Living my life positively with multisystemic and chronic illnesses E-Book

Jennifer Karin Schausten

• Herausgeber: novum publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 337

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

This book by Jennifer Karin Schausten is intended to help chronically ill people to help themselves find their way back to a positive attitude to life and to enjoy their lives despite their ailments and impairments. The content is based on the author's experiences with her own incurable chronic illnesses. As a young mother and working power woman in the prime of her life, Jennifer Karin Schausten was faced with the choice of despairing and giving up or taking courage and looking for a way out. She decided to do everything in her power to be able to appreciate and enjoy her life again, even with all her ailments and impairments. She has documented her journey and recorded her solutions for her fellow sufferers.

Leseprobe

Dedication

The book is for anyone who wants to live a fulfilled life with chronic illness through self-reflection, acceptance and acceptance and other mental strategies.

Introduction

My name is Jenny. I am 40 years old, the mother of 6-year-old twins, married and chronically ill. I have Mast Cell Activation Syndrome, MCAS for short, Hypermobility Syndrome and, as a concomitant disease, Postural Tachycardia Syndrome, POTS for short. The diseases affect the entire body, are sometimes systemic and progressive and cause a wide range of symptoms, some of which are diffuse. My path to the diagnoses was very long and rocky and I was very relieved when the child finally had a name.

However, I don't want to talk in this book about how I came to my diagnoses or what my symptoms are. This is only mentioned in passing when it is necessary to explain my approach. Nor is it about showing a path to freedom from symptoms, because I am still a long way from that myself. My aim here is to tell you about my path to a better quality of life and how I deal with my illnesses in everyday life; to give you an understanding of my strategies; to share my positive attitude to life and how I have achieved this, because it is precisely this that enables me to live a relatively normal life with my illnesses.

Some think I'm too naive. Others claim that I gloss things over.

But in my own experience, it's what we think and feel on the inside that makes such a difference. Our own attitude to everything has an enormous influence on our body and also on what we reflect to the outside world. My book is about acceptance and reflection. About optimism, beliefs, change, fears. About strategies for turning negative thoughts around and using them to your advantage. About motivation and inner strength, which is inherent in all of us.

It is about the path to oneself, for oneself and for a life worth living with limitations, disabilities and illnesses. It is about how you can manage to live a fulfilling life with chronic illnesses instead of fighting against them and their symptoms.

I simply want to share with you what I am doing and have done to live in peace and in harmony with my illnesses.

The diagnosis brought relief, but also fear, anger and despair

First of all, before I received my diagnoses, I had already had countless visits to the doctor, examinations and tests. So it was a relief when I heard the words "You suffer from mast cell activation syndrome and hypermobility syndrome". At that point, I didn't care that neither of them could be cured or treated. I finally knew what the problem was and therefore had the mistaken hope that everything would improve very quickly. The relief, as great as it was, quickly gave way to a mixture of fear, anger and despair.

I was 38 years old. With two small children. Terminally ill. Progressive course of the disease. That was it now. And in the midst of this emotional chaos, I made the biggest mistake of all: I searched social media platforms for stories of those affected and found some very quickly. However, and this was the problem, many of those affected didn't report much that was positive. I read one horror story after another. That made me despair. How was I supposed to accept it all? I read things like "I'm bedridden", "I can't do anything anymore", "I no longer have a life worth living". My only thought at that point was: "You'll end up like this too! You'll be a burden on your family! Worthless and no longer good for anything!" - and that was really hard for me. Because I'm someone who literally has bumblebees up my ass. Power. Someone who was in the middle of life and now had a horror vision of their own future. All plans gone. Nothing would work anymore. Life would simply pass me by and I would just vegetate. That almost sent me into a full-blown depression. I was really low, trapped in a cycle of negative feelings and, above all, an incredible anger at myself. Anger at my body. Anger at everything. Anger is not a good counselor. It's a bad companion.

However, and this is where my first strategy, my first step towards actual acceptance, came in, anger can be a good motivator if you direct it in the right direction. I managed to stop directing my anger at myself, at my body, and instead directed it at my negative thinking. It all started when I asked myself what I would say to one of my friends, my husband, anyone, if they told me they felt worthless and useless and were angry with themselves. My response to that was "I understand you, but that's bullshit! If you feel that way about yourself, it's no wonder how you feel and that you can't get out of it!" I was tough as nails, but honest with myself, just as I would have been with someone close to me, and that hurt like hell.

