Forward Paths E-Book

Elke Jung

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 918

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018

Beschreibung

Loreen has been trying for several years now to find out more about her spiritual teacher Anna. Who is this mysterious woman? Where does she come from and where is she going to? How does she remain so calm and serene despite her difficult life? These and other riddles seem to suddenly become solvable during a long road trip which bonds the two women even more closely together. Loreen finally wants to get to know her friend's ndian roots. She already knows how she is going to elicit the secret of her friend's life from her - but before Loreen can carry out her plan, Anna beats her to the punch... "The Path Forward" is the story of two journeys: There is the car trip, by no means harmless, to an undisclosed place where a surprise awaits Anna. And there is the journey to Anna's past, the story of her life and her spiritual roots, all of which do not leave Loreen untouched.

Leseprobe

Novel

1. Edition 2018

Author:

Dr. Elke Jung

Cover:

Maximilian Jung & Dr. Elke Jung

Editor:

Yannek Drees

Translater:

Angela Harder

Visit me at www.ways2light.com

Dedication

I dedicate this novel, in deep respect and love, to my spiritual father and teacher, the North American Muskogee Native American Marcellus Williams “Bear Heart”.

E.J.

Note from the Author

All persons and acts in this book are purely fictional, any similarities with living persons are entirely coincidental.

Acknowledgment

I would like to express my sincere and warm thanks to my family for making this book possible; they especially supported me in the most difficult years of my life and motivated me again and again to push forward with this book and publish it. I am particularly much obliged to Marcellus Williams “Bear Heart” who introduced me to Native American wisdom, traditions, and healing rituals, who accompanied me on my search for visions and gave me the possibility of taking part in Native American rites such as the sun dance. I also highly appreciate the efforts and the commitment of Regina Water Spirit, who made my stays in New Mexico possible and supported and accompanied me in such a loving manner before, during and after my stays. I would also like to thank several groups of Native Americans of different tribes, amongst whom I could experience ceremonies, as well as my Lakota teacher who introduced me to the rite of the holy pipe. I would like to express my thanks to my spiritual brother Don Dickerson, as well, who had a significant impact on the survival of my life crisis and on my being able to take on new paths. I have to mention Marcy Brandenburg who gave me a pleasant and loving atmosphere during my stays in New Mexico and who has since become such a valuable friend and sister. I would also like to thank my close friends from New Mexico, South Dakota and in my homeland. They supported and accompanied me in my undertakings and with their commitment and conversations inspired me to write this novel. They also helped me to give some structure to the first draft of this book and to blot out any mistakes.

I am especially grateful however to my editor Yannek Drees. Without his help I would not have been able to publish this trilogy. It is thanks to his knowledge, commitment, wealth of ideas, and his patience with me and the innumerable rounds of corrections that this book, which at first was very factual and sometimes overloaded with technical terms, could turn into a novel.

Last but not least, I would like to sincerely thank my translator Angela Harder, who has enabled me, through her loving and intensive translation work, to make this book accessible to English-speaking readers as well. Thank you.

Inhaltsverzeichnis

Departure and Retrospect

City Life in Vienna and nature

Freedom and Research

Bowl Session

Car Accident

New Paths

Up and Down

Unexpected Encounters

The Power of the Spirit

Warning

Setback

Coming of age

Intuition

Friendship and parting

Hard Test

Optimism

African Knowledge

The Call of the Indians

Earth Healing Ceremony

Departure

Therapy and Friendship

Homecoming

Vision Quest

Sundance

Wolf Bird Woman – a homecoming of a different kind

The Holy Pipe

Visiting the Lakota Indians

Time for Ceremonies

In the land of the Lakota

World of Opposites

A Big Hero

Family Matters

Farewell and Fresh Start

Arrival

Departure and Retrospect

Loreen is standing in the grass and is quite nervous. They still have a 6-hour drive ahead of them. The car is packed. She checks once more whether they haven’t forgotten anything, takes her hairbrush out and brushes her long, black hair. Her dark brown eyes flash with impatience. When she goes from one side of the car to the other she has a stride length of almost two meters. She checks again whether her dark blue jeans fit properly. Did Anna already notice my new moccasins? At least she didn’t say anything about them.

Loreen happily looks down at her abs, for which she worked hard for so long. Then she takes her telephone book out and, as a precaution, phones all her friends and helpers again. She wants to be entirely certain that the preparations for the ceremony are underway. She goes for a little walk to ease her jumpiness and to practice patience, just like Anna has told her a thousand times, it seems. Who is this woman? I’ve already taken part in her ceremonies countless times. But I’ve never reached her. Loreen stands still. Can I not help her or even take a similar path? I would like to follow in her footsteps.

Whenever I go to her my stomach aches suddenly disappear. The minute I go back and end up in a stressful situation, the whole thing starts again. Why don’t these treatments just last? I’ve tried so many different therapies but my problems just get worse and worse. Why does this only happen to me? Why is the world so unfair?

Loreen has a thousand questions and with each of their encounters there are even more. She prays that this time there will be more than just unanswered questions. What she wants is a breakthrough in her relationship to become closer with Anna and to receive answers to her questions. She really wants to surprise Anna this time. She has never managed before but today is the day. Loreen is sure. But they have to go. Now!

