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- Herausgeber: Fitzcarraldo Editions
- Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019
Ash before Oak is a novel in the form of a fictional journal written by a solitary man on a secluded Somerset estate. Ostensibly a nature diary, chronicling the narrator's interest in the local flora and fauna and the passing of the seasons, Ash before Oak is also the story of a breakdown told slantwise, and of the narrator's subsequent recovery through his reengagement with the world around him. Written in prose that is as precise as it is beautiful, winner of the 2018 Fitzcarraldo Editions Novel Prize, Jeremy Cooper's first novel in over a decade is a stunning investigation of the fragility, beauty and strangeness of life.
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ASH BEFORE OAK
JEREMY COOPER
Contents
24 December
Today I did a beautiful thing: built a rose arch from timber I had first felled and trimmed. My work is not in itself beautiful, but the act of doing it was, the replacement of a fallen frame, an old rose set to prosper.
In the afternoon I cleared the garden path inside the wall to the lane, so overgrown that few signs remained of it having been a way to walk. The revelation of distant lives, the uncovering of previous care for this place by people past, brings me satisfaction. And meaning. Yesterday I dug down below the bottom garden gate to unveil a grey-stone step. Earlier lives are exposed also in renovation of the building. In construction of the new chimney in what has been a barn for a hundred years or more, I found in the wall the contours of an old hearth, confirming the belief that my to-be-home was once part of a row of four farm worker’s cottages.
Tomorrow is Christmas Day. I am happy to be living here.
29 December
It snowed again last night. Like yesterday, external silence a prize. At 8.15 a.m., while I was out watching the colour of the sky change with the sunrise above the curve of Cothelstone Hill, the post van drove up the lane, and from my box on the wall I picked up a single welcome envelope. After breakfast I took good feelings up by the cascade to a hidden combe and on into the woods. Many sights: a swathe of green watercress where a stream spreads out to pass through a meadow, kept free from ice by birds. Elsewhere, tracks in the snow of pheasant and fox and rabbit and badger and deer and stoat and vole.
Back home, I identified the footfalls of these different animals in a book given to me thirty years ago by a family friend who used to live down here near Taunton. He was kind to me as a boy – the fact that he knew and loved the Quantock Hills and brought me years ago to this land for a mid-summer walk lends to my choice of settling now at Lower Terhill a sense of balance.
I hope this is real feeling, not sentimentality – a fabrication.
1 January
Hope.
And fear.
Together.
30 March
It is March, almost April, and I return to these notes. Work on the adjacent derelict half of my cottage moves ahead, with its solid new roof, window-frames fitted, traditionally done by my neighbour, a master builder.
Discover that burdock is the name of the cabbage-leaved plant I’ve been trying to eradicate from my wood. It’s a kind of thistle, producing burrs – a wild plant with a pedigree as space-filler in both old gardens and picturesque landscape paintings, common in the work of Claude Lorrain. At the annual fair in Queensferry, Edinburgh, the Burry Man covers himself from head to toe in burdock burrs and parades through the streets.
Maybe I’ll leave some plants after all.
Jeremy Deller and Alan Kane, artists I admire, illustrate burry men in their book Folk Archive and state in the introduction: ‘As artists we engage in an optimistic journey of personal discovery (albeit often very close to home).’
16 April
On my first-thing-in-the-morning stroll along the paths through my glades, today I heard, then saw, a lesser spotted woodpecker, upside down near the base of the trunk of the big pine. When it flew away I went over to inspect the spot, and found a hazelnut wedged in a crevice of the trunk. Imagine it will return later to finish off the task of cracking open the shell. I’ve never seen this bird before, smaller than a thrush, with powerful movements of the head.
A beautifully clear windless sunset, heralding summer, and I walked down to see if the hazelnut was still lodged in the bark. It had disappeared. I couldn’t see the broken shell on the ground, so perhaps it was forgotten by the woodpecker and instead found by a squirrel. The bird may on reflection have been a nuthatch, smaller, greyer – lesser spotted woodpeckers are a rarity round here.
Reciting the names of birds and plants is such a British thing to do.
