The Callused Knees E-Book

George Kulp

• Herausgeber: Darolt Books
• Kategorie: Religion und Spiritualität
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 277

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Beschreibung

While but a boy less than ten years old I heard my father speak of a book that he prized highly, and quoted frequently, because it told of one who was much gifted in prayer, and who through prayer achieved mighty results for God. I long tried to secure a copy of that book, but found it had gone out of print. I regretted this very much; more especially so, as the book would be an inspiration and blessing to any child of God. Within the last two years, having providentially discovered a copy in the home of an old English saint, I have been impressed that I should put at least a portion of this book before the public such excerpts as would portray this man of God on his knees. "The gift of the knees" comes through practice; Heaven's choicest blessings await the man who waits on God. My earliest recollections are a blessing to me, as I recall the stalwart men who would pray until the heavens would bend, tears start, and shouts ascend to the God who heard and answered. This work is sent forth in humble faith and prayer that it may prove an inspiration to men and women to ''pray without ceasing," knowing by experience "they that wait upon the Lord do renew their strength, they mount up with wings as eagles, they run and are not weary, they walk and are not faint." "And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up into a mountain apart to pray, and He was there alone." Who will go with him? 

Leseprobe

FOREWORD

      While but a boy less than ten years old I heard my father speak of a book that he prized highly, and quoted frequently, because it told of one who was much gifted in prayer, and who through prayer achieved mighty results for God. I long tried to secure a copy of that book, but found it had gone out of print. I regretted this very much; more especially so, as the book would be an inspiration and blessing to any child of God. Within the last two years, having providentially discovered a copy in the home of an old English saint, I have been impressed that I should put at least a portion of this book before the public such excerpts as would portray this man of God on his knees. "The gift of the knees" comes through practice; Heaven's choicest blessings await the man who waits on God. My earliest recollections are a blessing to me, as I recall the stalwart men who would pray until the heavens would bend, tears start, and shouts ascend to the God who heard and answered.

      This work is sent forth in humble faith and prayer that it may prove an inspiration to men and women to ''pray without ceasing," knowing by experience "they that wait upon the Lord do renew their strength, they mount up with wings as eagles, they run and are not weary, they walk and are not faint." "And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up into a mountain apart to pray, and He was there alone." Who will go with him? 

Chapter 1: A Man Sent from God Whose Name was John

      "I would that men should pray always."

      "Pray without ceasing."

      Author Geo. H. Hubbard, in his book "Spiritual Power at Work." evidently has given much thought and prayer to the subject says: "No religion can be dynamic without prayer. A prayerless religion is a mere philosophy, and philosophy at best is static, not dynamic. Prayer is the channel through which the divine power of the Holy Spirit is brought to bear upon our human machinery to make it effective in accomplishing desired results. Religion without prayer is like a trolley line with tracks all laid, cars in good condition, but no wires connecting with the power house."

      We must keep in touch with God, heed the exhortations of His Word, use the means therein indicated, if we would prove every promise true. Our fathers were men of prayer. Apostles, martyrs, reformers, men who were pioneers for God, and blazed the way we should follow, were eminently men of prayer. The promises that encouraged them are still on record, and we may prove them and know experimentally their power. God has had witnesses in all ages, the path that leads to eternal triumph is marked by the footprints of men who took His way, followed His precepts, and won many souls who shall shine in the diadem of Jesus "while light and life and being last, or immortality endures." The need of the church militant today is men and women who pray; not "say prayers," but pray  wait on God. The divinest element in prayer is perseverance. "Wait, I say, on the Lord."

      John Smith  not Rev. John Smith, D. D., LL. D.,  but plain John Smith, sent of God, and by godly parents named John, was a living example and exemplar of the power that energizes the soul, body, thoughts, words and labors of the man who minds God and prays unceasingly. He was known among his brethren, and wherever he labored, as "John Smith." It is quite refreshing in these days when men are angling for titles, pulling wires for "honorary degrees," having petitions sent in to Boards of Trustees begging for a title, putting names on door plates and hotel registers with "D. D." attached, to find a strong character known, loved, revered, and sought after as, John Smith. A perusal of these pages will reveal the secret of his power. He was a man pursuing Bible methods, minding the Holy Spirit, and living for the glory of God. He had a passion for souls, an intense longing to get people saved, that impelled him to vehemently urge them to forsake sin and yield themselves unto God. Nothing that men could add by way of "honors" would have increased his power; he looked unto God, kept yoked to Omnipotence by faith, and almost lived in the "power house."

