The Unexpurgated Code E-Book

J.P. Donleavy

• Herausgeber: The Lilliput Press
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2012

Beschreibung

With the world a harsh and cruel place and an enemy out to get you if he can, courtesy will not make you rich overnight but by degrees it makes others feel good and this in turn will make you feel even etter … With more and more folk from the wrong side of the tracks, it is important to make more room at the bottom. 'The Unexpurgated Code' takes plain folk through the useful rules of social climbing.

Leseprobe

J. P. Donleavy

The Unexpurgated Code

A Complete Manual of Survival & Manners

With drawings by the author

The Lilliput Press

Contents

Title Page

Social Climbing

Upon Being Not to the Manner Born

Useful Rules in Social Climbing

Finding a Social Circle Which Spirals Upwards

Accent Improvement

Upon Embellishing Your Background

Upon Embellishing the Area in Which You Reside

Upon Choosing Your Residence

Upon Choosing Your Neighbour

Upon Your Residence’s Appurtenances

Upon Refining Your Taste

Upon Throwing Your First Large Party

Upon Not Being Socially Registered

Upon Being Excluded from Who’s Who

Upon the Sudden Reawakening of Your Sordid Background

Name Changing

Ass Kissing and Other Types of Flattery

On Rubbing Elbows with the Rich

Associating with the Bootless and Unhorsed

Knowing When You Have Reached the Top

Extinctions and Mortalities

The Final Resting Place

Upon Being Told the Fatal News That You Have Only So Long to Live and That It Is Not Long

Dying

Wills, Legacies, Chattels

Suicide

Parting Words, Gestures, Apparel and Conversations

Execution

At the Funeral

Cannibalism

The Duel

At the Duelling Site

Impromptu Combat

Upon Making the Contract for the Rubout

Upon Abandoning Ship

Upon Abandoning the Aircraft

The Drunken Lout Loose in the Aircraft

Upon Being Hijacked

Upon Your Dog Killing Another

Upon Your Dog Being Killed by Another

Upon Being a Victim at the Hospital

Upon Dying of Shame

Euthanasia

Posterity

Vilenesses Various

Farting

Bodily Stench

Bad Breath and Toothpicks

Other Orifices Ears and Enemas

Hocking, Spitting and Throat Clearing

Smoking

Plate and Knife Licking

Shaving

Baldness

Dentures

Dandruff

Promiscuous Pissing

Pimple and Black Head Squeezing

Discarded Hairs and Nails

Solitary Masturbation

The Vicissitudes of Clap

Upon Being Clapped Up

Naming Names of Clapper Uppers

Upon Confronting the Clapped Up

Upon Placing the Blame for Venereal Infection

The Syph

The Crab Louse

The Flea

The Sneaky Doing of the Reprehensible

In Pursuit of Comfortable Habits

At the Breast

In the Cradle

In Your High Chair

Upon Throwing Objects Out of Your Perambulator

Beginning Your Daily Adult Day

Toilet

Upon Clothing and Appearances

Upon Having One’s Ultimate Kit

Visiting Your Banker

Visiting Your Bank

At the Barber

At the Chiropodist

The Shoeshine

At the Porno Show

At the Massage Parlour

Upon Saucy Assemblages

In the Proximity of the Horse

At the Stud Sale

At the Races

Upon Choosing Your Racing Colours

Upon Entering Your Horse for the Derby

Polo

Recreational Amusements

Gaming

At the Arena

The Season

Reunions

On Safari

Upon a Gent Marrying a Lady for Her Money

At the Club

Athletic Clubs

At the Theatre

Artistic and Literary Circles

Patronage

At the Fine Art Auction

Voyeurism and Other Peeping Toms

Ecclesiastic Thrill Seeking

Transvestism

A Further and Better Particular of a Frisson

Stripping and Streaking

Perils and Precautions

Upon Being Stung on the End of Your Prick by a Bee on a Golf Course

Dealing with the Insane

In the Elevator

Angers

Upon Coming upon Two Citizens Engaged in a Fight

Upon Witnessing an Indoor Nuisance Befailing a Lady

Upon People Walking Straight into Pools and Water Filled Excavations and There Being Immersed Headlong

