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- Herausgeber: Editora Vida e Consciência
- Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
- Sprache: Englisch
Carolina is a young woman who wants to move on with her own life. There would be no obstacles if it weren't for her father's rigidity and control, preventing her from following her path freely. The intelligence of life, however, will show which attitude is causing its challenges. Carolina will realize that her father is not an obstacle to her progress, as well as that she herself will have to promote her inner improvement, in order to overcome the past.
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Seitenzahl: 504
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023
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© 2008 por Zibia Gasparetto
© 2022 por Zibia Gasparetto – formato digital
Capa e produção gráfica: Equipe Vida & Consciência
Conversão e-book: Equipe Vida & Consciência
ISBN 978-65-88599-37-2 – formato digital
The partial or full reproduction of this book without proper authorization is prohibited.
Publishing, Distribution, Printing and Finishing:
Vida & Consciência Editora e Distribuidora Ltda.
Rua das Oiticicas, 75 — São Paulo — SP — Brasil
CEP 04346-090
www.vidaeconsciencia.com.br
Table of Contents
Capa
Copyright
Folha de Rosto
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Epilogue
Landmarks
Capa
Página de Créditos
Folha de Rosto
Sumário
Prologue
Bells were pealing loudly calling the faithful ones to the 10 o’clock mass. The day was beautiful, people were arriving and soon the nave was full. In the small and beautiful city of Bebedouro, in the countryside of São Paulo, it was the most important event on Sundays.
Wealthy families would take their seats in the first rows, while the poorer ones would watch it from the last seats, but they all would wear their best clothes, keeping a serious semblance showing respect.
Augusto Cezar Monteiro entered arm in arm with his wife Ernestina, followed by their children Carolina and Adalberto.
While the nineteen-year-old boy looked around as if he were looking for someone, with shiny eyes, expressive face, Carolina, eighteen years old, stubborn and serious face, closed lips, challenging erect face, was showing displeasure and irritation.
They sat on the same usual place. The mass started and once in a while Adalberto looked around anxiously. Then, he approached his sister saying in her ears:
- Are you going to keep that scarecrow face for longer?
She looked at him furiously and answered:
- It is none of your business. Mind your own life.
- People are looking and commenting how ugly you are.
She shrugged her shoulders:
- I couldn’t care less about others’ opinion. I do not like coming to church. I feel bad every time I step here.
- Please, stop that drama. How hard can it be to spend one hour here and please our parents?
- I know why you are saying that. But I am not for sale. Ernestina brought her finger to the lips asking for silence. The sermon was about to start. They both dropped the conversation, shutting up. As the priest was talking, Adalberto finally smiled pleased. He had found Ana Maria, a beautiful brunet girl, with black eyes and fleshy lips who was frequently in his dreams.
He blinked to her, who smiled and disguised. She felt flattered by his interest, which lately was evident, but despite the fact Adalberto was a handsome and rich young guy, he was too young and she was not interested.
She had other plans. She dreamed about moving to São Paulo or Rio de Janeiro, to become an actress, build a career and get famous.
The priest continued talking and Carolina, bored, was not paying any attention to his words. She had enough sermons from her parents every day, watching even her thoughts. Besides, she studied in a nuns’ school in which everything was a sin.
She could not wait until she was old enough to get rid of them. She had thought about getting married to the first one to knock her door, but on second thought, what she really wanted was to become independent and not just changing owner.
She sighed bored. That sermon was endless. When it was finished, the pipe-organ started playing again. The mass was solemn, and the priest celebrated it in Latin.
Carolina looked around angrily. She was sure nobody could understand a single word from the priest, but everybody, showing serious faces, pretended to be sharing it.
That was too much for her. That mass seemed endless. She closed her eyes and saw a man in front of her saying:
- Come with me. I will take you for a walk.
She smiled and her body slipped from the bench, while Ernestina, frightened, tried to hold her with Adalberto’s assistance.
Carolina, pale, had lost her senses. Augusto Cezar took his daughter in the arms and, asking for excuse, left followed by his wife and son.
Once they were out, he sat her on a bench trying to revive her, but she would not recover her senses. Frightened, he sent Adalberto to the closest drugstore to try and get something to bring her back.
He left and returned with a bottle of ammonia, which he opened and put close to her nose. Soon later, Carolina sighed, opened her eyes and said:
- Why did you wake me up? I want to sleep. Ernestina shook her, saying:
- You are not at home. You fainted inside the church in the most important part of the mass.
- I did not want to come. I always feel sick in the church.
- Let’s go home - decided Augusto Cezar. – Tomorrow you are going to take this girl to see Dr. Jorge. It is not normal.
In the car, on the way back home, Carolina was thoughtful. She was sure that had not been a dream. Where did she know that handsome man that walked her along a wonderful garden, making her feel such a joy and freedom never experienced before from? His face seemed familiar. She knew she had met him before, but where?
Anyway, he had freed her from a boring moment and gave her a reason to refuse ever going back to Sunday mass again.
* * * * *
Augusto Cezar arrived home nervous. He looked at Carolina, who was not pale anymore and seemed to be fine. When she went to her room, he said to Ernestina:
- Tomorrow morning you make an appointment with Dr. Jorge. – do you really think it is necessary? It was a passing indisposition. She does not have anything. – How can you know? You are not a doctor. Moreover, he needs to do something. Our daughter cannot be weak to the point of not being able to even watch a mass. Sometimes I think she may be pretending just to avoid going to church.
- She wouldn’t do it. Have you seen how pale she was? – Yes, I have. But we can expect everything from her. She is always thinking about a way to contradict me.
