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This book is being released because God has been urging me for a long time to release healing through this book. Divorce is considered to be unforgivable to many Christian beliefs. For many months this book has been in the process. Healing After Divorce is for more than the divorced person but also those who want to find God's heart concerning the topics of divorce and remarriage. Before we get started I want you to know it is true that God HATES divorce and we should never jump at the first opportunity to divorce the one we once loved. If you are ever going to consider the blessing of Holy Matrimony then this book can help you to avoid the missteps that lead to divorce. There is a lot that we are going to get into so may you receive revelation for yourself and let it set you free as you read Healing After Divorce.
 

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Healing After Divorce

Healing After Divorce

(Second Edition)

Grace, Mercy and Remarriage

Bill Vincent

© 2016 by Bill Vincent.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publishers, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine or journal.

Revival Waves of Glory Books & Publishing has allowed this work to remain exactly as the author intended, verbatim, without editorial input.

All Scripture quotations are from the Authorized King James Version of the Bible unless otherwise noted.

Softcover: 978-1-5425-1487-3

PUBLISHED BY REVIVAL WAVES OF GLORY BOOKS & PUBLISHING

www.revivalwavesofgloryministries.com

Litchfield, IL

Published in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter One The Church’s Position

Chapter Two Practices in the Church

Chapter Three Recovery from Divorce

Chapter Four The Source of Divorce

Chapter Five Standing and Waiting

Chapter Six The Real Issues

Chapter Seven A Transformed Mind

Chapter Eight Reflection is Important

Chapter Nine God’s Bride

Chapter Ten Creative Reasoning

Chapter Eleven Saving Your Marriage

Chapter Twelve Reconciliation

Chapter Thirteen The Structure of Divorce

Chapter Fourteen Until It Breaks

Chapter Fifteen What is God’s Will?

Chapter Sixteen God Honors Obedience

Chapter Seventeen Life is Short

Chapter Eighteen Love God

Chapter Nineteen Divorce’s Impact

Chapter Twenty What to do?

Chapter Twenty One Where is Your Treasure

Chapter Twenty Two Cultivating Strong Marriages

Chapter Twenty Three Divorce Can Limit Our Potential

Chapter Twenty Four My Story and Divorce Transition

About the Author

Recommended Books

Dedication

I dedicate this book to my Wife Tabitha and our new Baby Arianna Grace Vincent. If it wasn’t for the healing power of God of past relationships my Wife and I would not have experienced the joy of this beautiful girl. I love you Arianna and I love you Tabitha my first real love.

Introduction

This book is being released because God has been urging me for a long time to release healing through this book. Divorce is considered to be unforgivable to many Christian beliefs. For many months this book has been in the process. This book is for more than the divorced person but also those who want to find God’s heart concerning the topics of divorce and remarriage. Before we get started I want you to know it is true that God HATES divorce and we should never jump at the first opportunity to divorce the one we once loved. There is a lot that we are going to get into so may you receive revelation for yourself and let it set you free as you read LIFE AFTER DIVORCE.

What does the Bible and God really say about divorce and remarriage. God doesn’t want us bound by the false traditions of men, so this book gives specifics to help anyone looking for answers. The restoration of troubled marriages is still God’s first priority. We also will see Biblical answers given on how we can, with the help of the Lord, overcome the negative emotions of grief, anger, depression, bitterness, unforgiveness, and rejection, so we can live the happy, fruitful, and abundant lives that God desires for all of his children!

Chapter OneThe Church’s Position

This topic of the Church’s Position is what this whole book was originally written for. I Want to help to give you a clear picture of some things to understand in your healing process. There are thousands of Christians who struggle with the issue of divorce on a daily basis. They receive different and often conflicting information from their friends and even their pastors and their churches. In the midst of their emotional pain and confusion, they find themselves wrestling with possible intellectual confusion as well. If you fit into this category, I want to assure you that you are not alone. In this chapter we will examine the Church’s position. There are principles of interpretation of Scripture, that I want to lay out before we start, as I think that they are important to the proper understanding of Scripture. We must not be closed minded as God brings fresh insight of His Word.

