Cradle of evil E-Book

Ronja Tyren

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 564

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2019

Beschreibung

For those looking for action and excitement, this is the reading for you. From this stunning growth story, you'll notice how big a person can grow when giving the opportunity and being genuinely brave. Tessa, an ordinary woman, leaves Finland to New York to be invisible and to get rid of the unpleasant stamp on her forehead. Disappointed in her relationship, Tessa fears losing the ability to love, so a real break from past life is necessary. Saying; "Beware of what you hope for, because your wishes may come true" is true, and Tessa's life changes completely. Earlier, Tessa's life included the tasks of a teacher of art in Finland, and a quiet little hometown where the wolf moved in the hordes. Slowly but surely, Tessa's life in New York is dipped by former agent Steve, accompanied by the deadly dangerous psychopath Ali. Luckily for everyone, the package also includes a charmingly sharp-tongued agent, Ricky. Ali´s lunatic, all-destructive tentacles are global. In order to overcome them, Finnish perseverance, persistance and sincerity are required. It is these traits in Tessa that ultimately are noticed also by Russia's Special Forces.

Leseprobe

Author´s greetings;

This book was first published in Finnish in 2015. Then there was only the first part. In 2016, the second part was released, and in 2018, I made a first common version of those books in Finnish.

In the fall of 2016, I hurt my ankle badly, its treatment was prolonged, and for that reason I couldn't step on my feet for a long time. I need to have something to do, otherwise the walls will fall over so I started to translate my books in English. Of course, according to the feedback I had received, there might be a need for this book in English.

In a way, I have studied English for about two years by translating this book. Not the easiest task, but I did it. Thanks for all the help along this trip!

This book is fictional.

p.s; Morrison is a he and not it, because I love my dogs, (who really exists), truly. <3

With love; Ronja Tyren

Contents

1. Chapter

2. Chapter

3. Chapter

4. Chapter

5. Chapter

6. Chapter

7. New York

8. New York

9. New York

10. Tessa arrives in New York

11. Chapter

13. Chapter

14. Chapter

15. Chapter

16. Chapter

17. Chapter

18. Chapter

19. Chapter

20. Chapter

21. Chapter

22. Chapter

23. Chapter

24. Chapter

25. Chapter

26. Chapter

28. Chapter

29. Chapter

30. Chapter

31. Chapter

32. Chapter

Part II: Greetings to darkness

Prolog

1. Chapter

2. Chapter

3. Chapter

4. Chapter

5. Chapter

6. Chapter

8. Chapter

9. Chapter

11. Chapter

12. Chapter

13. Chapter

14. Chapter

15. Chapter

16. Chapter

17. Chapter

18. Chapter

19. Chapter

20. Chapter

21. Chapter

1.

That woman is going to shoot me, I thought, when I felt a gun on my head. I was on my knees in a musty smelly room with concrete floor, and my hands were clasped behind my head. My gaze was to the floor.

I looked, however, the woman who walked back and forth around me. This was not the first time someone was trying to kill me, but this time it was a woman who was very beautiful. She spoke in a surprisingly gentle tone of voice. Even though that what she said did not contain any gentle words.

-Your partner is going to be killed, he is certainly being tortured. I won´t bother, I was thinking just shoot your brain to decorate the wall.

I was repelled by the idea, but somehow I had to get away from this situation, and therefore I´d have to kill her.

It was such a waste of a beautiful woman. Someone like her should be in another kind of work, not swinging with a gun, and especially not the wrong side of the law.

I heard the click from the gun, and at that second I acted. I had to fight to get the gun away from her.

When I managed to do so, I shot.

It took only one shot and she was dead on the ground. Lifeless, all bloody faced, no longer a beautiful woman´s body. Not even a moment I felt sorrow or pity, I was just wondering how and when her life had gone wrong.

-You chose the wrong guy, I said to the dead woman. But who was I to judge anyone? I certainly was not a bachelor of dreams, even if I was acting on the right side of the law. This kind of life was not a treat to any woman, I had already noticed. One second I thought, I did not enjoyed this myself.

