing hands and the shape of their mouths.
Three of spades. A conflict. Something tipped off balance. Heartbreak. She leans the card up against the bag of doughnuts Nora’s son Anthony has left on the table. Nasty piece of work, 14Anthony Osborne. The kind of man Tammy’s father called a crafty idiot. Whatever Nora may be, she doesn’t deserve that man for her only child. The washing machine whines, then shifts the sheets back and forth one time before it goes still and the light blinks off.
An hour later, Tammy comes into the master bedroom with the washing basket. Nora is dressed and peeking through a crack in the curtains.
‘Leave that, Tamara. I’ll put the sheets away,’ she says to the sky over Torpoint.
She’s upset; something’s unsettled her. ‘Go on. Tell me.’
‘I don’t like that Sleep girl,’ Nora says.
‘Well, she didn’t come back to bother you. Don’t worry about her.’
‘I’ve never believed her story about Craig Kennedy.’
There’s such a knot of denial and resentment in those words, Tammy wouldn’t know where to begin to talk back to it.
‘I put fresh curtains up in the front room. I’ll drop the others at Johnson’s this afternoon.’
‘Thank you, Tamara. Anthony will collect them.’
There is an envelope on the hall table with Tammy’s full name on it, written in a palsied hand. The paper smells of Yves St Laurent, even though Nora Osborne only ever smells of musty skin under Pear’s Soap. The three of spades is still on the kitchen table and the clean curtains are open. By afternoon everything will be gone and closed.
Drops of moisture sit still in the air in Nora’s front yard, not quite heavy enough to fall. There is a flash of copper on the river, but when Tammy turns her head it’s gone. She closes her eyes and sees long hair streaming in the current like bloody watergrass, takes three steps in the dark before she looks again. There is the water lying like slate, lying like a politician at the door.
You have to watch that river. You have to watch it all the time, or it plays tricks and tells you things you don’t want or need to know. 15When Tammy pushes the light switch in her own hallway, nothing happens.
‘Breaker’s off, Aunt Tammy.’ It’s her nephew, Ben, up a ladder in the sitting room.
‘Look at you, mister.’ Tammy tilts her head back to see him, bent below the ceiling. ‘I remember when your dad fit between the sofa cushions.’
‘You squished Dad in the cushions? That’s mean, Aunt Tammy.’ Ben lowers his drill and laughs.
‘I lay him in the crook so he wouldn’t roll off. It was my job to look after him while Mum cooked tea. He had a pushed-in nose and skin like a pillow all over.’
Now little Harry has Ben and two others, a wife and a car full of plaster dust, big steel-toed boots and scratch cards on the passenger seat. Tammy remembers when he widened his eyes and opened his mouth in shock if you only hid a ball of wool and brought it back again. When he smelled of Calpol and snot. When the rest of them were still here in the house, in the body.
‘Come down off the ladder, Ben. It’s nearly dark; you can do that tomorrow.’
He’s putting a brace to the old light fixture so he can earth it properly.
‘Nearly done, old bird.’
She can see him falling, been seeing it for years. Ever since he was little, she could never stand to see him on top of things. But Ben was always a climber. He used to shimmy up the street light and come in through her upstairs window when he was nine.
‘I want you to sit down and tell me about yourself. Ain’t seen you in ages.’
‘Seen you last week.’ Voice like his mother’s, not Harry’s. No matter how close he is it sounds far away. ‘Listen, Aunt Tammy, you should hoover up and wipe down everything in here with a damp rag, in case Uncle Micky used asbestos.’
‘In here?’
16‘He might’ve. Lads bring all sorts home from the dockyard. Asbestos brown board all over in these houses round here.’
It was the white stuff, not the brown, that killed Tammy’s husband Micky. They put that in the paperwork like it mattered. There’s kinds of asbestos, apparently. The white stuff takes years to suffocate you, but it does the job in the end.
Nothing about Micky broke up or broke off, just stiffened and got heavier until he couldn’t move his ribs, until he gasped every word and lived flat on his back next to a little explosive tank of oxygen. At the end, they let him stay right in his own room, his heart pounding through the covers, trying to make up for what his lungs weren’t doing anymore. Tammy put her cards away for months and made Victoria sponge for the home care nurse. Most people came once and quickly, and then didn’t come again.