Everything is organized to perfection. Now all they have to do is arrive on time. Loreen approaches Anna uneasily and says „ Anna, we have to go. People are waiting, you know. Tonight is the ceremony and we still have a six-hour drive ahead of us “. Anna stands there lost in thought and observes the birds. Loreen is not sure whether Anna has even heard what she said. How are we going to do this? We’re late. Loreen walks back and forth nervously, tearing at her hair in exasperation. The traffic information on the radio reports nothing but long traffic jams. How are we ever going to do this? Actually, it’s just like always. Anna is standing there like it all doesn’t have any effect on her. It seems as if she is communicating with the birds. Loreen knows enough not to disturb her. It wouldn’t make any sense anyway. She knows that Anna would only say „ Give me a few minutes, Loreen, ok? Please. “And then she would have to leave Anna alone. And these few minutes could sometimes turn in to a half an hour or more.

Somehow it seems that there are people who are not controllable. Like Anna. Loreen had long since given up fighting this fact and so she decides to check once again everything in the car and just wait. While waiting, she observes Anna closely and notices for the first time how Anna has changed. Her dainty yet sporty figure and her shoulder-length light blonde hair is no longer there. Instead, her hair is now brunette and has grown half way down her back. Her shoulders have become broad, even more so than her hips. Her gait is upright, gentle, reverent, sometimes almost quietly creeping and yet proud. You often cannot hear her and then suddenly she appears. She is tanned and her bony structure is visible through her clothes. Her eyes shine like the deep blue ocean in which many secrets are hidden.

Whenever Loreen saw this look, she realized that she only could ever explore a very small part of the whole depth of Anna’s thoughts, feelings, and wisdom. Loreen knows that Anna has always been different from the others and always was looking for extremes. Nobody really knows Anna nor do they ever know what she is doing at any moment. Every time Loreen thinks she has finally got to know Anna, something unexpected happens. But Loreen knows some things for sure about Anna.

Even as a child Anna occupied herself with lofty philosophical topics and read book after book. She delved deep into classical music, followed by solving complicated mathematical equations only to embark on high-performance sport then shortly thereafter. Anna often found escape in nature. And surprisingly her best friends always were simple, nature-loving people. Together they tested both their courage and their physical limits.

Even back then it was impossible to lock Anna into a system. She would always find a loophole to squeeze out of and do what she wanted. She wrote her doctoral thesis in the middle of the night. She once explained that to Loreen like this: „You have the most peace then, nobody disturbs you. Everybody is sleeping. It’s brilliant “. And simultaneously she watched the US Open, the famous New York tennis championship. Tennis was Anna’s hobby for a long time but that didn’t help her whilst writing her dissertation. To become inspired to write, she had to listen to Gustav Mahler’s music at full blast, almost bursting her ear drums. “That’s what I need. “was her only comment “That really gets me going and the ink just spills by itself.“

Apart from that, Anna must have used every spare minute to travel and explore the world. Although she never showed off with it, she often felt the need to take part in extreme mountain hikes in complete isolation only to return to big city night life to turn the night into day. All of that was rounded off with the best culinary treats of the area, ideally combined with the local sound, at best with live music.

The qualities that were always missing for Anna were continuity and patience. According to her, Anna always hated learning unnecessary things, she always hated wasting time on routine activities or practicing an instrument. She must have always been clear about knowing that she couldn’t lean back and rest on these weaknesses. Later on, Anna started a family so that she would become more settled. Ultimately it seems to be an expression of longing for her parental home, for a homeland, for a center for her life. What better way to force yourself to become settled than to buy a house? Apparently, Anne placed considerable emphasis on living in her own house with her family. It was not so much the ownership of property. For her it was more about forcing herself to settle down so that she wouldn’t go from one place to another all her life. Another advantage was the freedom from landlords, but it wasn’t Anna’s fondness for the house itself. For her it was probably just a roof over her head, nothing else.

Loreen looks over to the small hill. Anna is still standing there. She lives in her own world, another world. Loreen is nervous. Is Anna trying to test my patience yet again? Anna often did that. Loreen often had to wait for Anna in past ceremonies. There is always a reason for Anna why she can’t leave at one certain moment. But in the next moment, things can be completely different and then they have to drive right away, at exactly that minute. Loreen could never explain the real reasons for this. It’s Anna’s intuition. You can’t force her into any kind of schedule. She always had difficulties in being punctual for appointments in her professional life. Anna is a sealed book. Her reactions are never predictable. She follows a set of rules which cannot be explained logically. Sometimes it takes weeks before Loreen understands why Anne has done this or that or what she was talking about. Time and again things happen which Loreen cannot explain. But for Anna, all of this seems to be entirely inevitable. In these cases, the only thing that Loreen gets is a mischievous smile. That’s why now and again it happens that Anna warns her about things that she should best not do. Then Loreen knows that Anna has seen something which is of vital importance. Even though she seldom reveals what it was. It would be pointless to ask in any case. Loreen would probably get an answer such as “You’ll find out yourself in due time. The real art lies in telling only what is appropriate at that time to the person opposite you as well as what he can cope with at that moment. “Sometimes she actually did find out what the reason for something was and realized how important it was to follow Anna’s advice. She is grateful for every piece of advice that Anna gives her. Loreen wants to be able to help other people one day, too, and is glad about every conversation and the ceremonies that they attend together.

