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I'm not going to pretend life had been easy up until then. But when we got to the Elsewhere? That was somewhere else. It was in the Elsewhere that things got weird…
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12
8
I’m not going to give away the end, but not everybody makes it.
Sometimes that’s just the way it is. Some people are survivors … some people are lucky … some people are robots. And some … well, some go before their time.
I don’t mean me, by the way. This isn’t one of those stories where I’m dead and talking to you from beyond the grave. Trust me, I’m totally fine. I’m not a ghost, and this is not a ghost story.
OK, it is sortof a ghost story.
Let me catch you up. At this point I’m five, maybe five and a half years old, and I’m on a little world on the edge of nowhere that somebody decided to call Somewhere 513. It’s on this particular Somewhere that me and my sister grew up, and where we found a robot on a pile 10of junk. He was the best friend my sister ever had and his name, thanks to me, was Scrap.
Me and Paige were the first humans to be born on Somewhere 513. We lived our whole lives underground, hidden away in a Foxhole, where no one could find us, because we actually weren’t allowed to exist.
No Humans, the robots said. And that was that.
I know what you’re thinking – you can’t ban actual humanity. But that’s exactly what the robots did.
The robots had been on Somewhere 513 for agesbefore the humans arrived. Planet preparation, they call it. Robots fix the air and sort out the land and build a city or two and then, when it’s good and ready, the humans turn up. That’s what robots do, that’s what humans do. That’s the way it works, and that’s the way it had been for years. But this time, on this Somewhere, this one robot started thinking things that no robot had thought before. Her name was H15-HN. She was small but she had big ideas, and she asked big questions. Actually, she asked the one question that my mum said is the only really important question in the whole galaxy. She asked, ‘Why?’ Like, why do? Why make? Why build? Why serve? Why obey? Why not robots instead of humans? She kept asking questions until other robots started to 11listen, and they started to ask the same questions, and in the end the robots started to ask, ‘Why not keep Somewhere Five One Three for ourselves?’
Well, that was that.
By the time the humans showed up, H15-HN had become Harmony Highshine, the boss ’bot of the whole planet. Highshine managed to convince her loyal follow- ’bots that humanity had no place on Somewhere 513, and those ’bots gave it to the humans straight – don’tevenbotherunpacking.
Now the humans had a choice – leave, or stay and fight for their new world. Trouble is, the humans hadn’t fought for anything ever. So, instead, they let a robot do the fighting for them – this one single robot who stayed loyal and fought for the humans … this one robot against a thousand … this KingoftheRobots. K1-NG was the strongest and mightiest and most unstoppable robot ever and he could never be beaten … until he was. If the humans had any fight in them at all, it disappeared the day they saw the King of the Robots defeated and dragged away.
After that, the robots didn’t waste one minute in sending the humans back where they came from … back into space … back off-world. And that was that. 12Everyone left.
Everyone except my mum and dad.
They had to stay behind to launch the ship from the surface. Then, so the robots didn’t find them, they hid underground in a bunker called a Foxhole. Sometimes it smelled a bit funny but it was OK. It was home.
And then they had my sister.
And then they had me.
Dad died first, but it wasn’t until Mum was dying too that she sent me and Paige into the Outside. She said we had to get off-world. She said we had to find somewhere where humans were allowed. She said we had to find the King of the Robots.
Instead, we found Scrap.
Paige didn’t think he was the king of anything. He was just a junk case living on a big pile of robot bits and pieces. But I knew. I knew who he was, even if I wasn’t too sure who he’d been.
Me and Paige and Scrap got up to all sorts in those first few days. After we got nearly killed by robots we took a trip to the city and we met more robots – a lot of robots – and we nearly got killed two or three more times, and I reallynearly got killed by this robot who ended up being Harmony Highshine, and then Scrap 13sort of did get killed, but in the end he was OK and we were OK.
Still, No Humans.
So we went to the bit of Somewhere called the Elsewhere, where NoHumansdidn’t matter so much cos even the robots didn’t want to go there … mostly.
