Soul Rape E-Book

Heyward Ewart

• Herausgeber: Loving Healing Press
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Serie: New Horizons in Therapy
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2012

Seitenzahl: 367

Beschreibung

Find Your Way to Freedom Today!
If you were abused or neglected as a child, chances are that you have been your whole life, whether you are a man, a woman, or a teen. Child abuse so mangles the personality that the victim unconsciously attracts abusers throughout the life cycle. Lies about yourself were planted deep in your mind by the abuse, and you still believe them. Until you understand exactly what the abuse did to you, you cannot get free. Soul Rape: Recovering Personhood After Abuse provides an effective 7-step program for use by victims, their therapists, and for group work.
In this book, survivors and professionals will discover: How celebrities become addicts Why twelve-step programs don't work and can be extremely harmful What a faith-based 7-step program for abuse recovery can do for you How addressing abuse solves cycle of addiction Why mental illness is a reaction to somebody else's craziness How group work can transform victims into survivors Why "bootleg" churches are starving souls and endangering America
PLUS A Test to Find DANGEROUS STUDENTS before it's too late
Therapists acclaim for Soul Rape
"Soul Rape is a tour de force of the tortured landscape of child abuse and its pernicious long-term outcomes. Numerous case studies expertly intertwine with theoretical insights to produce the equivalent of a comprehensive and unconventional treatment modality. This book is an important contribution toward the edification of victims and institutions alike."
--Sam Vaknin, PhD, author Malignant Self-Love
"This book should be compulsory reading for anyone dealing with abused children or abused adults, or adult survivors of childhood abuse: physicians, psychologists, and other therapists, teachers, protective workers, and so on. And the language is so clear and nontechnical that it will be of enormous benefit to the survivors of trauma themselves, and even to parents who want to ensure the safety and wellbeing of their children."
--Robert Rich, PhD, M.A.P.S, A.A.S.H.

Leseprobe

What People Are Saying About Soul Rape

“After the jolting ride of reading Dr. Heyward B. Ewart’s book, one thing that comes to mind is that hope remains despite the most despicable forms of abuse. This hope lies in the recognition of a loving God who continues to cause even the most wounded hearts to continue beating. To me, as a physician, the miraculous and beautiful human heart is evidence of God’s own existence. A throbbing heart is a ready reminder of God. Soul Rape is an eye-opener for everybody who hates human suffering. It clearly demonstrates that mental illness is usually the result of being sinned against. We need to stop this cycle of abuse, which is occurring not just often but virtually all the time all around this world. The first step is to master the insights of this invaluable book, which is destined to change the face of psychology and theology permanently.”

Anacleto B. Millendez, M.D., Founder, Beautiful Heart Foundation

Medical Director, Center for Holistic, Alternative & Restorative Medicine

(CHARM)

“Soul Rape is a tour de force of the tortured landscape of child abuse and its pernicious long-term outcomes. Numerous case studies expertly intertwine with theoretical insights to produce the equivalent of a comprehensive and unconventional treatment modality. This book is an important contribution toward the edification of victims and institutions alike.”

—Sam Vaknin, PhD, author Malignant Self-Love

“You bring out some very enlightening experiences that certainly back up your theories. Having worked in both a county mental-health clinic and an 800-bed mental health facility, I found your compassion and unique style of therapy refreshing.”

—Pam English, mental health professional

“I will recommend your book to everyone on our mailing list. I would agree that child abuse has a major influence on the development of one’s personality… living in an abusive environment tends to [make a child] unable to explore or discover his or her own self.”

—Cynthia F. Parry, PhD

“This is a wonderful book. It should be compulsory reading for anyone dealing with abused children or abused adults, or adult survivors of childhood abuse: physicians, psychologists, and other therapists, teachers, protective workers, and so on. And the language is so clear and non-technical that it will be of enormous benefit to the survivors of trauma themselves, and even to parents who want to ensure the safety and wellbeing of their children.”

—Robert Rich, PhD

“Heyward Bruce Ewart created [this book] to help victims, parents and therapists. There are various tests included in this book which can help determine whether the victim is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There is a test for concealed child abuse and a domestic violence inventory questionnaire throughout its pages, descriptions of what effects the abuse has taken and how you can break free. This book is not meant to take over the work of a qualified therapist, but to help therapists and those dealing with abused people. This book is an excellent resource!”

—Lori Plach for Reader Views

“The book provides the reader with an in depth understanding into the long-lasting effects of abuse and also provides a number useful tests and tools to aid in such areas as uncovering concealed child abuse and screening for potentially dangerous employees. This is an important book and would be a beneficial read for those who were abused as children, those currently suffering from abuse, those working with the abused, and anyone who knows someone who has been abused.”