Irritated by my grip on convention.
Only just started this nature-naming business, after thirty years in London, and already tempted to stop.
6 May
Another fine morning. Wonderful the way seasonal change in the fall of light alters the look of familiar paths. Today, on my pre-breakfast inspection, I found myself cutting down, uprooting where I could, vagrant sycamore in the lane – quick-growing trees which push out brash big leaves across the shoots of spindle, hawthorn and the dozens of other plants of an ancient dry-stone bank. This place bears the marks everywhere of hundreds of years of occupation.
As a boy, in the autumn I loved to play with the helicopter seeds of sycamore, unaware of their invasive virulence.
And damning streams, another boyhood passion. There was once a narrow stream here between lane and hedge.
13 May
It is an ordinary robin, I this evening identified, which sings each evening on the same high branch of the black Italian poplar beside the kennels.
Accept the solitude, I tell myself, if that’s how things currently must be. It’s enough this moment to enjoy the sight of the candle-like blooms on the weeping bird cherry tree, released this year by my cuttings and clearings to flourish near the bench. The lowest branch of the Monterey pine is precisely horizontal, the trunk vertical, picture-framing the bench which I’ve had made in hardwood slats, held by a pair of cast-iron ends bought some time ago at the salvage company in Shoreditch, my neighbours then. The trunk of this giant tree is maybe eight foot in diameter at its base, the bark rust-red, fissured, soft.
It doesn’t matter what it’s called.
Isn’t Monterey in America?
I’m perpetually confused these days, when, for dozens of years, I used to be so self-assured.
16 May
There was a handsome young Song Thrush feeding in my garden, diving down from its hiding place in the branches of the Ash to dig for Worms in the lawn, cocking its head to listen. I like the low swoop of its flight between the trees.
I begin to recognize the pairs of individual birds who live here with me at Lower Terhill.
Ash, Song Thrush, written with capital letters at the beginnings of the words – like Richard, or Sarah Jane, the trees and birds are individuals, deserving of my respect, with as much right to be here as I have.
3 June
Watched numerous thrushes and blackbirds feed on the red-ploughed earth out in the park. Beyond the Monterey and bench my eye follows the line of the iron fence, over which it is effortless to step out and stroll. I regularly stand beside one of the big beeches towards the crest of the intermediate hill, from which the underwood has been cleared, and, as I gaze down at the bench, empty within the picture-frame, see an image of myself looking up at myself looking down on myself, in ceaseless solipsism.
Other things happen, other thoughts appear.
11 June
Trespassed again this afternoon onto the hilltops of the Quantocks, where public right of way is banned in precaution against the spread of foot-and-mouth. The absence of man-and-dog for many months means that the flora and fauna grow and breed undisturbed. Saw sixty of the eight hundred head of wild red deer in the Quantock-wide herd resting mid-afternoon in the middle of an open field, accustomed by now to tranquillity, unaware of my approach, their ears visible above the long grasses.
The rabbits, I notice, have eaten to the ground every stem of wild dill.
12 June
Took my book and binoculars out to the bench by the fence to the park. All the time I was there, at first staring out in dull nothingness, then reading, a buzzard was perched on the bare top branch of a douglas fir in the line of trees eighty yards away. It began to summer-rain and I returned to the cottage, to my desk, to these notes. The buzzard will by now also have moved, I imagine.
17 June
Noticed today that the last family pet given an inscribed headstone down beside the overgrown avenue was a spaniel called Scrap, buried in 1967, three years after Cothelstone House, the nearby Georgian mansion, was raised to the ground. Its dilapidated coach house alone remains to mark the grandeur of the past, its stonework and proportions more like Italy than England. The verse inscriptions on the graves attest to the companionship of dogs, ponies and horses, family rhymes, simple, sentimental. The Estate survives, considerably reduced, workable all the same by my landlord. I have lifetime tenure of this large cottage, attached to a small grain store, with an open byre across the yard, the stable-barn along the lane, and a double privy and the greyhound kennels in the garden. A tumble of debris today, the kennels were a luxury home a hundred years ago to the prize pack of hounds which hunted hares down on the flatlands of Taunton Vale.