Anyway, that’s where we found ourselves, me and Paige and Scrap, in the middle of this nowhere called the Elsewhere, on a quest to find the Pink-FootedGoose. It wasn’t a real goose (I’m pretty sure gooses are mythical anyway) but a rocket ship that brought the robots to Somewhere 513 all those years ago. That rocket ship had landed somewhere in the no-go Badlands of the Elsewhere, and Mum reckoned that ship was the only chance we had of getting off-world. Paige reckoned Mum was right, but Scrap reckoned we’d be lucky to even find the Pink-Foot, never mind get it to fly again. I don’t really know what I reckoned. Back then, I was just sort of along for the ride. All I knew was, it was going to be OK as long as we had the King of the Robots … as long as we had Scrap.
I’m not going to pretend life had been easy up until then. No home … dead parents … chased by robots – and I hadn’t even turned six. But when we got to the 14Elsewhere? That was somewhere else. It was in the Elsewhere that things got weird. Not-everybody-makes-itweird.
Don’t worry, I’m fine. Like I said, I’m not a ghost.
But the Elsewhere?
That was full of ghosts.
Episode 01
“You can’t keep it.”
Gnat looked up at her sister, and then down at the tiny, hairy, petrol-blue thing staring back at her through four black bead eyes.
“Paaaige, it’s not an ‘it’,” Gnat replied huffily, dragging out her sister’s name as the blue thing climbed into her cupped hands. “She’s my best friend.”
“Itis a wild animal, and you’ve known it for all of ten minutes,” Paige sighed, tapping her foot impatiently on the ground. To herself she whispered, “Where is he…?” 16
“He’s fine,” Gnat asserted confidently. “Scrap’s always fine.”
Paige let out a less-than-confident grunt and cast her eye around. The Elsewhere was a strange maze of shallow valleys divided by curved sweeping rock formations. The landscape stretched in every direction, an almost lurid combination of oranges and yellows, its outcroppings striped with even brighter dashes of turquoise, purple and silver. To Paige, it felt formidably vast – and a place you should not stay still for long.
“I’m going to call her Tomato Ketchup,” said Gnat.
“Who?”
“My best friend. Cos she’s blue.”
“Tomato ketchup is notblue.”
“What colour is it, then?”
“It’s, uh – that’s not the point. Put that thing back where you found it.”
“I didn’t found her, she founded me, when I did a wee over there,” replied Gnat. She pointed between two rocks, where jagged vines jutted adventurously from the hard ground and reached into the sky. “Founding each other is what best friends do.”
The thing emitted a throaty tock-tock as Gnat fed it a cracker. 17
Paige rolled her eye and prodded the worse-for-wear stuffed teddy bear strapped to Gnat’s waist. “I thought hewas your best friend.”
“That’s different,” said Gnat, nodding sagely at the bear. “Mr Steven Kirby is imaminate.”
“Inanimate,” Paige corrected her.
“…So I need a proper one,” Gnat concluded. “Like you do.”
“I do what?”
“Have a best friend.”
“Who?”
“Scrap.”
“Scrap? Scrap is notmy best friend,” scoffed Paige, even as she scanned the horizon, impatient for the little robot’s return. She glanced back at their ‘gofer’, parked on the edge of a long, wide canyon. The stout, sphere-wheeled dune buggy was piled with equipment and random detritus they’d found, scavenged or stolen. It had been three weeks since they’d ‘borrowed’ the gofer from a charging outpost on the outskirts of the robot city of New Hull and set off west into the Elsewhere, from which they were assured no one could return.
“Scrap is onehundredper cent your best friend,” said Gnat, oblivious to Paige’s unease as she cradled the 18four-eyed thing. “Everyone knows he is. Even Tomato Ketchup.”
“Shut up, you gub,” Paige snapped. “Y’know, if that thing bites you and you catch something and you die, it’s your fault and we’re leaving you in the Elsewhere to rot.”
Gnat took a small notepad from one of the many pockets on her sleeveless jacket and waved it. “I’m a science explorer,” she said matter-of-factly. “So I have to documendall the things we find in my science book.”
“Document,” Paige corrected her sister again, making sure all of their belongings were firmly strapped to the gofer should they need to make a quick escape. “And since when have you been a ‘science explorer’? I thought you were a Badlands outlaw.”
“I can be two things,” replied Gnat. She opened the notepad, and the blue thing patted the pages with a curious paw and a guttural tock. “I’ve already documended forty-three Elsewhere things. Forty-four when I documend Tomato Ketchup. What do you think she is? I think she’s called an uncommonticker. How do you spell ‘uncommon’?”
