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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Bildung
- Sprache: Englisch
Is your child experiencing emotional distress because they are being bullied?
Rise Above Bullying: Empower and Advocate for Your Child provides research-based and legally grounded guidance that will enable parents to gain greater insight into how to support their bullied child. This resource helps prepare parents on how to empower their child and advocate on how schools should take the necessary actions to get this harmful environment to stop. Professionals who are supporting young people through counseling or advocacy, as well as educators, will also benefit from the insight in this book.
In Rise Above Bullying, Nancy E. Willard, M.S., J.D., a respected voice in the field of bullying and youth trauma, provides valuable insight on:
- Why bullying occurs, who is involved, the immediate and long-lasting harms it can cause, and why current anti-bullying approaches implemented by schools are not achieving effective results
- Strategies to empower young people with greater resilience and effective relationship skills
- How to document what is happening, report these concerns to the appropriate authorities, and insist on an effective intervention
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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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Table of Contents
Cover
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Introduction
1 Those Who Are Bullied and the Harms
What Is “Bullying?”
Students Who Are Bullied
Identity‐based Bullying
The Harms of Bullying
Trauma
2 Those Who Bully
The Quest for Dominance and Social Status
Bidirectional Aggression or Impulsive Retaliation
Bullying by School Staff
3 Lack of Effectiveness of Anti‐bullying Efforts
Lack of Effectiveness
Survey Data on Bullying
Current Anti‐bullying Approach
Statutes and Directives
State Statutes and District Policies
The Problems
Failure to Consider the Data
Institutional Betrayal
What Schools Should Be Doing
4 Youth Development, Trauma, and Post‐traumatic Growth
Key Areas of the Brain
The Brain Development Process
Teen Development
Experiencing Trauma and Distress
Asking for Help
Your Child's Brain Can Change
5 Positively Powerful
Insight into Resilience
Positively Powerful
Reflective Listening
Empowerment‐building Strategies
Make Positive Connections
Reach Out to Be Kind
Build My Strengths
Focus on the Good
Personal Power Insight
Be Mindful
Keep My Personal Power
Think Things Through
6 Positively Powerful Strategies for Those Being Treated Badly
Understand Hurtful Behavior as a Power Game
What Young People Think
Positively Powerful Strategies
Positively Powerful in Hurtful Situations
Engaging in Conflict Resolution
Assert‐with‐care Communications
Start a Positivity Ripple
7 Positively Powerful Strategies for Those Being Hurtful
Stop, Own It, and Fix It
Basis of Hurtful Behavior
Two Types of Leadership
Rationalizations
Be Positively Powerful Strategies
Stop
8 Positively Powerful Strategies for Close Relationships
Enhancing Important Relationships in a Positively Powerful Way
Foundations of Close Relationships
Healthy or Unhealthy Relationships
Consent
Times of Difficulty
Relationship Break‐ups
Disrupted Relationships
9 Positively Powerful on Social Media
Positive Empowerment When Using Social Media
Historical Background
Do Not Let Them Tell You That You Are Not Good Enough
Think Before You Post
Keep Your Life in Balance
Connect Safely
Protect Your Face and Friends
Read with Your Eyes Open
Embrace Digital Civility
10 Be a Powerfully Positive Helpful Ally and Leader
Being a Helpful Ally and a Leader for Positive Change
Positively Powerful Strategies for Empowered Leadership
Being a Helpful Ally
Say “Stop”
Help a Hurtful Friend Stop, Own It, and Fix It
Report Concerns
Leadership for Kindness and Inclusion
11 Federal Civil Rights Laws and Free Speech
Civil Rights Laws
Civil Rights Litigation
Bullying of Students with Disabilities
Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act
Free Speech
12 Stop the Harm
Insist That Your Child's School Stop the Harm
Documentation Guide
Preparing the Complaint
Comprehensive Intervention
Correct the Hostile Environment
Monitoring and Compliance
Proceeding as a Group
Blessings and Forward
Index
End User License Agreement
Guide
Cover Page
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Begin Reading
Index
WILEY END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT
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Rise Above Bullying
Empower and Advocate for Your Child
Nancy E. Willard
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Library of Congress Cataloging‐in‐Publication DataNames: Willard, Nancy E., author. | John Wiley & Sons, publisher. Title: Rise above bullying : empower and advocate for your child / Nancy E. Willard.Description: Hoboken, New Jersey : Wiley, [2025] | Includes bibliographical references and index.Identifiers: LCCN 2024041119 (print) | LCCN 2024041120 (ebook) | ISBN 9781394282562 (paperback) | ISBN 9781394282586 (adobe pdf) | ISBN 9781394282579 (epub)Subjects: LCSH: Bullying–Prevention. | Parenting.Classification: LCC BF637.B85 W533 2025 (print) | LCC BF637.B85 (ebook) | DDC 302.34/3–dc23/eng/20241023LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024041119LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2024041120
Cover Design: WileyCover Image: © FG Trade Latin/Getty Images
Introduction
My daughter has a learning disability which makes her life a living hell every day at school. She is insulted almost daily by the other students and even her teacher. Yep, that's right. My daughter is in a classroom with 35 students who are 9 years old. She is unable to follow instructions because she has other things going on in her brain. That's why she has a learning problem. The other students insult and joke about her. The teacher laughs when this happens. She has meltdowns almost every day.
