My suffering - His guilt E-Book

Lisa-Marie Bruder

• Herausgeber: novum publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 294

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

A love story as it is written in the book. Mia moves to Hawaii, finds a job, makes friends and meets the love of her life, John. Everything seems perfect - if it weren't for Mia's past in Germany. She left her family behind there after some ugly things happened. Can she get over it in her new home? Can she forget the bad experiences she keeps reliving in her dreams? John has his own opinion on the matter and pulls strings in the background to help Mia. He only wants the best for his girlfriend and would like to reunite the family because he knows how much Mia is suffering from everything. But whether this is wise and leads to a good solution for everyone remains to be seen.

Leseprobe

Dedication

"To those who need to heal from things that were not their fault. YOU will make it and YOU will be happy again!"

Chapter 1

The sun is shining on my face and I'm slowly waking up. I look at my cell phone and see that it's only seven o'clock. So I still have half an hour before I should get up, because I don't have to be at the restaurant until nine. I've been working there for three years now. Jack, the owner, hired me when I was new in town three years ago right after he saw my resume. He was surprised that I wanted to move from a five-star restaurant to his old place. But I loved his restaurant called "The Hut" from the very first second. It's actually called "Malca", but translated you could say "The Hut". His restaurant was right on the coast and had an old flair that I loved. I could also always see the most beautiful sunset from there when I was on late shift. We actually offered everything you could imagine in terms of food: Pizza, burgers, soups, but also steaks.

At first I lived in a run-down boarding house, but everything changed after I met John. We hadn't known each other that long, but he was so keen for me to move in with him. To be honest, I was very unsure at first because we just didn't know each other that well yet, I would say that I fell more in love with John day by day, which is why I felt really at home less than two weeks after moving in. John knows all about my past because I wanted to be open and honest with him if he let me live with him. He didn't want any rent from me because he knew I didn't earn very much from Jack. Besides, John had enough money and didn't have to pay rent anyway because he owned the house. When his father died in a car accident six years ago, the house was signed over to him because he is an only child and therefore inherited everything. His mother left when he was three years old, so his father raised him alone. His father had a well-known fishing business where all the restaurants in the area bought their fish. When his father died, he also took over the business.

That's why he wasn't lying next to me now, because he'd been up since four o'clock so that he could set off at five o'clock on the dot to deliver the fresh fish to the surrounding hotels and restaurants. He didn't earn millions, but enough to keep him and me happy. John always asked me at the beginning why I was working for Jack and not applying for a job at the Michelin-starred restaurant in the other town. Of course I could have done that and I would certainly have got a job. But after working in high-end restaurants for several years, I got tired of serving rich old farts and always being nice, no matter how rude they were to me. That's not the case in the hut. Everyone is very nice and always happy when I serve them at the table. Many locals come to eat with us regularly and support Jack. He hasn't always had an easy life. His wife died of breast cancer ten years ago, which took its toll on him. He talked a lot about her and always told me that she was the only reason he still had the restaurant open. It was her passion. She loved cooking in the hut and making all the guests happy with her food. Jack is now 63 years old and could actually retire, but he doesn't want to. I think he needs a purpose in life, because unfortunately he has no children and many of his family have already passed away or don't live here on Maui in Hawaii.

When I came here three years ago, he was actually the first person I met and, as I said, hired me straight away, it was through him that I got to know John. John also supplied the hut with fish. The second time we met, he asked me if I would go for a coffee with him. At first I told him I didn't have time, but he didn't accept that. He tried again and again until I agreed to a date. Today I'm very glad I did, because I couldn't imagine my life without John. After all, he is the reason why I found my smile again. At first I was very scared to get involved with John, because I actually had a boyfriend back home in Germany. I still hate myself to this day for leaving Chase behind like that and not breaking up with him in person. But I couldn't stay in Germany any longer and I didn't want Chase to run off with me any more. Even now, after having John, I realize that I never really loved Chase. I guess I loved the idea of having someone to look after me and love me. I finally took off one night. Of course, I planned everything in advance with the flight and where I wanted to disappear to. I wrote Chase a letter and put it next to him when I left at night. I haven't seen him or heard from him since that night, because I didn't write him where I wanted to go in the letter. I left everything behind: him, my best friends, my job and even my family. Although my family was the reason why I left. It's still very painful for me to think about my past, I often had bad thoughts and was afraid that I might act on them at some point in my despair. That's why I had no choice but to leave everything behind me, otherwise I probably wouldn't be alive now.