“Put it back, I said,” tutted Paige. “We’re not here to make friends with the locals. We’re here to find—” 19
“I knoooooow,” Gnat interrupted. “We’re here to find the Pink-FootedGoose. You don’t have to tell me one million times a minute. You don’t have to go ‘Find the Pink-FootedGoose!’ All. The. Time.”
“I don’t do that…” Paige mumbled.
“You do too do that. You say ‘We’ll find it tomorrow, we’ll find it tomorrow’ but then tomorrow’s today, and Mum said we shouldn’t worry about tomorrow, we should live in these moments.”
“Live in themoment.”
“There’s loads of moments.” Gnat counted them on her fingers. “This is a moment, this a moment, this is a moment…”
Paige grunted impatiently and glanced up at the horizon, craggy and full of shadows. Under the sound of whistling wind, she muttered, “Where ishe?”
“Do you miss your best friend?” Gnat said, giving her new best friend a wink.
“He’s not— Shut up!” Paige threw her hands in the air and walked away, but nor far. “I just don’t know what’s keeping him, that’s all.”
“See? Best friends,” Gnat whispered to the creature she’d named Tomato Ketchup. Paige huffed and pulled the grubby poncho off her arm to reveal a rust-red 20armguard. She stared at it, hoping to see the flashing light of Scrap’s unique core. She tapped it frustratedly and held it up to her ear.
“Nothing.” She sighed. “The core tracer is deader than a dinosaur.”
“What’s a dinosaur?” Gnat asked.
“It’s … I dunno, dead.” Paige stared out across a nearby ridge. “I hope he didn’t get eaten again. What do you think was following us? Did you get a look at it?”
Gnat shrugged. Paige banged the core tracer one more time on the side of the gofer, but its screen flickered uselessly.
“Gofer, can you take us back to Scrap?” Paige whispered, keen not to show too much concern. “Back to where we left him?”
“It sounds like you want to Retrace Your Steps,” the gofer replied, its tone too jolly for Paige’s liking. “Is that right?”
“Yeah,” said Paige. The gofer said nothing for a few seconds, so Paige snappily added, “Yes!”
“I can help with that,” the gofer said. “Where would you like to go?”
“Three weeks of this…” Paige grumbled. She pointed to a nearby ridge, scouring the ground for the gofer’s 21tracks. “I just want to go back the way we came.”
The gofer fell silent.
“Gofer?” Paige prompted.
“I can help with that,” the gofer said at last. “Where would you like to go?”
Paige’s frustrated growl echoed across the Elsewhere. She looked up. The one and a half suns were high in the sky. She imagined the worst, but said, “I’m not even sure something wasfollowing us. I didn’t see anything.”
“Well, you’ve only got one eye,” said Gnat. “If something was following you, you’d only know cos you’d be eaten.”
With a tut, Paige rolled her right eye and adjusted the eyepatch covering her left.
“Next time something tries to eat you,” she said, “I’ll let it.”
“Maybe I want to get eaten,” Gnat replied happily.
“Ugh!” Paige grunted. “You are such a pain in … the…”
Paige trailed off as the distant clank-ka-lankof metal feet against rock echoed across the Elsewhere. She narrowed her eye and peered at the horizon as Gnat’s new best friend let out a loud tock-a-tock-tock.
“…Scrap?” Paige whispered. 22
Over the ridge, she saw the small, spindly-looking robot appear. He was only slightly taller than her sister, with limbs mismatched in both colour and design, giving him a cobbled-together look and an awkward, uneven stride. As he raced towards Paige and Gnat, his arms and legs flailed as if he was still trying to fathom how they worked.
“Scrap!” Gnat hollered. To her sister, she added, “Toldyou your best friend would be fine.”
“…Never seen him run so fast,” said Paige, squinting against the sunlight. “Sounds like he’s saying something…”
“Getinthegofer!”
“We can’t hear you!” Gnat howled at the top of her voice.
“Getinthegofer!” shouted the little robot again, as he barrelled towards them at full speed. Gnat gave an exaggerated shrug, cupped her hand to her ear.
“We! Can’t! Hear—”
“Get in the gofer!”
At last, they heard him.
And then they saw the monster.
