Ester Ashton
Don't forget me
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Cover
Title
Disclaimer
Dedicated...
Quotes
1. Cassie
2. Logan
3. Cassie
4. Logan
5. Cassie
6. Logan
7. Cassie
8. Logan
9. Cassie
10. Logan
11. Cassie
12. Logan
13. Cassie
14. Logan
15. Cassie
16. Logan
17. Cassie
18. Logan
19. Cassie
20. Logan
21. Cassie
22. Logan
23. Cassie
24. Logan
25. Cassie
26. Logan
27. Cassie
28. Logan
29. Cassie
30. Logan
31. Adam
32. Cassie
33. Cassie
34. Logan
35. Cassie
Epilogue Logan
Extra
Prologue
Acknowledgments
Cover
Title
Disclaimer
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Dedicated...
Quotes
1
Cassie
That
morning some rays of sunshine hit the chair where I was sitting
on.
It was a beautiful day, it seemed so when I left home, but by
then
nothing cheered me up. I didn't think that the session with the
psychologist I used to see to help me overcome my insecurities
and
the premature loss of Sam would change something. The
pain I confined in a remote part of my mind and my heart
emerged
stronger than ever. I felt stifled and in that moment, I
realized
that I’d lived in a limbo where nothing happened for
months.Mere
illusion.I
was aware that those sessions were to open up new horizons:
they made
me feel more self-confident, so much so that I no longer had
problems
related to self-doubt. In the end I accepted the small defects
of my
body and I started loving and enhancing my voluptuous
shape.I
no longer thought that wearing size 48 was a tragedy. I
had to thank my psychologist who patiently managed to make me
understand that I had to love and accept myself before I could
overcome Sam's loss.The
road was long, but I was working on it.But
no matter how much progress I managed to make, that was another
story
with him.
My
choice to send him away pushed me more and more to hell and the
love
I felt was taken away from me in a wink. That decision cost me
dear,
but how could I believe that he really loved me after all the
things
he did to me? I struggled every day to make him understand, but
in
the end, he proved to be a bastard, a man unable to express his
feelings and accept them.When
he revealed his love for me, I realized that the accident made
it
happen, otherwise he would have never done that. Perhaps
what he felt was only a weak feeling, a mere infatuation caused
by
compassion. Accepting that love would have destroyed me, making
me
wonder whether he really loved me. For
a long time, the fury of his words had continued to swirl in my
mind,
until I decided to permanently close that door.His
behaviour, his sudden escape, without even warning Adam, only
confirmed what I thought.There
was nothing left for me but to keep fighting so as not to sink
even
further into pain. But it was strong, much stronger than I
thought,
because as much as I wanted to make a clean break, that love
that it
was supposed to be buried in the most remote corner of the
heart was
more alive than ever.I
put a hand on my throat. No, I couldn't let myself be
conditioned by
this.«Take
a deep breath, Cassie» Rebecca suggested. «Don't hinder it, let
it
come up»«No»
I said, feeling like someone was holding my heart as if in a
vice.«You
must do it; you can't hide it forever» I
shook my head. «It's my past and it must stay there»Rebecca
smiled and crossed her leg. «Are you sure?»«Yep»«Your
love for Logan is still deep»«No»«Denying
it won't help you»«It's
over, there's no place for him in my life»«What
did I tell you when we started the sessions?» I looked at her,
puzzled, then opened my eyes wide, remembering. «Lying won’t
help
you resolve the conflict in your heart» she continued.«I
don't feel anything anymore» I insisted, avoiding her
gaze.«Cassie»
she warned me «Logan is the last topic so that you could get
ready
for this»«We
can do without it»«Don't
drivel, it's not like you» she said. «I want you to tell me
what
you feel for him»«Hatred»
I burst out, moving my hand to my chest near the heart.«Why?»I
closed my eyes, I wanted to avoid those questions. When I heard
his
name, I felt deeply upset. The betrayal of an important part of
my
body destabilized me and made me furious because I was even
more
vulnerable than I thought.«Breathe,
Cassie» she pressed. «You'll see, if you relax a little,
everything
will be easier»«It
won't at all»«The
suffering you're experiencing today, after almost a year,
should make
you understand that such a deep-rooted feeling can't disappear
just
because you want to» she stared at me and waited a moment
before
adding: «Why do you hate him? Why did you test him by telling
him to
leave?»«I
didn't»Her
sceptical look made me feel a little ashamed. I was a different
woman
now, but as soon as I heard his name, I cancelled all the
progress I
had made.«Oh,
all right, yes... Yes», I raised my voice as I felt the tears
fill
my eyes with horror.«What,
Cassie?» Rebecca insisted «Do you know that the line separating
hatred from love is thin?»The
re-emerging pain was terrible, so shooting, as if something was
about
to annihilate and crush me. I
shook my head. «IT HURTS, OKAY?» I cried; tears were streaming
down
my cheeks.«I
know, but you must accept him as part of you and what you've
done»«God,
I can't, I hate him!»«Why?»