- You are wrong. She was really sick. – And you are always trying to cover for her mistakes. This way I lose the authority to educate her. You need to be stricter with Carolina.
Ernestina blushed with anger, but she did not reply. She was used to it. Anything wrong done by the children would always be her fault. He was always saying she was very permissive with them and that she could not determine limits to the children.
She was tired of her husband’s intolerance. She did not feel like discussing about it to avoid getting the situation worse.
She just said:
- I’ll go to the kitchen to see the lunch. She felt tired of the routine her life has turned into. During lunch, Adalberto would eat in a hurry to finish it soon and to have his father’s permission to leave the house; Carolina would keep a serious face, as if it were a favor to be there, without saying a word. Augusto Cezar would say the essential to be well served.
Then, he would have some sleep, while she, alone, would have some spare time to choose between a handicraft or any reading.
He would wake up two hours later and would come down for the afternoon tea. Then, he would sit in the living room and turn on the television to choose an appropriate program.
Augusto Cezar was one of the first people to buy a television soon after its advent in the city. However, in his house nobody had permission to turn it on.
He was the one that determined the time and what to watch. On Sundays, after breakfast, he used to turn it on and gather his family to watch it.
Adalberto would rather go out and Carolina, despite being curious with the novelty, did not like the programs chosen by her father and would rather go to her room and read.
She had a friend that used to lend her some books she had to read furtively. She was sure that her parents would not approve any of them. They were novels, and Augusto Cezar only approved educational books. He considered novels pernicious and a waste of time.
After diner, Ernestina used to stay beside her husband watching TV. A few hours later, he used to turn the TV off. Sometimes he invited her for a walk in the square, where they met friends and talked a little.
It was the moment she liked best, because while he was talking, she could appreciate the crowd, other women’s dresses, and young people walking happily.
When they stayed in, he used to read in the living room for about one hour, and then, go to bed. She used to finish the arrangements in the kitchen with Rute, programming with her the menu for the following week and, then, she would go to sleep.
Augusto Cezar was very demanding with the food and with the house holding.
When Ernestina entered the kitchen, Rute soon noticed she was upset.
She worked in the house for over ten years and she liked her mistress very much. She could clearly notice she was not happy, that there was not much joy in that house.
She would not mention it, but she tried to help her somehow, trying to reciprocate her kindness.
- Has anything happened? You look upset, ma’am.
- The usual. Carolina fainted in the most important part of the mass and Augusto needed to carry her out.
- I wonder how angry he was.
- He wants me to take her to the doctor tomorrow.
- Why, Mrs. Ernestina? Carolina does not have anything. She is fine.
- That is what I think, but he insists, he wants to be sure.
- There are people that feel sick when they enter in a church.
- I know. My aunt Eugênia had something like this. I think it is the smell of incense or candles.
- I don’t think so. My mother used to say that souls from another world, when they are suffering, go to church to seek help. The ones who are more sensitive can feel their presence.
Ernestina felt a shivering:
- Don’t say these things, Rute. How horrible. Church is a peaceful place. There is nothing of it. Dead people whether go to heaven or to hell. They do not stay inside the church.
- And purgatory, where is it? From the people I know, there is no one that deserves go to heaven, most of them will go to the purgatory or lower.
Ernestina shook her head laughing:
- You say so many stupid things! Don’t let your boss listen to these silly things. He already does not like the fact that you do not go to church!
- I don’t go because I don’t feel good either. I prefer to go to Mrs. Antonia’s Spiritism Center.
Ernestina placed her finger in front of her mouth, saying nervously:
- Mind your words. Nobody here can know you go to these places. I let you go because I know you suffered a lot with that headache, no medicine could sort it and it disappeared after you’ve been there. But Augusto Cezar cannot dream about it. He is horrified about these things.
- I know. I won’t say a word. Things are not as many people think they are. When somebody needs to learn the truth about the world of spirits, there is no way out. That is what happened to me.
- All right. Let’s serve lunch that is getting late. Let’s hurry.
Carolina, sitting on her bed, holding an open book, could not pay attention to the reading. She closed the book and hid it again.
She could not forget the face of the young man that had come to rescue her from the church. He had taken her by her hand and they both floated through ways adorned with flowers while he smiled at her.
She had felt free as she had never done before and a feeling of pleasure filled her chest with joy. They had sat on a bench in a garden and he had said to her:
- You need to regain your spiritual power. You cannot weaken now. You have everything to overcome it. Remember that. I will always be by your side.
She wanted that situation to last forever, but suddenly she felt a feeling of fall and a horrible smell. She saw Adalberto’s ironic face and her father’s concerned face.
It was the end of the dream. She had been brought back to reality. Her first impulse was to argue. Why didn’t they leave her where she was?
But the memory of the pleasant moments she had lived was still very present and she sighed trying to understand what was going on around her.
Adalberto knocked on her bedroom’s door, saying:
- Carolina, open it! I don’t know why you lock yourself in your room. Mother is calling you for lunch.
Resigned, Carolina opened the door and went downstairs for lunch.
* * * * *
Chapter 1
When Carolina went downstairs for lunch, she noticed the atmosphere was heavy.
Her father, angry, looked at her as if he were trying to penetrate her deepest thoughts.
Her mother, uneasy, was controlling her anxiety by trying to dissimulate her concern.
Adalberto was very unquiet on the chair, dissimulating the rush to go out.
Nobody had permission to leave the table until the father finished eating.
Carolina wished not to be there. She would rather be without eating than having to bear that unpleasant atmosphere. Also, she could feel there was something in the air and, of course, after what had happened to her, it would fall over her.
