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DARE YOU READ A DIFFERENT STORY?
To read the first Spanish grip-lit and the most controversial?
Guided by desperation and a mysterious diary from World War II, a mother will cross the line of good and evil. In a time where the fanaticism of the past is revived in the present.
In a time where society is lost and “monsters” live in it.
Travel with our special protagonist through the dark world of human trafficking, family sins, and the medical mafia.
An agile and daring prose that warns us of the future.
Social, historical, and contemporary novel. Combined with romance, mystery, adventure, thriller, and science fiction.
A mixture of souls that gives rise to a story full of feelings and emotions, whose twists and turns show us that the complex can be really easy.
SYNOPSIS:
A mother, prisoner of words, who would do anything to find her daughter...
A journalist, prisoner of his heart, who would do anything for justice...
A Tin God, prisoner of his revenge, who wishes he had done nothing...
And a past that should never have been forgotten.
When the strongest enemies are not men, but words... Can there be a winner?
Once you read the first page... YOU WILL BE ADDICTED.
Enjoy in this volume of a fantastic DISCUSSION GUIDE FOR READING CLUBS and a beautiful gift story.
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Seitenzahl: 1212
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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Readers’ Reviews Of The Spanish Volumes
Acknowledgments
Listening Guide to the Music Tracks
Prologue
Synopsis
The Ravens Bridge Vol. I
I. The Demon Of Words
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
II. I’m Sorry, I Love You, Forgive Me, Thank You
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
III. Broken Shadows
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
IV. The Night Of Ravens
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Chapter 50
Chapter 51
Chapter 52
Chapter 53
Chapter 54
Chapter 55
Chapter 56
Chapter 57
Chapter 58
Chapter 59
Chapter 60
Chapter 61
Chapter 62
Chapter 63
Chapter 64
Chapter 65
Chapter 66
Chapter 67
Chapter 68
Chapter 69
Chapter 70
Chapter 71
Chapter 72
Chapter 73
The Ravens Bridge Vol. II
Explanatory Note
Blue Smile Mirrors
Part Five
Chapter 74
Chapter 75
Chapter 76
Chapter 77
Chapter 78
Chapter 79
Chapter 80
Chapter 81
Chapter 82
Chapter 83
Chapter 84
Chapter 85
Chapter 86
Chapter 87
Chapter 88
Chapter 89
Chapter 90
Chapter 91
Chapter 92
Chapter 93
Chapter 94
Chapter 95
Chapter 96
Chapter 97
Chapter 98
Chapter 99
Chapter 100
Chapter 101
The Tin God
Part Six
Chapter 102
Chapter 103
Chapter 104
Chapter 105
Chapter 106
Chapter 107
Chapter 108
Chapter 109
Chapter 110
Chapter 111
Chapter 112
Chapter 113
Chapter 114
Chapter 115
Chapter 116
The Valkyrie’s Vigil
Part Seven
Chapter 117
Chapter 118
Chapter 119
Chapter 120
Chapter 121
Chapter 122
Chapter 123
Chapter 124
Chapter 125
Chapter 126
Chapter 127
Mechanical Soul
Part Eight
Chapter 128
Chapter 129
HORIZONS WITHOUT DESTINY
Epilogue
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Discussion Guide For Book Clubs
GIFT STORY
Preview of my next novel
The Essence of Iris
Note To The Reader
Special Note To My English-Speaking Readers
STORY OF A CENSORSHIP
Part I
Part II
Part III
Part IV
Part V
Part VI
Part VII
Title: The Ravens Bridge. Collection.
© Ana Daitán, 2024
ISBN: 978-84-09-61018-1
"El Puente de los Cuervos Vol. I" and "El Puente de los Cuervos Vol. II" (the Spanish versions of "The Ravens Bridge Vol. I" and "The Ravens Bridge Vol. II") were released on December 14, 2021.
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However, brief excerpts from the work may be quoted in a review. Please contact CEDRO (Spanish Center for Reprographic Rights) if you need to photocopy or scan any excerpt of this work. You must get the license and send your requests to: [email protected].
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Message to future generations: it is expressly forbidden to modify or omit any word written in the novel or to make any addition to make it “politically correct” according to the criteria of your time (I don’t allow it in the present time either, by the way). Please be smart (and not a generation of idiots) and respect History and its context.
To you, reader, for dedicating the most valuable thing that exists, your time, in this reading.
And to you, Dad, wherever you are, for being the light that always guides my path.
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Review of The Ravens Bridge Vol. I:
The controversial nature of this novel makes it stand out among other books of similar genres because it has faced censorship. Ana Daitán is an author who dares to shed light on taboo subjects. In The Ravens Bridge Vol. I, the author fearlessly explores themes that defy social norms, boldly pushing the boundaries of storytelling and provoking introspection.
“The Ravens Bridge Vol. I” is not a novel for people of high sensitivity to strong themes.
But if you are able to endure intricate details, the emotional depth of the characters, and the gut-wrenching pain that is inevitable when it comes to war and perversions of power, then prepare to be transported to a world where the boundaries between past and present are blurred, and long-buried secrets emerge with breathtaking intensity.
The Ravens Bridge Vol. I is an extraordinary historical mystery thriller that weaves together the rich tapestry of past and present. Tempting readers into an irresistible labyrinth of adventure, romance, and suspense.
I am impressed by how deftly Ana Daitán interweaves two timelines. Seamlessly merging the enigma of a bygone era with the urgent quest of a present-day protagonist. The allure of forgotten secrets propels the narrative forward. Keeping readers on the edge of their seats with each tantalizing revelation.