Upon Your Spit Landing on Another

Upon a Fair Fight

The Mugger

To Avoid Attack

Upon Giving Assistance to One Attacked

As a Pedestrian

As a Motorist

Upon Confronting a Burglar

Upon Encountering Incivilities from Taxi Drivers

Upon Helping Ladies Too Fat for Taxis to Get in One

Fat Ladies in Phone Booths

When the Overwhelming Desire to Goose a Lady Cannot Be Suppressed

Upon Having without Invitation an Uncontrolled Erection

Upon Being Exorcised

When an Undesirable Moves In Next Door

Suburban Boundaries

Plumbing

As a House Guest

Upon Shortening a Guest’s Stay upon the Country Estate

Upon Being Required to Work as a Guest

The Willing ‘Let’s Go Gang’ Guest

Upon a Commoner Encountering a Member of the Titled Classes

Upon Being a Member of the Titled Classes

The Wife’s Disappearance at the Country House Party

Food Throwers

Upon Encountering Strange and Suspicious Noises

Upon Changing Your Sex

Upon Nude Encounters with Servants

Upon Being of a Colour in an Area Where Such Colour Is Not Highly Esteemed

Upon Some Guest’s Kid Abusing Your Chattels

Upon Suffering Social Descent as a Member of the Gentry to the Lower Classes

The Au Pair

Upon Inheriting a Title or Gaining Rank

Attending the Reading of Wills

Upon Encountering Massive Windfalls

Upon Being Sued

When the World Rats on You

Upon Inlaws Moving In or Trying to Commandeer Your Property

Upon Stabbing Folk in the Back

Upon Doing the Decent Thing in the Face of Many Juicy and Shoddy Alternatives

Upon Presenting Yourself before an Investigating Committee

Upon Replying to Interrogation

Upon Committing Perjury

Upon Bad Mouthing an Enemy

Upon Being Published in a Debtors’ Gazette

Upon the Bailiff or Sheriff Arriving to Possess Goods

Upon Doing unto Others as They Would So Treacherously Delight to Do unto You

Upon Being Unflatteringly Dressed in an Emergency

Upon Letting Your Lawn Grass Grow Long

Upon Being Made Aware of an Insult to Your Hotel Companion

Upon Paying the Bill in a Restaurant

Upon Inducing Folk to Eat Cheap When You Have Invited Them to Dine

Upon Becoming Sick on or Objecting to a Restaurant’s Food

Face Lifting and Plastic Surgery

Upon Suing Your Hosts for Injury in Their House

Mischiefs and Memorabilia

Upon Being Cuckolded

Mirrors

Upon Observing Folk Who Appear So Overly Sure of Themselves

Facial Expressions

Displaying Your Medals and Decorations

Upon Walking into Places as If You Own Them

Upon Feeling Out of Place

Upon Folk Putting Their Feet Up on Your Furniture

Upon Travelling in Space

Upon Being a Big Shot

Upon Ennobling Your Noble Spirit

Upon Being Cultured

Upon Being Unknown

Fame and Celebrity

Upon the Display of Sun Tan

On Tipping

Upon Being Snubbed

When You Are Laughed At

Upon People’s Attention Wandering as You Talk

Upon Accepting Prizes Awards and Distinctions

Upon Contributing Money

Upon Using People for What They’re Worth

Upon Living and Let Live

Upon Heaping Abuse on the High and Mighty

Upon Being High and Mighty with the Low and Weak Heaping Abuse

Upon Being a Sportsman

Upon Accosting Your Trusted Manager or Accountant Who Has Been Cheating You over a Long Number of Years