First, Scripture should be examined through the eyes of the people to whom it was addressed. This takes into account both their language and their culture. Think about the changes that have occurred even in our short lifetime. This same concept is true for things written thousands of years before us. The teachings of the Scriptures should be viewed in relation to the culture for which they were written. Because certain concepts are already understood in a particular culture, the Scriptures may not mention a key point because it would be unneeded. Scripture is not so complicated that only the local intellects are able to understand it. The basic meaning of Scripture is the clear understanding that an ordinary person would have in the culture in which it was written.

In the Garden of Eden, we see God’s clear and simple design for marriage.

Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Two individuals come together and become one. That’s the deal. And it worked great until someone didn’t like something that his or her spouse did, something that was said, a repeatedly annoying behavior, and so on. Then people began to look for a way out of being one flesh. One thing I want you to understand is that the primary meaning of covenant during this time was an agreement between two parties that was mutually binding. As a part of this covenant or contract, money was exchanged. The groom made payments for the bride, and the bride’s father would give an offering, which was often viewed as her portion of her father’s inheritance. All of this was a part of sealing the deal from a contractual view point. By the time of Moses, things had become messy. During that time, with rare exceptions, men had the right to divorce their wives. Understand that God never instituted divorce. But once the people began to practice it, and abuse the reputations of women, God allowed Moses to give the people instructions. It had become all too common for a man to become displeased with his wife and then send her away. If the woman was sent away, people believed it was because she had been unfaithful or indecent. If a woman was sent away, unfaithful or not, her reputation was ruined. By the time of Moses it had become necessary for God to provide rules on the actions to be followed in situations where divorce occurs, because men were now practicing marriage destruction. Evidently some were doing so, in cruel and heartless ways by putting their wives out without giving them a full legal release. The woman was not permitted by law to marry another husband. Being virtually without personal legal rights, she was ruined. Many women in that situation turned to prostitution as a means of survival. So God gave instruction through Moses that in the case where a man had decided to put away his wife he must give her a written certificate or bill of divorce.

Deuteronomy 24:1 When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

––––––––

The husband had no further claim on her, could not demand that she return, and could not dishonor her reputation by saying that she had left by her own choice. Once the woman had been given this certificate, she was free to remarry. The only limitation was that she could not marry her lover or the person with whom she was suspected of committing adultery, if this had in fact been the issue of divorce. While we find Moses’ instructions for how to handle divorce, we have to remember that God despised what men and women were doing to each other. By the end of the Old Testament, unfaithfulness was out of control, and not just in marriages. People had made unfaithfulness to God, and each other, a way of life. God is more than crystal clear when He spoke through the prophet Malachi.

Malachi 2:16 "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." (NAM)

Malachi 2:16 For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. (KJV)

He hates the unfaithfulness in marriages. Malachi even implies that, when we break the covenant with our spouse, God will no longer pay attention to our offering.

After a closer look at scripture the law of marriage changed drastically. Men and women were both able to divorce at will and needed no grounds to do so. A woman would lose her offering if she was divorced for adultery and a man would have to return the offering plus a half if he committed adultery, but divorce for other grounds was without any penalty. All of this contributed to a great deal of instability within the institution of marriage.

Based on a passage in Exodus 21 regarding obligations in marriage, the rabbis during the time of Jesus generally believed that the following were appropriate grounds for divorce: childlessness, material neglect, emotional neglect, and unfaithfulness. Following what would have been considered a valid divorce, remarriage was generally accepted. If it took place following an invalid divorce, it was considered adultery.

Josephus acknowledged that the sole purpose for a marriage was to procreate. Based upon this premise, infertility was therefore considered by some to be a ground for divorce. Any couple who did not have children within ten years of marriage was expected to divorce. Each party was to remarry someone with whom they might be fertile. However, there were rabbis who argued against this practice. The stain of adultery continued in the New Testament. While a person could marry a divorcee or widow, if the woman had been divorced because of adultery, the couple often faced a great shame. There were two primary thoughts regarding the matter of divorce, and these adopted quite opposite views. As you might expect, this led to great controversy, debate, and, of course, confusion and uncertainty. The two positions were developed primarily from different interpretations of one passage of Scripture, in particular.

Deuteronomy 24:1 When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

The instructions continue on from there. The two words that have formed the basis for this controversy are some uncleaness.

