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Moxie J

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Für Kinder und Jugendliche
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 159

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023

Beschreibung

Alyssa is not okay. She might say she is, but she's not. After the death of her father, she has officially entered a relationship with depression. She feels like she can't talk to anyone about it, Not even her best friend, Eliza. One day a new guy appears at school. He instantly hits it off with Alyssa, and they become friends. The unlikely trio of Alyssa, Eliza and Theo start making sweet music together. There's even love in the air. But what happens when everybody's batteries start running low?

Leseprobe

To: The queers, the mentally ill.

It gets better, you’re doing great.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Sharpener

Chapter 2: Theo

Chapter 3: Secret tampon

Chapter 4: Song

Chapter 5: Caught

Chapter 6: More secrets

Chapter 7: Date night

Chapter 8: Friends forever

Chapter 9: Elijah

Chapter 10: Eliza

Chapter 11: Therapy

Chapter 12: Small celebration

Chapter 13: Showtime

Chapter 14: Relationships

Chapter 15: Party

Chapter 16: Anonymous_storksville

Chapter 17: Girls

Chapter 18: Coming out

Chapter 19: Unsupportive

Chapter 20: Battery is running low

Chapter 1

Sharpener

I look at my phone, the time says one nineteen AM. I’ve been trying to sleep for three hours, but I really don’t feel tired. I look up at my ceiling, the room is spinning, the walls are melting. I begin thinking. The kind of thinking that hurts me more than I realise. I’m talentless, ugly, and fat. I don’t deserve anything. I say things like that back and forth in my head for at least twenty minutes. I cry, silently. I take deep breaths to calm down. It doesn’t work.

There’s only one thing left to try.

I turn on the light on my bedside table before taking out a pencil sharpener blade from the drawer. I pull up my sleeve and make five cuts on my wrist. I roll over and fall asleep. Maybe someday, I could fall asleep without harming my body first.

*

Hi, I’m Alyssa Tucker. I’m sixteen years old, and I’m a useless human being. I’m honestly just waiting to die. I pray that it happens soon. A lot of people would describe it as depression, suicidal thoughts. Might be, I don’t know. I’ve been having somewhat “dark thoughts'' ever since my dad died last year in a fire. Some sick idiot decided to burn down his office. My dad tried to escape, but it was too late.

I took a few days off from school, and then I stopped going to my singing lessons. I was never much of a singer anyway. It’s fine, really.

Ever since dad’s death, I’ve been going to therapy. We all have. Me, mom and my little sister Annie. While mom and Annie actually talked about their feelings, I’ve been refusing to open up. I don’t go to therapy anymore. Annie goes occasionally, and mom goes every week.

It’s been hard for all of us. Mom is kind of angry at me for refusing to open up. “Your therapist is only trying to help you" she says. I don’t need anyone's help. I can get through this on my own. With my sharpeners and my journals.

I wake up to my stupid alarm, seven AM sharp. I feel like I’ve only slept one single second. I am drained. I lay in my bed scrolling on social media for a few minutes, before I get up and look in the mirror. I look disgusting. I really need a shower; my hair is greasy and I smell bad. I don’t have time to take a quick shower though, let alone wash my hair. So, I think of the next best thing - dry shampoo and deodorant. I still don’t smell the best, so I spray on some of the perfume that dad got me for my birthday last year. I curl my eyelashes and put on a ton of mascara. It’s really clumpy, but I doubt anyone will notice. After all, I am just a wallflower. When I look and smell OK, I go down to the kitchen for breakfast. Mom is stressed as usual.

“There you are, Ally”, she says, as soon as I walk into the kitchen.

“Morning, mom.”

“Eat your breakfast quickly. We must leave in fifteen.”

I make myself a sandwich and sit down next to my little sister, Annie.

“Could you help me with my maths homework?” she asks.

“I’m sorry, Annie. I have to get ready”, I say, eating as fast as I can.

She looks disappointed. I don’t blame her. Mom has always been stressed out about something since dad died, so she can’t help either one of us with anything. It hasn’t exactly been doing much for my grades.

