Blouse E-Book

Morten Hjerl-Hansen

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 246

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Beschreibung

Articles from The Other Newspaper. The purpose of The Other Newspaper is to give the public a new, discomforting and humorous reflection of the way we consume news on traditional media and posts on the social media that cause the reader to question whether the world needs to change and whether one can live online.

Leseprobe

Fisherman catches enchanted fish

It is not the kind of enchantment which most people would find interesting, said Bent Holert, Sanditon, this morning to the Other Newspaper.

Scientists find fossilized moral theologian

This morning, the skillful moral theologian Peter Bline was found in his office where he has been petrified since 1974. When found, he was surprised, in good condition, very very rich, strong witted, with a firm grip on a vase, charming, much beloved, eager and had something left in the corner of the mouth.

He talked nonsense: “The inner self is the most important. But you should probably remember that I believe that you have different selves through life. Each is a function of the former . It is strange. How we maintain friendships and close relationships when we continually transform is one of the major issues. I have not written a book about. And I’m really happy about that. Books can be long.”

Man spells with four u’s

This morning a man from Abbertown spelled the word “goulash” with four u’s without adding any other letters.

Man lies about ship

This morning it was reported that a man had spread false information to a telephone pole about something as impressive as a ship. The bulkhead as well as the small hole where water flows out of the railing were misplaced, but the mast, however, was correctly placed.

Really useful advice for people who wrap their mobiles up in old horse blankets and are surprised when they can’t hear it ring

”My screen got scratched.” The Other Newspaper meets Anna Arild as she was attempting, somewhat haphazardly, to lean her bicycle against a newspaper stand. First the bicycle fell over, then Anna, and then the news stand. “No… anyway,” she continued, oblivious to the chaos; “My screen got scratched. Then I thought; actually it gives it a bit of personality. But my girlfriend didn’t get it, so I rolled it up in an old horse blanket…you know, to give it a bit of personality. I think the penny dropped then.” Suddenly, Anna’s eye is caught by a small article in a free newspaper on the table in the café where we’re sitting. “Then I thought; what if I can’t hear it ring? So I whipped off the blanket again and of course there was a missed call!”

100: A common number

Professor of numbers Ingvar Three collects himself after the piddle behind the tree and turns to gaze at the peartree in the middle of the field, which isn’t there.

Zero peartrees. Mark the plural ending and the beautiful branches.

Three continues his count of things that are there zero or one time.

One stone. One.

The professor indicates one of the numerous remains from the Ice age that are strewn around in the landscape, where we walk.

And now, as we continue, the stone disappears. Out of sight out of stone. One becomes zero.

The professor walks back to the stone.

It weighs exactly the same as you and I, if you throw away the biscuit you are carrying in your coat pocket.

The employee from Den Anden Avis (The Other Newspaper) nods in approval and takes out the biscuit to throw it in to the hedgerow. Quickly the professor grabs the biscuit and eats it and hides behind a tree. He speaks with a slightly altered voice.

100 is a very impressive number, because it begins with 1 swiftly followed by two nulls. Note that these nulls asked for permission first. They have explicitly asked to be placed to the right of 1, and also whether they might be allowed to have two dots, a dash and a bow, like a nice little face to taste whats going on. This however they were not permitted to have.

»Just give me a Champagne Lolly«

»I began the draft for the ad like this:I am a young man who is interested in the different types of confusion people may be in. I don’t care about equality. Next I show the draft to my uncle. We’re very close. He thinks for a long while and says: Just give me a Champagne Lolly. I had one lying around. Strange, actually. I give him the Champagne Lolly and read the draft to my best friend. We’re very close. After reading it he says: Just give me a Champagne Lolly. I fetch the Champagne Lolly in the freezer for my best friend. All right. I sit down with the draft and read it aloud to myself. I’m very close. I took a second to think. And got up to get myself a Champagne Lolly!«

Disney dog Scamp marries inner supermodel

»I went directly to the media after I had married Scamp the Disney dog. Scamp had only a single page of Donald Duck magazine when I was a kid. Totally unfair. Scamp is the most complex and, I’d say, the most generous person I know.«

