Burn out E-Book

Björn Nonhoff

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Fantasy und Science-Fiction
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 161

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

Burn out is a heart warming and life changing novel. About a teddy bear who had become sad because he had been abandoned. He was overwhelmed with his life and about to give up on himself. With the help of his friends and the adventures he experienced in his dreams, he found his way back to himself and his strength. Who dances with stars, loves his shadow, makes people laugh, the world remains a world full of wonders. Dedicated to all the dreamers and the awakened, those who dare to dream, and who live their dream.

Leseprobe

Who dances with stars,

loves his shadow,

makes people laugh,

the world remains

a world full of wonders.

Dedicated to all the dreamers and the awakened, those who dare to dream, and who live their dream.

About a teddy bear who had become sad because he had been abandoned. He was overwhelmed with his life and about to give up on himself. With the help of his friends and the adventures he experienced in his dreams, he found his way back to himself and his strength.

For Agneta and Ludger

Contents

The white wall

Taste of the good old days

Why don't you ask your father

Abandonment and oblivion

Last excursion

The letter

A good friend

Owl medicine

Flying wishes

The free fall

A blue moment

Curious noses

Under pressure

The glass

Web of wisdom

Patience and time

Creative exhaustion

Beautiful tears

Wide View

From branch to branch

The smell of fear

Vulnerable

The glass continues to fall

Spirit- Games

Black and white

The art of doing nothing

Bouncing ideas

A wardrobe for the fear

Missing errors

Old clouds

The great pain

Praying doves

The madness

The great darkness

The divine pause

Polar bear party

The sleigh ride

The lost paradise

Laughing friends

The red sofa

In the land of shards

Temple of Joy

Not all cups in the cupboard

Laughing for no reason

Sermon at the rubbish tip

Just be

Shadowland

A night at the opera

Arrived

The humming

Dedication

Appreciation

Bears

The author

Further works by Björn Nonhoff

The white wall

The wall was white. A large white wall in a kitchen. The fridge was humming quietly, otherwise it was quiet in the kitchen. As always at night. Only the light of a small lamp illuminated the room. A jam jar flew towards the wall in slow motion and shattered. The red jam scattered in a star shape on the wall, the shards flew through the air and scattered across the kitchen floor.

Then came the sound - a loud, deep, drawn-out, rattling sound. Then it was quiet again. He screamed. Yes, not only that. He stomped wildly and raged. Breaking things. Breaking lots of things, being loud, shouting as loud as he could. He stormed through the kitchen and tore open the cupboards, throwing the plates and cups inside across the kitchen or onto the floor. Everything flew wildly around the room. It crashed, broke and was loud, very loud. And it was good to be loud. The louder it rattled outside, the louder it got inside. You could see the trickling red stain on the wall again. Suddenly a packet of flour flew through the air and burst on the wall. White dust filled the room and some of it stuck to the wall and the jam. The red jam was now covered in white flour.

It was not the first time he had dreamt this dream. Each time he woke up joyfully. He liked it: the chaos, the screaming, the broken pieces. Finally giving free rein to all his feelings. Otherwise, he couldn't do it. Because he knew he shouldn't. A teddy bear doesn't scream. A teddy bear doesn't break anything. A teddy bear cuddles. A teddy bear is soft and sweet. He wasn't allowed to destroy anything, but he wanted to. What do you mean he wanted to? He did it. He finally dared to do it. Even if it was only in his dreams. At first.

He was fed up with being loved and being quiet. He was angry. And he wanted to be allowed to be angry. He no longer wanted to stay quiet. The anger was huge. Like a huge balloon that was about to burst. Everything in him fought against the love, the kindness, the softness. At some point it was enough. And now, now it was more than enough.

How many nights had he made sure that someone else fell asleep peacefully? How many nights did he lie awake because he couldn't sleep well himself? And there was no one he could tell what was going through his head, what was on his mind or rumbling in his stomach.

This story began when there were no more jam jars, cups, plates or flour packets. Everything was stuck to the wall or lying in shards on the floor. This story began when some would say it was too late. But in reality, it wasn't too late. It was very rarely too late. In reality, it was always now. And now was the right time. This moment.

Every story begins now, takes place now and ends now. This story is being read now, even though it may have taken place years ago or will happen in a few months or in the distant future. Jam, flour and time. The ingredients of a good story.

Taste of the good old days

The good old days, that's what Fred and his friends called their favourite sweets, which were in the shape of a moon. It tasted very sweet. The good old days started to stick to the mouth and it was pure joy to fill the whole mouth with them and chew on them.

That was the time when Teddy was taken to kindergarten. He was given his own place there and was invited by many children to play lots of games. They laughed with him and made up stories.

