I could puke E-Book

Caro Neuhofer

• Herausgeber: novum publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Seitenzahl: 304

Beschreibung

Caro Neuhofer, 40 years old, married, 2 children, social worker - that was her life 10 years ago. Then she meets Alex, assistant to the care manager of her new client. From then on, everything changes. Caro falls in love with Alex and gives up her old life. The two find each other, grow apart, find each other again. It's a long road to the start of their marriage. But it's worth it - they are overjoyed. Then Caro falls ill and everything changes. Bettina enters Caro and Alex's lives. She needs emotional support. Alex looks after her devotedly. But what about Caro? Alex distances himself from her. Caro begins to write down her feelings and experiences in a diary. Will their marriage survive the bad times after the good ones?

Leseprobe

Foreword

... What do you write? I've never written a foreword before because I've never written a book. I didn't think I could. I love reading, but I've always spared myself the prefaces. Maybe you haven't, so I'm going to write a few words about what I think you could write in a foreword.

First of all, thank you very much for holding this book in your hands and perhaps thinking about reading it. It won't be easy for you, I can already tell you that. Maybe you'll think I'm a complete idiot, maybe some of you will be able to identify with me. Either way, I very much hope that you will be able to bear with me and my weird trains of thought, my self-pity and my heartache until the end. I can't promise you that it will be worth your while to read this book, but I really hope so.

To be on the safe side, I would like to point out that I have changed all the names and places in this book, but everything written here is based on fact. I am taking you on a journey through almost a year of my life, and I hope that it will touch you in some way or perhaps even enrich you.

What else ...? Yes. Famous authors always dedicate their books to someone. I think that's very nice. As you may notice at the end of the book, I'm not kissing anyone's ass anymore. I dedicate this book to ME. Because it's only thanks to me that I am who I am today, no matter how you may judge me at this point.

So all that remains for me to do now is to wish you much pleasure.

That was me

Ten years ago, I was an average housewife, married to a man, with two children. One toddler, one teenager. 1.62 m tall, 62 kilos, green eyes (the only cool thing about me). No taste in clothes. Very short hair at the time. Average looks, average sense of order, below-average cooking skills, above-average ability to park in a train. All average. Plan for life, keep going until you tip into the box, try to do the best for everyone else, have everyone's back but don't stand out too much. Hobbies, singing. Also average, but passionate about it. The kind of woman who doesn't get chosen by the magician as an assistant from the audience at a magic show, but at least I was there too. I had just started my own business in the social sector at the time. My work behavior was also average, even though at the beginning I felt like I was changing the world. I didn't know at the time that the world would soon change me and catapult me through the best and worst 10 years of my life. But one thing at a time.

How it all began (how banal ...)

In 2013, I got a new client in a kind of retirement home. I was so excited. The job was still new, the client was new and challenging, something I hadn't had before. So I went there to get to know her. I entered the building and there she was. Nope. Not the client. Alex. Smaller than me, a bit chubby, cheeky, with a bright, engaging smile. Shorts, T-shirt, short hair, a little longer at the front. But you couldn't really see that because she was wearing a hat. I was to see that she sometimes even forgot to take her cap off when showering. Very nice, I thought. From then on, she was my contact person when it came to my client, because Alex worked there as an assistant to the nursing manager and, being the workaholic that she was, she was always there anyway. If only I had known then that my life would never be the same again.

I went to see my client, and therefore Alex, every two weeks. And I was so excited and nervous every time. As I don't seem to be the brightest candle on the cake, I always thought I was so nervous because the work was a challenge. It would never have occurred to me that my hands were always shaking so much that I was often at a loss for words because everything was already lost at that point. I was lost. I had fallen head over heels in love with Alex. What a load of crap. I didn't understand what had happened for a long time until one day I was driving home from a visit to my client/Alex. During the conversation with Alex before I left, she told me that she was a lesbian and that she was glad that it didn't bother me. Up until that point, I hadn't given a thought to who Alex might be getting it on with, because it's none of my business. And on the way home, I suddenly realized it. I wasn't trembling because of the work, because of the demands, because of the complicated situation, I was trembling solely because I was a 40-year-old housewife who had fallen completely in love with a woman 13 years younger than me. That's great. You have to come to terms with that first. It doesn't happen every day, it's not something you can just put away and tick off.