Ebba Skammelsen waves her hand and a waiter brings more sweet wine. Four meringue are rejected with a smile. She’s an inner supermodel. Most recently, her beautiful interior graced the covers of Vogue and Marie Claire. The media usually calls her four times a day. This time it was she who took the initiative and contacted Den Anden Avis (The Other Newspaper). Scamp barks in the background:

»Scamp kiss fat man.«

Ebba pats her husband on the head:

»Scamp kiss Jewish lady with big hands working in the supermarket. But in a moment now. We gotta make this interview.«

Scientist finds ruby on the finger of high-society lady

»That’s a ruby you’ve got there.«

»No … Is it? It’s a heirloom. A ruby. But I had no idea it’s a ruby.«

»That’s a dress you have there.«

»I had no idea it’s a dress. I bought it just recently.«

»You speak strangely. You talk fast, confused and in a stressed manner.«

»Now listen. It’s actually me who is the scientist. You just roam behind your desk while I live.«

This conversation didn’t take place on Upper Manhattan yesterday where Den Anden Avis (The Other Newspaper) was present. It’s merely a transcript of what the eyes of the two guests said to each other. The real conversation was quite different and was about a load of cushions that were transported through Croatia during major hardships.

Pipe arrested at the border

Yesterday a pipe was held back at the border, on the double charge of being made of aluminum and being hollow, by which property you can see right through it, from one end to the other. The border had an ice cream.

Dane struck by feared type A-dementia

The severely feared, terrible and severely dreadful disease A-dementia, has struck a young danish woman, according to physician Kappel Kammer:

»She thinks she’s called Allan Schroeder, has been killed by the indians and robbed of 14 dollars in the local supermarket last Thursday. Otherwise everything is perfectly normal. She speaks normally, behaves normally and watches normal movies in the theater. Her clothes are not affected by the disease. It is still red with large yellow buttons.«

Postal service ready to launch new products

We have been working for a long time on a product where you send letters and packages from A to C, instead of A to B.”

But then it will be a wrong person who receives the letters.

“Yes.”

Wooden toilet seat found under volcano

A toilet seat of a yet unknown brand has been unearthed from beneath the volcano Tesla in March in Ukraine. It was found by archaeologists in the subsurface beneath the active sulfur layer and is described as a sensational find.

We have no control over anything right now., says expedition leader Geoff Silvan. The nearer social relations are well. But can we ever talk about people in balance? I have spoken with my wife and my son. I feel good. I am speaking with my wife right now. This is her. Can we wait a little?

Human-like figure of metal stands on grass area

This morning a young man was surprised when he looked up from his cell phone, to find that apparently a figure had grown up of a cube on the earth without asking permission and without having a regular job. On closer study of a square plate, it turned out that the origin could be determined to the year 1935.

It is a statue of Plato, you airheadreplied a younger woman who lay beside the detective who now strolled around on the ground and studied the seemingly meaningless but heavily used lawn stretched out between buildings and highly suspicious trees.

Deeply reasonable person steals biscuit

A yielding person of the highest human carat, without much sense of justice, but with a very nice brushed-back hair and perfect character, with great boots, overview, deep calmness in stressful situations, in hot pursuit of his talents, self-absorbed, good, nice, contradictory, deeply divided, reasonable, listening and clever, this morning stole a biscuit at a tea party where he, hiding under a well-set table put his arm up and voila! The cake was gone in no time.

Man prompted by a fit of coughing in basement of aviation museum

Thursday, an aviation museum, which is not listed in the tourist brochures because everyone knows it and visit it at least once in their lives, was the scene of an unusual fit of coughing lead by troubadour Kim West. Afterwards the crowd was entertained by the three sweet 18-years old girls Ursula, Kimmie and Drilifi who instructed and recorded a complete film of two hours duration. It was a successful film which gained popularity in Hungary where it was last seen.

Incredibly boring immigrant buys aquarium

Please come with me home and see my little fish cried an immigrant daddy merrily when he saw a beautiful woman from Copenhagen on her bicycle. The girl got off her bike and cocked her head with a certain coldness. She thought of Adam. The world’s first man, who loved her dearly. For a moment it seemed to her that the immigrant was Adam and the real Adam nobody what so ever. So she accompanied him back to his family. Uh. The end of the story got a little boring. Actually the way I outlined the girl was, in a sense, boring too. I mean, first of all there must be others who love this beautiful girl and secondly, she and Adam will most certainly work it out.

