I have a psychosis! And now? E-Book

Anke Vuge

• Herausgeber: novum publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 91

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2025

Beschreibung

Mental illnesses are not to be trifled with. Anke Vuge also had to learn this the hard way. After years of stress and several strokes of fate, she suddenly hears voices that make her everyday life more difficult. In addition to a psychosis with delusions, she almost suffocates in the wake of depression, which makes it impossible for her to leave bed. But in her book, Anke Vuge describes how she drew strength from this and fought her way back to health. She encourages readers never to give up on themselves, but always to believe in themselves and in recovery. She discusses important tips for boosting self-esteem, recognizing warning signs from the body, mind and soul earlier, and seeking appropriate help.

Leseprobe

Dedication

I dedicate this book to all those who have lost themselves in the world of work. To those who live beyond their capacity. Perhaps you will find yourself in this book. Maybe it's a warning for those who only work. For those who have not been as lucky as me. It is for those who want to find themselves again, for themselves, their family, their life.

It has given me a peace of mind that I never allowed myself. So get what you need. Get it now.

Foreword

Before you read this book, I need to get something off my chest. It is both a warning and a revelation about myself. Everything in this book is what I believe, have done, have thought and whose deep conviction I share. None of it you have to believe, none of it is scientifically proven, none of it you have to do or apply. It is and remains your decision what you do or how you judge it. The only thing I ask you to do is to think about it and form your own opinion. No more and no less. And above all, be honest with yourself. I know that sounds simple, but sometimes it's not.

Reading this book can challenge you emotionally, mentally and physically. If you let go of something old while reading, throw off old baggage or a bad memory comes up in you, then don't continue for a while. Some things take time, so allow yourself breaks. You need to know that thoughts also have consequences. Thoughts and memories may come up that you need to process. Emotions and tensions that flow out of your body. The important thing is: if you notice that something is wrong, whether physically or mentally, please do not shy away from visiting your trusted doctor, alternative practitioner or psychotherapist. You must be worth it.

Self-revelation

I thought long and hard about whether I should write this book or not. The reason why I finally did is a verse by Leo Tolstoy:

"Everyone wants to change the world, but no one wants to change themselves."

You can't change the people around you. The only thing that can really be changed is ourselves. Despite everything, I used to try to do that too. Everyone who lives with someone tries to improve something about their partner from time to time. Unfortunately, this only works in the rarest of cases. And let's be honest: if it were really possible, you wouldn't end up with the person you fell in love with before.

As children, many of us imagined becoming a doctor, a firefighter or a superhero who would simply make the world a better place. At one time or another, everyone had an impulse to do something that would make the world a nicer, happier place. In the rush of growing up, this changes and is forgotten. It's usually those around you, family and friends, who convince you that you definitely need a job that puts money in your pocket.

But that was no longer enough for me. I had the same stressful job for almost 25 years. But it didn't really fulfill me. It brought me money, a house, a car, a pension, but despite everything, I wasn't satisfied with myself. I still feel this impulse inside me to change something, to improve something. Even if I do it with a self-revelation. I no longer feel like wearing a mask, as most people unconsciously do. I want to be who I am.

What I'm talking about here is self-determination. I am in control of myself and I have decided to become the woman I should always have been. I've been on this journey for a while now and I've discovered a few shortcuts for myself. The only thing I need from you to get you on the path of self-determination too is imagination and assertiveness. I have tried many things and some of them will probably be beyond your imagination. Please be open to other possibilities and be honest with yourself. That's all I ask of you. Now let's move on to the reasons why I am completely changing my life.

As with most people, there is always a particular reason why you are forced to rethink. For me, too, there was a drastic experience that drove me to change. Actually, there were several. From car accidents, miscarriage, stressful job, there were simply many reasons. But one of them was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

Burn-out, depression, psychosis and schizophrenia are terms that I have never had anything to do with. I've often asked myself how something like this develops. Do I have a genetic predisposition to it? Has there ever been a case in our family? I couldn't answer any of these questions. Until now.

