This updated bestseller (the original book) is a worthwhile primer on how to take control of our own lives. For anyone who has trouble saying “no” or refusing unreasonable requests, even stating our own wants and desires, this is the book for you.
The authors clearly spell out the reasons why we have trouble setting boundaries, and why we are so reluctant to change the status quo. Whether we are afraid of being abandoned or just want to be loved, respected and admired, we all need to put limits in place.
Mature relationships flourish in an atmosphere of transparency and honesty, not manipulation and extortion. God’s plan for us involves setting limits and creating conditions that allow us to grow and mature, and this book helps us get there.
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1. Introduction: Notes from the Summareads Team
I. What Are Boundaries?
II. Boundary Conflicts
III. Developing Healthy Boundaries
IV. What Are Boundaries?
1. A Day in a Boundaryless Life
2. Chapter 2. What Does a Boundary Look Like?
3. Chapter 3. Boundary Problems
4. Chapter 4. How Boundaries Are Developed
5. Chapter 5. Ten Laws of Boundaries
6. Chapter 6. Common Boundary Myths
V. Boundary Conflicts
7. Boundaries and Your Family
8. Chapter 8. Boundaries and Your Friends
9. Chapter 9. Boundaries and Your Spouse
10. Chapter 10. Boundaries and Your Children
11. Chapter 11. Boundaries and Work
12. Chapter 12. Boundaries and the Digital Age
13. Chapter 13. Boundaries and Yourself
14. Chapter 14. Boundaries and God
VI. Developing Healthy Boundaries
15. Resistance to Boundaries
16. How to Measure Success with Boundaries
17. A Day in a Life with Boundaries
18. Rich Refresh
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This updated bestseller is a worthwhile primer on how to take control of our own lives. For anyone who has trouble saying “no” or refusing unreasonable requests, even stating our own wants and desires, this is the book for you. The authors clearly spell out the reasons why we have trouble setting boundaries, and why we are so reluctant to change the status quo. Whether we are afraid of being abandoned or just want to be loved, respected and admired, we all need to put limits in place. Mature relationships flourish in an atmosphere of transparency and honesty, not manipulation and extortion. God’s plan for us involves setting limits and creating conditions that allow us to grow and mature, and this book helps us get there.
CHAPTER 1. A Day in a Boundaryless Life
Life without boundaries results in frustration, anger, and depression. Trying to meet the needs of everyone else means that your own needs are never met, and leads others to take advantage of you. In our society, we all have a myriad of responsibilities and demands on our time, energy and emotions.
Christians may believe that it is their duty to provide all possible support to those who ask for and need their help, without thinking of their own needs. Christian wives may believe that they are obliged to submit to the demands of their husbands no matter if they feel unheard. The authors state instead that boundaries are necessary for everyone to be healthy and live fully in the successful relationships that God intends for us to have.
CHAPTER 2. What Does a Boundary Look Like?
Boundaries require others to take responsibility for themselves, while we maintain ownership of ourselves. We are not responsible for other people, but we are responsible to them. The Bible differentiates between the daily load, which each person should carry on his or her own, and great burdens, with which we should help each other. We should be able to distinguish between the two. Boundaries can be made of the following:SkinWordsTruthDistanceTimeEmotional DistanceHelp from othersConsequences
Boundaries have many potential inclusions and can contain our feelings, thoughts, attitudes, actions, values and limits.
CHAPTER 3. Boundary Problems
There are several types of boundary issues. “Compliants” can’t say no to others. They will take on any request, no matter how unreasonable. They do so out of fear of rejection, or out of guilt, or because they have been raised to be compliant. “Avoidants” can’t share their own burdens or ask for help. They feel ashamed if they can’t manage everything on their plate, and believe it is weak to ask for help. “Controllers” bulldoze or manipulate others into doing their bidding. They can’t seem to hear the word “no” and may be verbally or even physically abusive if they are an aggressive controller. If they are a manipulative controller they are likely narcissistic. “Nonresponsives” seem incapable of providing emotional support to their partners and friends. They come from the “walk it off” school and have no patience for those who need help. There are various combinations of these subtypes.
CHAPTER 4. How Boundaries Are Developed
Boundary establishment has its roots in our development as infants and toddlers. The three stages of early childhood development are “hatching,” “practicing” and “rapprochement.” The development of boundaries in young children can go awry in the following conditions:Parental withdrawal of affectionParental hostilityParental overcontrolParental lack of limitsParental use of inconsistent limitsTraumatic experience
Adolescence and early adulthood are also key periods for the further foundation of boundaries, as young people face new social situations and the absence or lessening of parental control.
CHAPTER 5. Ten Laws of Boundaries
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