My question is this: Should I give up on public school? Should I stop sending her because she is a disruption to other students? Should I keep my mouth shut when she comes home to tell me, “The teacher does not like me mom.” Year after year! That is my question. What do I do? I am up against people who think they know the answer to everything. What the heck can I do? Can someone tell me? Do I walk away and allow this to continue or do I search for one ounce of hope that the system is not broken and that my child will not be broken by it. Feeling really sad.
This was a post made by a parent on social media. Does this describe your anguish and frustration because your child is being broken – constantly being treated badly by other students at school? Is a school staff member being hurtful to your child or do staff ignore situations where your child is being treated badly?
If so, then you are the parent this book has been written for. Rise Above Bullying: Empower and Advocate for Your Child will provide you with insight and guidance to both better empower your child to be a Thriver even though they are being treated badly and to insist that the school take the steps necessary to stop the hurtful behavior and remedy the harm to your child.
The way in which schools are addressing bullying is not achieving success in far too many situations. Your response to this statement is likely “Duh, that is the problem we are facing.”
A huge concern is that too many school leaders appear to think they are handling these situations effectively. If there is news coverage on concerns of bullying, you can pretty much count on a school leader with the school or district saying, “Bullying in any form is unacceptable. We take reports of bullying very seriously and have policies and procedures in place to address such behavior.” This is what the Owasso Public Schools stated after the death of Nex Benedict.1 But, if students are asked, they will say quite clearly that they do not report because whenever they have, nothing was done. As Nex Benedict said when she was asked about whether she reported being bullied to the school, “I did not really see the point to it.” Her classmates also told news reporters that they do not report being bullied or, if they do, nothing happens.
The approach that schools are directed to use to address bullying is grounded in the myth that students who are being treated badly will report to the school and the intervention by the school will be effective. The vast majority of bullied students do not ask for help from their school. Many students do not think that the way the school will respond will make things better. They have legitimate fears that reporting to the school could make things worse. Research supports the concerns held by students.
However, it is important that you understand that your child's principal is doing what they have been directed to do. Principals and school staff want all students to feel safe, welcomed, and respected. Principals are “following the book.” The problem is the requirements and guidance in “the book.” At the heart of the problem are the anti‐bullying statutes that are in every state. These statutes call for a rules‐and‐punishment, disciplinary‐code approach to bullying. This approach is entirely ineffective.
Telling students what the rules are does not effectively stop hurtful behavior, especially when school staff are not present – even when they are – if their hurtful acts are routinely ignored. The vast majority of bullied students do not generally report. When they do, this most often either does not resolve the situation or makes things worse. Most bullying is persistent hurtful behavior that is verbal or relationship aggression which occurs in a subtle and covert manner. This behavior does not meet the “substantial disruption” standard most principals apply to the question of whether an accused student violated the policy. Principals are directed under state statute to address bullying by imposing disciplinary consequences. They have also been told to stop suspending students. In too many states, there are requirements that schools make an annual report of bullying incidents. This has resulted in way too many principals deciding that reported incidents are “not bullying.”
There is also a stereotype that the students who engage in bullying are at high risk in other ways. These students may be considered “hurt people hurting people.” There are some students in schools who are both treated badly and excluded and are also aggressive. These students are not the primary source of bullying. Students who engage in bullying are more often socially skilled students who are considered “popular” and “cool.” They are hurtful in order to achieve dominance and social status. They are often considered to be leaders in the school and are compliant to school staff. The odds of principals imposing disciplinary consequence on these students are slim to none.
The increased contention in our society appears to be generating an even greater level of bullying in our schools. However, on the positive side, it does appear that many students have greater commitment to social justice than their elders. We are seeing many situations of wonderful students standing up for the rights and well‐being of others.
What you will learn in Rise Above Bullying: Empower and Advocate for Your Child includes insight into:
Those who are bullied and the harms.
Those who are hurtful, including both students and staff.
Why what schools are doing is not working.
Youth development, trauma, and post‐traumatic growth.
Powerful strategies to empower your child and increase their happiness and resilience.
How your child can use these empowerment and resilience strategies in situations where someone is being hurtful to them, they have been hurtful to someone, in close relationships, when using social media, and in situations where they witness someone else being treated badly.
Federal civil rights protections against harassment and bullying and how to obtain such protections for your child, even if your child is not currently considered within a class of students who are protected by these laws.
How you can document the concerns of what is happening to your child and the harmful impact. How you can effectively proceed either individually or with a group of parents of bullied students to insist that your child's school stop the bullying, remedy the harm to those who have been bullied, correct aspects of the school environment that are contributing to the concern, and monitor to ensure a positive outcome for all involved students.
Rise Above Bullying: Empower and Advocate for Your Child is written for parents. The term “parent” means any person acting in a caregiving capacity for a child. This book is also appropriate for those who work with young people and families in a counseling or advocacy relationship. This could include counselors, parent advocates, professionals who work with advocacy groups, youth faith leaders, and others who are in a supportive role with young people and their families. This book will also hopefully be of interest to school principals, counselors, social workers, psychologists, and nurses.
The legal aspects I will be discussing are grounded in US law. However, many of the principles and some of the protections will be applicable in other countries.
The objective of Rise Above Bullying: Empower and Advocate for Your Child is to help you to support your child in being resilient when things get tough and empowered to achieve success in their life. When your child is resilient, they can “bounce back” from difficult experiences and are able to feel happy and be successful – even though they have faced such challenges. They can learn from any bad things that have happened. They can then use what they learned to live a more happy and successful life. Becoming empowered is a process of becoming strong and confident, especially being able to control their life and make decisions in a responsible manner.
