Benjamin (english edition) E-Book

Elias J. Connor

• Herausgeber: FINN Books Edition FireFly
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

This is the life story of Benjamin Foster, a former alcoholic whose path is marked by turbulence and drama. Join him on his journey marked by his loyal goddaughter Crystal and his unwavering love for Jane, an autistic woman he meets later in his life. In this diary novel, author Elias J. Connor and his co-author Sweetie Willow reveal a story based on true events that could hardly be more gripping. Through Benjamin's encounters with limits he never knew before and a deep secret from his past that he almost fell victim to, we learn about the power of people like Crystal and Jane. These figures stand as symbols of hope and the possibility of redemption for all those who still remain in the shadow of their past. For those who have experienced challenges similar to Benjamin's, the author wants to convey a message of confidence: There are people out there who believe in you, who support you and show you that you don't have to be afraid. This is Elias J. Connor's most difficult work to date, but also his most honest and moving. It is the true story of Benjamin Foster that teaches us that even in the darkest of times, the light of hope and humanity can shine.

Leseprobe

Elias J. Connor

Benjamin (english edition)

Inhaltsverzeichnis

Dedication

Who is Benjamin?

PART 1

Prologue - The end of the beginning

Chapter 1 - Girl, girl

Chapter 2 - The secret game

Chapter 3 - Dream or reality

Chapter 4 - Benjamin's birthday

Chapter 5 - At the swimming pool

Chapter 6 - The bad grade in german

Chapter 7 - The night elsewhere

Chapter 8 - Why do you have to leave, Natalie?

Chapter 9 - Are such small hands

Chapter 10 - Night ride

Chapter 11 - Lost

Chapter 12 - Benjamin's confession

Chapter 13 - No one should see me

Chapter 14 - Attempted new beginning

Chapter 15 - The sister

Chapter 16 - New year's eve

Chapter 17 - Sworn against all

Chapter 18 - The secret meeting

Chapter 19 - Do I have to go back?

Chapter 20 - Evil memories

Chapter 21 - The clinic

Chapter 22 - Nothing but the truth

Chapter 23 - The workshop

Chapter 24 - Friends forever

Chapter 25 - The death of the mother

Chapter 26 - Unexpected help

Chapter 27 - The lost life

Chapter 28 - Shared accommodation

Chapter 29 - The gang

Chapter 30 - Shot away

Chapter 31 - Why?

Chapter 32 - Final destination

PART 2

Prologue - Quiet voices

Chapter 1 - The cold in my heart

Chapter 2 - Alone in the golden cage

Chapter 3 - A new path

Chapter 4 - Unreachable, but you are there

Chapter 5 - Why is no one listening?

Chapter 6 - Jane's birthday

Chapter 7 - The brother

Chapter 8 - Are we secretly together?

Chapter 9 - Far away from me

Chapter 10 - She's back

Chapter 11 - New life

Chapter 12 - Walls

Chapter 13 - Benjamin's truthful confession

Chapter 14 - The trip to the amusement park

Chapter 15 - Hopeless

Chapter 16 - Give it up

Chapter 17 - Sad autumn

Chapter 18 - Jane in nowhere

Chapter 19 - Crystal's lullaby

Chapter 20 - When a dream becomes reality

Chapter 21 - The first date

Chapter 22 - Pandemic

Chapter 23 - Jane's revelation

Chapter 24 - Crystal's farewell

Chapter 25 - The end of the rainbow

About the author Elias J. Connor

Impressum

Dedication

For Jana.

My rock in the storm.

My light. My life.

Thank you for existing.

Who is Benjamin?

The room exudes a calm elegance, with its soft grey painted walls creating a calming atmosphere. A touch of green from houseplants adds freshness and life to the room.

The desk, a work of art made of dark wood, stands at the center of the room, providing a pristine surface for the PC and other work tools. The PC itself is a sleek masterpiece of technology, with a generous screen that makes the man's work easier. The keyboard is quiet and responsive, while the mouse is precise and easy to use.

The man sits in an ergonomic office chair that supports him and ensures long-lasting comfort. His posture is upright and focused, while his eyes are intently focused on the screen. The keys click softly as his fingers glide over them, and he types with remarkable speed.

A few personal items adorn the desk, giving a glimpse into the man's life. A steaming cup of coffee is kept close at hand to energize him while he works. A notebook and pen lie next to the PC, ready to jot down important thoughts and ideas. A picture frame with a photo of his beautiful, lovely girlfriend reminds him of what is really important while he immerses himself in his work.

A modern desk lamp casts a warm glow over the desk, illuminating his face as he transfers his thoughts into the digital world. The silence of the room is only occasionally interrupted by the quiet hum of the PC.

Despite the silence and apparent stillness of the room, the man's energy is palpable. He is completely focused and committed as he puts his ideas into action and turns his thoughts into words. Every keystroke is a step forward toward his goal, and he works with a determination that is impressive.

The incredibly beautiful woman in the photo is my friend Jana. The framed picture hangs right above my desk and I look at it every time I sit at the computer. Her smile is so enchanting. Oh, how did I manage to win her over? I couldn't have imagined this in my wildest dreams for years, if not decades.

I met her in 2017. That was quite a while ago now. We liked each other from the start, but we had to go a long way and fight a hard battle before we could finally confess our love to each other and have it accepted by everyone around us. That really wasn't easy, because Jana and I are two very special people.

Why this is so will be explained later in this story. I will also tell the story of the path that each of us took before we arrived at our present day, in the here and now.

I am Benjamin. Of course that is not my real name. My real name is Elias. And Jana does not use her real name in this story either. I call her Jane, who came to me to change my future after years of uncertainty.

Now I sit back, full of hope, joy and strength for all the things that are to come in the future. Full of gratitude for a loving friend like Jana.

Even if it is there - the final destination... Benjamin Foster is still far from finding his final destination, because with every final destination fought for and reached, new tasks, new phases of life and new times come his way. New final destinations. Because where something may end with every lost or won task, something new always begins.

I am Benjamin - called Finn by special people, called Harry by a very loving, very special friend - and this is my story. The true life of Benjamin Foster.