She also seemed to care more about me from the start. She always gave me little presents, slipped me little notes that smelled of her perfume. Coffee with cocoa powder in the shape of a heart, a sundae with chocolate hearts on it. I was captivated by her incredibly cheeky and charming sense of humor. Her looks gave me a resting pulse rate of 200 and when she "accidentally" touched me when I lit a cigarette, my heart almost stopped. Who wouldn't get weak. Who could resist that.

We then had very intensive contact via WhatsApp for a long time. Like schoolchildren. Ridiculous really, but we had no other choice at the time. She was in a relationship, I was married and neither of us really wanted to jeopardize our relationship, but there was still a magical attraction between us that seemed to get stronger and stronger. I longed for her touch more and more every day, even though I was terrified of it, because I had no experience with a woman. Yes, of course, as a teenager you made out with a girlfriend when you were drunk, but you can't really compare that now. Not even close. So we had no choice but to keep in touch in this childish way. And even then I knew that if she asked me today if we were going to run away together, I would have dropped everything and packed up. Like a teenager. Like a stupid teenager. I would feel stupid even more often over the next few years, but I didn't know that yet.

And then came the first break-up. Her girlfriend at the time went through her cell phone and found our messages. She gave her a hell of a time, understandably, and forbade her to keep in touch with me. And well, as Alex is, she decided in favor of her friend and broke off contact with me overnight. With a brief explanation. Just like that. Of course she did. I don't blame her for that anymore. That's just how it was back then. But during that time, I also realized that it was definitely not a flash in the pan. It took me a whole year to stop crying over this loss. And it wasn't as if we didn't still see each other regularly, I still had my caregiver at the facility where she worked. I have such a sense of responsibility that I won't let the rest of my life slide.

Five years pass. Five years in which I almost die every time I see her, in which I am terribly hurt every time by the indifference she seems to display. In those five years, my marriage also fell apart. I don't know how much of it is down to my situation. The fact is, my ex-husband never did anything wrong, he was always good to me. But he also left me alone, both physically and emotionally. And I often tried to talk to him about it and find solutions, but in the end it all came to nothing and one morning I looked at him like this and thought to myself: "You're a decent guy, but I can't grow old with you, I'm sorry." And I ended my marriage with him as a result, their son lives with me but visits his father regularly. We're still on friendly terms, he's engaged again to a very sweet woman and I wish him all the happiness in the world.

But back to me, us, whatever. After the break-up, contact with Alex was re-established by chance. At first in the familiar, childish way, and then through casual meetings. And the whole time I fought tooth and nail against letting feelings return, but I'm only human, and a stupid one at that. It turned out that Alex was no longer in the relationship either, we were both unattached. And all the feelings were back. From one moment to the next. 100%. Like a tsunami. Unexpected and relentless. I loved this woman. I wasn't in love, I wasn't curious, I had found my soulmate, my better half, with her I would be complete. That was my plan. She was also enthusiastic and confessed her love for me, but always somehow with reservations. We went to Dresden together, where she was from, to visit her parents. And that's where we had sex for the first time. And I can't describe what that felt like. For the last 5 years, I had wanted nothing more than to have this experience with this one woman, and now the time had come. I was terribly excited, but also aroused to a degree that I had never felt before. Every little touch was like an explosion, like fireworks and I have to admit that I have never experienced anything even remotely as beautiful. My entire world view was overturned. I had lost so much time, but I also found everything I wanted. Completely everything. We made plans for what we could do next. Then it was time to go home again. She dropped me off at the parking lot where my car was parked and left. It was as banal as it sounds. She got in the car, stopped looking around and drove. And I stood by my car and was confused, to say the least. Very hurt and slightly panicked comes closer to the point. What was going on now? Everything was going well, wasn't it?

In the days that followed, she hardly ever got in touch. She only made non-committal statements, was dismissive and cool. Completely out of character for her, considering the last few days and what had happened, what had been discussed. And I was immediately desperate, because I wasn't in the mood for a remake of 2013, especially considering the fact that we had now gone several steps further than back then. I was already hopelessly lost again and no longer in control. And I had absolutely no desire for that feeling. You can talk to me about anything, but this way and that way sucks. What had happened again?