My diagnosis is depression with schizophrenic symptoms. Despite all the questions, I still can't say exactly where this madness started for me. And it took me a very long time to even realize that I was ill. I have now accepted this diagnosis and I have to admit that if it can happen to me out of nowhere, then it can happen to anyone else. That's the reason why I have to change. Because I have made myself ill. If I were to type, I went from a state of exhaustion to burnout, then on to depression and ended up with delusions and doomsday scenarios. In the process, I heard voices; my ne own as well as those that were completely alien to me. At least that's what I thought until then. I found myself in a kind of conspiracy theory that seemed completely logical and real to me at the time. I could go on and on and describe everything I heard or felt. But I think that would go beyond the scope of this article, and I certainly don't want to frighten you. If you do want to know, read the next paragraph. But I also understand if you prefer not to read it. It's up to you.

I woke up in the middle of the night. Had someone been talking? I listened into the room but could only make out the continuous snoring of my husband. He was fast asleep. "Can you hear me?" it sounded in my head. I nodded absently. "Can you still hear me now?" The voice was softer now. I nodded again. In my opinion, it was a divine voice and I seemed to be undergoing some kind of test. "Can you still hear me now?" it echoed in my head. "Why are you here?" I wanted to know. The answer I got was: "Because you're not listening! You have to learn to listen."

I thought about it. "Would you like to learn to listen?" the divine voice asked me. I answered in the affirmative and the test continued. I was tested again and again to see if I could still hear anything, until I could no longer understand anything. "Learn to listen!" said the voice and then it disappeared. I shivered and looked at my watch. The experience had lasted a good 45 minutes. For a moment, I wanted to wake my husband up and tell him what had happened, but I kept quiet. After that, I eventually fell asleep.

After all this, I became interested in channeling, telepathy, the inner voice and intuition. Because the voices I heard from then on were male and definitely had nothing to do with me. The more I looked into these topics, the more questions I asked the voices. I began to understand that it must be some kind of telepathy, because more voices appeared. This time, however, I was sure that they belonged to me, because they told me their names: the man, the anger, the little Anke, the even smaller Anke, the wise woman, the YOU, the ME and others that I categorized as strange. Some of them were compassionate, encouraging and helpful, while others were fearful, angry, critical or downright intimidating.

As I felt as if they were parts of myself, I listened to what they had to say about me. Their assessments and objections to me were justified and I recognized myself. I tried to agree with the voices, one by one. Sometimes one of them disappeared and probably became one with me, others stayed.

So I started to look into the topic of self-love and self-worth, because all the topics of conversation were circling around me like a flock of vultures. When I asked my voices about my self-worth, I got an interesting answer. I was told to go into the hallway and open the white cupboard inside. What I found there was a small bag full of coins. I was told that this was my current value. I was suddenly terrified. How could that be? And where had the bag come from? Had it perhaps been there for a while and I had simply hidden it? I put it down to a coincidence. I had probably just tricked myself and my subconscious had probably long known that this bag was in the cupboard. I asked for hard evidence and I got it.

The next day, I was supposed to take my daughter to karate training as usual. There was a large lime tree in the parking lot next door. I was supposed to look for a present there. So I got out of the car and walked towards the tree. What I found on the ground was a silver ballpoint pen. I was told it would help me to write. That was enough for me as proof of spiritual guidance.

Over time, I was torn between the spiritual world, the voices and the real world that surrounded me. Time and again, someone would speak up, even when I was in a conversation. Over time, I was repeatedly asked if I was okay because I was absent. At times, I no longer knew who I was supposed to be listening to. I was distracted from my inner communication. But it was like an addiction to talk while nobody was aware of anything. I felt special, unique. Even in the DIY store, where I was out with my husband, I was told which aisle we should look for. Songs on the radio seemed to play just for me. It was beautiful and exhilarating. I lived in pure euphoria and life was beautiful.

After that, things went downhill. I could no longer distinguish between good and bad voices. I kept getting images in my head of myself standing in front of the sink and opening my wrists with a knife. Some voices even said that I had contracted a new type of coronavirus and should be quarantined. I told my husband, but it fell on deaf ears. I slept worse and worse because the voices wouldn't let me sleep at night either. I was tormented night after night by the voices inside me. In the end, I was convinced that I was a danger to the world, so I seriously tried to harm myself. Fortunately, this attempt was thwarted by my husband. He called the ambulance and I was forcibly taken away by two men. Even in the car, I was still wondering whether I could reach the fire extinguisher. I was admitted to a clinic, convinced that I would bring about the end of the world.

That was a year ago now. I still hear voices, but they are friendly and I know they are aspects of myself. Will they all ever disappear? I don't know. This is my psychosis in overdrive.