When I’ve finished the sandwich, I quickly run to the bathroom and brush my teeth. When I come out mom and Annie are already standing in the hallway, waiting for me.

“Come on, you’re going to be late”, mom says as I’m tying my shoelaces.

“It’s fine”, I say, throwing my coat on. “Let’s go”.

We drive to school, and during the ride mom is interrogating us to make sure we brought everything we need for the day. She drops us off at the school gate, and I run inside so I won’t be late. I see Eliza Goldberg, my best friend since preschool, standing by my locker. She notices me and smiles.

“Ally!”

“Elz!”

“How are we doing today, love?” she asks me.

“Alright.” I open my locker and take off my coat.

“You smell really good.”

“Thank you”, I say, not entirely sure that she really means it.

Even going back as far as we do, I’m not sure why we’re still friends, to be honest. Eliza’s got a lot of friends that are way cooler than me. She’s an only child with rich parents, and is both pretty and talented. The very opposite of me.

Eliza is tall and has long, curly, light blue hair, beautiful fair skin and gorgeous blue eyes. She’s been taking dance classes and piano lessons for as long as I’ve known her, and she’s really good. I don’t think that I’m good at anything, actually. The singing lessons didn’t work out for me. I’m convinced that I am talentless. I’m short and have boring, straight, brown hair. I have lots of acne, and even my eyes are different from Eliza’s, dark brown with a kind of gloomy gaze. I want to be Eliza so badly. I want to be pretty, rich and talented. Not this ugly, poor dork. It’s unfair.

We go to class, and it’s really boring. The more I listen to Miss Smith, our English teacher, the less I understand what she’s saying. I can’t take it. I plug in my earphones and turn my music on. I close my eyes, and there it is… my happy place. When I open my eyes again, a piece of paper lies in front of me. It’s an assignment, hooray… This day could not get any worse, and it’s just starting. I silently start working on the assignment. I don’t have a lot of time to work, but I still try to get a few things done.

“Alright class”, Miss Smith suddenly says. “We don’t have much time left, so you are all free to leave.”

I gather my things and start to get up from the chair.

“Oh and Alyssa, could you stay, please?” Miss Smith quickly adds.

Just my luck, I think to myself. After everyone has left, Miss Smith closes the door and walks towards my desk.

“Alyssa, I’ve noticed that you’ve been struggling lately.”

Struggling? How did she know? Did she see the scars, or did she hear me cry in the bathroom? Or is it about dad’s death? I quickly have to think of something to say.

“Oh no, I’m fine.”

“I mean, your school results have been dropping.”

“I know”, I say, looking at my feet.

“I have a suggestion, Alyssa. Would you care to listen?”

“I guess.”

“A new student will be joining us tomorrow. His name is Theodore. He’s a rather gifted kid.”

“What does that have to do with me and my grades?” I ask, slightly annoyed.

“I want you to welcome him to the school”, Miss Smith continues. “And before you say no - I think it could be good for you to socialise with other people your age. You could actually learn a lot from him.”

“I have friends. I have Eliza”, I reply.

“You can have more than one friend. Please give this a shot.”

Obviously I refuse, but she keeps pushing it. I finally agree. I really don’t want to meet new people, especially not some gifted kid who’s supposed to help me study. I’m not that bad at schoolwork.

Instantly afterwards, I have to tell Eliza. So during lunch I approach her while she’s talking to a few of her other friends.

“Hey Elz!”

“Oh, hey Ally, What's up?”

Her friends give me disgusted looks. I kind of hesitate for a second, considering telling her another time. Her friends start whispering about something and they finally walk away without saying a word.

“Um Ally, are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. But you’ll never believe what Miss Smith told me after class.”

“What did she tell you?”

“She wants me to welcome some gifted kid to our school, because ‘I could learn from him.’”

“Oh my god.”

“I know, right? She’s basically calling me stupid.”

“Yeah, if you need help with school, you can just come to me”, says Eliza.

“I know. The whole thing is so annoying.”

After school, mom drives us home. She’s driving in silence, until she finally drops the question.