Being resilient is being like a dandelion. Even a sidewalk or bunch of rocks cannot stop a dandelion from growing and blooming. Providing the insight to support you in empowering your child to be a beautiful, growing, and blooming dandelion is the purpose of this book.
The Positively Powerful strategies set forth in Chapter 5 of Rise Above Bullying: Empower and Advocate for Your Child have been demonstrated through social science research to be effective in increasing the resilience and empowerment of both youth and adults, including those who have experienced adversities. Much of this insight comes from a field of study called “positive psychology.” Positive psychology is a scientific approach to studying how people think, feel, and behave, with a focus on how they build strengths. Positive psychology focuses on such things as happiness, confidence, well‐being, and compassion.
Please do not use the term “victim” in reference to your child. Calling your child a “victim” may cause them to think of themselves as a victim, with all of the powerlessness that this term conveys. My focus in this book is to provide you with guidance on how to empower your child to reduce the potential risk that they will be treated badly, effectively respond if they are, and engage in follow‐up actions so that the hurtful way they have been treated does not harm their heart and soul. My goal is that your child is not a “victim,” not even a “survivor.” My goal is that your child become a “Thriver” – a person who experienced challenging times who shows growth because of the experience and is thriving, successful, happy, and making a positive contribution to others.
Taylor Swift was bullied as a teen. This is comment she provided to a fan who had said she was being bullied demonstrates the voice of a Thriver:
(Y)ou will always be criticized and teased and bullied for things that make you different, but usually those things will be what set you apart. The things that set you apart from the pack, the things that you once thought were your weaknesses will someday become your strengths. So if they say you are weird or annoying or strange or too this or not enough that, maybe it's because you threaten them. Maybe you threaten them because you are not the norm. And if you are not the norm, give yourself a standing ovation.2
My goal in writing this book is to provide insight to parents, and those who support parents, to support all young people, especially those who are being treated badly by peers, to become empowered and a “Thriver.”
While we are on the topic of words and definitions, please do not call students who are hurtful “bullies.” Bullying is behavior – behavior that we hope can be changed. When young people, or anyone else, is called “a bully,” this is name calling. This is not helpful to resolving these concerns.
The other important objective of this book is to provide you with the insight necessary for you to be able to effectively advocate for your child. When these hurtful situations are more serious or are persistent, which means that your child is unable to get this hurtful treatment to stop, your child's school must intervene. Far too often, schools do not intervene effectively.
The approach that schools have been directed to use under state anti‐bullying statutes will not result in a positive outcome. The requirements placed on schools under the federal civil rights laws hold a much greater promise for a resolution. If your child is being persistently bullied and this has been going on for some time, it is probable that your child has developed mental health concerns and there has been an interference with your child's ability to learn and participate in school activities. Assuming this is the case, then your child receives protections under one of the federal civil rights laws, Section 504. Section 504 also requires that bullying of a student be addressed by a team of knowledgeable staff members.
A bit about my path. I went through school as “Weirdo Willard.” I became a special education teacher of students who had emotional and behavioral challenges. Then, I became an attorney and did work in the area of computer law. As schools began to implement more technology, I shifted to become an educational technology consultant. Then, in the early 1990s, as the internet came into society and schools, my focus shifted to digital safety.
In 2007, my book on cyberbullying, Cyberbullying and Cyber Threats: Responding to the Challenge on Online Cruelty, Threats, and Distress was published.3 As I was writing this book, I was confronted with a problem. Based on what I saw happening online, the information being provided to educators about those who bully was inaccurate and the directives set forth under state statutes were flat not going to work. The greatest source of bullying is not “at risk” students. The greatest source of bullying is socially skilled, compliant students who are being hurtful to achieve dominance and social status. These students are highly unlikely to ever be punished for their hurtful actions. The rules‐and‐punishment, disciplinary‐code approach is never going to be effective in addressing bullying either in schools or online.
The rules‐and‐punishment disciplinary approach focuses on these efforts:
Make rules against bullying.
Students do not always follow rules, especially if they are not enforced or they are not being directly supervised. Schools are not making rules for social media sites.
Tell students to report.
The overwhelming majority of students do not report when they are being bullied because they know that this will not resolve the problem and could very well make things worse.
Investigate.
When responding pursuant to the disciplinary code, the principal's sole focus is on whether the accused student violated the rule and should be punished. There is generally not a sufficiently comprehensive investigation to support a comprehensive and effective intervention. Principals face major challenges investigating social media incidents.
Impose consequences.
Ample evidence documents that punishing students rarely results in positive behavior change. With the advent of social media, punishing a student raises additional concerns. It is entirely possible for the hurtful student and their supporters to engage in vicious, uncontrollable, anonymous social media retaliation.
In 2010, the Obama Administration launched greater efforts to address bullying. I decided to shift to a focus on all forms of bullying. Since this time, neither I, nor any other experts I know, have achieved much, if any, effectiveness in communicating about these concerns to school leaders. With the enactment of the Every Student Succeeds Act in 2015, the primary focus of school leaders has been on test scores. Further, they are following the dictates of their state statutes. More on why what school leaders are doing is not working is addressed in Chapter 3. Essentially, in US schools we have reached the point of “insanity” – as defined reportedly by Einstein. US schools are continuing to follow the same approach year after year, with absolutely zero evidence of effectiveness.