Adult member of audience has inexplicable drooling attack during applause

One year ago: His wife shone with delight after yesterday’s concert in Forum, Copenhagen, while he got a drooling attack. The beautiful woman could not do anything and said that it was both embarrassing and strange. I rather like to drool, was the man’s comment.

Artist finds buried spring

A totally unknown artist supposedly recovered a major spring this morning as he was digging in his garden. The spring is elongated and twisted and weighs about 12 kg. “It’s obviously been used to spring.” This particular feature was demonstrated by the spring the moment after the find, when the man was overturned sideways with his spade.

Over excited children’s books give trauma in adulthood

You would not believe the entertainer Beider Niels and republican Kjørm Gooder had anything in common besides the bright orange hair. But looking them in the eyes you will notice that, during childhood, they have both heard the story of Mis and the two pastilles lying a whole night on a cold stone in Belgium, while a little bit of chocolate milk ran down a fir tree.

Danish cloaks are popular in the US

The Danish cloak entrepreneur Mandy Male smiles contentedly and looks into the hole in his cigar. “There used to be a firecracker in there. Now there is just the sparse remains of figs. “Mandy Male sorts 2,000 hats according to color and points to the wall. “The pictures there remind me of Denmark when I was a child. The Denmark of my childhood. I believe the flagpole has been sold.”

Nursing home resident performs fast-paced computer game in broom closet

A resident has just performed the seventh and last act, called The Tongues of Fire of the computer game The Tongues of Fire at the nursing home The Tongues of Fire in Brede, Denmark in a cupboard in front of the nurse Dorrit. “It is so close to the real thing, it is so close to actually reminding me of Robinson Crusoe, but really it mostly reminds me that Henry behaves well. Yes, he behaves well and he behaved well yesterday too when he placed a lukewarm frying pan on a chair in the dining room.”

Beautiful purple string blows from an igloo to a teepee

A piece of string that had long been stuck on an igloo reconsidered and changed its exact location to a big tent nearby. Or it must have been the wind. Here it sits, now almost glued on, slightly to the right of the woolly door. It can be viewed Wednesdays in the period from button to gate.

Civil servant discovers strange carpet

Yesterday a small portion of porridge was spotted driving up the Hillerød highway without spoon or plate. The only trace of it was a magic carpet which was discovered by an civil servant on the date of departure.

Movie star Tom Cruise starts in the first class

“Me stupid!” Tom Cruise gets a hysterical fit of laughter over his uncertain English when Othernewspaper.com meets him in front of Brogade School on Nøddevænget.

“Therefore me starts in the first class. Because me stupid!” Tom Cruise laughs again. A mother who comes along with her baby and instantly recognizes the Hollywood star breaks into a smile that gets 20 sheep to come into the school yard. She saves the situation by holding a huge X against the sun. Tom Cruise laughs disarmingly and takes off one shoe. “You have flour?”, he asks the young woman. “I like to put flour in shoes. Hahaha! I put flour in shoes.“

The woman catches the hint and put Tom Cruise into a beautiful purple box.

“Now me live in a box” laughs Tom Cruise from the box.

Greek searches for Russian who hasn’t disappeared

“38…39…40…I’m coming! Is he behind the curtain? No. Has he been hiding here behind the armchair? No! Perhaps behind the sofa… No, it goes up to the wall.”

When othernewspaper.com arrives, the search is on-going, the Greek walking around looking while the Russian stands in the middle of the floor. We have translated from Russian to Greek.

“Hello!”, laughs the Russian. “I simply cannot find him!…”

Misunderstood but quite clever

Olle Petersen is sitting in front of the photographer. “I want to look like Bergman.” “No, stop looking like Bergman! Take your hands down!” “Ai, but try to think of hands the next time you drive through a city. Look out the window. Everything was built with hands like mine and yours.” “I can only see a pear tree. Take your hands down and look more friendly!” “Don’t I look friendly? How about this?” Snap snap. The photographer presents a few of, by Olles standards, uncommonly common opinions. “I’ll never learn to regard me. Just me.” Snap snap. The photographer takes a sip of tea. He meets a lot of hysterical persons in his profession. Olle Petersen is misunderstood but quite clever. Evening falls in Henrik.

