Animal Lover E-Book

Raymond Friel

• Herausgeber: Luath Press
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 240

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2013

Beschreibung

Danny is in trouble. A wannabe animal rights activist and modern day hero, none of this was supposed to happen. After his first attempt at animal liberation ends badly, things go rapidly downhill. In the supermarket where he works his behaviour is becoming more erratic and a number of people, including his boss (a big Jim Davidson fan), a Goth grocery girl (and also teenage poet) and a security guard (enough said) are all out to get him. The woman he loves, Shona, is becoming more extreme by the minute and when they hook up with some hunt saboteurs she's more interested in digging up human graves and stealing the remains than saving foxes. Danny doesn't waste his time at the hunt either - thanks to him the fox gets torn to pieces. It's treble or nothing time, and next week the Circus is coming to town.

Leseprobe

RAYMOND FRIEL is a Scottish screenwriter based in Glasgow. He has two feature film credits:The Calcium Kidstarring Orlando Bloom andBotchedwith Stephen Dorff. Both of these films were released in cinemas in theUKand distributed worldwide.

Friel has worked on a variety of other film and television projects with theUKFilm Council, Scottish Screen, Creative Scotland, Shine Entertainment, Channel 4 and the BBC.

His play,Moriarty Is Crying, won the Willy Russell Award for New Writing and was performed at the Edinburgh Festival and the Citizens Theatre in Glasgow.

Friel also writes and directs a live comedy sketch show that has featured in the Glasgow Comedy Festival and played to sell out crowds.

He lives with his wife and two children, Rémy and Etienne. His Jack Russells, Stubby and Rigsby, feel the book could have done with a bit more rabbit chasing and a lot less talking.

Animal Lover

RAYMOND FRIEL

LuathPress Limited

EDINBURGH

www.luath.co.uk

First published 2013

ISBN (Paperback): 978-1-908373-72-4

ISBN (eBook): 978-1-909912-54-0

The publishers acknowledge the support of Creative Scotland towards the publication of this volume.

The author’s right to be identified as author of thiswork under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 has been asserted.

© Raymond Friel

Table of Contents

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

For Babeth, without you there is no story.

1

Tonight. Tonight is all that matters. Everything else, all this, neon lights and the smell of disinfectant and dead chickens, don’t let it get to you. Baked beans not a problem. On the shelf they go. Super Danny: by day a quiet Morrisons grocery worker but by night… I laugh but have to pretend I’m coughing as Joanne glances up at me. The last thing I need is people here thinking I’m odd.

—What you laughing at?

—Nothing.

She stares at me.

—Share the joke Danny.

—I was coughing, honestly.

Joanne continues to stare at me as the corners of her mouth droop. How old is she? Seventeen? Shouldn’t she be harder than this?

—I bet if it was someone else you’d tell them. Nobody likes me here. You were probably laughing at me.

She turns back to the case of baked beans. Brilliant. I feel guilty. She sniffs, her face hidden. Jesus Christ. She’s crying. It is 7.05am, I’ve been awake for an hour, at work for five minutes and already experiencing uncomfortable moment of the day number one. Best just to ignore it and continue working. Katie appears at the end of the aisle with a metal cage for the used cardboard boxes heading our way. Joanne’s shoulders shake slightly, her long black Goth hair dangling. You don’t need to say anything Danny, you really don’t.

—Joanne, I wasn’t laughing. At anything, especially not you. It’s this cough, seriously, I think I’m coming down with something… Please, don’t cry.

Poor kid. I remember seventeen. I remember everything. Twenty-two and already I have to fight my memories just to get up in the morning. By the time I’m thirty I may well be bed bound.

—Who’s crying? Joanne says.

She turns to me, tears definitelynotstreaming down her face.

—What’s going on? Katie says.

Uh-oh. There has been a misjudgement.

—Danny’s got a joke but he’s not telling, Joanne says.

Oh shit, the manager, Mark, is heading our way. This has got to be dealt with quickly or an escalation is inevitable.

—There’s no joke Katie. Forget it.

—C’mon Danny, tell us, Katie says.

But she’s not going to push it. God bless you Katie. Used to like her a lot when I thought it was just me she found funny then realised she laughed at anything and felt cheated. Then disliked her. Mark arrives, smiling at the girls but not at me, surprise surprise.

