Raising Badass Kids E-Book

CJ Scarlet

• Herausgeber: WS
• Kategorie: Für Kinder und Jugendliche
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 362

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

If you’ve ever lost sleep worrying about your kid’s safety, you’re not alone. You may want to wrap your tween or teen in a protective bubble but doing so could emotionally cripple them and make them more, not less, vulnerable to predators.

In Raising Badass Kids, danger expert CJ Scarlet teaches you how to empower your 10 to 18-year-old to avoid and defend themselves from dangerous situations, ranging from bullying/cyberbullying and online dangers to sexual abuse and sex trafficking. 

This super informative, unputdownable book (with TONS of downloadable bonus content!) is the new bible for parents looking to raise safe, savvy, confident kids.

Not teaching your kid how to protect themself makes them less safe and puts them at risk! You—and your child—have more power to protect them than you think. Raising Badass Kids is a genuine lifesaver, so read it now and be the parent your child deserves!

Leseprobe

Table of Contents

Dedication

Foreword

Introduction Only the Smartiest of Pants Actually Read the Intro…

PART I Toxic People and How They Groom Kids

Chapter 1 The Skinny on Predators

Chapter 2 Stranger Danger? Not So Fast!

Chapter 3 Juvenile Sex Offenders

Chapter 4 All in the Family

Chapter 5 When Authority Figures Abuse Their Power

PART II Where Danger Lurks

Chapter 6 Bullying and Cyberbullying

Chapter 7 Online Dangers

Chapter 8 Sexual Molestation and Assault

Chapter 9 Sex Trafficking

PART III What Your Kid Needs to Know

Chapter 10 Yes, No, Maybe So: Talking About Consent

Chapter 11 Teaching Your Kid About Body Safety

Chapter 12 Empowering Kids With Disabilities

PART IV Taking Your Kid to the Next Level

Chapter 13 Confidence Rules!

Chapter 14 Teaching Your Kid to Fight Like Taz

Chapter 15 Keep the Conversation Going

Helping You Bring It All Together

Badass Grandma’s Final Thoughts

About the Author

Acknowledgments

End Notes

Dedication

This book is dedicated to Carter, Abby, and Elliott for inspiring me to share my wisdom to keep you safe and to protect other kids in the process. I love you more than life itself!

To my dear friend John Mitterling, whose kindness, generosity, and integrity are an inspiration.

I’d also like to dedicate this book to you–the badass reading these words—for parenting up and doing your best to ensure your precious child’s safety.

At the end of this book, you’ll find information about my 21-Day Action Plan that will help you implement the advice I share here, so you raise a badass kid who knows how to avoid dangerous people and to protect and defend themself.

Following this easy and clear action plan will allow you to establish a closer relationship with your child, leading to engaging, two-way conversations that show them you’re paying attention and have their back.

It will also enable you to spot problems, clear up misunderstandings, and open up opportunities to talk at a deeper level about any issues that are on your kid’s mind—making YOU a seriously badass parent!

Foreword

Raise your hand if you were taught “don’t talk to strangers” as you were growing up. This old advice, as unhelpful and inaccurate as it is, was the main message I received as a kid. My parents meant well, but they had not been taught anything about child safety, so despite their best efforts, they had little to teach me. Before the 1980s, “Predator Proofing” was barely even a concept!

The good news is that generation by generation, we have learned a lot more about how to prevent abuse and recognize dangerous situations early so they can be stopped at the earliest possible moment. CJ Scarlet’s powerful voice speaks across generations. Her Badass Grandma wisdom can wake you up, shake you by the shoulders, and give you solid guidance about what to look out for and how to respond to protect the kids in your life.

As a child safety expert, my approach is a little different than CJ’s. Her Badass Grandma voice and approach are uniquely her own. You’ll see–she is an original who just can’t be copied! The fact remains, though, that at the foundational level, we are operating on a common set of core principles. I think it’s cool to see that.

CJ’s voice is no-nonsense, blunt, and she gets right to the heart of the matter. She has a wealth of experience and information to share. And she does it in a way that resonates with today’s parents.

Child safety is an all-hands-on-deck effort. CJ and I both believe deeply that child safety starts at home and extends into the world. Parents and other caring adults are the eyes, ears, and early warning and response systems on the lookout for safety problems. This is true within families, neighborhoods, schools, and organizations.

It helps to have allies, so bring your friends and colleagues along with you on this journey. This is an excellent opportunity for grassroots leadership to create positive change. Grassroots vigilance, and yes, even pressure, have been crucial in exposing serious cases of abuse and getting organizations to do the right thing to protect kids.