Sooner or later, she told me that the situation scared her. I'm older, have my own house and two children, which puts her under pressure. She doesn't know if she can give me what I need. Well, she's actually had long enough to figure it out, but fine. Then that's the way it is. I swallowed my feelings again. Played along with her game, did what she wanted. The contact became less, then more intense, then less again. At some point she said how about friendship plus. Another one of those teen concepts. But as desperate as I was, I naturally agreed. I've always been good at grasping at any straw that somehow offers me hope. Hope. What a shitty concept.

She came to one of my concerts at the end of August 2018. Afterwards, the plan was for us to drive to her grandma's house in NRW as part of Friendship Plus. I finished the gig, we get in the car and drive off. We are in a good mood and everyone enjoys each other's company. She somehow likes me and I'm hopelessly in love with her. And suddenly she stops at a rest stop, takes my hand, looks deep into my eyes and says: "When I saw you on stage today, I really and definitely fell in love with you. I want a serious relationship with you, I want to try." That was one of the best days of my life. I immediately had the feeling that all my worries were no longer there or no longer important. The wish that meant the most to me in my life had just come true, now everything was going to be okay.

It was. For a long time, actually.

We did a lot and she moved in with me at the beginning of 2019. My little son loved her straight away, as did my older son. That's the problem with her. You just can't not love her.

In 2019, I was kidnapped by one of her friends. She told me she had to take me to Alex, that she needed to talk to me. I had a hunch, but I didn't want to get carried away because if I was wrong, the disappointment wouldn't be quite so great.

We drive to the Inn and walk along the water for a while. And there she was. My great love. In a heart of torches, balloons, a red carpet, champagne, flowers, music. The full program. I can't breathe, I'm totally excited. Someone switches on a CD player and I hear "love me like you do", our song, as if from far away. I go up to her, she cries, gives me the flowers, falls to her knees in front of me and what feels like 200 strangers and asks me if I want to be her wife. Of course I do. Nothing else in life, but this. Another day that will go down in my history as one of the happiest of my life.

We live together for the next 12 months. We love each other, we trust each other, we help each other, we are there for each other. She shows me every day how much she loves me. She writes me little notes with loving messages on them, which I find everywhere throughout the day. She brings flowers home for no reason. She spoils me and takes care of me. I have never met anyone who has shown me so intensely that they love me, every day. With every look, with every gesture, with every fiber of her being. I didn't think there was anyone who could be like that, and I thought it was extremely unusual that I should be lucky enough to have found such a person. We were like a unit. Mostly of one mind and when we disagreed, we could each accept the other's view and leave it at that. When we were away together, we didn't have to stick to each other to know that we could rely on each other 100% at all times. We had so much fun, laughed so much together and nothing could ever come between us. I still remember when she once wanted to make me happy with a candle. But she's a guy somewhere and hadn't quite grasped the concept of a decorative candle. So what does she proudly bring home for me? A grave candle. How we laughed about that. Well, the burning time is unbeatable, you can't complain about that. And we had so many more experiences and situations where we were just happy to have each other. We would never have needed anything else, because we had each other. That was the happiest time of my life. So unexpected and intense, so full of love and passion. So full of confidence in the future, full of hope and life.

We got married in a civil ceremony in Dresden in 2020. In the closest family circle. The crowning glory of our relationship so far. We were both confident that this was the right decision and that we would have each other for life.

But the devil is in the detail. And those who are high up will fall low. Even though I would never have thought that possible back then.