—What are your demands? he says.

Nobody says anything but I can guess yours, ya sleazy bastard. He must be almost forty and yet spends every works night out trying to fire into the teenage lassies.

—Oh sorry, I thought you were on strike, Mark says, —but if you’re not on strike get back to work.

He laughs but nobody joins in. Wanker. Still, at least it took the focus away from me.

—Danny’s got a joke he was just about to tell us, Joanne says. —We’ll get back to work once he has.

Bitch.

—On you go then, Mark says, —and afterwards I’ve got a belter that’ll blow yours out of the water.

—Let’s hear it Danny, Katie says.

—Yeah, says Joanne.

Quick glance at the clock. 7.07am and uncomfortable moment of the day number two is already upon us. One every two minutes, thirty an hour. Almost 1500 a day. That’s a lot of uncomfortable moments. Time to trawl through Christmas cracker joke memory… Got one.

—In Alaska they have a lottery only for the Eskimos.

Joanne sniffs again and this time I see her face when she does so. Interesting, it’s a sign of anger, not pain.

—Oh great, a racist joke. Pathetic. Why don’t you just change your name to Jim Davidson? she says.

—So what if he likes Jim Davidson? says Mark.

No no no. This isn’t right. I don’t want Mark or Jim Davidson on my side.

—It’s not racist –

—I think you can make jokes about anything as long as it’s funny, Katie says.

—So you’d laugh at a rape or an abortion joke? Joanne says.

Katie doesn’t answer, beaten.

—You won’t like my one then, Mark says.

He laughs, again on his own.

—If you don’t want to hear it that’s fine, I say.

—Just hurry up and finish it, Joanne says.

—Ok then. In Alaska they have a lottery only for the Eskimos.

—And you a vegetarian.

—What’s that got to do with it?

Joanne rolls her eyes as if it’s so obvious she doesn’t need to answer. This girl is as hard as nails. No wonder. She’s seventeen. Those bastards think they’re bullet proof.

—I’ve got a couple of Jim Davidson DVDs you can borrow if you like, Mark says.

—No thanks. I think Jim Davidson is a cunt. Same with the people that like him.

Perhaps overstepped the mark there. Mark. My boss. I have just called a cunt. Uncomfortable moment number three arrived quicker than I thought.

—Just trying to be friendly, Mark says.

And looks at me with hate. If he didn’t particularly care for me in the general way that a certain type of man dislikes every other guy who’s younger or slimmer or just has anything that he might be jealous of before we have now graduated to a more personal level of enmity, bona fideenemies. He will try to get me at some point. Something to think about. At least I’ve not offended Katie.

—I don’t like that word, Katie says.

—What word? I say.

—The C-word. The one you just used.

Clean sweep. Christ. There is a really bad vibe coming from these three fuckers and as if they can sense that there is camaraderie to be had they move closer together.

—Joke now. Then back to work. I mean it, Mark says.

That was said as a threat.

—In Alaska they have a lottery only for the Eskimos.

They stare at me. Bad crowd.

—You have to be Inuit to win it.

Joanne shakes her head and bends down to the cans at her feet. Katie turns and walks back down the aisle, the metal cage in tow, smiling at a bloke who asks her where the tinned tomatoes are but not stopping to answer him. Mark lingers and gives me a smile but we both know what’s behind it.

Super Danny.

2

Keep it together keep it together keep it together. You’re the leader, they look up to you. Christ it’s tight in here, borderline claustrophobia kicking in, try not to think about it. Jesus. Fuckin’ buried alive. At least we’re moving. As long as we’re moving I’m ok.

—Danny, can we stop for a bit?

Paul again. If I didn’t know better I’d think he didn’t want to be here.

—No we can’t. This isn’t a walk in the park man!

—I know but I can feel a cramp coming on –

—Enough. Move yer arse.

Quick glance over at Shona, how did she feel I handled that? Can’t really tell in this light. In this dark. So cramped in here. Every time her right arm moves as she crawls forward it brushes against me and I find myself looking forward to each moment of accidental contact.

—Ow!

—Sorry Danny. I didn’t realise my elbow was that close, she says.

—It’s ok. It didn’t hurt.

Another bruise probably. I can take it. I am a man. Best check on Seb, don’t like leaving anyone out.

—How’s Seb?