Well, even Micky’s been gone more than fifteen years, and anyway, when he was here in the body he took up a lot of space with everything but his brain. Back when he was upright and walking, he used to turn sideways to get through doors. It was a pain in the neck to clean around him. He voted for Thatcher and shook his head at everyone under thirty like it was all their fault. All what? Well, he wasn’t specific. Tammy don’t vote at all. It’s hard to convince yourself voting matters when you can hear the future coming.
Micky wasn’t the only one to die like that, with his own body making rocks in his lungs. Craig Kennedy’s father, too, half of the fitters and most all the laggers who worked down the dockyard in the seventies.
Tammy screws up her eyes and rubs them with a thumb and forefinger. ‘It feels like ages since I seen you, Ben. How’s Jo, anyhow?’
‘She’s fine, glowing. You going to congratulate me? I’m having a baby.’
‘Jo’s baby. Girl, that one.’ Jo with the little jewel inside her belly, sparkling. Emerald? She’ll be named for something shining anyhow. Green eyes. ‘How far along is she?’
‘Thirty-eight weeks. Coming any day now.’
17‘She’ll be a good little mother, just like mine. Smiling and doing her hair and skipping up and down the stairs with her little baby girl.’
‘My baby, too. Whatever is Jo’s is mine. You told me that years ago and I didn’t listen to ya.’
He holds the fixture up against the ceiling and the battery-powered drill screeches into the wood, so loud she can’t hear her own reply.
‘Well, people find their own way. It’s when they don’t I have to hear about it.’ The drill stops and the rest of the room gets louder. ‘Please get down, Ben. You’re spooking me.’
‘I stand on ladders all day, Aunt Tammy. It’s my job.’
He used to climb the pylons under the railroad bridge at high tide, jump off into the river and swim round to Town Quay, go up Kingsmill Lake to zip back and forth on water skis. Like frogs, the boys round Saltash, grown up around so much mud with so much in it. So many half-water girls like Alice Tregidga. Like Tammy.
‘Ben, something’s wrong. Something went wrong this morning, in the river.’
‘You worry too much. Sometimes it turns out to be nothing, in’t it?’
‘They won’t find her. They won’t be able to see.’
‘Won’t find who?’
‘Alice. She’ll be wearing a boy’s hoodie. Wearing bright shoes.’
‘Alice Tregidga gone walkabout again, has she? She upsets Jo, I’ll—’
‘No one knows yet. Her hair come out of that hood, all loose. It turned around her neck and picked up all the thickness in the water.’
‘Don’t think about it, lovely. You know what Alice is like, just likes to wind people up. Been driving Jo nuts ever since the other cousin left.’
‘Well, Khadi’s back now and all.’
‘Khadija Sleep? What’s she doing back just when everyone’s got over her?’
‘She’s all right. Try and understand her. She’s your family, now.’
18‘I know if you love someone you gotta love their family and all, but bloody hell, Aunt Tammy, that lot are intense.’
‘Them girls crossed over each other like wires this morning, coming and going. Tangling up, under and over. I’m worried, Ben. It was me should’ve helped that maid.’
‘Who, Khadi Sleep? She helps herself, don’t she?’
‘No. Alice. She’s like me, Ben. I should’ve helped her.’
‘You do nothing but help people. Stop worrying just for a minute. Tell me about something else instead. How’s that old bag up the hill keeping?’
‘Mrs Osborne? She’s fine.’
Ben carries on talking, but the rest of them are speaking, too. The spirits are all talking at once this morning. They’re agitated, excited even. It’s like this when the river swallows someone; they rise up, chattering. ‘Tar and tangled, it’s on her skin like blood, red veins on top of the blue. She’s out of the blue.’
Did she say that out loud?
Ben comes down off the ladder and it goes quiet for a minute. Tammy’s lungs open up. He’s come down on his feet, step by step. He’s fine.
‘Sit down.’ Ben puts a hand on her, acting just like his father now. Looking straight in her eyes, fixing her back to the floor.
‘Now I’m done, how about a cuppa?’ he says.
A while later, he’s in front of her holding a cup. He puts his hand on her shoulder again, acting like she’s ill.
‘You don’t know, Ben.’ She can’t see his face in the shadow of the sky and the water behind him. ‘You can’t go in the river. Not if you’re like us, me and Alice.’