PART 1

THE EARLY YEARS

Prologue - The end of the beginning

The wet rain splashed on his face. His clothes were dirty and soaked with water. There was a tear in his jeans from which blood was seeping. His jacket was open, despite the cold, and hung halfway off his body.

He was lying there in the middle of the street, motionless and unconscious. His head was in the middle of a large pool of blood that was already turning his hair red. The blood was slowly running down the curb into a nearby canal.

He didn't move. If you looked closely, however, you could see that his lips were trembling slightly.

Another man suddenly jumped out of a kiosk, which was not ten paces away from where the man was lying. He immediately grabbed one of his arms and tried to lift him.

"Hello?" he asked. "Can you hear me?" The man didn't respond.

“Hello,” said the other man again, who obviously worked in the kiosk.

Then he took the cell phone out of his pocket and dialed the emergency number.

"Yes," he finally said into the phone. "I'm in front of my kiosk near the train station. There's an unknown man, maybe in his mid to late 30s, lying injured on the sidewalk. He probably fell and has a pretty serious head injury. He doesn't respond when I speak to him."

“Where exactly are you?” asked the woman on the other end of the phone.

“At Buchenstraße 120 in Solingen,” answered the kiosk owner.

The woman then sent out an emergency call and finally turned back to the man.

“Okay,” she said. “Is the man already in the recovery position?”

The kiosk owner then put the cell phone down and turned the injured man sideways towards him. Then he picked up the phone again.

“Is he breathing?” the woman wanted to know.

"Yes," the kiosk owner stated. "He's unconscious, but he's breathing. He's bleeding quite heavily though, can you please hurry?"

“We’ll be there in two or three minutes at the latest,” said the woman.

The kiosk owner then ran into his shop and fetched a towel. He carefully tried to dab the man's bleeding forehead with it. He kept trying to speak to him, but the man showed no reaction.

A young woman who had observed the scene came by.

"Have you called an ambulance yet?" she asked. "What happened?"

“He must have fallen,” the kiosk owner explained. “An ambulance is on the way.”

“He smells of alcohol,” the woman said.

“Yes,” said the kiosk owner. “I seem to remember that he had bought two cans of beer from me a few hours earlier.”

“Do you know who he is?”

"He must live nearby. I know him by sight, he sometimes shops at my kiosk."

The woman then rummaged through the stranger's bag and found his wallet. But the wallet was completely empty, no papers, no ID and no money.

“I suspect he was knocked down,” the woman finally speculated.

"I don't think so," said the kiosk owner. "To me it looks more like he fell out of the bar. Maybe he couldn't pay there and they kept his papers as a deposit. He seemed to have been tipsy when he bought beer from me earlier. I think he fell."

The woman then tried to measure the stranger's pulse.

"There's a pulse," she said. "Very weak, but it's there."

A little later, the ambulance arrived with its blue lights flashing. As soon as it arrived, two paramedics got out.

"Hello," said one of them. "Can you hear me? Are you responsive?"

"He's not responding," explained the kiosk owner. "I've already tried."

While one of the paramedics treated and disinfected the wound, the emergency doctor finally arrived in a separate car. The paramedics prepared a stretcher. "We will take him to the

hospital,” said one.

The emergency doctor gave the stranger an infusion and at the same time the paramedics put him on the stretcher.

“Pulse?” said one of them.

"Weak, but yes," said the paramedic. "Very weak breathing. Does anyone know who he is or where he lives?"

"No, no idea. The kiosk owner who called us apparently only knows him by sight," said the paramedic.

When the stretcher with the injured man was in the car, the emergency doctor got back into his car and drove up.

“Okay, we will let you know when we know more,” one of the paramedics said goodbye to the kiosk owner and the ambulance drove away.

In the ambulance, the paramedics hooked the stranger up to monitoring devices that measured his heartbeat and pulse. The patient still appeared unresponsive and motionless.

One of the paramedics wrote something down on a pad: "July 12, 2016. Name: Unknown. Status: Severe head injury, comatose due to alcohol. Possible internal injuries," it read.

The journey to the hospital took only a few minutes. As soon as they arrived, the stretcher with the stranger was taken straight to the intensive care unit, to a room that looked like an operating room. Several doctors arrived immediately and prepared to treat the serious head injury. The machine to which the patient was connected showed that the heartbeat was becoming slightly weaker and slower.

Finally, the senior doctor who had been called earlier arrived.

“Name?” he asked.

"Unknown," one of the doctors answered. "Heartbeat is irregular, probably a shock caused by too much alcohol."

The anesthetist put the patient under anesthesia and almost at the same time the senior physician began to stitch the wound with several stitches.

"I suspect there are internal injuries," he said. "Can anyone tell me what happened?"

"The man appears to have collapsed on the street," one of the doctors explained. "The paramedics say a kiosk owner found him, but we don't know how long he had been lying there."

"The heartbeat is irregular," said the senior doctor. "We may have to put him into an artificial coma."

At the same time, a young woman, with medium-length dark hair and rather petite, perhaps eighteen or nineteen years old, entered the hospital and ran excitedly to the reception. Her body seemed to be shaking and a few tears were running down her cheeks.

“Is he here? Has he been admitted?” the woman asked.

“Calm down,” said the lady at the reception. “Who exactly are you looking for?”

"Benjamin Foster," said the young woman. "He wasn't home when I got there this evening. A man told me there was an injured man outside his house. He never leaves his cell phone at home, but it was there when I got there..."

“What is your name?” asked the hospital employee.

"Jennings," the woman said. "Crystal Jennings. Benjamin is my godfather."

"Good," said the woman. "Stay calm. I'll check." Then the employee glanced at her computer.

"We only have two admissions tonight. An elderly woman and a man whose name we don't know. Where does your godfather live?"

“On Buchenstrasse,” Crystal replied. “Not far from the train station.”

"So, the unknown person who was brought in earlier..." she began. "The emergency call was actually made by a kiosk owner on Buchenstraße."

"Oh, my God," Crystal whispered. "It has to be him. Where is he? Where is he?"

"You can't go in there now," said the employee. "As far as I know, the unknown man is in the middle of the operating room."