—Hundred per cent, he says.

A voice from the darkness. Good lad. I can always trust Seb. There it is! Ya fuckin’ beauty. Light at the end of the tunnel. Something to aim for. God, I never thought it was true but it’s like what they say, the pounding of the blood in my veins is deafening.

—Stop making that noise Paul, Shona says.

—I told you, I’ve got cramp. I’m having to drag my leg.

What was I thinking that the noise was my blood? I may be freaking out. Don’t let it show.

—Ya fuckin’ idiot Paul! You trying to get us caught ya fuckin’ prick!

I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t even really swear. Not like some. Cunt word cunt word. Mostly hear them on buses.

—What now Danny? Shona asks.

Time to focus. I motion at them to be quiet and shuffle to the grate at the end of the air vent. And look through. Bastards. Bastards. Bastards. How much money do these fuckers need? No humans but a lot of life. LikeBUPAexcept instead of beds there are cages. Maybe about twenty in all each holding at least one dog, some two or three. Computer station in the middle, that’s where the keys should be. Time to do some good.

—You can come up, I say. –There’s no one here. But be quiet.

Shona squeezes against me, Seb behind us, Paul keeping his distance at the back.

—Okay, military operation here ladies and gentlemen, I say. –I know they’re all wankers but let’s have aSAStype attitude –

Paul sneezes.

—You fuckin’ did that on purpose!

—I didn’t! It’s all the dust in here. I have allergies y’know.

—Oh… Sorry. But try to be quiet, eh? Bravo Two Zero mentality.

—That was all bullshit, Seb whispers.

—What?

—Bravo Two Zero. I saw a programme on Channel 4. They did nothing apart from kill a few conscripts and then surrender. Murdering shitbags really.

—Yeah, I saw that as well, Shona says.

This is getting away from me. What was I thinking pretending to be theSAS? Apart from everything else they’re the enemy, tools of an animal exploiting corporate elite. Wouldn’t be surprised if a few of them have tailed me in the past. That old guy outside the B&Q, something funny was going on there and it wasn’t just in my head.

—Forget theSASbut let’s be professional, that’s all I was meaning. Actually, all I was really meaning was gonna not sneeze again Paul.

—It’s not my fault. It’s my membranes.

Ignore him and push the grate but it’s stuck. Shit. I move round and give it a kick. Fuck, too hard. It flies off and crashes against the floor. The dogs start to bark and I can’t help myself. I freeze. Shona tugs at me.

—Danny?

—Danny?

The dogs are quieting down. I’m coming back… I’m back.

—Yeah, sorry, what?

—Paul’s run away, she says.

—Paul! Get back here!

I can hear my voice echoing down the duct. I may have frozen but at least I didn’t run. Paul returns, can’t see his face but his shuffle sounds guilty.

—Where the hell do you think you were going?

He shrinks. I’ll let him off this time.

—Ok, I say. –I’ll go first. Give me some space.

They back out my way so that I can lower myself out of the duct. My legs go first and dangle in the open air, shit, this isn’t good, I didn’t realise we were so high up, I’m gonna fall –

—Ah! Fuck!

That’s it, my leg’s broke. No, wait a second, the pain’s spiked and then disappeared. I’m alright. I must have hit that table on my way down. Get my bearings. I’m in the middle of an animal vivisection lab. Middle of an animal vivisection lab.We are really fucking doing this!This probablyisa bit like theSAS. Shona pokes her head out. She looks worried for me. Tonight is getting better and better.

—Danny, you ok? she says.

I give her the thumbs up though I expect I’ll be limping tomorrow.

—Who’s next?

Shona wriggles herself out of the duct and I make sure I’m there to catch her. Temptation to hold her for too long makes me hold her not long enough and I almost drop her.

—Sorry.

—No worries, she says.

And leaves my side, distracted by the animals. Seb lowers himself and this time there’s no mistake. With the blond fringe and that bandana wrapped around the lower part of his face I can only see his eyes. He loves that bandana, I can’t ever remember him being without it.

—Thanks, he says.

And joins Shona at the cages.

—Ok Paul, your turn.

Paul pokes his head out and lingers there.

—What’s the problem? I say.

He sneezes again but now that I can see his face something about the action doesn’t seem right. Is he faking?

—I was thinking that we could maybe do with a lookout? Paul says.