The realization that it was me who had brought me to this state really hurt and brought a lot of emotional chaos with it. But it also opened the door to my inner self. It was the first step to self-reflection and ultimately to my optimism.

Self-reflection

First, I would like to discuss the topic of self-reflection. What it is, why it is important and how it works. Because I will be talking about it from time to time on the following pages, as it is one of the essential components of how I deal with my illnesses, impairments and life with them.

What's more, it is also necessary from time to time if we want to change things in life itself, in our thoughts and feelings. Because even if we can't always change the circumstances, we can still work on ourselves. There are countless strategies for changing your attitude, for example, or for building and strengthening your self-esteem and inner resilience. But almost everything requires self-reflection if you want to apply any strategy sustainably and, above all, successfully.

In order to change something, we first have to take a close look at everything, observe ourselves, question ourselves and the circumstances. This is not possible without self-reflection. In other words, to be your own mirror. To deal with what you see. With what you feel and think. Basically, it can be said that self-reflection is the key to many techniques that you use to improve and change something.

This is not easy, because it means seeing, perceiving, accepting and embracing yourself in all facets. When you reflect on yourself, you see both good and bad qualities. You feel all your emotions and some of them are very painful. You open up to yourself. But, and this is always the most important thing, you also gain knowledge. Knowledge about yourself, for example. About what you really feel and think. Knowledge about your own path, the past and about who you really are, were and want to be.

Realizations can be painful, especially when they affect us. But the path to healing and recovery often leads right through our deepest pain.

What exactly is self-reflection?

Self-reflection is the ability to observe our own experiences, feelings and thoughts. To observe and, at best, to question and understand them. Metaphorically speaking, our own mind serves as a mirror through which we observe ourselves and our entire being. We can scrutinize and determine whether we are satisfied, whether we want to change something for ourselves and what we feel and why. Admittedly, that sounds a bit philosophical, but it's not. I see self-reflection as an essential tool to find the right path for me, to change things and also to increase my well-being.

The importance of self-reflection

Perhaps some of you may now be thinking "Ah, she means brooding!" - but no, that's not what I mean. When we brood, we are usually treading water. We circle around the same thing without coming to any helpful conclusions. With self-reflection, the exact opposite is the case. We observe, reflect, recognize and understand. This always leads us to some kind of insight, which ultimately not only causes us to react, but also to consciously control our behavior depending on the situation.

One example:

Let's say I've had a stressful day, my pain level is very high and I may not have slept properly the night before. I am therefore irritable and sensitive and get into an argument with my husband. When I reflect on this and think about it, I quickly realize that the circumstances have caused me to overreact. This realization makes it much easier for me to apologize to my husband and explain why it happened. This in turn makes him more understanding. In the long term, it even helps me to recognize ahead of time whether a discussion is causing me even more stress and I should postpone it, or whether I am resistant enough not to overreact again.

The purpose of self-reflection is therefore not to criticize oneself in a negative sense or to put oneself down in the sense of: "You were so irritable and unfair again. You're just not a good person!", but to take a neutral view of a situation, a feeling or an event. This neutral view can help us to learn something about ourselves, our thinking, our feelings and our behavior. This then provides the basis for self-determined action and, not least, for us to be more in harmony with ourselves. In both positive and negative ways.

Who do we actually want to be?

We all ask ourselves this question from time to time. However, we can rarely answer it well or satisfactorily for ourselves. Self-reflection can be a great help here.

For example, I want to be a person who does not take out my moods caused by my complaints on others. Reflecting on my behavior as in the previous example helps me think about how I could respond better. So instead of taking my frustration out on my husband and using an avoidable argument as an outlet, I simply tell him that I'm not in a good mood, that I'm stressed and overwhelmed and that my pain is really bad.

Each of us has inner values, priorities and ideas that shape who we are. It is important to really know your values. Now you might say that I know my values, because that's how I used to think. In reality, however, I didn't know them. It was only when I came to terms with myself that I discovered them.

Self-reflection on your own values involves asking yourself a few questions

What exactly is important to me in life?

What exactly do I want to stand for?

Which of my characteristics do I want to be recognized by those around me?