Upon Being Puzzled by the Meaning of Life

Upon the Pointy Two Toned Shoe

Upon the Light Tan Shoe

Upon Being Done the Tiniest of Courtesies

Upon Those Who Lack the Basic Human Decencies

On Wielding Disparaging and Chastening Terms Various

Terms of Reference for Disapproved Folk

Four Letter Words

The Unforgivable Insult

Handy Sayings

Upon the Proper Haughty Posture for the Delivery of Insult

In Extra Ordinary Pukka Conversation

Verbal Invitations

Trembling Your Lid before Flipping It

Handshaking

Bowing

Upon Introduction

Name Dropping

Gatecrashing

Upon Doing Surreptitious Damage at Your Host’s Party

Dancing

The Telephone

Receiving Letters

Letter Writing

Upon Writing the Annual Mimeographed Dear Friends Letter

Upon Replying to an Unexpurgated Form Letter

Christmas

Servants

On Being a Good Butler

Upon the Conduct of Business Negotiations

Upon Being Interviewed

Upon Hiring a Secretary

Duties as a Citizen

Vacating Your Seat on Public Transport

Upon Glances at Ladies

How to Prevent People from Detesting You

Calling Cards

Living in Your Own Little Enclosed World of Privilege and Liking It a Whole Bunch

On Taking Free Reads of Newspaper Headlines

Upon Fouling the Footpath

Upon Ordering Kit

Upon Robbing a Bank

Having Successfully Robbed a Bank

Philosophy

Blowing upon Soup

Upon Opening Your Stately Home to the Public

Upon the Nearby Arrival of a Flying Saucer

Wife Beating

Upon Being to the Manner Born

When Blackballed from a Club to Which You Have Desperately Tried to Gain Admittance

Upon Having Your Picture Taken with Famous People

Hotels

Upon a Lady Exhibiting a Motion Picture of Her Saucy Antics

Upon Encountering Happiness

Upon the Untoward in the Pissoir

Upon Being Old

Upon Disappearing

Upon Exercising a Realistic Thought

The Psychologist

Upon Biting the Hand That Feeds You

Forgiveness

Upon Expecting Fair Play in High Places

When Some Supercilious Cunt Asks Is There Anything Wrong

The Old School Tie

Charm

Upon Various Races Venturing Abroad

Upon Being Down and Out

Meditation

Religions

Caution

Shabby People

Shabby Shabby People

Shabby Shabby Shabby People

Upon Good Manners Honour and Duty Getting You Absolu tely Nowhere

Ingredients for Survival

Epitaph

About the Author

Copyright

Social Climbing

Upon Being Not to the Manner Born

When this unpleasant remark is made about you, stand up, making sure your flies are closed and announce in a firm voice.

‘To hell with that shit.’

You may add, with a hint of hurt modesty flavouring the voice.

‘I was born, wasn’t I, and that’s enough for me.’

Of course your opponent’s high pitched riposte will be.

‘But sir, that is not enough for us.’

Sit down and think. A valuable antique chair helps. Cross your legs and pull up your socks. Right away if your socks are white or otherwise bright you are in trouble unless you happen to be in yachting or tennis gear. In these latter equipages you can assume you are not entirely without hope.

Examine your background. If you really stare it straight in the status it’s surprising the amount of dignity which can be salvaged from the unvarnished truth. Even from the unmitigated wrong side of the tracks or floor of the apartment building, there’s bound to be something that will entitle you to make an effective reply to the lousy remark above. This is why everybody should research around a little in his lineage. Back far enough or out to the side, someone must have been something once.

For orphans who do not know who their parents were, this is sad but by no means socially fatal, and affords you a fresh start. If you have received a Red Cross Life Saving Certificate, riposte pronto with this information. After their first few ha ha ha’s, your temporarily superior opponents will cringe at your hopeless effort to give an accounting of yourself. And you will really feel rotten. Your crestfallen demeanour, however, will make them clear off. They will not be inviting you to their parties. But you are left with a marvellous incitement to social climb.

Useful Rules in Social Climbing

Sketch out and firmly keep in mind your own personal dreams of grandeur in which circumstances you figure you will be when you finally get there. Forthrightly behave as if you had already made it. This will require you to strike various seemingly affected poses and possibly expose you to ridicule, especially in the matter of pretending to descend a grand staircase. It is entirely essential to be indifferent to those who laugh, point and smirk.

Impose a limit upon the speed at which you socially rise. This makes your ascent more graceful. Plus you do not always find yourself surrounded by a bunch of total strangers which can happen when you’ve sped right by everybody. Also any calm casualness by which you can proceed will recommend you to the discerning eye of other dedicated climbers.