You can do this! Badass Grandma CJ Scarlet is here to show you how.

Amy Tiemann, PhD Co-author of Doing Right by Our Kids: Protecting Child Safety at All Levels and Kidpower International Senior Program Leader

INTRODUCTION

Only the Smartiest of Pants Actually Read the Intro…

Wait. What? That headline doesn’t make sense, but if you’re a smarty pants, you get my drift.

And it’s true! Did you know 90 percent of people don’t read book introductions?i That’s because they’re not nearly as smart or progressive or— let’s just say it—good-looking as you are.

Whether or not you believe yourself to be smart or attractive (you’re the bee’s knees, I promise!), please read this section; it sets the groundwork for the following chapters AND it’s entertaining!

I want to begin by complimenting you on your incredible taste in books. Raising Badass Kids is the most comprehensive manual available to parents who want to teach their children ages 10 to 18 how to avoid danger and protect and defend themselves from sketchy people.

You—and your kid—have more power to protect them from predators than you may think. My biggest emphasis in this and my other books is on avoiding danger part because there’s so much you both can do to keep them from ever becoming the target of bad people.

#MeToo is a great and necessary movement, but it focuses on “it happened to me.” MY focus is on #NotMeToo and #NotMyKid—in other words, on preventing violence before it occurs.

The military refers to this as staying “left of bang.” “Bang” is the actual assault; everything that precedes it, that you do to prevent it, is called “left of bang.” What occurs after an encounter—what you do in response to the assault—is “right of bang.”

You obviously want your child to stay left of bang by teaching them how to spot dangerous people and thwart an assault before it can take place. Raising Badass Kids will help you do exactly that.

This Isn’t Your Momma’s Parenting Book Because I Ain’t Your Momma

Dr. Spock is rolling over in his grave, I’m sure, over the mere existence of this book.ii Put flatly, it’s as irreverent as it gets. This gallows humor is my way of dealing with distressing topics so we don’t get lost in the darkness.

I wrote the book to be snarky intentionally. It’s mainly for GenXers and Millennials (and the generations that follow), and, well, it’s hard as hell to get your attention. Your world today isn’t even remotely close to the world I lived in when I was parenting in the ’80s and ’90s.

I’m not saying there weren’t school shootings and bullies to deal with, but it wasn’t, like, IN YOUR FACE EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE DAY, NO MATTER WHERE YOU LOOKED! AAAAAHHHHHH!

Yeah, the interwebs are great, but it also makes it appear that danger lurks around every corner, hovering over your kid, waiting to pounce. And social media? Ye Gods! It’s a free-for-all!

Perfectly nice, “normal” people who wouldn’t say boo to a goose in real life turn into complete monsters online, trolling people and spewing invective and even hate speech like it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Any one of us can be a target, but parents are a special favorite of SPPTs (Supposedly Perfect Parent Trolls) who catch a tiny snippet of others’ “not-so-fine” parenting moments and lay them to utter waste, destroying reputations and self-esteem like Godzilla rampaging Tokyo.

These SPPTs post pictures of themselves laughing a little too hysterically while drinking (potentially spiked) hot cocoa with their SPKs (Supposedly Perfect Kids) and drive suspiciously clean minivans that look like they were cleaned by someone trying to cover up a crime scene. Every photo, video, opinion, or frustration shared by another parent online is taken out of context, dissected, distorted, and then harshly judged by a jury of their peers. Doesn’t matter which side you’re on; half the people not only disagree with it; they’re going to insist that you’re the devil incarnate and should be summarily shot.

These people take time from their busy-but-not-at-all-stressful lives to remind you how badly you’re failing because your kid (gasp!) hasn’t yet taken the PSAT, and your car looks like the crime scene before the serial killer broke out the Shop-Vac®.

Never have so many judged so many others so often based on so little evidence and aforethought. No wonder my daughter-in-law and every other young mom I’ve talked with feel like they can’t possibly win this rigged parenting game.

Well, I’ll tell you a little secret: It’s all an elaborate hoax. There are no perfect moms or dads, and no one, not one single parent out there, knows with certainty what they’re doing. We’re all just winging it and praying we don’t raise a serial killer of our own (although, on the plus side, his car would be very, very clean—just sayin’).

Know that I see you. I see you doing your best under tremendous pressure and I think you’re doing a kickass job. So, stop comparing your hot messy insides to other people’s seemingly together outsides, and keep your attention where it belongs—on your kids.