Nevertheless, she was happy with what happened. She wanted to remember that pleasant dream and she was determined to not let anybody spoil it.
She decided to face the situation. She was tired of her father’s intolerance. With the excuse of educating and protecting them, he suffocated them with inappropriate demands.
She sat and, noticing that he continued staring at her, she raised her eyes facing him as if she were challenging him.
Ernestina ordered Rute to serve lunch, which placed the trays on the table.
Augusto, annoyed, looked at Carolina, and what at first was an enquiring look, became an angry one. Trying to control his voice, the father said nervously:
- In the church it seemed you were going to die, and now there you are, blushed and at your best. You do not even seem to be the same person.
- In fact, dad. I am very well. The indisposition has gone.
- Like that, suddenly, like magic? Do you want me to believe that?
- It is true. I feel bad in the church.
- Liar! You do that on purpose just to contradict me and embarrass me in front of everybody.
Carolina blushed and stood up angry. Her eyes stared at him with hate and she screamed nervously:
- Are you calling me a liar? If I say I feel bad, it is because I really feel bad.
Ernestina tried to intervene:
- Calm down, Carolina. What is it? Sit down. How dare you talking to your father like that?
Augusto, who was mute due to the surprise, on his turn, stood up and controlling the voice that hate made tremulous, said:
- Get off my face and go straight to your room. You will not leave it tonight.
Seeing that Carolina continued staring at him with challenging eyes, he continued:
- Tomorrow your mother is going to take you to the doctor. If you are not sick, next Sunday you will be in the church and if you faint again, you will be in trouble, young lady.
Carolina went to her bedroom relieved. She locked the door and sat down thoughtfully. She couldn’t care less about being without lunch. The worst thing would be to have to go to church again.
If she did so, would she have that dream again? Oh! If she could go with that man to the wonderful garden, she would convince him to take her very far and for good.
But while it did not happen, she would have to spend another boring Sunday without anything to do.
She went to the window, opened it and looked outside bored. What was the point in being happy, full of life, if she had to be trapped in the routine imposed by her father?
Future did not seem promising at all. As her mother used to say, her destiny would be to marry a man that could provide her with the same comfort she was used to, having kids and living the same life as most couples of the city.
That was not what Carolina wanted. For her, love was nothing like she was used to seeing around her. The couples she knew, formal ones, seemed to be always well; they looked like dolls resigned to the social routine they had inherited from their ancestors.
The right and wrong rules were constantly repeated by parents, and Carolina did not accept that.
- You cannot do that. It is wrong!
Frequently, Carolina did not agree with the prohibitions and questioned:
- It is not wrong. Why do I have to be like all other girls in town? I am different.
And her mother would reply:
- Unfortunately. But I will not allow you to leave the track. You’d better get used to it. Besides being a child, you are a woman. And a woman needs to preserve her reputation.
Her father used to say:
- My daughter needs to behave. I don’t want my daughter to get a bad reputation.
Carolina looked at the square down the block and thought:
- There is nobody on the street. Even if I could go out, nothing new would happen. I’d better resume my reading.
She checked if her door was locked, got the book and laid over the bed.
Her only pleasure was reading. Through books she could travel, live the characters’ adventures, picturing herself as one of the heroines of the stories.
She also liked famous people’s biographies. Scientists, artists and philosophers. Through these people, she could renew her hopes of some day being able to leave towards other places, free to live as it pleased her.
Books represented to her a form to escape from her boring life. Reading was like experiencing all that personally.
She dove into the reading and soon she had forgotten about everything.
It was already dark when somebody knocked on her door with insistence. Carolina hid the book and opened it.
- Why do you lock the door like that? I’ve been knocking on it for a while – said Ernestina bringing a tray and placing it over the desk.
- I was sleepy and I did not want anybody to wake me up.
- I brought your dinner.
- Thanks mom. I am not hungry.
- It is not possible. You did not have lunch and you cannot be without eating. Sit down and eat everything.
- You brought too much food.
- No, it is not. You’d better eat everything. I will come back later to pick up the tray.
Ernestina left contradicted and went downstairs. She didn’t like when Augusto punished the children. Sometimes he overreacted. Carolina had fainted and she was not to blame. The problem is that she would always rebel against her father, which was not right, either.
Although not agreeing with her husband, she would not dare saying anything. With her heart beating strongly, she asked God to make the children obey their father. This way everything would be fine.
Augusto, sitting in the living room, waited for her to watch a TV program. Seeing her coming in, he said:
- Come, the program is about to start.
Ernestina sat beside him, and he continued:
- Where is Adalberto?
- He left soon after dinner.
- Without saying anything? He knows he can only go out after we watch our weekly program.
- He went to Ari’s house to pick up some material for a college paper.
Augusto shook his head displeased:
- This boy always finds a way to contradict me. I am worried about his cultural background, I choose a good TV program and he leaves? It is not right.
- He left because of the paper work.
- He needs to value the union of our family. At least on Sundays he will have to spend some time at home. This boy never stops.
Ernestina did not answer. She was tired of always having to find excuses for her children.
On television, a singer was singing an opera and she allowed her thoughts to wander freely.
She was proud of her husband. He was an engineer, handsome, cultured, wealthy, who lived for his family and work. What else could she expect?
Her mother used to tell her she was very lucky for marrying him, and that she should be very thankful to God for this gift.
She knew all that, but there were moments in which she felt sad, without desire to do things. Then, she would pray asking God to forgive her ingratitude and for feeling unhappy, despite the husband He had given her.
The program ended and Ernestina stood up and walked to the window saying:
- That is a lovely evening, darling. Wouldn’t you like to go for a walk in the square?
