Edgar Wallace
Smithy and the Hun
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Table of contents
I. — THE MILITARY ANARCHIST
II. — THE HEROICS OF PRIVATE PARKER
III. — AT MONS
IV. — SMITHY ON NEWS
V. — ON THE LAWYER IN WAR
VI. — VON KLUCK’S NEPHEW, GINGER
VII. — ON MEANING WELL
VIII. — THE PERSEVERING SOLDIER
IX. — A DAY WITH THE CROWN PRINCE
X. — NOBBY AND THE LAMB
XI. — SMITHY AND THE MISSING ZEP’LINK
XII. — ON THE GERMAN FLEET
XIII. — On W.O. Genius
XIV. — ON RECRUITING
XV. — THE STRATEGIST
XVI. — SMITHY SURVEYS THE LAND
XVII. — LIEUTENANT X
XVIII. — THE LETTER-WRITER
XIX. — THE WEATHER PROPHET
XX. — THE INTERPRETER
XXI. — NOBBY IN ROMANTIC VEIN
I. — THE MILITARY ANARCHIST
“THE
worst of being a mug,” said Private Smith, “is that you usually
look it. That ain’t my point of view, an’ it’s not original,
bein’ the idea of one of the grandest lawyers that ever went into
the Army. This chap’s name was Grassy, and he joined our battalion
owin’ to some trouble he’d had with his girl.
“Offen
and offen he’s told me an’ Nobby the story.
“‘It
was like this,’ he sez. ‘Me an’ Miss So-an’-so was engaged,
an’ one night me an’ her met at So-an’-so’s. I happened to
remark so-an’-so, and she up an’ said so-an’-so, an’ finished
up by tellin’ me that I was so-an’-so so-an’-so.
“‘After
them illuminatin’ remarks of yourn,’ sez Nobby admirin’ly, ‘I
can’t see what else you could have done,’ he sez. ‘Naturally,
after a lady has said so-an’-so to you, there’s nothin’ left to
do but so-an’-so. What’s your opinion, Smithy?’
“‘So-an’-so,’
I sez.
“Grassy
never spoke out plain in his life. He was one of those fellers who
was always scared of committin’ himself, an’ was always, so to
speak, on his guard against givin’ evidence against himself. One
day on parade he made the drill instructor very wild.
“‘When
I say “Right turn,” what do I mean?’ sez the sergeant.
“‘I
shouldn’t like to say,’ sez Grassy—‘not,’ he sez, ‘in the
presence of witnesses!’
“That
was his game—he was a born lawyer.
“‘It’s
in me blood,’ he told me an’ Nobby one day in the canteen. ‘I
can no more help it than a cat can help likin’ canaries. Me father
was a nusher in a court, an’, so to speak, I’ve imbibed the taste
for lawyerin’.’
“‘Is
it hard to learn?’ sez Nobby.
“Grassy
shook his head.
“‘It
would be to you,’ he sez, ‘but it comes natural to me. It’s
like this,’ he sez. ‘Suppose Richard Doe owes five pound to John
Roe, an’ Richard Doe has give John Roe security for the said amount
with a contingency an’ Richard Roe can’t pay on or about the
appointed day, what does John Doe do?’
“‘Is
that lor?’ sez Nobby, very impressed.
“‘That’s
lor,’ sez Grassy. ‘Now I’ll try you with another. A. promises
B. a house on condition that C. pays B. what B. owes A.—do you
foller me?’
“‘No,’
sez Nobby. ‘But don’t let that stop you.’
“When
Grassy was pinched by the provost-sergeant for breakin’ out of
barracks an’ brought before the colonel he got ten days’ C.B.
“‘Pardon
me, sir,’ sez Grassy; ‘on a question of lor—I’d like to point
out that the police-sergeant had his badge on the wrong arm, which,
in a manner of speakin’, invalidates the aforesaid conviction,’
he sez.
“The
colonel leans back in his chair, sort of weary.
“‘Will
you take my punishment or be tried by court-martial?’ he sez.
“‘On
a point of lor,’ sez Grassy, ‘an’ in view of the famous
precedent of the King v. Cassidy,
I’ll be tried by court-martial, where,’ he sez, ‘the wells of
justice, sir, will be untainted by the prejudice of caste.’
“So
Grassy was tried by court-martial, consistin’ of the adjutant, a
young lieutenant who was scared of the adjutant and did what he was
told, and a chap of the Rifle Brigade, who spent most of the time
examinin’ the probable starters an’ jockeys what he’d got hid
in the Manual of Military Law; an’ the end of it was that Grassy
got fourteen days’ cells. He came out of cells a confirmed
anarchist.
“One
night he came into the canteen, flushed an’ happy, as Mr. Garvis,
the celebrated poet, sez, an’ beckoned me an’ Nobby aside.
“‘Comrades,’
he sez, highly mysterious, ‘I’ve news to impart. We’re goin’
to abolish war.’
“‘That’s
a very serious thing to do,’ sez Nobby. “‘What’s to become of
B Company?’
“‘Us
an’ the Rochester branch,’ sez Grassy, takin’ no notice of
Nobby’s remark, ‘have passed a resolution an’ we’re actin’
with the Paris an’ the Russian an’ German branches. War,’ sez
Grassy, ‘is a thing of the past. The moment it’s declared me an’
40,000,000 others are goin’ on strike. We’re goin’ to down
tools,’ he sez.