"I need to go to him," Crystal said excitedly. "Can I talk to someone?"

“Not now,” the employee replied almost rudely.

But Crystal was not going to let that stop her from trying. Without waiting for permission, she ran down the hall and headed toward the elevator.

She didn't know where to go, but instinctively she headed for the floor where the operating room was.

“Heart?” asked one of the doctors.

“Weak,” said another.

The wound was treated, but the stranger seemed to be in far worse condition than they thought.

“Is the blood test ready?” asked the senior doctor.

At the same time, an assistant doctor came in with a letter.

“Heavy alcohol consumption, probably over three per mille,” he said.

"God," said the senior doctor. "Almost no one survives that. We'll have to put him in a coma."

“Doctor, there is a young woman outside,” the assistant doctor began. “She thinks she knows the stranger.”

“She should wait,” said the senior doctor as he prepared an infusion.

Suddenly the machine's heartbeat became more and more irregular.

“Cardiac arrhythmia,” the doctor said. “Prepare the defibrillator.”

Two doctors quickly set about turning on the device.

“Can’t this be done faster?” asked the senior doctor.

And then suddenly a monotonous beeping sound came from the machine.

"We're losing him," said the senior doctor. "Cardiac arrest. Quick, get the defibrillator."

The two assistant doctors held the ends of the machine together and placed it on the patient's bare chest.

“Now,” said the senior doctor. An electric shock.

Nothing. The sound was still monotonous.

“Again!” You put the device on a second time.

Outside, a nurse came to Crystal and sat down next to her.

"What happened? Is it him?" she asked excitedly.

"Well," said the nurse, "we don't know who he is. And it doesn't look good. They're resuscitating him."

"No..." Crystal breathed. "He must not die."

“We don’t know for sure whether it’s someone you know.”

"My uncle," said Crystal. "I have no family left, just him."

“Are you related?” the nurse wanted to know.

"No," Crystal replied. "Not blood related. But he is my godfather." She pulled out the cell phone she had brought with her, which must have belonged to him, and showed the nurse a photo of her godfather. "That's him. Is that the man who was admitted?"

The nurse looked at the photo.

“Yes,” he finally said. “The picture is identical to the injured man.”

“I have to go to him,” stammered Crystal.

Then the senior doctor came out of the operating room and approached Crystal.

Chapter 1 - Girl, girl

Stupid. Everything is stupid.

But I kept my mouth shut. Like I always did. I just stood against this bare, bright wall, my hands in front of my face. I was silent because I didn't know any different. And because I didn't want to say anything.

The shouts of my classmates echoed louder. They came closer and I could hear their laughter.

Quiet. Eyes closed, hands covering my face. Hear nothing, say nothing, see nothing.

What was going through my head at that moment – I didn't know. I was scared, yes. But I didn't want to show it. Not so that I could feel stronger, but because I couldn't. Because I also simply hoped that no one would notice.

But they noticed.

“Benjamin, the girl!”

The shouts of his classmates – who were also the strongest and most popular boys in the class – didn’t stop.

When would the bell finally ring for the first class? When would I be allowed to sit in my seat in the last row at the only single table? No one saw me there. No one noticed me there.

They were coming closer. Time had to stand still. I wanted to catch a glimpse of the clock hanging above the board, but I couldn't turn around. I was paralyzed, just standing there, imperceptibly shaking and trembling with fear.

“Benjamin, you girl!”

“Gay, right?”

“Faggot!”

“Look at her, the poor little thing...”

The laughter grew louder. The classmates came closer. I knew they had seen it long ago. You could see it from behind, but even more so from the front.

Suddenly I felt a bold hand on my shoulder. Someone grabbed me. Someone turned me around.

My eyes were closed, my face was twisted and I couldn't see anything. But I heard this loud laughter. It reached my ears unfiltered and made me feel my fear, my despair and my shame even more.

The look in the face of this boy standing across from me made my blood run cold when I opened my eyes.

There were the other kids standing around him, staring at me. All about my age - 8, some of them maybe 9.

I wanted to run out. I wanted to run away. But I couldn't. They stood around me and stared at my white, flower-decorated girl's blouse that had been bought for me yesterday - supposedly because I really wanted it.

“Are you a boy or a girl?”

This sentence from the girl standing right next to me made me cry a few tears.

Shit. I definitely didn't want to cry. Now they had done it again. They've made me cry so many times before - but this, I think, was the worst moment so far.

Thank God – the bell rang before any of the other classmates could say anything. And then the teacher came in.

I ran to my seat in the last row, wiped away my tears with the back of my hand and sat down in silence.

The teacher looked at me questioningly. I ran my hands through my shoulder-length, dark hair and tried to cover my face with it.

“Benjamin Foster,” said the teacher. “Do you have anything else to wear? A T-shirt perhaps?”

Silence. Everyone stared at me.

I was shaking and couldn't say a word. How I could have sunk into the ground with shame.

I heard the teacher explaining to her classmates that it can happen that when getting dressed in the morning you accidentally take the wrong item of clothing out of the closet, which actually belongs to your sister, and that this is no reason to laugh at a classmate. I didn't understand exactly what she was saying, but I knew I wouldn't survive the next break.

Time didn't pass at all. The others kept looking at each other. The whispering and murmuring kept happening. It never stopped.

Finally the bell rang for recess. Everyone ran out into the schoolyard. In the end I was alone in the class, sitting there and not moving.

“You don’t have to be afraid,” I heard a voice say quietly to me.

I turned around. But no one was there.

“Don’t be afraid, Benjamin Foster,” I heard the bright voice.

Strange - I actually knew most of my classmates by their voices. In class I often closed my eyes and when someone spoke I secretly associated the voice in my mind.

But I've never heard that voice - probably that of a girl - before. Especially since it sounded very nice - because actually none of my classmates spoke so nicely to me.

I hesitantly turned around and looked in all corners, but there was no one there.

“Bejnamin,” I heard her say again. And shortly afterwards, a friendly laugh rang out.

"Where are you?" I whispered. "Who are you?"

The strange girl, still invisible to me, laughed again. But it wasn't a laugh, it was more like the laughter of a child at play.