With meticulous attention to detail, Ana Daitán educates us about issues of contemporary controversy and tragic realities of the past. The Ravens Bridge Vol. I is an exceptional combination of history, mystery, romance, and suspense. It stands as a testament to the power of literature to push boundaries, provoke thought, and ignite the imagination.
Prepare to be captivated and awed by this forbidden gem that refuses to be silenced.
Review of Volume I:
The Ravens Bridge is quite an adventure.
The story follows Ananké, a woman who is guided by a mysterious diary to learn more about her personal demons as well as the past. The diary leads her on an epic journey full of twists and turns. Although I did not read “The Da Vinci Code,” I believe “The Ravens Bridge” is in the same category. It is fast-paced and full of adrenaline, almost like an Indiana Jones script.
Daitán’s writing is energetic, relying on a mix of dialogue and brief prose to move the plot. Although Spanish is my second language, Daitán writes in such a way that I can follow everything and the book moves very quickly.
I am curious to learn what happens in book two of this series.
In the future, I would like to see Daitán write more historical fiction. She certainly has a knack for bringing out details and conveying action.
Review of Volume I:
Emotions and feelings to the surface without limits.
“Look for the raven. Find your daughter. That is your path.” (“The Ravens Bridge Vol. I” by Ana Daitán).
I started this first book of the saga without knowing practically what it was about. I only had references from the author herself. So I entered the story blindly.
Ananké is the name of an ancient warrior goddess, but also of the protagonist who narrates in first person her life and vicissitudes from an early age.
A girl who has to fight with the outside in her own inner world. Social denunciation of situations that we have assimilated as normal, without realizing how serious they are for those who suffer them. And a fairy godmother named Selena who will help Ananké to fight against her ghosts.
Later, Roni appears on the scene. And it’s like riding a roller coaster: I went from calm to adrenaline almost in the same chapter. Just as I learned technicalities and curious facts I didn’t know.
Halfway through the book it takes a whole turn, and another character takes the first voice from the past. I have read many books that talked about Nazism, but none so detailed and heartbreaking. I had a hard time reading those pages.
In short, you are going to laugh, cry, experience adventure, intrigue, and lots of love. It is a book with values that, despite being fiction in some parts, could well be the life of any of us. For the author, writing it has been like a catharsis in her own words.
Let’s go for the second part, Ana!
Review of Volume II:
Quite a statement of intent.
“Our destiny can be improved through our thoughts and actions."
(“The Ravens Bridge Vol. II”).
Well, I am going to try to explain in words everything that this book has made me feel. The second part of a bilogy that has not only broken my schemes but has made me discover an author that I knew was brave but that has made me admire her even more in her facet as a writer.
I started this fictional novel, but more real than life itself, having a considerable reader’s block. But little by little, page by page and word by word, I can’t believe that today I have finished it. Ana tells me that I have drunk it, I tell you that I have lived it.
Each character, each scene, each reflection, each link to the song that she herself has chosen to give more emphasis to the chapter have managed to get me completely into the narrative.
The documentation work is amazing. It brings us snippets of human history that fit perfectly into the storyline. Makes you question if everything that has happened was determined or could have been changed. It makes you think, laugh, cry, get excited, get angry, you get into the skin of the protagonists and you live it as if you were them. You leave each chapter exhausted but stronger, like Ananké, Yin, Roni... whom I will miss a lot.
A second part worthy of being read, valued, and awarded as one of the best that has appeared in recent years.
I started this year a new literary challenge (which I don’t know if I will fulfill) and this bilogy could be included in every premise. But I prefer to give it its individual place, the one it deserves, the one of honor.
Dear Ana, keep being you.
And you, please, read this bilogy. This author deserves special attention. Her style and way of writing are amazing.
Review of Volume I:
The book is articulated in two parts. In the first part, it is Ananké’s voice that speaks to us in the first person. And in it she tells us a story of overcoming. The author deals quite seriously with psychological traumas and the struggle to overcome them. And also gives us a detailed and accurate vision of pederasty. Ana Daitán will make her protagonist undertake a relentless struggle in defense of children and against child sexual exploitation.
The second part of the book gives way to Julia. Who takes us through the interwar period in Europe, the Second World War, and the fate of the Spaniards who fled to France to escape our own war.
With numerous historical digressions that provide us with a historical context where we move with the characters. Given the ignorance (in many cases voluntary) that surrounds us today, it is a welcomed extra.
Throughout the book, the care and hard work of the author is evident. Nothing is random. And small details, a priori unimportant, are revealed to be fundamental later on.
The characters are carefully constructed. Everything fits into them like the gears of a watch.
In short, I can only say that once I have embarked on the reading of volume I, I find myself inexorably drawn to the reading of volume II. The author is right, you become addicted to its pages.
Review of Volume II:
“The Ravens Bridge Volume II” gives us the story version of Roni and Yin, the two important male characters in Ananké’s life in Vol. I.
If the first volume was full of historical data, in this second one we find the development of certain theories derived from that data which, given the date of registration in the Intellectual Property Registry and how well they are ascribed to the current situation, I do not know if they make the author a prophetess or, more probably, an observant person, with a wonderful common sense and great deductive capacity.
The present volume has the same fast pace as the first and complements it while continuing to develop the story. Both are equally extensive and equally quick to read. Once you start, it is impossible to stop until you reach the end.
Ana Daitán surprises us with a story in which there is a lot of science and enough fiction to keep you interested.
