The First Time E-Book

Karin Linnander

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Für Kinder und Jugendliche
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 78

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2017

Beschreibung

Things aren't going too well for Paula right now. She's new in town, has stress at home and is unhappily in love. And the other girls arae not only more good-looking than she - they are all involved with boys and even have hot stuff going on. She's the only one who's left behind. And whereas the others go to Cancun for the holidays, she's supposed to go to her aunt somewhere boring on the shore of Lake Michigan. But then a lot of things start happening - with Matthew and love and her body. And she discovers that a lot of stuff is not at all the way the others have been telling her.

Leseprobe

Acknowledgements

I wish to thank from the bottom of my heart all the women who have put their trust in me. Many girls and young women have told their story in my groups and have been listenting intently to each other. Mothers and girlfriends have also shared their experiences with me. Each one of them have in their own way contributed to Paula’s story. Without them this little book would never have seen the light of day.

I especially wish to thank the author and journalist Patricia Mangelsdorff, who with her ideas and her linguistic sensitivity significantly contributed to the writing of this book. Also a great thanks to my dear husband Sten Linnander for translating the book to English and to Razel Wolf for tweaking the language for the teenage audience.

About the author

Karin Linnander has been teaching courses for adolescent girls for over 15 years, often in schools and public facilities. They focus on the transition to womanhood and the preparation for “the first time”. Having completed her studies of German language and literature, she studied Psychology and Counseling (M. A., Prescott College, Arizona, USA), focusing on youth sexuality.

Karin Linnander has a psychological practice of her own and offers seminars for holistic personality development and phenomenological systemic constellation work. She has for several years been offering rites of passage for youths and adults, which she has adapted to today’s world. She lives with her husband in Frankfurt am Main.

To contact her write to [email protected]

Table of Contents

April to June

July to Manistee

Back home again: September to December

Paula’s diary, Friday, April 14

“... what a rotten day! I wish I could have vanished into thin air. And never come back. Instead I was there, upside down, hot and as red as a beet. Smirks on everyone’s face.

I must have hung on that high bar for two minutes. I can never do those stupid pullovers anyway. But the thing with my t-shirt totally freaked me out so I couldn’t do anything. I thought “put on something loose so noone can see your flab.” Then, of course, I forget to tuck my t-shirt in. I get so stressed by the damned phys ed test, I can’t think right. So there I am, hanging with my head down – and my t-shirt has all the time in the world to slide up. They were ALL on their benches, staring at me. I don’t even want to think about what they all saw. My untoned tummy and that embarrassing bra... Oh God, can I just die now and forget it all? The worst thing is that Eric was watching the whole time!!!!!!! I feel sick.”

Paula’s diary, Sunday afternoon, April 16

“... All weekend long I’ve been thinking about the high bar. And then Mom and Dad had this big fight. I couldn’t stay in the house but I didn’t know where to go. I don’t know anyone here yet. I ended up calling Tina, you remember her, my best friend from back home. She’s fallen in love recently and she’s on “cloud 9” and only talks about “her” Chris... Me, on the other hand... I don’t have a chance with Eric anyway; especially not after what happened on the high bar. Eric can have any of the hotties he wants. That’s not me…

Then Tina started talking about how she and Chris want to sleep with each other and that’s why she’s so excited and she was even at the doctor’s office with her mother to get the pill. I am totally envious. I can’t tell her that, of course. So, instead, I just pretended that I had to go eat dinner and couldn’t talk any more. Besides, talking to her on the phone isn’t the same as being with her, which I could do when I was still living in B. I miss her!

I’ve really got to go outside and do SOMETHING. Well, at least the sun is out again, a little... I heard that some of the girls meet and hang out in the park close by. And no-one will miss me here at home, anyway. They’re too busy fighting.”

Paula’s diary, the same evening

“I did it! I went to the little park. I really wanted to swing. Just be free in the air, and right side up for a few minutes, revert to childhood or something... Of course all the families in the neighborhood had sent their children there because we finally have good weather, so all the swings were taken. Most of the benches, too.