‘We don’t know where she went, Aunt Tammy. She’ll probably be home by now. Drink that. It’s OK.’
‘The river is loud; you can’t imagine the noise. She can’t hear us. She’s nowhere here, nowhere near us.’
‘You’re upset, Aunt Tammy. I get it. But you can’t do nothing till you’re asked, so relax for a bit.’
19He sits down beside her and puts an arm around her shoulders, stretching out his boots. When did he get to be another one with long legs, stretching his dusty boots along her carpet? Another one who tells her it isn’t real? She leans her head on him and looks at the hills turning the colour of old pennies in the falling sun, the river shrinking up toward Calstock, and past that where it gets too small to swallow anybody’s children at all. Up there, sad girls can wade in up to their ankles, shiver and tiptoe until the cold pulls all the poison out through the souls of their feet. But Alice grew up down here, where the water is full of mud and roped-up spirits, where it’s a full-time job to resist the sucking force of the channel, pulling the rest of the world in and out, in and out.
Chapter 3
There is rain collected in all the depressions on Upper Fore Street, the seventies mosaics and the cracks in the pavement and the benches left over from when benches were benches and not strips of aluminium designed to tip rough sleepers off onto the ground. The wet air smells of grease from the chippy, sweat and laundry soap from the Air Ambulance Charity Shop.
You’d notice Khadija in the Saturday morning crowd by the bus stop even without anyone pointing her out. She looks like a summer person, out of place in March. Her clothes are from London and she holds herself as though she’s trying to shrink away from her own bones, staring at the fogged windows of the Kitchen Café.
She is trying to see how many people are in there and whether one of them is her cousin Jo. She can’t see through the windows, and the only way to clear them is to open the door.
The plastic tablecloths have changed, but not the brown sauce dispensers or the all-weather carpet. Jo is there, sitting right next to the window with her phone in front of her face, filming the event of Khadija coming through the door. Jo lives with that camera between her and the world. Now she’s got that pregnant belly for a buffer as well.
Khadija knocks some chairs aside coming through. She doesn’t fit the furniture here anymore, as if she’s blind and they’ve moved it. Everything is closer together than it should be. She opens her arms and makes Jo stand up to hug her.
‘Fuckin’ hell, you look amazing,’ Jo says. They squeeze together with Jo’s belly between them, then pull back for second looks.
‘You too. The bump suits you. Like, really suits you.’
‘Tammy Williams says I’m gonna be prettier as a mum, whatever that means. But you, bird, looking all indie and London and shit.’
21‘Shut up. In London I felt Cornish as fuck. The whole first year up there, I felt like I was wearing a sign that said: “Ask and I’ll show you my six toes.” Then I realised it was all about my face and my name. Everyone just assumed I was from Chigwell or somewhere, long as I kept my mouth shut.’
‘The don’t-give-a-shit look is fit, though. You’re like one of those actresses that looks even better when they get caught without straighteners or make-up. Like you didn’t bother to put anything together, but you don’t even need to.’
Because Jo remains Jo. She says whatever occurs and it all just bounces off and floats away. No one minds.
Everyone in the café is still looking at them. They’re all saying to themselves, them Sleep women are trouble. Spooky, the lotof’em. Then there’s Jo’s baby that Ben didn’t give her and everyone in town knows that, too. But it doesn’t matter now.
‘I forgot how much better everything feels with you around.’ Khadija pulls out a chair and throws her coat onto the wide windowsill. ‘How is that not Ben’s baby? What the hell?’
‘We broke up for a while. I explained this already.’
‘Slag,’ Khadija laughs. ‘You’re supposed to be little. I’m supposed to say something all wise and helpful right now. This is too weird.’
‘You look different,’ Jo says, ‘the same but different. People would say a bit middle-class, but that in’t it. Just, you’ve been somewhere else and it shows. Your accent keeps going in and out.’
‘I’m from here, Jo. I’m so absurdly from here it’s not even funny.’
‘That’s depressing. Listen, bird, Alice didn’t come home last night. She never turned up at school yesterday but nobody noticed till lunchtime.’
‘I heard. You know she’ll be at a friend’s. Aunt Debbie’ll be losing it until she comes home. Little shit.’
‘I don’t know, Khadi. She’s got worse lately.’
‘How’s your mum?’
‘She’s fine. The same. Tell me about London. It looked awesome in your posts.’