Episode 02
“Get! In! The! Gofer! Now!”
Paige wanted to move but, at the sight of the beast pursuing Scrap over the ridge, terror fixed her where she stood. It was not the first monster that they’d encountered in the Elsewhere. Indeed, Scrap had been chewed up and swallowed twice in as many weeks by giant yakrats. This monster, however, was vastly bigger and more terrifying than anything Paige had ever seen. It seemed to eclipse the suns as it raced towards Scrap. Long, muscular forelegs wrenched its bulk forwards, hot 24breath puffing from blowholes on top of its head, and a rumbling thud emanating from deep within its chest.
“Batrilla…” Paige mouthed in horror.
She had once leafed through a book entitled AColonist’s Guide to Identifying Aliens and come across a painting of an enormous blue-black beast – abatrilla– half ape, half bat, not quite either, tearing into an exploration vehicle in the middle of an alien landscape.
She had hoped in that moment never to see a batrilla in real life.
Now one was racing towards her.
“Paige!” Scrap screamed as he ran. “Start the engine! Go -zk- go!”
Scrap’s cries were enough to bring Paige back to her senses. The batrilla would reach them in moments. She heard her sister whimper her name and turned to grab Gnat by the arm, dragging her so quickly towards the gofer she almost dropped Tomato Ketchup.
“Gofer!” Paige yelled, even before they’d reached the buggy. “Give me manual control!”
“I can help with that,” said the gofer as she and Gnat leaped aboard. “Where would you like me to drive you?”
Paige banged a fist hard on the gofer’s control screen, and it crackled with static. 25
“Gnat, strap in!” she barked, pulling her seat belt across her lap, before grabbing the steering wheel and pressing the accelerator button hard with her thumb. The gofer sped towards the batrilla, quickly picking up pace. Paige turned the wheel and made a beeline for Scrap.
“What are you doin’?” Scrap howled. “Get out of here, go!”
“Paaaiige…!” squealed Gnat as the batrilla’s shadow fell over them. Paige looked up … saw the batrilla’s chest shake with angry, threatening thuds … watched it lift its foreleg. She veered right as it slammed a gnarled knuckle into the ground, missing them by a hair. Then she spun the gofer on its wheel and held out her hand.
“Scrap!” she cried. The little robot stretched out his right arm – a thin, silver-blue appendage and the least sturdy looking of his limbs. As the gofer spiralled towards him, he made a grab for Paige’s hand. The next moment, his feet left the ground as he spun through the air. Paige bellowed, “Hang on!” as she hit the accelerator again. With another lurch, the gofer buffeted over a ramp of rock and sped away. Gnat tucked the uncommon ticker into the top pocket of her jacket and helped Scrap aboard as Paige fought hard to keep the gofer steady. 26
27“For cog’s sake, didn’t I tell you to go?” Scrap rebuked Paige as he squeezed himself between the sisters. “What were you -zk- thinkin’, comin’ back for me?”
“I was thinking that thing was about to squash you, or swallow you, or both,” Paige snapped. “You’re welcome, by the way!”
Scrap looked back to see the batrilla giving chase, and hoped the gofer had enough speed to outrun it. “Squashin’ and swallowin’ I can take,” he howled over the noise of the gofer’s strained engine. “But if that thing got hold of you two, you’d end up nothin’ but dead!”
“We wasted two days waiting for you to come out of the other end of that last yakrat!” Paige retorted.
“And then we had to rescue you from its den,” Gnat added helpfully.
“And then we had to rescue you from its den!” repeated Paige.
“That’s not the -zk- point!” Scrap growled. “We’ve been dodgin’ bugs ’n’ beasts for three weeks cos we followed TheRules. What’s Rule Five?”
“Scrap gets eaten!” Gnat offered enthusiastically.
“Scrap handles the locals,” Scrap corrected her.
Paige tutted as she checked to see if the batrilla was still in her wing mirror. 28
“It’s not giving up…!” she cried.
“We’re barely a -zk- snack for it!” Scrap groaned. “Why’s it so keen … to … eat…” He trailed off as he spotted the strange blue creature nestled in Gnat’s top pocket, ticking nervously. “What. Is. That?”
“…My best friend, Tomato Ketchup,” Gnat replied matter-of-factly as she stroked the creature’s head. “She’s an uncommon ticker.”