In 2015, I conducted a national survey of 1549 secondary students on bullying and hurtful behavior.4 Students were asked questions about hurtful incidents, the impact, reporting, and effectiveness of a school response. This survey also included what are called “positive social norms questions,” that asked for students' values related to how students interact with peers. Data from this survey has been incorporated into the insight presented in this book. You can also review the full results online.
It is my hope that by empowering parents and others in their community who can be supportive advocates for parents and young people, we can ensure that all students feel safe, welcome, and respected in all schools.
The chapters in this book include:
Chapter
1
. Those Who Are Bullied and the Harms.
This chapter will address those who are being bullied and the harms associated with being bullied. These harms are a form of trauma which can lead to long‐lasting emotional challenges, academic failure, and challenges in maintaining positive relationships. Despite experiencing these challenging situations, bullied young people can become empowered and strong.
Chapter
2
. Those Who Bully.
The students who are the greatest source of bullying are the socially skilled and popular students who are hurtful to gain dominance and social status. It also must be recognized that sometimes adults are hurtful to young people. This could include school staff, coaches, and other youth workers.
Chapter
3
. Lack of Effectiveness of Anti‐bullying Efforts.
Educators want students in their school to feel safe, welcome, and respected. The challenge is that the approach educators have been directed to use to address to bullying is not achieving positive outcomes. This chapter will provide insight into why these directives are not achieving positive outcomes and recommendations for strategies that will likely achieve better results.
Chapter
4
. Youth Development, Trauma, Post‐traumatic Growth.
Young people go through stages in development that relate to how their brain is developing. These stages include cognitive, moral, and identity development. Young people who are being bullied are experiencing trauma. This chapter will address how trauma impacts the brain and how those who have experienced trauma can achieve post‐traumatic growth.
Chapter
5
. Positively Powerful.
The longest chapter in this book will introduce seven Positively Powerful strategies that are grounded in research into positive psychology and resilience that can support your child in becoming empowered and resilient. These strategies include: Make Positive Connections; Reach Out to Be Kind; Build Your Strengths; Focus on the Good; Be Mindful; Keep Your Personal Power; and Think Things Through. Each of these strategies have two or three sub‐strategies.
Chapter
6
. Positively Powerful Strategies for Those Being Treated Badly.
The Positively Powerful strategies can be used by your child to both reduce the potential they are treated badly and improve their response if they are.
Chapter
7
. Positively Powerful Strategies for Those Being Hurtful.
The Positively Powerful strategies can also support your child in reducing the potential they will be hurtful, avoiding impulsive retaliation, accepting personal responsibility for their hurtful behavior, and taking steps to remedy the harm if they were.
Chapter
8
. Positively Powerful Strategies for Close Relationships.
Your child will form closer relationships with some special friends, and, when teens, will likely form dating relationships. The Positively Powerful strategies can support positive relationships and help your child in those inevitable situations where a relationship ends.
Chapter
9
. Positively Powerful on Social Media.
The Positively Powerful strategies can also support your child in engaging in safe and responsible use of social media. There are also a number of strategies in this chapter: Do Not Let Them Tell You That You Are Not Good Enough; Think Before You Post; Keep Your Life in Balance; Connect Safely; Protect Your Face and Friends; Read with Your Eyes Open; and Embrace Digital Civility.
Chapter
10
. Be a Powerfully Positive Helpful Ally and Leader.
In line with the objective that your child is able to become a Thriver, the next step your child may want to take is to become a helpful ally who supports others who are being treated badly or excluded. Your child may also want to move into a leadership position in their school to support an environment that is safe, welcoming, and respectful for all students.
Chapter
11
. Federal Civil Rights Laws and Free Speech.
Under federal civil rights laws, schools are obligated to address hurtful behavior that is sufficiently serious, persistent, or pervasive so that it interferes with or limits a student's ability to learn and participate school activities, and is based on a student's race, color, national origin, sex, disability, or religion. This is called a “hostile environment.” If there are concerns that this might be happening, a school must conduct a prompt, unbiased, comprehensive investigation. If a hostile environment exists, the school must implement a comprehensive intervention that must include steps reasonably calculated to stop the harassment, remedy the harm to the target, correct the school environment, and monitor to ensure the problem has stopped. If your child is receiving services on an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) or Section 504, the school is required to engage the IEP or Section 504 team to develop this comprehensive plan. If, because of the bullying, your child is now experiencing mental health concerns and an interference in their learning, they should be placed on a Section 504 plan, even if the only accommodations addressed in the plan are those directed as resolving the bullying situation.
Chapter
12
. Stop the Harm.
Stopping the harm will require that you effectively document what is happening to your child and pursue a complaint against the school under civil rights law, preferably under Section 504. You can file this complaint either as an individual or within a group of parents and students who are all experiencing bullying. This chapter also outlines the comprehensive intervention you should seek to obtain.
The Rise Above Bullying website has been established to support this book. The URL is https://rise‐above‐bullying.com. This website has additional resources for parents and advocates.
Notes
1
Alfonseca, K. (2024). Students walk out over nonbinary student Nex Benedict's death, anti‐LGBTQ bullying in Oklahoma. ABC News, February 26.
https://abcnews.go.com/US/student‐walkout‐owasso‐high‐school‐oklahoma‐nonbinary‐student‐nex‐benedict‐death/story?id=107546201
(accessed 1 August 2024).
2
Strecker, E. (2015). Read Taylor Swift's sweet message to bullied fan.
Billboard
, January 27.
3
Willard, N. (2007).
Cyberbullying and Cyber Threats: Responding to the Challenge on Online Cruelty, Threats, and Distress
. Research Press.