Five months ago, Mother refused to let me go to Father’s funeral, for fear of what I might say about him to family friends.
2 July
Rich, heavy July.
The lawn a rash of white clover and daisy. Running riot at the margins the white bell-shaped flowers of bindweed and bursts of ground elder. Wild raspberry canes are in white flower to the height of my head … it’s endless, endless.
Richness reversed to internal desolation.
Found today on the lower path a chequered blue and black feather, from a visiting jay. Nice if the woodpecker would drop a green feather and the goldfinch a golden tail feather. Since leaving London to make this patch of the West Country my home, on my long walks of discovery I’ve collected feathers and bones to display in clear glass bowls and tumblers in my cottage, hidden round the bend of a beaten-earth lane.
This whole undertaking, the land clearance and house restoration, the expense of time and money on a property I do not own, is it imaginative or insane?
Why am I doing this?
10 July
Last night deer ate my roses, the leaves as well as the flowers.
Let them. They’re off now on the trail of some other delicacy.
I imagine an animal’s choice of place to forage is conditioned as much by memories of safety as by the quality and quantity of food. What kind of specific recall, I wonder, do deer have of where they last ate?
They mostly go, I suppose, to where they regularly feel secure.
I turned, not long after writing this, to my place in reading Natural Goodness, where the Oxford philosopher Philippa Foot offers an answer to my question, telling of the concerns of Thomas Aquinas for the nature of choice made by sheep in where to eat in a field: ‘Aquinas stresses that animals, having perception as plants do not, may do what they do for an apprehended end. Nevertheless he insists that in doing something for an end animals cannot comprehend it as an end … Without speech small children, like animals, are able to have ends but do not see them as ends. And the same point could be made in terms of what is seen to be good. For it can be said that while animals go for the good (thing) that they see, human beings go for what they see as good: food, for example, being the good thing that animals see and go for and that human beings are able to see as good.’
13 July
Walking along the mown path through the dell this morning, I thought about the damage gardeners do to natural life with their fetish for tidiness – all the cutting and strimming and mowing and poisoning, followed by replacement of existing beauty with crowded inappropriate planting. The narrow path in my wood, which looks like grass, isn’t: it’s the waist-high wilderness of wonderful everything that grows uncut at its side. Looking also at the shapes and colours of the lane, where I’ve done little more than dig out the nettles and brambles and cut down marauding infiltration by laurel and sycamore, I understand what anodyne destruction is wreaked by use of machines, the ubiquitous garden brush-cutter and highway tractor-trimmers. This summer I’ve done almost no work on the land, sat and watched nature take its way, confirmed my preference for the sound as well as the feel of doing whatever I have done by hand. It was only with the greatest reluctance that yesterday I mowed the lawn, wishing to prolong the parade of buttercups, daisies, plantain and clover.
The noise.
Such a horrid noise.
The whine and grind of rotating blades tearing at the grass.
Oliver Rackham writes, in his The History of the Countryside, a book of passionate opinion and the observations of a lifetime: ‘More intractable than destruction in pursuit of a purpose is the blight of tidiness which every year sweeps away something of beauty or meaning.’
I want to learn to live decently here.
14 July
Taking an impromptu break from work at my desk, I wandered down what used to be the back drive of Cothelstone House, and delighted in an ordinary sight: a blue butterfly in flight. By physically following the flight of this one butterfly, I was drawn back towards a patch of brambles already passed, and made suddenly aware of three others, a painted lady, a small tortoiseshell and a comma sunning themselves in close proximity, wings wide open.
Pleasure also at the flash of colours of the goldfinches in shuttle-flight between lane and apple tree, from where they drop down for a thistle-feast. Four now, the young of my pair already out and about on the wing.
Periodically throughout the summer, watching these sparkling birds, I’ve thought of a picture which I haven’t seen for many years, in the Mauritshuis in The Hague, the city in which I was married. The small oil painting on board is of a bird on a perch, by Carel Fabritius.
In truth I’m unsure what the bird’s colour is, fear that, in habitual enhancement of reality, I may in my mind have turned the painting of a greenfinch gold.
