The Escalator E-Book

Andrew Budden

• Herausgeber: Editstream Press
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

It's amazing where you can roam at the foot of an escalator. William, free to think at the bottom of his, is about to embark on the shocking finale to his mysterious search.
There's much else to ponder, too. There's his love for the barbed Cas. And who's the woman he meets every week claiming to be his daughter? There's the past he pictures of flying, TV, spiritual and sporting glory. But how does the ordinary life he remembers at the steelworks sit with being confidant to Marlon Brando and Michael Jordan, Brookside scriptwriter and Concorde's chief test pilot?
Can William resolve the conflicts of a brilliant, riotous mind to stop self-destruction? Are we all on the same track?

This literary novel confronts love and isolation, freedom and focus, reality and imagination with tragi-comic craftsmanship.

Leseprobe

The Escalator

Andrew Budden

First Published in 2023 by Editstream Press

Copyright © 2023 Andrew Budden

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilised in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, filming, recording, video recording, photography, or by any information storage and retrieval system, nor shall by way of trade or otherwise be lent, resold or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without prior permission in writing from the publisher: editstreampress.com.

The right of the author of his work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

This is a work of the imagination in its entirety. All names, settings, incidents, and dialogue have been invented, and when real places, products, and public figures are mentioned in the story, they are used fictionally and without any claim of endorsement or affiliation. Any resemblance between the characters in the novel and real people is strictly coincidence.

ISBN 978-1-7397391-0-2 (paperback)ISBN 978-1-7397391-1-9 (hardcover, large print)ISBN 978-1-7397391-2-6 (ebook)ISBN 978-1-7397391-3-3 (audiobook) ISBN 978-1-7397391-4-0 (paperback, UK)

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Cover design and ebook formatting: Averill Buchanan

for Margaret, Mark and Jill

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

Acknowledgements

About the author

1

The polyester and cotton navy uniforms were hanging up for each new working day. Lois pulled on the trousers and pushed her head and arms through the tunic, smoothing the white piping around the short sleeves and collar. As a teenager she had dressed sure-footedly too, though more quickly. She could be up and out of the house in minutes then to hang out with Kal and Maidie. She remembered the shoulder pads, the purple, orange and green colours, and the clashes with her mother. Mostly, adulthood had been a continuation from childhood for her, with Jack alongside. He was still muscular. She was still thin. He was reflected in the dressing table mirror as she brushed her hair. He was lying on the bed, comfortable in his skin, spreadeagled on his back, naked from his shower.

*

William was dead and Cas had moved south from Birmingham to the sea. It was a seedy place with a Tesco neon sign visible from the Victorian terrace but with a sea view over the mostly new town. Brexit, in name at least, had taken place, but William had died beforehand and they had cremated him. He had known nothing of the pandemic, but it might have been more fitting for the virus to have killed him. He had always embraced every culture, China and Europe especially, but life and death were rarely as accommodating. They had last seen the sea together some years ago. She had loved him for all his faults, and there were many of those. He was a remainer, for one, and he was often deluded, for another. She had gone there for the sea and to escape her family and her friends. She could not watch the sea in Birmingham. Her children, James and Lois, for all their support, knew nothing. She could cope. She always had. But the sea helped to keep it all in perspective. She had things to say, though no one to hear them. Some things mattered and other things did not. Most things were bullshit. From the shabby terrace, she could see mist over the sea and Lundy Island was rubbed out. At low tide, the glass-like sand continued to the headland several miles away, crossing the estuary, a strip of grey barely noticeable. The headland held distant wind turbines, partly obscured by rain.

*

Cas had suggested the cruise from Genoa to Shanghai because, she said, everyone was at it. And as they weren’t at it themselves, they might as well go on a cruise. To cruise with Cas would be no holiday but, like every other couple he knew, they had found ways to navigate their relationship. William had worked hard with Cas to live in retirement like any other couple. There was no advantage in feeling guilty for having fallen apart in middle age. In many ways, they were just another pair of baby-boomers voyaging in the autumn of their years.

The idea of a cruise had appealed to William too. In hospital, some years ago, he had woken one morning feeling happier. He had thought he was on an ocean liner, and so a ship at sea symbolised his recovery and return to a measure of normality. They had been on a journey together and this subsequent journey could be thought of as a maquette for their life’s larger sculptural journey that had chipped away everything other than the David, so to speak. He acknowledged that this idea could only work if, in a post-Einsteinian world, the maquette could follow the main sculpture.