Now she can hardly wait to get going because she knows that Anna will tell her a lot. It’s always been different every single time and she never knows beforehand what the topic will be. Sometimes Loreen was lucky and Anna answered her questions. Step by step, she slowly got to know Anna a bit better, a feat that was not easy. You can talk for hours to Anna without ever learning who she is, where she is from and where she is heading to. But every conversation is also a lesson with new insight. Up until now, Loreen has always received a few more pieces of the puzzle which she painstakingly put together. Just when she thought she might have found the solution, Anna would give her another riddle and all the pieces would fall like a house of cards. Sometimes Loreen even had the feeling that the whole thing was just a game which amused Anna.

But today Loreen senses an opportunity. She has a half a day’s time. The sun is shining over the cloudless, white and blue sky. Finally, the time has come. Almost an hour has passed when Anna finally comes. They get in the car and start driving. “We’ll have to stop again in between. There is still something to do. “Loreen has lost patience. She knows that Anna is going to have a small ceremony en route. That will add at least another half an hour or even more. She asks, “We have to be there on time. How are we going to make it? We’re already late as it is! “Anna smiles mischievously and responds, “Don’t worry.” Loreen is flabbergasted. What can she say to that? To get into an argument wouldn’t change a thing anyway.

Loreen is better off thinking of a way to start a reasonable conversation. She wants to know everything about Anna, about her childhood, her experiences, jut everything. Most of all, she wants to know when the first time was that Anna was in contact with Native Americans. Up until now, Loreen had never received a clear answer to that question. Anna constantly answered, “That’s a long story.” Just when Loreen was thinking that she might be luckier today, Anna begins, seemingly unmotivated, to talk.

The sun is shining. It’s a hot summer’s day, the air is clear and the sky so blue. I’m six years old and going into the garden, just like every day. The neighbor’s chickens are already lying in wait. They know that I always find the last chickweed in the sand and that I will pull it out and throw it over the fence for them. It’s the only green feed that they get. I run happily to the fence and am glad to see how the chickens are fighting for it. I pull and pull until there is no more chickweed to be found. Then I sit on the light, sandy ground and watch the chickens while they eat. What a sight. Automatically, the corners of my mouth turn upwards.

Suddenly I hear loud barking. Of course, I almost forgot. It’s Bella, who is claiming her right to food. Naturally, I have something for the dog, too. Even though it’s just a piece of dry bread, Bella wags her tail and looks gratefully up to me. I sit on the sandy ground and watch Bella for a long time. At that time, I was actually afraid of dogs but Bella was different. She was a beautiful, pure-bred German Shepherd and I felt sorry for her. She was always chained and only had a small cage. Would she bite me if she were free? At any rate, I was very cautious in the beginning.

This time I have a piece of sausage with me. I took it from the fridge and will probably get in trouble for it but I don’t care. I throw a piece to Bella but it gets stuck in the fence and then finally falls to the ground so that she can’t reach it. I feel sad about that and reach through the chain link to retrieve it. Suddenly Bella starts barking and jumping around wildly. I start getting scared. A hornet is flying near my face. I start to fling my arms around wildly but my one arm is stuck in the fence. I can’t free myself. Bella starts getting wilder and finally manages to tear herself free. All I see then is blood and I pass out.

I begin dreaming. I’m lying on the ground in the middle of the desert. There is a wolf next to me who is guarding me. Every now and then he lifts his head and howls. Then everything becomes dark around me. At one point, I feel something warm on my cheek, as if someone was wiping my face with a warm cloth. I open my eyes and see the wolf in front of me again but this time I’m not afraid. Evening has fallen in the meantime. The sun is beginning to set. I observe the wolf and don’t entirely understand what has happened. How did he get here? I rub my eyes and feel a sharp, burning pain on my left forearm. Slowly, I begin to understand. I sit up and take a look what happened.

I have suffered a deep laceration on my left forearm. My whole dress is full of blood. Bella jumped over the fence and licked my wound the whole time. I am no longer bleeding. Bella is sitting watchfully next to me and waiting. I put my arms around her and am happy. She saved me. Bella is not a dog, she is a wolf. Now all I care about is not getting into trouble. Bella has torn herself free from the chain. This is bad. If the neighbors find out about this, they will have her put down! It looks as if she had injured me when in fact, she was my rescuer! So I run to the water tap in the garden and rinse out my dress. Then I get myself dirty so that no one notices the blood. I jump over the neighbors’ fence and hope that Bella will do the same. She just sits happily and waits. She doesn’t want to go back to her leash.

I then decide to fall to the ground so that Bella feels she has to come back to me. But she just won’t jump. She walks over to the fence instead and paws the ground until she has a large hole under which she crawls. I’m relieved, of course, and chain her up again. Then I try to climb back over. But the neighbors are already standing next to me and are holding me tight. I remain rooted to the ground and can’t say a word. “What were you thinking?” asks the owner. “I felt sorry for Bella. I wanted to play with her.” “You’re bleeding.” He noted with horror. “I only cut myself on the fence. Please don’t call the police, please don’t!! Please don’t tell my parents, please! I’ll do anything you want!” The neighbors seem to have pity on me. “And how do you think you can make up for this?” asks the neighbor. The only thing that I can think of is “I’ll take Bella out for walks.”

he couple look at each other, speechlessly. In the meantime, Bella has positioned herself between us and is wagging her tail enthusiastically. She looks from one to the other and begs. The neighbors begin to grin but the wife then says, quite seriously “Ok, if you really want to do that you have to ask your parents’ permission. But then you are committing yourself to go for a walk once a week with Bella, always at the same time.” Totally fired up, I jump up and Bella, too, is excited. She jumps up, goes back and forth, and wags her tail. The husband then adds “Good. Come over at 5 on the dot tomorrow. If you’re not allowed to take her for a walk, then you have to pull weeds for us. Off you go, home. Your parents are waiting for you, for sure”. I say good-bye and run home. “Thank you!!” I call out and disappear.