“‘In
that case,’ sez Nobby, ‘I’m sorry for you, Grassy, because it
means you are goin’ to sacrifice your jaw.’
“Grassy’s
best pal was a feller named Cheevie. It’s difficult to describe
Cheevie. He was one of those chaps who looked as though somebody had
covered his face with glue and then dipped it in hair. If it was
possible to unshave yourself you’d always look like Cheevie. He was
a great feller on liberty an’ freedom. His idea of liberty was that
if a man didn’t want to pay his debts hisself nobody had the right
to make him. Him and Grassy used to talk by the hour about the
Brotherhood of Man, an’ how we’d all be a gran’ family party if
it wasn’t for tyrants.
“‘Do
you know what my idea of a tyrant is?’ sez Cheevie, very fierce.
“‘Yes,’
sez Nobby. ‘He’s any feller who makes you wash your neck.’
“But
it was on the subject of war that Grassy and Cheevie was most
talkative.
“‘War,’
sez Grassy—‘horrid war! Raisin’ your hydrant head an’
squirtin’ venom down the grooves of time!’
“‘Oh,
crool war!’ sez Cheevie. ‘Never again wilt thy mantle be drawn
from the sheath of madness an’ flown on the masthead of
civilisation’s pinnacle.’
“Then
one day people began to talk about war with Germany. It came all of a
sudden, an’ the excitement amongst the peace-lovin’ infantry was
immense.
“‘I
don’t believe there’s goin’ to be any war,’ sez Grassy; ‘but,
anyway, at the first outbreak we’ve made our plans. We’re sendin’
out 1,000,000 four-page leaflets in English, French, German, Russian,
Spanish, Italian, an’ Irish,’ he sez, ‘work will immediately
stop, factories will cease to fact, an’ collieries will coll no
more; but I don’t think there’ll be any war.’
“That
night his pal Cheevie came up to see him in the canteen.
“‘What
will you do, comrade,’ he sez, ‘if this accursed war breaks out?’
“‘There
ain’t goin’ to be a war,’ sez Grassy.
“‘But
suppose there is—you will lay down your arms?’
“‘Naturally,
comrade,’ sez Grassy.
An’ refuse to slay your
brothers in Germany?’ sez Cheevie.
“‘Trust
me,’ sez Grassy. ‘But there ain’t goin’ to be any war.’
“But
one afternoon the news came to barracks. War was as good as certain,
an’ then the crownin’ news of all that the reserves was to be
called to the colours an’ the Anchesters were warned for active
service.
“It
was one of them holy an’ joyous moments when everybody shook han’s
with anybody. Provost-corporals shook han’s with fellers they’d
pinched in the town; even D Company was on speakin’ terms with A
Company, an’ the quarter-master-sergeant was civil to the orderly
man.
“Cheevie
came into barracks in a state of great excitement. He met me on the
square.
“‘Where
is Comrade Grassy?’ he sez. ‘Is he under arrest for holdin’
them beautiful opinions? Is he in the han’s of British military-ism
for his true, patriotic action in layin’ down his arms? Tell me the
worst,’ he sez, ‘an’ the world shall know.’
“‘He’s
in the canteen,’ I sez.
“‘Ah!’
sez Cheevie. ‘He’s thinkin’ things out.’
“‘No,’
I sez. ‘He’s drinkin’ things in.’
“I
followed Cheevie to the canteen. There was ole Grassy, talkin’
nineteen to the dozen.
“‘Comrade,’
sez Cheevie, seizin’ him by the hand, ‘the blow has fallen, the
die is cast away; to your own self be true, as dear old Comrade
Shakespeare sez, an’ it follers you can’t find fault with any
other man.’
“‘Halloa,
Cheevie!’ sez Grassy, very cold.
“‘Comrade—say,
comrade,’ sez Cheevie, most earnest, ‘what are you goin’ to
do?’
“‘What
am I goin’ to do?’ sez Grassy, amazed. ‘Why, I’m goin’ on
active service,’ he sez, very loud, ‘accordin’ to the lor.’
“‘But,
comrade,’ sez Cheevie, very agitated, ‘you ain’t going to kill
your brother German!’
“Grassy
glared at him.
“‘Don’t
you go castin’ aspersions on my marksmanship,’ he sez, very
fierce, ‘and don’t you call me comrade, me man.’
“‘What
about your opinions?’ sez Cheevie.
They’re temp’ary
suspended,’ sez Grassy, ‘under martial law,’ he sez, an’,
turning to the fellers who was standin’ round him, he sez: ‘As I
was saying when this low feller interrupted me, the best way to kill
a German is to shoot him in the stomach——’”
II. — THE HEROICS OF PRIVATE PARKER
“I
OFTEN wonder,” said Private Smith, thoughtfully, “if Nosy will
come back to what I might term ‘the fold’ in answer to one of
them stirrin’ appeals which the taxi-drivers are makin’ to their
feller-creatures.
“Fellers
are joinin’ the Army now in a different spirit to what Nosy joined,
and, anyway, Nosy’s settled down.
“But
havin’, in a way, the dramatic instinct in his blood, he’s just
as likely to arrive unexpectedly.
“He
was a fattish feller, by the name of Parker—hence the expression
‘Nosy’—but in civil life he was called Mister Parker, owin’
to his wearin’ a watch an’ chain an’ sleeve-links.
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!
Lesen Sie weiter in der vollständigen Ausgabe!