Although volumes III and IV have been announced, the second one has a satisfactory ending. Nevertheless, I look forward to the next installments because of the epilogue.
I hope with all my heart that the epilogue will not be as accurate with the development of the future as the two volumes that have already been published.
Ana Daitán, if you listen to me, don’t delay in giving us what is missing. In case I have to prepare for the end of the world as we know it.
Author’s comment to Isabel’s review:
Do like this reader. If you want to know your future and survive it, don’t go to a tarotist: read “The Ravens Bridge” series!!!
Review of Volume I:
Hello everyone!!
Today I bring you “The Ravens Bridge Vol. I” by @anadaitan.
As soon as I found out, thanks to the author, that the book had been censored on Amazon because of the swastika on the cover (which seems ridiculous to me in the XXI century) I did not hesitate to add it to my to-read list.
And I don’t regret it. Although it is true that the first part of the book is not my favorite reading style, I read it with great interest. And the fact that the chapters are short helped to keep reading. But there is a point in the book where the reading changes dramatically. From a teen romance novel to a thriller, set first in our time and later in World War II, at the height of Nazi Germany. It is here that I enjoyed the most. And also suffered the most because of the atrocities that took place in the concentration camps.
With this alone, I believe that this book may have awakened your interest. For my part, I hope to be able to sink my teeth into the second part soon.
Review of Volume II:
Today I bring you “The Ravens Bridge Vol. II” written by @anadaitan.
I liked it as much or even more than the first installment. It’s one of those books that you finish a chapter and you want to read the next one. I really liked the last part of the book, although it’s only a few pages and I can’t tell you anything. Well, yes, that it is set in the future... That’s all I can say.
Author’s comment:
If you want to know the truth about everything that was hidden in the censorship of the Spanish paperback version of “The Ravens Bridge Vol. I” to which the review is referring, read the section “Story of a censorship” which is only present in this book in English.
Review of Volume I:
I have entered fully into its world. Necessary and essential reading.
A story that must be told and read, full of truth, with an impressive narrative.
I personally think it is a necessary book for everyone. The history deserves to be told unadulterated. If you don’t know where you come from, you repeat patterns.
Spectacular. With a real, surprising, and stark reading of the truth. Seductive from start to finish, but on every page wins the reader. Thank you Ana Daitán, very good job.
I follow you and will read your titles!!! Love it.
Review of Volume II:
Exciting reading and social critique, I can’t put it down!!!!
There is a great narrative behind every page, amazing from the start.
With a great understanding of complex situations, you won’t be able to stop reading. This author has a promising future, ingenious and inexhaustible!!!
Review of Volume II:
Addictive.
What a great surprise! From the first page to the middle (where I’m going now), I read it voraciously. Beautifully written, hooks you from the first word. I wanted to finish it to write this review, but I couldn’t wait. I will update it when I finish it. I recommend it for literature lovers because reading it is a guarantee of pleasure.
Review of Volume I:
It is exciting, engaging, surprising.
A story that has kept me hooked from the beginning, lots of emotions. I liked how the protagonist overcomes her problems, not giving up in the face of adversity. A long book, but quick reading.
The history deserves to be told openly, telling the reality.
A reading that surprises. One of those stories that leave a mark. I am looking forward to read volume II. A story that everyone should read.
I loved discovering the author and the novel, which has left me with emotions running high. Without a doubt, I recommend it.
Review of Volume II:
Social Criticism. It will not leave you indifferent.
After reading the first part, I was eager to read the second and it has surprised me. From the beginning, it has kept me hooked.
In this second part we will know more about the lives of Yin and Roni, then we will return to the present with conspiracies. An intense read that I recommend whose message leaves a mark and will captivate your emotions.
Review of Volume I:
Awesome.
This story is divided into two volumes. And I have to say that I totally went out of my comfort zone with this reading and the writer knows it.
It is a book with a brutal research work; it tells us part of the history of the world and I found it impressive.
The story is divided into two parts, and with two different protagonists. The story begins with Ananké and later we will know the story of Julia.
We have everything in the story: love, mystery... hard scenes, many different places. How its protagonists in different times must fight for their lives and those of their loved ones. It has kept me in suspense throughout the reading because our protagonist Ananké is kidnapped, locked up somewhere, and she tells us her life from some diaries that she has been forced to write to remember something they want from her... And what a life she has led!!
I was very impressed by the whole topic of the dark side of the internet, and the experiments with medicine.
Without a doubt, I have to read volume 2. But I will do it later because the story is very intense and, as you know, I am a light romantic reader. But I need to know the outcome of everything, what happened with her daughter and many other things.
Review of Volume II:
A Great Ending.
A fantastic novel. A fascinating story born from the wonderful pen of Ana that, in its over 500 pages, will take us through the eyes of Roni, Yin and Ananké to live a thrilling adventure. With intrigue, science fiction, villains, love and passion, and where quite delicate issues are dealt with.
Ananké, our protagonist, seems to me to be an amazing woman, impulsive, brave, and unwavering in her determination to get what she wants and to fight for those she loves.
Roni, the Hindu who tells us about his hard life in India until he meets Amanda Newman, is a man who will not hesitate to risk everything for what he believes is right.
And then there is the third vertex of this triangle: Yin, a Korean doctor, gifted, and with a past that you have to read because it will not leave you indifferent.
An end outside the politically correct, an epilogue that gives rise to more stories, a reading guide, and a writer with a vision of the future that will surprise you, make this novel a unique experience.
