Bolt from the Blue E-Book

Jeremy Cooper

• Herausgeber: Fitzcarraldo Editions
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Beschreibung

In Bolt from the Blue, Jeremy Cooper, the winner of the 2018 Fitzcarraldo Editions Novel Prize, charts the relationship between a mother and daughter over the course of thirty-odd years. In October 1985, Lynn moves down to London to enrol at Saint Martin's School of Art, leaving her mother behind in a suburb of Birmingham. Their relationship is complicated, and their primary form of contact is through the letters, postcards and emails they send each other periodically, while Lynn slowly makes her mark on the London art scene. A novel in epistolary form, Bolt from the Blue captures the waxing and waning of the mother-daughter relationship over time, achieving a rare depth of feeling with a deceptively simple literary form.

Leseprobe

34

Praise for Bolt from the Blue

‘Bolt from the Blue is a scintillating, wistful exploration of a good career and a poor relationship. Pithy yet expansive, it’s an essential, engrossing, illuminating read for any aspiring artist.’

— Sara Baume, author of Handiwork

‘There’s a strange magic to Jeremy Cooper’s writing. The way he puts words together creates an incantatory effect. Reading him is to be spellbound, then. I have no idea how he does it, only that that I am seduced.’

— Ben Myers, author of The Offing

‘For a book that has the word ‘love’ on almost every page, Bolt From the Blue is endlessly inventive in showing us how love is often hidden, rationed, coded and disguised. It is an epistolary dialogue between a life of possibilities – as shown through the maturing vision of an artist – and one of disappointments, expressed through the wise and seasoned scepticism of the artist’s mother. Jeremy Cooper is a deft and sensitive writer who understands how to entrust his book to his characters.’

— Ronan Hession, author of Leonard and Hungry Paul

Praise for Ash before Oak

‘Low-key and understated, this beautiful book … is a civilised and melancholy document that slowly progresses towards a sense of enduring, going onwards, and even new life. It feels like a healing experience.’

— Phil Baker, The Sunday Times

‘A study in how writing can give lives meaning, and in how it can fail to be enough to keep one afloat, this is a rare, delicate book, teeming with the stuff of real life.’

— Publishers Weekly, starred review

45

BOLT FROM THE BLUE

JEREMY COOPER

678

To Lindsay Seers and Ben Rivers

CONTENTS

TITLE PAGEDEDICATIONBOLT FROM THE BLUEABOUT THE AUTHORCOPYRIGHT

9

To keep things straightforward and, as far possible, honest, I have precisely transcribed all the postcards and letters, later emails, I could find between my mother and me from my moving down to London in October 1985 until her death in August 2018. It turns out that we each kept a fair number through thirty years of moves and marriages. Mum’s letters to me I had stacked in date order in an empty drawing-paper box in my studio, inside their envelopes, the emails in a folder of consecutive printouts. My letters to her I found in a jumble at the back of a clothes drawer, emails on her low-tech old PC in a file titled GIRL. The arrival of the internet and email does not appear to have much affected the way Mum and I wrote to each other. My last words to her were on a postcard. We were hooked by then into set habits of language and form. Subjects changed with time, as did the relationship, the basic structure of our connection hardly at all.

My letters and postcards and emails were always dated, hers never. Not all the time-gaps are due to missing letters, as one or other of us, usually both, regularly went silent. I can also see that some absences of information in the letters may be due to the intervention of our very occasional telephone calls. This does not explain all the empty months, nor the way some letters refer to the contents of another letter which no longer exists. Dozens of letters were allowed to disappear. There may be an ex plicit reason why, for example, the year 1987 is almost a complete letter-blank, together with the first half of 1988, but it is too long ago for me to meaningfully recall the circumstances. Several significant occurrences to fill various gaps over the years do spring arbitrarily to mind, in visual detail, without my knowing why there are no letters recording the event. In more recent years I 10 was frequently away, researching and making my films, then showing them, often abroad, too preoccupied to write and uncontactable by Mum.

While I can remember a few of the letters from me that Mum did not keep, most of the absences are lost in the mist. I prefer to leave them there, in limbo. My policy is to look forward not back. Cut off and move on. My motto.