He thought a bit and answered:
- All right. Let’s go. What about Carolina?
- Rute will not go out and she can stay with her.
Happier, Ernestina picked up her purse and they left. They walked arm in arm until the square.
The evening was warm and there were many people walking, others sitting on the benches and some children were playing around cheerfully.
Smiling, they greeted everybody until the moment Augusto saw Ari talking to two girls. He stopped and asked Ernestina:
- Didn’t you say Adalberto had gone to Ari’s house?
- That’s what he told me.
- So he lied. Ari is right in front of us with those girls. Where has Adalberto gone?
- It’s been a long time since he went there. He may have already left. Maybe he has already gone home and we were not there.
- You are always making excuses for our children. That’s why I can not educate them properly. It is your fault.
Ernestina did not answer. She had just seen Adalberto leaning on a tree, talking to a girl. Augusto could not see them.
He did not want Adalberto to have a girlfriend until he had finished college. If he saw them, it would be a disaster.
Fortunately she saw Jorge, the doctor, with his wife coming towards them, and said relieved:
- Look, Dr. Jorge and Mrs. Silvia. Let’s greet them. As soon as they approached the couple, the doctor put out his hand smiling:
- Good to see you!
- How are you, Ernestina? – said Silvia hugging her.
Ernestina smiled pleased. They were good friends. He had a round face, dark complexion, small, but very expressive eyes, fleshy and smiling lips showing white and well-formed teeth, which made him a very pleasant person. Silvia had a light complexion blond hair, delicate face, blue eyes, she was lovely and very dear to her husband’s patients.
Ernestina liked the way she used to look in the eyes while talking to people, she considered her a very reliable person.
After the greetings, Augusto told him what had happened during the mass and said:
- I want you to make an appointment to Carolina. I am afraid she is ill.
- Fainting in the church is not that serious. I have seen it a few times – answered Dr. Jorge smiling. – The church full of people, the warmth and that smell of incense may have caused this indisposition. How is she now?
- Well. One could not say she had been so bad. It made me suspect she was just pretending.
- She wouldn’t dare! - interrupted Ernestina.
- Carolina does not like to go to the mass. She could have pretended the fainting in order to not have to go to church anymore.
- The most probable is that she really felt ill. But take her tomorrow at 03:00 p.m. to my office that I will examine her.
In the next afternoon, Ernestina with Carolina entered Dr. Jorge’s office, which stood up to greet them.
Carolina, blushed, seemed at her best. Even though, the doctor examined her carefully.
Then, he sat again in front of them.
- So, doctor? – asked Ernestina anxiously.
- It is all right. I did not notice any abnormality.
- You see? – Said Ernestina distrustfully to her daughter: - Tell the truth. Were you pretending?
- Of course not! You are the one who said I was pale.
- I don’t know how to say it to Augusto Cezar.
- Would you prefer me to be sick? – replied Carolina angrily.
Jorge intervened:
- Calm down. There is no reason for all that. As I told Augusto, fainting in the church is quite common.
Carolina frowned concerned:
- I don’t want to go because I feel sick. But my dad does not understand it.
- He wishes you all the best. It is parents’ duty to teach religion values. A person without faith is weak, without condition to face the challenges of life - intervened Ernestina.
- That is true, Carolina – agreed the doctor.
- But I have faith, I pray every day, the problem is that I feel sick inside the church. Besides, I do not understand why we have to go there, and listen to the priest saying things we do not understand. It is hypocrisy.
- Carolina, don’t say that! - reprehended Ernestina shocked. – We cannot understand God’s mysteries. We only need to hear the sermon. And the priest does that in Portuguese.
- I really doubt somebody can understand that sermon. He says a lot of nonsense.
- Those are words from the bible! - replied Ernestina.
- Said by a foreigner that can barely speak our language, in a confusing way, which renders many different meanings.
Ernestina stood up angry:
- Doctor, you excuse me. Unfortunately my daughter doesn’t know what she is saying. We are going to have a very serious conversation at home.
- There is nothing to excuse. Carolina has her own ideas. Nowadays, youngsters think differently from us.
- Not my children. If Augusto hears it, he will be very upset. For us, religion comes first.
He looked at her thoughtfully, choosing the words to say. Then, he answered:
- Don’t take it too serious. Carolina said she is faithful and prays. She just doesn’t want to go to church because she feels ill. I think, for the time being, you should not insist on that. I believe in due time it will pass and she will wish to go to church.
Ernestina thought a little bit and, then, she said:
- Carolina, wait for me outside. I want to have a word with the doctor alone.
She immediately stood up, bade farewell and left. Ernestina sat down again and said anguished:
- This girl is quite rebel. She does not accept our opinion and she is always questioning us. On the other hand, my husband is very demanding and they both are always confronting each other. I don’t like arguments. I was a very submissive daughter. Carolina’s attitudes make Augusto very angry and she always ends up grounded. But this, instead of solving the problem, makes her even worse. I stay in the middle of them without knowing what to do, trying to calm them down and avoid them to discuss, but I can’t.
She silenced trying to hold the tears.
- If you don’t control your nervousness, you will end up sick and will not be able to do what you wish.
- Do you mean there is nothing to do?
- You need to understand what is going on. Carolina is a very smart girl.
- I don’t think so. If she were so, she would not create problems.
- On the contrary. To accept things she needs to understand them. You heard her saying she doesn’t like the mass because she does not understand what is going on.
- Everybody goes and accepts it. Why does Carolina have to be different?