—Kam Aures for Rebeccas Reads

“I have found that almost two thirds of the women that I have interviewed present a long history of abuse as the main etiology of their depression. I will translate your tests and use them in my practice.”

—Ricardo Villamizar, Clinical Psychologist,

Marin General Hospital, Ecuador

“I am currently working on a USAID-funded Women’s Health and Family Welfare Project in Indonesia. We are very interested in using your tests on child abuse and domestic violence and will translate them.”

—Harriet Beazley, PhD,

Women’s Health & Family Welfare Project, Indonesia

“I used to be a social worker. It is an unfortunate fact of life that abuse is prevalent today, and has been for some time. I do know that things have changed slightly for the better, as understanding of the effects of abuse have significantly improved. That said, much remains to be done.

Perhaps one of the toughest parts of dealing with clients, abused, abuser, and family members of both; is getting them to understand the far reaching consequences of abuse. The author, Heyward Ewart III, does an excellent job of illustrating just what some of these consequences are for all involved. Through the use of case studies, discussion and review of psychological theory, and information of on-going research; the author offers hope of healing and working through the abuse for all involved.

There are numerous tests, checklists and questionnaires included. These are extremely useful to the layperson, qualified counselor, student and family members. Anyone in the field of psychotherapy or counseling will find this book extremely helpful. Some of the areas, of course, are simply review of theory and information already known widely. But even for the long-term counselor there is new information to be gleaned. I consider this work to be an important new addition to the field of study of abuse. If you have a family member who has suffered abuse, or been abused yourself, you will find much here to help you.

I admire the author’s ability to speak to all levels of interested people who will be reading this book. I think no one will be confused, or feel that he is talking ‘down’ to you, or dumbing down the info to make it easier to understand. His forthright manner and detailed writing style will make this book informative and useful to anyone in the field or with an interest in the long term effects of abuse.

It is definitely a book that will be referred to again and again by all users. I look forward to reading additional material by this author.”

Lauri C. Coates for ReviewTheBook.com

“It is, indeed, kind of you to make available your inventories for measuring domestic violence against both women and children. I am a Health Social Scientist from India and will conduct some reliability studies here.”

—Hemant Kulkarni, MD

“I have frequent contact with both elementary school age children and with unwed mothers, many of whom I suspect were sexually abused as children. I am sure your work will be helpful.”

—Barbara Franks-Morra, RN, MFA

SOUL RAPE

Recovering Personhood after Abuse

Heyward Bruce Ewart, Ph.D., D.D.

Foreword by W.E. Krill, Jr., M.S.P.C.

New Horizons in Therapy Series

Originally published as

AM I BAD? Recovering From Abuse

Soul Rape: Recovering Personhood After Abuse

Copyright © 2012 Heyward Bruce Ewart, Ph.D., D.D.

From the New Horizons in Therapy Series

No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, or stored in a retrieval system, without the prior written consent of the publisher.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Ewart, Heyward Bruce, 1943-

Soul rape : recovering personhood after abuse / Heyward Bruce Ewart; foreword by W.E. Krill, Jr.

p. cm. -- (New horizons in therapy series)

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-1-61599-167-9 (hardcover : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-61599-168-6 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-61599-169-3 (ebook)

1. Post-traumatic stress disorder--Treatment. 2. Psychic trauma--Treatment. 3. Victims--Rehabilitation. 4. Victims of terrorism--Rehabilitation. 5. Self-esteem. I. Title.

RC552.P67E93 2013

616.85’21--dc23

2012027988

Distributed by:

Baker & Taylor, Bertrams Books, Ingram Book Group, New Leaf Distributing

Published by:

Loving Healing Press

5145 Pontiac Trail

Ann Arbor, MI 48105

USA

http://www.LovingHealing.com or

[email protected]

Tollfree 888-761-6268

Fax [phone]

Dedication

To: Mom, Caroline M. Ewart, who left this life July 2, 2006. And to my children: Melissa, Stephanie, Kristen, Jennifer, Alexandra, and Rebecca

Also to my clergy, faculty, and students of St. James the Elder Theological Seminary and the Holy Catholic Church International, who lovingly give me constant encouragement, comfort, and fulfillment

Plus my publisher, Victor R. Volkman, who has demonstrated great dedication from the time of my first manuscript, AM I BAD? Recovering from Abuse

Contents

Nihil Obstat

Psychometric Instruments and Assessments

Foreword by William E. Krill, Jr.