Some of Mum’s letters which I do not have I tore up and threw away within seconds of reading them, they made me so angry. Others have simply vanished, maybe left by me in a jacket pocket and discarded by the dry cleaners, or abandoned by mistake on a café table. Neither of us were great letter-writers anyway. Even if I had them all, the narrative they tell would still be partial. Nothing is ever complete, everything always a version. An illusion to imagine that diligent research and enquiry, about anything or anyone, can produce the whole story. There is no such thing.

This is what I have.

Period.

Patterns coalesce, sometimes by chance, at other times by design.

It took years, but our contact did seem to find, in time, a worthwhile rhythm, tightness and tedium giving way to a skewed sense of connection and care.

The letters tell only a tiny part of what has happened to me as an adult. They offer even fewer details of Mum’s life.

Re-reading this correspondence was a disturbing experience.

I cannot deny that these are my words and yet they do not feel like me. A depleted with-mother me? Although flashes of my actual presence are seen in a fair number 11 of thoughts which I still hold today, this remains a selective misrepresentation of who I am. The temptation to add and improve, to remove repetition, tone down my rants, was considerable.

I am pleased that I managed to resist. Because inconsistency, contradiction and exaggeration I have come to accept as the marks of reality, proof that, however inadequate in terms of communication and inaccurate as history, these letters are right. True, in my seeing, gathered by me for myself alone and not for others.

It is difficult, I find, to match the Lynn Gallagher who wrote these letters to the person who made the films described, even though I am both these women.

I made the transcriptions over several months, bit by bit, in an effort to establish to my own satisfaction why the outwardly unexceptional relationship between a mother and daughter affected me badly for so many years. The effort was wasted. Work on the texts has told me nothing. To the present me, my past feelings remain in essence inexplicable. Rereading these pages, I cannot understand how Mum’s behaviour drove me to physically cut myself away from whatever it was in her that I felt the need to protect myself from.

Where in these letters is there evidence of maternal ill-treatment?

That is what I have been asking myself, and am obliged to answer ‘Nowhere’. In between a line or two, or ten, maybe.

Nothing serious.

Would I have written so many letters with ‘news and views’ if our relationship was as bad as I constantly told myself it was? Equally, it is unlikely that I would recently have spent masses of time on this project of reclamation had it not felt important for me to do so. 12

While I do care that my films and photographs are seen – art-things do not exist until entering the lives of others – this does not alter the fact that the work matters essentially to me, will forever matter most to me, whatever anybody else might feel about it. Even more so with the transcript of these letters, my making of a private memento to Mum and me.

It is true what Mum used to say, that at heart I have never much cared what others think, preoccupied instead with my own concerns.

In my mid-fifties now, I have led a rich life, to which Mum appears in these letters to have contributed more than she took away. Her self-negating acceptance of things may have tied Mum down but it did not hold me back. The mistakes I made are my own and it is ridiculous of me to blame her, as I have tended to do for far too long.

We suffer. Of course we suffer, from time to time. Some people a great deal more than others. I have been lucky.

Sadly, alongside my narrow-minded account of art things, this correspondence mostly tells of our family difficulties. All the same, I hope some real qualities in Mum’s and my relationship manage to push their way through.

These letters are letters, not literature.

I am a maker of films not a writer, and Mum was neither.

One thing which surprises me is the overlapping language, the shared phrases, related tone. Probably because it is me to her and her to me, us to each other. I write differently to my friends, and to myself.

My thoughts at least are not my mother’s.

I don’t think they are. 13

Are they?

Don’t tell me, I’d rather not know.

14

BOLT FROM THE BLUE

1 OCT 85

Mum

Busy, brief.

Arrived safely and found the college digs easily enough.

Direct by 19 bus to St Martin’s.

St Martin’s College of Art! How about that!!

I feel … I feel happy.

Love

Lynn xx

7 OCT 85

Mum

Me again.

It’s great here: London, the school, the students.

I feel at home. It’s where I’m meant to be.

Already into a routine. You know how I need routine.