4
Willard, N.E. (2016). Embrace Civility student survey. Embrace Civility in the Digital Age.
https://www.embracecivility.org/wp‐content/uploadsnew/ECSSFullReportfull.pdf
(accessed 1 August 2024).
1Those Who Are Bullied and the Harms
What Is “Bullying?”
Anston is being treated really badly by some of the other students in his sixth grade class. They make fun of his glasses and his weight. They intentionally refuse to allow him to sit with them at lunch. This has been going on for months. Anston is becoming more and more depressed. His grades are dropping. He often stays home because of headaches. When he told his principal that he was being bullied, her response was, “This is not bullying. There is nothing I can do.”
What is “bullying?” It will likely not surprise you to know that there is no clarity on the answer to this question. It will be helpful for you to know about the different definitions so that if you are told that what is happening to your child is “not bullying,” you will be empowered to respond in an effective manner. These are the different definitions.
Academic definition.
Researchers consider “bullying” to be when someone intends to be hurtful to someone, this harm is repeated, and there is an “imbalance of power.” Imbalance of power means that the hurtful person has greater social or physical power than the one they are treating badly. There is general agreement that bullying behaviors include these components and can involve physical aggression, verbal aggression, and relational aggression or social exclusion.
1
Statutory definitions.
In the United States, are 50 different state statutory definitions of what is called bullying or harassment, and sometimes intimidation.
2
A 2011 US Department of Education (USDOE) report on state statutes noted that the lack of consistency “contributes to confusion over how a specific incident should be treated.”
3
You can see all of the different state statutory definitions at
https://stopbullying.gov
. Because these statutes require that school districts create anti‐bullying policies, your state's statutory definition becomes part of the policy in your district's disciplinary code. When a principal tells you or your child that “this is not bullying,” they are saying “this does not, in my opinion, meet the definition in our policy.”
Discriminatory harassment.
The definition of “discriminatory harassment” or “harassment” comes from US federal civil rights laws. This is a definition provided by the USDOE Office for Civil Rights (OCR): “Harassment creates a hostile environment when the conduct is sufficiently severe, pervasive, or persistent so as to interfere with or limit a student's ability to participate in or benefit from the services, activities, or opportunities offered by a school. When such harassment is based on race, color, national origin, sex, or disability, it violates the civil rights laws that OCR enforces.”
4
International definitions.
Internationally, the term “bullying” is defined in different ways by different countries. There are cross‐cultural differences in how hurtful behavior is expressed in different countries. There are also differences in perspectives associated with physical aggression, verbal aggression, and relational aggression or social exclusion.
5
Terms or questions in surveys.
The term “bullying” is also used in surveys. These generally ask about hurtful acts. The CDC's Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS) uses this definition: “Bullying is when 1 or more students tease, threaten, spread rumors about, hit, shove, or hurt another student over and over again. It is not bullying when 2 students of about the same strength or power argue or fight or tease each other in a friendly way.”
6
Most of the surveys do not ask about seriousness, frequency, or harmful impact. This is a concern because the surveys do not distinguish between hurtful incidents that were resolved and those that are more serious or persistent.
Cyberbullying.
Cyberbullying is a newer form of hurtful behavior that is accomplished using digital technologies and social media. Because there is such a clear overlap between face‐to‐face bullying and cyberbullying, my recommendation would be a focus on the hurtful behavior, not the means by which this occurred.
What students think.
A student could complain they are being bullied based on one hurtful act that was not significantly serious – or serious or persistent hurtful incidents and situations that match any of the above definitions.
A document on bullying and cyberbullying was recently provided by the California School Board Association.7 On page one, column one, the document references a recent California statute that addresses the need for a policy that prohibits discrimination, harassment, intimidation, and bullying based on specified protected class status. The state statute requires schools to address what should be considered discriminatory harassment, but under the state anti‐bullying statute. These provisions are not in accord with the requirements under federal civil rights laws. On page one, column two, the document provides the academic definition. The difference between definitions is not addressed. On page two, the document references the California Healthy Kids Survey, which asks students about a range of hurtful acts which could or might not have been serious or persistent. This is a recipe for total confusion.
The perspective I share with school leaders is that we need to shift to a focus on empowering students to maintain positive relationships, reducing all forms of hurtful behavior, and ensuring both students and school staff can respond effectively to all incidents that involve hurtful behavior. Some of these may be more minor incidents that students should be able to resolve by themselves or with school staff assistance. Other more serious incidents will need to be resolved by a school team including the principal. All of these hurtful incidents cause some level of harm and can disrupt the environment.
If a student is experiencing someone being hurtful to them, they are unable to get this to stop, and this is causing them distress and an interference with their learning, should it really matter whether the hurtful acts meet the district's policy on “bullying?”
Students Who Are Bullied
In this section, I will describe two general profiles of the kinds of students who are bullied.
Bullied and Hurtful Students
Jacob has had a challenging life. He is living with his single mom, as his father is in prison. His mom struggles with ensuring the family has sufficient money and sometimes she drinks too much. Jacob has attention challenges, which interfere with his ability to focus while in school. Jacob is frequently excluded by other students in his class. They also often poke fun at his clothes and indicate that he smells. Jacob has begun to be aggressive to other students. He triggers and gets very upset. When he is upset he will lash out at anyone around him, especially those who are always poking fun at his clothing.