Just like a Horror Movie, Only With a Happier Ending

While writing this guide, I struggled mightily with how to present the facts about childhood dangers without scaring you so badly you’d put the book down and never touch it again.

It’s hard to discuss subjects as harrowing as sexual abuse, bullying, online dangers, and sex trafficking without dragging you and your child into a dark place that can lead to hopelessness and helplessness, which can morph into apathy and paralysis. Definitely, not a productive place to be when you’re trying to protect your tween or teen.

I don’t believe terrifying you will spur you to action, as most experts and authors on these topics appear to believe. After reading this book, I want you to feel confident in your newfound ability to talk candidly with your kid without scaring her to death.

Yes, I will lay out some of the facts and stats to let you know what you’re up against, but in a way that’s enlightening and not designed to sensationalize the information and scare the bejesus out of you.

Having said that, I am going to scare you initially because I want to juxtapose the petrifying facts you’ll find on the internet and evening news with the more realistic data based on actual studies. So, let’s begin.

The Awful, Horrible, Terrifying Facts

Did you know?

● Half of all children in the world experience some form of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse by the time they’re 18.1

● Abusive experiences in childhood create fresh victims and predators, who often pass these experiences down from generation to generation.

● Survivors of child sexual abuse are 10 to 13 times more likely to attempt suicide.2

● Nearly 30 percent of active sex trafficking cases in the U.S. in 2022 involved children.3

● While kids today participate in regular active shooter drills at school, only the tiniest fraction get body safety training. When they do, the focus is often on “stranger danger” when, in fact, the vast majority of molestations and assaults are committed by people they know.4

● Eighty-nine percent of predators meet their victims online and through chat rooms.5

Quivering with fear yet? You’re not alone. Most parents feel anxious when confronted with these jaw-dropping facts. They feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the problem and by their own lack of knowledge about how to prepare their kids to live in a world that’s often hostile to them.

Parents are doing their best, but, to not scare their kids, they aren’t being honest about the dangers they face. As such, they’re making their children more vulnerable to predators. It’s time to change this self-defeating, no-win situation and give your kid what he needs to live a safe, confident, happy life.

And Now for Something Completely Different

Okay, you can stop hyperventilating and take a deep breath. The world isn’t as bad as the media makes it sound, and you and your kid have the power to keep him safe.

Let’s balance the terrifying statistics listed above with a bit of perspective. When I used to hear that more than 400,000 children were missing and exploited each year, I envisioned kids being snatched off street corners by strangers every other minute. But that’s NOT true!

Of the 359,094 children reported as missing or exploited in 2022:

● About 94 percent simply misunderstood directions or miscommunicated their plans, were lost, or ran away.6

● Five percent were kidnapped by family members involved in a custody dispute.7

● One percent were abducted by non-family members that the kids knew, usually during the commission of a crime, such as robbery or sexual assault.8

● Only around 105 children (less than 1 percent of all child victims9) are kidnapped each year in the stereotypical stranger abductions sensationalized on the evening news.10(Of course, that’s 105 too many!) Of these, just 65 predators were complete strangers.11

● A whopping 99.8 percent of the children who go missing (whether abducted or runaways) return home.12

And a few more reassuring facts:

● The number of identified incidents of child sexual abuse has decreased by almost 50 percent since the 1990s.13

● Rates of sexual assault and domestic violence have been declining for decades and are now a quarter or less of their past peaks.14

● Since the early 1990s, the rate for all crimes—violent and nonviolent against both children and adults—has plummeted by up to 77 percent.15

We’ve Got It All Wrong

According to cognitive psychologist and author Steven Pinker, “Violence has been in decline for thousands of years, and today we may be living in the most peaceable era in the existence of our species.”16 (Italics are mine.)

Despite these encouraging facts, nearly 90 percent of adults say they feel less safe than when they were growing up, even though today’s crime rates are at a level not seen since the 1960s!17

So, if crime rates in the U.S. and the world, in general, have gone down so dramatically, why do we remain convinced our kids are in grave peril if we let them out of our sight? I think it’s because the teasers for the evening news assure us that if we don’t watch their programs, we’ll miss details of the latest ghastly shooting spree and never learn critical things like the three ways our toaster oven is plotting to murder our entire family while we sleep. It could also be that we binge-watch too many horrific crime dramas and shows filled with apocalyptic images of dead people who want to eat our brains.iii

We also worry because we’re genetically hardwired to pay more attention to things that appear to pose an imminent threat than to stuff that seems unlikely to happen, say, being killed by a vending machine or a falling coconut (both of which happen more often than you’d think).