The creeping death

Then I fell ill. It must have been shortly after our wedding. But I didn't know it at the time. I was just tired all the time. If I had laid my head on a table during the day, I would have fallen asleep straight away. Just exhausted and drained. And my desire for sex became less and less. That horrified me, I didn't understand it. This turn of events also left its mark on Alex. At first, she just gave me time and hoped that things would change again. But the longer it went on, the worse it got for both of us. For me, because I desperately wanted to give her what she was missing so much and didn't understand why I couldn't, for her, because she missed the passion and couldn't get an explanation from me as to why that was. I always knew that I loved my wife just as much as I did on the first day. But I couldn't show it to her anymore. We often talked about it and she wanted something she could do something with. A statement like: "You're too fat for me, I don't find you attractive anymore." Then she would have sat down and made a diet plan, lost weight and the problem would have been solved. But unfortunately, that wasn't the problem. Fate wasn't going to make it that easy for us. I couldn't offer her anything tangible that she could work with, it wasn't in her hands. Just as little as I did myself. And it ate me up inside that I couldn't simply act differently or offer her a coherent explanation. It made me so incredibly sad to see how my wife was suffering from the situation and how much it was hurting her. But I didn't have any answers myself. So we carried on like that. She gave me space and time. But inwardly she had probably already started to distance herself from me. She put up a protective wall around herself so that I wouldn't hurt her like that, over and over again. That's only understandable under the circumstances.

In August 2021, I became really ill. I had a fever, headaches and aching limbs, my muscles were no longer working and I had water retention in my legs. My hair was falling out and my heart was racing, I had cardiac arrhythmia. When I lay in bed at night, I breathed as if I had just completed a half marathon. But I had only just walked up the stairs. What the hell was that? So I went to the doctor. Something I don't like to do. But in this situation I was really scared, because these were symptoms I hadn't experienced before. When you suddenly can't control your body anymore, it's terrible. In the end, I was scared for my life. And my doctor was just great. He checked everything immediately, sent me to 4 different specialists and a week later I had the results. Autoimmune disease, hyperthyroidism, Graves' disease. What a load of crap. There would be a drug therapy that would last a year and then we would have to see if everything was back to normal. I lost 5 kilos in a very short time, although I ate for three (the only positive side effect of the disease). And my wife was still there. She still told me that she loved me and was behind me, that we could do this together. In all the turmoil, I didn't immediately think to ask my doctor whether the sex had anything to do with the illness, so we continued to fish in the dark as far as that was concerned. We saw two couples therapists, but neither of them could help us. No one knew where the problem actually lay, because we loved each other more than anything. Well, I did, Alex, she secretly and quietly loved me less and less. Why didn't I realize all this time that her love was slowly dying? Of course we talked about the problem, but I still couldn't give her an answer to her question. How stupid ...

In the spring of this year, I did think about asking my doctor. Of course, he said, your hormones are out of balance. Loss of libido is more likely to be a consequence of an underactive thyroid, but it can also be found in hyperthyroidism. Caused by absolute exhaustion and listlessness, right through to depressive behavior, a loss of libido is also quite possible here and, in my case, clearly identifiable. Thank goodness. I had an answer. At the same time, I also noticed myself that things were slowly changing, I had been taking the tablets for six months at that point and my blood values had already improved significantly. I found myself looking at my wife from time to time and imagining what she must taste like. How she closes her eyes and moans when I kiss her neck. But it had been so long since I had made any attempts to seduce her, I didn't have the courage at first. And when I did try, very subtly, she made it clear to me with her body language that she wasn't ready. Then we talked about it. She said she had made other arrangements. She loves me more than anything, but the subject of sex is so far away from her at the moment that she can't make it happen overnight and have sex with me again. Now it was up to me to accept the situation and give her time. Of course I do that. I love my wife and I don't want to lose her. The whole time I was relying on her finding her way back to me and that everything would be fine. How stupid of me. If only I had known back then how far away she was from me. How naive and stupid you can be.

My birthday

On 31.03.22 I turned 50 years old. Alex made sure that "our friends" surprised me at midnight on the night of the 30th to the 31st. I was delighted when everyone suddenly turned up at the door, congratulated me and came in for a drink. Alex had put up lots of pictures of me in front of the house and made a doll to represent me. With red hair, a dog in my lap and a cup of coffee on the side table. Simply unbelievable.