Capitalist: “Growth is a kind of doll to me”

“Growth is a kind of doll to me. Though I must say I don’t play with dolls anymore.”

“What’s that?”

The Other Newspaper’s reporter points at the doll on the floor.

“It’s something private. Something invisible. Something I play with. No. Did I just say that?”

“You said it.”

“Did I?”

“Yes.”

“What did I say?”

“You said that you are playing with the doll.”

“But that’s Trine. Come here Trine. Easy now. Mommy’s here.”

The Other Newspaper presents: The joke about Lester, Gregor and that old lady

Lester Crownsable, an attorney and nudist, walks through a public park in New Hampshire, butt naked. Suddenly he has a stroke and can’t remember anything. He asks an old lady, feeding the pigeons, who he is.

“Your’e Gregor Kennedy, now put on some clothes you filthy bastard!”

“I’m Gregor Kennedy? If I’m Gregor Kennedy, then who, pray tell me, are you?”

“I’m Roberta Entwhistle, now take this here shawl and my umbrella and go to work!”

“Where do I work?”

“In front of this here tree. See? You’re a nut!”

The attorney stands in front of the tree for fifteen years, working as a village idiot, until one day he suddenly regains his memory.

“Now I remember everything!”

The tree looks at him and starts to laugh.

“Why are you laughing?” asks the man. “Because of a an old joke that came to my mind.”

“Would you tell me the joke before I go home to dine with my family?”

“Certainly.” And the tree starts to tell the story of the man:

“Lester Crownsable, an attorney and nudist, walks through a public park in New Hampshire, butt naked…”

When the tree gets to the point where the tree ends the story told this far, Lester Crownsable asks:

“What happens after I go home?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a tree, not a magician.”

“You look more like a magician.”

“Why?”

“Because of that long, black hat you’re wearing!”

The Other Newspaper presents: The joke about the Internet

A young man exclaims:

“Hey, you shouldn’t sit here, you should be at work, otherwise Google won’t function and Facebook will be out of order!”

The Internet, always grumpy, replies:

“Bartender! Gimme a beer. Who is this fella who cares so much for those two idiots?”

The bartender smiles and says: “You’re the Internet, you know everything.”

The young guy whispers his IP address in the ear of the Internet.

The Internet, a very shy personality, blushes, whispers something back in the young mans ear, takes his hand and leaves the bar.

The bartender stares at the young man and asks: “Where’s your hand? What did she whisper?”

“Happy birthday!”

Lost skier lived in a house made of keys

The skier Pliper Doof holds up a key.

“That’s my souvenir.”

What is it?

“It’s a small key. I lived in a house made of keys.”

How aaaawesome! Just imagine: Not only was Pliper Doof lost, but he lived in a house made of keys.

(Applause)

“This key was the lever for the toilet. I took it as a souvenir.”

But then other missing skiers are not able to pull out when they are on the toilet.

“Oh yes. I built a new lever and put it in.”

Gooood boy! (Pads Pliper Doof on the head.)

Hottentot Island: Demand for people with fully legal but unreasonable requirements

Hottentots are quite small. Now they have settled on an island to be left in peace. From all the tall ones. But if you are small and have fully legal needs that are quite unreasonable, the little strange ones offer a free ferry ticket. Do you fancy being awakened by a self-important person who, by mistake, wishes you a happy birthday by a text message?

Postman receives tax return in nuts

A postman from these parts (“from these parts” – what does he mean!?) has, as mentioned in the heading (“as mentioned in the heading” – highly unconventional! Unreasonable!) received a … and it’s a postman that never quits, he is out in all weather. Once he rode through a tree without knocking! And the tree was as thick as this! Why then this rattling squirrel currency just because he writes about himself instead of fun stuff? Why punish another of these fools who can not make a good joke? That’s why I returned the whole lot. How to get rid of all the hazelnuts is a source of continued bewilderment. I left them on the high table in the kettle room where they are now gathering dust while I’m sitting here with my nutcracker. Liszt plays in the background, and he has to stick to that the future, the background.