Introduction: Trashing What We Thought We Knew

Chapter 1 – Disintegration of Life

Larry – Growing up Abused

The Statistical Evidence

Chapter 2 – The Recovering of Self

A New Developmental Model

Survival Needs

The Sense of Becoming

Power and Self-Esteem

Why Celebrities Become Drug Addicts

Young People Become Their Peers

Chapter 3 – The Lies Implanted by Abuse

Sexual Abuse

Laura’s Story

Sexual Abuse of Boys

The Bottom Line of Any Type of Abuse

Secrecy

Test for Concealed Child Abuse

Epidemic Proportions of Abuse

Chapter 4 – Physical Abuse

Head Injury

Shaken Baby Syndrome

Abdominal Injuries

Scourging

My Own Personal Case

Punching and Other Violence

Chapter 5 – Terrorizing

A Brother and Sister

The Bedwetting Boy

Adolescent Cases

Death of a Terrorist

Chapter 6 – Parentification

Debbie: 20-Year-Old Anorexic

Children of Alcoholics

Chapter 7 – Abuse at School

Sexual Harassment

Insult as Control

Misdiagnosis of Behavior

Covering It Up

Chapter 8 – Neglect and Rejection

Researching Neglect

Rejection

Chapter 9 – Domestic Abuse

Signs of the Abuser

Why Women Stay

Consequences of Staying

Brain Damage Symptoms

Domestic Violence Inventory

Chapter 10 – A Man’s Account

Chapter 11 – Child Abuse Treatment

Chapter 12 – Treatment of Adult Survivors

Borderline Personality Disorder

Mental Illness as Reaction to Craziness

The Indestructible Soul

Sense of Purpose Absolutely Required

Recalling Traumatic Events

Reliance on the Holy Spirit

Dangers of False Spirituality

Dealing with Impossible People

Therapist Qualifications

Chapter 13 – A New 7-Step Program

Advantages of Group Therapy

Critical Importance of Safety

Abusers as Predators

Tracing the Wires and the Inner Voice

The Shortcomings of Twelve-Step Programs.

What Are the Twelve Steps?

The New 7-Step Program

The Lord’s Prayer

Prayer to the Holy Spirit

The 7 Steps

Chapter 14 – Special Populations

Cultural Deprivation

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Alcoholics and Other Addicts

Legalize Doctors, Not Drugs

Prostitutes

Souls Starving in Church

Not Criticizing All Protestants

Truth as Food for the Soul

Remembering the Jewish People

Chapter 15 – The Dangerous Student

Student Critical Symptoms Questionnaire

Substance Abuse Test for Resistant Students or Employees

Chapter 16 – Workplace Violence

Test for Potentially Dangerous Employees

Chapter 17 – The Falsely Accused: Victims in the Truest Sense

Victims in the Truest Sense

Defense Interrogatories for Lying Accusers

References

About the Author

Index

This book shows that identity in Christ is the only way to recover personhood after the depersonalization of abuse. (Bishop Kasomo Daniel, PhD, D.Sc.)

Nihil Obstat:

†Bishop Kasomo Daniel, PhD, D.Sc.

Censor Liborum & Censor deputatus

The Society of St. Peter and Paul Inc.

27th May 2012 Pentecost Sunday

Imprimatur:

†Bishop Kasomo Daniel, PhD, D.Sc.

Roman Catholic Bishop

The Prelate of the Society of St. Peter

and Paul Inc.

27th May 2012 Pentecost Sunday

Psychometric Instruments and Assessments

Foreword

The violence that human beings are capable of perpetrating on one another is truly astonishing in variety, complexity, and far reaching impacts, not only on the individual life, but on family, culture, and the wider world. Having worked in the helping professions of secular clinical therapy, pastoral counseling, youth and family ministry, I know all too well that human violence, darkness, and evil are real. And in this world, there is a discouraging lack of healers willing to work with these walking wounded.

The bruised, damaged, and broken are all around us, not just the ones who are obvious and come to us for help, but those standing beside us in line at the grocery store, the ones that are our kid’s classmates, and even the ones beside us in the church pew. Untold, unspoken, unhealed and suffering children, teens, and adults are epidemic.

Yet human beings are also very resilient; bodies heal, negative memories get stuffed into a box, and life goes on regardless of wounds and ongoing pain. The quality of a wounded life is often hobbled by the essential changes that physical, sexual, and emotional abuse cause. Healing wounds of abuse can be a complex process, but the tools used to do so can be as simple as compassion and gentleness. Dr. Ewart ‘gets it’.

There are so many causes and good works for others that we can involve ourselves in; so much that can demand out contributions of money, time, and prayer. It is popular these days for celebrities to lend their names and images to causes to increase awareness and raise need funds, and this is a good and worthy thing to do. But perhaps it is because child abuse is so prevalent (not to mention still so very hidden) that it continues to often take a back seat to other more high profile issues such as diseases or disasters. In addition, we as a culture can only stand so much pain, so much suffering, before we too, like the survivor, have to turn off a part of ourselves to cope.