“So Alyssa, anything you want to talk to me about?

Her words echo through my mind. Has she found the blades? Or my journal? My whole mind goes blank. There's only one word: Deny. Deny. Deny.

“Nope”, I reply, trying to sound as casual as possible.

“Maybe about the new student transferring to your school tomorrow?”

Good, at least she didn’t find anything in my room. I really don’t want to tell her about the new kid, though. I’ve never been a very talkative person, not even as a child. That’s why I only have one friend, Eliza. It’s always been like that; I don't want it to change. I hate change.

If I tell her that there is a new student that I’m showing around, she's going to get all excited for me, even though he will probably abandon me as soon as possible. But she obviously already knows something about it. I don’t want to get in trouble for lying.

“Oh yeah, Miss Smith wants me to show him around and stuff”, I say.

“Well that’s great! I’m really happy that you’re finally talking to others your age. I heard he’s really smart, perhaps he could even help you with school!”

There it is.

“Maybe…”

That night, I’m sitting in my room doing my homework, in protest to what everyone is saying about my grades. I can’t really seem to get much done, though. My mind is flooded with all kinds of emotions. I look in the mirror. I disgust myself. No wonder Eliza's friends looked at me like that. I would react the same way. I start crying, soundlessly. I’m pathetic. I open the drawer again and pull out the blade. I start cutting. I feel better for every cut that I make. I suddenly hear a knock on the door.

“Can I come in?”

It’s mom.

“I’m changing”, I quickly reply.

“Okay, well I’m going to bed.”

“Alright, love you!” I say.

“Love you too, honey, Good night.”

I put the blade down. Fuck. I almost got caught. I wait for the cuts to stop bleeding before I put the blade back in the drawer and go to sleep.

I actually sleep soundly, and wake up well rested.

I get up and look in the mirror, open my makeup bag. I curl my eyelashes and put some mascara on. It’s a good lash day today! That’s a sign, right? I put some deodorant on and get dressed in a cute sweater along with a pair of grey jeans. I actually look kind of cute today. This is the most confident I've felt in a long time. I go down for breakfast, and find my mom stressed as usual.

“Annie, have you seen my work ID?”

“No.”

“Have you seen it, Alyssa?” she asks, not even looking at me.

“I haven’t”, I reply while buttering a piece of toast.

She lifts a pile of papers and sighs.

“Found it.”

I roll my eyes, but can’t help smiling. I love her no matter how disorganised she is.

When we’re all ready, mom drives us to school as usual. During the whole ride I can’t stop thinking about who this new kid is. I mean, all I know is that his name is Theodore and that he’s gifted. I’m starting to panic. What if he hates me?

We arrive at school, and mom stops the car.

“Have a good day, kids.”

“You too, mom”, I say.

“Oh, and Alyssa. Be nice to the new kid.”

“Love you too, mom”, I sigh, and slam the car door. Mom drives off, and I walk straight into what I believe is a brand new day of misery.

In the big hall, Eliza runs up to me, and hugs me right away when she sees me.

“What was that for?” I ask.

“Just feel kind of bad for you, that’s all”.

“Haha”, I reply with a straight face. “Maybe he’ll be nice to me”.

“Excuse me”, says a voice behind me.

I turn around to see who it is. It’s a tall, brown haired boy with glasses and dimples.

“Are you Alyssa?”

“Yes?”

“Theodore.” He holds his hand out.

I can’t think of a thing to say.

Chapter 2

Theo

Theodore? This is the gifted kid who just transferred? I was expecting some geeky guy, but this one is actually really cute. I scan him from head to toe. He’s wearing a t-shirt and a flannel. I’m guessing it’s a band t-shirt, but I don’t recognize the band. He’s also wearing baggy jeans and a pair of matt Doc Martens. There’s a big birthmark on his neck, and the brown hair is really messy. But not in the way that would give you the impression that he’s unorganised.

His dark eyes look right into mine. He’s still holding his hand out and I finally take it.

“Nice to meet you”, I say.