      Victor Hugo says: "If you would civilize a man, you must begin with his grandmother." Godliness in parents is profitable unto their children. The subject of these pages was born of godly parents at Cudworth, England, January 12th, 1794. His father for many years was a class-leader and local preacher in the Methodist Church, while his mother adorned her profession and exerted a holy influence in her own home, neighborhood, and church that told for God. From his earliest infancy he was placed under the direction and loving restraints of a model Christian home, where he was carefully instructed in the verities of God's Word and the truths of Christianity. The Spirit wrought with him at a very early age, and when but nine years old he was powerfully affected by a concern for his soul under a sermon by a local preacher from Psalm 144:15, "Happy is the people ... whose God is the Lord." His serious impressions wore off and he manifested an ardent and headstrong spirit. At times he was mischievous, and the result at one time would have been of the most serious kind had it not been for a merciful Providence. His sports were of a bold, boisterous and wicked kind. He would even attend the prayer-meetings held in his native village to collect material for the mirth of his ungodly companions, and being endowed with extraordinary powers of mimicry, he would amuse them by striking and ridiculous imitations of the peculiarities which he had observed in the pious persons who conducted these means of grace. During the time that he remained at home, he was, of course, prevented from the full indulgence of his depraved propensities; but when about fourteen years of age, being placed as an apprentice with a grocer at Sheffield, and of consequence more free from control, he became decidedly wicked. He conducted himself generally in so irregular a manner, that, after two years, his employer, unable any longer to endure his bad conduct, sent him back to his parents. He then obtained a situation at Barnsley, in the same line of business. Here he even gave up attendance at a place of worship, and thus broke the last link which seemed to connect him with the principles and example of his pious parents. He associated himself, without restraint, with other ungodly young men, and had his natural corruption increased, and his habits of evil confirmed, by their example and counsels. He imitated their profane language, and learned to blaspheme the God of his father. As far as his means permitted, he became a gambler, and contracted a strong passion for wrestling, and other athletic exercises, especially for pugilistic contests. He often traveled considerable distances to attend prize fights, and actually put himself under the training of scientific boxers. These pursuits led him into debasing society, which was congenial to his corrupt affections. He became an adept, and an enthusiast in vice, and gloried in the awful distinction which an athletic body and a desperate mind enabled him to maintain among his sinful associates.

      But even in this course of sin, there could easily be discerned indications of the same natural character which afterwards, under the influence of the Holy Spirit, rendered him so distinguished a Christian and minister. Here was the energy which in good or evil allowed him to be satisfied with nothing like a medium of feeling or exertion. Here was the strong, concentrated passion urging him on by its hurricane power, to the utter abandonment of religion, which, in a brighter era of his life, became the impulse of generous sacrifice, self-devotion and labor. If he now spurned reproof, rejected all care of reputations, and hardened himself against every suggestion of peril on account of sin, he was equally daring and independent when "the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus" became the object of his emulation. The popularity which, by his highly social qualities, he acquired among the vain and worldly persons by whom he was at this time surrounded, was succeeded, in a more honorable period of his history, by the warm Christian attachment of all who had the privilege of his intimacy. It is a melancholy fact, also, that he was a sinner of influence; and there were some of his companions in vanity who, according to human probability, were prevented from the choice of a religious life, only by the fascinations of his society. How fully, as a Christian and a Christian minister, he exerted a similar power over those with whom he associated, the succeeding pages will tend to show.

      The extreme profligacy of some who have had a religious education is no evidence of their having forgotten the pious instructions of their childhood. In fact, paradoxical as it may appear, their resolute abandonment of themselves to vicious practices is, in not a few cases, a proof of the depth and permanence of their previous impressions. Next to making him virtuous, the best effect of admonition on a sinner is to make him unhappy. Dissipation is an indication of a mind ill at ease. The natural posture of happiness is calmness and repose, and where men are not fully stupefied by the influence of sin, the love of reputation, and many similar principles of counteraction, will frequently lead them to moderation in pursuit of forbidden pleasures. On the other hand, where there still remains a considerable degree of moral sensibility, the spirit seeks, in the perpetual hurry of business or vice, to still the voice of conscience, and to overcome the striving of the Spirit. This, of course, will be more apparent in persons of such great power of feeling as was possessed by the subject of these pages.