Not so easy to answer, is it? But in trying to do so, you are already applying self-reflection: by observing yourself, thinking about your actual values and ultimately coming to the realization of who you want to be. This then creates the basis for applying self-reflection in everyday life with illnesses.

Applying self-reflection in everyday life

Of course, questions about your own values are not something you apply in everyday life. But, and this is also very important, our actions give expression to our inner values on a daily basis. This is how we notice whether we are in harmony with ourselves and act accordingly or not.

Presumably no one is able to reflect immediately and in every situation on whether they are behaving in accordance with their values or whether they are actually acting against them. But even if you only do this afterwards, it will help you to act accordingly in similar situations in the future. However, you can practise acting in a self-reflective way. I myself have managed to take some time every evening to reflect on my day. I wrote down what went well and what didn't go so well. I also thought about how I could perhaps cope better with difficult and stressful situations in the future. What I could or would like to do differently.

It's not about constantly optimizing ourselves, but about learning something about ourselves and understanding ourselves better.

Self-reflection is individual and different for everyone

Just as each of us has our own personal inner values, which at best help us to lead a happy life and support and even guide us in our decision-making, everyone needs to find their own way of self-reflection. This means focusing on your own values, your actions and what you really want and how you can achieve it. All sorts of things can be helpful here. Taking the pressure off yourself. Meditate. Questioning yourself and your actions. Finding solutions to problems. Looking at good and negative feelings and beliefs and, if necessary, questioning and ultimately resolving them.

You can ask yourself, why do I think XY? Why do I believe that XY is not possible or cannot be changed? What could I do or try to do to change these thoughts for the better? What can I do for myself on a bad day to make me feel better?

After all, self-reflection also plays a not insignificant role in self-care. We need to know ourselves, understand ourselves, so that we can act in accordance with our values and desires. So that we can grow, mature and, if necessary, adapt and change. So that we can lead a life in which we are in harmony with ourselves.

Especially when chronic illnesses turn our lives upside down.

Optimism and confidence in life with a chronic illness

Next, I would like to turn to optimism. I myself am often described as a merciless optimist, as I always try to see things in a positive light or at least find something positive in everything.

In short, I have a positive attitude towards my life. About myself, about how I feel and, above all, about my future. However, this was really shaken when I received my diagnosis. Suddenly my life was completely different to how it had been before, and the picture of my future that I had already created was also deeply shaken. It happens to all of us when very drastic experiences turn our lives upside down and shake us up. Even people with a very positive attitude can stumble. They lose confidence in themselves and that life will"turn out well".

However, this need not and should not be a permanent state of affairs. We can certainly fight our way back to confident thinking. To get back to a positive ego. We humans need that. We need to believe in something, to be able to trust in something, including ourselves, if we want to achieve our goals. We need a drive, we want to be motivated and, of course, we want to work towards something. But none of this is possible if we are not at least a little optimistic. Pessimism is of course much easier, because we humans naturally tend to assume the worst rather than hope for the best.

My path back to optimism was anything but easy, but it was doable and ultimately made me even more optimistic than before.

I am convinced that everyone can build up a positive attitude. This doesn't mean going through life naively and unrealistically, but expecting the best instead of always expecting the worst that can happen from the outset. And you can already start here and say to yourself:

"I can learn to be more optimistic!"

What exactly is optimism?

The word optimism is derived from the Latin optimum. It therefore means"the best".In short, an optimistic attitude means expecting the best. However, this does not mean that we simply gloss over things and completely disregard reality. It means that we generally expect everything to develop positively. Even if not everything is going as we would like.

One example:

My diseases, mast cell activation syndrome and hypermobility syndrome, both have a progressive course. This means that they will progress steadily and there is little or no way to stop them. That is the reality that I have to accept. However, that doesn't mean that a deterioration will inevitably be severe. I am aware of the progression of my illnesses, but I don't live with the assumption or expectation that the worst will happen. I tell myself that no one can predict when a progression will occur and how bad it will actually be. I live in the assumption that it won't be as bad as one might fear and that I will simply continue to lead a relatively good life. So I have a positive outlook on my future.

Of course, and this is human, it is not always so easy. There are always phases, including mine, that are upsetting and bring with them negativity and pessimism. Sometimes we are more optimistic and sometimes more pessimistic. However, you can have a significant influence on this yourself.