Parents are terrified of terrorist attacks and serial killers when in fact, their child is far more likely to be killed by a rogue champagne cork. Sure, it could happen, but are you really going to encase your kid in bubble wrap and make him waddle to school like a drunken leprechaun every day?

Bubble Wrap? Hmmm…

Clearly, you love and want to protect your kid from harm, or you wouldn’t be reading this book. You may worry about his safety and want to arm him with information, but you don’t want to leave him feeling petrified. You may have no idea what to say or how to say it, so he’ll actually listen to and apply your cautionary advice.

Face it, you’re not your child’s BFF, and you shouldn’t be. You’re meant to be his protector, role model, gatekeeper, boundary teacher, motivator, sounding board, comforter, and, yes, accountability holder when needed.

You may want to wrap your child in a protective cocoon and defend him from every harm, but doing so could emotionally cripple him and make him MORE vulnerable to predators, not less. Teaching your kid to fear every stranger and new situation actually inhibits his intuitive wisdom that tells him when he’s in danger.

Don’t be afraid your sweetums will lose his innocence if you teach him about body safety. Won’t happen. This is a cold, cruel world we live in, and your kid knows more than you realize. In fact, he’ll be more empowered and far safer when he knows the dangers and how to meet them head-on. It’s waaaay better to teach your child about sexual abuse, for example, than to pick up the pieces later because he didn’t know how to protect himself.

A Word about Worry

I want to stop for a minute to talk about worry and how to release it because, frankly, it’s freaking you and your kid out and making the situation worse. While it’s important to be informed about the dangers your child faces, such knowledge is destructive when it spirals into worry and obsession over her safety.

Worrying is not a sustainable state; a normal person simply can’t maintain that anxious state of mind and remain sane. Plus, it’s shrinking your brain mass, making you age faster, and lowering your IQ. Look it up; it’s science.

Author and personal protection expert Gavin De Becker notes that “Worry fights off that dreadful feeling that there’s nothing we can do because worrying feels like we’re doing something…” De Becker goes on, “When faced with some worry or uncertain fear, ask yourself: ‘Am I responding to something in my environment or to something in my imagination?’” He advises that the best antidote to worry is action, which he addresses in his outstanding book Protecting the Gift.

Here’s what I do when my mind starts wigging out at 3 a.m. as I envision something horrible happening to my grandbabies: As soon as I catch my thoughts spinning out of control, I close my eyes and say to myself, “Control-Alt-Delete” and then open my eyes. Those who aren’t complete Luddites know that pressing “Control-Alt-Delete” on your keyboard will enable you to reboot your computer. Do this blinking exercise as often as it takes until the boogeyman in your head disappears.

You may think it sounds stupid or too simplistic, but I’m telling you there’s something about mentally thinking “Control-Alt-Delete” and blinking your eyes that takes the needle off that murdery broken record playing in your head.

Stress expert Don Joseph Goewey notes, “Nature gave us a 90-second window to bust stressful thinking before it takes a long walk off a short pier.”18 Put plainly: The more you use techniques that divert stressful thoughts, the stronger the synapses that end worry become.

I love how Goewey explains this: “The part of the brain that causes stress reactions literally has the intelligence of a toddler. And every parent knows you don’t stop a tantrum by appealing to a child’s logic. You distract the child.”

Techniques like my clever blink mantra distract your mind’s terrible two-year-old and keep it from running amok. Next time you can’t sleep because you have visions of predatory sugarplums dancing in your head, try using the “Control-Alt-Delete” maneuver and get some sleep!

Because I Said So! Or Why You Should Listen to Me

Who on earth am I to advise parents on keeping their kids safe? Well, I’m a danger expert, victim advocate for the past 33 years, and author of four books on personal safety. I’m also the survivor of childhood molestations and sexual assault as a college freshman, offering me the unenviable perspective of a crime victim.

I served as executive director of a child advocacy center for abused children and as Director of Victims’ Issues for the NC Attorney General’s Office. I hold an interdisciplinary master’s degree in human violence. I volunteered for Safe Child’s “Funny Tummy” program, which teaches first graders how to say no and tell if they encounter dangerous people. I also continue my work with survivors of child abuse, domestic violence, and sexual assault, and I’m a parent coach, helping them empower their kids to stay safe. So, when it comes to discussing abuse and danger, I’m considered an expert.