This was an opportunity to take stock. In music, this would be called the last movement or section, when the chords and tunes of the earlier movements could be reinterpreted and, with any luck, a new tone or harmony could be found. Who was he kidding? Of course, he did not have to be on a ship to do this. In rural Worcestershire, where Maria from college and her husband Stephen lived, he could simply look up to the sky as the clouds scudded by or lingered above him, with perhaps the sweet scent of burning wood on the air. Alternatively, in Birmingham he could watch the clouds through the glass dome of New Street Station or the cars, buses, trams or trains, moving or stationary, petrol or diesel fumes lending context to the philosophical moment. But he hoped that by being away he might discern more clearly the patterns, sounds and smells that distinguished his life – or any life – at this time. This was not a heroic age and the most he could hope for was a measure of truth and completion to take back home with him to Birmingham.

Also, he thought, on a cruise, he might get a better sense of the distance travelled; more time perhaps to get used to not being where he started. He had never been on Concorde, and Concorde no longer flew, but he imagined that he would have no sense of journeying on Concorde, whereas on a cruise there was a greater possibility of comprehending where he had been, wherever that was. It no longer mattered greatly where he was. He could still be in touch through the cloud with family and friends – his daughter Lois, and her husband Jack, his son James, and wife Ioanela, his brother Paul married to Ruth, and Maria and Stephen too. At the same time he could keep his feet on the deck. Even when wet, the compound deck rooted him to the ship and to reality. It was still a comfort to him that the physical world seemed largely unaffected by his thoughts.

So they had set out together with their wheeled suitcases from Gatwick, flying to Genoa and catching the cruise there. After a tedious three-hour wait to board, they had started to enjoy themselves, in as much as an elderly couple could enjoy anything. Their cabin had an obstructed view, with a lifeboat blocking the porthole – a picture frame without the picture. This had suited William, if not Cas. To have had an ocean view would have been too indulgent, or so his father would have thought. As it was, William had never been so well looked after, and he felt the disapproval that his father would have felt at the sense of entitlement and rudeness of some of his fellow passengers. On board ship, rudeness was as much life as the ocean.

He had been swimming in one of the deck pools each morning. He was thin now and so the seawater had felt particularly cold at first, though it had warmed up during the journey. He remembered how, many years earlier, James with armbands used to hold tightly to him in the swimming pool, kicking fit to burst, and he remembered the smell of Bovril on the swimming pool balcony afterwards.

The breakfasts on board were an education to William. There was always fresh fruit, yoghurt, muesli, pastries, cheese, sausages, bacon, scrambled egg and fried potatoes. Then there was juice and endless cups of coffee. William didn’t like using the linen serviettes as someone would have to wash and iron them afterwards.

‘Aren’t we allowed some pleasure in our old age?’ Cas said. William would have been happier, were he young or well enough, scrubbing the decks or toiling in the laundry. He had taken to making porridge for Cas in retirement, so he took an interest in the ship’s breakfast spreads as someone who at least knew what was involved in making breakfast. Cas had once attempted cooked breakfasts herself on Saturdays when Lois and James were teenagers, but they had never been like this. In fact, the breakfasts had rather got the better of her. He had never held this against her because he had married her for other reasons. He had married her because hatred was strong in her, including a hatred of God. This had made her stand out for him. Whether or not she could make breakfast had been neither here nor there.

In Naples, they had resisted the hawkers and taken the cable car up to the palace for a view of Vesuvius in the haze. The cable car had intrigued William as the tunnel had widened midway to allow the descending car to pass their ascending one. His mind was not scientific but he was nevertheless appreciative that the cable cars hadn’t crashed halfway up. He was indebted to science, and the scientific method, even though he rarely understood it. The idea that rolling a ball down a slope on Monday was the same as rolling a ball down a slope on Tuesday appealed to him. The cable car also seemed to be akin to the web where, he was told, packets of information were transported, cable-car-like. It was also similar to an escalator, in that it went up and down, and also perhaps to the medieval concept of a heaven and hell as distinct cable cars either ascended or descended, with the added charm of Vesuvius waiting to encase him in lava, in whichever direction he was heading.