This evening, in a review in the Times Literary Supplement of an exhibition at the National Gallery, by chance I read that Fabritius did indeed paint a goldfinch. In Christian tradition, it was a goldfinch which pecked irritant thorns from the flesh of Jesus, nailed to die on the cross.
It might be working: this attempt at nature-cure.
19 July
Below the giant Monterey I today found an almost new golf ball. It’s the third time I’ve picked one up there, two white and a yellow, six miles from the nearest golf course. A bird – the cothelstone buzzards, or a loud crow? – presumably bears the prize away, belatedly to discover that a golf ball is useless.
Exhausting error.
I’m curious to know what mistaken instinct suggests to the bird some benefit to be gained by carrying off home a golf ball.
28 July
Hot and sunny early, and a speckled wood, the butterfly which looks its name, toasted itself in a patch of sunlight in the glade, on big leaves of cow parsley. When disturbed, it moved on to smaller leaves of … don’t know what it’s called. The butterfly flew up to fight off from its territory a rival male.
The talkative finches returned to the thistles. Amazing how fast and thick these grow in the rubble which infills a mini-pond that a previous tenant dug for the geese he used to keep. I have removed the debris in rebuilding the kennels with Beth Ferendene, a strong, slim young woman, born and brought up locally, who wants to learn traditional builder’s crafts to supplement her professional skills as a carpenter and carver. She seems to me to hold within her a sense of belonging to this land, along with my builder Frank Sayer, who, into his forties now, has never lived anywhere else but Lower Terhill.
It’s a butterfly day. Three minutes ago a small tortoiseshell flew into the house and past my desk, fluttering at the window to get out, the beat of its wings frantic against the glass. Very gently I enclosed the palm of my hand around the beautiful thing and lifted it to be released into the garden. The brush of its wings against my skin felt like … felt like?
Earlier I’d seen what I excitedly identified as an adonis blue feeding on horseshoe vetch in the patch of grass which used to be the front lawn of the big house – horseshoe vetch is a low-growing plant with pendulous yellow flower heads, the only thing adonis blue eat. I rang my landlord, Hugh Warmington, to share the news of this rare visitor, and he gave me the name of the officer in charge of Somerset Environment Records and, in time to save public idiocy, double-checking, I concluded that all I had seen was a common blue – which reinforces everything I already know if only I didn’t keep forgetting, that the miracle is the sight itself, however ‘common’.
Decided that if I’m to continue regularly taking these notes, I should do so in my actual state of no-knowledge, and seek to describe with the eye-of-ignorance what a small tortoiseshell (and a goldfinch, and a leaf of cow parsley, and an adonis blue, the horseshoe vetch, etc.) looks like, what it is that I see, feel, smell. The Millennium Atlas of Butterflies in Britain and Ireland says: ‘The Small Tortoiseshell is among the most well-known butterflies in Britain and Ireland. The striking and attractive patterning, and its appearance at almost any time of year in urban areas have made it a familiar species.’ Oh? Odd, that. When I saw ten days ago, on the wilting blossom of a bramble, turning towards becoming a blackberry (simply so: a black berry which forms as the petals fall from the head of a white hedgerow flower, tight and green to begin with, turning red, growing black and, in a good year, juicy), this creature with wings sloping backwards, like a fighter plane, the scalloped back-edges dabbed in turquoise, the rest, yes, the colour and pattern of a turtle’s shell, I didn’t remember ever having seen one before. Although I must have, I suppose, for the book’s dotted map of sightings charts its presence in every part of the entire British Isles, and it is more than likely that I’ve several times before been told, or read, its name.
29 July
The family of wrens busy on the ground at the base of the burdock scrambled away at my approach, the young just about taking to the air; except for one laggard which stood trembling at my feet, its mother twittering from behind the leaves of the lowest branch of a nearby tree.
There is a bird which plunges and sashays through the air catching flies, then perches on the ridge of the byre to bang the larger flies against the tiles till dead. After eating, it cleans its beak on a branch.