I leave you with one of the phrases that I liked the most:
The past cannot harm you, only wallowing in your miseries will do it.
* * *
And I leave for the end a very special review of the two volumes of The Ravens Bridge, for all that this person means to me:
María Jesús del Pilar Márquez, Magistrate of the Trade Court No.1 of Malaga:
Only those who have suffered can love, live, kiss, feel in such a different way... as if they undress your soul with every gesture. Ana, my unconditional friend, confidant at 4 o’clock in the afternoon (many afternoons, months, years...), tireless fighter...
You, Ana, aristocrat of sensitivity, you write in that unique way... From the first essays, I knew that this moment would come. Now seeing your two novels, “The Ravens Bridge,” I get excited, my feelings overwhelm me...
Congratulations for an excellent work, for an impeccable story, and for a masterful description of the human condition. Thank you for inspiring me and encouraging me to keep fighting for my dreams.
To you, reader, because with your purchase you help the Solidarity Project, which is divided into two parts:
The first part is that I will donate 10% of the proceeds from Volumes I and II of The Ravens Bridge in digital format and Volume I in paper format to childhood cancer research.
The second part of this project is the realization of a dream: to dedicate 10% of the proceeds from the sale of Volume II of The Ravens Bridge in paper format to a future solidarity project, either in the form of an NGO (it would be an NGO as out of the ordinary as this author) or through whatever means are most workable when the time comes, to help the people of my country, Spain, who suffer from the successive economic crises resulting from the COVID-19 and the corruption of our government.
I will also donate 10% of the proceeds from "The Ravens Bridge. Collection" and "The Ravens Bridge. Box Set" to both projects mentioned above.
One thing is for sure: whether in the form of an NGO or in the way that the fates will tell me, I will help in the best way I can. Because I have always had the following philosophy: “If God closes one door, he opens a thousand new ones.”
I also have to thank my dear friend Isaac Asarrat who, despite the time that has passed, is faithful and keeps in his store the advertising poster for the Spanish version of The Ravens Bridge. In his store Esther Liat (Marmoles Street No. 37 in Malaga) you can find everything: from clothes for you and your home to a lost hope...
Each track or music video that you will find as part of the soundtrack of The Ravens Bridge tries to reflect a mood of the characters or a situation. Each song has its own meaning, which I leave to your imagination.
In one of those music videos, you can hear me sing in Spanish a song whose lyrics I created for the troubled times we have all lived through because of the “bugs.”
You decide when to listen to the music tracks or videos: whether when they appear or when you finish reading this novel.
In the digital book the texts that correspond to links that will take you to the music track or video will be shown preceded by an asterisk (*) and a superscript (1) whose number shows the position of the track or video on the web to which it will direct you.
For example: *1and deny realities.
Those features will be maintained visually in the paper book to show you where in the novel there is a music track.
Remember that footnotes (in this novel there is only one) lack an asterisk.
ATTENTION! You can contact me in the way I show on my website for everything related to that soundtrack.
In the paper book, the above links do not appear. But you can enjoy the soundtrack of the novel by scanning with your cell phone the following QR code that will take you to the page of my website where it is located:
To read the first Spanish grip-lit and the most controversial?
The novel you will read below has an “atypical” and surprising protagonist, different from anything you have read so far: Ananké. Although there are actually five souls that make up this adventure. Well..., five souls and a snake:
In ancient Greece, “the goddess of strength and destiny” was known by one name: Ananké. If Selena had known that Ananké also meant “the basic essence of pain” perhaps she would not have baptized her great-granddaughter with such a name...
Her life is a constant struggle: first against society and then against the “monsters” that inhabit it. Her motto is: “If society doesn’t make a place for you, create one for yourself.”
The disappearance of her daughter marks a before and after in the protagonist, making us see that cowardice and bravery, desire and madness... cross the same line.
“Neither God nor the Devil can resist his charm.” Perhaps that is why good and evil in him shake hands.
Anyone with a past like his, would be shattered or perhaps insane... but he is beyond all imaginable calculation. He unsettles the heroine and transforms her completely.
A strange character, with a mysterious past, who can decipher you in a single second with a glance at your shoes.
Ananké compares him to the Cheshire cat from “Alice in Wonderland.” He is the “Tin God” who pulls the strings of the destiny of our special protagonist.
If you want to know her relationship with Ananké... you will have to read her diary.
A diary that hides the clues to solve the mysteries of this story.
A woman with an interesting and dramatic past. Who has lived practically all the tragedy of the Second World War in her own flesh. With an incredible spirit of overcoming and willpower. But with a heart that made her choose the wrong love.
Albert Einstein said of him in the novel that “the gods had chosen him to become one of the most brilliant doctors of our time.”
Julia describes him as a man “capable of seducing with his mere presence, with an intelligence and charisma... that attracted like siren songs.”
A genius, a devil or a sadist in love? Let the reader judge for himself.
“Evil always disguises itself as attractive beauty.”
If Paradise had a snake... For sure, it would be Adam Wolf. The perfect psychopath for this “new age.”
* * *
From the hand of these characters we travel through several decades, scenarios, and countries. In a perfect cocktail of social, romantic, and historical novel combined with intrigue, mystery, action, adventure, thriller, and science fiction.
A mixture of souls that gives rise to a “different” story, full of feelings and emotions, whose twists and turns show us that the complex can be really easy...
Warning: once you read the first page... YOU WILL BE ADDICTED.
A mother, prisoner of words, who would do anything to find her daughter...