At Heraklion, they had been reminded of Greek myth and how, bull-like, the gods had been at it too, but the lack of passion between himself and Cas wasn’t going to ruin their holiday. They had always been all right together, even in abstinence which, in truth, had been most of the time. They hadn’t stopped in Egypt, but it had looked Pharaonic from the Suez Canal, with sand, palm trees and tiny boats fishing, if not carrying the dead into the underworld, or was he mixing that up with Greek mythology? A reference to Tutankhamun might have been more apt here. He had never been a stickler for the facts.

On the Silk Road bus from Aqaba to Petra, their Jordanian guide talked about the Syrian refugee camps in the north, reminding William of Syria’s devastation and making him think that he had no right to be on a cruise at all with so much suffering in among this voyage. The guide also dwelt on Abdullah II’s benevolence and descent from an uncle of Muhammad. Sitting next to him by the coach window, Cas gazed at the horizon with unbending dark eyes. This was her desert. William was fascinated by all the stones and olive trees he saw from the coach window, associating them with the biblical references from his childhood and his father’s sermons. Petra meant ‘rock’, the guide said. In spite of their frailty, or at least his frailty, the bond between Cas and himself felt rock-like too, William thought.

They walked over wet stones through the gorge into the city lost to all but local Bedouin until the nineteenth century. There were ponies, pony and traps and camels climbing and descending, and tousled Jordanian boys trying to sell trinkets and souvenirs among the cathedral of Nabatean, Greek, Roman, Byzantine and Christian carvings intertwined with the natural carvings of time and water.

‘It might be a wonder of the world,’ Cas said, ‘but it’s more like Clapham Junction. Give me Dudley’s Wren’s Nest any day.’

‘Cas says Petra’s like Clapham Junction,’ William texted to Lois.

‘Look after yourselves,’ Lois replied. ‘It’s raining here. Callie’s home for the weekend so we’re in McDonald’s!’

William smiled. You wouldn’t find Callie cooking.

After five days at sea, they docked at Muscat and visited Nizwa. William could still smell the fly-ridden tuna from the fish market when Cas bought saffron from the spice market for Lois, Ruth and Ioanela.

‘They’ve nothing better to do than cook,’ she said. ‘Callie has more sense. She’s got a mind. She never cooks. She takes after me.’

But Oman, like Jordan, made an impression on them. The Sultan appeared to have used oil and his Sandhurst training to good effect, at least for Omanis. This, combined with Ibadi tolerance and the lack of skyscrapers, was something to celebrate, William felt, among the empty values of some Gulf States and the devastation in Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan and Tunisia. And approaching Khor al Fakkan early the next morning, the sun from behind the ship had caught the twin minarets and houses of the white town and the wings of small waders swirling low over the water. It had also picked out in relief the red and blue hues of the mountains behind so that the picture frame was filled and nicely balanced.

In Dubai, he had gone down with a fever and hadn’t eaten for two days.

‘A good reaction to Dubai,’ Cas said. ‘Palm-tree islands, my arse.’

William was more interested in how wealth could distort judgement. From personal experience, he knew all about distorted judgements. Since the monetary crisis, Dubai had run out of money, but there was little evidence that any good sense had replaced the hubris. How did anyone back down from an insane project like Dubai? Only with Cas and Lois’s help had he come to terms with his own insanity. William appreciated Dubai’s difficulty. Dubai too, at some point, would have to wake from the bad dream.

Goa was lush. Their trip started in Old Goa with a baroque church containing the tomb of St Francis Xavier, the other St Francis. There had been more than one St Francis, just as there were now two popes. Their guide had then taken them further into the forested hills to the Mangueshi Temple dedicated to Manguesh, an incarnation of Shiva. Reincarnation had been an idea that William, as a small boy, had stumbled on for himself. It had not been a concept talked about at home. In other ways, he had been an unexceptional child. Now, nearing the end of his life, he felt that reincarnation had merit as well as a long pedigree. The idea was familiar to the ancient Greeks, as Leopold Bloom explains to Molly in Ulysses. There were so many things he would still like to do. Removing their shoes, they had entered the temple to experience the devotion of the Brahmin, young and old, at the temple’s heart. And the stallholders leading to and from the temple opened William’s senses to sacred India. Garlands, music, flower fragrance, gentle cows, friendly haggling, incense and ripening fruit contributed to this sensory experience.