Shoe polish find gives rise to concern

»Shoe polish is not a result. Not in these surroundings where it is swarming with dinosaurs. Had I found shoe polish on the moon, I would have wondered. If I had found shoe polish in the oven at home, I might have given a little smile. But what does the moon have to do with the oven at home and where have I put my gloves?« Archaeologist Thomas Clausen makes a sweeping gesture and a small blob of toothpaste flies through the air from the toothbrush. It lands on his shoes. He shakes a small stove, despondently.

Hat self-ignites in 5th attempt

Ejnar Kruse owns a hat. Last spring he lent it to five others so that they could copy it. Then they began. The hat was measured and its materials analyzed and purchased. Jakob analyzed and Ulrik purchased, because at the time Ulrik had the most money. When the hat was finally completed after months of careful and pleasant planning it actually succeeded in self-igniting in the 5th attempt.

Peeing tiger solves ancient riddle

Do you know the feeling that someone is watching you? A kind of sixth sense. Researchers in the United States and a peeing tiger have just confirmed the feeling and determined that someone is watching you and, further, that this person is Allan from the headland. When The Other Newspaper arrives, Allan is just standing there, staring in front of him. The reporter gets a lump in his throat, as if everything has already been said. Is Allan pleading with us to just drink our coffee and say thank you and leave? “I do not really have much to say. I’ve seen most of it. Most of it.” On the way back to the car, we stumble in a sprinkler. “Did you see his eyes. He was so sad.” “He’ll get over it.” “How do you know?” “I am, with all due respect, more experienced in life than you are.” “But you speak Spanish with yourself.”

Grape celebrates New Year every day

A particularly delicious grape, one of those sitting in a smaller cluster that you can easily pluck from a bigger, celebrates New Year’s Eve every night together with the other fruits in Rema 1000 in Knoter. In the well-stocked supermarket, lots of peanuts are eaten. The small game Krifton is extremely popular.

Rose offers bear help on difficult hill

A difficult hill was infuriated yesterday in Kajdrup when a good-sized rose helped a good-sized bear up. “That’s spectacular! That’s strong!” This is what the queen’s magistrate uttered yesterday in an ultra-brief rose agreement nonsense press release. In the comment field of the daily newspaper Financial Times, the development was followed closely, only interrupted by lunch and someone scratching herself.

Bag of salt falls in love with mill

In the first hesitant beginnings of spring you can see a strange sight every evening in the lovely hills. A bag of salt that sings serenades and falls in with the gentle turning of the arms of the mill. Bring vinegar and two sugarcubes. This is where it happens! When The Other Newspaper arrives, the big topic of the conversation is the other two lovers, the two moose below the hill. The bag and the mill look through each their own* binoculars, in different sizes, of course. What did you expect? With the usual sense of timing, the bag steps to the right and overturns The Other Newspaper’s employee as the moose cow replaces her robe with four slightly flat shoes. A puddle taps the window. The two Irish people mix with the two Indians on the dance floor.

The encyclopedia of the misery of the past becomes boring on page 8

All the unfortunate events of all the lives of all the people in the past have now been gathered in the book “Stop Tickling Me!” The author succeeds in her endeavor, but only partially…

Interpretation 1: This text focuses on the weirdness of thinking about things like “all the unfortunate events of all the people in the past”. On the strangeness of the actual thought movement.

Jabberwocky

The strangeness of that box of chocolate right there.

Obama’s father paints the garage yellow

This morning on NBC, viewers could see a surprised Anorak Obama. As she woke up and got out of bed, she was met with a strange sight. Her husband Skagerrak Obama had finally painted the garage except for three minor unfinished patches and the whole backside that is not visible from the house.

Interpretation 1: It is beyond the reach of the media to write an article similar with this. Why? (That’s easy to answer.)

Jabberwocky

Why? (That’s cheesy to answer.)

The Letters for Michael Jackson

Someone is going to grieve at themselves in these times because all the letters addressed to the great recording artist are published for the first time on Penguin Press. The release is divided into two parts and contains, first of all, a statistical survey in which the letters have been reviewed by the author with the intention of revealing the sender’s dreams and aspirations by submitting the letter to the now deceased star in the first place. About 50 percent imagine a personal meeting. About 10 percent imagines a personal response. These are figures that can almost bring one to tears over the naivety of the writers. The other half of the work consists of carefully selected, often quite inventive, suggestions to the star, often of a quite subtle nature. This reviewer was pleased by the fact that the number of pages did not exceed 150. In several ways it is an important work for our times. Four stars out of six possible.