She had repeated for the umpteenth time.«I...»
I stopped to take breath, I gasped for air. «I gave him all of
myself and in return he brought up and demolished that love and
he...
He»«Logan,
you can say it, Cassie»I
sank back. «Why am I supposed to feel this pain again?»«This
is reality, you can't escape it»I
put a hand to my forehead, I felt exhausted. «I
refused him. I was racked by my brother's loss as well as his.
How
could he kill that love the day before and tell me later that
he
loved me? If that hadn't happened...» I was breathless and saw
my
brother's face with wide eyes, as he pushed me hard to save my
life.
I pushed my hand to my heart, as if I could protect it from
suffering, from those memories, from that conversation. «I felt
nothing anymore»«Such
a strong feeling can't be turned off as if it were a household
appliance. You were suffering and weren't able to contain that
great
grief» she said. «What did you do?»«I
told him... that I had nothing more to offer him, that I wasn’t
the
right woman for him» Eden was. Rebecca looked at my hand, then
at my
face. «I’ve never been. It was like a dream that faded away,
leaving only suffering behind»«It
was real, Cassie»«No,
it was just an illusion of what I wanted, but not for
him»«Why
do you think he didn't love you?»«How
could he?» I replied angrily, his words of that night and other
things were indelible in my heart. «I wasn’t his type, I’d
never
been, and I'm not sure he knew what the word love means»«We
talked a lot about this»«I
know, but...»«Your
pride and sorrow speak for you»«Maybe,
but the result is the same»«What’s
the result? Your hatred for him?»Once
again that question.Rebecca
always managed to reach her goal, despite my reticence, and I
knew
she wouldn't let me leave, until I answered her.«HE
HASN'T FOUGHT! That's why I hate him» I shouted exasperated «He
said he loved me, but as soon as I told him to leave, he did
without
a second thought. He did without looking back, without even
thinking
of his brother, without telling anyone. Disappeared. That's why
what
he felt was not love»«You
hurt him, what did you expect him to do?»«I
was the only one who had been hurt! It's true, I didn't give
him a
choice» I whispered «But he didn't understand, didn't fight,
gave
up as if he didn't say anything, turned round and left»«You
had more time to accept your feelings, Logan did when he was
afraid
of losing you in the accident» she said. «Have you ever thought
about the conflict of emotions he felt? It must have been
difficult
for him, who had known this feeling for the first time»«No»«Don't
you think you were too rough on him?»«Yes...
No... Well, I don't know» I admitted «It was a weak love, it
would
only have consumed us»«It
was as strong as yours, he proved it for two months, when you
were in
a coma» she said «Do you love him?»«Nothing
has changed, my life must go on»«So,
you still love him»«No»Rebecca
raised an eyebrow, as I wondered when that torture would
finally end
and I could close my Pandora's box again. «Where's
Logan now?»I
shrugged. «No one knows, my brother-in-law thinks that if
something
had happened to him, he would have known»«And
how would you feel if something happened to him?»«I
would feel nothing. Why should I think about him?»«Good
question» Rebecca said, standing up from armchair. «You should
think about it, so we'll talk about it next week»
“
I
won't”
I thought, as I stood up too, then said goodbye and went out.
Closing
the door behind me, I leaned against it and slowly breathed in
and
out. All
the emotions I repressed in those months were overcoming me.
The
possibility that I would see him again very soon paralysed me.
I was
afraid of not being able to be indifferent and repress all the
feelings he aroused in me, the certainty of not being able to
survive
the different feelings that he would have caused was torturing
me.Despite
showing myself indifferent when talking about him, or swearing
I
didn't love him anymore, I lied. My love for him was deep and
total,
also because I did know that that night I managed to reach his
soul,
feeling the perfect harmony with his mind, his heart and his
body,
and I was sure that he felt the same. But at the same time, I
hated
him, blamed him for not being the man who knows how to face
everyday
risks. He was dominated by fear and weakness, instead of making
the
love he said he felt towards me stand out.I
was overwhelmed by the memories of our last conversation in the
hospital. God, I was so tempted to throw myself into his arms
and
believe what he declared, despite the pain for Sam's loss. It
would
have been so easy, because Rebecca was right: my love would
come up
again in time. I could have, but I would have always suspected
at any
time that he would look for another woman, who would satisfy
him more
than me.