In old Kochi, the cantilever fishing nets smelt of fish and were still lifting and dropping to catch fish as they had done for generations. These ancient timepieces were of Chinese design and had been described by Marco Polo. Did wheelbarrows come first? William wondered. And they had stumbled on the synagogue, an oasis of calm with a blue hand-painted porcelain tiled floor. The building’s simplicity would not have been out of place in the Congregational churches his father had preached in. He touched Cas on the shoulder in the synagogue and felt close to her in other ways at that moment.

‘They would have been better off in India,’ she said, meaning her German family.

In Colombo, they had seen some fine Buddhas, including Buddhas with haloes. It was good to see the iconography shared, even if, having no god, Buddhism was more philosophy than religion, their guide said. She also explained that the impressive reclining Buddha at Kelaniya could be seen to be at the point of death because the feet were slightly out of alignment. And on the way back to the ship, their guide had sung to them about yesterday, today and tomorrow. In William’s case, there was more yesterday than tomorrow to sing about, he felt. And, from the ship, the crescent moon now faced upwards like a pewter plate.

During the days at sea after this, they spent many hours together watching the wide wake of the ship stretching behind. On one occasion they had seen several dolphins swimming across the wake as if trying to stitch the water furrow back together. The wake was red, brown and green in the evening sun like gros point needlework and Ioanela’s braided hair on her wedding day. But mostly they were content to simply stare at where the ship was coming from, wherever that was.

The ship had anchored several days later at the Phuket deep-sea port where they took a lifeboat to the Thai mainland. They had then taken a tuk-tuk to the old town in among the young on scooters, rather than motorbikes, and ate a pad thai meal as they looked over the coast. Yes, it was trite. But just how much could they ask of a holiday in the autumn of their years?

The next day in Georgetown, Penang, they had searched in the heat of the day for a restaurant serving sea bass and failed to find one. Just as valuable, Cas said, as searching for it and finding it, but she was mocking his puritan upbringing, of course. Instead, they found steamed dim sum, which were delicious, and had returned to the ship well satisfied with their failures and successes in the Penang heat.

At the Negara Museum in Kuala Lumpur the next day, there had been some stone Buddhas and, by way of contrast, a picture of Queen Elizabeth at the Independence Ceremony wearing long, white gloves. He remembered his mother wearing gloves like that on one or two occasions in his childhood, though she had been in no way pretentious. After the museum, they had taken one of the lifts up to the viewing platform of the KL Tower to view other towers in the hazy heat. William said that he felt nearer to heaven. Cas told him to pull himself together and that no one should pay good money to go in a lift.

And it was at this point in the cruise that William’s Dubai fever spread from family to family and cabin to cabin as if rehearsing for a global pandemic. It made no distinction between crew members and passengers, but he identified those he considered heroes of this voyage, albeit of a non-heroic kind. In particular, two dancers, Leonardo from Cuba and Fernanda from Brazil, who had a remarkable work ethic, like his father, and continued to dance throughout, lifting everyone’s spirits with dance instead of war.

William had never taken much interest in politics, but this cruise showed him that politics made a difference. Singapore with no resources seemed to be built on strong government, high fines and immigrant labour. In another incarnation, he might have taken more interest in politics. His political judgements – perhaps most of his judgements – had always been poor. He had always thought, for instance, that the Berlin Wall was there to stay. And now, he could not fathom the Brexit vote, though Cas was a Brexiteer to her fingertips, nor Donald Trump’s election. This world was no longer for him.

During his illness, he had embraced absolutism. Now that he was recovering, politics seemed to have taken on the mantle of his own madness and populism was everywhere. He was recovering, but the world had gone crazy! Nietzsche may have been onto something when he said that it was not doubt but certainty that drives you mad.