Until you are firmly socially established, under no circumstances give large parties with fountains of good champagne and chilled marble bowls of caviar nestled on orchid covered tables. Instead indulge yourself semi privately with these extravagant deliciousnesses. When you get a lot of your folk crammed in your house slamming back the goodies, a socially demeaning conspiracy could get going against you as well as firm friendships which depressingly exclude you.

The smile ranks only after money and ass kissing as the major tool in climbing. It is recommended to smile as often as you can without appearing like a nut. Should someone accost you to say they do not like your smile. Wait. Until you are both on safari. When a lot of suitable ripostes connected with camels will rapidly come to mind and the setting will lend a helpful hand to the thrust.

Be easily amused. This is a socially superior characteristic, only improved upon by being highly amused. But for your own safety it is as well to temper this latter quality by never explosively convulsing with laughter except in the presence of established intimates. If however you are temporarily not easily amused and someone who may be of social advantage has put much effort into the telling of a joke, make every effort possible to remark.

‘Hey that’s really rich.’

The greatest social strides forward are always made by unhesitatingly letting people know straight to their faces how wonderful they are, especially in the matter of their apparel.

‘Gee I like the roll on your lapels, I really do.’

The phrase ‘I really do’ offers reassurance to a guy who is not entirely certain his lapels are not for the birds and thinks you’re spoofing him. Also it provides an air of surprise that you couldn’t help blurting out your feelings. This is helpful when a member of the socially elite is suspicious of you. Small expletives such as ‘gee’, ‘hey’ and ‘boy o boy’ can always help make your remarks endearingly credible. When they might otherwise come dangerously close to gross insult. As happens when these small expletives are repeated more than once.

Don’t look back. The faces are not nice to see. Your ascent will cause those whom you have left behind, below and under, to suffer a personality corrosion which will etch upon them looks of deeply grieved resentment.

Finding a Social Circle Which Spirals Upwards

Seek out the spectacularly pukka. These chaps are found in the most likely places and are easily recognized, attired as they usually are at ten a.m. in horse riding kit. Making their acquaintance can be a long time ordeal, occasioning frequent disillusionment, as more than likely on first contact they want to avoid you. Steel yourself against this.

Areas well known for social upward velocities will also be rife with folk running out of their minds frisson hunting in every direction. You can get yourself entangled with the most god awful non entities. Seize it as an opportunity to practise not letting your jaw drop when encountering persons of no account. This is helpful when you finally happen upon the spectacular pukka who is temporarily amusing himself by pretending a much lower social status. Often his signet ring and footwear is a dead give away. Train yourself to recognise these as well as the tell tale old ducks and partly stained but clean tee shirt. He’ll be drinking a beer and relishing the opportunity of being away from household servants and estate workers. And remember, as he is taking time off from the corporation board room where he presides as chairman, the last thing he can stand is a stuffed shirt. But he will welcome the company of a real down to earth regular guy.

Except when spying on husbands or lovers, spectacular pukka ladies hardly ever pretend a lower social status. They prefer their gowns and leisure garments to be recently rushed from the reigning haute couturier. Featured in these creations and splendidly engemmed in their best diamonds they hit the top resorts, watering places, restaurants and hotel lobbies, knocking hell out of the opposition. Chauffeuring and undertakingis sometimes about the only entree to such women, except if you crack their country habitat.

These rural paradises are always made obvious by their great adjoining lawns, blue pebbled drives and palatial houses set with their elevations gleaming amid rare horticulture. Isolated on such estates, the spectacular pukka lady can be found reclining on down filled chaise longues, surrounded by her fashion magazines and often bored out of her brains. This however does not make the task of befriending her any less difficult. In fact, upon learning of your existence, there are some perverse enough to deliberately enjoy not meeting you. In such cases the only answer is brazen trespass.

One third of the battle is succeeding in making it over the hedge, wall or battlement. The day chosen should be warmly sunny when your subject is on the terrace and late morning coffee has just been served. But remember you are an intruder. And prepare yourself. Because just as your more than likely elderly matron will be gasping in horror, you will be sighing with the promised sight of a person of real quality and not some half mummy anchored by gold bracelet charms and pumped up with transplant hormones.

