I. — THE ADJUTANT'S MADNESS
II. — MILITARY MOTORING
III. — ADVERTISING THE ARMY
IV. — ARMY MANNERS
V. — THE UMPIRE
VI. — ERUDITION
VII. — BERTIE
VIII. — NOBBY'S PART
IX. — THE CLAIRVOYANT
X. — BOOTS
XI. — JU-JITSU
XII. — THE NEW OFFICER
XIII. — THE AGITATOR
XIV. — MISSING WORDS
XV. — THE NEW RULES
XVI. — THE CHEF
XVII. — THE JOURNALIST
XVIII. — THE PHOTOGRAPHER
XIX. — THE BOOKMAKER
XX. — BACK TO CIVIL LIFE
XXI. — BROTHERS
XXII. — THE GHOST OF HEILBRON KOPJE
XXIII. — SACRIFICE
I. — THE ADJUTANT'S MADNESS
MILITARY "crime"
is not crime at all, as we law-abiding citizens recognize it.
The outbreak in the
Anchester Regiment was not a very serious affair; from what I can
gather, it mostly took the form of breaking out of barracks after
"lights out."
But, explained Smithy, it
got a bit too thick, and one of the consequences was that the guard
was doubled, pickets were strengthened, and the ranks of the
regimental military police were, as a temporary measure, considerably
augmented. I explain this for the benefit of my military readers, who
may wonder how it was that both Smithy and Nobby Clark happened to be
together on Number One post on the night of The Adjutant's Madness.
"I was tellin' the
troops only the other night," said Smithy, "what would
'appen if they didn't give over actin' the billy goat.
"'Some of you
bloomin' recruits,' I sez, 'think you're doin' somethin' very
wonderful, climbin' over the wall, an' goin' into town when you ought
to be in bed asleep; but it's the likes of me, an' Nobby, and 'Appy
Johnson, chaps with twelve years' service, who's got to suffer. I'll
bet you old Uncle Bill will start doublin' the guard to-morrer.'
"'Don't be down
'arted; Nobby sez; 'take a brighter view of life, Smithy.'
"Sure enough, next
day it came out in orders that the guard was to be doubled, an' me
an' Nobby was for it.
"When we mounted
guard, the Adjutant, old Umferville, came over an' inspected us.
"'Who's first relief
on Number One post?' 'e sez.
"'Clark an' Smith,
sir,' sez the sergeant.
"'I don't want you
chaps to make too much noise walkin' about, or shoutin',' sez the
Adjutant, an' I'm blowed if 'is face wasn't as red as a piller-box.
"'What's the matter
with Uncle Bill?' sez Nobby, as we was marchin' off.
"'I believe 'e's
frightened about somethin',' I sez, puzzled.
"Number One post is
between the back of the Adjutant's 'ouse and the wall where the chaps
nip over. It used to be the Colonel's 'ouse; but when Uncle Bill got
married a couple of years ago, the Colonel generously 'anded it over,
an' took an 'ouse in town that wasn't so damp.
"It was the most
excitin' guard me an' Nobby ever did, an' it was all through Uncle
Bill. You never saw such goin's on in your life. 'E dodged in an' out
of 'is 'ouse all day long. 'E'd start to walk across the square, then
stop, as if 'e'd forgot something, then walk back to the 'ouse, then
walk out again, then stop an' bite 'is nails an' stare more ghastly
at nothin'.
"Once as 'e was
passin', me an' Nobby shouldered arms to 'im, an' e stopped dead an'
looked at us. 'E didn't move, but stood stock still for about five
minutes starin' at me an' Nobby, sayin' nothin', an' me and Nobby
felt quite uncomfortable.
"'Everything all
right, sentry?' 'e sez at last.
"'Yes, sir,' sez me
an' Nobby.
"'Sentry—' 'e sez,
then stopped.
"'Which one, sir?'
sez Nobby, an' the officer stared.
"'Are there two of
you?' 'e sez.
"'Yes, sir,' sez me
an' Nobby, an' e got very red an' muttered somethin' an' walked off.
"We was talkin' about
it in the guardroom that night when we was drinkin' our guard
allowance—one pint a man, accordin' to regulations. All the other
chaps 'ad noticed Uncle Bill's strangeness, too.
"'It's drink,' sez
Nobby, shakin' 'is 'ead. 'Wot a pity to see a pore young chap go
wrong, all for the sake of the cursed liquor—after you with that
pot, Smithy.'
"'You've 'ad your
whack, Nobby,' I sez; 'don't come it on a pal.'