By the time I got home my dress has dried and the blood really does look like dirt. “Anna, dinner time!” my mother calls. Is it that late already? I have to go, even if it is hard to do so. I have to sit with my family at the table and eat dinner, on the dot, like always. But I don’t really feel hungry and I would really rather stay outside and play with my new friend Bella. I’ll probably get into trouble because of my dirty dress. It’s always like that when I come home with spots on my clothes. To top it all off, my brothers are all sitting at the table, too.

Thomas and Christian were identical twins. They were gorgeous, had broad shoulders, they were slim and tall. In the summer, they were tanned. That’s when their blue eyes looked so bright beneath their light blond hair. They were four years older than me and stuck together like glue. For them, I was only the little sister who had no say and whom they had to look after. That was annoying and it kept them from having fun. After all, they weren’t really into girls. It was exhausting, I can tell you!

But on this day I had a special goal. I had to convince my parents to allow me to take Bella out for walks. I was pretty sure that they would not allow it. But this time would be different. My parents were very busy and having a hard time scraping together enough money for our livelihood. That made time with their children very rare. It probably was very timely for them to fulfill a long-awaited wish as compensation for me. And that was the beginning of a long friendship between Bella, my wolf, and me.

A little while later, it was vacation time, my parents had to work and the neighbors had gone on a trip with Bella. So I was alone with my brothers again and I had to obey them. They are going to hold it against me again that they have to look after me, I thought. We often fought. The two of them were mostly angry at me because they always had to look after me. I could only hope that Mrs. Steinfurt, the house owner, would be there.

Mrs. Steinfurt was like a grandmother to me and lived with her husband in the apartment on the ground floor. He was already quite old and spent most of his time in bed. He could only walk outside with a cane. She looked after the garden and was often outside. Sometimes they were strict, like when they were having their afternoon nap and I was rollerskating with friends near the outside wall of the house. Often there was trouble when I kicked my soccer ball with all my might against the wooden fence, but they did a lot for me. Sometimes I was allowed to stay with them and we would cook together or even play. On special days, Mrs. Steinfurt would play different pieces on the piano for me. In the winter, they even made an ice rink for me so that I could skate. I have never forgotten that!

I I lived with my parents and brothers in a small apartment on the top floor of that two-family house. The house was located in a composers’ quarter on the outskirts of Vienna in Lower Austria. We had to share a room with our parents. In the kitchen, there was just room enough for a table and washing bowls, a wood burning stove to cook on, a small sideboard and a fridge.

We also had a small shelf, which our father made himself, for our toys. He was not a very tall man, but he had beautiful black wavy hair. He was still visibly muscled from all the sport he had done in his youth. As the years passed by, sports were replaced by his concentration on his job and his family for whom he did everything. His family had become his purpose in life, even though he often went on business trips and seldom was at home. Even when he was not away on business trips he often came home late from work. In his spare time, he repaired bicycles for the neighborhood or he played badminton with my mother.

My mother worked as well, which meant that I was often alone with my brothers after school. My mother was quite short and was well-equipped with feminine curves. She was passionate and gushed energy and enthusiasm. She could handle any situation, even when she was alone with us children. Naturally, there were times when we had harsh discussions because even in those days I had to have the final say. I just had my own mind.

Soon after I tried to avoid arguments and found my own surroundings. I used every free minute to go and visit my friends and to play outside. There was a little forest nearby with tall trees and bushes. They provided great shelter as a secret hideout. We built little apartments under the bushes. We drew the rooms in the soil and we filled the spots marked as the bed and the couch with leaves. Then we collected golden rod, and used the blossoms and leaves to cook in the little kitchen. We used the rods to make bows and arrows. We stretched string onto the rods to make them. And then we went on the hunt. That meant that we put several arrows in our pockets and ran around wildly. Whenever we saw something “suspicious”, we took out our arrows and shot them with our bows. We held competitions to try to hit the target.

Sometimes, if I was lucky, Ralf had time for me. He lived only a 20 minutes walking distance from me. His had bright red and fair skin with lots of freckles. He was slim and already a lot taller than me. He was a good horseman and showed me his paddock and his favorite horse. Ralf’s parents had a large farm with a meadow and five horses. I loved feeding them. My parents couldn’t afford to pay for riding lessons.

Over time it happened that I was basically only home for meals. I was happy about every moment I spent in the little forest or with my friends. I had set up my own little spot at home, too. I often sat on the floor of the little kitchen or even directly under the table and played with my toy Indians. When I played cowboys and Indians, the Indians always won, that was a given.

One night, I had another dream. I saw myself standing on the street. I was not well. Tears fell down my cheeks. The sun was blinding me and I looked to the sky. Suddenly, a huge face blocked out the sun. It was an old man with a craggy face. It was a Native American chief with a mighty feather headdress. He took my one hand and with the other caressed me softly on my cheek. “Don’t be afraid. The Native Americans will protect you. A white horse will come to you and give you strength. Take him with you, into your heart. He will protect you wherever you go. He will ease your pain and help you when you are not well.” I look at the chief, baffled. I can’t say a word and am standing with an open mouth opposite him. He probably read my mind because he then asked “You probably want to know who I am?” I nod. “I am Swimming Bear, your father. When the time is right, we will meet.” And then he left as quickly as he came.