Optimism can be learned

None of us was born optimistic or pessimistic.

Unfortunately, we tend to expect the bad and the worst. This is due to evolution. Beware of danger. We want to survive and constantly protect ourselves from potential dangers. We want to avoid catastrophes as much as possible, which is why we often only have the worst in mind. This sense, if you like, is something we are born with. If we fall ill, the catastrophe is there. We are right in the middle of it, defenceless and fearful. Then, of course, survival mode kicks in immediately, warning us of all sorts of things. Just don't take any risks, don't make things worse. We simply make the general assumption that a progressive illness will cause us to get worse and that we can't do anything about it anyway. So why try at all?

This also illustrates quite well why it is sometimes necessary to learn a positive basic attitude. We can easily follow pessimism, but we have to work on optimism. I'd be happy to tell you how I managed to do this. Take it as an incentive and inspiration.

Using gratitude as a key

How is that supposed to work? Some of you may be asking yourself that. But let's look at it this way: if something is already good, it can give us the confidence that things can also develop positively. However, this requires us to be grateful.

One example:

After a nice walk by the lake, I feel relaxed and well. The fresh air was good for me and the exercise anyway. I may have unexpectedly met a dear friend on the way and had coffee with her. All in all, I simply enjoyed a lovely afternoon.

When I am grateful for this, I shift my focus away from potential problems or adversity and towards something good. To the here and now. To what is good in my life, what I can be grateful for. This also brings with it the confidence that not everything in life is bad after all, even if it sometimes seems like it is. Of course, this doesn't mean that all our wishes will come true or that only the best will ever happen. Nor does it guarantee that we will always be happy in life. But that's not the point either. It's more about using gratitude to focus on the positive things in your life. Noticing it and using it as an anchor point. So that if something doesn't work out, doesn't turn out well, you can tell yourself that you always have this and that in life to be happy about. This also allows you to be a little more relaxed when things don't go according to plan or even pull the rug out from under your feet.

Practicing and applying gratitude in everyday life

Gratitude can be practiced and applied in everyday life. It's not as difficult as it sounds. All we need is the will to do so and, of course, a certain amount of perseverance. Because here, too, we need to engage in self-reflection. Take a close look at and reflect on our day, every day anew.

"What am I grateful for today?"

must be the question we ask ourselves at the end of each day. This may sound a little ridiculous, because sometimes we tend to say that we have nothing in life to be grateful for. Or ask ourselves what we should be grateful for if life "only" consists of suffering, pain, despair and injustice. This is exactly where we need to start rethinking.

We need to remind ourselves, especially in very challenging times and phases of life, that we always have something for which we can and should be grateful. We just don't realize it far too often. We simply take some things far too much for granted in life. Like seeing a sunrise, for example. The laughter of our children. The stranger who simply smiles at us. All the little everyday things that we take for granted but no longer perceive for what they are: Reasons to be grateful!

Here are a few examples of what this can look like:

I am grateful for my children.

I am grateful for the great conversation with my partner.

I am grateful for the beautiful house I live in.

I am grateful for the work I have.

I am grateful for the good coffee in the morning.

I am grateful for the beautiful sunrise.

I am grateful for the great afternoon with friends.

I am grateful for the love in my life.

I am grateful to be alive.

I am grateful for everything I can be grateful for.

These are just examples. Examples of things that I am grateful for every day. Things that I remind myself of more than ever in bad phases so that I don't forget how much beauty there really is in my life. Experiences and people who fill my heart with joy, happiness and love. That show me every day that the world I live in is beautiful. That I am loved and, above all, that I give love myself. That I have a warm home where I can feel safe and secure. Simply that alongside all my despair and all the shadows, there is also light.

The important thing is not what we are grateful for in the end, but that we actually feel this gratitude. It doesn't matter whether we are grateful for 10 or 30 things, or just one thing. It is only important that there is something, every day, that we can be grateful for, that we are allowed to be grateful for. Because this one thing is something good, something positive, and ultimately optimism can be built on this. The more consciously we turn to the good through gratitude, the easier it is for us to look to the future with confidence.

Of course, this is also a process. It requires patience and perseverance. But it is worth it.

The path to a happy life!

"Take matters into your own hands - change your life or your attitude!"