- She doesn’t want to be hypocrite. And to be sincere, when I go to church, I cannot keep my mind on what the priest is saying. When I realize, I am already thinking about something else. Can’t you think of something else when you are in the mass?
- Well, we all have our weaknesses. Sometimes it happens to me. But when it happens we must make an effort to pray and pay attention.
- People are different. Your daughter has another way to see things, differently from yours. While you accept what others say, she doesn’t. First she needs to understand and, then, she accepts.
- If I thought like that, my marriage would be over. There is a hierarchy in the family; first the father, then the mother. Children must obey.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully and didn’t answer immediately. She continued:
- I have played my part. There are many things I wished to be different, but Augusto Cezar wants things in a certain way and I need to accept it. He is the head of the family. Adalberto accepts it and doesn’t give us any hard time. Why doesn’t Carolina do the same?
- That is how she is.
- Wouldn’t a good tranquilizer make her calmer?
- I cannot do it. You daughter doesn’t need it. I can notice you are nervous. I would like you to pay attention to what I am going to say. Carolina is smart, she questions about the reason of things. She reflects about what she hears and sees. You should be proud of having a daughter with these qualities.
- I wish she were like the other girls.
- But she is not. She thinks, analyzes, she realizes. I will talk to Augusto about it. It would be good if you could hear and respect her opinion.
- I cannot do that. It would be chaos.
- Even worse is to force her to do things she doesn’t like and make her down. It is her nature. You will not change her. After all, not enjoying the mass is not that serious. You can teach spiritual values at home. That is the most important thing.
- Augusto will never accept such a thing! You mean I will have to continue in the middle of these conflicts at home?
- Calm down, Mrs. Ernestina. I will prescribe you a light tranquilizer to make you feel better. You want your daughter to change so that you won’t need to face any conflict. But life is full of confrontations. Every day it places situations on our way that we will have to face. Running away will not solve the problem, on the contrary, the problems grow bigger while we do not face them, they won’t get solved by themselves.
- But I am facing them. I want to keep the family in peace.
- You want your daughter to change the way she is. It is impossible. Ernestina stood up nervous:
- What do you mean? She is young and she has to change. It looks like you are against me!
- Calm down. Sit down and listen to me. I am for good sense. I want you to have a good relationship. But acting this way, you will only make your daughter get worse. The more you use authority, the more she will resist.
- That is exactly how she does – agreed Ernestina sitting again.
- You need to use intelligence. She wants to understand things, so you need to talk and explain.
- She asks questions I don’t know how to answer. He laughed and considered:
- Say you don’t know and try to learn about it. In our town we have a very good library.
- Study, doctor, at my age?
- So what? Silvia and I are always studying something. It makes life more interesting. There are many things to learn. Try it. You may be surprised.
- I will try – she lied.
She didn’t have any intention of following this piece of advice that she considered ridiculous. She thought she had nothing else to do there.
The doctor wrote a prescription and gave it to her.
- Have twenty drops before going to bed. It will be good for you.
She thanked and left. She was disappointed. Carolina waited for her in the next room reading a magazine.
She paid the appointment to the receptionist and, then, said to Carolina:
- Let’s go.
They left. On the way back home Ernestina did not say a word. Carolina soon noticed by the look on her mother’s face that she was not happy.
What should they have talked for so long? What would the doctor have said to her? She was clearly not happy after that talk.
Actually, she felt her mother was not a happy person. She was closed and never expressed her feelings. Despite the fact her mother used to make an effort to show everybody that she and her husband were a happy couple, Carolina was sure of the contrary.
When her father was home, she noticed her mother was always anxious, trying to discover what he wanted, so that he wouldn’t complain about anything.
She was proud of being a perfect housewife. She loved to personally place clothes in the drawers, impeccably washed and ironed, everything strictly clean and in the right place.
Her eyes would shine with satisfaction when somebody praised her domestic skills.
Carolina noticed her father would never say anything nice to her. Demanding in minimum details, he considered his wife had the obligation of doing everything perfectly.
She had never seen her mother uncombed, dressed carelessly. Sometimes she had the impression her mother would go to bed dressed without moving in order to avoid messing her hair.
When she was a child, she frequently messed her mother’s drawers, hiding her belongings, to see if she would be more at easy. Her mother used to punish her, obliging her to put everything back in their places. Then, she used to dispose everything in her own way.
As soon as they arrived home, Carolina went to her bedroom, interested in continuing her novel reading.
Ernestina went to see how the preparations for the dinner were. Augusto Cezar hadn’t arrived yet. What would she say to him? Knowing that Carolina was not sick, he would certainly be more demanding with her and the situation could get worse.
Maybe it would be better just say that the doctor would talk to him about it.
With this thought, she went upstairs to change her clothes and rest a bit until dinner time.
* * * * *
Chapter 2
That afternoon, Augusto Cezar asked about Ernestina.
- She is in the bedroom – informed Rute.
He went upstairs to talk to his wife. He was anxious to know what the doctor had said about Carolina.
Ernestina was getting ready as she used to do every afternoon to wait for her husband.
- So? – He asked. – You took Carolina to the doctor, what did he say?
- Well... he examined her and said that he will talk to you about it.
- What do you mean? Didn’t he say anything to you?
- He said that it is normal to see girls fainting in the church because of the smell of incense, the atmosphere, etc.
- He had already told me that, but, what about her health?
- He did not find anything.
He shook his head annoyed:
- What did I tell you? This girl is pretending. But I will not allow her to fool us again. Sunday she will go to the mass and that is it.
- Before deciding, you’d better talk to him. I have the feeling he didn’t mention everything.
- Why not?