Jesus walked onto this stage of debate in Matthew 19 when the Pharisees came to ask Him about this matter. They wanted to know if it was all right for married couples to divorce using the any reason argument. Jesus’ response was a resounding, NO! I want you to notice here that Jesus didn’t buy into the rabbinical debate. He was making God’s position from the beginning clear, as I quoted from Genesis earlier. He acknowledged that Moses allowed divorce because of people’s hard, stubborn hearts but that God’s plan was that two people should remain together. He allows for divorce in the case of adultery, but it is interesting to note that even then, it is not commanded but allowed. It would almost appear to imply that the innocent party could forgive the offending spouse and should perhaps only invoke this exception if the guilty party continues his or her sinful pattern, refusing to repent of that lifestyle and embrace one of faithfulness. Much has been written regarding the idea that if a man divorces his wife for a reason other than unfaithfulness.

Matthew 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

It is possible that Jesus was talking about how people will perceive this woman and her new husband. By divorcing his wife for any reason, he is victimizing her. Others will assume and believe the worst possible thing about this woman and may even suspect that her new husband was her lover, and consequently the reason for the divorce. While these facts would be in error, the perception would remain. The apostle Paul gives us additional thoughts on divorce and remarriage when he writes his first letter to the Corinthians.

1 Corinthians 7:10, 11 And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

––––––––

At first glance, it would appear that Paul is making a distinction between a separation and a divorce. However, this difference will disappear when one realizes that in the time that, both men and women could divorce their partner by separation. It was considered a legal divorce. As a matter of fact, if Paul were only talking about separation, then stating that she should not remarry wouldn’t make any sense, because she would still be married. She could not be referred to as unmarried. However, since the separation is actually a divorce, then she would be unmarried. Paul was writing into this context. If divorce happened by this method, it was important that believers did all that they could to turn it around.

Paul continued on in this passage by addressing the issue of remarriage. He stated that when a believer is divorced by a nonbeliever against his will, the believer is not bound in this situation. Paul declared “God has called us in peace.” The practical solution that he proposed is that all those who have been divorced against their will, and who therefore can do nothing to reverse it should be regarded as genuinely divorced; they are no longer bound by their marriage contract and are free to remarry. What if I was divorced by a believer?” I have found many interesting and diverse thoughts regarding this issue. Some would say that the believer is stuck and cannot remarry. Martin Luther “implied that a believer who deserted his or her spouse was worse than an unbeliever.”

Others continue reasoning when they examine the model of discipline that the Church is to follow as discussed in Matthew 18. In this model, the believer who leaves should be privately asked by his or her spouse to return. If he or she refuses, then the spouse is to take a witness with them and make the request again. If the believer still refuses, then he or she is to be taken before the Church and again asked to return. Should the person continue to refuse, he or she is to be withdrawn from Church membership and regarded as an unbeliever. If believers are deserted by believing partners, Paul commands the deserters to return. There appears to be no doubt that the believers will obey this command. Paul does not even discuss the possibility that believing deserters will not return to their partners. If believers did refuse to obey this command, and thereby refuse to obey the direct command of Jesus, the Church would presumably be forced to excommunicate them. While this line of reasoning may seem harsh in the 21st century, I wonder if that is partly because we have become afraid of hurting people’s feelings and don’t want to offend. Church discipline has become a teaching that resides that the Church doesn’t hear any more. We need true teaching with pure discipline. Even the Church has occasionally been guilty of adopting a live-and-let-live policy. Yet, Jesus was very clear about the manner in which the Church should respond to blatant disobedience. Many believe that Jesus referred specifically to adultery and that Paul’s allowance for desertion is a reference to the lack of material and emotional support mentioned in Exodus 21. Regarding remarriage, it has been observed that, The New Testament teaching on remarriage after a valid divorce, is admittedly, ambiguous and unclear. However, remarriage after divorce was a fundamental right in the first-century world and it was often regarded as an obligation. The New Testament writers knew that they would have to articulate their teaching extremely clear and unmistakably if they wanted to teach the opposite of this universally held view.