People like Dr. Ewart, who dedicate their professional efforts, based in a convicted faith stance are the real workers in the fields of healing abuse survivors (read: fields of the Lord). Almost daily contact with survivors, hearing their stories, or sitting with them in their pain can, in fact, become overwhelming to the healer. Even when we are not in a healing position, those we work at to help are never far from our mind. While we need to withdraw at times to refresh and care for ourselves; to heal the wounds we receive during the healing process of survivors, those who work with survivors will always be pulled back to doing so. It is more than a professional interest, it is a mission in ministry.

One great value of human knowledge and experience is the development and improvement of the means to an end. Dr. Ewart’s work in this volume represents the pairing of knowledge and direct healing experience that is rooted in several traditions of addressing and healing abuse survivors. One key area of knowledge and experience Dr. Ewart taps to inform this is spirituality. Since interpersonal abuse and trauma are so very complex and varied, varied means of approach and tools used for healing survivors is almost axiomatic. Soul Rape, in the title alone, conveys the weight and truth of just how deep the damages to an individual survivor can go… even to the soul. But it also goes the distance to articulate making the best use of known helping tools while innovating new approaches and tools, including spiritual understandings, to wage more effective war on the evils of abuse.

As a Pastoral Counselor, I am grateful for the open and unabashed use of spiritual and theological truths that Dr. Ewart brings to the discussion. These, of course, are the source of the effective tools of compassionate care, empathy, gentleness, and respect for self determination. The underpinnings of Soul Rape are an unapologetic belief and demonstration of the value of human dignity, uniqueness, the incredible preciousness of each human being, and the often unique and singular path to healing for each survivor. Since one facet of the sinful nature of child and domestic abuse is that it grows exponentially, so too do those who help to heal the survivors need to consistently grow new means of treating survivor wounds. This volume goes far to satisfy that endless goal.

W.E. Krill, Jr., M.S.P.C.

Licensed Professional Counselor

Introduction: Trashing What We Thought We Knew

Let’s take the whole bucket of what we think we know about mental illness, turn it upside down, and start all over again. What we consider psychopathology is most often an attempt to deal with somebody else’s craziness. The big problem is that there is no normal way to react to craziness.

There is no such thing as a disturbed child who is not trying to survive either outright abuse or some other absurd treatment by people who are supposed to love him. Children do not have mental illnesses that grow out of a vacuum. Their behaviors are set by the way they are cared for, not cared for, or tormented.

Abuse is the strongest form of communication there is. Child abuse is a rape of the soul. Maltreatment of a child gives him a false idea of who he is. Whether physical, sexual, or emotional, child abuse implants lies deep within the psyche, or soul, of the little boy or girl. Rather than fade with age, these lies grow as the little human grows, just like initials carved in the bark of a tree grow as does the tree. Rather than shrinking, the letters get bigger and easier to see. They are the lies that bind. They force conformity to a misconception of who we are.

In adulthood, it is of little importance whether someone has a positive self-image or a negative one, for each is a delusion. Self-image is a construct that is formed through other people’s expressed opinions earlier in life, combined with the experimentation of rotating personalities during the teenage years. Teens try to find the “pretended self” that will be best accepted by the people in his life. Therefore, early opinions plus experimentation form what I term the “adopted self”. Most adults believe that this flimsy concept is who they really are.

When a patient comes to me with a sense of low self-esteem, I tell him he has made a good start on grasping reality. Since the “self” is already damaged and minimized, it is easier to throw away altogether. The goal is not to have good self-esteem but to have no self-esteem. What needs to be done is to drop the whole idea of self, to take it off and drop it like an old coat.

Christianity is not a self-improvement program. It is a self-replacement program whereby the lies we have absorbed about our personhood are thrown off and replaced with a strong and joyful sense of becoming; that is, growing into the person our Creator intended. Once we have disposed of the chains of the original sin through baptism, we attain a potential that flourishes through God’s glorious plan for us and our willingness to cooperate with His grace. In His Kingdom, He does not choose those who are worthy but those who are willing.

Judaism holds the same premise, that God has a plan for our life. When we discover our calling, we begin an introduction to our own soul—the real and true self already created by God since before the beginning of time.

The lies implanted by child abuse are so deeply convincing that God’s intentions for His child are thwarted. It is the interference with the will of God that makes abuse not only devastating but literally evil. Blocking a soul from realizing God’s love for him and from accepting divine nourishment in the form of grace is every bit as evil as murder.

The nurturing and the healing of souls are rightfully the work of the church and synagogue. Priests, rabbis, and ministers who know nothing about psychology have been short-changing their flocks. The healing of injured souls has always belonged to the medical profession and later to professional psychologists and mental-health counselors, whether or not any of these practitioners have any concept of what a soul is.