Suddenly it became quiet again.

I heard footsteps. The classroom door opened. I wanted to hide, but the teacher saw me and came right next to my desk.

“Benjamin, how did it happen that you are wearing a girl’s blouse?”

I heard her, but I didn't answer. I looked at the ground, ashamed.

“You have to change, Benjamin. Do you really not have anything else with you?”

I shook my head in shame, my eyes still lowered to the ground.

“Then please go home,” the teacher asked me. “Get a decent T-shirt, put it on and come back afterwards.”

How was I supposed to do that? Mother was probably at home and would notice if I came in the door. What should I do? Run away? But where to?

I was shaking with fear. No one must notice, I thought quietly. No one must notice.

I started running.

I couldn't say it. The clothes I was supposed to wear were laid out for me every evening, and I always had to wear exactly what was laid out for me that evening. It had been like that for as long as I could remember. And mother had chosen them, had bought them for me. For some time now she had been saying that I would look much better as a girl. And yesterday she had made it happen and laid out one of the blouses for me to wear the next day.

I wanted to be a girl, she always said. My real name would be Erika. I was actually a girl.

I walked slowly into the street at the end of which our house was. Trembling, shaking with fear, my face red with shame, mute, deaf and blind.

Chapter 2 - The secret game

The light in this room was dim. The large flap that covered the basement window was only tilted, as you didn't have to open it all the way. You would have had to open the two large hooks in the wall to do that, and I didn't know how to do that. The light bulb didn't illuminate the room very well either; there was no real light or lamp here.

I called it the games room. My sister always called it the party room or hobby room - because she had already thrown parties there with her friends, to which she had never explicitly invited me.

Of course, I didn't throw any parties. I wasn't allowed to do that anyway when I was just 11 years old.

Carina was allowed to do it in any case. And she was two years younger than me, so only 9. Whatever. I never really wanted to go to their parties anyway. What they did there annoyed me somehow. Not that I really knew it, but Carina made several hints that they would play slow songs and dance very close together. If you were in the right mood, it would move on to some games like spin the bottle or something like that. And I didn't want to think about what they did. I found it disgusting, either way.

When I was alone here in the basement - like almost every afternoon when Carina had friends over and I had to leave the apartment so as not to annoy her - then this was MY basement. It was the play basement, because I had all my toys hidden behind the huge curtain on the shelf, my stuffed animals that I had been given as a very small child, a few small electronic consoles and so on - all the stuff that was modern and that everyone had.

Most of the toys actually belonged to my sister Carina. But when she was just 7 or 8 years old, she completely changed her interests and steadfastly claimed that she didn't own any childish toys. They were all mine, she made clear at some point.

Instead of complaining about what that was all about, I kept my mouth shut. At first I didn't want to use her toys, of course, but after a while I thought: "Nobody notices what I do down here anyway." So I started playing with her things. After a while I had almost forgotten that most of the toys belonged to her. As a boy I even accepted the dollhouse as my toy, and that became my favorite toy at some point. It was actually mine.

I pushed back the curtain and dug out the square, long, old-fashioned doll's house. In the box were the dolls, the size and style of which matched the furniture.

I placed one of the dolls on the dining table. I put the other two - a boy and a girl - in the bed in the next room. I meticulously covered them up after undressing them.

“Bedtime,” I heard myself call.

A short break. I took a breather.

“I don’t want to sleep,” I said in a disguised, very high-pitched voice.

“Me neither,” I added.

At that moment, I didn't notice the creaking of the gray steel door that connected the hallway to the basement. I must also have missed the subsequent quiet patter of feet on the carpet. The dim light suddenly dimmed slightly for a second as a shadow crept over me and the dollhouse - but I didn't notice this either.

I was totally engrossed in my game. I looked at the dolls for a while. The doll's father was still sitting at the dining table. I pretended that he ate something and then got up to put the small dishes away. I carefully put the mini plate and the mini cup in the cupboard provided.

Then I turned back to the two dolls in the bedroom.

"I'm not tired," I had the doll girl say. And then I let her hop away. I threw her into the corner, but I pretended that she had just run away.

I had the puppet boy pull the blanket up so that he was completely covered.

For a moment I looked into the box next to me, where other dollhouse supplies were kept. I took out an adult female doll - the doll mother of this family, but I used her very, very rarely in my play.

Without saying a word, I put the doll mother into the doll boy's bed. I paused for a moment.

“What are you doing?” I suddenly heard someone say.

I was frightened. I quickly took the dolls and threw them into the box next to me.

I slowly turned around to where the voice came from. I looked into her eyes, full of shame.

“What are you doing?” the girl I knew repeated. “Are you playing with your dollhouse?”

Claudia. She was my sister Carina's best friend and was about a year older than her.

She was also sometimes the one who tried to get me involved in playing with my sister, but this usually resulted in my sister becoming even more aggressive towards me. Claudia was okay, actually the one of my sister's friends who was the most okay. She wasn't as crazy as Carina and not as cool as her other friends. I kind of liked that, because being cool wasn't for me.

"It's fine," said Claudia, without waiting for an answer from me. "I won't tell anyone that you're playing with the dollhouse.

I looked away, ashamed.

“Honestly,” she confirmed.

Without daring to say a word, I took the dolls out of the box again. I put the doll father back at the dining table and the doll boy in the bed in the next room. I left the doll mother out. But I took the doll girl out again and put her downstairs in front of the house.

"She ran away earlier," I explained quietly. "But now she's back."

Claudia sat down next to me and took the girl doll in her hand.

“Who are they?” she wanted to know.

“Just some family,” I said.

“Are you sure?” said Claudia.

Claudia then padded into the boy’s room with the doll girl.

"We are siblings," she said playfully. "That's our father," she added, pointing to her father sitting at the dinner table.

"No," I exclaimed. "Let's be friends instead. You're my girlfriend, and you're staying with us for the night."

Claudia laughed. "Cool," she said. "So - you're the boy, I'm the girl... and who's the father?"

I looked at the doll's father. Then I took him and threw him into the box.

"It doesn't matter," I stammered. "We don't have any parents. We live here alone."