"'Did I?' sez Nobby.
'I must 'ave been thinkin' of the Adjutant.'
"'I think 'es
'aunted,' sez a chap from 'D'—a young chap.
"''Aunted!' sez
Nobby, scornful. 'Why, there ain't no ghosts after Christmas,
fat'ead!'
"'Never mind about
Christmas,' sez the young chap; 'it's my belief 'es 'aunted, there's
a spirit or somethin' follerin' 'im about.'
'Dry up,' sez Nobby,
shudderin', for me an' im was on the worst relief, ten to midnight,
an' four to six.
"When we mounted at
'last post' Nobby sez to me:—
"'Do you think
there's anythin' in that ghost idea, Smith?'
"'No,' I sez.
'Still,' I sez, 'you never know.'
"'What's that?' sez
Nobby, pointin' to a shadder movin' along the wall. So I shouts
"''Alt!—who goes
there? '
"It turned out to be
little Bobby Burns tryin' to break out of barracks, an' me an' Nobby
captured 'im an' shoved 'im in the clink.
"Just before twelve
me an' Nobby was standin' at ease, when we 'eard a most 'orrid groan.
We jumps round with our 'arts in our mouths, an' there was the
Adjutant in is overcoat an' slippers.
"'What the dickens
are you starin' at?' 'e sez.
"'Beg pardon, sir,'
stammers Nobby, 'I thought you was a ghost!'
"But the Adjutant
didn't seem to 'ear what we said. 'E just walks up an' down mutterin'
to hisself. Bimeby 'e sez, 'Keep a sharp look-out, an' don't make too
much noise—d'ye hear, you Clark ; d'ye 'ear, you Smith?' 'e sez
fiercely.
"'Yes, sir,' sez me
an' Nobby; an' then the Adjutant went indoors.
"'Drink,' sez Nobby
solemnly. 'Let this be a warnin' to you, Smithy.'
"When we come on duty
again at four in the mornin', the two chaps we relieved looked scared
out of their lives. 'I shall be bloomin' glad when its daylight,' sez
one of 'em; 'we've 'ad an 'orrid time.'
"'Ow so?' sez Nobby.
"'The Adjutant's gone
orf 'is napper: mad, that's wot 'e is,' sez the chap. ' 'E's bin
walkin' up an' down talkin' to 'isself an' moanin' an' chuckin' 'is
arms about.'
"'Nice thing, ain't
it?' sez Nobby, after we was posted; 'if you ask me—why, 'ere the
beggar comes again.'
"'What shall we do?'
I sez.
"'Wait till 'e gets
violent, then bang 'im with the butt of your rifle.'
"'You do it,' I sez.
"'No, you'd better do
it, Smithy; you're the oldest soldier!'
"Up comes Umferville,
and I'll take my oath there was tears in 'is eyes.
"'Sentry' 'e sez in a
chokin' voice, 'challenge all persons approachin' your post.'
"'Yes, sir,' sez me
an' Nobby.
"'Don't allow nobody
to pass without challengin', ' 'e sez wildly, an' then run back to
'is 'ouse like mad.
"'Balmy,' sez Nobby;
'let's go an' tell the sergeant.'
"'Better wait,' I
sez. So we waited.
"'The beggar 'ain't
bin to bed,' sez Nobby after a bit, 'there's lights in all the
rooms.'
"'I wonder what 'is
missus thinks,' I sez, an' I felt sorry for Mrs. Umferville, who's a
lady bred an' born.
"It wanted about an
hour to daybreak when out rushes the Adjutant again an' makes
straight for us.
"''Ere 'e comes,' I
sez, liftin' up the butt of my rifle. 'Nobby, you're evidence that I
only 'it 'im to save your life,' I sez.
"'Your life!' sez
Nobby hastily.
"Up comes Umferville,
sort of laughin' an' cryin'.
"'Sentry,' e sez,
'wot about your orders?'
"'Wot orders, sir?' I
sez.
"'Some one's come
into barracks,' 'e sez excitedly, an' you 'aven't challenged 'im.'
"''E ain't passed
'ere,' sez me an' Nobby together.
"'Yes, 'e 'as,' sez
the Adjutant. 'Listen'
"We listens.
"''Ear anythin'?' sez
the Adjutant.
Suddenly Nobby lets out a
yell.
"'Guard, turn out,'
'e shouts, an' out come the guard with a run.
"'Wot's up?' sez the
sergeant of the guard.
"'Present arms!' sez
Nobby, 'to the Adjutant's new baby,' 'e sez."