Finally (and most importantly), I raised two sons and am the doting grandma to three rapidly aging munchkins. When confronted with the simple innocence of my grandchildren, my experience helping thousands of crime victims was surprisingly unhelpful. Feeling utterly helpless, I asked, “How do I protect them?” More importantly, “How do I teach them to protect themselves?”

Researching and writing this and my other Badass Parents guides answered these questions and, in the process, can help YOU protect your loved ones too.

Why You Should Read This Book

Throughout your darling’s childhood, she’ll encounter tons of people—at school, during extracurricular activities, on outings with friends, and in your own home—most of whom you know fairly well. Yet any one of them could be a predator. I don’t care how alert you think you are; you can’t keep your kid in your sight every second. It’s not possible, and it’s not even remotely healthy.

Your child’s best bet to stay safe is for you to teach her how to protect and defend herself when you’re not around. By reading this book and following my advice, you’re doing the most important thing you can do to protect your child from harm: taking action.

Research shows that kids taught to protect and defend themselves—by saying no, yelling, running away, or fighting—are less attractive to predators and stand a significantly greater chance of escaping an abusive situation or potential abduction.

Educating yourself and your child about body safety is super liberating. The seeds (the tips and tools I share) you plant in her mind today will blossom into positive behaviors that will serve her throughout her life. Rather than worrying about nebulous dangers, you’ll know the facts. Once you teach your kid what I share in this book, you’ll sleep better at night knowing you’ve taught her to be a mini badass who can stand up for herself.

As former slave and abolitionist Frederick Douglass observed (and I’m paraphrasing here), “It’s far easier to raise strong children than to repair broken adults.” I’m convinced that if I’d been taught that it was okay to say no in situations where I felt uncomfortable, 99 percent of the crappy things that happened to me as a kid and teenager would never have occurred, and I wouldn’t have had to grapple with post-traumatic stress for most of my life.

By the way, if you’re a survivor of child abuse, absolutely incorporate what you learn in this book into your parenting repertoire. It’s your best chance to break the cycle! Be excited about having this opportunity to learn how to step up and protect your kid in a way you weren’t.

What This Book Will Teach You

Before I began writing my Badass Parenting books, I surveyed parents, grandparents, and caregivers about their top concerns for their kids’ safety, and the same questions kept cropping up. Here are the top five:

1. How do I teach my children about danger without scaring them to death?

2. What do I teach them so they know how to protect and defend themselves?

3. What are the signs that my child is being bullied or abused?

4. How do I get my kids to come to me if something happens to them?

5. How do I make them actually listen to me and apply what I teach them?

This book answers these questions and more so parents, grandparents, and caregivers can confidently empower their beloved tweens and teens.iv

Pardon Me While I Repeat Myself

This essential guide is a follow-up to my other books in this series for parents of kids 0 to 9—Badass Parenting and Heroic Parenting, both of which were published in 2020 (and became instant Amazon #1 bestsellers!). Because so much of the information I wrote back then is the same for tweens and teens, you’ll find a lot of overlap between them.

Moving on…. Here’s how this book is laid out:

First, I go deep and dark by addressing the dangers your kid faces head-on. In Part I on Toxic People and How They Groom Kids, I talk about the categories of predators that might have access to your child.

In Part II on Where Danger Lurks, I discuss bullying, cyberbullying and other online dangers, sexual abuse, and sex trafficking, including who the perps and victims tend to be and what to look out for. In this section, I added a lot more about online dangers (the area where crime is going up in a seriously bad way) and a new chapter on sex trafficking. Stick with me through these heavy parts because it’s essential information. The book gets MUCH lighter from there on out.

Next, I move you into the action sections, which are more fun and empowering, beginning with Part III on What Your Kid Needs to Know. This is where I tell you exactly what essential body safety skills you should teach your child. I also cover how to talk to your kid about sexual consent. Although this isn’t a sex ed book, addressing consent is SUPER important, and I’ll give you some ideas to help you ensure your kid knows how to navigate potentially loaded situations. In my humble opinion, this is THE most important chapter I’ve ever written, and it’s an absolute must-read.

In Part IV, Taking Your Kid to the Next Level, I share ways to foster your child’s confidence and self-esteem and teach her some serious verbal and physical moves she can use to avoid and escape dangerous situations. I also teach you how to talk about all this critical information through manageable, ongoing conversations and family meetings.

You’ll notice that throughout the book, I refer you to the free bonus content on my website that’ll take you deeper into the topics I cover. I’m constantly adding cool freebies and parenting hacks to my site, so visit often to see what’s new and interesting.