A journalist, prisoner of his heart, who would do anything for justice...
A Tin God, prisoner of his revenge, who wishes he had done nothing...
And a past that should never have been forgotten.
When the strongest enemies are not men, but words... Can there be a winner?
“You have three months to remember. At the end of the year... you will be dead.”
Memories... In those moments, I had too many. But I am sure that none of them was the one they were looking for.
Never had I imagined that defeats would taste like ink.
I had already used up the notebooks that, weeks before, they had given me to write in. And utilized, in vain, all the pens and pencils... to attack my captors.
The nights were the worst: whispers of the past entered my mind. The sleep fled from me. My soul, for years, had been trapped in an eternal awakening.
Near the end, all the experiences exploded in my mind. I barely maintained the balance between madness and reality.
I used the lines written in my notebooks as an anchor. So I decided to read my own story:
I don’t know how to start this notebook. It’s something I have to use to “remember” what they want, but I have no idea the “what”.
So, sitting on the floor and with a broken rib, I have decided to stop lamenting and write. Even if it is more to keep from going crazy than to please my tormentors.
My name is Ananké and, for a long time, for some, I “couldn’t speak.” It’s not that I couldn’t or didn’t know, it’s that words feared me. This was what many in my environment thought of me and people like me, so I ended up believing it. Unfortunately, one tends to believe more the negative things that others think, although they can't make feet nor tail, than the positive.
I have dysphemia, or what everyone knows as stuttering.
Something that marked my childhood, my youth, and a good part of my adulthood. I don’t know why I am like this.
Only I know that this disorder (which is not a disease) did not prevent me from being calm and developing as a person. The obstacles were placed (I don’t know why) by the society around me.
Until a few years ago, I could not even apply for the Spanish public employment examinations. There was a clause that prevented stutterers from having access to public employment.
Fortunately, this clause was repealed in 2005 thanks to the tireless struggle of all of us who suffered from this problem. What a pity that progress came so late!
My childhood was reduced to a single word: hate. I hated my voice, the voice of others, and even the very air I breathed. The world, at my young age of six, had me tired. More than once I made a bundle with my dolls and my favorite teddy bear to run away from home in search of a better place... Attempts that came to nothing because my mother always prevented it.
At such a young age and I was already a rebel, a nonconformist, a foul-mouthed, a capricious... and I don’t know how many other things. My mother was so quick to say “her compliments” that I forgot quite a few of them.
If instead of talking so much she had just tried to listen to me (even if she wasted some of her valuable time waiting for me to finish my sentences), maybe there would be no reason to get so angry nor that I was a Houdini wannabe.
But rarely dreams come true...
I always felt like I didn’t fit in: neither with my mother nor with the rest of the world.
To my mother I was just a burden and to the rest of the world I was a joke subject only for my way of speaking.
The good thing is that I realized it when I was just a child, that gave me time to get used to it... and to learn to dissimulate when someone hurt my soul.
My mother always told me that I had come into this world to hinder her life and that she would have been better off alone. And, although she blamed my existence for everything that went wrong in her life..., I understood her. Some people feel better looking for culprits.
My mother’s life, being a single mother with hardly any studies, was not easy. So I was grateful to her for taking care of me and providing a roof over my head. The hugs and affection were overrated. I realized you can live without them.
* * *
I come from a family of single mothers. Who originated the stigma, or family custom, would be my great-grandmother Selena Goikoechea. A woman almost unknown to me, but without whom both my mother and I would have fallen into a pit.
My grandmother, Raimunda Goikoechea, had my mother when she was barely fifteen years old. Then she left and placed my mother’s upbringing in the hands of my great-grandmother. Who raised her as best she could.
But my mother never appreciated my great-grandmother’s efforts and decided to waste her studies to experience life too soon... with very bad results. At least she had me in her twenties.
My birth coincided with my grandmother’s death in a car accident. Her addiction to alcohol and drugs would mark her too early.
I was always afraid to follow my mother’s and grandmother’s paths, to be a physical copy of both of them... it scared me. So I tried to differentiate myself from them, from minute one, avoiding to make the same mistakes.
My main objective would be never to abandon my studies. So I got to like studying; unlike my mother, who did not even take them up again to improve her life.
During a good part of my childhood, I had hardly any relationship with my great-grandmother. Not because she had forgotten about us, but because my mother kept her distance.
She got mad every time great-grandmother Selena came from Malaga to San Sebastian to visit us and also when she phoned. So the poor thing reduced her contact to a minimum to not “bother” her granddaughter. The great-grandmother was only welcome when my mother took money from her.
But at ten, given the economic difficulties we had in San Sebastian and the high cost of living there, we moved to Malaga to live at the great-grandmother’s house. Meeting and getting close to Selena would be the best thing that would happen in my life.
We lived with my great-grandmother for years. Because my mother, given her little education, only got precarious jobs that did not allow her to pay rent and take care of the needs of her small family.
I was happy with this situation. With my great-grandmother, I did not stay home alone anymore. I had, for the first time, someone that looked after me and who really cared about me. The strange thing was that I didn’t know how to react to the affection. I was not used to it.
I also realized why my mother stayed away for so many years from Selena: no one likes to listen to the voice of their conscience.
I didn’t understand how my mother and great-grandmother could be so different: night and day, stupidity and culture, rudeness and sensitivity.
With Selena I had the small hope that my destiny could be changed. Although physically we looked nothing alike, our souls fit to perfection.