Next, I would like to write about the path to a contented life. About how to achieve contentment. The first thing I had to learn to understand after my diagnoses was that my life, my everyday life and also my thinking about it doesn't get better just because I compare it with the lives of others, preferably with those of healthy people. When I admire others or, even worse, envy them. Generally speaking, life itself doesn't get any better if you envy others, live dissatisfied and just grumble. It simply costs far too much energy. Energy that I have learned to focus and use for myself and my well-being.

"Comparison is the end of happiness and the beginning of dissatisfaction!"

We first have to realize one thing: Only we have our lives in our own hands. Only we can change things ourselves. Only we ourselves are in a position to shape our lives the way we want them to be. Only we can improve things ourselves. Admittedly, this sounds rather naive considering that I have an incurable, chronic and progressive illness.

But it still doesn't change the fact that you can't live a happy life if you are constantly looking to the right, to the back, to the left and all around, comparing your life with someone else's and only seeing the things that are negative. If this causes resentment, frustration and despair that literally engulfs you. Of course, this doesn't mean you shouldn't look around, quite the opposite. But instead of letting it frustrate you, you can see it as inspiration, as a little signpost. Maybe you can even let yourself be pulled along by it all.

First and foremost, this requires the insight that we have to change things on our own responsibility. The insight that we may need to change our own perspective, because that is what sets the process of change in motion in the first place. Without insight, there can be no real and lasting change.

Then it takes courage. Courage and the will to leave your comfort zone. All of this is painful. It is unpleasant. Reflecting, coming to terms with your own feelings, your deepest inner self and your own shortcomings is not easy - but it's worth it! I'm deliberately not talking about a happier life here, because happiness is usually found in the little things. For example, I feel it when my children smile at me. A stranger greets me in a friendly way. I see a beautiful sunrise. Walking hand in hand with my husband. Happiness is a feeling and something different makes everyone happy. What's important here: Chasing after supposedly great happiness leads to nothing. Except perhaps even more dissatisfaction. I know from personal experience what it's like to be unhappy. When dissatisfaction gnaws at you and you only focus on the bad things in life without seeing the good things. With a seemingly unattainable goal in front of you. With blinkers on. You miss out on so many opportunities and lose sight of the essentials.

Free, release, take out the pressure

"If you are unhappy, change your life or your attitude!"

There were a few key moments that really opened my eyes. Metaphorically speaking, my own self shouted at me and said: "Only you are in control!" The realization that it was me standing in my own way was like a punch in the gut. But it also made me realize that I had to tackle it myself. It's nobody's fault and it's nobody's fault that my life is so out of joint, that it's different and that I have to adapt and take a new path.

Admittedly, this path was not easy. It was full of hurdles, trials and tribulations and was often really painful. But that's part of it, because change always hurts. It hurts to let go of things, habits, hobbies, perhaps even relationships and friendships. Especially when deep emotions are involved. But with every single step, something like relief crept in at the same time. I opened up and tried out new things. I kept trying completely new things and activities. I made new friends and found myself again step by step.

To a new and, as I say today, better, happier and, above all, stronger and braver me. Satisfaction, and this may sound strange, can be trained. By trying new things for yourself. By patting yourself on the back, even if you don't succeed at something, but you just tried. By being grateful for everything you have in life without complaining about what you don't have.

In the end, I also managed to take off my blinkers. To realize that there is so much beauty and wonder in my life. In everyday life. In small moments. Regardless of my illnesses. I have realized that I can simply enjoy so much, soak up happiness and benefit from it, even if I have symptoms. This has given me new drive, new motivation and a whole new perspective. Of course, I still have very bad days today, bad phases, and it's not always all sunshine and roses. I still slip into the spiral of negativity too. But I recognize it more quickly, I get sucked into it less and I get out of it faster. Simply because I have learned to live consciously. To be aware of the good moments I still have and to use them to my advantage.

The way out of this vicious circle is never easy - but you emerge stronger. More satisfied and ultimately a little happier. Today, I no longer have to force a smile. I just smile and am happy, even if I feel really bad. Because it's in my hands. Live my life to the best of my ability and focus on the good things. Take the pressure off and appreciate the little things!

The best way to do this is to adjust our expectations. I was someone who had the highest expectations of myself. I reached for the stars and set my life goals pretty high. I was dogged and driven by ambition. I always wanted to achieve everything under my own steam. In a now chronically ill body, all of a sudden that was no longer possible. I couldn't and can't change this.