“Okay, okay,” said Claudia.

A puppet show developed that became more and more intense over the next few minutes and hours. Soon we were completely immersed in our roles. I wasn't used to playing with someone so intensely, since I didn't have any friends. Nobody ever wanted to play with me.

But the thing with Claudia was kind of fun. It made me forget my loneliness for a moment.

During our game, Claudia suddenly placed the girl doll on top of the boy doll and started moving them both back and forth.

“What are you doing?” I wanted to know.

Claudia – still deeply engrossed in the game – then said: “We’re having sex.”

I stared towards the door. It suddenly felt strange, as if I had been caught doing something.

“How do you know how to do that?” I asked her.

I had no idea if I knew. I had never seen anything like it in a film, for example. But Claudia grinned at me. She obviously seemed to know, even though she was only 10, almost a year younger than me.

Then she threw the dolls back into the box and suddenly switched to a completely different topic.

“Do you know Jan? The one from your class?” she wanted to know.

I nodded. "Why? What about him?"

"Carina is in love with him. She wants to get her hands on him, she said."

“Oh,” I said, rather disinterested.

"I'm in love with him too. But I don't think I can get him. I just don't stand a chance against Carina."

I shrugged my shoulders.

"She doesn't know that," Claudia said to me. "If she finds out, she probably won't want to be my friend anymore."

“Okay, I won’t say anything,” I promised Carina’s best friend. “She probably won’t believe me anyway.”

Claudia looked at me questioningly.

"I mean that I talked to you. She certainly doesn't believe that. And she certainly doesn't believe that I played with you."

“Good,” said Claudia.

"I wish I wasn't Carina's brother anyway. I wish I was someone else. Maybe someone with a completely different life.

“Yes,” Claudia agreed. “I often wish that too.”

I was shaking. I have no idea why, but a cold shiver ran down my spine at that moment.

“Is it true that you had to wear girls’ clothes at school?” she then asked me.

I covered my eyes.

"It was like that in third and fourth grade," I said quietly. "Now that I'm in high school, where I started this year, it's no longer like that."

"Why?" she asked. "Did you want to be a girl?"

I shook my head.

I slowly stood up and sat down on a wide sofa that was next to the basement window. Claudia finally came to me. She probably noticed that I seemed to be very thoughtful, but she didn't respond.

"I have an idea," she began. "Let's pretend we're someone else."

I looked at her questioningly.

“Who might you be?” she added.

Again I shrugged my shoulders.

"Okay," she continued the game. "You are Jan."

“And you? Who are you?” I wanted to know.

"I'm your girlfriend," she replied. "Well, Jan's girlfriend. You can choose whatever name you want me to be called."

I didn't have to think long. I didn't know why this particular name came to mind. But I knew it had to be this name and no other.

“Natalie,” I said quietly.

“Okay,” said Claudia. “You are Jan, I am Natalie, your girlfriend.”

Suddenly Claudia snuggled up to me. She put her arm around me and then asked me to do the same to her. She laid her head on my shoulder.

touches.

I never liked being touched. I had only allowed it once, and that was in second grade with a classmate who I was relatively close to at the time. We visited each other from time to time. Sometimes we were even allowed to go somewhere together on the bus. Her parents already had high expectations of her at the age of seven, and from time to time she took me to the neighboring town. I vaguely remembered that she was probably the one I not only allowed her to hug me, but even kiss me once. On the mouth.

But I hadn't thought about that anymore. Not until today.

“Jan,” Claudia whispered. “Tell me, do you love me?”

I tried hard to play the game, even though it was somehow difficult.

“Yes,” I answered her.

"I love you too," she said playfully. "I just didn't dare say it all this time."

We then pretended that the basement was our apartment. Claudia - that is, Natalie - had moved in with me, Jan. I made dinner, then we ate and talked a lot. Late in the evening we watched some TV - although our TV, like almost all other objects, was imaginary - and then we went to bed.

We were now lying on the sofa, wearing only our underwear. I didn't even notice that we had undressed, we were so engrossed in our game. After a while, I also started to like the secret game itself. Strange - with Claudia I didn't feel this aversion to touching, even when we were cuddling on the sofa under a real blanket.

“Jan, I love you and want to marry you,” she said in the game.

I looked at her. "Yes, Natalie," I said. "I want that with you too."

We played until we saw that it was getting dark outside. Then we got dressed again and Claudia ran home.

Our secret game, in which we immersed ourselves in the roles of Jan and Natalie, took on more and more shape over the next few days. Every afternoon I would sneak off to the basement - apparently no one in my family noticed - and Claudia would secretly come to me and then we would play our secret game. After a while it even became so intense that we no longer addressed each other by our real first names. As soon as she came through the door, she was Natalie and I was Jan.

It was just before the summer holidays when it happened. Our game had already lasted almost four months. And that afternoon - when we were playing the evening bedtime scene again, Claudia didn't just take off her clothes, down to her underwear, like she usually does, but completely.

"You too, Jan," she said. "It's time for us to have children. And today we're having one."

I didn't quite understand what she meant. And when she asked me to roll on top of her after I was completely undressed, I got a very strange feeling. Suddenly it scared me.

But Claudia just held me gently in her arms. After a while, my shaking stopped.

"I saw it at my parents' house," she said quietly. "When I asked my father about it, he showed me exactly how it worked."

I was frightened. I didn't want to let it show, but I was totally frightened. I didn't know why.

“Natalie?” I just asked.

"No," said Claudia. "Claudia saw it. And Claudia's father is doing it to her."

My lips trembled.

“Benjamin has to do that too, doesn’t he?” Claudia wanted to know. “Tell me, with whom?”

I didn't know if Claudia saw me crying. I tried to wipe the tears from my face. But Claudia saw it and she just held me. We just lay on top of each other and held each other.

Being Jan and Natalie was like being in another world. There was nothing bad there. We were allowed to do anything there because we belonged only to ourselves and our secret game. Things, people from real life - nothing mattered anymore when we were playing our game. Nothing could hurt anymore, everything felt good. Jan and Natalie - that was another life. And we immersed ourselves in this game as often as we could. It remained a secret. But it was a good secret that we shared. It was not an evil one, like the other secrets that had to surround her and me.