The first time I saw the great-grandmother in San Sebastian, when she finally decided to visit us, I noticed she did not fit the character and way of being of my mother and the rest of the people I knew. She was too open, spontaneous, trusting, and funny. Humor and joy were always present in her.
Nothing was silent. She would open her heart to you in a second and told anyone about her life as if she had known them all her life, even if they had met only recently.
It is not that people from San Sebastian were serious, but they were, as a rule, much more reserved, discreet, and introverted, with a “calm” sense of humor.
When we moved to Malaga with Selena, I knew the reason why she was like that: having been raised since she was born in this city made her more Andalusian than Basque.
I never knew why, in the end, she ended up making her life in San Sebastian, you could tell she loved Malaga. City to which she returned when retired and closed her small haberdashery.
When I arrived in Malaga, I have to admit that it was as if I had arrived on another planet. It was too different from my homeland. I missed my Concha beach and my old neighborhood, as well as the tranquility that I breathed there.
Malaga had a characteristic: noise.
Either by traffic, by people talking loudly, by the works (always, even nowadays, they are building and undoing something again)... It took some getting used to.
The best thing was the weather, except for July and August when the heat stuck to your skin.
The people were much more open than in San Sebastian and... much more hurtful to stutterers. I should have known that in Andalusia (the land of jokes and of not having any reservations) any joke can hurt twice. Precisely because there is great wit.
And again, I had to get used to it. The truth is that the words “get used to” (and all their variants) had me fed up, since they haunted me. Why was I the one who always had to get used to everything?
But there is one thing that would never change. Neither in San Sebastian nor in Malaga: my nausea in the morning before going to school and my anguish at the thought they would make me read.
I even got tongue-tied about my own name, what I would have given to be called simply Ana!
The laughter of some teachers and children was a humiliation that, during my childhood and adolescence, would remain fixed.
Even though I knew the lesson, for a long time I kept my mouth shut to avoid they made fun of me if I spoke up. This made me cry with rage at home.
I couldn’t even ask for a Coke in a bar or in a store. Everyone stared at me and some people laughed. So when my great-grandmother sent me on errands, it was a torture.
Equally torturous was sharing the elevator with the neighbors and having to talk to greet them. So I ended up avoiding contact as well.
I couldn’t understand why everyone helped a blind person or someone in a wheelchair, while most people made it difficult for me and others like me and humiliated us with mockery. I really didn’t understand it.
So I ended up practically marginalized in school and self-marginalized outside of it. Although I have to admit that I found people, especially young teachers and some neighbors and schoolmates with the soul of Saint Therese, who offered to help me.
What they didn’t know is that the result was much worse. Because, by ignorance, they told me certain things that only got me more nervous and tense instead of relaxed. These were some of them:
“Breathe.” I breathed. If I had stopped breathing, they would have noticed... I would have turned blue by now.
“Calm down.” When I was talking, of course I was calm... I just stuttered!
And also: “start again,” “if you really want, you can speak better,” “speak slower, don’t stutter like that,” “before you start speaking, think what you want to say” (I already knew what I wanted to say)...
But what annoyed me the most was that they finished my sentences before me. Because, most of the time, I wasn’t even going to say what they had already said for me!
If the above was bad, the fact that I was talking to someone and the other person averted his gaze from my face was much worse. I never knew if he really heard me.
And every time I finished speaking and heard phrases like “you did well” or “congratulations, you’re speaking much better,” I felt like every sentence I said was a test by which I was being evaluated.
What hurt me the most was my mother always blamed me for stuttering. She didn’t understand why sometimes I stuttered and sometimes I didn’t. I didn’t understand it either! So for a long time, she thought I did it on purpose.
Only later did I understand stutterers are like the Guadalmedina river in Malaga: the stuttering is sometimes there and others not. It depends on the people we are with, the situations and the stress we feel at that moment.
There are stutterers who stutter in different ways. Some repeat syllables, others lengthen sounds or have blocks while speaking. I hit the jackpot in the lottery because I had the three things.
And no one thought I was a real stutterer, just a “very nervous girl who wanted to attract attention.” In the 1980s, being a stutterer and getting help with the problem was really complicated.
I was born on March 25, 1980. And from the beginning, it was clear that my path would not be “easy.” I had a series of neurological problems that caused me to be slower than the rest of the children. And I started to speak later, when I was almost four years old.
But at the beginning, I didn’t stutter. I only did it at six. At that age, the world crashed down on me and I knew how cruel it could be.
When my stuttering became stronger, my mother decided to take me to the pediatrician. This one told her that it was just kid stuff and it would disappear.
At the age of seven, it did not go away, so my mother decided not to wait any longer and took me to a second pediatrician. He decided to send me to the mental health area of the hospital.
The psychiatrist treated me, given my young age, with a “mild” version of tranquilizers. Because he said it would be “a nervous problem.”
Apart from being “enormously calm,” my stuttering was still there. In response, my mother and I went to a third pediatrician, who took me off the tranquilizers... And sent me to the otolaryngologist. Who told her to take me to the speech therapist (this when I was already about nine years old).
At that time, there was an almost generalized lack of knowledge about stuttering. Added to the fact that the attention given to the stuttering by the public health system was (and still is) totally pitiful.
Stuttering was not (and is not) included in the health portfolio of the National Health Service. So the sessions with the speech therapist were few and insufficient. If my mother wanted to treat my stuttering, she had to go to private speech therapists. This was very expensive and impossible to maintain.
My sessions with the speech therapist, both public and private, were a total failure. Since none of them had studied stuttering well and treated it from the wrong approach. I needed a good psychologist-logopedist, something that hardly existed at that time.