For the first few days I couldn’t find any time to read my novel-of-the-moment, which worried me. Now, if nothing else, I’ve at least thirty-five minutes twice a day on the top deck of the bus to and from St Martin’s. To bury myself in a story.

Decided to tackle Doris Lessing.

Not ‘tackle’, that makes it sound a chore. It’s not. Not at all. She’s wonderful. I meant that I intend to read several, beginning at her first, The Grass is Singing, then move straight on to  The Golden Notebook, which is the one I’m most looking forward to. Finishing off with The Good Terrorist, just out in paperback.

With the scholarship, I’m able to buy every book I read – second-hand if necessary – and will begin to make my own grown-up library.

Most of the teachers are practising artists and understand 15 that the point is to encourage and support, not tell.

Midwives not policemen.

So refreshing after the drag of eleven-plus and O-levels and A-levels, and the portfolio and interviews for here.

No more exams, ever! It’s all coursework, and assessment of stuff made. Not a problem.

I think so, anyway.

Must rush.

Love

Lynn

17 OCT 85

Mum

Have you got the correct address? Lynn Gallagher (First Year), St Martin’s College of Art, 107-109 Charing Cross Road, London WC2H 0EB. Each student has her own pigeonhole, where event notices and timetables and letters are placed twice a day. Except I haven’t received a single letter.

Nothing to tell you. I’m not going to write into thin air.

Lynn x

28 OCT 85

Mother

Take a jump.

Lynn

[Written in black ink capital letters on the message side of a Leeds Postcard, the front with a field of grey pound signs overlaid in block lettering with the slogan: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOUR HOUSE IS WORTH.] 16

Dear Lynn

Sorry, love, haven’t been feeling too good. Taken on more shifts at the pub, now that you’re not here in the evenings. It’ll sort itself out.

Glad to hear you’re settling in.

You’re my star.

Lots of love

Mum

P.S. Great card. Money, that’s all anyone thinks about, isn’t it?

3 NOV 85

Dear Mum

We’re making postcards at St Martin’s.

B-NEGATIVE painted in my own dark red blood! Not a cow’s!

My tutor liked it a lot. Now it’s yours.

Love

L x

[Posted the postcard in an envelope, to prevent damage. Strange now to handle something I made over thirty years ago and had not seen again until clearing Mum’s flat. Like most of my past work, I remembered precisely how it looked.]

Dear Lynn

Dead right title for you!17

Wasn’t it hysterical when the school nurse told us you were this rare blood type? They were always calling you to give blood.

Useful earner.

I’ve settled in.

To my new hours at The Blind Traveller.

And to controlling the booze.

Ankles swollen from the extra-standing. Better than they were.

You get used to anything, in the end.

See you.

Love

Mum

19 NOV 85

M

Beware of apples’n’onions bunions!

How’s Chippy puss?

Does she miss me?

I miss her!

L xx

[Embarrassing Kardorama postcard of a fluffy grey kitten playing with a large ball of yellow wool.]

18 DEC 85

Mum

I’m afraid I won’t be home for Christmas or New Year.

A friend has invited me to stay at her parents’ place, near Exeter. Sounds quite a large house.

She’s got a car, so we’ll be driving down

Her father runs the family firm of stockbrokers. Four days a week in the City. That kind of stuff. 18

As it’s your busy time at the pub you’ll barely notice.

Love

Lynn

20 JAN 86

Mum

How are you? Was Christmas OK?

I’ve caught a cold, touch of flu perhaps. Never mind, it’ll pass.

Full of ideas for work

Lynn xx

[Written on the classic Guerrilla Girls postcard of a billboard in New York showing the Mona Lisa with a green gag, the black and pink capital letters reading: First they want to take away a woman’s right to choose. Now they’re censoring art.]

Dear Lynn

Xmas was fine, thanks. Plenty of visitors, people dropping by. At  the pub, mostly,

Bought myself a new radio in the sales. And fancy underwear.

Yeah, I’m in pretty good shape. Considering.

Didn’t have to do Christmas turkey or anything. Don’t know why I bothered all those years.