In this lifestyle, there was not a shred of sense. Dead body was like watching me, and I decided that if I could get me and my partner out of here alive, where the hell we were, I would start a new, different life.

I got up and went directly to the door and opened it quietly. I looked in each direction and when I didn't see anyone, I left the room with a gun in my hand.

Down the hall was the staircase and I assumed that on the opposite wall would be a door. I hoped I was right, because I wanted out of this strange building.

The corridor was endless stale air, and I noticed a lot of doors. Ricky could be behind any of them, but I didn't take the risk to open any of them and get both of us shot.

I felt like I was in a movie like Saw, and soon I'd have to saw body parts off myself. It felt unreal to go along the corridor, which was nothing more than a dim light and a dusty, stale air. I assumed that this awful place was once one of the old slaughterhouses, or an old mental hospital. I knew deep down that I was very, very far from home.

Suddenly I heard gunshots. I stood still and listened to more gunshots and sounds that would came after them, like running or screaming. My gun was ready to spit out the burning, muscles ripping, deadly demons and I listened carefully.

I stood still just to hear everywhere and everything from my spot.

Someone ran upstairs and shouted:

-You fucking junkies! Steve, where the hell are you?!

It was Ricky, my partner and my friend, who shouted.

Thank God he is alive!

I started running towards the staircase, and a likely door.

I looked quickly up at the staircase. Ricky was coming from that direction, judging by steps.

-Ricky! I'm down here! I shouted and I turned towards the door, which fortunately for us was actually there. I figured that there would certainly be some kind of vehicle outside, that could get us out of here. I did not care if it would be a tank, but I was going to get the hell out of here and start a new life. A taste of freedom in my mouth I rushed out through the door and at that moment, what I saw, I was stopped dead.

-No way! Hell no! I yelled, and I could not believe my eyes. Water! We were surrounded by water as the earth has completely lost under it, just plain damn water!

I started looking for a boat. I tried to stay low so nobody could see me. Just in case if someone stayed alive in that strange institution.

After a short searching I noticed that there was no boat, but suddenly my eyes hit a lump.

I started to walk hunched towards it, and when I was closer, I noticed that for this lump had been built its own landing area. What I saw was a helicopter.

I watched the handsome size of the chopper and decided to get us home with it, even if I'd fly all the way backwards.

Having no idea how the chopper is controlled, I went to sit in the cabin to wait for Ricky. I didn't want to waste a second, only wanted to get out of here as soon as possible, and alive.

I had already briefly acquainted with my new vehicle and suddenly I heard Ricky swearing:

- Damned venom mouths! All those nuts should be sent into space forever! There in space they can float and think was it worth to kill their own mother, or in general: anyone! And was it worth to fuck with me! A black hole will swallow those that karma can´t hit!

Ricky climbed into the passenger seat and I noticed his bloody hands. In fact, he was pretty much completely covered with blood.

– What the hell? I asked.

– Those pigs took my left hand thumb, index finger and my biggest love: the middle finger. They cut it off like a piece of cake, Ricky replied. He began to be pale, so this thing should be in the air as soon as possible.

– I am glad that it is you who is right, at least mostly, Steve.

They threatened to cut off all my fingers, unless I would give names to them, or information about the two of us. I'm sure they knew anyway who we work for. They just wanted to see some blood.

Ricky pointed to the information which I had given to Ali. A drug king, whose territory and connections were already so extensive, that the world will need soon new lands, if that man would not stop his evil ways. I had infiltrated to work for him, and when he began to trust in my abilities, I recruited Ricky in.

Of course I lied everything about Ricky, including his left-handedness. He was not, obviously, very grateful about that issue. He had already got along better with his right hand for the past 35 years.

I listened to Ricky at the same time when I started running the chopper up.

–I shot those bastards enlarged brain out. They got off far too easy if you ask me. No information about Ali, I have not seen that coward anywhere. Probably he is already out of this godforsaken island.

I looked at my partner, my best friend and I said:

– I shot his wife, Ricky.

The chopper got quiet, really quiet. Silence can really absorb everything: breath, breeze, even the sound of helicopter blades.

Ricky looked at me and he came off even paler, if possible.