There were no education programs for teachers and health professionals (today there aren’t any yet). Nor was there a protocol for early detection of stuttering. Oddly enough, we were invisible. And, today, that situation has hardly changed.
I, for my part, as a child, finally resigned myself.
The one who never resigned herself to the fact that I was a coward and didn’t want me to bow my head, as if being a stutterer were a sin, was my great-grandmother Selena. At first, she just watched for a while as my mother and I faced my problem and my new life in Malaga. Until finally decided that “she was sick of all this nonsense.”
And before I knew it, my great-grandmother became my teacher and I her disciple. Without her, I would never have changed anything in my life.
All that started when she became tired that, being under her own roof, I communicated with her with phrases in a small notebook and not with my own voice:
“Can I know since when I have a mute great-granddaughter? If you have a voice, why don’t you talk to me instead of writing to me?”
“I-I’m ashamed.”
“There are many things in this life for which a human being should be ashamed, but the way one speaks is not one of them.”
“It’s n-not t-true.”
“And why isn’t true?”
“B-Because I-I’m not normal. A blind or a cripple or a mute person is normal. I’m not!!”
“Why do you think that?”
“B-Because they look at me and make fun of me. They bully me, not the others. It’s n-not life.”
“So it’s easier for you to hide in the silence... That, honey, is not life either.”
“At least I c-can’t hear myself.”
“You have a beautiful voice. There’s nothing abnormal about you. Only have two flaws: you’re a coward and you’ve lost your self-esteem.”
“Wh-What?”
“You’re the easy joke because you don’t know how to defend who you are, you embarrass yourself in front of people. Going through life with a blindfold on. Allowing yourself to be guided and believing that what others think is the reality, forgetting you have to fight.
“You think because of the jokes that you are inferior. When in reality you have the same worth as anyone else. It just takes you a little bit longer to say the same thing as another.
“You feel pressured and useless when, speaking as well as you can, people try to make you do it even better with phrases like ‘say it all over again until you get it right.’ But you don’t want to realize that if you don’t tell people how you feel, how they are making you feel and what you would like them to do and what not, they will hardly understand you and be able to help you, always falling into the same hole.
“I also know that when you pick up a book to read aloud your first thought is ‘I will not stutter’ and then, when you stutter despite everything, you get angry with yourself... despising you. You are unaware that the only way to succeed in life is to ignore your stuttering, not make it the center of your life.
“But what makes me feel most sorry is when I realize that many times you think that, perhaps, it’s not so good to be alive ...”
“H-How do you know all that?”
“It’s very easy to watch you and read you as myself. Besides, I’ve many years.”
“W-What do I do?”
“A good friend named Albert once told me: ‘Learn from yesterday, live for today and have hope for tomorrow.’
“Over the years, I ended up listening to him and learned that I shouldn’t be someone I wasn’t in order to fit in with others.
“There will be many aspects of your life that you can’t change, so accept them and stop worrying about it.
“What nothing and no one can take away from us is our attitude. Don’t wait for society to change. If society doesn’t make a room for you, make it for yourself.”
* * *
I didn’t know how to react to my great-grandmother’s truths. From that moment on, with her actions, Selena prevented me from thinking too much about the things that made me feel bad. Freeing me, little by little, from the burden of my fears.
Thanks to her, I managed to develop strategies to make my speech more fluent, whether it was speaking quieter, faster, singing... Even holding a pencil in my mouth to exercise my face muscles. Trying to speak slower and pronounce better.
In addition to doing diaphragmatic breathings to increase the lung capacity.
All these methods helped me for a while, but soon I went back to my stuttering. I stopped singing because of my mother’s complaints. She said that I sang “like a cat being run over.”
With my great-grandmother, I learned to develop my own techniques to get by. So when I see that I’m about to stutter with a word, I trick the brain by substituting it with another. Like, for example, saying “the day after Tuesday” instead of “Wednesday.” It sounds silly, but I get away with this.
Only people’s names can’t be substituted with other words and are a nightmare. So I’d often rather be labeled as forgetful than have to say them.
But what she really taught me was not to get nervous nor to block because of my stuttering when it was time to say the lesson. Gaining great confidence.
Her patience with me was infinite. She listened to me attentively and waited for me to finish my sentences. With no pressure. Keeping her eye contact. Transmitting to me an amazing tranquility I had never experienced before.
It is true that sometimes I cheated her by learning by heart what I was going to read to avoid making a mistake. But my great-grandmother was smart and caught me.
I was no longer suffocated or nervous when I had to talk. Neither avoided the neighbors in the elevator nor the contact with others.
I don’t know how she had done it, but Selena had gotten the feelings of inferiority and insecurity that had been with me since I was a little girl to disappear from my life.
So when I went to school I wanted the teacher to ask me questions so that I could talk. But, since the teacher had perceived for months how uncomfortable I felt when it was my turn to speak or read in class, she ended up having the habit of making everyone talk except me. And that made me angry.
But I couldn’t complain. I had brought it on myself for allowing fear to dominate me for so long.
I told Selena what was happening to me at school, and then she decided that she and I should talk to the teacher.
Once the teacher learned of all my advances, or rather, my lack of complexes, she agreed with us to give me the opportunity to speak in class whenever I wanted and that no one would bother me about my stuttering. And so it was.
It is true that there were still children who bullied me, in the playground during recess and when the teacher was not there. But I had managed not to care, standing up to them.
But I committed the imprudence of telling it to my great-grandmother.
