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Summary of Good Inside by Becky Kennedy: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
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Summary of
Good Inside
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A Guide
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Summary of Good Inside by Becky Kennedy: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be
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Introduction
As a clinical psychologist, I work with parents who seek help to problem-solve through challenging situations. The underlying desire is the same: all parents want to do better. Our sessions begin by unpacking problem behavior together, understanding that behaviors are only the tip of the iceberg and that below the surface is a child's entire internal world that needs to be understood.
During my clinical psychology PhD program at Columbia, I worked in play therapy with kids and counseling adult clients. I realized that if I looked at what adults needed and never received, I could use that knowledge to inform my work with children and families. When I opened my private practice, I worked solely with adults for therapy or parent guidance. Eventually, I enrolled in a training program for clinicians that offered an "evidence-based" approach to discipline and troubling behavior in children.
However, these approaches were built on principles of behaviorism, which focuses on observable actions rather than non-observable mental states like feelings, thoughts, and urges. This theory privileges shaping behavior above understanding it, and it confuses the signal (what was really going on for a child) with the noise (behavior).
I realized that there had to be a way of working with families that was effective without sacrificing the connection between parent and child. I translated my knowledge about attachment, mindfulness, and internal family systems into a method for working with parents that was concrete, accessible, and easy to understand.
This book offers practical strategies for parents to improve their relationship with their child and foster deeper healing. It emphasizes the importance of self-care and the well-being of a child, aiming to promote healing in both parents and children. The book is theory-driven, strategy-rich, evidence-based, and creatively intuitive, emphasizing the emotional needs of a child. The author aims to provide a nuanced understanding of the child underneath the behavior and tools to put this understanding into practice. The book is an initiation into a parenting model that is as much about self-development as it is about child development. The first ten chapters consist of parenting principles that promote healing and offer practical strategies for a more peaceful family experience. The second half of the book includes tactics for building connection capital and tackling specific childhood behavior issues. The author believes that this approach is not just logical but deep in parents' souls, as they all want to see their children as good kids, themselves as good parents, and work toward a more peaceful home.
PART I
Dr. Becky’s Parenting Principles
Good Inside
The author believes that everyone is good inside, including parents and children. This principle allows for curiosity about the reasons behind bad behaviors and helps develop effective strategies for change. However, it is easy to assume that children are bad inside, leading to permissive parenting and a focus on controlling them rather than trusting them.
Understanding that we are all good inside allows for differentiation between a person and a behavior, which is key to creating interventions that preserve relationships and lead to impactful change. Assuming goodness enables parents to be the sturdy leader of their family, believing in their child's ability to behave well and do the right thing. This type of leadership is what every child craves, making them feel safe, calm, and develop emotion regulation and resilience.
Operating from a "good inside" perspective can be harder than it seems, especially in difficult or highly charged moments. Evolutionarily wired with a negativity bias, we pay closer attention to what's difficult with our kids than to what is working well. Our experiences of childhood influence how we perceive and respond to our kids' behavior, leading to judgment rather than curiosity and criticism instead of understanding.
Shifting our perspective to see behavior as an expression of needs, rather than identity, can help children access their internal goodness and improve their behavior. Shifting our perspective is not easy, but it is absolutely worth it.
In this text, the author discusses the importance of understanding our body's circuitry and how it wires us to respond to difficult moments. The body learns under what conditions we receive love, attention, understanding, affection, and rejection, which is crucial for survival. This data is essential for maximizing attachment with caregivers.
The author argues that no parts of us are actually bad. Underneath "bad behavior" lies pain, abandonment fears, and a sense of threat in the family. When parents shut down a behavior harshly without recognizing the good kid underneath, a child internalizes that they are bad. This leads to harsh self-talk and the development of methods to chastise oneself, killing off the "bad kid" parts and finding the "good kid" ones.
The author suggests that how our caregivers responded to us sets the stage for how we respond to ourselves, setting the stage for how we respond to our children. This intergenerational legacy of "internal badness" can be created by how our parents reacted to our struggles, leading to doubting our goodness when facing difficulties.