I awoke and could hardly open my mouth. It was swollen and hurt so much I almost screamed. I went to emergency with my mother to see a dentist, who saw me right away. I still had my baby teeth at that time but they caused me a lot of trouble. The front of my lower jaw had to be opened with a long incision. I screamed with pain. I had a bandage put on that had to be changed daily.

After I left the dentist’s, we went to a toy shop next door. I was allowed to choose one Indian figure and I was so excited about this that I forgot my pain. I called out, “Mama, Mama, I need a white horse! It will help me so I won’t have any pain anymore.” “Where did you get that idea? “, my mother wanted to know. “Swimming Bear told me.” She looked at me, appalled. “Who?” “Well, Swimming Bear, the Indian Chief told me so.” She probably thought that may imagination got the best of me again and made the sales clerk show her selection of Indians and horses on the counter. I took a look at them all and said, “There’s my white horse, thank you Swimming Bear.” My mother just shook her head and bought me the Indian and the horse as well. It was a splendid white horse. I couldn’t let go of it, kissed its head, and hugged it close. It helped me to overcome the pain. It gave me comfort and confidence. From that moment on, it went with me wherever I went.

My mother wanted to bake a cake and asked me to get the flour out of the cupboard below the sink. As soon as I bent down, the wound tore open again. It just wouldn’t stop bleeding. I had to stand up and rinse out my mouth. Then I took my horse in my hand again. The pulsating pain began to slowly subside. I was even allowed to go into the living room today. I was always allowed to go there when I wasn’t feeling very well. I was even allowed to sit on the couch in the living room, which was normally only reserved for Sundays or holidays. Of course, once I felt better again, the old rules applied.

One day my father brought two bowls of plaster home. I had no idea what this meant. He mixed the plaster with water and explained to me that we were going to cast a mold of Buddha together and that then we would paint it in gold and bronze. I was really curious about that. I had often seen this figure and had even read a little bit about it. It was a great honor for me to be doing this. I spent hours, days and weeks making this figure. Every day I took a look at this masterpiece and was enthralled. It was a great feeling to hold and feel Buddha in my hands. He radiated something special. I didn’t know exactly what it was but it was pleasant and that was enough for me at that moment. I would have loved to have displayed it in my own glass cabinet so that Buddha would have had its rightful place but I couldn’t even have dreamed of having my own room back then.

Sometimes, when I was all alone, I secretly went into the living room. Today was such a day because it was vacation time and my parents were at work. Nobody was at home and I grabbed the opportunity. I could hear beautiful music coming from below. It was Mrs. Steinfurt, our landlord. I smiled and was happy to hear the sound. I lay on the floor and pressed my ear hard to the floor boards so that I could listen. All of a sudden I could hear no more, there was complete silence. A few minutes later the doorbell rang. I was scared to death. My heart started to pound. My only thought was: I hope it’s not a stranger. I cautiously opened the door and found Mrs. Steinfurt there. I was so relieved and knew immediately that it was going to be a good day.

I was allowed to go into her beautiful living room again. The piano stool was adjusted to my height just like the last time and I was left to play piano, just to play whatever I wanted. It was like a dream. Afterwards, we went out into the garden to look at the anemones. Mrs. Steinfurt told me, as she often did, that these flowers were named after me – after Anna. I knew that this wasn’t true but it pleased me every time, just the same.

I loved plants and animals. It was nicest to be outside, that’s where I was free. Sometimes I hung from the thin, rod-like branches of the huge willow tree when the Steinfurts weren’t at home. I swung from one side to the other, just as I had learned from Tarzan. I loved these adventures.

My family sometimes went camping in the summer. We spent days at Lake Neusiedl where we sailed in a small boat along the canals. I loved the lake. It was huge and there were many children there. We could play ball on the sun-bathing lawns, we went swimming and sometimes we even had an ice cream. But it always ended all too soon.

Eventually, not only the vacations ended but also our lovely times spent in nature. We moved to the big city, to Vienna, to a huge apartment building with many entrances and fellow occupants. I knew that I might never see my friends again. It was all over for me. I had to go along with them whether I wanted to or not. There was no more garden, no weeping willow, no horses, no hideouts, and no piano. There weren’t even any camping vacations anymore because my parents sold the boat.

City Life in Vienna and nature

“There were just too many cars in Vienna. To top it off, I had to go to a new school. I felt abandoned and lonely without my friends. I was eleven years old in the meantime but still very much a child. The girls here wore make up, some even smoked. Some went to discos and to bars. They formed cliques and wanted to go out with boys. Deep down in my heart I thought to myself: What am I going to do? Why do I have to live here? And above all: when can I leave?

Luckily, I soon met Maria and Elvira. They knew the area very well and were not interested in dancing and make up. They loved nature, too, and showed me that there were places here to have adventures as well. There was even a small park and little brooks with several tributaries. We set out together to explore the area and to discover my new world. We climbed trees and observed nature. Last but not least, we founded a secret society. Anybody who wanted to join had to have enough courage to jump in shorts from a fallen tree stump into a bunch of high nettles. We built dams and in the winter, we skated on the ice of the Nesselbach when it had frozen over. Whenever we could, we stayed outside until it got dark. The best thing was when certain things went undiscovered, such as our home-made tents made of small branches and leaves and our secret hideout or that we fell through thin ice.