But now it was time to get up. I pulled on John's shirt and slipped into my comfy socks. First a coffee and then off to the shower. I was ready by eight o'clock and went out to my bike. John wanted to get me a car, but I didn't want to, because the cottage was only five minutes away by bike and we could go shopping in his car. I enjoy riding my bike to work every morning and breathing in the fresh air. When I arrived at the cottage, I could already see our chef and John putting away the fresh fish that John had delivered to us.

"Good morning, my darling," John said to me and gave me a kiss.

"Good morning John," I said and returned the kiss.

"Well, did your fishermen catch much tonight?"

"Yes, with the storm a few days ago, the fish have all swum towards the coast, so we have good catches. By the way, JJ and Mary are coming over tonight.

I've invited them to a barbecue. They bring the meat and a salad. We're responsible for the drinks. I'll go shopping after work."

"That sounds great, then we can start the weekend in comfort. I have to go in now, see you later, darling." I kissed him goodbye once more and went into the hut.

It was quite busy and I had to stay a little longer than I thought, but I'm happy to do that because I was often allowed to go home earlier when there wasn't much going on. I got on my bike and rode home. As I rode towards the olive green house, a smile crossed my lips. John's house wasn't the most modern, but it had its own charm. We had a large veranda and a huge garden behind the house, where we also had a jetty straight into the water. I had planted a vegetable garden a few months ago, so we harvested a lot and no longer had to buy everything from the supermarket.

John and JJ were already firing up the barbecue. They've known each other since they were in kindergarten together. They've been best friends ever since. JJ's real name is also John and everyone used to call them the double J, so John got the nickname JJ so people could tell them apart. I really like JJ because he took to me like a friend straight away and was always nice to me. He has blond hair and cheeky blue eyes. He's not very tall though. But that doesn't bother his girlfriend Mary at all. John has known them both since they were children. They were all three in the same group in kindergarten and then in the same class at school. Mary and JJ have been a couple since they were fifteen. In two years' time, they will have been together for ten years. Over time, I've also found a good friend in Mary. When we met, I immediately liked her because she talks just as much as I do. With her dark brown hair and sparkling green eyes, you can't help but like her.

We spent the whole evening laughing and eating JJ's burnt sausages. He claimed they were so perfect, but we all disagreed. We laughed again all evening at JJ's stupid comments and downed bottle after bottle of wine, so I was pretty buzzed. When Mary and JJ left that evening, I decided to clean everything up the next morning and go to bed. John went to take a shower and by the time he had joined me in bed, I was already asleep.

Chapter 2

When I opened my eyes the next morning, I felt a sharp pain in my head. John was lying next to me, still sleeping soundly. There is nothing better for me than going to sleep with him at the weekend and waking up together. Saturday and Sunday were the only days we could start the day together because John usually had to get up so early for work. Today, however, I had to forgo waiting until John got up to have another cuddle with him because I desperately needed an aspirin and a cold shower. When I got out of the shower, John was already awake and preparing breakfast for us.

"Good morning Mia, did you sleep well?" he asked and took me in his arms.

"I will never drink alcohol again. I know I've said that before, but this time I mean it."

John laughed and gave me a kiss on my forehead.

"Come on, sit down and eat something, then you'll soon feel better again."

After breakfast, we sat out on the veranda with a cup of coffee. We thought about what we could do, because I didn't have every weekend off and so we had to make the most of it. Fortunately, my head was feeling better again.

"What do you say we go surfing later and I'll take you to the movies tonight? It's been so long since we've been to the movies and I hear there's a new action movie out."