When I turned 12, Claudia emigrated to America with her parents. I have never seen her since then. I don't remember whether we said goodbye to each other.

I then began to push everything from real life away from me. All the things that gave me negative feelings. The thoughts of our secret game meant that I could dream myself away. Somehow they took away all the bad thoughts and drove away the monsters. I couldn't explain it at the time, but I knew it was true.

To close my eyes and dream away. To escape into my own world and have a different life there, to be someone other than who I really was. I could do that now. And I think that saved my life back then.

Chapter 3 - Dream or reality

The boy stood on the edge of a huge mountain. In the distance he heard a thunderstorm approaching. The horizon was covered with clouds and lightning flashed from them.

He wasn't afraid. He was usually afraid of thunder because it was so loud. But Benjamin just stood there and watched the storm slowly approach. He had no idea why it didn't scare him.

Lightning flashed from the clouds again. This time it was much closer, as the thunder echoed through the area barely four seconds later.

Benjamin stood there and exhaled. When he looked down, he saw that he was wearing nothing but pajama pants. He ran his hand through his brown curls and shook his head.

And a breeze played around Benjamin's skin.

“Benjamin,” said a gentle voice suddenly.

Benjamin turned around.

But there was no one there.

Another flash of lightning, followed by thunder. Now the storm was directly above him.

But Benjamin was still not afraid. No matter how strong the lightning was. No matter how loud the thunder was.

Suddenly the earth shook. Benjamin noticed that the mountain he was standing on was beginning to shake. Some stones crumbled down the precipice in front of which Benjamin was standing.

Benjamin looked over.

But he was still not afraid.

“Fly, Benjamin, fly,” said the same voice he had just heard.

Benjamin turned around again... and then he suddenly saw the face of a girl. She had long brown hair, wore a white nightgown and had big brown eyes with which she looked at Benjamin with a smile.

“Fly, Benjamin, fly,” she breathed again.

And then suddenly there was a huge crash and lightning struck the mountain, which then shattered into a thousand pieces, and before Benjamin knew it, he and the girl were floating in the air, and below them stretched the outskirts of Frankfurt, the city where Benjamin lived.

“What’s happening here?” asked Benjamin. “Am I dreaming?”

“Who knows?” said the girl.

And then she took Benjamin by the hand and they both flew over the city like Superman.

“Why can we fly?” Benjamin wanted to know.

“We can do anything you want,” the girl said calmly.

“Where are we flying?” asked Benjamin.

“Where do you want to go?” the girl asked back.

Benjamin looked over the roofs of the houses.

“My school is over there,” he suddenly said.

"Okay," said the girl. "Let's take a look at her."

Benjamin and the girl ended up in a large courtyard with an old oak tree in the middle and several benches around it. The building was barely visible in the darkness. It was shaped like a U and stretched around the courtyard and was open to the side where the parking spaces were.

“Who are you?” Benjamin then asked the girl.

The girl smiled at him, but she didn't want to answer his question. "There's no one here," she said instead. "Shall we go in? I'd like to see your classroom."

Benjamin then ran with the girl to the entrance that led to the rear section of the building. When he tried to open the door, which he thought was locked, it actually opened.

"It's so dark here," said Benjamin. "I can't see anything."

"No problem," said the girl. "I can make it morning."

Suddenly… the sun rose in a matter of seconds. The storm, which had long since disappeared, was no longer felt, and daylight shone into the large interior space that led to the other corridors where the classrooms were.

“How did you do that?” Benjamin wanted to know. “It was still night…”

The girl smiled.

“You must be a fairy or something,” Benjamin stated.

“Maybe your fairy,” the girl breathed.

And suddenly the school bell rang. It was recess.

And then, in the next second... dozens of children – certainly hundreds – scurried out of the classrooms and into the large hallway.

Benjamin was shaking because he was only wearing pajama pants. What if the others saw him like that?

"Don't be afraid," said the girl as she took Benjamin's hand. "They can't see us. Will you show me your class now?"

“It’s 6a,” said Benjamin.

Then he led the girl into the lower hallway. There were three doors. The one at the back was Benjamin's classroom.

He and the girl went inside.

There were twelve tables in the room, all of which were facing the desk and the blackboard. School bags were underneath the tables. And pencil cases and exercise books were lying on the tables.

“Where are you sitting?” said the girl.

Benjamin ran to his seat in the second to last row.

“Is someone sitting next to you?” the girl then asked.

And Benjamin shook his head.

And finally, the girl spotted something written on the board. She read: "Benjamin Foster is a sister. Nobody misses you, so piss off."

“Benjamin, what does this mean?” the girl wanted to know.

And suddenly the bell rang again… and the next minute the children came back into the classroom.

“Come,” said the girl.

And just as they were about to go to the door... Benjamin saw himself. He and the girl seemed to be just observers, and the real Benjamin walked slowly to his place with his head bowed and sat down.

"Girl," a boy said to him. "Alice in Wonderland," said another boy, who then punched Benjamin in the face.

Benjamin didn't resist. He sat still and looked down.

"I'm an outsider," Benjamin whispered in his pajama pants to the girl he was with. "They're bullying me."

"I thought so," the girl said sympathetically. "Come on, let's go outside."

In the morning sun it was relatively warm, almost too warm for the end of June.

"Tomorrow is my birthday," said Benjamin sadly. "None of them will come."

"Are you sure?"

Benjamin sighed. "Maybe Alexander will come," he said. "Next to me, he's the second least popular in the class. But he didn't know yet whether he could come."

“Who else is coming?” asked the girl.

"My sister invited a few of her friends," Benjamin replied. "But I don't really feel like celebrating."

"Come," said the girl. "Let's see your home."

Then she took Benjamin's hand again and they flew high into the air. They flew over the roofs of the city center, flew over the hills of Seckbach, until they arrived at Benjamin's housing estate in Bergen-Enkheim. There, on the slopes, there was a strangely shaped, yellow terraced house.

“I live on the top floor,” said Benjamin.