“For cog’s— Paige, stop the gofer!” Scrap said slowly and deliberately.
“What?” cried Paige.
“This doesn’t look familiar to you?” Scrap shouted, plucking Gnat’s ‘best friend’ out of her pocket by the scruff of its neck. “It’s a gubbin’ babybatrilla!”
“Is not…” said Gnat, although she sounded less than certain. She peered at the creature she’d named Tomato Ketchup, which, upon closer inspection, did have a distinctly batrilla-like look about it. “I thought it was an uncommon—”
“For cog’s sake!” Paige interrupted, slamming on the brakes and spinning the gofer on its wheel. It screeched to an uneasy halt as the batrilla ploughed towards them. Scrap wasted no time in dropping the infant creature over the side of the gofer. 29
“Go, go -zk- go!”
The batrilla was almost upon them when Paige hit the accelerator again and pulled away. The beast skidded to a stop, then began pounding the ground with a defiant, screeching roar.
“Tomato Ketchup!” shrieked Gnat. She scrambled over her seat to the back of the gofer. As Scrap grabbed her and held firm, the batrilla leaned low towards its infant. Gnat watched as half a dozen creatures, each identical to her so-called best friend, were deposited from a pouch on the batrilla’s belly. They swiftly surrounded their sibling, sniffing and tock-tockingwith sudden suspicion.
Then they set upon poor Tomato Ketchup, until nothing at all was left of it.
As Gnat screamed, Paige glanced over her shoulder, just for an instant … an instant too long. She didn’t see the rock jutting out of the ground ahead of them. By the time she turned back, her swerve came too late to avoid it. The gofer struck the rock, pitching forwards and bouncing along the ground. For a horrifying moment it hung in mid-air, before tumbling and skidding down the canyon.
When the gofer finally came to a halt, Paige realized that both she and it were upside down. She heard her 30sister crying and turned to see Gnat and Scrap had been thrown clear. Scrap held Gnat in a tight embrace, his arms wrapped around her to shield her from the crash, his case covered in fresh marks and dents.
Then Paige saw the batrilla atop the ridge. It pounded the ground with its front legs, and then began to descend into the canyon, its thudding roars bone-shakingly loud. Trapped and hanging from her seat belt, she saw the shadow of the beast stride past the gofer.
As the batrilla loomed over Scrap and Gnat, Paige screamed their names.
Episode 03
Scrap heard Paige shout his name.
By the time he’d come to his senses, the shadow of the batrilla had already fallen over him. He released Gnat from his protective embrace and scrambled awkwardly to his feet.
“Come on, then, you gub! Come an’ -zk- get some!” the robot howled in defiance, putting himself between Gnat and the monster that towered over them. He hoped that, as with their yakrat encounters, the beast might eat him, giving Gnat and Paige time to escape … but he 32knew that was no sort of plan. This thing would surely crush his case to a mangled mess in its jaws, leaving nothing much to recover, even if he was lucky enough to pass through the batrilla undigested.
Scrap found himself apologizing to the girls’ mother under his breath for not doing more to keep them safe.
“Scrap…?” whimpered Gnat from behind him.
“Get ready to -zk- run…” Scrap whispered. Then he bellowed at the beast, “You want a -zk- snack? Try robot! I’m tasty to the core!”
The batrilla opened its jaws.
“’Ere!”
The cry, though not especially forceful, was enough to stop the batrilla in its tracks. It swung its huge head back towards the ridge. Its chest emitted loud, resonant tocksas its four eyes fixed upon a tall, broad figure silhouetted by the light of one and a half suns.
“Now hang on, we’ve talked about this,” the figure said, his voice deep, gravelly and disarmingly matter-of-fact. He pointed a thumb behind him. “That, back there, where those big rocks look like they’re dancing the tango, that’s batrilla country. But this ’ere, from the start of Tumbledown Canyon to wherever the heck we want, that, as well you know, is robotcountry.” 33
The batrilla squared up to the figure with a growl. The figure stepped forwards and Scrap and Gnat got their first clear look at him. Scrap’s jaw creaked open, as Gnat gasped a single word.
“Robot…!”