Some students have both been bullied and excluded by others and they are also being hurtful. Sometimes, these students are called “bully‐victims.” This is backwards. The saying “hurt people hurt people” fully applies to these students. They are “victims” who are now also “bullies” – except I suggest not using these terms. It is imperative to address the hurtful way these students are being treated to support them in stopping their hurtful behavior.
This may be your child or a student who is being hurtful to your child. These students have generally been repeatedly denigrated and excluded by other students and sometimes by school staff. They may also often come from homes that have a high level of violence or neglect. This has impacted their ability to self‐regulate. These young people tend to be unpopular, aggressive, easily angered, and have few friends.8 They are very low on the school's social ladder – the most ostracized by peers.9
These students may engage in behaviors that encourage other students to be hurtful to them. They are generally impulsive and poor in regulating their emotions.10 Other students can subtly pick on them until they “snap” and become disruptive. Most school staff do not notice or they ignore the more minor hurtful acts directed at these students. Then, when they become disruptive, they are the ones who are disciplined.11
These students engage in “reactive aggression.”12 Reactive aggression is emotional and impulsive hurtful behavior. They impulsively react badly in response to something bad that has been happening to them.
Marginalized hurtful students are at high risk.13 They have higher levels of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, and suicidal behavior.14 They are less successful academically.15 They are more likely to carry weapons to school to protect themselves.16 They are less likely to graduate.17 They have the highest rates of self‐harm, plans for suicide, and attempted suicide.18 They also have higher rates of serious criminal charges in adulthood.19
These students are functioning at a high level of traumatic distress.20 They have learned that their environments are unsafe. Their amygdala, their threat sensor, is always functioning at “on.” They may also trigger and become upset or aggressive in response to situations that, from an outside perspective, appear to be relatively minor.
If your child is being treated badly and is also engaging in hurtful and disruptive behavior, the guidance set out in Chapter 5 provides recommendations to better support your child. Chapter 12 will provide you with guidance on how to document what is happening and the recommended steps to address this concern, which will require both support for your child and holding your child accountable for any harm they cause.
Bullied Students
Jessie is an autistic, non‐binary high school student. They have challenges “acting normal” because their brain does not function in a way that supports them in doing so. Jessie has been bullied by other students since kindergarten, because they are thought of as “weird.” Now that Jessie has changed their name, the students have realized why they are so different. The bullying and exclusion has increased. Jessie stopped reporting being bullied to the school. They learned long ago that this only made things worse. They were told to stop acting so strangely and the bullying would stop. The students would then call them a “snitch.”
Bullied students are those who are seriously or persistently treated badly by their peers. When students are asked by researchers to describe those who are bullied, they frequently refer to bullied students in a negative way.21 They use terms such as “different,” “odd,” or “weird.” Some students perceive that these students are not behaving as they “should.” Therefore, they deserve to be treated in a hurtful manner. These “misfit” students disturb the status quo, which demands conformity to “normal.”22 They are on the lower levels of the school's “social ladder.”
Those students who engage in bullying strategically target students they know others do not support. This is less risky for them. Other students are less likely to step in to help these bullied students, because this could raise the risk of being targeted themselves or damage their reputation by standing up for a student who is considered “weird.”
However, it is not always the case that lower social status students are the ones being treated badly by peers. Especially in the teen years, students at higher levels on the social ladder may also be bullied.23 These students are those who the hurtful students perceive to be rivals or potential rivals. The involved students are at a relatively equivalent level of the school's social ladder. These students are treated badly by peers who are trying to obtain dominance, which will be discussed in Chapter 2. Often, these are situations that relate to romantic relationships and dating.
Amber is a freshman in high school. She gets good grades, is a member of a student leadership group, and she plays on the school's volleyball team. One day, she spent some time in the lunchroom talking to Burt. Lilah is also a freshman and is one of the top players on the volleyball team. She is very popular. She really likes Burt. After she saw Amber talking with Burt, she started attacking Amber. Mostly she posted hurtful stuff about Amber on social media. She also encouraged the other players to ignore her. Other students have started laughing at and avoiding Amber.
Identity‐based Bullying
Identity‐based bullying is biased‐based bullying that occurs because of the student's actual or perceived “identity” within a group or class of people who are marginalized within our society.24 Marginalized identity groups include those who are considered a protected class under most civil rights laws. This generally includes race, color, national origin, religion, disabilities, and sexual minorities. Students within other identity groups may also be the subject of identity‐based bullying. This includes students who are overweight, low income, or some other group of marginalized students.
Identity‐based bullying may be serious or may be persistent minor incidents, the harms of which add up. These serious or persistent hurtful acts may be directed at one young person. Identity‐based bullying also includes the pervasive or widespread targeting of many students within the entire identity group.
Zahra recently immigrated from Afghanistan. She is learning to speak English. She wears a hijab, which is considered sacred in her family and religion. She has been called a “terrorist” and asked if she was a member of the Taliban. Students try to pull off her hijab. One asked her, “Do you have any hair under there?” She has been told that she is not welcome in our country and to go back to where she came from. One of her teachers has trouble pronouncing her name and has decided to call her “Sarah.”
Identity‐based bullying is recognized as causing greater harm than more general bullying.25 The reason for this is that in addition to the actual experience of being treated badly, students who are bullied based on their membership in an identity group can have an ongoing expectation that they will always be treated badly because of “who they are.”
Many students who are in minority identity groups also have concerns related to intergenerational trauma.26 This will be discussed in Chapter 4. For sexual and gender minorities, the stress may also include the need to conceal their identity from those within their family, school, and/or community.