He looks at me curiously. But not in a disgusted way, like Eliza’s friends do. More in a fascinated way, that really catches my attention.

“You’re very beautiful”, he suddenly blurts out.

At first I think he’s looking at Eliza. But he’s still looking right at me, and I just stand there, not knowing what to say or do. Eliza witnesses me just staring at him like an idiot. She hits my arm. I figure that’s code for: “Say something, you dumb fuck.”

“Thank you”, I manage to reply.

He finally lets go of my hand, his facial expression suddenly changing. He looks really embarrassed as he stands there, with his mouth open like he’s trying to say something.

“I-I was in Miss Smith's office earlier this morning”, he stutters. “She told me to look for you. She gave me your name and a description. I’m not a creep or anything.”

That explains the facial expression. He thought his comment made him come off as creepy. Eliza gives Theodore a slightly judgemental look.

“Uh huh”, she says sarcastically.

Normally I would give Eliza a look clearly telling her to be nice, but the guy actually seems relieved by her words. He might not understand her sarcasm. I quickly think of a change of subject.

“Sooo.. what made you transfer here?”

“I moved here recently because of my dad’s job. I’m from Sweden”, Theodore replies.

Eliza and I look at him, and then at each other. He really doesn’t look very Swedish at all. Swedish people are known for blonde hair and blue eyes.

“I’m half Swedish, half British”, he adds.

It’s almost like he read my mind.

“Anyway,” I say. “We still have time before classes start, would you like a tour of the school?”

“For sure!”

I show Theodore around, and literally every time I say anything he replies with: ‘Hmm, interesting’ or ‘Very nice’. He really isn’t annoying or mean. He is actually nice. I don’t hate him.

After the tour we go to class. We’re quite early, even after walking around the whole school. Miss Smith tells Theodore to sit next to me. That, I do not like. We have desks for two in our classroom, and I used to be the only one in class who didn’t have to share. But there are no other seats available, so I have to accept my new neighbour.

English is boring as usual, so I zone out, as usual. I’m doing alright in my own little world, when Theodore taps my shoulder.

“What?” I whisper, annoyed.

He slips me a note. It says: ‘I heard you needed help with studies.’ I look back at him, shaking my head. He grabs the note and starts scribbling something else, then hands it back to me. ‘Everyone needs help sometimes.’ I open my pencil case and write back: ‘My grades aren’t the best, but you really don’t have to help me.’ I hand him the note. He reads it, smiling the whole time, kind of like a psychopath. Then he picks up his pencil and starts writing again. I was hoping he would just accept that I don’t want help, but apparently not. He hands me the note back.

‘I want to’, it says.

I look up at him. He’s smiling at me, but not in a psychopath way anymore, but in a genuine way. I smile back at him. I pick up my pencil and write ‘Thank you’ on the note, and hand it to him. Theodore reads it, and then looks at me. We share a nod.

He just kind of follows me throughout the day. We have all the same classes, so it’s convenient. We don’t talk that much, just a bit of casual small talk. At the end of the day he comes up to me and starts talking about study plans.

“I want you to study for at least fifteen minutes every day”, he says. “And meet with me once a week to study together.”

“Study together? Why?” I ask, genuinely curious.

“Solo studies are important, but it’s even more important to study with others to compare work and learn from each other.”

I’m silent. I doubt he could learn anything from me, but I don’t question him. He notices my silence, realising that I don’t have any more questions.

“So on which week days can we meet?” he asks.

“Any of them, except Fridays.”

Friday is an important day for me. It’s when me and Eliza go to her house and watch movies. House isn’t exactly the right word, her place is so huge it’s practically a mansion. Also, her room is an ensuite with a massive walk-in closet. She really needs that closet though, because she has so many clothes. Her room is filled with all kinds of things. When we were younger, she had a large cardboard cut-out of Justin Bieber and expensive dolls in there, but now it’s just makeup and other similar stuff. It’s a part of growing up, I guess. Sometimes I’ll sleep over there, in my own room. The guest rooms are like hotel rooms, complete with small bottles of shampoo and conditioner in the shower.