I thought it was a great idea and agreed. John has been trying to teach me to surf ever since we met, but I'm just too untalented. I have no sense of balance and therefore always fall off the board. But I didn't mind, because as long as I could spend time with John, I was fine with it. I enjoyed spending time with John because it always distracted me from my negative thoughts. Since I've experienced such bad things in the past, I ruminate a lot. Most of the time I don't even realize it until John pulls me out of my daydreams. He always tells me to stop mourning the past and start living in the now. I know that sounds harsh, but in the end he's right. It's just really hard for me because I miss my parents a lot. I haven't spoken to them or seen them for three years. Even they don't know I'm here, because if they had known, they would have brought me back or told my friends. Or worse, they would have told Chase. I don't know what I would do if I met Chase here. He was a nice friend and I loved him very much, at least I thought so at the time. We had a nice time together but since I met John, I realized that Chase didn't really know me at all. John knows what to do to make me laugh when I'm sad. He knows how to cheer me up when I'm upset about something and most importantly, he loves me with all his heart. I can tell by the way he looks at me, the way he treats me and most importantly, he tells me so often how much he loves me. Chase never did that.

When we'd finished surfing and I'd once again failed all round, John finally agreed to go home. John went on his computer because he wanted to google something and I went into the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. I sat on the sofa and watched a cooking show. I was pretty tired from surfing and decided to close my eyes for a bit.

John woke me up early enough to give me time to shower and get ready for our movie. We drove to the movie theater in John's car, which was only a twenty-five minute walk, but John wanted to drive because otherwise he would arrive at the theater all sweaty. Understandable when it was thirty-five degrees outside, even though it was already 7pm. The movie was great and even quite funny, although it was actually an action movie. We decided to go to the local ice cream parlor after the movie and get a milkshake to go. We ended the evening comfortably on the veranda and then went to bed quite early. John could always fall asleep straight away, but unfortunately I couldn't at all. I always brooded a lot when I was lying in bed. When I finally fell asleep, my dreams started again.

I heard him screaming, it was such a horrible scream. My dad was screaming too and my mom was just crying and yelling all the time, "Mike, please stop!" He sat on my younger brother Paul, who was lying on the floor, and punched him in the face. Over and over again. My father tried to pull Mike off Paul, but he was just too weak. After a few blows, Paul's blood was already running down his face onto the floor. I ran to the phone and called the police. This was already the third time this year. Whenever Mike lost at the casino, he came home angry and took it all out on my younger brother. My parents never did much except blame each other. Mike was already twenty-one at the time, so the youth welfare office couldn't do anything, and the police could only help us if my parents or Paul pressed charges against Mike. But they never did. Paul came close to reporting him once, but then my father convinced him that he couldn't do that to the family. I kept seeing my mother fighting back tears, but I never understood why she just stood by and did nothing to help Paul.

"Mia, wake up. It's all right," John said to me and shook my shoulders gently. I had once again screamed in my dream, which I had been doing quite often recently. Drenched in sweat, I looked at John and just stammered:

"Sorry for waking you up."

John took me in his arms.

"Did you have another nightmare?"