So I had to gradually adjust my expectations. I deliberately say adjust and not lower. Because I'm not worth less now than before or less deserving of achieving my goals. I'm no longer naive, no longer reaching for unattainable stars, but I still have dreams and wishes that I can fulfill. This is also possible with illness. I actually firmly believe that I can achieve something if I really want to. It may take me longer, I may have to take unconventional paths and adjust my expectations, especially of myself. But with positive thinking, the necessary commitment and, of course, hard work, it is possible.

It's not about functioning in any way, but about bundling your own strengths properly, believing in yourself, being aware of yourself and ultimately making a real effort. To live every single day consciously. Adapting it to the circumstances.

This clearly includes respecting your own boundaries. Accepting bad days when you are weak and need a rest as such and telling yourself it's okay. That's part of it. You can and must have these days and phases. The important thing is not to lose focus on the good things, the many small moments of happiness. Because they show us what we really have in life. They fuel our belief in ourselves and our true strength and abilities. These little moments, especially on the bad days, keep our heads above water.

Just because things are extremely difficult, stressful and challenging at the moment doesn't mean that your whole life and existence is bad!

And what is most important:

We can and should pat ourselves on the back from time to time. Praise ourselves when we achieve something, no matter what it is. Whether it's making the beds, writing a book, managing a challenging visit to the doctor, whatever. We can be proud of ourselves and acknowledge it. Put our own focus on ourselves.

Not setting our own standards against others. Stay focused on ourselves and our own projects, whatever they may be, and invest our own energy in ourselves. The path I took was long, painful and challenging, without question. But the reward in the form of complete satisfaction was more than worth it.

Holding life in your own hands brings peace!

I hold my life in my own hands today. I treat it as if it were priceless, fragile and my only valuable possession. Because that's how it is in the end. We only have this one life and, measured against the infinity of the universe, it is quite short. Often even shorter than we realize. That is why it is important to look after your life, take care of it and look after yourself very carefully, especially if you are chronically ill. I consciously say "yes" to my life. I take responsibility for myself, my well-being, my wellbeing, for the life I live. I act consciously and responsibly. I focus on my own being and take responsibility for it.

We are often unaware of the fact that personal responsibility is the only way to lead a self-determined, happy life. We are happy to hand over responsibility. To politicians and the healthcare system. To doctors and society itself. Of course, I'm not saying that nothing needs to change here, especially for us chronically ill people. But even if it often doesn't seem that way, we ourselves bear the responsibility in so many areas of our lives.

Let's take the example of doctors.

Especially someone like me with complex, rare, multisystemic chronic illnesses has to make a double and triple effort to find doctors. To do this, it was and is necessary to contact dozens of practices and in some cases to travel long distances. Of course, I can complain that no doctor in my immediate vicinity can or wants to treat me. But I can also say, okay, then I'll drive as far as necessary, accepting all the inconvenience and difficulties, because I want to get the help I deserve. That is entirely my own responsibility. It's my responsibility to free myself from supposed dependencies and to live my life for myself in a completely self-determined way.

Life itself is never straightforward. It consists of development, change, trials and tribulations. Of complex feelings, highs and lows. Life means that things change and develop, especially ourselves. Standing still makes us dissatisfied and unhappy. Everything that happens to us, every decision we make, everything we do shapes us, is formative and, in particular, everything, even the bad things, is an opportunity to grow. We grow through hurdles and difficulties, often even surpassing ourselves. Every dark phase of my life, every battle I have fought, especially with myself, has allowed me to grow and mature. It has gradually given me more self-confidence, strengthened my belief in myself and my abilities. Gave me more balance, because I was completely unbalanced. Kept up a facade.

A wall so that I didn't have to see what was right in front of me: the problems with myself and the real reason for my dissatisfaction - the lack of personal responsibility. But recognizing this, accepting it and ultimately changing it was by far the most difficult and challenging battle I have ever had to fight. At the same time, it was also the one that allowed me to grow the most. I deliberately say allowed. Because today I see it as a gift. It gave me a lot of new courage. A new sense of self-worth. A strong self-confidence. A clear view of my life so far, of my own needs and, above all, of what I really want: to live in harmony with myself and my being; to shape my life in such a way that I can enjoy it unconditionally; to be fully aware of myself and simply live. This required me to adapt to the circumstances, to turn some things completely upside down, to trust and follow the process, which ran in waves, to take many small steps and achieve small goals along the way and, above all, to acknowledge them. But with every small success, more and more of my despair dissipated.