There is an overlap between identity‐based bullying and hate crimes.27 A hate crime is a criminal offense against a person or property motivated in whole or in part by the offender's bias against that person based on their race, ethnicity, national origin, religion, disability, sexual orientation, or gender identity.28
Hate crimes committed by young people look similar to adult hate crimes.29 Most juvenile hate crimes are motivated by bias based on race or ethnicity. Almost half of the hate crime cases involving juvenile suspects are incidents that happened at school or on school grounds.
Societal Values of the Local Community
There are regional differences in how identity‐based bullying manifests in schools that relate to the values held by local community residents. Recently in the United States, intense battles have emerged in many states over the increased efforts of schools to achieve greater diversity, equity, and inclusion. Battles over these issues are raging in some communities, with angry parents accosting board members, school leaders, and teachers. These parents have children who are attending school in these communities, who may be bringing these values into the school.
If you live in a region or state where these battles have been raging, this is going to create greater difficulties in interacting with the school to achieve a resolution of the situation with your child. Hopefully not, but possibly, the principal or other leaders in your district may also hold attitudes that are biased. If information that your child has filed a complaint with the district becomes known, your child and your family could face retaliation from others in the community.
In Chapter 12, you will learn about strategies to document what is happening and the harmful impact on your child, and to file an effective complaint with your child's school. Your complaint will include a specific request to keep the fact that you or your child were the source of the complaint confidential.
If your child is a member of a minority identity group and other students within this minority group are also being bullied, my guidance is to not try to address this concern just from the perspective of your child. If you proceed to address these concerns as a group of families, hopefully with the support of an advocacy group, there is likely a lower potential for your child to be specifically identified and retaliated against. This is discussed more in Chapters 11 and 12.
Identities
The following are the different bases for identity‐based bullying:
Race, ethnicity, religion, national origin.
Data related to the concern of race, ethnicity, or religious‐based bullying can be complicated.
30
The basis and level of bullying of racial or religious minorities will be different depending on the racial or religious make‐up of the school and community.
31
Newly immigrated.
Students who have newly immigrated have many times experienced trauma that led to their relocation, which could contribute to behavior that makes them more vulnerable to being bullied.
32
These students are also less likely to feel comfortable reporting this to the school due to their lack of comfort in their new community and school.
Indigenous youth.
In the United States, Native American students have both the highest rates of experiencing victimization in the form of threats or physical violence and the highest dropout rates when compared to other racial groups. In other countries, these hurtful dynamics between the majority society and Indigenous peoples also appears evident.
33
Asian American.
A 2021 survey, found that 80% of Asian American teens had experienced bullying, both in person or online, and that they are significantly less likely to report bullying to an adult than non‐Asian American teens.
34
Religious minorities.
In the United States, religious minorities include members of minority religions such as Muslims, Sikhs, Hindus, and Jews. The Council on American–Islamic Relations reports that, over the last decade, 40–50% of Muslim students have consistently reported being bullied, nearly half reported feeling unsafe, unwelcome, or uncomfortable at school because of their Muslim identity, and 25% of students reported that an adult at their school made offensive comments or acted in a way that was offensive to Islam/Muslims.
35
Over 50% of Sikh children experienced school bullying.
36
The percentage increased to 67% for turbaned Sikh children. Each year, the Anti‐Defamation League (ADL) tracks incidents of anti‐Semitic harassment, vandalism, and assault in the United States. In 2022, the ADL found that there was a 36% increase from 2021.
37
Another study of middle and high schoolers in the United States demonstrated that 34.3% of Muslim students, 25% of Jewish students, and 23.1% of Hindu students reported they had been targeted at school because of their faith the last 30 days.
38
Disabilities.
A new report from UNESCO,
Violence and Bullying in Educational Settings: The Experience of Children and Young People with Disabilities
, documented the nature of violence and bullying experienced by young people with disabilities in schools.
39
This assessment concluded that young people with disabilities are three to four times more likely to be victims of any type of violence in all settings. Within education systems throughout the world, students with disabilities have been found to experience substantially higher rates of peer bullying than those without disabilities. Students with emotional and behavioral challenges are more likely to be victimized than those with other disabilities. Students with disabilities also experience higher rates of physical violence at the hands of teachers, are more likely to be physically restrained or confined, and are also subjected to greater emotional and psychological violence from teachers than students without disabilities.
Sexual or gender minority status.
Sexual and gender minority students are extremely vulnerable to being bullied.
40
GLSEN's
2019 School Climate Report
revealed that 82% of LGBTQ+ students reported feeling unsafe in school because of at least one of their actual or perceived personal characteristics, 79% reported avoiding school functions or extracurricular activities because they felt unsafe or uncomfortable, 58% reported hearing homophobic remarks from teachers or other school staff and 72% reported hearing negative remarks about gender expression from teachers or other school staff, and almost all of the students heard negative remarks about sexual identity or gender orientation and very few witnessed school staff step in to stop this.
41
In addition, 76% experienced in‐person verbal harassment and 31% were physically harassed. Only 35% of these students reported the harassment to the school and, of those who reported, 60% said staff did nothing in response. Most did not report because they did not think staff would do anything. These students may be living in families where their sexual or gender minority status will not be accepted. They cannot risk reporting any concerns of being treated badly to school leaders. These leaders could also be biased against them or could “out” them in a way that will lead to greater challenges, including within their family.
Groups that do not receive civil rights protections.