“
It
hurt so much!”In
the last months I refused to think where he was, what he was
doing
and with whom, if he was okay. I also felt a little guilty that
Adam
didn't know anything about him anymore because of our row. He
didn't
answer his calls or the messages he sent him. That behaviour
was
immature and typical of a bastard, although he knew how much
his
brother cared about him and his job. Every time I had dinner
with
Jacklyn and Adam, when we often had a coffee in the living
room, I
saw my brother-in-law become silent and a sad shadow in his
eyes.Adam
missed Logan, they had always been close and that clean cut
baffled
me. Once, during a dinner with my friend Eveleen, when Ethan
was with
us too, I saw them talk and I knew that they were working in
the same
base now. I
was happy that Ethan could somehow reassure him and I was
grateful to
him for being there when I needed him most. He was a precious
friend
for me.Sometimes
I forgot he was a marine too, his attitude was totally
different from
Logan's, who always had a harsh and ruthless expression, but I
had no
doubt that he was like that and much more in the field. He
risked his
life too and was ready to do anything to fulfil his duty. When
I saw
him, however, I often wondered if he was afraid of love too,
and if
he would have behaved in the same way. There
wouldn't have been answers for those questions, because I
lacked the
courage to ask what he thought about it. He knew what happened
with
his friend, and this was too much. «Cassandra?»
someone called me.I
immediately straightened up and tried to seem less shocked as I
turned my head towards that voice.I
smiled when I saw Jack coming towards me. It was the
physiotherapist
who helped me for three months after the accident and who had
been
attentive since the first moment I met him, until he asked me
to go
out for dinner a few days after I finished
physiotherapy.He
was a charming man, but he had nothing to do with Logan's
majesty,
physique and sensuality, which nailed and made you melt with a
single
glance of his piercing blue eyes.Jack
was almost 1.80 m tall and his build was thin, with a
harmonious
musculature that shaped his body. His hair was light brown,
chin-length, with a tuft that fell rebellious over the golden
eyes. Sometimes
when I looked at him, I seemed to be staring at a small ray of
sunshine, captured by that slightly almond-shaped eye, with
long
light lashes.His
nose was aquiline, his cheekbones were marked, a well-defined
jaw
with a sparse beard and two dimples on his cheeks appeared when
he
smiled. The mouth was thin with the lower lip a little fuller,
often
posing in a smile when he saw me.He
advanced towards me, smiling. «Hi Jack» I greeted him. «What
are
you doing here?»He
stopped in front of me, looked at me for a moment, then bent
slowly
and kissed my lips. His scent of cologne with lemon and
sandalwood
penetrated my nostrils and there was no explosion of senses, as
usual, which used to happen when Logan approached.I
looked at him as he moved aside: he was wearing a green
T-shirt, a
fairly clinging pair of jeans, slightly down at the hips, and a
sports jacket.Undoubtedly,
he was a handsome man and in the last few months he had made me
understand that he felt something for me. Yet I was aware that
I
wouldn’t be able to experience the deep love I felt for Logan
with
anyone else. All that he caused me would remain unique and that
was
fine with me.I
couldn't ignore Jack's attempts to go beyond and date. His
patience
in waiting for my decision made me understand how deep his
feelings
were, but also totally opposed to mine.«Are
you okay? You're very pale»I
nodded. «Yes, I've just finished a session with the
psychologist»«I
know, I called you and when I saw you didn't answer me, I
realized
you were here» he said. «I know how hard it's for you»«Yes,
but I'll be okay» I had lied for the second time that day. He
raised
an eyebrow as I nervously bit my lip. «Did you want to tell me
something?»He
reached out his hands and surrounded my waist with his arms,
his face
brushed against mine and I saw a gleam of desire in his
eyes.«How
about picking you up and dining at mine?»No
doubt about his intentions.Until
that moment I avoided making him come up to me, there were too
many
things and too many memories that could destroy me. But in that
moment I realized that I had to face the intimacy with Jack if
I
wanted to move on; if that evening had represented the start of
something new, I wouldn't have opposed, there was no point in
tergiversating and taking time. «Okay,
what time?»I
surprised him, perhaps he expected some objections as usual,
but this
time I had none.«Is
it too early for you at eight?»I
laughed «No»«Cassie»
he whispered, before pressing his lips on mine and giving me a
passionate kiss. I
kissed him back, opening my mouth and looking for his tongue.
Jack
was impetuous, his lips moved on mine with passion, involved in
long
and deep kiss. He moved away, pushing his forehead against
mine, our
gasps, I saw the desire still mirrored in his pupils, as I felt
my
aching breasts and turgid nipples, which pushed against the bra
fabric.«You're
a temptation» he whispered. «If I kissed you again...».«We
could be arrested» I joked, moving away from him and taking a
step
back.«I'll
let you go for the moment, but tonight... You'll be
mine»I
learnt from the past that I would belong to no one but
myself.I
turned my head to look around «See you tonight»Jack
nodded and led me out of the building. «Want a lift?»«No,
I'll take a taxi. I'm seeing Eveleen at lunch time» he kissed
me on
the cheek and left, as I started towards the taxis.