—Get down here.

He screws his face up and glances back the way we came before coming to a decision and lurching forward, holding his arms out towards me.

—No, the other way –

But it’s too late. He slides out and I do my best but he still lands on his head. That looked painful. Best not give him the chance to moan though. No sympathy for victims.

—On your feet soldier, I say.

And pull him up. I look over and see Shona kneeling down at a cage, a small pink tongue licking her fingers through the mesh. I could do with some of that action myself and join her. The dogs are mostly fully grown but still puppies, between six months and a year, but a couple are only a few weeks old. They come to the front of the cages wagging their tails. Jesus Christ. To think that they’re still looking for human company after all we’ve done to them. The knot in my stomach is back. This isn’t fun. I feel like burning this hellhole to the ground.

—Who’s a good boy! Shona says.

But her voice is cracking. Please don’t cry, if you do you’ll set me off.

—What we waiting for then? Paul says.

He’s still standing where he fell. I pull myself away from the dogs and get back on track.

—You’re right, I say. –This is a breakout not a get together.

—Danny, I think this one likes me! Shona says.

I’m at the computer station busy going through the drawers with Seb but look up and smile at her anyway.

—They’ll like us a helluva lot more once we’ve rescued them.

—Can we please hurry the fuck up! Paul says.

He’s moved to the door trying to listen for any sign of security, nervously holding his crotch. He must be terrified. Good. His cowardice is making me brave. Could always tell him to relax, that would make me feel even calmer. What’s that noise? No, oh God she is. Shona is crying, and not just a whimper either.

—Jesus fucking Christ, that’s all we need, Paul says.

—Leave her alone, I say. –Has anybody got a hankie?

—Got them!

Seb holds up the keys and hands them to me. Check on Shona. She’s got the tears under control. Back to the cages and this time not to play. As I unlock the doors the dogs hang back but not for long. By the time I’ve opened half of them the dogs are out, sniffing each other and jumping up at Seb and Shona.

—It’s gonna be ok, Shona says to a couple of dogs rolling on their backs at her feet.

Now to release the others and they’re desperate to be free, sensing that good times are to be had. Seb is laughing and on his knees playing with one of the dogs. Shona’s picked up a puppy and is hugging it tight. The dogs are getting more and more excited. This could get out of hand. Time to take control.

—Right everyone, listen up, I say. –We know what we’ve got to do.

Well that didn’t work. Shona and Seb are still mucking about with the animals. I can’t help myself and pat the dog nearest to me. It looks up and wags its tail. I bet the bastards haven’t even named them. Ok, you’re Norman.

—Danny! It’s time to go! Paul says.

—Yeah. I know. Don’t tell me that. Shona, Seb, that’s enough. Come on.

They look over and I open my bag and start flinging the leads to them.

—Let’s get the dogs under control and then we’re gone.

I try to get a hold of Norman but he runs away, thinking it’s a game.

—Norman, get back here!

I start chasing him.

—Danny, I don’t believe in leads, Shona says.

I stop running after Norman.

—What?

She shrugs.

—I don’t believe in leads.

—Shona, please. This isn’t the time.

—I know, it’s just we’re here to free them and then we’re putting chains round their necks? It doesn’t make sense.

Seb raises his hand.

—I don’t believe in leads either.

—We’ve been through this, I say. –The ends justify the means. It’ll be a lot easier getting them out if we’ve got them on leads. Once we’re out you can do whatever the hell you want with them.

—I don’t want todoanything with them, Shona says.

—I didn’t mean it like that –

—Hey genius, Paul says.

I look over. He’s caught a dog and is holding the lead at its neck.

—They don’t have collars. What we gonna do now?

I open my mouth but say nothing. There’s always something. There’s always bloody something. Paul perks up.

—Maybe we should just forget about it, he says.

—We can’t. Danny, tell him, Shona says.

Christ, she really does think I’m the leader. Don’t let her down.

—There’s no two ways about it. We ain’t leaving the dogs behind, I say.

Shona smiles and Seb gives a clenched fist salute.

—So how we gonna get them out then? Paul says.

—I’ll show you.

I finally manage to grab Norman and climb onto the table near the vent. I place him at the opening. He takes one nervous look at the dark tunnel and then faces me. Come on Norman, don’t let me down.