They landed on Benjamin's balcony. The door to the interior of Benjamin's room was open, and he and the girl went inside.

In Benjamin's room there was a single bed, a desk, and a bedside table with a small stereo on it. On the wall were two shelves with books and Disney comic books, which Benjamin loved to read.

"I have to go now," the girl finally said after looking around the room. "But I'd love to come back."

The stranger then placed a small book on the desk before heading to the balcony.

"Wait," said Benjamin. "I don't know what to call you. What's your name?"

The strange girl smiled and then flew away.

And in the next second, Benjamin's vision went black. When he opened his eyes again, he realized that he was lying in his bed.

He was breathing heavily.

He looked at the clock on his nightstand. It showed June 24th, half past six in the morning.

Benjamin trembled.

“Today is my birthday…” he whispered quietly to himself.

He slowly stood up and went to his desk… and there lay the small, black book that the strange girl had just put there.

Benjamin opened it…

And he read what was written inside: “Happy birthday from your friend Natalie.”

“Natalie,” Benjamin whispered softly. “Then it wasn’t a dream…”

Chapter 4 - Benjamin's birthday

Benjamin closed the book and put it in his bag, which was already packed for school. Then he slowly walked up the stairs to the dining room. When he opened the door, his mother and father Alfred were already sitting at the dining table. Carina, his sister, was still in the bathroom and, like every morning, blocked it until five minutes before leaving for school, so Benjamin only had a few minutes to wash, brush his hair and brush his teeth.

“Congratulations, Benjamin Foster,” said Alfred.

"Oh, it's my little one's birthday," said his mother and stormed towards Benjamin. Then she started kissing him all over his face and showering him with kisses. Disgusted, Benjamin turned away.

“No!” he exclaimed.

"You are 13 years old now," said Mother. "But you will never grow up. You must promise me that you will always be my little boy and that you will stay here forever. You know, your sister is 11 and she will probably move out in a few years. But you will stay here with Mama forever, my little one."

Benjamin snorted.

He was no longer surprised that his father did nothing about his mother's attacks. Maybe he had already given up on her. Benjamin knew that his mother was very strange since she always took those pills. He also knew that she always hit him when he didn't comply or stood up against his apparently overprotective nature. And he knew that his mother blamed him for her being the way she was.

Carina.

It was always Benjamin who was to blame when Carina cried or annoyed him or bullied him in some other way. Carina always twisted things around so that Benjamin ended up being the one to blame. And his mother then felt overwhelmed and took pills and ultimately blamed Benjamin for it.

In his family – neither his father, nor his sister, nor his mother, who was already overwhelmed and wanted to bind him to her without limits, so much so that it hurt Benjamin – he had no one to talk to. He couldn't tell anyone if something didn't suit him or he had problems. And that had been the case since his family moved to Germany seven years ago and his father bought the house they now lived in. Since they had been here, his father had not only been the landlord of all the other apartments in this terraced house on the hill in Bergen-Enkheim, he was also a respected businessman who was in the office from seven in the morning until late in the evening. And Benjamin sometimes asked himself whether he even noticed what was going on in the family every day. Benjamin sometimes even believed that it was really his fault – his fault that his mother had to take pills, his fault that his sister bullied and harassed him to the point of bloodshed.

But he didn't care today. Because he had a secret. And that secret was in his little black book.

When Carina came out, she made no attempt to congratulate Benjamin. She sat down at the table without saying a word and ate the jam sandwich that her father had made for her.

“I told you, no butter,” Carina then said.

Benjamin then ran into the bathroom and quickly got ready. When he came out again - after about five or ten minutes - his father and Carina were already ready to leave.

“Why are you dawdling so long?” he said to Benjamin.

Benjamin packed his school bag without saying a word.

"Mom is preparing a sweet children's birthday party," said mother. "Carina has invited a few friends. You don't have any. You don't need any. It will be a nice birthday, you'll see."

"Ha!" Carina teased. "Mummy's favorite." She nudged Benjamin in the side. "When I turn 12, I'm going to throw a big party with boys and no parents at my friend's house, who will have the house to herself that day."

“You’re already grown up,” said mother to Carina. “But Benjamin is a little boy.”

"Hello?" Benjamin wanted to say. "I'm two years older than Carina. She's 11, I'm 13, doesn't anyone see that?"

But he said nothing.

In the car, Benjamin took the little secret book out of his pocket. And then he took out a pen. And then he wrote something.

I don't know what happened last night, but something very special happened. And today is a very special day. Because it's the first day that I have a girlfriend. I've never had a girlfriend before. But today I have one.

Her name is Natalie. I met her for the first time last night. And at first I thought it was a dream, but it was true. I found this book - she gave it to me - on my desk. If it hadn't been true, the book wouldn't be there. But it was there.

Natalie, wherever you are, I hope you come back soon.

Benjamin then closed the book and put it back in his school bag.

First Alfred dropped Carina off at her public school, then he drove Benjamin to his. The private school for the crazy, as Carina and her friends always called it.

The school that Benjamin went to was by no means a special school, but there was a building next to the school that taught according to the Montessori system, which was designed for children with learning difficulties and disabilities. But the school that Benjamin went to was a completely normal private school. However, it had the reputation of being one of those schools because of the special school attached to it.

Benjamin got out of the car and strolled across the yard to the entrance of the building his class was in. When he arrived in front of the class, two boys were already whispering to him.

“Hey, here comes Alice in Wonderland,” said one boy.

“Well, where’s your dress, faggot?” asked the other.

They pushed Benjamin around a bit until the biology teacher, Dr. Fabian, arrived.

“That’s enough!” shouted Dr. Fabian. “We’re going to the film room. For a special reason, I want to show you a film today.”

"Strong," said a girl who was also in the class and was sitting on the windowsill. "Film. No class."

The class then went into the film room together and Dr. Fabian stood at the front.

“Which of you already smokes or has ever smoked?” he asked.

Of course, no one pointed it out. Everyone knew that Tom, the class insider and the most popular boy, was already smoking. But no one told on him.

“I think I saw Benjamin in the yard with a cigarette the other day,” Dr. Fabian stated.