I nodded, because I couldn't tell him that I hadn't been dreaming a nightmare, but about my past in Germany. If I told him, he would just be very worried again and I didn't want that. It was hard enough for me to tell him everything, but I didn't want to bring it up again and again, because in the end it was my past and it wasn't important to me now. I often had flashbacks like that in my dreams, which was quite annoying. It showed me that I wasn't just being reminded of my past, but also how much I miss my parents. My parents are still the best parents in the world in my eyes, even though they allowed me to grow up with violence and fear for so many years. They tried to make everything possible for me and my brothers. But when Mike became addicted to gambling and also had a drinking problem, they no longer had any control over him and his actions. I was aware that they were in a quandary because we are all their children. Nevertheless, they should have done something, especially for Paul. He now has so many scars on his body because of Mike that I couldn't tell you how many there are. It wasn't just the physical violence we had to endure because of him. No, the worst thing was the psychological violence, which Mike was pretty good at. He could manage to hurt me more with one sentence than with a punch in the face. When I think of him, all I really feel is hate. Hatred and anger. Anger at myself for letting Paul and my parents down, but I just couldn't take it anymore. When I left, I was in a pretty bad mental state, which is why I had pretty dark thoughts that I luckily never acted on. But I just knew I had to get out of there to start a new beginning. Initially, when I first came here to Hawaii, I thought a lot about going back because I missed my parents and Paul so much. However, I knew it was the right thing to do because I just couldn't take it anymore. I often think about Paul and pray that he's okay. Maybe he has also run away and is now leading a happy life. At least I really hope so. My hope that Mike would come to his senses at some point was dashed after he made three attempts to get his alcohol problem and gambling addiction under control. I hope so much that my parents are okay and that they kicked him out. They deserve a happy life because they are good-hearted people. None of my friends knew what I had been through at home. My best friend at the time knew a little about it. But only enough so that it didn't sound scary, because I knew she would want to help me. On the one hand, I wanted help, but on the other hand, I was very uncomfortable talking about it. Chase actually knew everything, because he heard just about everything. I was never really embarrassed in front of him because I wanted him to really know me and that included my crazy family, which is putting it nicely. The day Chase had watched Mike give me a whack and he hadn't done anything, I knew he was letting me down too, just like my parents. So I decided to leave. I knew he would have loved to help me, but I also knew that Chase was terrified of Mike and that's why he didn't intervene. Of course, he was terribly worried and immediately went with me to his house and apologized for not intervening. Five days after this happened, I was already on a plane to Hawaii. When I got there I had terrible anxiety and was about to go back home, and then I met John. I liked him from the minute I met him, but I wasn't really planning on dating men that early, since I had just left Chase. But John just changed everything. My self-love has changed too. I feel so comfortable in my own skin now and that's mainly because of John. He accepts me for who I am and doesn't want to change me. I used to hate my curves and tried to get rid of them, but all the stress at home always made me binge. I now exercise regularly and eat a mostly healthy diet. My curves are still there, but more defined. John has simply changed everything for the better and I'm damn happy about that!

I was on late shift today, which meant I didn't have to start work until 12 noon. When I had to work on Saturdays or Sundays, John always came to the hut with me and ate lunch with us. And that was the case again today. John was a popular man in the town, almost everyone knew him and he knew everyone else too. The other women were all jealous when they heard that John now had a girlfriend. Mary told me that John was the total girl crush at school, but he never made anything of it. John often doesn't even notice how women look at him or interact with him. I'm always seething with jealousy inside, but he never understands why. It was quite warm today, so I worked up quite a sweat at work. I got off work at twenty-two and rode my bike home in comfort. The light was still on, which probably meant that John was still awake. I kept wondering how he could stay awake for so long and have to get up again at 4 a.m. and still be in top form.

"Hey, darling," I said and gave him a kiss.

"I'm going to take a shower, I'm all sweaty."

As I stood in the shower, I noticed the bathroom door slowly open. John carefully stepped into the shower and looked at me with his chestnut brown eyes.

"I really missed you today."

He stroked my cheek and began to kiss my neck. Very slowly, he caressed it from top to bottom. Now his hands came into play. He knew exactly what he was doing and slowly inserted his middle and index finger into me. I had to lean against the shower wall because my knees were already like pudding.

"Do you like that?" he asked in a raspy voice.

He gently curved his fingers inside me and stroked my chest with his other hand. I loved that he had such an explosive effect on me and my body. I'd never had that before with anyone like I had with him. Sex with Chase wasn't bad and I thought it couldn't get any better. I didn't know John then. Now he let go of my breast and firmly took my face with his hand and kissed me wildly. I excitedly placed my hands on his shoulders and curved my hips to the tempo of his fingers. And there he was. It slowly rose up inside me and exploded like a firework on New Year's Eve. So far, no one has managed to bring me to orgasm as quickly as he did. Not even my Satisfyer. I could feel him getting hard and pressing against my thigh. He grabbed me by both thighs, lifted me up and pushed him firmly inside me. I cried out in shock and at the same time because it felt so good. He came out slowly and then pushed it back in me all the harder. I tore at his hair and moaned in his ear

"Oh my God, John, this is so good."