2
Logan
Time
should heal or at least alleviate wounds, instead every single
minute, hour, day that pain did nothing but take deeper roots
into my
heart, depriving it of any emotion.The
infernal moments characterizing my missions as a marine were
nothing
compared to what I had felt since I lost Cassie. I burnt in
that fire
that she banked up with desire, passion and the deep love she
gave
me, taking root in me with no way out.I
knew and lost love in a breath, burnt by the fear of not being
myself
anymore. My sleep was broken, crowded by her: by her sweet
face, her
eyes burning of passion, her heady scent, her body against
mine; all
that gave me no respite. Only in those moments I had the
illusion of
feeling her still mine, but the awakening was sharp and
bitter.I
understood that I loved Cassie more than my life, but her
refusal
caused me such rage to destroy my heart. I changed, I felt it
deep
down, but all I had to do was look at the faces of my
companions to
understand what demons I was fighting with. If I closed my
eyes, the
memory of Cassie's green and clear ones, who looked at me
painfully,
continued to haunt me. I wanted to see them again shine with
that
boundless love she transmitted to me when she placed them on
me.Almost
a year had passed... Twelve long months without seeing or
touching
her. But even if it had been possible, I wouldn't have trusted
myself
anyway, because if I had seen her, I wouldn't have been able to
let
her go, thus ignoring her warning.The
promise made to my best friend Sam weighed heavily like a
boulder. I
wasn’t able to carry out the task he assigned me: to be
Cassie's
prince, her knight, to help her overcome the suffering of that
loss
and the accident that almost killed her.I
missed Sam so much, every day it was heart-breaking to know he
was
gone. Sometimes I thought that if he had been still alive, he
would
have told me off for my careless behaviour. I often seemed to
hear
his voice urging me to think, to reason, as he always did, but
I
couldn't.Pain
was always with meand
the only things that didn't make me think at any time of what I
left
behind were work and my missions. Since that fateful night when
Cassie's awakening made me fall into despair I had asked to be
assigned to each task. I didn't mind being in danger, as long
as I
could stay away from New York, from her and my family. I left
just
that evening, without looking back, spurred on by an
irrepressible
fury, because the only thing that interested me at that time
was to
put as much distance from everything.My
struggle was incessant: I struggled to be unemotional, clear
and have
full control over my mind in order to exclude Cassie's memory.
I
struggled against myself, so as not to humiliate myself again
and
declare my love for her.I
wouldn't have done it anymore.Of
course, I didn't fall into the oblivion of the feeling I felt
for
her, I didn't limit myself and I gave myself to any woman who
aroused
my interest or was interested in me. Only one rule: satisfying
my
body's need and losing myself in pleasure, without any emotion
or
passion, because everything was frozen and sealed in my heart.
I
didn't intend to allow anyone else to hurt me that way. I was a
bastard, I wanted to be to the end, without any
hesitation.I
shook my head as if to shake off those thoughts, which surfaced
just
as the plane landed in New York and I got off.Even
then, as I trained with John, the feeling of Cassie's body
against
mine tormented me. I stiffened and regained the rigid control I
always had when I faced someone while I was on a
mission.«You're
lowering your defences again» I warned my companion «What the
hell
is this blow? You're acting like a sissy, where's the
experienced and
deadly marine? Hit hard, with your leg straight and kick your
opponent's chest with your foot. You must be ready to repel the
hands
and arms of those in front of you, who will try to hinder you.
You
know it very well» I
pushed him back vigorously, taking his leg, squeezing it
tightly and
turning it, to make him understand the mistake he was making,
since
he paid no more attention.The
moan of pain penetrated my mind, as if it opened the passage to
a
memory, and I immediately let it go.«Logan,
bloody hell!» he yelled at me.«You
would have your leg broken in three parts and would be useless»
I
told him off «As well as screwed» John gave me a dirty look.
«You've never been so aggressive in training» I shrugged. «Next
mission won't be a picnic»I
avoided his gaze and bent down to take the towel from the
bench, but
he came up anyway. He was one of the best friends I could have,
we
had known each other since I started my career in the marine
world.
We often watched each other's back during high-risk
assignments. I
trusted him, he had been awarded several times like me and I
wanted
him as support when they entrusted me with a team I would be
the
commander of.Since
I asked to be assigned to other missions, he had followed me
without
delay. If my purpose was to forget, John instead - I had no
doubt -
did so to keep an eye on me.«You
can't sleep, can you?» he said.«I
sleep very well»«Sure,
I can see that» he teased me. «You have a diabolic light in
your
eyes as a ruthless murderer. Do you think I don't know you
well, to
notice that you have so much adrenaline in your veins
supporting you?