Be sportily attired. Brazen trespass requires this. A paisley scarf at the neck is a nice touch. Obstacles must be bypassed without ripping the garments. A little reconnoitre will avoid your being accosted by outdoor servants, Doberman pinschers or, god forbid, Irish wolfhounds. Upon proceeding in an unhurried manner and reaching your quarry, the following opening remarks are recommended delivered at six yards with an educated accent while leaning forward upon your extended right foot in an impatiently enquiring manner.

‘Forgive me madam, I hope I’m not disturbing you, but this is, is it not, Zanadu.’

‘Who are you?’

‘I was about to ask you.’

‘This happens not to be Zanadu and, I think, is my terrace.’

‘Good lord, what a merry puddle, my man must have taken the wrong turning. Chauffeurs these days appear to regard one rural lane the same as another. Do please, forgive me.’

Bow and withdraw immediately. Under normal circumstances the matron, having heard your phrase ‘what a merry puddle’, will enquire after whom you are seeking. After first making sure your matron is not an intimate of theirs, provide a refined name of not too obvious social significance. You should be invited back that evening for drinks. If you are not, a further degree of haughtiness is required in your accent.

Accent Improvement

While accomplishing this it is essential to remove yourself from old pals, neighbourhood and hometown. By this, you may of course be doing yourself two favours instead of one. Nothing is more easily avoided than an unpleasant accent and the one you were born with, although keeping you at ease with your peers, may hinder your planned giant strides towards grandeur. Often folk’s normal voices can sound ugly, abusive and threatening. This is undesirable unless you are intending work as a debt collector. Your biggest drag will come from your immediate family and their no account friends. The latter invariably commenting.

‘Hey where did you get that accent from.’

‘I most certainly did not get it from you, sir. Nor, I should add, from any of your near relatives.’

Provided folk upon whom you wish to make a favourable impression are not present, accent practice may be got without fatal social risks from attendants in gentlemen’s conveniences. At the time of tipping, reach into a pocket to withdraw your change purse.

‘O dash, what a bore, not a single bronze centime, do please forgive me, old chum, I know it sounds awfully fake, but I haven’t a bean on me.’

Your accent has passed if the attendant replies.

‘That’s quite all right sir, another time will do.’

Your accent has failed if, upon the return of your purse to your pocket, the attendant growlingly and recklessly rips the stoppers out of the basins and then noisily slams down lavatory seats and kicks the waste basket skidding across the tiles. However, should he have the audacity while performing these tiresome antics to utter within your hearing.

‘You lousy rotten phoney, you.’

Presto another opportunity is presented for accent practice.

‘Sir, I refer you to your socks whose holes I am sure you will find useful in sieving out the larger of your teeth for museum exhibition after I have knocked them out of your tedious head.’

During and after accent improvement, accent slipping is a discouraging phenomenon but if properly manipulated it can be turned to some advantage in your upward velocity. In any event, having steered clear of future latrines where your practising might again be botched, it is quite permissible to indulge voluminous accent slipping in letting off steam publicly occasioned by social inferiors offering unpleasant lip.

Should the accent slip in polite company, it is of course a real triumph to have a different and better one underneath. This momentarily can hold ostracism at bay. However when a quite forward, no nonsense type of listener pricks up his ears and loudly announces.

‘Sir, your accent has slipped.’

Smile winningly and slowly bow the head to regard your shoe tips shyly and explain.

‘I’m awfully sorry about that but every time mother and father went on expedition and I was left with nannie I did prefer the excitement of below stairs.’

Your opponent will, if he is of any consequence, reply.

‘That explanation sir I regard as a dire and an abominable tissue of poppycock.’

Before hinting of your close relatives in government tax collecting circles to this type of difficult person, take a good deep breath, blink the eyes as if you did not hear correctly and then in an offhand manner riposte.

‘Well, as a matter of fact, I am of unobtrusive origins but I thought it would be skittish and amusing to presume upon your good breeding and a gentleman’s toleration by entertainingly presenting my best efforts of speech to you, sir.’

The likes of this stubborn individual will no doubt continue to answer you annoyingly. And to imbue him with a peaceful civility it may require your making no bones about being prepared to tingle his ears with a firm fluffing of your gloves about his cheeks.