22They look out over Fore Street at all the people who never cross the bridge and never bother with umbrellas because the rain is sideways and nothing will ever dry out.
‘It wasn’t awesome, Jo. I know you think everywhere else is better, but it isn’t. In London, you spend half your life on the tube and the buses. There’s loads of cool stuff to do, but you can’t do it because once you pay the rent you’re utterly skint and it takes an hour to get anywhere from your flat. All you can do is stay home, make toast and use someone else’s Netflix password. Literally the only nice thing about London was that nothing happened to me there. It was dead restful, but then it got … I don’t know, kind of suffocating.’
‘Yeah, but things were happening right near you. Things that matter. No one makes films in Saltash, Khadi. No one writes songs about it.’
‘What difference does it make being right next to something if you can’t reach it anyway?’
‘Deep. Where the hell am I supposed to stay if I get an internship now?’ Jo smiles, but only to take the sting out. She sounds annoyed, like it was Khadija’s job to give her a line to somewhere else. Somewhere Alice and Ben and the babydaddy weren’t happening.
‘I have a few mates. So tell me what the hell’s been up with Alice.’
‘Oh, you know. On one level it’s the same as always, except now she’s older and she’s gone all emo and is probably shagging Charlie Osborne.’
‘Jesus. That’s just weird.’
‘It’s just Alice. She grew up exactly how you’d have thought she would.’
‘I didn’t think. Don’t hate me; I sort of imagined you two would always be little.’
‘Remember the thing with the hamster?’
‘’Course I do. I’m the one had to explain it to that lot. I hate that you remember it, though.’
‘Well, that was just the beginning, mate.’
‘At the time I thought you were young enough to forget.’
23‘I still have pictures of the hamster blood running down the wall.’
‘I notice you’re still filming everything. Maybe you should try the world in real time.’
‘Yeah, I guess. Anyway, there was so much more while you were away. You missed a whole lot of Alice.’
‘I should have told someone about that night so they could talk to you. And Alice. I just kind of panicked and thought they’d send her away or something. And it wasn’t as if she tortured animals for a hobby. Alice isn’t mean.’
When Khadija goes for more teas, the woman behind the counter says, ‘You back for a visit with your mum, me lover?’ Khadija has no idea who the lady is, but she knows Khadija. Everyone seems to.
‘We missed you at the memorial service.’ The woman doesn’t even try to hide the accusation in her voice. ‘For Craig Kennedy.’
‘Yes,’ is all Khadija says. What else is there? She winds back between the tables more carefully this time, trying to make herself small enough.
‘You got a notification.’
Khadija looks down and lights up her phone. ‘Weird. Mohammed Magdy just followed me on Insta.’
‘Who’s that? Is he famous?’
‘Nah, it’s just I hardly know him. I mean, I only met him a couple times. If he looked at my account, he must have seen I’ve left London.’
‘Seriously though, Khadi, weren’t you afraid to come back here?’
‘Meaning, what kind of tragedy will youcausethistime,you psycho?’
‘No. Meaning, aren’t you worried you’ll get stuck?’
‘Never mind. I can see everybody’s thinking it. They’re all staring at me like people might start falling off the bridge just because I’m here. I might push somebody off, maybe.’
‘Well, you’re back after a commercial break, bird. ’Course everybody thinks about what happened when you left. They’ll get over it. Nobody reckons it was your fault, Khadi.’
24‘But they do. You know they do.’
‘It was a weird coincidence, him lying there on the mud and when they looked up from that, you’d left the same night. Everyone knew he was into you. It just sorta goes together in people’s minds.’
Two blokes in yellow jackets push their plates aside and stand up. Khadija scoots her chair in to let them pass.
‘London cops came to question me, did you know that? First week of classes, I had cops knocking at my room in halls. After that, Farah was the only one who’d speak to me. She thought it made me cool or something. Everyone else thought I was a terrorist.’
Khadija had disappeared from the wrong place at the wrong time, and near as anyone can figure out, she was the last person who saw Craig Kennedy breathing. But that isn’t why people in Saltash blame her.
‘He was obsessed with you, wasn’t he?’ Jo says. ‘Looking back it must have been intense, but I didn’t really get it at the time.’