I could also tell that he was on the verge of orgasm. He penetrated me hard five more times and then spilled himself inside me. He kissed my mouth one last time and then lowered me to the floor again. He took the shower gel and lovingly lathered us both up. After the shower, we sat down in front of the TV for a while, but John soon fell asleep on the sofa. I woke him up gently and we slowly got into bed.

Chapter 3

Today I'm meeting Mary for breakfast at our favorite café. It's called "Stübchen" and is very close to Mary's house, which is why I always cycle to her and then we walk from her to the café. The waitress Josy greets us with a warm smile. We go there very often, so she already knows us. As always, I order a vanilla cappuccino and a cheese croissant. We now have a regular spot where we sit every time it's free. Today we're sitting there again, right in the corner by the front door, where you can look out of the window directly onto the coast. I would never have thought that a beautiful view could calm me down so much. We went through the latest gossip and Mary told me that her boss had been super rude to her again. Mary works in a nursery, which is why I always get the most beautiful flowers from her for all birthdays and holidays. They have their own garden behind the nursery where they grow vegetables which they sell in the store. Their boss is always quite mean, but we still don't know why she is. Mary always says it's because she hasn't been laid in a long time. Her boss is actually quite pretty, but unfortunately only on the outside. After breakfast, we lay in Mary's garden and drank her homemade lemonade. My cell phone rang and when I picked it up, I saw that it was already 4 pm. John was calling me.

"Hey John, you're off work already. I'm still at Mary's and forgot all about the time."

"Hey Mia, no problem. I'm just calling because I have something important to show you and it would be good if you came home right away."

Suddenly I had a strange feeling.

"Um, okay, John, I'll be on my way then."

I finished my lemonade and told Mary about the strange conversation with John. As I finished my drink, I had to promise her that I would call her straight away and tell her what John wanted to show me. Mary had always been super curious, but I had no problem with that, because by now she was my best friend and I had no secrets from her.

The whole time I was riding home on my bike, I was wondering what urgent thing he wanted to show me. When I arrived, he was already standing outside on the porch. I kissed him hello, but John gave me a funny look.

"I have something to tell you, or rather I have something to show you."

He took me to the office and sat me down in front of the computer.

"Please don't freak out, but I was so curious about your family. I came across something that might interest you."

He didn't hesitate for a second and opened his Facebook page and there he was.

The person who made me leave my life behind, the person who made me feel bad for so many years. My brother Mike. I was completely shocked, because his profile picture didn't just show him, but a rather pretty woman who was obviously heavily pregnant.

"Your brother is going to be a father," John said to me in a rather serious tone.

I see his n picture and then an anger arises in me that I haven't felt for a long time.

"Are you crazy, looking for my family on Facebook? And him too? I don't want to know if he's going to be a father or what else is going on with him. He destroyed my whole life and I had to leave Germany just because of him." Tears were already streaming down my cheeks and I jumped up from my chair.

"Mia, I know that, but I just want to help you!"

"You call that helping? You were supposed to protect me and take care of me!"

"But I do, Mia! You'll never feel better if you don't finally come to terms with your past!"

I moved towards John and raised my index finger to his chest.

"You should hate Mike! You should want to punch him in the face and not protect him. He destroyed my life and tortured me!" I screamed at him.

John grabbed my arms and tried to hold me tight.

"Mia, I know he destroyed your life. And of course I would love to punch him in the face. I'd love to make him suffer like you did. But then I'm no better than him!"

"I don't want to hear any of this!" I screamed, and I wriggled out of his arms.

I ran off and fled into the garden. My bike was at the garden fence, I grabbed it and started pedaling. I could still hear John behind me telling me to stop, but his voice got softer and softer.

My thoughts were going round in circles and I couldn't get the carousel of thoughts in my head to stop. I didn't know what else to think or feel. All I could see was this image in front of me and I couldn't think straight. Mike is going to be a father. It's too much, just too much. How can such a monster become a father? Is he going to do something like that to his child? What does my mother say? Are they still in contact? And who is that woman standing next to him?