In the isolated but special case of Australians, difficulty may arise when your opponent replies to your accent efforts,

‘Don’t hand me that shit, digger.’

Respond gallantly to the purity of the remark.

‘It is true that my present accent is acquired but my old one sounds fake and I should not like to do a chap such as yourself an injustice by using it.’

Upon Embellishing Your Background

Getting caught out in whopping falsehoods about your background can throw you off stride in making a big social step. People established in social status care bitterly about pedigree and position and care even more about the social status assumed by others as such representations are the very cherished ones upon which they themselves stand. It is prudent to wait a little till some vagueness has set in between your present status and your origins.

Having obscured yourself well from regrettable or unadvantageous background facts, present your strokes of embellishment in a light hearted manner and in a way that, should dangerous doubt arise, your polite listener will refer to you as ‘painting with a full brush.’ For security reasons distant historical figures are better than current dynastic names to attach to, although the latter if residing in a remote country may be mentioned in the relationship of first cousinhood. Second cousinhood may attach to fairly well established social figures. And third cousinhood to the society leader of the day. Descent from famous explorers, or heads of state can also nicely fit the bill.

However, when upon a gala evening you stand by the champagne punch, adorned in decorations and insignia to which you are not entitled, and this regrettable chap wearing tails, adjusting his monocle and rocking on his heels thrusts the following vowels at you.

‘You are rather decorated aren’t you.’

‘Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.’

‘And fully entitled I assume.’

‘Well I do feel, as a matter of modesty, that I cannot accept full credit for these distinctions as some of them are hereditary.’

‘Do you mean to say, sir, that a previous person is meriting and that you, sir, are posturing.’

‘That’s a rotten aspersion.’

‘I say there then, from whom are you descended.’

‘They got the files mixed up.’

‘That, sir, is further inadequate as a reply.’

‘Well, I’1l tell you, you see, my ancestor was head of state at the time and because they were out to get him, all the god damn family records were strewn about, lost or burned.’

‘Quite as I expected you to say sir.’

‘Well, let me also say, buster, that our family motto to which I adhere is two fold and is here presented in bold letters on this card I am shoving in front of your eyes.’

SELF IS THE EMBLEM ALL

In the moment or two that it takes your opponent to make head or especially tails of your family motto, refer to his own decorations and press an index finger firmly upon the smallest and state enthusiastically.

‘Ah I like that one, I really do.’

Most pomposities of his calibre will give you an endless song and dance as to how it was awarded, relieving you of further desperate necessity to appear unproved from what you are.

Upon Embellishing the Area in Which You Reside

Folk in the right arrondissement know this demarcation within a footstep and will rarely venture into questionable territory. In fact they will stop and shudder in their tracks, bless themselves and retreat backwards pronto. So while taking any big social stride, it’s kind of bad to be caught living in the wrong area. You’re better off in a good district without a pot to piss in than one where you have a receptacle of jade. Although if you have the latter use it plenty wherever you are.

However, if there is nothing for it and you are there lurking and sneaking around on the wrong side of the tracks, freeway, or river, always refer to it by its proper geographical map name or postal district and avoid euphemisms. Provided you are within polite shouting distance of the border it is permissible to pretend you are in the better of. two areas.

When no contemporary literary, artistic or show business association can be offered, you’ll usually find, after historically researching the area thoroughly, that someone has had some kind of noteworthy fight there. By describing the battle sites, number of Indians and strategies employed, it’s a nice touch, without stretching it too far, if the winner was an ancestor. If your bigoted listener is totally unimpressed and starts clearing his various throats, instantly hit him with your district’s geology which happens to shield from the harmful radiation he’s getting over on his side of town. It is disheartening if he is your usual obstinate son of a bitch and persists in keeping you in your place. Where of course, in fairness, it must be said you belong, but due to current widespread democracy you plan a change.

‘Sir you are living in an unprepossessing neighbourhood.’

‘Gee, I’m glad you noticed that.’

‘Why.’

‘Because I’m really deeply interested in self denial, although the architecture, in spite of being abused, is authentic, and much to my liking.’