You work out to the point of exhaustion, you've doubled your
musculature, anyone who faces you must think it over, if they
want to
come out alive»«You're
exaggerating, John» I said, putting the towel around my neck
and
walking towards the changing room.«You
should go to her»I
got tense like a violin string. «To whom?» I replied
indifferently.
«There's no woman in my life, no one worth returning to» I
lied. «You
like acting like a bastard» he said. «You’ve got a family. Your
brother is waiting for you»«Adam
is used to distance between us»«Does
your brother know you've been back for two weeks?» he asked,
shaking
his head in denial. «Useless question, isn't it?»«Stop
behaving like my mum, I'll call him soon»«When?
After you leave again?»I
banged the door so as to hit the wall, making my companions
spin
round, each one had a weapon in his hand. The tension I aroused
made
me calm down a bit.«Sorry»
I said as I came in, heading for my locker. «It's good to see
that
you never drop your defences, unlike John». Without waiting for
their answer, I undressed quickly and went to the shower.
I
turned the handle and placed myself under hot water. I closed
my eyes
for a moment, staying still, while I felt it slip on my body,
soothing and partially relieving my tense muscles.I
clenched my fists; I had the insane desire to punch the wall in
front
of me because of what John told me. I hadn't been in touch with
my
brother anymore, he didn't know where I ended up or whether I
was
back. I had never answered Adam's messages and I felt a little
guilty
about it, because it was the first time I had behaved like this
with
him. I knew my brother would ask me questions I didn't want to
answer. I reached out and took the shower gel. I was soaping
myself
when I felt someone behind me. No matter how quietly he came
in, I
was used to the smallest changes taking place around me.I
had no doubt about who he was, he seemed to have become my
shadow in
the past few months. I turned and saw him moving forward naked
towards the other shower. I was about to speak when I saw his
gaze on
my chest.«Did
you get tattooed? I didn't think you were the type»«It
was a moment of madness. I was drunk»I
remembered that evening well. I had been gone for a week; the
pain I
was feeling didn't give me a moment's peace. Hellfire was more
attractive to me. I was out with some colleagues and drank a
lot,
hoping that the pain I was feeling would relieve thanks to
alcohol.
Instead, after a night of revelry, I ended up on the street and
saw
by chance the lighted sign of a shop still open. It seemed like
a
strange twist of fate, but I went in anyway and a few hours
later I
had a tattoo that would accompany me and always remind me my
madness.I
had my back to my friend as I finished washing, then closed the
handle, took the towel and went out.I
usually avoided taking a shower with other people because I
didn't
want them to look at me and ask inevitable questions about what
was
drawn on my chest.«Logan»I
replied harshly without stopping «It's just a goddamn tattoo,
okay?»
I lied.I
wanted to forget I had it, even if I couldn't, it was still a
sign of
my past. I went back to the locker room and without paying
attention
to anyone, I got dressed and went away.If
I thought I got rid of John's questions, I crowed too early
because
when I went out of the building, I saw Ethan near my
car.I
was aware that in the end I would meet him or he would look for
me,
but I didn't want to give him any advantage. If he had
something to
tell me, he had to do it.His
gaze was hard, arrogant, dark and cold, the same I had seen
many
times when we were on a mission; this time, however, he bent
his gaze
on me, peering at me as if he wanted to read me into my
soul.«You're
finally back» he broke the silence as I went down the steps.
«I
didn't think I was supposed to announce it» I said, taking a
few
steps towards the car.Ethan
knew that the only chance he had of being able to talk to me
was to
stand between me and my car.«You
went along with her and went away, without thinking about how
bad she
was and how much she needed you»«I
did what she asked me to do»«Logan,
she'd woken up from a fucking two-month coma!» he said, raising
his
voice a little, as I clenched my fists so hard that I felt bad.