If he was forgotten at kindergarten because he was so happy, he was picked up again in the afternoon - by Fred or his parents. Fred took him out to the playground in the afternoon. They swung and slid with him. Sometimes he was thrown back and forth. He was usually allowed to go to bed in the evening. And if Fred took another of his cuddly toys with him, Teddy was given a special place with the other animals. He was rarely alone. He knew all the other animals and there was lots to laugh and talk about. He slept peacefully and securely and never worried. The world was a huge adventure playground and there was so much to experience and discover. Teddy didn't realise at the time that all times had a beginning and an end. But such was the world of time, and at some point the sweets ceased to exist. The little shop that sold them closed. The kindergarten also ceased to exist, at least not for Teddy. The kindergarten still existed, but Fred now went to school. In the first year, there were still a few days when Teddy was taken along between books, pencil cases and exercise books in his school bag. He then sat on the table or on a chair. But there were far fewer games. Instead, there were paintings and lectures. As he sat on the table, Teddy thought: "It smells funny in here." And it did smell strange. Only later did Teddy find out that it was the smell of fear - the fear of doing something wrong, the fear of not being enough, the fear of not belonging, the fear of being laughed at and the fear of being exposed.

There was no one in the class who liked being exposed in front of the others. However, it happened to Fred and other children a few times. It seemed to depend a lot on the days and the teachers. Teddy wondered where they had their cuddly toys. They only took books or computers with them, but no cuddly toys. Only once did a rather strange lady come with a giraffe and a wolf and put on little theatre shows. The children laughed and Teddy was delighted. But Teddy hadn't seen this lady, the giraffe and the wolf since then. He smelled this strange odour. It got stronger over time. Sometimes Fred's parents smelled it too, when they came home late from work or walked through the front door very quickly.

Teddy was rarely taken to the breaks. He still remembered the one time when Fred wanted to play with him and a friend. Axel, the bully, came by and snatched Teddy out of Fred's hands and laughed at him loudly: "Look at the dwarf here. He still has a teddy bear."

Axel pointed at Fred and other children laughed. "What a toddler; such a girl." Fred wanted to get Teddy back when Axel threw him through the air to Rudi. They both laughed derisively: "Why don't you get your teddy, you mummy's boy?" and threw Teddy back and forth. At some point, Teddy landed roughly in the dirt and Fred was able to fetch him. He ran off with Teddy and removed the pebbles from his fur. Fred hugged Teddy and was very upset. He said: "You're the best and most loyal friend I can imagine."

But Teddy was rarely taken along during the breaks and remained sitting alone on the school desk. Then came the time when Teddy was no longer taken along at all. Neither to school, nor to the playground in the afternoon or even to bed. Fred now lay in bed with books and Teddy went to a place on the shelf where he was on his own.

No friends, no conversations, no games - just silence, really.

Why don't you ask your father

Teddy would have remained lonely and abandoned on the shelf for a long time. But then a new era began - the era of sleepless nights, heralded by a crash. It came from the kitchen; it was a glass that was thrown to the floor and broke.

Teddy woke up and heard Fred crying and saying: "Please stop arguing."

"Go to your room. It's none of your business," was the reply.

"But I'm scared!" Fred replied.

"You should go to your room. That's between mum and dad and none of your business."

Teddy heard Fred open his bedroom door and close it again. Fred took him off the shelf and lay down in bed with him. He covered his ears and hugged Teddy tightly to his chest - so tightly that it almost hurt Teddy.

The parents' arguments could still be heard, accompanied by snatches of words such as: "You betrayed me and no one has ever hurt me like that before."

"Why don't you go to your new girlfriend and sort it out with her? She's supposed to be better at everything."

"Maybe you should have thought about that earlier."

"It's always been like this."

Fred was crying. Teddy wanted to hug him, but he was only made of cloth. Nevertheless, he could feel Fred's heart - it was beating fast and full of fear. He heard Fred sobbing and pleading: "Please stop it."

But the screams and snatches of words didn't stop. Fred hugged Teddy even tighter, and although Teddy couldn't do anything, he wanted to call out to him: "Don't worry. It's going to be all right." He wanted to say "Go to sleep" and hum a soft lullaby. But Teddy couldn't speak, couldn't sing, couldn't comfort him.

The boy, who was once able to sleep peacefully and quietly, found it increasingly difficult to rest after these times of screaming, slamming doors and crying in bed.

Teddy noticed everything. Sometimes the boy tried to cuddle with his cat, but cats don't like being squeezed and held under the duvet. Teddy, on the other hand, didn't mind. He just became sad and helpless . The cat struggled, looking for a way out of the bed, out of the room. But Teddy stayed.

And then there was this emptiness. First came the anger, then the sadness - or was it first the sadness and then the fear? It spread to Fred, to Teddy and finally to the whole room. The otherwise peaceful room was now filled with sadness and fear.

It smelled strange - unlike the fear at school. Now the smell of conflict and helplessness was in the air. A strange silence spread; a silence that was not peaceful, but like that between two broken pieces that recognised that they once belonged together, but were now scattered and no longer knew how to find each other again. It was as if the shards were singing their pain and longing into the silence. But shards can't sing - but Teddy could hear these unheard songs of the shards .