I'm not a great friend of parties because I don't have many friends. Dogs are better friends to me than people, as I'll find out later. But my wife wanted to make me happy. So we decided to have a big party. In the restaurant where we were actually going to get married again before Corona arrived. About 45 people were there. All "our friends". We had a DJ. And good food. And I had my wife. She gave me another big bunch of roses and made a long speech about how much she loves me, how proud she is of me and how much she is looking forward to spending the rest of her life with me. Everyone cried with emotion. Especially Alex. Guests were jealous because they would also like to have a love like that in their lives. It was all very emotional and I fell for it. Because then it was all over. It felt like it was over overnight. Just over. And the whole time I didn't realize how tight it was getting for us, I ran into the buzz saw laughing. As I said, I've never been the brightest.

A new person

The evening we celebrated my birthday was also the first time we had close contact with Bettina. Bettina is a very pretty, fiery woman. She is charming and funny. But she also has a lot of problems because she's in a hopeless situation involving her ex, his new girlfriend and her job. And we both fell for it. My wife just doesn't know it until today. But I do. Dear Bettina. So desperate and in need of support and help. Of course, we've invited her to brunch next week so that she can really let off steam. With the two of us, who are two rocks in the surf and are there for everyone else. But somehow not for us anymore. And a relationship has developed. Between the three of us. Not sexual, but more than unbalanced. We used to send each other voice messages. When Bettina sent a message to Alex, she sent it to me at the same time and vice versa so that no one felt left out. It was a tight situation, but you can do it. And I still didn't realize how my wife was slipping away from me more and more. We often went to Bettina's house to listen to her distress. It was always just about her. And my wife started to light up more and more when they saw each other. There was more and more closeness between the two of them and more and more distance between me and my wife. And since April, my wife has no longer been able to tell me that she loves me. Quite the opposite of the fiery speech she gave me on my birthday. It's all gone. But Bettina is loved. My wife tells her that in front of me. We hold hands, Bettina is massaged while I stroke her dog. They cook for her, they buy flowers for her. And the messages we used to send each other are becoming fewer and fewer. The contact developed more and more into contact between my wife and Bettina. To this day, my wife says that there was never anything there and that there are no romantic feelings. But it's all bad enough and it hurt me terribly. And I withdrew. A little more every day. Unfortunately, I didn't manage to love my wife less during that time, then what follows would have been a bit easier for me, but that's the way it is when you make a fool of yourself with love, I'm sure it's not just me.

And then it started. The beginning of the end. Or as Alice Cooper would say, "welcome to my nightmare".

31.07.2022

I'm writing this because I have to try and get it all out of me, even though it probably won't work because it will tear me apart.

Today is the big day, Alex is going to Bettina's alone in the evening. I can't believe she's doing this, even though she knows I can't cope with it at all.