Visiting Raffles, they had, of course, like little Englanders, taken the Singapore Sling in the Long Bar and thrown the peanut shells onto the floor in colonial fashion, the only littering that Singapore tolerated. The light-and-sound show in Marina Bay afterwards might have made anything that Birmingham offered seem provincial and of little consequence. But Birmingham had Mirga, by way of Lithuania, a worthy successor to Simon Rattle and a match for any light-and-sound show. Also, Birmingham was where he was from and no one could argue with where they were from. William wondered why, in this internet age, he could not be in both Birmingham and Singapore simultaneously, for the sake of comparison. But having a unique location was in the nature of what a place was. Even on a privileged cruise that his father would have disapproved of, in spite of the obscured view and where most things were at his service, he still could not occupy more than one place at a time, even on board ship. But then places had always puzzled William and it didn’t do to think about them too closely.

In Ho Chi Minh City, the old Saigon, they had both been moved by the photography from the Vietnam War at the War Museum, including the consequences of Agent Orange. What times they had both lived through, and without suffering to the extent that others had. His own small suffering seemed trivial. But the city’s people were also touchingly welcoming and William had felt intrusive when their taxi driver had shown them into his home in the back streets, where each dwelling opened onto the street with dogs, cockerels or cats for company and smiling faces curious to see them. In Birmingham, William’s family had not deserved to do so well financially. Mostly this was down to Cas, as he had had no gainful employment, or employment of any kind, after the age of forty.

‘We should downsize,’ he said to Cas, as they looked into a one-room home facing the street, with a smiling mother and two children and no more than a curtain for privacy. This family might well have a more meaningful life than his own family, William thought.

‘I might as well have married your father,’ Cas said. He knew what she meant. It was a bit late in the day to feel squeamish about his financial acumen or their life of accumulation, at least up to when he was forty. His father had never owned his own house, always living in the church manse, and had always lived frugally.

They had not gone far from the ferry terminal in Hong Kong, only as far as Nathan Road, when it started raining heavily. The colourful umbrellas had uncoiled as if a Chinese parasol dance had begun. With Cas, he descended the stairs into McDonald’s to shelter from the rain, an elderly English couple surrounded mostly by young, cool Chinese with gentle smiles, the women with colourful tops, shorts or skimpy dresses, a life-affirming sight to William’s old eyes. McDonald’s, like other brands such as Quality Street, had become a kind of certainty in William’s life. Wherever he might be, even in Hong Kong, and at whatever stage in his life – this must be the last stage or movement – brands brought continuity and a kind of stability, even though he liked to think that he usually disapproved of brands. He also realised that he had not been into a McDonald’s for many years, in fact since his illness, and he sobbed quietly, remembering how Lois used to meet with him every Sunday in McDonald’s by the ramp down to New Street and how he had refused to accept that she was his daughter.

‘You sentimental old git!’ Cas said. She didn’t always complete her sentences. They sipped quietly at their eighteen-Hong-Kong-dollar espressos, William mopping his eyes with an off-white paper towel that for some reason reminded him of Diana’s wedding dress.

William had difficulty in reading the signals in Japan. Was Abenomics working or not? Arriving in Fukuoka City on Shōwa Day, Cas and William were taken by their guide to Dazaifu and the Shintu Tenmangu Shrine. As they walked to the temple, there were three students collecting for the Kumamoto earthquake, a precursor of the Fukushima earthquake some years earlier – assuming once again, Einstein permitting, that the prequel could follow the main event – when the sea, terrifyingly, had receded before it advanced. Cas donated willingly. The guide told her that the sun was always watching her, implying that Cas’s generosity would not go unseen.

‘I’ve more time for the sun than for my bastard god!’ Cas said, and she took her hat off so that the sun could get a better view of her. Her grey hair had bleached some more during the cruise so that it might now be described as off-white, but to William she was still as dark and striking as ever. Each of us is here, beautiful: like sushi, William thought, and then gone in a mouthful. Their guide also explained the level of the bow required for colleagues, the boss and the emperor. And she explained that, as workaholics, many Japanese workers would not take company holidays, and so national holidays, such as Shōwa Day, were a lifeline. But was there enough hunger for change yet in this ageing society? Was there enough willingness not to accept what was said, as Lois and James had quite rightly never accepted what he said and had gone entirely their own way? William did not know. Japanese cars seemed to be on the streets and Japanese cars had been everywhere in the other countries they had visited. The Japanese must be doing something right. At one time – up to the age of forty – William had had a proper job and had had to know all about Total Quality Management, and he still very much approved of continuous improvement, whether in engineering or in life.