I found new passions in music and sport. I spent a good deal of my free time playing ping pong, volleyball and track and field athletics. I trained really hard three to five times a week and went to a lot of competitions, as well. I started to play the guitar at school when the recorder – which was the standard musical instrument of almost every pupil at school – became too boring. It was always my dream to study piano or the flute at university. But circumstances did not allow for that. So I concentrated on the guitar for the moment but soon discovered that my voice wasn’t good enough to accompany it. Because a piano was just not in my family’s financial books, my dream of studying music just wouldn’t come true.

I then concentrated on the subjects that were easy for me. Basically, those were all the science subjects like math, physics, and chemistry. My future developmental path seemed to be clear from then on, even though deep down it didn’t really appeal to me. I never had to try hard. Those subjects came easily to me so that I could at least involve myself more in my hobbies. But it didn’t really make me happy.

One night, I had another dream. I’m lying on the couch and can’t move. Suddenly I see a bright light coming towards me. I see Buddha in front of me but this time he looks completely different. He has a book in his left hand, which is embedded in beautiful flowers. In his right hand, he has a flaming fire sword. He penetrated all that is dark with it. Wherever he is, there is light. I wake up, irritated. What was that? I asked myself, who was that? Was that Buddha? With this experience, I felt inspired to study and go my own way.

So I used this time to train some more. I played ping pong almost day and night. A trainer was assigned to me to help me to further target my accomplishments. I participated in a few tournaments, too.”

Loreen interrupts the story teller, excitedly. “A few? You headed the Women’s Team even though you were only twelve and actually still a child!” Anna smiles. “Yes, that’s true. But at the time I thought nothing of it and even now that doesn’t seem like such a big thing to me. There is always somebody who is better than you somewhere. Well, at least I got an offer from a sports high school. I guess I had a good amount of speed in my right arm and was a candidate for the javelin, which had to be trained at an early age. They tried to get me to go to speed skating, too. But I didn’t like that at all, what I loved most of all was track and field. I wanted to concentrate on long jump and sprints. Just the thought of ever having the figure of a javelin thrower or the thighs of the masculine-looking speed skating women was enough for me to not waste a moment on contemplating these types of sport.

I was promoted even further and ended up at a competition in St. Gallen. Loreen can’t hold back yet again. “You once told me that only the very best athletes from selected age groups at your school could participate! That’s not just any old competition!” Anna must grin again. “You’re exaggerating! Above all, I was just happy to miss four days of school. That was reason enough to join. Twenty of us took a big bus to St. Gallen. We were housed in big bungalows on camping grounds with shared bathrooms. The hosts slept at home.

They were tough but good competitions; I still can see it before my eyes: the competition is running great for me. I win the javelin throw easily. But that is not so important because I just want to watch the others. I admire talented athletes, whose level I will probably never attain. During the breaks at the competitions I sit with my friends in the first row and watch the athletes. I notice a black-haired boy. He was really unlucky and came in second in long jump and sprints. Actually, he was the favorite to win but he had almost the same time in the spring and it was just by a tad that he lost the long jump. He is angry and disappointed. He’s standing directly in front of us, swearing and would probably have loved to throw his medal away. I had to laugh aloud at the sight. He notices and gives me the evil eye. My laughing makes him angrier. I spontaneously run over to him and give him my medal. He is still boiling mad, standing with wide eyes in front of me and he doesn’t know what to say. I say: “I mean it. Take my medal. It will remind you of us and our days here together.” He stands perplexed and hands his silver medal over to me. “My name is Michael. What’s yours?” “Anna.” We look at each other for a long time and we both say nothing. Each of us goes back to our teams. There was something about him. Maybe it was because he was so good in the sport disciplines that I admired.

At the end of the tournament there was a day trip to Lake Constance complete with a boat ride. We crossed the border to Germany. I was sitting on a bench with a friend on the ship’s deck when my eyes fell on Michael. In the meantime, I had learned that he was from Switzerland and that he lived not far from where the tournament was being held. Whatever it was that I was doing, I couldn’t stop myself from looking at him. He was tall and slim with bony shoulders and strong muscles, a broad back and short, black wavy hair. He probably already has a girlfriend, I thought. That evening we even ended up sitting at the same table and we began to talk. Later on we exchanged addresses. I took pictures of him, again and again. But that didn’t mean anything, I didn’t want to have any illusions about it. We lived far away from each other. I wasn’t even sure if we would even see each other again.

When I got back, I had decided to concentrate entirely on ping pong and to have my other sports just as sideliners. I increased my ping pong training workload of many hours to four to five days per week. I had numerous private lessons and was actively promoted. And that was not all. I soon got to know my trainer’s entire family and the Kowatzek’s house became my home away from home. They had a huge property that was close to the edge of the woods. Their house was still being built and I helped every weekend. I tiled the roof, I built walls, I plastered and nailed wooden planks. I had a lot of fun watching the house grow.