Chapter 2: Behold He Prayeth

      "Repent and be ye converted."

      "Except ye be converted, ye shall in no wise enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

      The patience, counsel and prayers, with godly example of praying parents, are not forgotten before Him as a memorial. Again and again has it been proven true the prayers of a father or a mother avail much with God. We were very much impressed and encouraged as we read a short time ago the following incident right along this line. Father, mother, read it and be encouraged; pray on; God is faithful; He will answer.

      The President of the Sunday Breakfast Association, Philadelphia, Mr. Lewis U. Bean, relates the following:

      "One Sunday morning, on my arrival at the old church, a gentleman stepped up and said: 'There is a lady on the platform upstairs, wearing a sealskin coat, who wishes to see you.' I went up to her. She said: 'Oh, sir, can't you help me find my poor lost boy?' and tears ran down her face. She said he had run away from home three years ago, when about thirteen, and as far as she knew he was a tramp. I said to her: 'Are you a praying, Christian woman?' 'Yes, and a member of the Presbyterian Church.' 'How came you here to seek your boy?' 'I thought he might be in the congregation.' After getting the boy's name, I stepped to the front, and called for him, but no reply came. After two or three inquiries, I went to the lower room, into the overflow meeting, and made the same inquiry, but without response. After standing on the platform a little while, in deep meditation and prayer, I stepped down through one of the narrow aisles, where I never go excepting to see some one or on special business, and about one-third of the way down the aisle I stopped, with my hand under my chin, and thought: 'It cannot be possible that God will send a poor, broken-hearted Christian mother on a fool's errand after her boy. Lord, show us where to find the boy.' Then at my right elbow I saw a young fellow, dirty all over, looking almost like a colored person, and as if he had not had a bath for months, or as if he might have just arrived in the city under a freight car, after many miles' travel. He said: 'What did you say the boy's name was?' I said, 'You know his name better than I do; you are the boy.' He burst into tears, and said: 'Yes, I am the boy. What are you going to do with me?' evidencing at once that he had been doing something criminal and expected arrest. He went with me behind a large partition in the back of the room, while I went and beckoned to the mother. I stayed between her and the boy, so that she could not see him until I stepped aside. When the mother discovered the boy, they both made a wild rush for each other and were gathered in each other's arms. Such a scene of love and affection I never before witnessed. The mother would press him to her bosom, kiss and hug him, and then hold him at arm's length to be sure that she was not mistaken, while I stood with my head against the partition and big tears ran down my face and dropped to the bare floor. She cried out, 'Oh, my boy! my boy! Why did you not come home?' He said, 'Mother, I didn't know that you would allow me to come home.'

      "We men folks know little or absolutely nothing about a mother's love for her children, and yet we are told in Scripture that a mother may forget her child, but Christ never forgets His children. After breakfast the mother took her boy home. Some time afterward one of the cleanest, brightest, nicest young men came to me and asked me if I remembered about that boy. 'Yes,' I said, 'I do.' 'I am the boy,' he said. 'You cannot be the boy,' said I. 'What are you doing?' 'I am in business in our little town, living with mother. I joined the church, and I am teaching a Sunday School class.' I gave a shout: 'Amen! praise the Lord!' Will any one who doubts the efficacy of prayer please tell us how it came that this mother came to the Sunday Breakfast Association that Sunday morning, never having been there before in her life, and that this boy should have arrived from the far west about two o'clock that Sunday morning, having ridden underneath coal and freight cars all the way?"