Love

Mother

P.S. The cat’s fine too. No cat has ever missed anybody. Nor any other cat, as far as I can see. Food and warmth all they go for.

19

15 FEB 86

Mum

Thought it was Christmas at home which I find impossible. Bliss compared with Devon!

Safest, I’d say, to pretend the visit never happened.

Except I’ve been trying to blank it out, and can’t. So, need to get it off my chest. To you, of course!

One of my lists!

That fucking family. Frisky, freezing, freaky, fraudulent, frantic, foxy, foul, fossilised, formal, forlorn, footling, foolish, foetid, fly-blown, fleshy, flatulent, flash, flaky, filthy, fiendish, fidgety, feeble, faulty, fat, fatal, farcical, false.

Reverse alfabetical!

Jerk of a father made a pass at me.

They have an outdoor swimming pool. Heated, in winter!

On the way out, this breed. They must be. Surely?

I’m going to ignore Christmas completely from now on.

Love

Lynn

16 FEB 86

Dear Mum

There’s a teacher at St Martin’s who bangs on about contact-making, how important it is for our careers. Weird!

Since when did being an artist become a career?

If it is then I don’t want to be an artist. I do stuff, that’s all.

Stuff which may or may not mean anything to anybody else. To me, though, it really matters. That’s the point.

Love

Lynn20

P.S. St Martin’s College of Art is now officially called the London Institute. Makes no difference.

28 FEB 86

Mum

You asked if I had somewhere to work at college.

I do, it’s great: open long hours, seven days a week.

First year students have individual studios on the lower ground floor. Cubicles, with eight-foot high wooden divides, open on the passage side, no doors.

Looking out of the window, below the level of the pavement, I can see passers-by up to the top of their thighs.

Fascinating. I could watch for hours. Who are they?

Where’ve they come from, where are they going to?

I’m obsessed!

‘Tell me another,’ I hear you saying!

Out of the hundreds and hundreds of Polaroids I’ve taken, I’ve selected a hundred and thirty and mounted them flush-floated in a Perspex box frame, ten across by thirty down. Made the whole thing  myself.

Spent days fiddling with patterns, direction of travel, coat colours, male/female, etc. One dog, placed near the bottom right of my grid, pissing against the railings.

Can’t see his willy.

My photographic grid echoes the old iron bars on the window. Sort of.

Enclosed is a Polaroid of the Polaroids.

What do you reckon?

Love

L xx

21

Dear Lynn

I like it when you ask my opinion.

What do I think of your … what would you call it? A picture?

Don’t think much of it, to be honest. Looks a bit of a mess.

You’ve always been so very tidy, and organised. I hope they don’t ruin that for you at art school.

See how it goes. Keep K V.

Love

Mother

26 JUNE 86

Mum

Last night I had an experience I’ll never forget. Ever.

At the Almeida Music Festival I saw John Cage, the man himself, face of wrinkles and smiles. Plus his fat fellow-American pianist with a droopy moustache. In a performance of 4’33”.

Do you know about this piece?

Cage wrote it soon after the war.

Mikhashoff, the pianist, sat down at the grand piano, closed the lid, set a stopwatch, folded his hands in his lap and rested in solemn and silent concentration for precisely four minutes and thirty-three seconds. After which he turned off the watch, opened the lid to expose the keys, stood up and bowed. To rapturous applause from the audience and a hug from Cage.

Creaks of the floor, a man in the third row clearing his throat, cups clinking in the café outside. Loads of music! The near-silent sound of my own breath, blood beating in my ears.

I’ve never seen anything like it. I mean, there’s no-one like Cage, or his music, and I’ve never seen or heard either live before. Of course not. I’m twenty-one and until 22 nine months ago I’d hardly moved from a Birmingham suburb!

Despite his size, Yvar Mikhashoff is a champion tango dancer, it said in the programme. Not his real name, an art self-christening. Pinched from his grandfather, who, he claims, was a Russian  general.

London!

London!!

London!!!

Love from Lynn

29 JUNE 86

Mum

I told you money’s short and I’ll need to work through the summer?

