Satan's Letter
This is a strange place, and
extraordinary place, and interesting. There is nothing resembling
it at home. The people are all insane, the other animals are all
insane, the earth is insane, Nature itself is insane. Man is a
marvelous curiosity. When he is at his very very best he is a sort
of low grade nickel-plated angel; at is worst he is unspeakable,
unimaginable; and first and last and all the time he is a sarcasm.
Yet he blandly and in all sincerity calls himself the "noblest work
of God." This is the truth I am telling you. And this is not a new
idea with him, he has talked it through all the ages, and believed
it. Believed it, and found nobody among all his race to laugh at
it.
Moreover -- if I may put another
strain upon you -- he thinks he is the Creator's pet. He believes
the Creator is proud of him; he even believes the Creator loves
him; has a passion for him; sits up nights to admire him; yes, and
watch over him and keep him out of trouble. He prays to Him, and
thinks He listens. Isn't it a quaint idea? Fills his prayers with
crude and bald and florid flatteries of Him, and thinks He sits and
purrs over these extravagancies and enjoys them. He prays for help,
and favor, and protection, every day; and does it with hopefulness
and confidence, too, although no prayer of his has ever been
answered. The daily affront, the daily defeat, do not discourage
him, he goes on praying just the same. There is something almost
fine about this perseverance. I must put one more strain upon you:
he thinks he is going to heaven!
He has salaried teachers who tell
him that. They also tell him there is a hell, of everlasting fire,
and that he will go to it if he doesn't keep the Commandments. What
are Commandments? They are a curiosity. I will tell you about them
by and by.
Letter II
"I have told you nothing about
man that is not true." You must pardon me if I repeat that remark
now and then in these letters; I want you to take seriously the
things I am telling you, and I feel that if I were in your place
and you in mine, I should need that reminder from time to time, to
keep my credulity from flagging.
For there is nothing about man
that is not strange to an immortal. He looks at nothing as we look
at it, his sense of proportion is quite different from ours, and
his sense of values is so widely divergent from ours, that with all
our large intellectual powers it is not likely that even the most
gifted among us would ever be quite able to understand it.
For instance, take this sample:
he has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the
supremest of all his delights, the one ecstasy that stands first
and foremost in the heart of every individual of his race -- and of
ours -- sexual intercourse!
It is as if a lost and perishing
person in a roasting desert should be told by a rescuer he might
choose and have all longed-for things but one, and he should elect
to leave out water!
His heaven is like himself:
strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word,
it has not a single feature in it that he actually values. It
consists -- utterly and entirely -- of diversions which he cares
next to nothing about, here in the earth, yet is quite sure he will
like them in heaven. Isn't it curious? Isn't it interesting? You
must not think I am exaggerating, for it is not so. I will give you
details.
Most men do not sing, most men
cannot sing, most men will not stay when others are singing if it
be continued more than two hours. Note that.
Only about two men in a hundred
can play upon a musical instrument, and not four in a hundred have
any wish to learn how. Set that down.
Many men pray, not many of them
like to do it. A few pray long, the others make a short cut.
More men go to church than want
to.
To forty-nine men in fifty the
Sabbath Day is a dreary, dreary bore.
Of all the men in a church on a
Sunday, two-thirds are tired when the service is half over, and the
rest before it is finished.
The gladdest moment for all of
them is when the preacher uplifts his hands for the benediction.
You can hear the soft rustle of relief that sweeps the house, and
you recognize that it is eloquent with gratitude.