‘Well, apparently, if some older boy starts clinging onto you like he’s drowning and you try to shrug him off so you can fucking have room to breathe, it’s your fault and not his. Go figure.’
‘Is that why you left?’
‘I left because it’s what you do after A-levels. Craig was all right. He was pathetic, not creepy. But he was all up in my head before I turned seventeen.’
‘You seemed practically grown-up to me.’ Jo laughs.
‘Well, it messed with me and then it ended horribly and now it’s been done ages. The memorial service was six years ago and people are still blaming me for not coming.’
‘What do you think happened?’
‘I don’t know, Jo. They concluded accidental death.’
‘Yeah, but—’
‘He was still himself when I saw him. He wasn’t more depressed than usual, if that’s what you’re not saying.’
She looks inside herself to see a picture of Craig Kennedy on her doorstep, holding his jacket out to her. Of herself visibly shaking 25him off so she can turn away. Herself sparkling in a new dress while he fades into the dark of the hillside.
‘So, you staying, or what?’ Jo asks.
‘What? Oh, I don’t know. What difference does it make? I’m gonna get stuck somewhere. Might as well do it here with you lot.’
The windows have steamed up again and cut them off from the rest of the world. The air inside the café is warm and greasy and safe. Any minute now Khadija will choke on it.
‘You say that now,’ Jo speaks the thought for her. ‘Wait a few months.’
‘I got a job,’ Khadija says.
‘What, as a solicitor? I guess you are a bit middle-class.’
‘I’m not qualified yet. Working admin at Bright and Tunstall till I pass the exams.’
‘Then you’re going back?’
‘No! Whatever. You and Ben are OK, though?’
‘Yeah, it’s all good. He’ll look after the baby. You know Ben, you can’t fault him. That’s what’s so boring.’
‘Tell me about this Max guy, the dad? Never saw a single picture of him. I find that a little suspicious, you being you.’
‘Just a random. Posh totty. It was fun, but.’
Jo wipes a hole in the steam on the window so she can take a picture of the bus shelter. A pair of OAPs are sitting on the thin little seat smiling at each other. Some lady on an electric scooter is parked across the pavement, sitting inside a plastic tent covered with raindrops.
‘Everyone grew up while you were away, Khadi. Ben spends all day doing building work with his dad and Jarek. We only go out Saturdays and bank holidays, like we’re fifty.’
‘Count your blessings. At least he’s got work.’
‘Yeah, when he can, but they lost their biggest job. At the school. Now it’s part of the academy trust, Mr Osborne says they can’t hire just whoever they want. They take bids and get contractors from up the line. They pay ’em ten times as much. Go figure.’
26‘You mean Mr Osborne in my road? Charlie’s dad?’
‘Yeah, but he’s headmaster now.’
‘I know. He’s mum’s boss, remember?’
‘More to the point, babe, he’s Alice’s headteacher. He’s the one rang Aunt Debbie saying she didn’t turn up Friday. He has to ring every time because Alice is “at risk”. Or possibly “a risk”. Can’t remember.’
Khadija sits up a little straighter. ‘What’s it called?’
‘What’s what called?’
‘The academy. What’s the name of it?’
‘@Saltash, with the ‘at’ symbol. So lame.’
‘I mean the company, the trust. Is that the same name?’
‘Oh. Resolve Logistics. That’s what it said on the final payslip. Why?’
‘Because when the Osbornes are part of something, it’s usually dodgy. Surely people know that?’
‘Charlie’s all right, though. He proper loves Alice.’
‘They’re fifteen, Jo.’
‘I was fourteen when me and Ben hooked up.’
‘Yeah, that went real smooth.’ Khadija looks at Jo’s belly with dramatically raised eyebrows until Jo puts two fingers up at her. ‘Charlie’s mum rung Aunt Tammy trying to get information; she’s that worried about him. He’s all curled up in his room apparently, feeling abandoned.’
‘Poor Charlie. He’s a sweetie. Nothing like his dad.’
‘Tammy’s coming apart and all,’ Khadija says. ‘You know what she’s like.’
‘She might help. You know her. Just when you think it’s all bollocks, she comes through.’
‘Little cow, Alice, winding everybody up. Wait till I see her.’
Chapter 4
Lower Fore Street is empty when Khadija gets home. The smell of fags and vinegar hangs around the doorway. She stops by the door to take off her shoes and drape her coat on the radiator. The walls are a new colour and so is Carol’s hair. It’s all too much to think about.