Suddenly I skidded and fell over with my bike. My whole leg was covered in dirt and my knee was completely scraped, which caused blood to run down my shin. And at that moment, I couldn't hold back my tears. I couldn't believe that he was now starting his own family, even though he had destroyed ours. My life would have been completely different. I mean, I love my life now and I'm glad I met John, but did I have to go through years of agony for that?

It thundered loudly and I decided to go back home because I had no other choice. At first I thought about going to Mary's, but then I would have to tell her everything and I just couldn't do that now. She knew a few details about my past life, but I never told her about the bad things that had happened. When I arrived at the house, it was pouring with rain and I was soaked through to my underpants. And then I saw John running out of the front door.

"I was so worried about you! Why did you just run away? I didn't mean any harm. I couldn't have kept it to myself."

Although I was pretty angry with John, I ran into his arms and sobbed so loudly that you could hear it despite the thunder. Only now did John notice the wound on my knee.

"Oh no, Mia, your knee is bleeding. Have you fallen down? Come on, let's go inside and I'll fix you up."

I went into the shower first and John never left my side. He waited until I'd finished showering and then carefully tended to my injury. We didn't say a word to each other during this time, which was fine with me because I didn't want to talk about it now. I just wanted to sleep and, at best, wake up the next morning and realize that it was just a nightmare. I picked up my cell phone and texted Mary that everything was fine and that I would get back to her soon.

Chapter 4

When I woke up in the morning, I heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I jumped up and looked carefully through the door. It was John, and after a moment's hesitation I decided to go to him.

"What are you still doing here? You should have been at work for hours!"

"Good morning to you too, Mia. I took the day off and I also called Jack and called you in sick. I told him that you had an accident and that's why you're staying home today."

At that moment, I got so angry with John again.

"You can't call my boss and report me sick! Are you crazy, what are you thinking? First you stalk my family on Facebook and now you decide when I go to work and when I don't?" I shouted at him. He was obviously getting angry now too and was also grumbling at me.

"You can't think straight at the moment, which is why I have to do it for you now! Besides, I didn't stalk your family. But do you think your nightmares are going to stop if you just keep denying everything? You need to finally face up to your past and let your parents know where you are and that you're okay. Your mother is absolutely sick with worry! She posts every day that you should get in touch. She's even asking others to keep an eye out and look for you too!"

Now I had to swallow.

"You were on my mother's side?" I was in tears again.

John came to me and took me in his arms.

"Mia, I know it's difficult for you and I would never interfere, but I can see how it's bothering you. And you miss your parents and Paul."

"Of course I miss her. So much so that I can hardly breathe. At first I was so angry with them because they didn't stop all this, and now I'm just scared that if I try to contact them, Mike will find me and hurt me again."

John lifted my chin up and looked deep into my eyes.

"He will never hurt you again. I will make sure of that. I promise you that! But you have to get in touch with your mother. Please, Mia. It's been three years now and I'm sure she misses you as much as you miss her."

I know he's right, but am I really ready to call my mom yet?

"You don't have to tell your mother where you are. We'll call with the number suppressed and then she won't be able to trace where you live."

This idea was actually not so bad, but what should I say to her on the phone?

I am completely overwhelmed by this situation.

"I'll make you a suggestion. We'll have breakfast now and then we'll look at your mother's Facebook page together. Maybe then it will be easy for you to call her when you see how sad she is."

I reluctantly agreed. I tried to eat a little, but I just couldn't get anything down. John, on the contrary, ate for two. He could always eat, no matter what situation he was in. After John had finished his breakfast, we sat down together in front of the computer and looked at my mother's Facebook page, then my father's and finally Paul's. There were pictures of me everywhere with cries for help and that they missed me and that I should come back. Chase had also added something to many of the posts, but the further I scrolled down, the fewer posts there were from him. He probably just gave up hope after a while.

"John, I think I want to look at Mike's site again."