Interpretation 1: There is something at stake, there is a certain wonder why such a work will never see the light of the day because the world is such and so. But what does it mean that: “the world should prevent such a release”? Would the world be a better place, simply if there was such a “cheesy” work?

Jabberwocky

Would the world be a better place, simply if there was such a crazy work?

Uncle confirmed by mistake during baptism

Allan Sørensen experienced something rather odd the other Sunday when he participated in the baptism of his little half-year-old cousin Rebekka. There was clutter in the priest’s planning or head, for in the midst of the baptism Allan was confirmed. “It’s the whole party that’s watching me, you have to understand. I lost my understanding of the situation. It had to be.” That is what Allan Sørensen said afterwards.

Interpretation 1: “It’s the whole party that’s watching me …” In this language-use we are allowed to be self-ironic: We are uncertain of whether we could find ourselves letting a festive group pressure weigh heavier than our inner-most feelings and religious point of view.

Jabberwocky

We are uncertain.

More than Half of the Labor Market is Labor-market-ish

Lasse Fjord Bindesbøll meets The Other Newspaper in the executive corridor after a strenuous strategy meeting on Asia. In seven years, the Hillerød company Knurhår Inc grew at record speed and now counts seventeen “hugely skilled people like myself” as Bindesbøll maintains with a little smile from the couch in meeting room 1, overlooking Grib Forest. “It is a very labor-market-ish labor market we are seeing today. You rarely see a person who just comes in and smells of himself and behaves a bit oddly or nicely. Such a person will be nicely accompanied outside.”

Interpretation 1: This text quietly asks if we want to be labor-market-ish and if we want a working day to be that.

Jabberwocky

…and if we want a working day to be hat.

Authors are robbed during Christmas

According to Jørgen Eno Nielsen from State Police, many authors, especially exquisite and lesser known ones, are experiencing break-ins where their unfinished manuscripts disappear without a trace. “Fortunately, there are many backup options on the Internet today and most people make sure to send the manuscripts to themselves by mail. But the thieves like to sit with handwritten sheets and explore,” says Jørgen Eno Nielsen. Asked directly if Jørgen Eno Nielsen himself is a burglar, he admits: “Yes. I make sure to do something criminal every day. In that way I feel alright.”

Interpretation 1: This text questions what literary value is and why it can not be equated with material value. Imagine if thieves stole draft poems?

Jabberwocky

Imagine if thieves.

Interacting with Olsen

Henrik Olsen, who was voted the country’s best husband for the second consecutive year, made a pass at a 18-year-old woman in a supermarket in Tårnby on the island of Amager. She later expressed her confusion to The Other Newspaper with the words “I would like to get fucked by him”. Olsen was in a pique the following day as headlines in all the country’s newspapers repeated the words of the woman.

Interpretation 1: This text questions, in a kind way, what it really means when the media appoints people to be loving, moral, for instance by bringing a portrait where they look nice.

Jabberwocky

Look nice.

Queuing Culture in Denmark Impeded by Repeated Cheating

When a dane is waiting to come to checkout at the country’s stores, we cheat on average 60 times. This causes some to run back and forth. Bags are forgotten and new acquaintances are made.

Interpretation 1: A loving note of what rarely happens in the supermarket: Adults get childish and bewildered.

Jabberwocky

Adults get fishy and bewildered.

Apple Polisher Asks Teacher whether to Begin with Zero when Counting to 10

Teaching profession deeply divided.

Mayor: They Don’t Screw at the Men’s Brothel

According to Louis Jensen, from the small northern town of According, there is too little activity at the men’s brothel in 11 Fitzercorner, where 11 men live and work to the amazement of the other residents. “We usually play with them if I have my child with me. Typically my kids will have a fun hour playing with them while I get a cup of tea.”

Interpretation 1: This text examines the language transitions between the gender role debate and how we actually are.

Jabberwocky

Fnuger.

The Media Select the World’s Strangest Time of Day