«She
heard about her brother's death, she wasn't thinking, she was
upset
and what did you do? You surrendered and disappeared» «Ethan,
it's not your business» I said in an angry voice. «What do you
care?»My
friend stretched out his hand and squeezed my shirt, he was
angry,
but I was more.«Do
I really have to tell you, asshole? You said you loved her and
you're
gone»I
narrowed my eyes and anger assailed me, but I stayed still with
considerable effort, instead of reacting as I would have
liked.«Have
you become her defender now?» I mocked him. «You've a free hand
now, you can keep coming on to, can't you? I don't owe you any
explanation»«You're
so stupid, I'm just a friend worried about both of you» he
replied,
suddenly leaving my shirt and pushing me. «She felt Sam's loss
and
yours, as well. She felt guilty when she realized you haven’t
called Adam even once in these months»«Ethan,
once again, it's not up to you to judge what I do»«You're
a real bastard» he railed against me. «Call at least your
brother!»I
passed in front of him, but my friend stopped me by the
arm.«Logan,
I know what you're going through»«I'm
just overworked, I'm fine» I said sarcastically. He
left my arm and put on his sunglasses. «One thing remains
certain,
you're more asshole than I remembered»«Are
you done complimenting me?»«I
am, for the time being» he said. «I could never get you to
listen
to me»«I'm
willing to listen to you it if it's about work,
women...»«What?»«They
serve only one purpose»«Logan»
he warned me, stepping forward.I
shrugged. «I see you don't agree with me»«I
don't and I have to deduce that twelve months of tasks have
melted
your brain, if you speak in this way» he observed. «However, I
think there's much more than you want to admit, Logan... Pain
sometimes doesn't make you think»I
clenched my jaw as I opened the door, cursing Ethan for showing
up on
that day.«Believe
what you want, I don't have the time to listen nonsense»«You
can listen to it tomorrow» Ethan said.I
got into the car, closed the door without even saying goodbye,
started the engine and left, leaving him watch me.
“
Damn
it!”
I swore, contracting my hands on the wheel.Seeing
Ethan again made that terrible day even more complicated. I
couldn't
let myself be conditioned by his words, the only thing I wanted
to do
was to knock him against the wall and hit him until he was
exhausted.Maybe
he wanted me to lose control to see my reaction, as if I were a
robot
put to a damn test.Hearing
Cassie's name and Ethan's telling-off was a punch in the
stomach, but
no matter how tortured I was by her refusal, I realized that a
person
who loves deeply does not refuse that way.Could
I have fought for her? Maybe I didn't all the way, but what was
the
point of doing it, if she rejected all my attempts to stay
close to
her and show her how much I loved her? Cassie made a choice and
so
did I. No, there was no possibility and the grudge I felt
became too
strong, nobody could blame me for the consequences.I
parked the car, got out and went to the lift of my building and
as I
pushed the button for my floor, I thought of my brother. It
would
only take a few hours now before Adam knew I was in town too. I
knew
my brother; I was sure that in those months he tried in every
way to
hear from me and Ethan was the only one who could inform
him.I
put the key in the lock and went in the flat, throwing my
jacket on
the sofa. I ran a hand over my jaw, feeling the skin rough and
thinking that maybe it was a mistake not to shave in the last
few
days.I
sat on the sofa and took my mobile phone from my pocket and
when the
screen lit up, I noticed yet another greeting that Eden sent
me,
inviting me to call her as soon as I was back.In
those two weeks I had ignored them, but because of all the
adrenaline
I had on me, maybe I could have agreed to go out with her
again. I
put that thought aside for a moment and devoted myself to
another
much more important one. At that point I had no choice, I had
to
inform Adam and I was sure that as soon as I sent the message,
he
would rush to my house.'I'm
back'
I wrote without saying anything else, then I answered
Eden.'I'm
in townSee
you tonight at 8'Concise,
cold, without asking her if she was available, I knew well that
she
would have cancelled any other appointment just to see
me.The
beep of a message lighted up the screen again. I opened
it.'Dinner
at mine. See you there'And
here's the answer, as short as mine. This was what I liked
about
Eden; we both knew what that invitation implied. Months before
we
would have gone out - accompanying her to some party - before
ending
the evening giving us mutual pleasure. Now things changed for
me and
apparently, she must have understood there was something
different in
my message.I
stood up and went to the kitchen to make a strong coffee, then
I
decided to prepare something to eat, because that evening I
would
have done everything except that. I felt a twinge in my lower
abdomen, thinking about how I would satisfy the need I
had.
3
Cassie
The
taxi stopped in front of Eveleen's boutique, I paid and headed
for
the shop, thinking about the conversation with Rebecca. I
opened the
door wide and as always when I went in, it was like being
thrown into
a fantasy world made of sparkling silk, velvet and lace.Since
the very beginning my attention shifted to a champagne-coloured
dress
on display not far from me.Like
a moth in the light, I was drawn to that mannequin too; I
couldn't
explain, but I was spellbound by it. The front of the dress was
very
daring. The Greek-style model had the bustier entirely in lace
and
the champagne-coloured silk beneath was so clear that anyone
who
looked at it would have wondered if what they saw was fabric or
leather and from there it went up with wide straps. The
neckline was
deep, getting to the breast and reaching a pleated band that
continued down to the ground. I got round the mannequin and saw
that
the back would remain naked to the waist.I
heard Eveleen's footsteps approach and stop beside me.«Cassie,
honey, are you admiring this masterpiece?»«Mmh...