The task of pastors is to connect people to God in a life-enhancing relationship that leads to eternal life. Our pastors may or may not be well-steeped in the study of divinity; that is, theology. But they are ignorant about the nature of people; that is, psychology. There exists an abyss between the two fields of knowledge.

Some seminaries do include a course or two in pastoral counseling in their basic curriculum, preparing students for ordination; but the subject matter has little depth. A pastor should at least be able to recognize when a member of his church has a mental disorder that requires expert treatment, and he should know how to conduct a group therapy session.

Well-educated and experienced mental-health professionals will always be needed by society, as will knowledgeable pastors. The point is that there is much knowledge to be shared between the two.

The lies implanted by child abusers are so deeply convincing that God’s intentions for His child are thwarted. It is the interference with the will of God that makes abuse not only devastating but literally evil. Blocking a soul from realizing God’s love for him and from accepting divine nourishment in the form of grace is every bit as evil as murder.

Child abuse and domestic violence are a dual pandemic. They are linked, for the first leads to the second, in my experience. Many professionals are surprised at this observation, but I have attempted to show the connection in this volume. An abused child becomes prone to abuse in adulthood. Although both subjects have been extensively studied, much of the literature deals only with a description of each. Rarely are they discussed together. Moreover, existing documentation tends only to describe in general how horrible child abuse is, both in degree and in frequency, and how hopeless the struggle of society is to stop domestic violence from continuing to skyrocket. Stopping domestic violence altogether has received little scholarly attention.

The literature is thus replete with accounts of what is happening in our culture, but little has been written about why. One of the most important factors in domestic violence has been overlooked in research and in practice; that is, the treatment of the affliction. Too often, shelters provide a haven for a time; but when the victim is released, she either returns to the same abuser or seeks out a worse one. Not only is the cycle not broken, but the victim becomes even more vulnerable.

The purpose of this book is to provide from real-life case histories a penetrating and hopefully unforgettable look at the murderous nature of child abuse. Vivid understanding of what abuse does to the soul must precede the development of effective treatment. Further, the intent is to show the destruction of the sense of self, which greatly limits the chances of a fulfilling life. Child abuse implants false messages about who one is. It is most difficult to live a successful life that is based on lies.

When clinicians and others with the power to produce change really see what child abuse does, the adult ramifications of this phenomenon, including domestic violence, can be treated with greater success.

1

Disintegration of Life

Pretty little Amy, only nine years old, was playing near her inner-city home when a stranger raped her in full view of her young friends. Worse than the assault was her father’s condemnation that placed full blame on her for letting it happen, and the onset of rejection. His words, “It’s your own fault,” formed an unceremonious branding of the child as a “less-than” that would be confirmed by periodic acts of sexual assaults against her as time went on. Each subsequent violation of her personhood was committed by people who were supposed to love her, not by strangers.

The stranger assaulted her body, shamed her beyond words, and made her feel like a piece of trash. But her own father is the one who raped her soul. He denied her the chance to form even an “adopted self”. She was left without a clue as to her own existence. She ceased to exist.

By the time she entered her teen years, the original Amy was gone. There remained the form of a maturing female who knew no power of her own except for the ability to gain attention and meet survival needs through the sexual use of her body. So she sold it in order to exist. When she discovered that crack cocaine worked miraculously to lift her away from the anguish of nonexistence, she became a loyal slave to it.

She was only in her late teens when her body would no longer bring enough money for both living and crack. So she sold her body for crack only. She came down with pneumonia, and while in the hospital, she was diagnosed with AIDS. It was found that that she had carried the virus for a very long time. She estimated that she might have infected more than 150 men. Even while she was hospitalized, with oxygen at her nose and a feeding tube in her throat, and intravenous lines in her veins, she continued to accept the clients who came to her hospital room for their usual service. She lived almost two years after the first hospitalization, but because her lifestyle remained unchanged, she was dead by 24. Upon physically dying, she entered eternal life and came to know the unspeakable joy of real love for the first time. Only through death did she attain a life. Even though child abuse crosses all economic lines, poverty is the most prominent cause of child maltreatment. (Pelton, 2011)

Larry – Growing up Abused

Larry was neglected in foster homes from birth to age 2, when the real trouble began. His adoptive father hated him. He was yelled at, beaten, thrown out to agencies, brought back, cursed, ignored, insulted, and belittled until he was farmed out permanently to a boys’ home in his early teens. His adoptive mother, living in terror that her husband might kill both of them, kept her mouth shut and even continued living with the man long after the boy had grown up.

Such is usually the case with mother figures living with a predator. She stands by and witnesses the step-by-step destruction of her child in order to hang on to her “man”. Many mothers even become jealous of the attention the child receives, no matter how brutal. In other cases, they directly blame a sexually violated child by openly accusing the child of seduction.