Suddenly there was a huge laugh. Everyone laughed at Benjamin.

"Mr. Fabian," Tom said laconically. "You must be mistaken. Benjamin would never smoke, he's not that brave. He's far too weak to be that cool."

The class continued to laugh.

Of course Fabian was wrong. Benjamin had never smoked and in fact he would never have dared to do so.

"Well, anyway, this is exactly why I want to show you the following film. Many people think that smoking is cool. But in reality, it is peer pressure that makes young people smoke. And we can now see how dangerous smoking is."

The teacher then turned on the film and the class learned all about the health risks of smoking and about peer pressure.

But even after the film, they didn't seem to care. Smoking was cool, and anyone who was in, smoked. Like Tom.

Benjamin hated Tom.

When school ended at noon, Benjamin was picked up by his father. Alexander, the boy who was supposed to come to Benjamin's party as the only one from his class, actually went with him.

At home, her mother had already set the large table in the living room. Carina and three of her friends were already eating cake.

“You could have at least waited until I got here,” Benjamin complained.

"They were hungry," mother explained. "Here, look what I'm giving my little one for his birthday."

Benjamin opened a package – and inside was a real digital watch, like the ones people wore in the eighties.

“Wow,” said Benjamin. “Thank you.”

He had wanted this watch for a long time. A real digital watch, not modern at all, just like Benjamin's old-fashioned taste.

Benjamin was given CDs of his favorite band ABBA - also a group from the late 70s and early 80s. The fact that Benjamin was into such old-fashioned stuff was one of the reasons why he was teased at school and by his sister.

“Abba!” said Carina. “Faggot music. I listen to Bushido and Sido,” she said.

After Benjamin and the others had eaten cake and drunk cocoa, their father suggested that they go for a little walk. So they set off along a path that led into a nearby forest.

“Benjamin,” said Kerstin, one of Carina’s friends, “Have you ever kissed?”

"She means a girl," said Carina. Then she turned to her friend. "Benjamin is far too immature. He has never kissed. He will never get a girlfriend."

“But you did,” Kerstin said to Carina.

Carina nodded. “I already have more than that. And I’m only eleven years old.”

“Wow, you’re really cool,” Kerstin said to Carina.

"Much cooler than Benjamin. He's not cool at all," said Carina so Benjamin could hear. "Baby, baby, baby," she then sang. "Benjamin is a baby."

Then her three friends sang along. “Baby, baby, baby. Benjamin is a baby.”

Suddenly Benjamin turned around. He stormed towards his sister and hit her in the face.

“Benjamin, stop!” said Alfred and intervened.

“She called me baby,” Benjamin cried.

“Nobody called you baby,” his father warned him. “Carina is more mature than you.”

Benjamin was angry. He was so angry that he took his brand new watch off his arm and smashed it on the stone floor. It shattered into a thousand pieces.

"Benjamin, what are you doing?" his mother shouted at him. She immediately grabbed his arm and shook him violently. "Do you always have to drive me mad? It's your fault. What are you doing to me?"

Then she hit him in the ribs and ran away. "Because of you I have to take pills," she called after him. "You broke the clock. You're ruining the family. You're always picking on your sister. It's your fault."

Mother then ran back the way she came and went into the house, where she went straight to the bathroom and took her drugs.

Alfred grabbed Benjamin by the arm and didn't let go until they got home.

“Go to your room and think about what you have done,” Alfred then said, and Benjamin went to his room at the same time.

After a short while Alexander came in.

“I’m sorry about your argument,” he said.

Benjamin just nodded.

"Your father said he was taking me home now. So, I'll see you tomorrow at school," Alexander said.

Then he left the room.

Benjamin sat down on his bed and cried quietly. He wasn't crying about the clock. Well, it was a shame that he had to break it. But he wasn't crying about the clock. He was crying because his birthday was so messed up. And because his sister had once again made it seem like he was to blame for everything. Blame for the day turning out the way it did.

Benjamin sat there and cried.

Suddenly someone stroked his head.

Benjamin looked at…

“Natalie,” he breathed.

Natalie hugged him.

“I was hoping you would come back,” Benjamin whispered.

“I told you so,” Natalie said.

“You don’t know what happened today,” Benjamin whispered softly.

"Yes, I know," said Natalie. "Why do they treat you like that? It's not your fault how your sister treats you. And your mother blames you for her pill addiction."

“Is it my fault, Natalie?” asked Benjamin.

Natalie shook her head.

"One day we'll leave," she said quietly. "And then I'll take you with me."

“Can we fly somewhere like last time?” asked Benjamin.

“Not today,” Natalie said. “Come on, we’re celebrating your 13th birthday.”

She then took out a candle and put it in an empty candlestick on Benjamin's desk. Then Natalie lit the candle.

"Tell me more about yourself," she then asked Benjamin. "Now that we are friends, I want to know everything about you."

Benjamin snuggled up with Natalie on the bed.

"Well," he said, "I was born in America. Years ago we emigrated to Germany."

"Not that," Natalie interrupted. "I want to hear about your feelings."

Benjamin looked sad. "Sometimes I ask myself if it's really all my fault," he began. "The way everyone treats me. The way they treat me at school. The way my family treats me. I don't have anyone I can talk to. Sometimes I think I really am a retard. An idiot. A nutcase or dreamer who is weak, a wimp and doesn't dare to do anything."

"Oh, Benjamin," said Natalie. "You're much more confident than you might think right now." She kissed him on the cheek. "Just think about the mountain that exploded. And the storm. You weren't afraid."

"But I'm not, Natalie," Benjamin contradicted. "It was probably just a dream. But in real life I'm scared. In real life I have to cover my ears during thunderstorms. In real life I'm a wimp."

“You bet not?” Natalie smiled.

Benjamin looked at her questioningly.

"Come on, kiss me," she said softly. "On the mouth."

“A real kiss?” Benjamin asked.

“Do you dare?” Natalie asked him.

And then Benjamin gave Natalie a kiss on the mouth.

“See? I told you,” Natalie said, smiling.

“It was so… so…” Benjamin whispered… but when he turned around, Natalie was no longer there.

And Benjamin breathed deeply.