      In the Spring of 1812 it pleased God to visit Cudworth with a gracious revival of His work in answer to the prayers of His people. Several persons were awakened and converted, and, among others, a cousin of John Smith. On Sunday, April 5th, of that year, John, with one of his companions, came over from Barnsley to Cudworth. He there saw what had been done for others, and his mind was much affected. In the course of the day his pious mother conversed with him at large on his miserable condition; and, when he was about to return, she said to him: "You are wandering about in search of happiness, but you will never find it till you turn to God." Her conversation produced so powerful an effect on him, that he abruptly left her, lest she should notice his emotion. He and his companion had not proceeded far on their journey home before Smith suddenly stopped, and, with a deep groan, and a gesture expressive of strong determination, exclaimed: "I am resolved to lead a new life." As soon as he had uttered this resolution, he felt a measure of satisfaction to which he had before been an entire stranger; and he immediately proposed to return, and attend the prayer-meeting which was that evening to be held at Cudworth. When he arrived at the chapel, the meeting had begun. He entered, however, and almost instantly the agitation of his mind became uncontrollable. He cried aloud and besought the friends to pray for him. The meeting closed, but he obtained no relief. Several others who were in distress accompanied him to his father's house, where another meeting commenced. Mr. Smith, the father, had been out on the circuit filling an appointment. His feelings may be imagined when on entering his home the first objects which presented themselves were two of his children, in deep agony of soul crying unto God for mercy. One of them was the prodigal upon whom he had expended so many tears and prayers, and for whom he had undergone such deep anxiety. God answers the prayers of the distressed youth that night, and brought him into glorious liberty, filling his heart with peace and joy in believing. The next day he was again brought into bondage by giving way for a moment to the hastiness of his temper, and for awhile he walked in great darkness and disquiet. He was encouraged, however, by the advice and intercession of some Christian friends, again to trust in the atonement of Christ and the comfort of the Holy Spirit once more returned to his soul. From that time, there is reason to believe, to the day of his death, he walked uninterruptedly in the light of God's countenance.

      Perhaps these pages may fall into the hands of some pious parent, who has to mourn over the irreligion of a dear child. To such the conversion of John Smith ought to be a source of the highest encouragement. No condition, surely, can be marked by a more obvious alienation from the spirit and practice of Christianity, than that in which the mercy of God found him. In his case, there is the strongest illustration of the honor which the Almighty will put upon the Labors of godly parents. The Holy Spirit is the Giver of pious and compunctious recollections. Christ expressly promised that the Comforter should recall to the minds of the disciples whatsoever He had declared to them during His personal ministry. (John 14:26.) The instructions of pious parents are treasured up in the secret cells of memory, hidden, it is true, for a time, and perhaps supposed to be forgotten. But the time will come, when the energy of the Spirit will quicken them, and they shall stand forth in the sudden broad light of Heaven, endued with accumulated power to astonish and confound the heart of the careless and ungodly child. It may be in the hour of sickness, or in some other time of darkness; it may be when shame and want shall have driven away the companions of his dissipation. He may be far from the influence and example of his Christian instructors. He may have hardened his heart and stiffened his neck, and given himself to the companionship of the infidel and scoffer, but there is no condition so remote from piety, as not to be within reach of the mercy of God, and He has promised His Spirit to the seed of Jacob, and His blessing to the children of His servants. Isa. 44:3.

Chapter 3: Preparation for Life Work

      "Study to show thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed."

      "Search the Scriptures; they are they which testify of Me."

      John Smith was faithful to his opportunities. He was a new creature  old things had passed away  old associations and places knew him no more. He had an appetite for the things of God, and a strong attachment for the house of God, and the means of grace. He "loved much," having been "forgiven much."

      One of the first and most striking evidences of the Divine change which had taken place in his heart, was an insatiable appetite for the Word of God. His long-neglected Bible was now resorted to, as a source of the highest delight. On the day after he obtained the evidence of the favor of God, he read about thirty chapters. He kept the sacred volume upon the counter of the shop in which he was employed, and at every opportunity flew to it with the most ardent desire and relish. He naturally possessed a very quick and retentive memory, and at this time he learned several of the New Testament epistles. The practice of committing to memory large portions of the Scriptures he continued in after years, and found it productive of great comfort and advantage. His earnest love of God's book remained with him during the whole of his life, and his acquaintance with it was remarkably extensive and perfect.