The young man never told anyone but his therapist that when he was four, he used to wake up from nightmares about something hard and slimy under his blanket. When he awoke and felt the mattress, he wondered where the substance came from and what it was.

All of his life, he was tormented by his uncertain sexual identity. Even as this book was being written, he wondered whether he was bi-sexual or homosexual. But there is one thing he knew for sure: He was dying of full-blown AIDS, and in his mind, it was his rightful punishment for causing his father to hate him. Larry died before this book was published.

He had lived in a single room in a 10-story subsidized housing facility. Long abandoned by his family, he had no visitors, except for me, his support-counseling advisor. I recall him always sweating profusely with the air conditioner on high, full-blast, even in winter. I had to keep my coat on when I was in his apartment.

Most of all, I remember how he would beam each time he saw me, even though it was only one hour once a week. My job was only to provide company, but I treated him anyway, with the goal of freeing him from guilt. Most importantly, I did help him accept that he was a child of God with as much value as anyone and that his abuse was caused by the abuser, not by him, the victim.

Eventually, another therapist, a man, took my place and after about a month, made a pass at him. Larry was so upset by the incident that he called the agency providing the service and cancelled any future “therapy”.

St. Paul called the love of money the root of all kinds of evil. But child abuse is an evil root that runs deeper, spreads farther, and holds a specific, predictable consequence: the loss of personhood and often of life itself. Always feeling despicable, the victim has neither hope nor any concept of eternal life. There is no possibility of a healthy relationship with God.

While AIDS is only one example, it is a recurring demonstration of abuse leading to a deadly disease. When a mind is set off course, the body follows.

In 2004, I presented a continuing education class on domestic violence for a medical center in Jacksonville, Florida. I began my remarks with this statement: “Domestic violence begins at age four.” Abuse at the hands of a partner in early adulthood does not arise out of a vacuum merely by the poor choice of a mate. Rather, maltreatment from this stage on is very often the natural outcome of a type of “brainwashing” that begins early and receives reinforcement many times through the years.

It is during the early years that humans acquire their first ideas about who they are, and, unfortunately, they believe these falsehoods for the rest of their lives. Victims are initiated into a pattern of abuse, including self-abuse, not in adulthood, but in childhood. As a matter of fact, every one of us comes into adulthood with a second-hand opinion of who we are.

When a little child is called brilliant, stupid, beautiful, ugly, hopeless, helpless, good, bad, a blessing, or a curse, the child has no choice but to accept these assertions as “gospel”. What other source of information does he have? He can absorb only the information available to him.

These messages are communicated just as well or better by what is unsaid. The glances, the pauses, the scowls, the smiles, the visual forces, all speak indelibly, although without sound. The child’s self-definition derives from these impressions. They are permanent, like initials carved in the bark of a young tree that only enlarge as the tree grows.

You may have wondered by now why an example of male abuse has been included in our opening case histories, when little girls are abused, especially sexually, far more often. The reason is that the effects are the same. Female sexual abuse is slightly more prevalent. As best we know, one in every three little girls is sexually abused and about one in four boys. There is no way to know the actual prevalence because, of course, abuse occurs in secret. However, it is fairly accurate to say that perhaps 90 percent of women attending Alcoholics Anonymous have been sexually abused, and about 80 percent of the men have been physically abused, a large but unknown number sexually. Half the abused women are victims of incest. Present studies indicate about 40 million children abused per day world-wide.

When the child reaches adolescence, having mastered the lessons about who he is, he is driven to experiment. His concept of self may not work in the peer group, so various trial personalities and their accompanying behavior must be rotated until one works. Not to fit in means annihilation, not just rejection, and today the consequences can mean physical attacks as well. Clothes with the wrong label might literally be torn from his back.

In adulthood, the urgency to meet life on its own terms, that is, deal with the challenges of living, becomes more pressing, with countless choices to be made. One’s identity, or a solid sense of who one is, determines the direction of these choices. But this idea of “self” is no more than a chance configuration. It is formed by combining the second-hand opinions received in childhood with the results of adolescent experimentation. Victims enter adult life with the greatest possible handicap—believing they know who they are and being wrong, or, alternatively, having no idea whatsoever. Either case requires dependence on someone else.

While child abuse might harshly be stated as “raping the soul”, even children reared in fairly normal homes still suffer a “molestation” of their identity through the communication of false information about themselves. The messages can even be seemingly positive. I have met nearly-retarded people who were told all of their lives that they were brilliant, and the result was a life of endless frustration as they attempted to achieve goals that were impossible for them. And worse, they left unattended great possibilities in other realms that would have paid off with great enrichment.