What this book doesn’t cover:

● Drug and alcohol abuse

● Hazing

● Gang violence

● Auto safety

● Firearm safety

● School shootings

I couldn’t do it all, folks. There simply wasn’t enough room to cover every danger your kid may encounter, and I’m not an expert in these areas. There are literally thousands of great books on these topics that you can buy online or in any bookstore.

For the Savvy Grandparents Who Are Reading This Book

Grandparents play a special role in the life of their grandchildren and can be a major source of wisdom and support. There are more than 2.4 million grandparents who are raising their grandkids.19 If you’re one of them, good on you! You’re the one who’s responsible for teaching your grandchildren the information I share in this book.

However, some grandparents refuse to believe their grandchildren’s claims of abuse, especially if it happened at the hands of a parent, aunt, or uncle. No one wants to believe their own adult child could do such a thing, but it happens every day worldwide, and you need to believe your grandchild.

Believing and supporting him doesn’t mean you don’t love your own child who was the offender. It means you love them enough to get them the help they need to stop hurting children and, yes, to hold them accountable. If the abuser was a family member, you’re in a unique position to stop the abuse, protect and support the victim, and ensure the perp never again has access to the victim.

Be there for your family. You’re the matriarch/patriarch and can set the tone for how all this goes down.

Another great way to help your grandkids is to buy this book for your children who are themselves parents and ask them to read it and apply what they learn.

A Few Disclaimers

Every single chapter of this book could be a book unto itself. I’ve tried to give you the basics and encourage you to dive more deeply into whatever topics interest you. Under the Resources tab on my websites, I list several excellent books, websites, and advocacy organizations; but the list is hardly comprehensive, so do your own homework to find other resources on the topics I cover here.v

Throughout this book, I mainly use the male pronoun to refer to predators because about 95 percent of perps are male. Women can and do perpetrate some sex crimes against children, but the numbers are very low. (Although, when it comes to physical abuse and neglect, women are even more likely than men to be the abusers. SMH)

I alternately use “she” and “he” when talking about your child, although I try not to switch the pronouns within sections to avoid giving you whiplash.

To be clear, when I talk about victim dynamics in this book, I’m in no way suggesting that being victimized is a failure on the part of the survivor. While some kids make better targets because they’re vulnerable and/ or unprepared or unable to protect themselves, it’s NEVER their fault. It’s always the offenders’ wrong actions that are to blame. Period.

Be sure to read the footnotes, which provide additional details you need to know and are occasionally funny.

The names of people featured in this book have been changed to protect their identities.

One final disclaimer: This book was written to help you teach your child to protect and defend herself. If you faithfully use the techniques within these pages, you’ll help her minimize dangerous encounters and be safer. However, the advice found in Raising Badass Kids cannot protect every child in every situation. Use the ideas found here when you can, and always use your common sense and best judgment. You know your kid better than anyone and are the authority on what information she needs and can handle.

BE the parent your kid deserves!

Love,

i OK, I totally made up that statistic, but it’s probably not too far from the truth.

ii Dr. Benjamin Spock, not to be confused with Mr. Spock from Star Trek, was a pediatrician who wrote a mega bestselling book in 1946 entitled The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care that encouraged parents to pick up their kids once in a while. The book radically advised parents to see their kids as individuals, not just tiny slaves, and to be affectionate towards them.

iii My biggest problem with being turned into a zombie would be all that walking! I’m frankly exhausted just thinking about it.

iv If you have kids from 0 to 9, I hope you’ll read either Badass Parenting (if you’re comfortable with excessive and totally unnecessary profanity) or the PGrated (but still somewhat irreverent) Heroic Parenting, both of which are available on Amazon.

vwww.cjscarlet.com/resources

PART I

Toxic People and How They Groom Kids

CHAPTER 1

The Skinny on Predators

There’s a common saying—It’s not what you know; it’s who you know that counts.

This may be true when it comes to getting into a good school or securing a job, but I’m here to tell you it’s both when it comes to predators. That’s because WHAT you know about them can be your greatest defense.

As for the WHO? Knowing that predators look pretty much like everyone else and come from all walks of life may cause you to throw up your hands and ask, “Well then, who can I trust?”

The answer is, when it comes to your kid, TRUST NO ONE.

I’m not saying you need to be paranoid and think everyone is out to get your child. I am saying that you need to be vigilant about the people in your child’s environment.