      He also became distinguished for his habitual devotion. This was in his case peculiarly necessary. When his former sensualizing and degrading course of life is considered, and the steadfast alienation of his mind from God, as well as the natural strength of his passions, it is not too much to affirm that he required an extraordinary measure of inward religion. Persons of constitutional equanimity, and generally moral conduct, cannot calculate on the temptations and difficulties which await a babe in Christ of the character of John Smith. The measure of grace which suffices to maintain them in a regular course of consistent, and it may be even eminent, goodness, would have been totally inadequate to a successful encounter with the obstacles which crowded his path. The constant sense of his peril appears to have been exceedingly vivid on his mind. He lived, therefore, in jealous watchfulness, and spent a large portion of his leisure hours in intercourse with Heaven. In retired in fields, in woods, and other places of concealment, he was accustomed to wrestle with God, till he was copiously baptized by the Spirit. His very intimate friend, the Rev. William Henry Clarkson, states, that "one day, soon after his conversion, being under temptation, he retired into a cavern where he continued for a considerable time in prayer, till he felt such an overshadowing of the Divine presence as overwhelmed him, and he has been heard to say "that had he not often had such visits from the Lord, he never should have been able to persevere in the Christian warfare."

      Another of the qualities which distinguished his subsequent career and now began to manifest itself, was his concern for the condition of sinners. He took every opportunity of visiting and conversing with his former associates on their spiritual welfare. He detailed what God had done for him, he reproved their vices, and entreated them to abandon their sins, assuring them of the readiness of the Savior to receive them. His course was not without success, and he had the happiness of seeing two of his former companions saved and uniting with the church, the first fruits of a mighty harvest.

      Having become sensible of the value of mental cultivation, and of his responsibility for the exercise of his intellectual powers, he referred with great regret to the time which had been so entirely lost to improvement of this kind. He began religiously to cultivate his mind as a duty, and as he did this his piety increased, and his mental improvement. Friends interested in him noticing this, made arrangements to send him to school, and accordingly, in May, 1813, he was placed under the care of Mr. James Sigston, of Leeds, being now twenty years of age.

      Ignorance and mental imbecility are no auxiliaries to Christianity, though sometimes associated with it. The religion of the New Testament, though it has frequently found a race of men in a state of intellectual prostration, has never left them so. The world at large is indebted to religion for all that exalts man as a thinking being, more than to all other causes combined. When the requisite and promised influence of the Holy Spirit accompanies the lawful use of study, Christianity assumes a higher and more influential character, and those who thus entrust their talents to the Master's use, become vessels of honor to His glory. Mr. Smith applied himself vigorously to his studies that he might be more useful. He attained a perfect acquaintance with his own language, and a gentleman of classical education, who enjoyed his intimacy at a subsequent period, remarked, that of all men he had even known, Mr. Smith possessed the most accurate and extensive syntactical knowledge. He had also a high regard and relish for the best English authors, both in theology and general literature. His taste for poetry was chaste and classical, and he had a feeling of its beauties far superior to that of many more perfectly cultivated minds. He so diligently prosecuted his studies that he was soon deemed qualified to act occasionally as a teacher in the school. In 1814 he became a regular assistant, and then came his call to the ministry.

Chapter 4: Call to the Ministry

      "The Word of the Lord came unto me saying, I sanctified thee, and ordained thee a prophet."

      "Gird up thy loins and arise, and speak unto them all that I command thee."

      "Here am I; send me."

      Children dedicated to God, and nurtured in prayer, are very apt to be found at last where God wants them. Men and women with a passion for souls, and a determination to fit themselves for God's will, whatever that may be, will get to the right place. The secret of many a life spent in the ministry, or in mission fields, is to be found in a dedication to God for His work before they were born.

      In a large church in a great city a little group of ministers and delegates assembled to ordain an assistant pastor. They filled only a few front seats in the vast auditorium, but they were men of note, and most of them met the candidate for the first time. Among them sat, unrecognized by most of them, a little old man in clerical attire, who gave closest attention to the proceedings.

      The young man presented his diploma from a small college, his diploma from the theological seminary in the city, and other credentials customary at such gatherings, and the examination proceeded in regular form, developing, as it went on, his life story.

      Born in a home missionary parsonage, living through his boyhood in several small and isolated villages, educated in a remote and struggling college, he had come to his theological studies with a well-trained mind, a strong and deep purpose that was tinged with passion for humanity, and a life clean and robust and strong. The three years of city life and of special study had enriched his mind, added cultivation to his equipment, and broadened his outlook without abating his zeal or lessening his spiritual earnestness. He was fulfilling his life purpose  a purpose he did not remember to have formed  when he gave himself to the ministry, nor had he any recollection of struggle in the consecration of self to the higher life of the soul. To him it had all been normal. The processes had been logical and sweetly reasonable.