Would’ve been at home, the usual, Sparkhill Co-op, if I hadn’t landed this great job up in Newcastle. At the Hatton Gallery, attached to the university. Tom, my tutor, knows the head of art there and recommended me for freelance work – cataloguing a collection of British drawings they’ve just been given. I’m thrilled.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Take care of yourself.

Make sure lover-boy does his share in the house.

Big wish!

Love

Lynn

Lynn

Are you never ever coming home again in your whole life?

Mother

23

[I remember at the time wondering what the connection was between the image on this postcard and her words. None the wiser today. Maybe it was a card Mum hap-pened to have lying around, perhaps one I left behind in my room? It is captioned What price defence? by the photomontage specialist Peter Kennard, of a billion-pound note passed into a skeletal hand in exchange for missiles. On the reverse is a quotation from 1980 by Francis Pym, Defence Secretary at the time: We have to possess the most horrific weapons precisely so as not to use them.]

28 SEPT 86

Mum

Back in London getting ready for term.

It was brilliant up North, exactly the type of work I like.

After sorting the drawings into some kind of order, I devised an effective method of categorization and piled through them.

The experience of looking hard, for weeks on end, at other people’s art-ideas. At drawings, at the heart of things, hand to pencil to paper. Leaves me with a respect for the act of making miles beyond my previous thoughtlessness. Making things is a serious business. No fooling.

Lynn xxx

4 OCT 86

Mum

A thought.

The thing which excites me about looking at non-commercial exhibitions, at the Whitechapel, say, or the Serpentine, is feeling the vitality in the best of these 24 older artists. A sense of their energy of endeavour, in everything they did, a lasting presence in their work after the death of the body.

Love

Lynn xx

[Sent this on a words-only postcard: MAKE LOVE NOT BABIES – BAN THE POPULATION BOMB.]

Dear Lynn

Wanted to tell you how pleased I am you’re finding your way forward.

Pleased for you, not myself.

True.

I had my chances and didn’t take them. You have. Good for you, luv.

Forget that nonsense about daughters fulfilling their mothers’ dreams. Flipping insult. To us both.

Make your own bed, I say, and sleep on it yourself. No room for me. Wouldn’t want to anyway. Jesus, you shared my bed for long enough when you were little!

As it happens, I agree with you about getting a kick up the pants from looking at tip-top art. I mean, that Picasso, he can do anything. Always making stuff nobody’d dreamt of doing before. Can’t stand half of it myself. So what?

I love his hands, in the photos.

Keep it up! Strength to strength!

With love

Mother

25

Dear Lynn

I can’t believe you’re AGAIN not coming up for Christmas.

I don’t understand. You say refusing to see me isn’t personal.

Bloody well feels like it, I can tell you!

Barely remember what you look like. Never saw much of you anyway. Out at school, or staying-over with friends.

Suppose you cut off all your lovely hair once I wasn’t around to stop you?

Never mind. It’s your life. I don’t mind.

All I want is to see you home for Christmas.

Love

Mother

14 DEC 86

Mum

I never said I refused to see you, just that I don’t want to step foot in Sparkhill. Not for the time being, anyway.

Not necessarily forever.

I’ve told you why. If you don’t get it, that’s not my fault.

There’s nothing stopping you from coming to see me!

Do you? No.

Do you ever even suggest it? No.

Please, don’t make such a fuss. I know it’s not normal.

Nothing is ‘normal’. Not with us or anybody else.

This is how we meet, in letters and postcards. For now.

We’re getting on fine.

Don’t rock the boat you used to tell me, when I took against your boyfriends.

Same to you now. Different circumstances, same principle.

Let go, please.

Love

Lynn26

16 AUG 88

Mum

All the talk at London art schools this summer is about Freeze.

Pretty annoying, as nobody seemed to notice our degree show. Doesn’t really matter. I was happy enough with my drawings. Which won a prize, actually!

Don’t imagine news of Freeze reached Sparkhill!

It’s a show of their own work organised by final year students at Goldsmiths, in a disused gym down Deptford way.

Don’t wait to be asked, we’ll do it for ourselves!