As a reward, I was sometimes allowed to use their car and explore the area. And this even though I had just got my driver’s license. I was very proud of that. I often drove the car to go swimming with friends or to go to the ice cream parlor in the neighboring town. Sometimes I was allowed to take the car to a drive-in. But even without a car, there was enough adventure around. There were two small but glass-clear lakes that had trees right up to the water’s edge. The next village had a population of two hundred and most of the time you didn’t see anybody. There were no thousands of people here with expensive cars and big city attitudes. There were almost no well-dressed people here. It was completely different than in the big city. Here, you could even go swimming alone and completely unobserved. It was heaven on earth for me because I was such a keen swimmer and loved nature above all other things. There was only one supermarket in this place and otherwise only farmers who grew crops and raised animals. Part of the time I felt like I was living in a time zone fifty years back. I got to know a famer family and made new friends. At least during the weekends, I was happy and satisfied.

Sometime I helped get the hay in that was still cut using a scythe. Their tractor had antique value. It was from the 20’s of the last century and still had a crank to start it up. It was gorgeous, a real vintage car. In late summer, we went out together in the woods to gather mushrooms. In the meantime, I knew the forest like the back of my hand and could gather enough for a meal in a short period of time. Then we would cook and gather together.

Soon enough I had the opportunity of spending a weekend alone in the house. You heard right – I was allowed to stay in the Kowatzek’s home while they were on vacation! My host gave his consent and asked me to make sure that everything was in order the following weekend. That was real adventure. There were no toilets in the house yet and the beds were on the second floor and could only be reached by using a four-meter ladder. I was so happy I could have jumped for joy. I had to take advantage of the situation. But I was still a bit afraid of being all alone in the house. Lena crossed my mind, the daughter of the farming Gedlitschuck Family, we got along well together. I had to try and spend the weekend with her. I ran off immediately to the farming family Gedlitschuck. At the entrance, there was a two-meter-high wooden fence through which one couldn’t see. When I got to the farm, the dogs began barking at me. Thank God, they were chained und couldn’t bite me.

The family had many cows, some pigs, and chickens. In the middle of the farmyard there was a large dung heap. To the right there were the cowsheds and to the left there was the entry to the house. Out front there was a table with some chairs. I went in the house and straight to the kitchen. As usual, the family was sitting together for a meal and they were discussing what still had to be done. I prayed that Lena would have some time and that I could tempt her to go and get an ice cream with me. Then I would be able to ask her if she could free herself to spend a few days with me.

I was warmly welcomed and of course I had to sit down to eat first. I knew that I was powerless. I had to eat with them. I didn’t find that so difficult, really. Mrs. Gedlitschuck’s cooking was always so delicious and fresh, so it was a real pleasure. I had brought in the hay so often with them and helped them so that they were always trying to find ways to thank me. Now they had their chance. I beamed from ear to ear. The weekend was a sure thing. And we were allowed to go to the ice cream parlor, too. We were thrilled. You could go through thick and thin with Lena. But she didn’t really suit country living. She was corpulent, she had short, thick black hair and like me, dark brown eyes. We gulped down the last bits of cake before we took off. Lena always had a lot to tell and was raving about the big city. It was a big deal for her even to just get out of the village for a few hours. I was just as happy. I can drive on my own, what luck!

It’s a hot summer’s day. We roll down the windows and get started. We’re already planning our weekend. I’d have to come with the bus though and we would only be in the village. That would be enough for us. Lena got some music organized as well as food. There are enough drinks in the house, there won’t be any problems. We treat ourselves to a sundae and enjoy every last bite. Lena is constantly looking out for boys so that I have to smile to myself. I can only think of Michael myself and whether I will ever see him again. So I just simply sit there enjoying myself, eating my ice cream and luxuriating in my freedom. Time flies.

There’s still a lot to do because everything is focused on next weekend. The week flies by. Finally, the time has come. For me it is a long trip by train and then by bus, which only goes three times a day. It’s hot and I’m sweating. I’ve still got a long walk ahead of me. Once I arrive, I open up the house and walk in. It’s so comfortably cool in here. I drink a Coke really quickly and run over to Lena’s house. I think to myself, we absolutely must go swimming today. Once I get to the farm, I see Lena who is just cleaning out the stable. So much for going swimming.

Lena is quite fed up and can hardly wait to get away. Her brother then arrives and they exchange a warm hello. Felix is a thin fellow but a real work horse. He is five years older than me but already has deep wrinkles in his face. His body is gaunt and already aged. There’s always a cigarette in the corner of his mouth. I don’t know him any other way. He shoos Lena away, saying “You can take my moped to go swimming, if you want. Meanwhile I’ll help clear out the stables, ok?” Lena jumps up, throws everything to the side and hugs him tight, thanking him. She then runs in to the house to get washed up and change her clothes. Felix is building himself a house on an inherited piece of land nearby. He works night and day. “Tonight, there’s a drive-in movie in the next village. If you want, you can have my car and go there. You can bring it back in the morning, that’s soon enough.” “Wow, really? Are you serious?” I answered. “If I say so!” “Oh my God, thank you!” I’m both touched and happy at the same time.

Lena was just arriving at that moment. Her hair is wet and her back underneath her t-shirt is, too. She’s grinning from ear to ear. Felix briefly explains how the moped works, and then I drive a few rounds to try it out. It’s a great feeling. We are ready for takeoff. Lena sits on the back and we head out to the lake. Lena is already wearing her bathing suit because she is embarrassed to wear a bikini. We lay our beach towels on the sand, we chat and sunbathe and just enjoy ourselves. We go for a long swim, play ball and have lots of fun. The beach starts to get empty late in the afternoon and it is time to head home. We drive back.