      The council retired for its deliberations, and the vote for the ordination of the young man was unanimous and hearty. But before the council recalled the visitors to the auditorium to announce its decision, and to assign the several parts for the ordination services to follow in the evening, it was suggested that it would be a pleasant and courteous thing to call in the aged father and say a word of felicitation to him concerning the promise and rare spirit of his son.

      The old man re-entered the auditorium, walked down its long, carpeted aisle, and was introduced by the moderator with words of hearty congratulation. His eyes and heart were full, and it was with difficulty he controlled his voice. Then he said, "You haven't yet learned the secret of my boy's life. When his mother and I were married we prayed to God for a son, and promised Him that our first-born should be His. When he was born, I took him in my arms and carried him up to my study, and kneeling there among my books, I gave him to God. And I felt in my soul that day the assurance of what I now experience.

      "Before he was two years old he was sick unto death. Four physicians, two of them from this very city, called, at great expense, to save his life, declared he could not live till morning, and left us alone with him. But we could not believe he was to die, and we asked God for his life. For six weeks I never removed my clothing, but in the end he lived.

      "He grew up generous, light-hearted without frivolity, courageous without being rude, strong and gentle, and always a child of God.

      "His mother passed on and did not live to see this day. But I have lived through all these days of faith and struggle, and now I can sing, like Simeon of old, 'Lord, now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace, for mine eyes have seen thy salvation.' Whatever he does and wherever he preaches, I know my boy will be true."

      The little, thin form rose to higher stature. The voice that began low and with hesitation rose to prophetic earnestness. The men gathered about listened with breathless interest. And when he sat down no one could speak, but every one was thinking that with such a heritage it was little wonder that the young man was what they had discovered him to be.

      John Smith heard the call of God  saw fields white unto harvest and few laborers. He undertook the duty of carrying the message, with much fear and hesitation. The first time it had been arranged for him to address a congregation, he could not summon sufficient resolution to fulfill his engagement. At the advice and entreaty of some of his friends, he a second time promised to make the attempt; but it is probable that, had it not been for the remonstrance of his friend, Mr. Stoner, he would not even then have ventured. "As the time approached, he yielded again to timidity, and retired to the teacher's room, intending not to make his appearance at the place appointed. Mr. Stoner was in the room. 'I thought,' said he to Mr. Smith, 'that you had agreed to preach tonight.' 'Yes,' said the other, with much hesitation and embarrassment; 'but I must give it up.' 'What!' rejoined Mr. Stoner, with severe and powerful emphasis, 'do you mean then to ruin yourself? This pointed question, resting a compliance with acknowledged duty on a regard to personal safety, produced the desired result."

      The place at which Mr. Smith commenced his public labors was a school-room in Park Lane, where Mr. Stoner himself, some time before, had preached his first sermon. His text was Proverbs 18:24: "There is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother." The embarrassment which he felt upon this occasion was most painful both to himself and his hearers. After having proceeded with great difficulty for some short time, he was compelled to tell the congregation that he could not address them any longer, and he sat down in a state of distress, such as may be anticipated from so humbling an issue of a first attempt. His want of suitable expressions seemed to be the cause of his failure in this instance, and, indeed, for several years afterwards he was not infrequently straitened in his pulpit labors from the same circumstance.

      The ill success of Mr. Smith's first attempt to deliver a sermon tended, of course, to increase his indisposition to the work of the ministry, and it was probably some time before he made a second. It was not till the Christmas quarterly meeting following, that he was proposed to be taken on the plan as a probationary local preacher. His name was introduced at the local preacher's meeting by Mr. William Nelson, who had been his fellow-assistant at Mr. Sigston's, and who was at the time gradually sinking under the power of a disease which ultimately proved fatal. Mr. Smith, who was spending the vacation with his parents, received the intelligence of his having been appointed to preach a trial-sermon, in a letter from his dying friend, whose case had just then been declared hopeless by his medical attendants. Mr. Nelson, in the conclusion of his communication, says: "It is settled that you are to take my plan. I hope to live to see you return, but that is only known to God."