But the tragedies I have seen over 28 years of practice mostly result from destructive, even malicious, assertions about the child’s nature on the part of parents, teachers, siblings, and other influential members of the child’s early social circle. This “programming” has cheated them out of a fulfilling life that could have fostered the greatest joy of all: being and celebrating their own self, a completely unique creation of God Himself. Indeed, for those who are spiritual, blossoming into the fullness of one’s being—with the hidden talents, gifts, and abilities thoroughly explored—is the highest honor to one’s Creator, however that divine entity may be defined. It might even be argued that such is the highest form of praise. One victim who responded very well to treatment proclaimed:

For the first time in my life, I have been given the greatest sense of freedom: to know that the career I have chosen, that of a dedicated mother and wife, reflects the real ‘me’ and therefore is honorable, is a huge joy. I don’t have to listen to the old messages, that I’m no good, that I’m bad.

I have spent my whole life feeling like a worthless piece of sh—. No matter how hard I tried, my father and step-mother would always put me down. I could do nothing to make them happy, to accept me. I could not make them give me the affection and feeling of worth I always needed so badly.

I’m not to blame for their inabilities as parents. I’m learning that I didn’t cause their unhappiness, that the messages I was given as a child were false.

I have always believed bad things happened because I was a bad girl; that I was unworthy to have a mother; that it was my fault that a neighbor molested me—my fault because I was the one who went into his house.

I have let people abuse me verbally and physically because I believed that is what I deserved. Today, I’m learning I don’t deserve to be treated that way. I am finding myself, my true self!

There is hope for people like me, and I believe if doctors become aware of what child abuse does, people like me can recover instead of being misdiagnosed, institutionalized, given improper medications, and ending up suicidal.

The Statistical Evidence

From the American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children, perhaps the most reliable authority today1:

Perpetrator Relationship

Victim data were analyzed by relationship of duplicate victims to their perpetrators. Four-fifths (81.3%) of victims were maltreated by a parent either acting alone or with someone else. Nearly two-fifths (37.2%) of victims were maltreated by their mother acting alone. One-fifth (19.1%) of victims were maltreated by their father acting alone. One-fifth (18.5%) of victims were maltreated by both parents. Thirteen percent of victims were maltreated by a perpetrator who was not a parent of the child. (See table 3–10.)

Child Victim Demographics

The remaining analyses in this chapter focus on the demographics of the child victims and were conducted using the unique count of victims. The youngest children are the most vulnerable to maltreatment. More than one-third (34.0%) of all FFY 2010 unique victims were younger than 4 years. One-fifth (23.4%) of victims were in the age group 4–7 years. (See table 3–11, figure 3–4, and related notes.)

Children younger than 1 year had the highest rate of victimization at 20.6 per 1,000 children in the population of the same age. Victims with the single-year age of 1, 2, or 3 years old had victimization rates of 11.9, 11.4, and 11.0 victims per 1,000 children of those respective ages in the population. In general, the rate and percentage of victimization decreased with age.

Victimization was split between the sexes, with boys accounting for 48.5 percent and girls accounting for 51.2 percent. Fewer than 1 percent of victims had an unknown sex. (See table 3–12 and related notes.)

Eighty-eight percent of unique victims were comprised of three races or ethnicities—African-American (21.9%), Hispanic (21.4%), and White (44.8%). However, victims of African-American, American-Indian or Alaska Native, and multiple racial descents had the highest rates of victimization at 14.6, 11.0, and 12.7 victims, respectively, per 1,000 children in the population of the same race or ethnicity. (See table 3–13, figure 3–5, and related notes.)

As far back as 1997, 41 states reported that nearly 1,000 children were known by child protective agencies to have died as a result of abuse or neglect in each state reporting. These agencies further estimated reports of physical abuse at the 3-million mark nationwide, but admit that a high but unknown percentage of cases are never reported. (U.S. Dept. Health and Human Services, 1997).

Recent statistics are even more staggering, as illustrated by one single state, South Carolina. The website Childwelfare.com, hosted by Duncan Lindsey, indicates a child population of 1,009,641, with 11,246 of these children abused in 2002 alone. (This is a national site, where your own state can be examined.) Nationally, this source reports the highest percentage of abuse to occur in the 0 to 3 age group (16%), followed by 4 to 7 (13.7 %), then 8 to 11 (11.9%), 12 to 15 (10.6%), and 16 to 17 (6.0%).

But as serious as these abuses are, they do not match the greatest damage: the message that abuse implants in the child permanently.

Another patient reports:

I used to have images cross my mind, then quickly dismiss them. I had no reason to believe anything like sexual abuse had happened to me. After all, no one in my family had said anything tragic had happened to me or my family when I was four years old.