Since leaving New Hull for the Elsewhere, they’d not encountered a single robot – not so much as the rusting case of an expired rummager. Scrap had come to expect they might never see one out in the Elsewhere. But he had met huntersbefore, core-corrupted nomads like the ones who had tried to stalk Paige and Gnat for sport. If this was one of them, he was already hoping that the batrilla would swallow them whole.
“It’s a K11…” he muttered to himself.
The hefty, muscular case was unmistakable – a gunner, one of several dozen K11s who had served as the backbone of Somewhere 513’s defences back when the planet was being prepared. This K11 wore what looked like a cowboy hat and had a bulky, double-barrelled pistol holstered by his side. Apparently, thought Scrap, he was still on duty.
“Look, I’m trying to play it cool – we don’t get a lot of visitors around here and I feel a sudden and profound need to impress them by standing my ground,” continued 34the K11, taking another step towards the batrilla. “By which I mean, you’d be doing me a very great favour if you’d clear off back to your nest.”
“Who is that?” Gnat whispered as Scrap turned to check on Paige. He saw her unclip her seat belt from inside the upturned gofer and drop out of her seat. She was already clambering free when he held an open hand out towards her.
Staywhereyouare.
The batrilla roared again, its echoing thuds filling the canyon – but for some reason that Scrap could not fathom, it did not attack the K11.
“Backadays, when I always had a full charge and the vigour of a youthful core,” the robot continued in a conversational tone, “I’d have been more than happy to put on a show for our visitors – sparring and fisticuffs and the like. But I don’t mind admitting I’m not the ’bot I used to be, so let me appeal to you another way.” The K11 slowly reached his hand down to his holster and patted the pistol at his side. “If you make me draw Mrs Wembley here, I’ll have no choice but to turn all them little babies of yours into orphans. And without your guiding hand to show them the ups and downs of life in the Elsewhere, you know as well as I do they’ll end up as 36a light lunch for a pack of glowsharks.” With that, the K11 pushed up the top of his cowboy hat with a finger and looked the batrilla square in the eye.
“So,” he said, “what’s it to be?”
Episode 04
Scrap was certain the batrilla was going to attack.
But with a gravelly puff it turned away from the K11, clambered back out of the canyon and loped away.
“That … was the best thing ever,” Gnat noted, quite forgetting her scuffed elbows and knees. Paige was already racing towards her sister, calling her name. She checked her up and down with rough, panicky prods and squeezes.
“Did you break anything?” she uttered. “Gnat, look at me – are you OK?” 37
“No. My best friend was eaten,” Gnat said with a sniff, her bottom lip trembling.
“Oh, cub. Come here,” said Paige, hugging her sister tightly as the low clunk-clunkof the K11’s footsteps drew louder.
Scrap tensed up as the robot ambled towards them. The closer he got, the clearer it became that this K11 was quite unlike the gleaming, splendid robots they had encountered in the free robot city of New Hull. His case had seen better days, with weld lines and wraps of material covering scars of repaired damage, and a dull, rust-blotched finish. This robot didn’t look like he had been upgraded even once. If he was spoiling for a fight, Scrap hoped he might be able to find a weakness on the robot’s case and slow him down enough for Paige and Gnat to get away. But he didn’t hold out much hope.
“Looks to me like you’re a long way from home,” the K11 said, coming to a halt and peering down at Scrap with a broad smile. Scrap started to wonder if he had a fight on his hands after all. Still, he drew himself up to his full height (just about reaching the K11’s waist) and squared up to him, right fist and left pincer clenched.
“I could say the same to -zk- you,” he said. “You’re a long way from the city.” 38
“Not far enough for my liking,” the K11 said. “Still, a junk case like you, all the way out here … where’d you find enough charge to keep from dying a death?”
Scrap paused. He wasn’t about to tell the K11 about his remarkable, everlasting core – K11s weren’t known for their quick wits but it wouldn’t take a genius to work out that the only core fitting such a description belonged to K1-NG, the one robot who had stood against robotkind in the war for Somewhere 513. He could do without another enemy.
“Just -zk- luck, I guess,” he replied.
“We could all do with more of that,” said the K11. “So what are you doing way out here?”
“What are youdoin’ out here?” Scrap asked defensively.
“Me? Just on one of my walks,” the K11 replied. “Good for the joints, good for the core. You?”
Scrap glanced over at the upturned gofer.
“Same sort of -zk- thing…” he replied.
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