On one of them there was just one girl – with the best hair: black thick, slightly wavy, medium short. Not thin like mine. You know I can knead in a bottle of gel without it doing anything! No matter what it says on the package.

She was smoking and grumpy, I thought. But then she looked at me when I passed her. First I kept walking, but then, I don’t know what got into me, but I turned around and went back to her. Normally I would NEVER do something like that, but, really, it couldn’t get any worse, right? And then she was really nice. Anyway, she’s the first person outside of school that I could talk to. I hope she didn’t notice how I blushed when she started talking about Eric. On the

other hand, so what? I stayed there a while after she left and pretended to read in my English book. Home now, ate a sandwich and now I’m holed up in my room.

P. S. To look like Zoë – that would be awesome! Then I’d be Eric’s type and maybe he’d even look at me without laughing.”

As Paula was falling asleep, she thought back to her encounter with Zoë.

“Can I sit down?”

Zoë’s eyes squinted in the sun when she looked up at Paula.

“... Sure, it ain’t my private bench.”

“... You never know, maybe you wanted to be alone.”

“... Possibly. But then I’d rather have you here than one of those moms with their screaming kids... and then also,” she said with a grin, looking at the English book that Paula had tucked under her arm, “I suppose you want to be diligent, right?” Paula sat down. “Or at least pretend to be.”

“Are you new here? I haven’t seen you around. Or maybe yes... in our store, right?”

Paula suddenly had the feeling that she had seen that face somewhere before. But why couldn’t she remember that cool hair? Suddenly she knew it: “You work in the supermarket around the corner, don’t you? And you all wear caps there...”

“Right. Real stupid. But we have to, especially if the boss is close by. What about you? Looks like school. Do you go to Lincoln High? I know someone there, too...”

“Like who...”

“Your school stud, Eric.”

Paula swallowed hard and knew she was turning red. “... He’s in my class.”

“And? Has he hit on you yet? Hey, chill. I had a crush on him myself once.”

‘Why does everybody want to talk about boys today?’ Paula asked herself, ‘... especially with me, of all people?’ “I suppose I’m not his type. And then I’m new in class. We just moved here... Paula is my name, by the way.”

“Zoë. So what do you do when you’re not studying?”

“Well, I used to hang out with my friends at home...” Paula noticed that her nose was getting really hot and her eyes were starting to water. “Here, I’m reading a lot. What about you?”

“A lot of stress around my training. A lot of cramming after slaving at the market. And I box. I need that – I have three brothers.”

“Cool. Like with fights and all?”

“Sure. But now they want me to lose weight, ’cause of the weight class, you know. That really pisses me off. I’m thinking of quitting.” She glanced at her cell phone. “Gotta go – training. See you here again? Or at the store? Wherever.” And then she was off.

Late one evening, a few days later, Tina calls Paula.

“Were you asleep already... doesn’t matter, I just have to tell you something, Paula, I’m so excited and sooo happy... Chris and I... yesterday we slept with each other... stupid words... we fucked... Oh God, the way that sounds... we made love, yeah, that’s right, we made love.”

Paula, who really was about to fall asleep, was now fully awake. “Wow... that fast...?”

“Yeah... actually, we wanted to wait a while... it was the first time for him, too, and he always said I should take all the time in the world, even if he really wants to... but somehow one thing led to another and suddenly it just happened.”

“And how... how was it?” Paula had the feeling that the question was much too small for such a big event.

“We were in my room and my parents and my sisters were at a birthday party and we made out on my bed. And somehow... somehow I wanted to feel him in me... The feeling kept getting stronger and I told him so. He looked at me really tenderly and said he wanted to but he didn’t have a condom. And I’m not on the pill. But you know, can you believe it, I had one, right there! From the Aids exhibit at our school... you remember how we giggled when they gave them to us?”