You know very well it's impossible not to notice it»«Beautiful,
isn't it? It would suit you»Since
I went in, I had imagined myself with that dress on and I also
dreamt
about who I would impress. I shook my head; I was going into
very
dangerous thoughts for my mental health. He
no longer had to be a constant reflection on what I was doing
or what
he would say...«You're
right» I agreed «I really like it»«Can't
believe it!» she said. «You admitted that you like a dress,
does
that mean this time I don't have to force you to wear
it?»I
shook my head «No, although I have some doubts about how much
that
fabric will cover me»«This
dress is made to dare, what are we waiting for? I'll help you
wear
it»The
shiny silk slid lightly over my body, underlining my generous
curves,
as if it was created especially for me. When I turned to the
mirror,
I hardly believed I was the woman in the mirror.The
dress was fabulous, it was elegant, unique in its simplicity
and it
looked good on me... Rather more than good. I blushed a little,
when
I noticed that the silk and lace fabric adhered and barely
covered my
nipples, leaving most of the breasts uncovered and exposed. The
pearly colour of my skin stood out against the one of the
dress.«You're
very sexy» my friend said. «It's perfect for you»I
turned my head towards her. «You displayed it before I arrived,
didn't you?» I smiled «After all this effort to show it to me
I'll
take it, even if I don't know when I wear it»«Was
it that easy?» she asked incredulously. «Shall I no longer
insist?
I can't believe it! You'll see, you'll know when it's the right
time
to wear it»I
took off the dress and gave it to her. «I know, you're right, a
few
months ago I objected until I was out of breath» I shrugged.
«The
sessions with the psychologist helped me»«They
just made you more confident» my friend said. «I'm glad you
finally
see the beautiful woman you are»At
that moment I didn't feel like that.I
stepped out of the fitting room and watched Eveleen give the
dress to
her co-worker, then turned to me and motioned me to follow
her.We
passed an arch, which fronted onto a long corridor, where there
were
several doors on both sides used as fitting rooms, then turned
right
on another, where there were only three doors: her office, the
toilet
and the third one, where we went in.Eveleen
was lucky to find that place. It was a very large room, she had
known
that the previous owner was using it as a wedding dress
atelier, but
after restoring it he moved to another city; the not too high
rent
was the final push that allowed my friend to be able to open
the shop
she wanted. The
room was lit by the early summer sun that came in through the
window
opposite the door. Two medium-sized sofas were in the centre,
on the
right corner there was a rectangular table already set, while
there
was a small kitchen corner with accessories on the left.I
closed the door and walked to the sofa.«I
took something in the restaurant nearby» She informed me. «I
thought we would be more relaxed here»I
glanced at her; I had the feeling that Eveleen was hiding
something
from me. This change of plans was strange, besides she looked
tense;
on the phone that morning she had another idea of how we
would
end that day. My friend looked up from what she was doing and
smiled
at me. Maybe I sensed things that didn't exist because of the
emotional turmoil of that day. I was sure that if she had had
any
problems, she would have told me. I
sighed. «No, that's fine» I reassured her, dropping my bag on
the
sofa and approaching the open window.Despite
the fresh air I inhaled, my mood didn't change, I had a
terrible
headache which seemed to increase minute by minute and staying
there,
looking out and letting my thoughts wander didn't help me at
all.«Cassie,
what's up?» her question distracted me from the turmoil that
was
taking place in my mind.«I'm
okay» I replied, reaching her and taking some dishes she gave
me, I
sat at the table.«Did
something happen? Is it about...»I
stopped her immediately. «Shut up... Don't say his name»Eveleen
sat down next to me and raised an eyebrow. «Why shouldn't I say
his
name?» she replied.«For
one year haven't you always said, until you waste your breath,
that
you've forgotten him and that you no longer feel anything for
him?
Saying his name shouldn't mean anything to you»«Eveleen»«Are
you okay? I see bags under your eyes that you haven't covered
well,
can't you sleep?»«I
sleep like a log» I said piqued, ignoring her sceptical gaze.
«I'm
just a little tired, the session with the psychologist wasn't
as I
thought»«Oh»«What?»«I
suppose it was focused on a certain topic or should I say on a
certain person?»I
raised my eyes «What an intuition!»«Honey,
you've made a lot of progress since the accident» she said.
«It's
normal that you dealt with the Logan
topic» she mimed the quotes.«I
know, but I didn't expect the pain to be stronger than a year
ago»«What
did you think? Not to try anything anymore?» she answered back.
«You
can say and repeat like a mantra that you don't love him, but
I'll
never believe it as you can't lie to yourself»«Stop,
I hate him»«Yes,
I know» she said sarcastically. «I told you months ago and I'll
repeat it until you get that into your fat head. I've never
fully
agreed with you, how could you do it? I'm sure that you would
have
found another less drastic solution together than the one you
chose»I
dropped the cutlery on the dish. «But which side are you on?