My pain escalated in adulthood until I was brave enough to consider that something had happened and gave myself permission to explore the idea. I was like a computer unable to proceed until the sequence was right. I’ve learned to pay attention to these images—that is, flashbacks—sometimes visual, sometimes almost audible, all packed with feelings.

My molestation was filled with emotional messages which I have believed for 43 years. My assailant was my “true love”. “Don’t tell anyone. They won’t like you,” he said. These messages were recalled only by my being in a group. While others were sharing, little pieces of my own life started to come together.

It has been a lot of painstaking emotional pain to discover all this, but it’s been worth it, to be able to proceed with my life. Now, at 43, I am finally rid of the garbage and am reasonably happy.

When my molester almost got caught, he abandoned me, and left me feeling false guilt: that it was my fault. To make matters worse, I was a victim of a dysfunctional, negative, and abusive family that fed on my weakness. I was the oldest of seven children and was told how to feel, how not to feel, so I believed I had no right to my own feelings. That apparently made it harder to discover what I do feel and to trust those feelings as cues to my recovery. I couldn’t do anything fast enough or well enough to meet their approval, adding to my distress.

The weather even had an effect on me. The sun casting a certain shadow triggered deep emotional feelings of fear, sadness, and aloneness. The same with certain sounds and music. I am learning to pay attention to these things, to recognize them and deal with them and get healthy.

Too few professionals are up to date on what they need to know about the devastation of child abuse. The American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children (APSAC), an organization I highly value and depend upon, conducted a survey of professional needs (APSAC, 1994) and confirmed that competent assistance for victims is a literal void.

There is simply not enough competent help for abuse victims. Interdisciplinary people working in the field cited as the most difficult aspects of their work, “Heavy workload, low pay, public laws and policies that impede my work, and lack of communication with interdisciplinary colleagues.”

One woman believes she would not have survived if she had not found our therapy group. A psychiatric nurse as well as a survivor of child and domestic abuse, she says our understanding and treatment go far beyond what is now being offered in the field at large:

They have given me an understanding of the trauma, so that I can live with it, on a daily basis. Healing from trauma takes time, understanding, encouragement, and compassion that few professionals are willing or able to give, in my experience. My doctor has been gifted in this field. He has saved my life and given me a sense of peace within that I have searched for in a therapist for years. The ideas he presents make sense and give people hope that they can overcome the trauma that has been inflicted on them.

APSAC reports that child protective agencies nationally were able to investigate only 28 percent of cases in which children were harmed by maltreatment in 1993, compared with 44 percent in 1986. It is acknowledged that these facts are far from recent, but research has always been a low priority compared with other national health issues.

An anonymous, inner-city teacher, writing in the Society’s booklet, “Connecting with Kids,” reports,

I see a lot of this kind of thing [child abuse], but D was one of the most troubling kids I’d seen. At seven years of age, he was fatalistic, foul-mouthed, and jumpy. He was hypervigilant—he seemed scared all the time, and he was utterly unable to concentrate. You’d see a flash of sweetness in him now and then, but mostly he was too on-guard for that.

The day he came in with a welt on his cheek, I decided it was time to call child protective services. The caseworker hooked up with the police to do a home visit, where they found total chaos—filth, rotating boyfriends, violence among the adults, violence in the neighborhood. Both the mom and several of her boyfriends had been in and out of prison. Mom had dealt some drugs. Years ago, people would have said that D was a “troublemaker”; now we say he’s a kid suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of violence in his home and neighborhood. (APSAC Advisor).

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is one of the more easily definable outcomes of child abuse. Most severely victimized children, in my experience, can be accurately diagnosed for PTSD. Not until adulthood, when life stresses compound, do they eventually seek treatment; that is, those few who do. As for the children, they are often diagnosed with hyperactivity, attention-deficit disorder, conduct disorder, Asperger’s syndrome, and even bi-polar disorder. Notice that the victim always gets the label, never the abuser.

Most traumatized people abuse alcohol and other drugs. They are found everywhere in Twelve-Step programs including Alcoholics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, and Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Current estimates of the number of female incest survivors in Twelve-Step programs. range from 40 to 80 percent. Similarly, about an equal percentage of men in these groups have survived some sort of physical abuse as children, according to many studies (AA World Services, 2012). Nearly 100 percent of these victims have never been treated. Those who relapse the most—or completely give up—tend to be those who have been through the worst nightmares that life has to offer children.

The public at large seems to blame the male homosexual for the AIDS epidemic. However, the group spreading the disease most rapidly today consists of intravenous drug abusers. Many of them, perhaps easily the majority, were pointed toward the needle not by the peer group but by the abuse in childhood. Perhaps some make it all the way to elementary school before their true selves are mangled. But one thing is sure in my experience: Rarely does a substance abuser know who he is.

1 http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/pubs/cm09/cm09.pdf