At the Kyushu National Museum, there was no Staffordshire Hoard or folded cross as in Birmingham, but they had stood quietly in front of the stone sculpture of the child Prince Shōtoku, the founder of Japanese Buddhism.

‘He’s just like James,’ William said.

‘Not any more he isn’t!’ Cas said. ‘Not the way Ioanela feeds him. And anyway, James would be looking down.’

Arriving in Shanghai in the evening, they had seen the Chinese acrobat show at the Central Theatre. William had called to mind Rilke’s acrobats in the Duino Elegies, whose bored routine was compared unfavourably with children and angels. But acrobats were less of a brand than Quality Street. The acrobats of Rilke’s 1920s Germany were not the same acrobats of China’s twenty-first-century transformation, or of their Han-dynasty predecessors, who might have known all about newly invented wheelbarrows. William’s reaction to these young acrobats was wholly one of awe and admiration, though he acknowledged something complex in their demeanour. There was also a feeling that, as a viewer, he was complicit in some sort of exploitation that his father might not have approved of. In the final act, a girl of possibly no more than sixteen, standing on one end of a see-saw – were the Chinese first to see-saws as they were first to wheelbarrows and cantilever fishing nets? – was thrown into the air by two young men that were a study in concentration, jumping from a high platform together, the girl landing in a chair at the top of a pole held by a man standing on another man’s shoulders. There was true danger and apprehension, clearly visible in the acrobats’ expressions, the danger not exactly akin to flying Concorde, where safety was at least partly in the pilot’s hands, but in both cases the consequences of error did not bear thinking about.

‘I wouldn’t have let Lois do that,’ Cas said.

For once, William agreed with her. ‘Even with life insurance,’ he said.

2

Lois boarded the slow train to the hospital. Wearing a surgical mask on the journey was a new variant. She had loved taking the train with her father as a child, holding his hand to climb up from the platform. Later, she had been there for him too as far as possible, trying to steady him, her own feet on the ground instead. He always had ideas but he never knew how far to take them. It was hard to say where he had gone astray. Perhaps he had not gone wrong at all. He would never stop thinking. Those long train journeys were always happy. There was a golden chair at the end of one train journey with him. Her dolls would have loved to sit on that chair. Now he was absent, and there was only time to arrange herself carefully in the seat before this shorter journey ended.

*

Cas watched the sea from her high window. It did not understand humour, or anything else. With William, she had been able to open her mouth and say whatever came into her head, however outrageous. He would smile sometimes, or at least understand what she was driving at, even in his madness and even when he disagreed with her, as on Brexit. With William dead, everything was clearer. She could dance over it all now, like Fernanda, the Brazilian dancer on their cruise ship, erotically never touching her Cuban partner as if the virus had already arrived. She was in a different place now, and the world was in a different place too. She would have loved to talk with William about the virus – make him feel responsible for it even, Donald Trump fashion. Were the virus to have killed him, they would both have appreciated the irony together. There would have been endless possibilities to tease William over his love for every culture and religion. She would have told him that this was virally unsound. He was the only person who had always listened to her and understood her jokes. Through his final illness they had continued to talk, just as, through her window, the waves at the seashore continued to roll, with the herring gulls above flying north and the sun catching their wings, white against the purple sea.

*

He had come some way with Cas in retirement since he had been in hospital. And he didn’t mean only that they had reached Shanghai together. William remembered his stay in hospital in the old century. Dr Derrington, like an ancient alchemist mixing compounds, had eventually told William that he was recovering. The series of magic potions had worked. William was engaging with people again. He felt better too. He had noticed the witch-hazel’s yellow flowers and musty smell in the hospital garden and the snowdrops on the bank behind the car park. He was a man at peace again.

Emerging from this treatment, he knew where he had gone wrong and what he had learned. He had come through all this and what was left of him seemed spare and uncluttered. It was a puritan idea that through difficulty he had found truth. But it wasn’t necessarily wrong for being puritan! He was wasted. But what was left felt true. Now he could discern the essentials.

There had been a winter thunderstorm when he had woken that morning to a relative normality. He had briefly thought that the hospital building was an ocean liner with waves at the portholes. It had felt like the storm in King Lear bringing him back to sanity after a long journey … and to the smell of cabbage from the hospital canteen.