- Maybe because he was in front of her. I don’t know. Go and talk to him.
- Ok. I will. Where is she now?
- In her room.
- She lives in her bedroom. It looks like she doesn’t like to be with her family.
- It is not that. I am always busy and Adalberto is always studying with his friends, so she doesn’t have anybody to talk to. If she had a sister it would be different. At her age I was always with my two sisters.
- I will talk to him tomorrow. Now I will take a shower and get prepared for dinner.
- Do that. Today I made that palm heart pie you like.
Before going downstairs, Ernestina went to Carolina’s room, rotating the knob. The door was locked. Angry, she knocked insistently. When Carolina opened the door, she said:
- I’ve already asked you to not lock the door. Why do you do that?
- I locked the door because of Adalberto. I wanted to sleep a little bit. He doesn’t respect my privacy. He uses to enter, yell in my ear, and pull the sheet.
- He wouldn’t do anything if you didn’t care for his jokes. The more you get angry, the more he feels pleasure in doing it. And it’s not only his fault. You also pick on everything he does. I’ve never seen two such quarrelsome brothers. I have always got along well with my sisters.
- Yes, I know, you were very good friends. But I close the door to avoid arguing. Just that.
Ernestina sighed disheartened:
- Your father is having a shower and soon I will be serving dinner. You’d better get ready and go downstairs. I don’t want to be late.
- I’m not hungry. I would rather be without dinner.
Ernestina shook her head vigorously:
- You know your father wants everybody to be at table at dinner time. You’d better be there. Enough of discussion. Don’t you have funny ideas, or I will ground you personally. I am tired. I deserve a peaceful dinner.
Carolina agreed. If she didn’t do it, she would have to listen to several sermons. She’d better obey. She wanted to come back to her room soon and continue her reading. The book was very interesting.
When she went downstairs, Adalberto was already in the room and she looked at him angrily. She knew he was dissimulated. He pretended to obey everything his parents said, but away from them he would do whatever he wanted.
In one of their discussions he had said to her:
- You are silly. I am much smarter than you are.
- You are a hypocrite. In front of them you are a saint, polite, kind, but on their back you do everything differently.
- What do you gain by being rebel, discussing with them? You only make trouble. Do as I do. Be at home at lunch and dinner time, go with them to the mass on Sundays, say “yes” to everything, praise family life and you will see that you won’t have problems anymore.
- I don’t have the guts to be phony. I like to say what I feel, to be real.
- So, stop complaining. Continue causing shame like you did last Sunday.
Seeing her entering the room, Adalberto smiled:
- Did Dr. Jorge find your disease? Did he prescribe you any medicine?
- I am not sick.
- I know. He didn’t prescribe you any medicine simply because they haven’t invented a medicine for stupidity yet.
Carolina looked at him furiously, but she didn’t reply. Ernestina, entering the room heard his phrase and intervened:
- Shut up, Adalberto. Your jokes always end up badly.
- That is because Carolina doesn’t have sense of humor.
- I said shut up. Your father is coming downstairs. Augusto Cezar entered the room, looked around and said:
- Good evening. Let’s sit down. You may order the dinner to be served.
Dinner was quiet. Carolina kept her eyes in the plate and her mother was taking care for everything to go on smoothly and to prevent her children from saying anything stupid. Augusto Cezar, once in a while, gave an inquiring look over everybody.
Trying to cheer up the atmosphere, Adalberto tried to talk about his classes at college and his father got interested. Augusto Cezar would prefer his son to be an engineer like him, but for that he would have to study in another city and he didn’t want his son to be out of his control.
When Adalberto decided to study law, he agreed. As a lawyer he could also work in the family’s company as he wanted.
- You’d better study hard. When you get in the second grade you will start working in our company to get used to it.
- I am not sure if I will be prepared to work. I am just starting. I don’t know anything yet. I think it is too early.
- On the contrary. The sooner you start, the better it will be. Study is important, but practice is what is going to show you the best way to use the theories. To achieve professional success, one thing cannot exist without the other. I’ve already decided. In the beginning of next year you will start working.
Adalberto lowered his head over the plate to disguise his contrariness from his father and answered:
- All right.
Carolina’s eyes shone ironically when she stared at her brother. But she didn’t say a word. She wanted the meal to finish soon, so that she could resume her reading.
As soon as the father left the table, Carolina went to her room, closed the door, got her book and sat comfortably in the armchair.
She opened the book, but she felt sleepy. She closed it again, placing it over the bedside table. She leaned back and fell asleep.
She dreamed she was walking on a track in a green field. She admired the strong and shiny blue of the sky and noticed the green of the plants was more vivid than usual.
She was feeling light, happy, at her best. She walked fast, anxious to arrive, without knowing where.
She found a square with a white bandstand surrounded by flowers. The garden was wonderful. Enchanted, Carolina sat on a bench, looking around, trying to observe everything.
Then, she saw the man she had seen in the church and took her for walk.
- I know you! – She said, standing up and walking towards him.
- I know. Let’s sit down and talk.
- Although I have never been here before, this place is familiar to me.
- Of course. You used to come here a lot.
- I don’t remember.
- It is natural. You reincarnated and this phase is of forgetfulness. But as we agreed before you were born, I am by your side.
- I feel I know you, but I don’t know where from. Who are you? What is your name?
- Marcos. We are very old friends. I’ve brought you here to talk about our projects.
He placed his right hand over her forehead, saying:
- Now you are going to remember me.
A colorful energy was coming out from his hand, entering her forehead and circulating through the nape of her neck.
Carolina shivered, opened her eyes and said happily:
- Marcos, that’s you! How happy I am!