‘Sir, I regard that as unmitigated nonsense.’

‘And you, sir, are hurting my feelings.’

Although this inflexible bugger will be temporarily nonplussed by your sudden anguish, only moving to his better district will unnerve him.

Upon Choosing Your Residence

Although in some cases this may be grossly unfair, you will be immediately classified by the approaches and front elevations. Or if an apartment house or block of flats by the lobby or stoop of your building. Every foot folk have to ambulate, motor, or limp over your property or your management’s to get to you is an invaluable social exaltation and safety precaution.

If you’re just making it out of lower middle or middle class, the mansion and walled private estate will in most cases have to be left for a later date in your life. However, go house hunting among the really swell places anyway. It is good practice to waltz through magnificently appointed spacious period residences of many exposed timbers, chimneypieces of character and other dignified touches, and which enjoy fine mature unspoilt views in the preferred directions with their additional landscape features. Then when you finally move into your overly boxy more modest residence and your neighbours stand around thinking you’re just like them you can let them know what you nearly bought. This will also drop the hint that they should be prepared for the moment of your future socially upward departure.

As much as a dump makes them steer clear, a really nice place makes folk like you better. A leafy suburban district among the lawn mowing class with a solid yeomanry is to be preferred. These areas are easily recognised by the chaps you see in the lighter shade of gabardine raincoat, catching the train at the local station and on Saturdays pressing into service their Bermuda shorts to dump their garbage, skiing outfits to shovel their snow, or old school sports attire in raking their leaves. However, in order not to be tricked by some imitator mowing his lawn in old school equipment from a no account school, some brief interrogation may be required. But be considerate when you glide up in your suitably nifty motor to an inhabitant you spot outside his house.

‘Hey, excuse me fella. Gee I don’t know how to preface this but what school did you go to.’

‘I beg your pardon.’

‘You know, your school, I’m thinking of buying a house and I want to be sure I don’t move in among a lot of phonies.’

Most folk, conscious in the extreme of their neighbourhood status, will take your forthright approach for what it is, a grossly presumptuous impertinence, and in case a deserving umbrage is taken, remain in your car for speedy departure.

Upon Choosing Your Neighbour

Right off the bat this could be fatal. You’ll always know, if, when you first clap eyes on him, you can’t sleep that night. His indelible boorish inelegance can really slam your social toes. And such unsatisfactory folk regrettably have implacable social confidence born of their monstrous ignorance and relieved only by a cowardly intelligence.

In addition to his merry bag of tricks, your loutish neighbour will exhibit astonishing reserves of energy and ingenuity in his unflagging resolve to cut you down to size. After adjoining your favourite flower bed with a pile of his worst garbage he invariably will hang his intimate laundry conspicuously in your view. The prominent depositing of unsavoury human wastes and derelict vehicles will be next on his list of diabolical liberties. Followed by hooting and jeering out his apertures especially on the occasion of one of your social master strokes convening a lot of formally dressed socially superior guests. Not even aged sheep urine squirted by water pistol helps. To beat this bastard you want to get out of there fast into a dwelling centrally situated in an extensive wall enclosed deer park where your Irish wolfhounds gambol freely. Or, as a last extreme and a cheaper method altogether, hire some imported dark complexioned muscle to play dice with his teeth or, in really unimpressionable cases, baseball with his head, Words, even the most embittered, rarely suffice,

‘You abominable wretched buffoon, you.’

‘Ha ha.’

‘You nauseous tiresome contemptible little pipsqueak, you.’

‘Ha ha ha. Social climber.’

Upon Your Residence’s Appurtenances

To be unerringly certain of setting your social sights straight right from the start, make sure of a butler’s pantry. Knock it out of walls, squeeze it from a closet, tear it out of a hall, but get one. You can really snow the opposition with this domestic office, especially in a half assed neighbourhood.

The number of your bathrooms next sets the tone. Under no circumstances, except one, does a four bathroom guy have to take lip from a two bathroom chap. The exception being mansions and castles providing the usual closet with china, pewter or jade pots to piss in. These respectively rate as half, three quarter, and full bathrooms.