—On you go, you know what’s out there? Liberty, freedom… fucking cats.

Norman’s not going anywhere. He tries to lick my face. Shit.

—They’re never gonna go in the vent unless we drag them and we can’t do that because they don’t have any collars! Paul shouts.

—He’s got a point, Seb says. –Maybe we’d be able to rescue one each but the others would never follow.

—Yeah, good idea Seb, Paul says. –We’ll take one each. At least then we’re rescuing four of them. Danny, c’mon, let’s do it.

At the edge of my vision I can feel her staring at me. That’s a worry, because if I can sense her gaze on me, does that mean she’s noticed when I stare at her when I think she’s not looking?

—No, I said we’re getting them all out and that’s what we’re gonna do.

I head for the door to the lab.

—Danny, we can’t go that way, it might be alarmed, Paul says.

Turn and give him (but really her) a little crooked smile.

—Yeah, and it might not be.

I try the handle. The alarm goes off.WAAAAAA!Fuck me but that’s loud. Shitshitshitshit. And now the dogs are barking.

—I fuckin’ told you that was going to happen!

—Shut up Paul. Just let me think…

Can’t tell if he hears me though because there’s so much other noise. Beginning to freeze up again. Rabbit in the headlights time. I’m aware of Paul scrabbling on top of the table and trying to pull himself into the air vent but he’s not strong enough and falls to the floor, immediately getting to his feet and trying again.

—Somebody help me up! he shouts.

We all ignore him.

—Danny, we should hide, Seb says.

That did the trick. I’m back in the zone. Good lad Seb. Time for me (the leader) to take control again, some new stratagem to impress my fellows and confound my foes.

—Everyone! Hide! Fuckin’ anywhere!

I grab the handle to a cupboard close to me. There’s enough space for two. Shona hasn’t moved, standing in the middle of the room still holding the puppy.

—Shona! Here!

She follows me in and as I close the door I can see Seb dragging Paul into a similar cupboard opposite us. Shona moves closer to me, squeezing in so that the door can close completely. Click. It does, but I can still see through the slits in the wood. The dogs are having a great time, Norman’s on the table with the computers knocking over folders. That’s my boy, doing his bit against the machine. Someone’s coming. The door to the lab opens.

—Fuckin’ hell!

A man’s voice.

—How’d they get out? says another.

Security guards. Shit. Pretend to be invisible Danny. Become one with the cupboard. Should I tell Shona to pretend to be invisible? I mouth at her but she’s too busy looking after the puppy. Forget it, I’ll just pretend for her. Ok, here it goes. I am not here. What’s that scrabbling? Oh no. Norman’s off the table and trying to get into the cupboard. Fuck off Norman! I blank him and luckily he gets bored and goes looking for his mates. The two security guards round up the dogs and put them back in their cages one at a time. Every time they catch a dog Shona winces. She looks at me. I shake my head, I want to reassure her, tell her not to worry, that I’m here and I won’t let them get away with it, but it seems forced, even to me. She presses herself against the wall and her long auburn hair touches my face. I can’t help myself and take a deep breath, trying to inhale not just the smell but everything about her. Is this how it starts? You begin by smelling a girl’s hair and then end up five years later in a strange woman’s bedroom trying to find a soiled pair of knickers for the next nostril hit? Did Fred West start this way? Stop it Danny. It’s perfectly normal to want to smell a girl’s hair. You’re not a pervert. Stay switched on, you can worry about being a deviant later. Norman is the last to be caught and I feel a bit of pride as he gives the security guards the run-a-round. They’re out of breath and sit for a minute. Security guards. They’re all fat bastards.

—You ready to go?

The other nods. They leave. We stay. This is the closest I’ve ever been to her. Y’know Danny you could always –Christ!Where did that thought come from? What? Here? Now? The adrenaline must be making me drunk cause there’s no way normally –

—Do you want to go out with me? To the pictures or something? I say.

There it is. Out in the open. She straightens and slowly turns her head to face me. I think I’m smiling at her but it could just be the anxiety twisting my face. It probably looks like a leer, oh God, she might think this whole operation was a ploy to rub myself up against her in a cupboard. Fred Westcouldhave started this way. She nods and smiles back at me. She fucking nodded!

—But after we’re done here, she says.

—Oh yeah. Obviously. You can choose the film if you like.