It was almost as if the years before this had been in order to make him more human again. He had no personal ambition any longer; no axe to grind. But as Rilke had said, being here was wonderful; participating in his old age was all that he asked for, and to be an observer of his family and of this rich moment in history was privilege enough. He was already elderly but he was seeing things with a child’s eyes, as if for the first time. He had spent his youth not knowing what he was about. As a young man, he had had his head in his books before marrying and getting an industrial job, having two children and acquiring other stuff on the way. After forty, he had experienced years of floundering through which he had explored many things. So in his recovery and beginning the last stage of his life it was good to be grounded again.

He recognised how lucky he was. Lois had stuck by him through thick and thin, always his dependable nurse. She had been there for him in the depths of his illness. She had never flinched. He was talking to James again – when James wasn’t too taken up with Ioanela’s dark smile and fierce temper. Lois, James and Callie were his family. He would be able to watch Callie growing up; she was an outward-facing girl, almost American – or as Americans used to be – in her sureness of herself.

He had become curious too about the other patients. Marjorie had always been kind to him during his stay, aware of his every mood and small improvement and, when he was sad, showing him well-thumbed photographs of all the dogs she had cared for. And then she had killed herself, saving up and hiding her medication over several weeks. The tenderest people often suffered the most. He missed her, but not as much as he missed Cas.

Cas was still the love of his life and he hadn’t seen her in years. Love of this kind was not delusion. Why was she so essential to him? One reason perhaps was that she had confronted him and refused to accept his nonsense. She wasn’t tender or sentimental, but his insanity must have been intolerable to her. He had believed for a time that she had taken someone else to be her lover. This was not the case, Lois had assured him. But Cas must have found it increasingly difficult to argue with his irrationality and argument was pivotal to her Jewish soul. She could either accept his madness, or have nothing to do with it. Lois had helped him to survive by tolerating his idiocy, by nurturing him as one of her patients. Cas might have washed her hands of his incoherence, but could she evade his love? Love worked on a different plane. His love for her had remained. Would she ever come back to him? Had she indeed stayed put for him?

William was back with life. And Callie, his granddaughter, would rush up to him and fling her arms round his waist, gripping on to him in the same way that James once used to hold onto him in the swimming pool. James now, rightly, embraced Ioanela. Callie would also run around the hospital and say ‘hello’ to all the patients and nurses, apparently unconcerned whether or not they were too distracted to reply. Lois had been about Callie’s age when, with Cas, he had taken her and James by train to see Tutankhamun at the British Museum. Lois said that she could only remember a small chair with gold painting on it from that exhibition – the first exhibition he had ever taken her to. But it was such things as small gold chairs that defined a childhood: blue was the defining colour from his own childhood; the same blue he noticed on police cars now – that mix of speed, rhythm, blueness and apprehension. He remembered the colour of the childhood blue, but not the exact object. China’s Terracotta Army had not even been unearthed then but China was now on the march.

Lois had taken him shopping to Marks and Spencer last week for new clothes. The store had been dull. These were hard times. But he had imagined himself flirting with one of the shop assistants like a man without shame. How beautiful the city had seemed! The women, men and children of different races, shapes and sizes were wondrous. Had there ever been so much beauty in his life? The girls in hijabs or low-rise jeans gave him joy and hope. He had noticed that the shoppers, contrary to what he had been led to believe, did not seem fat, lazy or uncaring. They were just getting on with their lives. They shopped mostly in pairs or with young children and they carried more paper carrier bags than plastic ones, filling them with fresh soup in plastic cartons, among other purchases. They were not looking for trouble or fame. They appeared to be mostly happy with their lot and with their companionships or families. He had noticed the smiles and the hand-holding. The ordinary had at that moment seemed entirely honourable. Lois had had to cajole him back to the car. He was more comfortable with others again and he could smile sympathetically when Ava, the nun, rolled on the floor and kicked her legs in the air, calling out in anguish as if for the poise of her youth or the wind in her hair. This could have been a cormorant’s courtship display, her black habit in disarray. It was a comfort, in a way, that a nun also needed psychiatric help, the confessional not always adequate. He knew her plight. He had been there too. In fact, he could have made love to her on the hospital floor, their wings beating together and his new eyes taking everything in.

He had written to Cas and told her that he still loved her. Was it really so many years since all this had started? He couldn’t remember much. But love wasn’t subject to time. He would always love her.