I fretted at the thwarted energy of a little red-brown butterfly, never stopping, the rapid beat of its wings taking it from leaf to leaf without finding the occasion to alight. ‘Stop, please rest, or you’ll die. Please, choose a place to be,’ I said, beneath my breath.
Later, again seated on my second bench, by the wall, reading Dying We Live. The Final Messages and Records of the German Resistance, I look up to see a young rabbit thirty feet away in the middle of the lawn, munching clover. Alfred Delp wrote, not long before he was beheaded by the Third Reich: ‘Alas, how limited the human heart is even in the capacities most characteristically its own – in hoping and believing. It needs help in order to find itself and not flutter away like some shy half-fledged birds that have fallen out of their nest.’
30 July
In the dry heat my vegetable patch riots. The endive reaches out longer and longer stalks with fewer and fewer leaves, then bursts into raggedy purple-blue flowers which attract small white butterflies. The sharp-tasting leaves of another salad, rocket, are also shooting up thin dark green stems, ending in four-petal flowers, cream in colour with mauve veins. The orangey-red flowers of runner beans, climbing now to the top of my coppiced hazel poles, look good against their green heart-shaped leaves. See that some have been eaten in places to skeletal webs, so thick were the eggs of the insects laid. The buzz of these insects everywhere. In the soft mornings bees progress in and out of the flowers of bindweed, enemy of the conventional gardener.
These insect lives interweave, touching humans only when we slow and quieten to inactivity. To purposelessness. Very difficult for me to do.
I have so much to learn. Not facts, not all these facts. Stickier things. Treacle. Quicksand. Bog.
31 July
Sitting in the sun, thinking about my sister in New Zealand whilst also looking, listening. It occurs to me how lucky I am that this garden, which has become mine, is mostly green and white. Another white torch-shaped flower has shown itself: the buddleia, following the massed candles earlier in the year of both the bird cherry down by the pine and the white lilac beside the front gate. The new flower of the buddleia has a heavy scent, the petals white, dark yellow heads and pink trumpet stems. I’m lucky because all three – also the valerian which sprouts from crevices in the wall at my back – more commonly come in dark, to-me-less-pleasing colours.
Wonder if a past head groom, whose tied cottage for generations this used to be, chose these flowers to be white?
Amongst the half-dozen ever-present darting white butterflies, a flash of yellow. Followed with my eye the brimstone’s flight, and when it landed on the runner beans I walked over, to find it perched on the end of a red flower, wings furled, light green on the underside, with two black beauty spots, veined like leaves, shaped on the curve perfectly to the point, and with long strong legs, sharply bent at the knees, yellow like its body. It walked from head to head of the bunched flowers, giving a couple of flaps of its wings, bright yellow on the upper side, to rise to the next bouquet.
My landlord tells me that the tree I’ve been calling bird cherry isn’t. He knows about trees, and yet has never been able to identify what this is.
‘Doesn’t matter. Must be rare. Lovely thing,’ he said. High up in the tallest ash the sound of a bird I can’t see, hidden in the leaves, making the same music as yesterday – a lilting trill, the notes quickening and rising always to the same conclusion. The song of this season. A mother’s relief at the release of her brood, in flight to find a territory of their own?
I wish I knew what this beautiful sound means to the birds, to those that sing and to those that listen, let out and taken in without a thought (as we think of it) and yet not, I like to believe, without meaning.
The misting rain of this morning sends up this afternoon, in the heat of full sun, rich scents from the foliage. Two more yellow butterflies have hatched. Like to believe that the over-wintered brimstone, the sight of which I remember being astonished by back in early March, may be the parent of these three seen today, and that, as larvae, they fed on one of the eaten leaves out there in the glade.
To associate myself with the fate of life around me, something I’ve never before done in all my fifty-five years, feels like a risk. A necessary risk.
Until now I’ve sought, and mostly achieved, control.
1 August
I do love to hear the call of the buzzard … keeuuu, keeuuu, keeuuu. It is, by now, the buzzard, a distinctively large bird which spends many hours of every day perched on and flying above the trees in the inner ring of my view. The cry plaintive, tension attenuated, refined, matched to the drawn-out spirals of its flight. Don’t know in which precise tree he lives (this particular voice is male, I reckon). Don’t need to know.