She hugged him with tenderness. They remained like that for a few seconds, then he said:
- Do you remember?
- Yes. It is good to see you.
- I brought you here because it is time to focus on our projects. I know it won’t be easy. On the other hand, you will have all assistance you need.
They continued talking for a while. Finally, he said:
- It is time to go back. When you wake up you will forget about our conversation, but this experience will be recorded in your memory and it will be a positive point that will help you.
- It is so nice to be here! I wish I could stay a little longer.
- So do I. But we have to go back.
- I feel uncomfortable there. People are so different from me.
- You are more experienced than they are, which gives you more responsibility for the relationship. For having lived more, you have more conditions to understand their relativism without stopping being yourself.
- That’s what I have tried to do.
- Confrontation is not always the best way. Firmness is necessary, but without aggressiveness or disgust. It is cruelty to demand from someone what one is not prepared to give yet.
- But if I allow them, they will transform my life and spoil our projects.
- You can be firm without being disgusted. Put your ideas clearly, but without hate. Looking in the person’s eyes, involving them with thoughts of light and love.
- But when I am there, without remembering anything, I find it difficult to overcome irritation. If only I could remember our conversation here...
- I know how it is. But you need to make an effort. You can overcome it all.
- I will try. But every time I fail, do something, let me know.
Marcos smiled and answered:
- I will see what I can do. Now I will take you back. Remember, when you are contradicted, be firm, looking in the eyes of your interlocutor, send him light and love.
Carolina woke up, listening to Marcos’s last words. She could still feel a great euphoria in her heart, which provided her with a pleasant feeling.
She looked around trying to remember her dream. She was sure she had met the guy that visited her in the church and that his name was Marcos. She remembered having hugged and talked to him. But what about?
The scene was still clear in her mind, the beauty of the place... But, the harder she tried to remember, the harder it was to remember what they had talked about. Only his last words were still echoing in her ears:
- You can be firm without being disgusted. Put your ideas clearly, but without hate. Looking in the person’s eyes, involving them with thoughts of light and love.
She remembered her father’s crazy demands and her mother’s excessive submission, besides her brother’s picking and thought:
- To be firm is going to be easy. But just the thought of the things they do makes me angry. It is going to be hard to have thoughts of light and love at these moments. Anyway, I will try it.
On Saturday night, after the television program with the family, Carolina stood up and said:
- I am going to bed. Good night everyone.
- Wait, Carolina – replied Augusto Cezar. – Tomorrow we are going to the 10:00 o’clock mass. I want everybody ready half an hour before.
Carolina felt an impulse of hate, but, she made an effort to control it. She stopped in front of her father, who was giving her a challenging look, she looked in his eyes, imagining light rays involving him, and then she said with a calm voice:
- I don’t like to go to the mass, I do not understand a word spoken by the priest. I feel sick every time I go there. I don’t want to go. I’d rather pray in my room, in my way. But I don’t need to disobey your order, if you order me, I will go. But I would be happy if you allowed me to stay home.
Augusto Cezar looked at her admired and at a first moment he didn’t know what to answer. Ernestina exchanged a surprising look with Adalberto.
Noticing the three of them were looking attentively, waiting for an answer, he reacted:
- I want everybody in the mass. I do that to ask for God’s protection. We don’t know what can happen tomorrow, the dangers that you and your brother, who are still young, are subject to. It is a tradition of our family, my grandparents, my parents, everybody did it so. Despite the fact our family is big, nobody ever dared to cease this habit.
He made a pause and, noticing the three of them continued waiting, he carried on saying:
- When I was your age, I also didn’t understand what the priest said. I found it tiring and boring, I’d rather play soccer with my friends. But today I understand that my parents did that to protect me and I am grateful for what they did to me. As your father, I have the duty of giving you a good spiritual background. That is why tomorrow you will have to go to the mass.
His voice was tender. Carolina for the very first time understood why he acted that way, and answered:
- All right, dad. I will go. Good night everyone. She left the room and Adalberto said:
- What is wrong with her? I don’t believe this tameness. You take care, she is going to do something.
- I didn’t like your malicious comment – said Augusto Cezar. – I have observed you like to tease your sister. It is disrespect and I will not tolerate this.
- Sorry, dad. I will not do that again – he promised trying to dissimulate his contrariness. – I will go out for a walk. I will be back soon.
After he left, Ernestina said:
- Carolina seems changed.
- She is not a girl anymore; I feel she is matured. Ernestina sighed relieved. She expected an unpleasant discussion, which didn’t happen. Despite her daughter’s agreeing attitude, she was afraid that she could change her mind.
Carolina went to her room, locked the door, got the novel she was reading and sat down comfortably in the armchair. She didn’t open the book. She kept thinking about her meeting with Marcos, making an effort to remember something else.
The place, the hug, the well-being and the joy she had felt were still alive in her memories, but from the conversation she could only remember his last words.
He was right. Her father never explained the reason for his orders. For the first time he gave a justification. Carolina noticed he acted that way trying to protect them.
Of course she thought differently. She was not touched by rituals she could not understand, but she was sensitive to the beauty of things, she could see God everywhere, she believed the universe was commanded by the source of life and that the divine essence was inside her heart.
When she needed to talk to God, she would go to a quiet place, allowing her soul to express her feelings. She was sure she was being heard.
But her father didn’t know that. By accomplishing the family’s religious ritual, he believed to be complying with his father’s role. By forcing his children to fully obey his determinations, he intended to know what was better for their happiness. What an illusion!
Not wishing confrontation, Adalberto assumed a fake posture towards the family; far from his parents, he acted differently.