‘Crap, I’m freezing! Have you got the windows open?’ Silence.
‘Mum!’
‘Hiya, babe. I’m in the kitchen.’
Carol is kneeling on a tea towel cleaning inside the cooker. That’s why the vinegar.
‘The house smells like fags, Mum.’
‘I went out the back, I swear.’
‘Well, if you stand half out the door it just blows into the house.’ Carol puts the kettle on and stands.
‘Vinegar and bicarb,’ she says. ‘It’s brilliant; you could use it to strip paint. Seen it on Instagram.’ She stands up and pulls off her rubber gloves finger by finger. Her nails are a mess.
‘I’ve seen Jo,’ Khadija says. ‘Is Aunt Debbie OK?’
‘Give us a hug, lovely.’ She comes around and leans her weight onto Khadija. ‘Thank God you’re my daughter. I’m so lucky I got the level-headed one.’
‘Yeah, that’s me. The level-headed one. Fun. Have they heard from Alice yet?’
‘No, love. Just got off the phone with your aunt. I think you’ve come back with a broken heart. It was a boy, wasn’t it?’
‘It was not a boy, you know that. And we’re not going to talk about it. What the hell happened to Alice lately? And why haven’t you been telling me?’
28‘She’s in some trouble. Well, I mean, she isn’t always well.’
‘Mum, say what you mean.’
‘She’s got mental problems. Emotional problems, I guess.’
‘I know that.’
‘She tried to – you know. Once before.’
‘Christ.’
‘Tamara came to my door jibbering at one in the morning. Time I got to Debbie’s house the ambulance was driving away with her.’
‘Where would she go, do you think?’
‘I don’t know. Debbie has to wait twenty-four hours before the police’d do anything, now there’ll be a mountain of bloody paperwork. Tammy says she knew yesterday morning. She says that now, of course. Didn’t say a word earlier.’
Khadija pulls out a chair and sits at the immaculate table. Everything in her mother’s house reflects empty light. She’d forgotten how exposed she feels here.
‘Drink this.’ Carol holds out a mug with the ‘Saltash for Success’ academy logo on it.
‘What is it? It smells of vinegar.’
‘Vinegar and honey. You need it, after you’ve gone running about in the freezing rain.’
‘I do not need it. I promised Aunt Tammy I’d go over for a cuppa. Want to come?’ But Khadija doesn’t move to stand up. She carries on staring at the empty light caught in the kitchen table.
‘You gonna stop here for five minutes at some point?’
‘Yes, Mum. In fact, I’m stopping indefinitely. You’ll get sick of me, don’t worry.’
‘We’re all being TUPE’d at the school.’
Khadija looks up. ‘What the hell is too-peed?’
‘It’s a job review thing. There’s gonna be redundancies. They want to get rid of all the support staff.’
‘Crap, Mum. That sucks. They sacked Ben and Mr Jinks and all. Jo told me.’
‘Signing on is a nightmare these days. I might have to move out 29and rent the house or something. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, Khadi.’
‘Mum, you’re not listening. I’m here. I told you, I start at Bright and Tunstall on Monday.’
‘I’m worried you’re throwing away your degree, maid. You worked so hard to get there.’
‘Well, I couldn’t have got this job without it. It’s crap money until I pass my CILEX exams, but it’ll buy us groceries and pay the council tax. Stop worrying.’
Khadija lifts her arms up over her head to hug Carol behind her.
‘Jesus, girl, your hands are freezing!’
‘You smell like the cooker.’
‘Drink that before you go to Tammy’s or I’ll lock you out the house.’
‘Fine, you hippie witch.’
‘You ask me, Alice does all this just to frighten her mum. She’s controlling.’
‘This is disgusting!’ Khadija puts down her cup and pushes it away. ‘Alice hasn’t posted anything since the day before yesterday, but that’s not so odd. Sometimes she goes quiet for a few days.’
‘You have no idea what that girl’s put Debbie through.’
‘Right, I don’t, because you didn’t tell me.’
‘I was trying not to weigh you down. Sue me.’
She means it. Every time her mother lies to her, she thinks she’s doing a kindness. It all comes anyway, just Khadija doesn’t see it coming till it falls on top of her because her mother’s curled up in a corner having a breakdown.