The author encourages readers to take on the role of a cycle-breaker, taking on the weight of previous generations and changing the direction for future generations. They are brave, bold, and love their child more than anything, and being a cycle-breaker is an epic battle. By rewiring the circuit, readers can create a better environment for their children and create a more positive and supportive family.
The Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) is a concept that encourages parents to focus on their child's internal experiences rather than external factors. This approach helps children develop healthy coping skills and self-confidence, as they learn to recognize their emotions and feelings.
For example, when a parent expresses disappointment in their child's behavior, the mother may respond with a negative response, such as "the worst mom!" or "Ignore. Walk away." However, the mother's MGI of her child's response is more compassionate, acknowledging his feelings as a sign of overwhelming pain.
Finding the MGI helps parents understand their child's feelings and emotions, which are crucial for self-regulation and decision-making. By focusing on their internal experiences, parents can help their children form their own self-view and feel good about themselves.
When children are dysregulated, they often look to their parents for guidance on their self-perception. By reflecting back to their children that they are good inside, they are more likely to have empathy for their struggles and make better decisions. This approach leads to increased capacity to reflect and change, as all good decisions start with feeling secure in themselves and their environment.
In conclusion, finding the good inside of our struggles is valuable for personal growth and fostering a sense of security. By focusing on our inner goodness and recognizing our child's strengths, we can create a more supportive and nurturing environment for our children.
Two Things Are True
Sara, a mom of two boys, expressed frustration and self-blame due to her constant discipline. She realized that she could be both fun and firm and silly and sturdy, which would improve her family system and her parenting. This idea of multiplicity is critical to healthy relationships, as it allows two people to feel seen and real even in conflict. Building strong connections relies on the assumption that no one is right in the absolute, as understanding, not convincing, is what makes people feel secure in a relationship.
Understanding involves trying to see and learn more about another person's perspective, feelings, and experience. It doesn't mean agreeing or complying, but rather putting our own experience aside for a moment to get to know someone else's. Understanding has one goal: connection, and connecting to our kids helps them regulate their emotions and feel good inside. Convincing, on the other hand, is the attempt to prove a singular reality, making the other person "wrong." Convincing has one goal in mind: being right, but it can make the other person feel unseen and unheard, making connection impossible.
Understanding and convincing are two diametrically opposed ways of approaching others. When in "one thing is true" mode, judgmental and reactive, exchanges escalate quickly, making the other person defensive. In contrast, when in "two things are true" mode, curiosity and acceptance arise, allowing both parties to feel seen and heard. Research on marriage, business, and friendship shows that relationships do better when we are in understanding mode. For example, the Gottman Method, a research-backed approach to successful marriage, emphasizes accepting that two perspectives are valid.
The "two things are true" perspective is essential for mental health and personal growth. It allows individuals to experience multiple emotions simultaneously, recognizing that they can love their kids, crave alone time, be grateful for childcare support, and be a good parent. This perspective is key to mental health, as it allows us to feel like one self while being many.
Parenting in this mode can help guide us towards becoming stronger adults by holding two realities at once. This involves firm boundaries, warm connection, and giving our kids what they need today and setting them up for resilience in the future. It's especially critical for kids, who need to feel that their parents recognize and permit their feelings without taking over decision-making.
Working on holding both truths and allowing both realities is essential for building understanding and connection with our kids. In adult relationships, acknowledging multiple realities doesn't necessarily mean choosing a single truth. Acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of life can lead to better decision-making and increased motivation.
In situations where we have multiple realities coexisting, acknowledging both can help us navigate difficult situations and maintain a healthy relationship. By acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of life, we can build a stronger connection with our children and maintain a healthy work-life balance.
"Two things are true" is a foundational parenting principle that encourages us to acknowledge our experiences, feelings, and truths. It helps us manage disappointment and feel safe to consider others' perspectives. This principle is applicable in various parenting struggles, such as holding boundaries with kids, dealing with power struggles, handling rudeness, and grounding ourselves when parenting feels hard.
In situations where a child wants to watch a show or movie that you deem inappropriate, you can hold your boundary and validate that your child feels upset, disappointed, angry, and left out. This approach allows you to make firm decisions without choosing between firm decisions and loving validation.