Abandonment and oblivion

The time that was once filled with the laughter of a child and the glow of innocent happiness passed, and with it, everything around Teddy changed once again. He found himself hiding in a dusty corner of the shelf, a silent witness to Fred's emerging youth. Once his playmate, now a young man searching for other forms of affection .

New scents permeated the room - sharp, sweet aromas of perfumes worn by Fred and his new girlfriend Tina. They were the scent marks of growing up and desire. When they met, Fred would put on a trail of the scent, as if he wanted to impregnate the air himself with his feelings .

The sounds of life had also changed. At first they were indeterminable for Teddy, a concert of silences and whispers, until one day he understood. They were kisses, different every time: short and shy, long and passionate, sometimes wild, sometimes tender. Each kiss left a unique echo in the room. Teddy, hidden in the shadows, listened and wondered what such kisses and touches felt like .

But then came the day when Fred, surrounded by an aura of dejection, took Teddy out of his hiding place. "She left me," he whispered, and Teddy felt the heaviness in Fred's embrace, the density of his sadness.

For a fleeting moment, Teddy thought he could feel his own grief - a shadow of a feeling that no one else recognised, no comfort, no saving embrace for him. Then Fred hugged him a second time: "You'll be my new companion now. You're going to be my passenger." With this sentence, Fred put Teddy in the passenger seat of his car.

The time of travelling and stories began. Sitting in the passenger seat, they travelled countless roads and saw many landscapes pass by. Fred talked a lot, shared his thoughts and dreams with Teddy, and while he talked about his big travel plans, Teddy felt how not only the landscapes behind the windows changed, but also the atmosphere in the car.

It was also the time of music. Fred had lots of cassettes in the car and whenever they were travelling, Fred would put a cassette in. He sang along loudly to some of the songs. Born to be wild. There was a whiff of adventure, the scent of freedom and the premonition of impending change in the air.

One line in particular resonated with him: Sometimes I wish I'd never been born.

Last excursion

Teddy was sitting in the front passenger seat. The seatbelt only just fitted over his stomach. It was raining outside. Today was a little different than usual. Fred seemed sad and silent. He didn't say anything. There was no music. Teddy tried to remember their last long journey. Was it the camping holiday in Italy or the canoe trip in Sweden? Both were a long time ago. It smelled different than usual. What was that smell?

Now he was sitting here, just before midnight, watching the rain on the windscreen. The drops flowed slowly downwards while the lights of the night road and the other cars were reflected in them. He wondered where the journey was taking him. He felt queasy. A strange rumbling in his stomach. Unpleasant.

Teddy watched the raindrops: "Oh, if only I were one of those drops, then the lights would be reflected in me. That must feel really good. Better than this feeling in my stomach. Raindrops certainly don't have any feelings and if they do, they certainly don't have such unpleasant ones. They just fall from the sky ."

Teddy's thoughts drifted back to his time on the shelf, when he was still sitting next to other cuddly toys and a few board games. From there, he had an overview of the room and could see Fred's bed. He remembered how, when he was young, he was taken to bed with him almost every night. Later, less often, and finally not at all.

The car stopped and the engine fell silent. Teddy was startled out of his thoughts. The rain continued to drum steadily on the roof of the car. For a short time, he forgot the queasy feeling in his stomach. Through the windscreen he had a blurry view of a car park, grey, deserted benches and puddles reflecting lantern lights.

The passenger door opened and the teddy bear was taken onto Fred's shoulder. Then Fred sat Teddy down on one of the benches and gave him a hug. It felt like a long hug to Teddy, which was more intense than usual. Teddy didn't realise yet that it would be the last hug for Teddy for a long time. Teddy's stomach sensed the changes to come. He felt sick.

The bench on which Teddy was sitting was protected from the rain by a small wooden roof. A letter was placed on his short cloth legs. Then he heard the door of the car close and it drove off through the rain into the night. Now Teddy realised what smell he had noticed earlier. It was the smell of goodbye.

It was the beginning of a long, cold, rainy and, above all, lonely night. The bear was not used to being outside alone. Just as little as he was used to this discomfort in his stomach. There were many questions in his head, more than raindrops. But no one answered. Only the sound of passing cars, the rain falling on their roofs. In between, the silence of the night. Teddy was tired. He would like to sleep. He was cold and shivering. He did not sleep. He kept asking himself one question or another. Again and again without an answer.

After countless drops and questions, he eventually fell asleep. He didn't notice how it stopped raining. Nor did he notice how the sun rose. He snored and mumbled to himself. So he also didn't notice when a car stopped in the car park shortly after sunrise, a tall man took him and the letter and put them in the car.

The letter

Dear bear friend,

You may be wondering about the following story and this letter. But let me assure you, there are no coincidences in life. Perhaps you still live in a world in which teddy bears have no experience. I also lived in such a world for a long time.