I’m driving along the road, straight ahead. All of a sudden the moped starts to lurch from side to side. I’m sweating just trying to keep the moped straight. I scream behind me “What’s going on?” because the tail wagging just won’t stop. I hardly know how to keep the moped on the road and call out again “Lena, what in heaven’s name is happening?” Lena just laughs and says “My leg has fallen asleep. I have to stretch it out every now and then.” “Are you crazy? I can hardly keep the moped straight. Do you want us to crash?” After all, I’m just a feather weight compared to Lena so I can’t easily steer in the other direction. Thank God Lena understands this and hardly moves at all anymore. I’m so relieved because I really don’t want broken bones or scrapes. After all, we are driving without helmets and only in t-shirts and skirts. We arrive unharmed at the farm and the family awaits us. The smell of coffee is in the air. The whole family is already at the table and is eating. So we have to have coffee and cake, too, even though I’m not hungry. But Lena is thrilled.

After coffee, I help get in the grass with Felix. Some fresh dandelion has to be cut for the rabbits today, too. We head out on the tractor. Felix takes the big scythe, sharpens and gets to work. I rake the freshly cut dandelion and clover together. It starts to get dark slowly and we head home. I have a quick shower and get Felix’s car and we’re off. We have to drive 20 kilometers to get to the movies. When we get there, it is almost full and it is difficult to find a spot. The movie is a thriller, we eat popcorn and drink Coke. Then we head home.

We’re driving along a straight road that is surrounded by dense forests. It’s a narrow, paved road that slopes down on both sides. I put on my high beams so that I can see better. Suddenly, a deer bursts out of the forest and crosses the road. I am puzzled and slow down. Time seems to stand still. The deer is standing directly in front of us and because of our headlights we can see it very clearly. The deer is just a few centimeters away from us when it suddenly decides to run to the other side of the road and disappears. I am speechless and utterly fascinated by the deer. It hasn’t struck me yet that we just missed being involved in a big accident. I just see the peaceful deer and thank God.

I must have had such a guardian angel in that moment. Lena has gone very quiet. But she doesn’t seem to be afraid. There’s something strange in the air. I’m driving more carefully now to avoid any further collisions. After a few minutes, we resume talking, as if nothing had happened. Slowly I’m realizing that I was just short of totaling Felix’s car and injuring Lena. We both could have died. It was just a tiny moment. It was a matter of millimeters. Wow. Let’s rush home now and chat a bit or watch some TV.

We go to the property. It’s so dark that you can’t even see your hand in front of your face. I leave my headlights on so we can find the entrance and unlock the door. We enter the house and put all the lights on first. Then I turn off my headlights, lock the car and go in the house. I’m a little afraid and glad to be inside with Lena. We talk for a bit, drink a bottle of wine together and are a little tipsy.

What you need to know, Loreen, is that we were just over eighteen and had never really had any experience with alcohol. Neither of us could take much alcohol but we were certainly happy. We repressed the episode with the deer and the ‘almost accident’, we didn’t agree to anything officially but we never spoke about it again. It was our secret forever, without ever having arranged that out loud.

A few hours later I have to go out because there are no toilets in the house yet. It’s hard for me because I am very much afraid of the dark. Lena has already fallen asleep and is peaceful. So, I climb down the ladder to the ground floor, unlock the door and go out. I hesitate as I go and listen to every single sound. I sense every blade of grass, I feel every breeze. Slowly my eyes grow accustomed to the darkness and I become more aware of my surroundings. After having done what I intended to do, a pleasant sensation comes over me. A gentle breeze touches my body. It seems to have become lighter somehow. I look up to the sky. It’s dark blue and the stars and twinkling at me. I recognize the Great Bear, just as I learned in astronomy. The moon has risen and shines like a lantern. All my fear has disappeared. I feel free, and enjoy the darkness and the joy of being alone in nature. My hands go to my face and feel tears. Somebody must have watched over me today. The only thing I can do is send my thoughts to the heavens and say Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I would have loved to have spent the entire night outside. But I couldn’t do that to Lena. So I go back into the house, climb up the ladder and can’t believe my eyes. Lena took a pack of cigarettes with her and is in the process of lighting one up. She asks me if I want one, too. She would only get in trouble at home and nobody will know any better here. At that moment, I just didn’t know what to say. I’m just tired and am worried that the house will burn down due to carelessness or that it will smell of smoke long after we have gone. I ask her only to be very careful and to make sure to stub out her cigarette properly. She’s ok with that. By now it’s two in the morning and we get ready for bed.

There’s not a lot of time to sleep because the birds wake us up very early. It’s bright outside and the sunshine is pouring into our room. I sadly get up. It’s the beginning of our departure and so we pack our things up and head off. At the farm, everybody is waiting for us with breakfast ready. We sit together for a long time until the church bells ring. I say goodbye to everyone and warmly thank them all, I quickly look after the flowers in the garden and begin my return home.

A rabbit runs across the field as I head for the bus stop. I have to smile. There are so many animals here, not like in the big city where concrete surrounds you. After this wonderful weekend away, I have to come to terms again with typical big city life. I find it difficult to resign myself to this fact but I am looking forward to next weekend.

Unfortunately, Lena chose to continue her education in Graz so that that was the last time that we had fun together. As time went by we lost contact with each other. Our worlds were just too different.”

Freedom and Research