Students in all of the above sections are considered protected class students under US civil rights laws. These laws likely do not provide protections for all students who may experience identity‐based bullying. This includes students who are overweight, obese, or have some other “undesirable” physical appearance; students who are in foster care; lower‐income students, and those who are experiencing significant home adversities, such as parents who are incarcerated or engaged in drug or alcohol abuse.
42
In a study of students in middle and high school, both overweight and obese students were at increased risk of experiencing bullying.
43
They may also experience situations where school staff blame them for being targeted.
44
There is no easily available data for other groups of students.
Chapters 11
and
12
will provide insight into a strategy to bring students within these groups under federal civil rights laws if a student is now experiencing mental health concerns and an interference with their learning.
Implicit Bias and Microaggressions
Ella is a black student who just had beautiful, colorful extensions in her hair. Amy came up to her at school and immediately reached out to play with her hair extensions, without asking permission. When Ella stepped back and tried to explain that she did not think it was respectful for Amy to just come up and touch her hair and she felt this was racist, Amy responded, “Well, I am color blind. I do not see colors.”
Students who are members of marginalized identity groups also deal with concerns related to implicit bias and microaggressions. To start this discussion, it is helpful to consider three forms of bias or prejudice against those who are not members of the dominant group in society:
Explicit bias.
Explicit bias is a known negative attitude about a specific identity group.
45
Overt comments or behavior that demonstrate this explicit bias could be considered bullying or discriminatory harassment. These concerns are not the focus in this section, but are the focus of this book.
Implicit bias.
Implicit bias is an unconscious negative attitude against members of an identity group. Implicit bias is shaped by our life experiences. Implicit bias is developed through repeated reinforcement of stereotypes through media, families, schools, and communities.
46
The way people behave can be influenced by their implicit biases – but they are unaware they hold such biases.
47
Acts or statements that are not intended to cause harm, but do cause harm because of underlying identity issues, are sometimes referred to as microaggressions. However, the person who has said or done something that caused offense is not intending to be aggressive. It is important to distinguish between “intent” and “impact.”
Institutional inequities.
Institutional inequities are the ways in which institutions or systems function that disadvantage marginalized identity groups.
48
Individuals within institutions who make decisions that result in inequities may make these decisions based on their personal explicit or implicit biases. Institutional inequities are a profound concern. These inequities have an extensive historical basis, which has resulted in profound inequities in our society. Schools absolutely have significant concerns related to institutional inequities, very frequently driven by the implicit biases of staff members and school board members.
Implicit bias can influence behavior. Implicit bias is understood to be a cause of unintentional discriminatory acts. These implicit biases are in large part outside the conscious awareness of individuals.49 Most people consider themselves moral and respectful people, not wanting to engage in hurtful behavior directed at others. While the intent of a person may not be to offend, the impact of their statement or actions may have been perceived to be offensive by another.
Complicated History of Focus on Microaggressions
Chester M. Pierce, an African American Harvard‐trained psychiatrist, was the first to describe the concept of microaggressions in the 1960s. He defined microaggressions as “black–white racial interactions [that] are characterized by white put‐downs, done in an automatic, preconscious, or unconscious fashion.”50 Note that his focus is on unconscious actions, not actions intending to cause harm. These are actions that are grounded in implicit bias.
Derald Wing Sue is another researcher in this area. He describes racial microaggressions as:
Racial micro aggressions are brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, or environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults toward people of color. Perpetrators of micro aggressions are often unaware that they engage in such communications when they interact with racial/ethnic minorities.51
Sue also stated:
People who engage in microaggressions are ordinary folks who experience themselves as good, moral, decent individuals. Microaggressions occur because they are outside the level of conscious awareness of the perpetrator.52
You can see in these statements that the original definition of microaggressions involved unconscious, unintended hurtful statements or actions. Sue has created confusion by expanding the definition to include both intentional or unintentional, but he essentially acknowledges most of these are unintentional.
Sue's work has been criticized by Scott Lilienfeld, who finds the concept of a microaggressions to be excessively fuzzy. As he stated:
Yet despite the good intentions and passionate embrace of this idea, there is scant real‐world evidence that micro aggressions is a legitimate psychological concept, that it represents unconscious (or implicit) prejudice, that intervention for it works, or even that alleged victims are seriously damaged by these under‐the‐radar acts.53
Lilienfeld certainly affirms that prejudice exists and can manifest as subtle snubs, slights, and insults directed at members of historically marginalized identity groups or through more overtly prejudicial statements or actions. However, he has noted that as a result of the work of some researchers, what has emerged in companies, universities, and in K‐12 education settings are workshops on how to identify and avoid microaggressions. These workshops include disseminated lists of microaggressions to caution against expressing statements that might cause offense. Statements such as “Where are you from?,” “America is a land of opportunity,” or “I believe that the most qualified person should get the job” are considered by Sue and Monnica Williams, another researcher, to be microaggressions.54
Williams suggests that if 30% of people within an identity group find a statement to constitute a microaggression, then it should be considered a microaggression.55 This is her arbitrary figure. Who gets to decide what statements are microaggressions? A study by Lilienfeld found that many of the microaggression statements identified by Sue and Williams are not perceived by most minorities as offensive.56
Another challenge relates to how discussions about microaggressions are being perceived by members of marginalized identity groups. A focus on implicit bias and microaggressions may make them feel more threatened and create the perception that they should always be on the lookout for signs of prejudice. Not only do they have to deal with situations of explicit bias and institutional inequities, they also have to be on the lookout for unintentional hurtful acts – which are yet another reminder of the discrimination they face in our society.