I beam at her. Temptation to say something stupid but this time I’m gonna keep my mouth shut.

—Is that why you’ve been staring at me? she says.

—What? Have I been staring at you?

—When you think I’m not looking, she says.

—Sorry.

I can feel myself go red. She rubs her nose against the puppy still in her arms, her turn to look embarrassed.

—Don’t be sorry. I’ve been hoping you’d ask me out for ages.

—Really? Well, I’ve just been waiting for the perfect moment.

Result. First laugh of the relationship. We’re only an inch or two apart. Fucking hell. I could be on for a snog. The sound of the door reopening makes me pull back and check what’s going on. The security guards have returned and are at the alarm.

—You always forget to reset it, one of them says.

—I’m doing it now, amn’t I? the other answers.

—Get a move on, this is supposed to be our break.

I strain my eyes. Holy shit, I can see what he’s doing, see the actual numbers he’s punching in. One, eight, six, eight, four, four, seven, two. Use your head Danny. I know how we can do this. I’m gonna get us out of here. All I have to do is remember. One, eight, six, eight, four, four, seven, two. One, eight, six, eight, four, four, seven, two. There’s a beep and it’s done and as the guards head out the door I keep mouthing the numbers to make them stick. Shona taps me on the shoulder.

—What you doing?

—I saw it. I saw the fuckin’ code. But I need help. One, eight, six, eight, four, four, seven, two, I say. –You remember the first two numbers. One and eight, got it? That’s you.

—One and eight no problem, she says.

But looks at me funny, I don’t think she gets it. We’re out of the cupboard and my mind is on fire. One, eight, six, eight, four, four, seven, two. There’s a voice in my head flinging random numbers at me. Why would my own brain do that? ‘Two’ ‘two’ ‘six’ ‘seven’ ‘six’ ‘five’ ‘two’. Where the hell did that come from? Shit. That’s the phone number of the house I lived in when I was five. Concentrate Danny. One, eight, six, eight, four, four, seven, two. They’re the only numbers that exist on the planet. Paul bursts from the cupboard he was hiding in, Seb after him.

—It didn’t mean anything. Forget about it, Seb says to Paul.

Even though my mind is preoccupied I can sense something is going on. For starter’s Seb’s bandana is down. God he looks young. Paul is distraught.

—Just stay away from me, Paul says.

He looks close to tears. What the hell went on in there? Not your problem. Concentrate. One, eight, six, eight, four, four, seven, two.

—Danny. I’ve been violated. I want to go home, Paul says.

No time for that.

—I know the fucking alarm code! I say –I saw the security guard do it. Are you listening to me? One, eight, six, eight, four, four, seven, two! Got that? Everybody memorise the numbers I give them. Shona you remember what you are?

—One and eight.

—Perfect. Seb, six and eight. Ok?

He nods, pulling the scarf back over his face and looking guilty. What the fuck happened in that cupboard?

—Paul. Four and four. Remember those numbers like your life depends on it.

—I’m not really in the mood for this –

—Just remember the fuckin’ numbers, alright?

—Ok ok. Four four. No big deal.

—And I’ll do the rest. The guards are on a break. We got to move fast.

When we unlock the cages the dogs come bounding out but this time we’re all business. I can hear Paul, Seb and Shona murmuring their numbers to themselves. As if remembering two numbers is hard. They should try the whole list. Eight. Now that’s hard. I’m the leader, I guess remembering the most numbers comes with the territory. Paul isn’t helping, staring into space but I’m not gonna shout at him. Something bad occurred and even though I want to know, part of me doesn’t. Seb sees me looking at him.

—Paul was about to sneeze again… So I kissed him to take his mind off it. It’s not like we’re dating or anything.

Oh fuck. What happened between me and Shona seemed special and spontaneous at the time but maybe that’s just what happens to everybody when they get in a cupboard with someone else? Thank God I was with her but the experience has already been cheapened. Shona’s not let go of the puppy but that’s ok I guess, I’ve got my eye on Norman, I’m busting that bugger out of here if it’s the last thing I do. The dogs are free and I head to the door. There’s the panel and the alarm system. Mission Impossible, that’s what they said. Well, they hadn’t heard of me.

—Shona you’re first.

—One and eight.

I punch it in.

—Forty-four, says Paul.