A short ballsy bloke from Leeds is the ringleader. He’s a whirlwind. Persuaded the developers across the river in Canary Wharf to pay for publication of an A4 illustrated catalogue. For a bunch of students!

I liked Gallaccio’s piece best, the colours and shapes made by pouring molten lead over the floor. Apparently, she burnt her foot in an early session and couldn’t walk, her colleagues rallying round to finish the work for her, while she sat at the side giving instructions. ‘We were all Anya’s slaves,’ one of the other students said. ‘While she hung about on crutches drinking a glass of wine!’

They were their own curators, taking turns to open up and sell catalogues. While I was there two of the small coloured cardboard boxes in Hirst’s sculpture fell off the wall and Fairhurst, I think it was, stuck them back in place.

Derivative stuff, self-deciding to abandon ship. He’s the Leeds lad. A way to go.

Pretty inspiring, though, all in all.

Or is it a storm in a teacup?

I wonder.27

Telling you about it helps me see things from the outside. Cuts the London art dragon down to size.

Love

Lynn

3 FEB 89

Mum

Relieved to say that I’ve got a part-time job. My friend Georgie, from the year above, found it for me. Studio assistant to a painter called Cedric Dawson. Big decorative rubbish. Him too. Fat, all flowery shirts and innuendo.

Suits me perfectly. Go in, do my job without a thought, pocket the cash and get on with my own thing.

It’s friends I talk to. Like Georgie. Not past-it pricks.

She told me that once when the Director did his studio rounds with them last year, he looked into one cubicle, then outside in the passage was heard to complain, shaking his head: ‘There’s one in every year.’

Bloody rude!

Must ask Georgie whose studio it was. Probably turn out to be a  star!

Must rush.

Love

L xx

27 FEB 89

Mum

Can’t believe what I heard last night on the radio.

President Reagan defends his fitness for office by the fact that he can still put on his socks without sitting down!

Lynn xx28

[On a postcard of Margaret Thatcher with her head in her hands above the red-edged banner: Maggie Shock. American Failure To Buy Britain.]

L

I’ve stopped myself asking you this dozens of times, but … Do you have a boyfriend? Or girlfriend, I don’t mind. Is there anyone you love?

M xx

[Written on a commercial postcard view of the National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham, the same side of town as Sparkhill, not far from home.]

20 MAR 90

Mum, you’re so funny! I knew this was the one thing you really wanted to know!

No, I don’t.

I did.

Off and on.

A very clever artist and utter arsehole. Unbelievably self-centred. I suppose I thought I could change him.

Standard woman stuff.

He was at the Slade. I saw the light in the end and floored him by saying that I felt lonelier with him than on my own!

Tant pis, as they say.

Not that I’m certain I know what that means

Tant pis, all the same.

xLx29

22 SEPT 90

Mum

If you want me to tell you about boyfriends, you’re also going to have to listen to me bang on about art. Though both subjects frequently bore me rigid!

Pleased to have come across an artist, a couple of years older than me, whose work I like a lot. Michael Landy.

His dad’s Irish. A show he calls Market has just opened in Bermondsey and I went earlier today.

Takes on an enormous space, a decommissioned biscuit factory, set out with piles of coloured plastic crates and ranks of metal market stalls covered in rolls of fake grass. Empty. No fruit or veg. Nothing.

Wandering around there on my own I felt even more self-conscious than I usually do at exhibitions. Not sure why. Relieved to be drawn towards the sounds of a video piece he’s made, in a room at the side.

‘No choice … That’s it, simple, there’s no choice. From quite early on, already at secondary school … I mean, and then, after art school, you just drive forward, whatever the setbacks,’ Landy says.

I agree.

Love

Lynn

4 JAN 91

Mum

I give up.

Love!!

Me, I thrash around in perpetual misunderstanding. Love may seem on occasion to work. It never does, though. Never can, I reckon. Doomed. 30

No use asking you to elucidate!

LOVE from me xx

[Written on another Leeds Postcard, Angela Martin’s stylised watercolour of a disgruntled woman, titled Famous Radical Feminist Sayings and captioned Dead as a Dildo.]