Who, although she praised the fact that I had finally learned to defend myself, decided to reinforce things by talking to those children herself...
After my great-grandmother’s talk, not only was there no more bullying of any kind, but they avoided me. My great-grandmother had earned their respect. She was one of those people who, regardless of her age, shut you up with a single glance.
Thanks to her, I had also achieved something else: to make friends. By not allowing that the complexes about my stuttering turned me into an antisocial person, I got, at last, to have a life.
Although it is true that the mockery and obstacles would always be in my life, the difference was that I would no longer allow them to bring me down. Never again (at least I thought).
But if I actually became a normal child who related and sought friendship with others, it was because my great-grandmother taught me, from the moment I fell into her arms, what affection was; correcting my character in time.
I understood that if I had any defect, it was not being a stutterer but not knowing how to relate given the absence of love in my life. My mother gave me the necessary material things to live, but she did not give me the only thing that would allow a little girl to survive as a person.
* * *
Selena was glad because I lived my childhood at last and decided to move on. So, at eleven, she decided it was time for me to go a little further by teaching me English.
My grand-grandmother said to me: “Next year you will have to choose a language for the first time in school. So it’s time for you to practice.”
She didn’t want to listen to me when I told her that if it was hard enough for me to speak Spanish... how could I speak English? Bilingual stutterer? That was weird.
It comforted me that the exams in school (and, in the future, in high school and SAT) would be written and not oral. So I would have a chance.
But not content with the fact that I knew how to write in that language, she forced me to speak it. Selena told me: “Get ready because, before going to the University, I want to see you get your Superior Degree in English.”
And with no objection on my part, I went to the Official Language School. Of course, I failed the oral exams. But, given my great-grandmother’s stubbornness and my own desperation to get rid of her insistence, I ended up passing the English oral exams at that school (at the cost of repeating some courses).
Good thing that in school (and later in high school) I didn’t have to repeat because of the goddamn English. I always got very good marks.
What I didn’t understand was how my great-grandmother could speak English so well. To the point that she sounded like an Englishwoman speaking.
* * *
In spite of everything, the years went by without major complications. Until my adolescence arrived and I turned thirteen. I did not recognize myself. My body rebelled and was no longer that of a girl, but of a woman. I looked like a giraffe with my 5 feet 6 inches tall... But what annoyed me most were my breasts...
Why had God suddenly played the joke on me of turning me into one of the female protagonists of the series “Baywatch”? I was a child, for God’s sake! I hated that body!
So, after so much time gaining confidence in myself, my own body, again, made me insecure and shy. And if I hated my voice before because of my stuttering, at fourteen, life made me hate my body and being born a woman with all my soul.
At that age, I knew that there were more things in life to worry about than a simple stuttering. I understood it was nothing. I realized this when I learned the truth: God didn’t like me. How did I come to that conclusion? After a birthday celebration that I should never have attended.
My friend Raquel turned fourteen a month after my birthday. Instead of celebrating the birthday at her house, we decided to meet all together, with our parents’ consent, at a hamburger restaurant. And we had a wonderful time.
What I never imagined was that Raquel, in one of the bags she was carrying, had brought beers, rum and whiskey.
She said it was time we tried something “different.” Which we did after leaving the Hamburger. Attending what would be the first and last mini “drinking party” of my life.
I wasn’t used to drink. So I felt really bad. But in order not to be labeled as the “weird one” of the group, I decided to drink like them. I was grateful enough that they accepted me despite my stuttering.
But many times the jokes they made about my defect were so hurtful, even though my friends always said that everything was “without bad intentions,” that they made me doubt the meaning of the word “friendship.”
That day, almost all of us ended up drunk. And we knew for sure that it would be the last time our parents would allow us to go out together after they saw us in such a state.
I was in the worst condition among the five of us, barely able to take two steps because I felt too dizzy. So the birthday girl told me that I should rest a bit at her house before going to mine, which was quite far away. Raquel’s house was close by and her parents were not there because they always came home late from work. I thanked her enormously.
What I didn’t know was that his brother Andrés was there. A twenty-three-year-old boy, teacher training student, who was doing his university internships at our school.
All my classmates were “crazy” for him because he was really handsome, kind, and nice, besides being known for having a rock band with which Andrés performed in small venues... So it was no wonder why the girls admired him so much.
I, despite my age, wasn’t interested in any boy. And didn’t have those crushes that my classmates had on artists or pretty boys. This made me even stranger. But I couldn’t help it: I still felt more like a kid than a woman.
When her brother saw us, he scolded us a bit. It made me feel bad. But, even so, he didn’t torment us or make a fuss, as our parents surely would have done.
So Raquel went upstairs to her room to sleep it off. And I involuntarily fell asleep on the couch of her living room, since my body didn’t allow me to take even one more step.
The last thing I heard from her brother, before sleep took over me, was that he would take me home when I felt better. That made me even more ashamed of the pitiful image I was giving of myself.
* * *
I don’t know if a long or short time passed, but there was something that disturbed my body and suddenly woke me up: I felt like I was being crushed and touched.
When I opened my eyes... Andrés covered my mouth with his hand.
I saw I had my blouse unbuttoned and my bra pulled up, my breasts exposed, my panties down, my skirt hiked up, and that man on top of me.
Before Andrés removed his hand from my mouth, he sat up straddling me, and took a butterfly knife out of his shirt pocket.
I could see that the shirt was all he was wearing. Since from the waist down he was naked, with his fully erect penis, covered by a condom.