At some point, it wasn't difficult or challenging at all, but a liberation that brought me so much good. Happiness and deep gratitude. Friendship and unconditional love, not least for myself. The ability to walk through my life again with open eyes and an eye for beauty. To be a mirror for myself and others.

In life, you are almost magnetically attracted to what you radiate. What you think and feel. If I only think negatively about myself and my life, then nothing good will happen to me. But if I focus my thoughts on the positive, good things will be there, visible and tangible. In short, I am simply the person I want to be. Cheerful, happy, courageous and strong. Self-confident and simply life-affirming, with all my illnesses, complaints and limitations. I am the person who holds his life in his own hands and makes the best of what he is given. I see myself, love, respect and honor myself. Because I am simply worth it. Say, without wanting to sound arrogant, that I am precious and deserve a good life.

Ode to fighting - fight for yourself!

I maintain that every fight is worthwhile, without exception, as long as you fight for yourself. Every fight is a victory in which there is something to be gained in some way and which brings you lasting good. After my diagnoses, I too had somehow lost my laughter, my zest for life. I was insecure, scared and thought I was broken. I had practically lost myself. I thought and felt against the wall. I was angry and desperate. Life plans gone. No hope. No faith. Trapped in nothingness. Neither at peace with myself nor with the world and life itself. Until, as already described, I chose the way out. I fought, mostly with myself. For a life worth living and a happy life. For myself alone. For my own happiness. It wasn't easy. It hurt and still hurts sometimes. The path was very rocky. Paved with sacrifices that I had to make. Paved with loss and everything I had to let go of.

But I got something in return. Light so brilliantly bright that it almost blinded me. Strength and self-confidence. Perseverance, discipline and stamina and, as a result, a lot of pride. I am proud of myself today, whenever I look at all the beauty in my life and realize what I have actually created for myself. I am neither cured nor free of complaints. But that wasn't my goal either. My dream, my wish, my goal was to lead a life worth living. To be grateful for everything I have and to value myself.

"Yes, it's always worth fighting!"

Love yourself, respect yourself and know your self-worth!

In order to fight, we need energy. Energy and also some self-confidence. That's why it's important, especially when chronic illness has an impact on everyday life, well-being and the psyche itself, that we respect ourselves, love ourselves unconditionally and actually know our self-worth. When I look back at the early days of my diagnoses, I mainly see insecurity and the inability to love myself like that. No longer the young power woman, but the small, incapable and weak something. It seemed impossible for me to accept myself as the sick woman who would need help from now on, and even more so to respect and love myself. I simply wasn't in a position to accept myself like that. This led to me being far too hard on myself. I made myself small. Looking back, all this did was rob me of my energy unnecessarily. I wasn't treating myself, my body and my psyche well. I had to rethink this too and I started to do so in very small steps. Every evening I thought about one thing that I had done well that day. Freshly made the beds. Cleaned the windows. Spent time in the playground with my children. Just always something that I could define as an achievement on my part. I started to tell myself that it was okay if I wasn't a power woman right now and needed time for myself. That my body is struggling in so many areas and that it has the right to recover. That I have the right to recover and do good things for myself again, eat well, do wellness, stop working myself to the bone, enjoy myself and have a good time.

Instead of telling myself what I didn't manage to do again, I tried to focus on what I did manage to do. Now you could say that making the beds is not a service and I would have agreed to that before I fell ill.

Today, however, I say that if my whole body hurts and I'm exhausted, then that's what it is and then I can praise myself for it, pat myself on the back. Instead of telling myself that I have to work, I allow myself to show weakness, to lean on myself, to let myself be helped. Step by step, I realized that even my sick self is worth loving. In the end, it also brought me a lot of good. Time and space for self-reflection. Lots of empathy and tolerance. Patience with myself and others. An eye for the really important and beautiful things in life. Acceptance and the ability to be resilient, to accept things, to simply accept myself, to see myself and my needs, to maintain my boundaries, to stand up for myself and to see, love and understand myself as a whole.

"Everything I need rests within me!"