He’s
never been the man for me and I found out in the worst
way»Eveleen
put the cutlery on the dish and gave me a dirty look «I've
always
been on your side, but you've been stubborn. I should speak to
your
psychologist to ask her if she can take action on this»I
twisted the napkin on my legs. «You of all people know what I
went
through...»She
nodded. «Yes, and I also know how long you've been waiting for
him
to finally notice you» she reminded me. «Years, Cassie. You've
been
waiting and hoping for years that Logan will notice you»Anger
assailed me. «It's true, but things didn't go as I always
wanted»
The memories were very bitter, I could still feel the echo of
the
sensations he gave me and took away. My heart was beating fast
in
retracing those moments, the tumult of emotions that I was
feeling
were exhausting me. «Pain
has blinded you»I
shook my head. «No, it opened my eyes» I objected. «I realized
I
would do and justify everything for him, but Logan wouldn't be
able
to do the same for me»«You
can't be serious» she murmured. «Logan was afraid of his
feelings,
we know, in spite of everything, however, he was willing to
live them
for you»«You
can't really believe it»«Honey,
I'm not supposed to be the one to do it» she reached out and
squeezed my hand «But you»I
slumped down onto the chair; I was really exhausted. «It's
over,
Eveleen»«You've
been saying this for almost twelve months, do you want to
convince me
or yourself? I see how much you suffer»«I
miss Sam»She
shook her head in denial «I'll go along with you and I'll let
Logan
subject drop, but that's not the end of the matter, you
know»«I'm
done, Eveleen, life goes on»She
stood up and I saw her go to the coffee machine «Tonight I'm
having
dinner with Jack» I informed her.She
turned to look at me. «Where?»«At
his house»Eveleen
was silent, poured the coffee into the cups and returned to the
table. When she sat down, she stared at me «Are you sure that's
what
you want?»«Jack
is a charming and kind person» I tried to justify that
decision.«That's
not what I asked»«I
am»«Why
today, Cassie?» she insisted. «After suffering this morning in
remembering, you could take a decision more to fill the pain,
than
for personal pleasure»«It's
a dinner»«We
both know it won't be just that, you've always kept your
distance
from going to his house» she said. «It's an important choice,
Cassie, and it may not be what you expect»«I
like Jack. He's quiet, he makes me feel safe and carefree» I
listed
what I thought were qualities «He helped me in an unhappy
moment of
my life, I started laughing again and I don't have to be
apprehensive
when we meet» I had the impression I was justifying
myself.«It's
like you're talking about a puppy rather than a man»«Eveleen!»«Are
you listening to yourself? He makes you feel safe from what?
There's
no emotion in your voice, only a cold analysis» she objected in
an
accusing tone. «If I didn't love you as a sister, I would
ignore it,
but I just can't, honey»«I
want a quiet relationship»«No,
you just don't want to try something anymore» she said. «Have
you
thought about the consequences of your choice, made by a wrong
reason?» she leaned forward with her bust, reaching out a hand,
taking mine and holding it in hers, then I saw her take a deep
breath. «Did you think about when you feel his hands on your
skin
tonight? Did you think about his mouth which will give you no
respite, or when his sex sinks inside you? Can you banish your
feelings? Will you convince yourself that this is the right
solution?
Logan isn't here now, but what will happen when you see him
again? It
seems easy now that he isn’t here, but it won't be the same
when he
decides to go back to his brother. Believe me, nothing will be
easy...»I
was puzzled and opened my mouth to say something, but I closed
it
again staring at my best friend. The serious and pained
expression
and her sad speech left me stunned and with a thousand
questions
inside my mind.Why
did she react that way? It was the first time I had listened to
something like this from her and even though it was directed at
me,
it seemed that something touched her from the bottom. Was it
possible
that strange feeling I had felt before was reality?I
held her hand too. «Eveleen, I don't know» I admitted. «I
didn't
wonder what this dinner with Jack will entail. I just accepted
that
something more could happen tonight»«Someone
had to open your eyes»«And
you know it very well, don't you? I said «I...»«We're
talking about you, not me» She said. «I just want you to really
know what you're doing. Well, what are you going to wear
tonight?»«Do
you really want to talk about this now?»She
nodded and smiled at me, letting go my hand.«A
dress, I think»«Great
choice, it's easier to take off»«Eveleen!»
my friend seemed again the same as ever, as if that
conversation
never happened. «What?
It's important to be practical and not to waste time»I
laughed «You're impossible»I
had stayed with her for several hours, but I refused to choose
something sexy to wear. We laughed until we cried at the
thoroughness
of her stories about some things that happened with customers,
making
me more serene than when I went in the shop and I was still
amused
when I decided to go home.
4
Logan