Always be aware that your more sophisticated guests are on the lookout for something charming, A chamber with full panelling will instantly put them at their ease as well as signal your upward mobility. Balconies over sunken living rooms also give you a certain stylish zing, and add that precious touch of drama when ladies, done up to the nines, descend.

In all cases the old is better than the new except where the new is much better. An original design by an architect is a distinct plus where it isn’t a total minus. That is to say, when your architect is as naïve as you are.

A dwelling on a housing estate or large development needs a real enhancing boost, not only from your personal charm but by something folk can’t help seeing. Night illumination of some feature in your front elevations goes a long way towards letting folk know you are not content with just the ordinary. Should this cause sneering from passersby or hostile crowds to gather, concentrate on an interior embellishment. Providing plasterworks with deliberate elements of a playful but sculptural boldness in your ceiling cornices will attract your neighbour’s immediate attention when he pops in for a drink.

‘Hey what’s all that crap you’ve got up there on the ceiling.’

‘Well, as a matter of fact I had first planned these frontal rooms for parade rather than for a casual guest’s use.’

‘Well you could have fooled me.’

‘Until I succeed in having the gilt fringe form a sort of stylistic parallel with the rococo which can marry to the baroque pictorial devices I am planning, I prefer to treat the room informally.’

‘Hey gee whiz I’m just plain folk, are you kidding.’

Of course this chap’s ordinariness will test your mettle, but at least you become quickly advantaged in the realisation that he will do your social improvement little good. Kick him straight out of the house.

Upon Refining Your Taste

‘Sir I understand you have made an impudent snob’s choice of dwelling. Much ersatz outer upholstery. And would you believe it, hopeless architectural attempts at the bijou.’

‘I beg your pardon.’

‘And well you might sir. Because you stick out like a sore thumb in a neighbourhood whose only recommendation is, at best, its tiresome display of middle class presumptions.’

This is the new kind of lip you can expect to get just as you’re enjoying the relief of being shut of the little bastard flying his vile under garments on your garden horizons. But count yourself lucky to confront such a forthright gent. Most of your folk will make their sneaky nasty references to your appalling taste behind your back. Invite the chap in for a sherry. Direct his attention away from your pornographic prints and towards your interior furnishings. Ideally your fine art and antiques should awaken his discernment.

‘Well sir, not bad. No, not bad at all.’

Give him another sherry. While he notes the commercial value of your chattels. Especially your collectors’ pieces. But even the purchase of these requires taste. And yours should be improving fast with the ruthless hypocrites you’ve been moving among. However, if you’re having a devil of a time with clashing periods, stick with the medieval. It can look good anywhere. Even in your house.

As a general rule always furnish with the overtly spectacular. Should this cause doubt concerning your overall colour decoration go for sand. If you don’t know what this is, go for white. Or if this is no good try beige. Above all avoid looking as if all you’ve got is money. The colour that makes you do this is purple.

Throughout this crucial period of sharpening your aptitude for judging the beautiful, be careful of gifts of objets d’art from friends. They like to unload the passé on you that has been unloaded on them. A gentleman with some feminine sensibilities can always be called tip toeing in to advise. And never fail to openly admit that you do not know a Regency mahogany tea-poy on a well shaped pedestal from a small rare Charles II candle stand with the base in walnut and a marquetry top.

For moments of light relief, you will find it rather fun to mark your plaster imitations ‘Don’t Touch’. When no one is looking your guests will ignore your signs and surreptitiously scratch your hardware to test for genuineness. The plaster should be soft so that a liberal amount will be caught under your victim’s fingernail. This is a sure way to expose people like yourself.

As nothing is more socially disastrous than tipping off superior folk by your chattels, keep some rooms entirely bare or furnished with orange crates to throw them off the scent. But never say you like things natural looking. Or that a piece of furniture, unless it’s an orange crate, captures the spirit of the wood. Your general attitude should be entirely carefree. Kick an antique. Lightly of course. And for the pièce de résistance, awe your opponent out of his wits with one bare room the walls of which are hung with old masters and remark as you pass between the priceless collection.

‘I know what I like.’

But beware when your guest remarks.

‘I think it’s really you.’

And avoid the riposte.

‘What do you mean by that?’