And, no, it’s generally not strangers you need to be wary of. Most crimes committed against kids are by people they know… and they and you probably have trusted in the past. In fact, around 93 percent of crimes against kids are perpetrated by people known to them. For those of you who, like me, suck at math, that means just 7 percent of crimes against children are committed by strangers!

Who Are These People?

● Up to 95 percent of child sexual abusers are male.20

● Virtually all sexual predators are heterosexual, meaning they’re not gay. In fact, 98 percent of male sexual abusers identify as heterosexual.21 For the people in the back (as in “back in the Stone Age”), sexual preference has nothing to do with pedophilia. Straight men who are pedophiles may molest boys as well as girls.

Likewise, transgender identity has absolutely nothing to do with sexual deviancy. Please understand this—the research doesn’t bear out the idea that transgender people are often sexual predators in disguise. It’s simply not true. However, transgender individuals are four times more likely to be the victims of sexual crimes.

● Predators can be single, married, or have kids of their own. Pedophiles may be in adult sexual relationships and still have a predilection for children.

● Contrary to what we see in movies, kidnappers and criminals don’t always look sneaky, suspicious, or dangerous. They go to great lengths to appear as nice, respectable people. To a child’s eye, they’re exactly what a friendly and trustworthy adult would look like.

● On average, sex offenders begin molesting others by age 15 and molest an average of 117 children. Only rarely are these assaults reported.22

● The younger the victim, the more likely their abuser is a family member, including parents, guardians, stepparents, siblings, stepsiblings, cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandparents.

● Predators often have a strong sense of entitlement, believing life owes them something and that people exist for them to use and abuse. They lack empathy and don’t care how their actions make their victims feel.

● They may have difficulty forming intimate relationships with other adults and choose to prey on kids because they can control them and feel powerful.

● They may have experienced a troubled childhood and/or sexual abuse (which is not an excuse that absolves their behavior!).

● They may abuse drugs or alcohol, which disinhibits them and numbs them to their actions when they abuse their victims. (Again, not an excuse.)

How Predators Groom Their Victims

Predators use grooming tactics to manipulate their victims and gain their trust. They’re pros at quickly assessing the strengths and weaknesses of their chosen targets to decide which tactics will work best for each child.

Steve Kovacs, author of Protect Your Kids! The Simple Keys to Children’s Safety and Survival writes that sexual predators choose kids who may crave attention, acceptance, love, or friendship. The child may have material needs, like the need for money, food, or clothes. Or he may covet luxury items, such as digital devices or electronic games.

Kovacs notes that pedophiles work hard to learn the names of popular rock or rap stars, the latest fashions, and which movie or TV stars their targets watch so they can be seen as cool and relatable. The perp will try to meet as many of the child’s needs as possible, patiently plotting to assault him in the future.

When a predator showers a kid with attention and gifts, the child naturally feels grateful and may feel guilty if he doesn’t reciprocate with affection or doesn’t keep a secret for the predator.

What Grooming Looks Like

According to ChildLuresPrevention.com, “Early grooming efforts by sexual predators seek to determine if the child has a stable home life or if the family is facing challenges like poverty, divorce, illness, drugs, homelessness, etc. Children lacking stability at home are at higher risk for sexual abuse, as there is usually more access to the child and opportunities to abuse the child.”23

Here are some grooming behaviors predators use that you should watch for:

● Seeking out children who lack self-confidence and have low self-esteem

● Targeting kids who aren’t adequately supervised by their parents or other caregivers

● Spending time alone with kids, just hanging out or attending outings with them

● Giving gifts, favors, or special privileges

● Desensitizing kids to their touch by tickling, patting, stroking, or wrestling

● Isolating a child by spending a significant amount of time alone with him

● Hugging, kissing, and sharing other physical affection as a prelude to sexual contact

● Telling a kid to keep secrets

● Telling sexual jokes, showing pornography, or asking sexual questions

● Making the child feel responsible for any sexual misconduct that occurs

How Perps Gain Access to Their Victims

While some sexual abuse is purely opportunistic, most kids are groomed over time and lured into situations where they’re vulnerable to abuse. Common grooming tactics include:24

● Befriending parents, particularly single parents, to gain access to their kids

● Offering babysitting services to busy parents or guardians

● Taking jobs or participating in community events that involve children

● Becoming a guardian, “Big Brother,” or foster parent

● Attending kids’ sporting events or offering to coach youth sports

● Volunteering in youth organizations

● Offering to chaperone overnight trips

● Loitering in places young people frequent—playgrounds, parks, malls, arcades, swimming pools, sports fields, etc.