The experience she had just had was revealing. Marcos was right. She gave in to her father’s wish, not for fearing, or for having changed her way of seeing things, but because she noticed he loved them and he considered to be doing something good.
How to explain to him her most intimate reasons? She felt he was not ready to understand them. She would like to talk to him about her way of seeing the world and life so much.
Show him there are many things beyond appearances and that life was more than it seemed to be.
But she knew he wasn’t ready yet. Marcos had advised her to be patient. Now she understood why.
She thought about her mother, always afraid of something, hiding her true feelings, insecure, without courage to express her ideas, accepting her husband’s orders passively.
Carolina couldn’t remember a single time her mother had a discussion. What was she afraid of? Why did she behave like that? She was a pretty and elegant woman, but she couldn’t see a sparkle in her eyes. How should her intimate world be? She was certainly not happy.
Although the appearance of joy and well-being, her family was not happy. Her father did not share his opinions with his wife, giving orders and showing authority, probably because he didn’t consider her capable of taking an appropriate attitude.
Carolina thought differently. She had noticed that when Ernestina was relaxed and her father was not around, she used to show a deep practical sense, letting revealing phrases escape from a smart and observing spirit. Why, in his presence, was she so faded?
Adalberto, on his turn, despite being always happy, at his best and never complaining about anything, she could notice his effort to disguise his contrariness whenever his father requested something from him. Being a good lad was a role he used to play, wishing to be loved.
Why did he behave like that? Hiding his feelings, showing happiness he didn’t feel, not talking about himself, what he liked or disliked, should be very painful.
Carolina didn’t like pretending. She was deeply true. She understood that if Marcos hadn’t helped her, she would remain behaving inappropriately.
The short experience from that day had shown her that it was possible to expose her ideas, speak about her feelings and to be heard.
It is true that on Sundays she would have to go to church with her family. Apparently nothing had changed. But aware of her father’s reasons, noticing his limitations, it would be less painful to simply obey him.
At that moment, she noticed the way he used to give her orders bothered her. It was as if she were not capable of choosing her own way.
She held her face frightened: “I am as stubborn as he is”.
Then she had the feeling of being hearing Marcos’s voice saying:
- Why do you think you have a father like that? Why, besides all knowledge you already have, did you need to be born in a family like yours? Be aware that life always does everything right. Nobody is a victim.
How many things did she have inside without realizing? What should she learn to be happy?
She felt a little bit insecure. She remembered Marcos had promised to help her.
Oh! If she could be with him again! Just to feel that feeling of lightness and joy!
If only she could remember what they had talked about! The next time they were together she would ask him to not let her forget it.
She wanted to keep all those magic moments of spirituality and understanding.
Thinking about it, she placed her hands together and said a prayer thanking God for having this friend.
Then, she promised herself to make an effort to follow his wise pieces of advice.
Relieved and calm, she opened the book and this time she succumbed to the reading with pleasure.
Chapter 3
It was Saturday, 07:00 p.m., when Adalberto finally managed to leave home. His friend Romeu had told him Ana Maria would be in the square with Sônia. Romeu was interested in Sônia and asked her out on a date. She said she would go with her friend Ana Maria, because her father did not let her go out alone.
He hurried to tell Adalberto. He knew his friend would be happy to be coming with him. It’d been some time already since Adalberto wanted to approach that girl. But she was difficult and she didn’t give him any chance.
He got ready early, got carefully dressed, but exactly that night, despite dinner having been served at the usual time, it took longer than usual.
His father was very talkative, cheerful, making plans for the future and he couldn’t wait to leave. He was about to complain, but he managed to control himself. If he complained it could be worse.
Only Carolina noticed his impatience and how well-dressed he was to go out. But Augusto Cezar, good-humored, didn’t notice anything.
When he got to the street, Adalberto went to meet his friend fast.
- Hey, you are late! – complained his friend as soon as he saw him.
- I wish I were here much earlier. But it seems my father guesses my thoughts. He has the ability to be unpleasant. He started moaning and carried on and on.
- Why didn’t you ask him to excuse you and left?
- Because he would get angry and I prefer to avoid displeasing him.
- And because of it you prefer to displease yourself and take the risk of losing the chance of talking to Ana Maria? In my house, when I want to go out earlier, I let them know and that is it.
- I cannot do that.
- Do you think he will be contradicted just because you wish to go out a little earlier?
- He likes to unite the family during the meals. He wants everybody at the table at dinner time. It is a rule, almost a ritual. He would be angry if I had left before.
The two friends hurried. The square was full. They walked around looking for the two girls, but they were not there.
- It is five past seven - said Adalberto. – Do you think they gave up?
- I don’t think so. Sônia was really thrilled when we appointed the date. I am sure she will come.
A few minutes later they arrived. After the greetings, Sônia said:
- I’ve come to say we’d better appoint another day. I heard my father inviting my mother to come to the square to have an ice cream. I don’t want them to see us together.
- It’s been such a long time I want to talk to you and I wouldn’t like to lose this opportunity – said Romeu. – Let’s go somewhere else, and find a discreet place to talk.
Adalberto was staring at Ana Maria. She was beautiful in her red silk dress, curly hair over her shoulders, fleshy half-open lips in a smile.
He wanted to talk, to be interesting, but by her side he remained quiet, without knowing what to say. She noticed his embarrassment and smiled pleased.
They walked side by side. Romeu was walking ahead with Sônia. Adalberto gave a deep breath and reacted:
- It’s been a long time since I wish to talk to you. But every time I see you, you are with somebody of your family.
- My uncles are very choosy in relation to friendships.