–Are you crazy? Do you have any idea what you've done? You will be nailed like Jesus was nailed to the cross, do you understand?!

Ricky trembled in his seat.

–That woman was about to shoot my bald spot on the wall for decoration, do you understand?

– THAT woman is Ali´s TREASURE! Do you realize that? He is going to make you pay for this!

–That woman tripped over her own arrogance, so Ali will do.

– That woman had chosen her husband herself, Ricky snorted.

I looked at my friend with concern, and said that now it is the time to fly away and take him to the hospital.

– Can you fly a helicopter?

–I've never flown, it can't be that difficult.

– Yes it can be. We're going to die.

– You chose the ride on your own, I answered and concentrated on the helicopter.

Ali lied under the blanket completely quiet even if he wanted to kill those both agent bastards immediately, and even though his sweat was bursting from every pore. They had agreed with Amy that if anything goes wrong, they would lie in the chopper under the blanket as long as someone would fly the helicopter to help them out, or when it was safe to fly by themselves.

The chopper rose into the air, Ali had counted on that, but he surely will not forget that Steve had killed his beloved Amy.

Intense, dark curls, vanilla-scented Amy. Although Steve was brave and quick-witted man who was helping him, Ali, getting off the island, Amy's death could not be ignored. The fact that Amy will never touch him again, it felt maddeningly unbearable! His treasure had to be buried forever, and he'll never get to enjoy it again! Moreover, Amy had been carrying his children. Anger began to grow inside of Ali. Anger was churning in his veins, and it burned a grief which strives to the surface.

Sorrow was burned in vengeance of shards. Fragments of the revenge will not be like trickling tears from his cheeks. Fragments of the revenge tore Ali´s soul, grate the inside of his soul to remember all the pain and loss, and it made his soul even darker.

They continued to cut increasingly ugly face to his soul. The face that Ali would always see when he closes his eyes and that is why he would woke up every night in a cold sweat. Their ugliness would make him scream at night in horror. Ugliness would make his heart beat so wildly that his whole body would pound with the rate of the heartbeat.

Ali´s soul has the devil's face, because he wouldn´t shed a tear for his loved one, no, only blood.

He would avenge the death of his loved one, just as Dracula took revenge on a loved one´s suicide. Ali wanted blood, and blood he would shed. But he decided to be patient, because revenge must be the worst possible kind, one that his child´s murderer deserves.

Plan in Ali´s sick, vengeful mind started ticking, at the same time when the chopper started to get the right direction in the sky.

2.

Finland

February 2011

Thousands of miles away in the cold winter night sat the red-haired, green-eyed young woman. Her gaze was sad, and the disappointment in her eyes revealed amount of loss, if someone would look in to her eyes. She had a cigarette in her hand, her only comforter, a vice she tried to let go.

She always knew when tobacco ran out. But the end of the relationships she could not be sure, ever. As long as the cigarette lit, she was thinking, she was brooding:

I don't trust anyone. Does anyone else know how it feels, I thought to myself, not really asking from anyone, and yet hoping that every person in the world would hear my silent question.

I wanted to trust, and I had tried, but unfortunately with poor results. Better to be alone, live only to myself, because the only person I can trust, based on the recent happenings, is me. Tears were rising again into my green eyes. I didn't let them to come.

I didn't want to mourn. I didn´t want to live feeling like this. Why was I so easily hurt?

The world seemed confusing and unreliable. Maybe it is not the whole world to blame, only the people in it.

I was one of them who did not understand where was the entertaining part to film drunken, when they betrayed their partners and had sex in front of everyone. From the bottom of my heart I hated those TV-shows which had that overwhelming ingenious plot. Those shows were like a bar with a sauna, beds and cameras. I had always hated drunken weepers and whiners, so why would I want to watch how people who didn´t even knew each other, were fighting with each other and criticized each other somewhere in the diary room? In real life diary was a secret for a reason. Why sex, sorrow and love, people´s most personal things had become such things that may just be showing to everyone?

Love existed only for entertainment, no longer for brave people.

People were so easily for sale nowadays.