● Befriending kids on social media (Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Tik Tok, etc.) and online gaming platforms

Predators’ Favorite Targets

While all kids are vulnerable, approximately 20 percent of child sexual abuse victims are children under five, 50 percent are children between five and 12, and 30 percent are teens between 13 and 17.

Parents and guardians can help keep their kids safe by talking frankly and often with them about boundaries, sex, and consent. This is important to know: Convicted child molesters have admitted they’re less likely to abuse kids with a basic understanding of sex education.

Some predators cite a preference for children on the brink of puberty. This is the age of sexual awakening, making it easy for molesters to prey on the sexual ignorance and curiosity of youngsters. To quote one sex offender, “Give me a kid who knows nothing about sex, and you’ve given me my next victim.”

Child molesters will also target kids who are loners or look troubled or neglected. Young people who smoke, vape, or use drugs or alcohol are seen as risk-seekers lacking adequate supervision and may be seen as easy targets.

Sexual predators are less likely to abuse kids who have a basic understanding of sex education, know how to set and defend their boundaries, and say no to people who make them uncomfortable.

You’re His Target Too!

Know this—predators don’t just groom their victims. They may also groom YOU, the child’s parent, and other family members and friends to gain your trust and greater access to your kid.

A predator does this by charming the adults in order to convince them he’s a stand-up guy and role model. Many a perp has befriended a child’s parents, particularly single moms, just to gain access to their kids. In some cases, pedophiles marry women to be their “beards”—their cover stories— so people will think they’re solid, upstanding citizens who can be trusted around kids.

Single moms are often targeted because they’re more likely to be overwhelmed by parenting duties and vulnerable to offers to babysit and/or drive kids to school, practices, lessons, and other activities.

Outwitting Predators

Whether they’re opportunistic criminals, power predators, or persuasion predators, perps usually have a plan for how they’ll victimize your tween or teen. Your child’s goal is to thwart them in as many ways as possible so the perp will decide she’s a bad target and leave her alone.

Your kid can turn the tables on a potential predator by being alert to his charm offensive. If she’s paying close attention to what the predator is saying and doing, he might reveal clues that will tip her off to his motives and, therefore, his potential for trying to commit an assault. She should be aware of her surroundings and level of comfort with him. If she finds herself in a situation with someone she doesn’t know or trust, she should be alert to cues from her intuition that signal this person is a potential threat and get away from him as quickly as possible.

Predators are always assessing others to find potential victims. The stronger and more confident your child appears, the less appealing she’ll look to them. Awareness equals greater security!

I’ll take a hit on this from people who say the responsibility shouldn’t be on kids to alter their behavior to avoid victimization. I completely agree! However, this is the real world we live in, and until people no longer treat children—girls in particular—as objects, toys, or victims, we need to be practical.

Please, please tell your kid not to put herself in harm’s way because she’s too embarrassed to ask someone to walk her to her car after work or too proud to admit that she’s too impaired by drugs or alcohol to function.

It’s common sense; if your tween or teen chooses to engage in high-risk behavior, she’s a more attractive target for predators. High-risk behavior consists of anything she does that compromises her safety, whether it’s going for a walk on the beach with the cute guy she just met at a party or drinking so much that she’s not in control anymore.

Don’t be afraid to ask your kid if anyone has asked her to keep secrets, which the predator may use to test and control her. For example, the perp may give your child money when she visits and warn her not to tell you or she’ll get in trouble. This secret creates a bond between them and acts as a “feeler,” meaning he’s testing her willingness to keep a secret so he can escalate his behavior later.

Some perps skip over the charm offensive and threaten your child that if she doesn’t keep his assaults a secret, he’ll hurt her or her siblings, friends, pets, or even you, the parent. He may also use shame and guilt to keep your kid from revealing the abuse, telling her that she’ll get in trouble or be blamed for what happened.

Dirtbag move, I know, but VERY effective.

Sadly, some predators manipulate their targets so thoroughly that the victims may believe the predator genuinely loves them. In return, they develop strong, loving feelings and come to depend on their abusers. This is especially common in cases such as child sexual abuse involving a parent. If the child is emotionally and physically dependent on the predator, it’s easy to fall into his trap, and it becomes more difficult to resist or report him.

Again, to be clear, I am NOT blaming the victim! There exists a power dynamic that may lead some kids to become codependent because they believe it’s the safest or most loving course of action. But it’s never the child’s fault if she’s victimized; it’s a choice the predator makes and forces upon her.

What Predators Really Want