People live near here as well as birds. I just don’t speak to them much. Don’t have to. Don’t want to. Nobody seems to mind.
5 August
Early this evening I went out on impulse for a stroll and met, for the first time, one of the owls in my wood. All I saw was a broad brown back and flanged tail, silent in motion, disappearing within seconds of my appearance, gone to perch in the high branches of the biggest of the sweet chestnut trees, concealed from my view by layers of leaves.
6 August
As I walked to post a letter in the red box on the corner beyond Keepers Cottage, I saw a bird of prey on the top of a telegraph pole (which around here are not high, the straight-trunk size of a small pine). Recognized it as a hunting bird by its long built-for-flight tail, hooked flesh-tearing beak and air of elegant energy. One of the Quantock Rangers happened to pass in his jeep, frightening the bird before I’d had a chance properly to look. Must have been a sparrow hawk, he told me – not a merlin, as I’d romantically imagined, drawn to the name.
I’ve seen what must be the same bird fly ahead of my car along the lane, skimming from side to side low between the hedges, wholly in control. Like, and unlike, the jet fighters trespassing above the combes of the Quantocks.
7 August
Moles have again been active, retunnelling their crossing points of the path of brick and stones which I embedded in the earth along the track to the far bench. When the moles build their underground roads in unsightly relation to my own ways of passage I tend to stamp their roofs flat, hoping they will opt for an alternative route. The territory is fertile enough to satisfy the needs of all of us who live here. A process of practical negotiation occurs, the dialogue of interaction. No tedious committee meetings, no battering out of a mutually agreeable form of legal words. Live and let live.
Let go, let go.
Please.
10 August
With neat observations I make myself seem rational and urbane.
Far from true.
I’m vulnerable, sinking several times each day into sharp anxiety. Threatened by the tiny everyday.
Can’t begin to write what it actually feels like – even writing that I can’t do so is soberly expressed, declining the desperation that washes through me.
11 August
As I passed along the path by my cottage door this morning I caught the tail-end dash of a small brown mouse-like creature disappearing into the long grass. If I had seen it before it saw me I could have watched it for a second or two, before it made it to the cover of its hidden run at the base of the wall. On the other hand, I could have been looking in a different direction and seen nothing.
To see without looking.
My aim.
It seems true that if humans move not too fast or boisterously about the place, and stop still as soon as they see almost any animal, large or minuscule, the creature doesn’t flee. The other day, down on the fields above the cliffs, it was a hare. The hare doesn’t always perceive our stationary shape as dangerous. Maybe, in time, people who seek to live alongside the natural life of a particular piece of land acquire the habit of dressing in appropriate colours, absorb some of the non-human smell of the place.
Living things have their territory. Spiders have their territory. It is the same spider I always see in the corner of the room by the door, and a different spider which occupies the window space.
The three ant nests which I disturbed yesterday in cutting the lawn have not been abandoned. In the clover the ants had allowed eggs to be laid above ground level, where they were exposed by the arrival of my mower. The white eggs have been removed now from sight, taken back down into the earth through remade holes in the top of the nest, the tiny black ants busy again at their disciplined labour. The birds seem not to have noticed this larder door ajar for an hour or two. Maybe there’s plenty for them to eat elsewhere at this time of year.
Acceptance.
Nature accepts the way things happen.
12 August
As night falls down by the Monterey pine the bats fly. I’d forgotten this. They make sounds too. Bat sounds: high-pitched squealings.
15 August
Work on the house, though slow, is beautifully done. Three people work next door every day, as Frank and his labourer have been joined full-time by Beth Ferendene, who builds rough stone walls with lime mortar, lays reclamation floorboards, does whatever is required of her.
16 August
Though we may seldom see it, life is out there, busy, separate. I caught brief sight today of this other world, when, pulling bindweed from its hold on the long grass below one of the crab apple trees, I disturbed a field mouse, observed for the few seconds it took to cross a mown grass path. Saw it for long enough to recognize a cousin of the slightly darker brown mouse which has strayed into the house a couple of times.