Bettina. Alex loves her, would do anything for her, devours her with his eyes when we see her, only talks about her. It's been like this for four months now and I can't take it anymore. But the fact that she is going to see her alone today at her own request is killing me. How can she do that. I feel like I'm no longer important. She has declared that she can no longer tell me that she loves me. She already tells Bettina that she loves her. How am I supposed to feel? She doesn't want me to go with her because she can help Bettina better on her own than if I were there. So I'm unimportant and I can't do anything, I'm unwanted, the third wheel on the wagon, superfluous. As always. And she couldn't care less that I almost collapse every day because of it. I would get things wrong. So it's also my fault if I feel bad because of the situation, I should just see things differently and not be so bitchy. Yes, I know that I'm worth nothing and can't do anything, that I'm unimportant and that it doesn't really matter how I feel. Alex thinks Lee, my older son, and my mother are shit because they only come when they need something, because they never care how I am. And now she doesn't care either. She hates it that the others hurt me with their behavior, and now she does it herself and doesn't even bat an eyelid. The main thing is that Bettina is fine. Of course she is. Poor Bettina. And what I also hate about the whole thing is that I actually really like Bettina. She can't help this situation. It's my wife's decisions in connection with her that break my heart every day. And by now I can't hear the name Bettina anymore, I can't bring myself to send her any messages, I could puke when the conversation turns to her, which it inevitably does every day. And it's not her fault at all. But I just can't take it all anymore. This indifference towards me and my feelings, as long as Bettina gets help. At a time when it's becoming clear that my problems could be due to the fact that I've always been told that I and my feelings are unimportant, that I can't do anything and am nothing, at precisely this time, my wife makes me understand that it doesn't matter if I suffer, the main thing is that Bettina is well. That I shouldn't come with her, because I'm no help and only in the way. I don't know how you can somehow spin it so that something positive comes out of it. The main thing is that the others are doing well. Alex with her helper syndrome with her newly chosen person in need of help, Bettina, because Alex is kissing her ass to the hilt and would do ANYTHING for her. At any time. Regardless of whether the old lady is sitting at home bawling her eyes out. It's not that important. She's just bitchy anyway and doesn't work the way Alex would have liked. Sorry. So I'm in the way again. Well. The motto of my life. And then I have to wander through my life and suggest to everyone that I have everything under control and that the sun shines out of my ass. I have to have my job, an important job in the social sector, under control and help everyone else deal with their problems. I have to be there for my children and pretend to Alex that everything is fine, because otherwise I'll be bitchy and get things wrong. Sure. As always, it's my fault. I'd be interested to know how others would classify this situation. I don't think anyone would say: "Caro, don't be like that." I can't imagine that with the best will in the world. I would also be interested in the following. I meet a great, masculine lesbian who has her ass full of problems. And I want to help her. I only talk about her in front of Alex for months. I always want to go to her, I'm worried, I want to be there for her day and night, I keep saying that I love her and that she's a very special, important person in my life, and then I tell Alex that I want to go there alone, that she shouldn't come with me. In life, she can't deal with it, if she says otherwise, she lies to stifle the issue and not have to reflect on the situation she's creating, because that's what she wants, everything for Bettina, and nothing should stop her, fuck the consequences. But in life, she wouldn't accept the situation the other way around. It's bad enough when Martin, my ex-husband, sends a text message because he wants to know how things are going with Bastian, my little one, at the weekend. "What does he want again, is he complaining again, what does he always need from you, can't he leave you alone". That's enough to make her do a 180 and I have to justify myself. But no, what she does with Bettina is completely normal and should be accepted by me without question. It can't really be. I know that I'm also getting extremely carried away here. I have terrible fears of loss. I'm aware of that. But no one can tell me that I don't have a reason not to find it normal, that I don't have a reason to react emotionally. And I don't feel like it anymore. How is this supposed to go on? Bettina has been in this situation for 6 months now and despite intensive discussions, nothing has changed. In my opinion, there's nothing Alex, Mother Theresa, can do here, especially if all that happens is that our relationship is jeopardized. But she accepts that because Bettina is more important than me and our relationship. That's actually extremely violent and I think very few people would put up with it like that. But that's just me. An asshole before the Lord who loves this woman more than anything and doesn't want to lose her. And as always, I swallow, even if it breaks me. And I'm incredibly scared of the future. I don't know where this is going to lead. Will it become a permanent state of affairs that Alex puts Bettina above me? Will it even lead to the two of them starting something together? After all, Alex also started something with me when things weren't going so well with her girlfriend at the time. So it wouldn't be the first time she's looked for an outlet and found one. But of course I can't tell her that, because then I'll be the bad guy again and I'll be bitchy and get things wrong again. As always. I'm stupid and my feelings and fears are irrelevant and totally exaggerated anyway. And it's such an immense effort to go through life every day and not just collapse. I've actually had situations recently where my legs have collapsed because my body didn't feel like it anymore. NO. I won't tell anyone. If I did, I'd probably just be a hypochondriac who wants to draw attention away from Saint Bettina by creating fake situations like that. That would be terrible. How childish. No. I'm not childish. I guess everything else is. Unimportant and a loser and bitchy and so on. I am. Of course, because then it's easier, then Alex wouldn't have to question her own actions and the real drive behind her Bettina affinity. So she can just cheerfully continue to lie to herself and do what she wants, regardless. Good for her. Sucks for me. But that's not important. It's clear. I'm going to go dancing now. That's nice too. And when I get home, no one will be there because Alex is at Bettina's and doesn't want me to join him. Great. I'm looking forward to it. And then I'll spend the whole night wondering how the three of us can go on. And when Alex comes home, I'll be in a totally emotional state of emergency again. But then it's my own fault. It's my problem if I take it to heart when my wife puts another woman above me and our relationship. I'm a sheep.