I have come to understand the teachings of the New Testament, I would sum up them as follows. The Jewish culture held two different positions: divorce for adultery only or divorce for “any reason.” Jesus addressed these arguments when He said that couples are not to divorce for any reason. He clearly stated that from the beginning, God designed a man and a woman to marry, be united, and become one flesh. Once they are married, God has joined them together, and they are to never be separated! However, if one of the individuals practices a lifestyle of unrepentant continued adultery, then a divorce is allowed. Yet, God’s desire is still love, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Paul continued on by saying that couples are not to divorce. If a couple does divorce, they are to either reconcile their marriage or remain single. However, if the believer’s spouse, either a nonbeliever or a believer who refuses to obey Jesus and the discipline of the Church, deserts them, then they are no longer bound and are free to remarry. Yet, while there seem to be clearly allowed grounds for divorce, I again emphasize that God’s desire is not for us to waste our energy looking for loopholes and reasons to get a divorce. The Holy Spirit’s continued conviction is that we intently look for ways to fix, heal, love, forgive, reconcile, restore, and unite our marriage for the remainder of our lives. That, and nothing less, is the focus taught in the New Testament.

Before I go on, I want to note that God does forgive all sins that we sin through repentance. The only sin we can’t be forgiven according to Scripture is blaspheme of the Holy Spirit.

The Catholic Church adopted a position that a true marriage was a religious sacrament that could not be dissolved by legal means. Their view is that divorces are merely a form of legal separation, and remarriage is not permitted. This view in the Catholic Church has continued into the present. One way they have been able to allow some divorces is to say that they weren’t a true marriage. They are able to make this distinction, for example, based upon whether the marriage was performed in the Catholic Church. If it was, the marriage cannot be ended in the eyes of the Church. However, if the marriage was performed in a Protestant Church, by a justice of the peace, or by another means, the Catholic Church may not consider that to be a valid marriage and can grant an annulment. The individuals can then remarry, since they were never really married according to Catholic doctrine.

Another look into a belief is that Divorce, in the sense of a formal, legal pronouncement that a marriage was terminated, always meant the end of that marriage, whether it was done for right reasons or wrong reasons. The notion that a marriage broken for wrong reasons somehow continues to live on in the eyes of God, after formal divorce, is entirely an invention of man and has no basis in Scripture. The explicit statement of God himself is that after the written divorce is given she may go and be another man’s wife. Never in any culture has the divorce decree meant that a marriage remains intact in anyone’s eyes. Neither has it ever meant release for one party from the marriage bond but not the other. All such nonsense came on the scene much later, long after the end of divine revelation and the completion of the Bible. It grew out of great confusion in a period we generally call the dark ages. As you can see, the understanding of what is Biblically allowed and what isn’t didn’t become clearer with time, but only more confusing. Even during the 20th century, we have seen a similar swinging of the doctrine, just in different ways. During the first half of the century, there was a condescending attitude toward those who were divorced. They were often viewed as second-class citizens in the Church. Even if an individual was perceived as a victim, they were still viewed through a filter or stigma of suspicion and were not seen as equal to those who were not divorced. People would question, Can the divorced individual serve? Can they teach Sunday school, sing in the choir, or serve as an elder or deacon? Some were concerned that if divorcees were allowed to serve, others would see this as an endorsement of divorce. The danger is that divorce would become an outbreak. The Church began to offer more grace and understanding. They began to minister to the needs of those hurting because of divorce and examined the specific needs of single parents. Certainly, the Church’s position needs to change. The Church needs to demonstrate grace and see divorcees through God’s eyes. Yet, in doing so, the Church began to stop addressing the sin of divorce. Suddenly, the Church took a hands-off approach. The leadership didn’t want to ask too many questions lest they be seen as judgmental. In other words, love that is a sham. You see, true love is willing to love in the hard times, speak truth, set boundaries, and hold others accountable. But this blanketed unquestioning acceptance was nothing of the sort. Yet, in the world’s eyes, questions and accountability indicated rigid rules and a judgmental attitude. Certainly Christians didn’t want to be accused of that, so we jumped on the everything is OK. Christians began to throw everything under the only God can judge bus, absolving those at fault of all responsibility. It sounds progressively good. The only problem is, this is contrary to the teachings of Jesus, the apostles, and even the Old Testament writers. What a wide swing in a short few decades.