A real nature documentary can´t be made of human being. You can´t do the truth based research of people, at least not in a way when their odd living conditions are filmed continuously. A man is not himself in front of the cameras, especially when participation for the program could mean a prize of tens of thousands. I didn´t see anything socially significant in the TV-shows like that, and not in those people either.

I blew smoke tangles, they were clearly visible even farther also because it was minus fifteen degrees, so the smoke tangles were like white light.

Maybe I hated that show because I hated right now, and in general, bars. I hated all that alcohol had taken from me and I didn't want my own TV to show me that. From the television came the news and it was the only socially significant program, I thought. I stub out the cigarette, but I didn't go inside yet. I didn't want to, even though the frost hit really coldly on my toes.

I did not really smoke, I was an amateur. It was just a bad habit from my old life, left with the way to smoke when anger or frustration was so intense that I wanted to react to it, but I didn't know how, so I had a spare pack just in case.

I did not understand how it was possible that some got away with it, if they were drunk when doing wrong towards one another. It was merely forgivable when the alcohol content in blood is high and the primitiveness of the people had taken power. If love was only worth of infidelity, that kind of love should be forgotten.

All the world's explanations of how a man should take care of the fact that he could be a father for as many children as possible in this world, that's why he cheated, were maddeningly stupid explanation and a miserable attempt to escape responsibility.

Are cheating women then manly woman? Barely not.

The world is already overpopulated, and not all women even want children, or being in a relationship with a man while having a child, so men should think again what their mission in the world was.

The woman has submitted a claim to the man. Quickies are no longer enough in the first place, but need for a soul mate is vivid, and if not a soul mate, at least more affectionate lover and a partner.

World is hard for those who had more love to give. I, at least, missed the man who would let women to think for themselves. A man who loves himself in a way, that he is able to love and respect other living beings. It seemed like an appealing and safe idea, and I knew at the same time that it would not exist. To men sex seem to be enough, at least enough of them to have this opinion. How many men have dared to meet this challenge, to be a man anyway, with the pants on?

I didn't want to believe that men would be the only undeveloped creatures in the world. Or were they after all? I honestly did not want to think like that.

Can there be, somewhere, a little more sophisticated individual?

Maybe in space? It would be more than nice to meet him, although X-files did not gave a very flattering picture of the aliens either.

Frost bites my toes and the top of my nose forcing me to step inside, even if I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. I was annoyed.

The apartment was filled with in an anxious mood, had been ever since I got to hear that my trust was betrayed. I had the full right to hate men. I looked at the couch, and there he was lying, the blond haired man. I couldn´t believe how quickly love can turn to hate. In a blink of an eye your whole life could, without warning, turn into a completely different.

Because of drinking.

In real life.

What is not recorded.

It felt like I lived for nothing, at least not for myself, but for others. I didn't want to put that man in the same series with my biological father or with my ex or my friend´s ex. Sadly, he got there, in the lowest caste of the wreckage. I felt such a huge sadness, because I had lost in an instant the man who I had honored, loved and appreciated. To reach that space, love and trust, required a long time. Now that time seemed pointless, like it was completely irrelevant.

Why should I trust, when life taught me all the time not to?

Again I remembered that night when he told me what he have done, yes, that much he was a man, and he told me himself. My heart began pounding again, eyes got wet. I noticed that he had cried again too. It felt wrong when I could not comfort him, crying should be comforted. My heart collapsed. Life made me harder than what I really wanted to be. I wanted to love and be good to people. I just never seemed to have a chance, only just for a little while.

Morrison came to me with a strap in its mouth. I grabbed it behind the ears and then kissed him on the forehead. It wagged its tail and looked at me with his brown, wise, bright eyes.

Dogs should not be humanized, but yes, this German shepherd, my dog Morrison saved me from the biggest flip ever. I clicked the strap in the neck collar and we went for a walk. I nearly cried, and it annoyed me more. Fortunately, we did not live in the city. We saw only trees around us. I walked with terribly fast pace, just like the pain I had in me, could be walked away.

I felt that my heart and the whole body were torn apart. I had to struggle every day with myself not to get, longing for closeness, close to the man who had betrayed me.

It was miserable to live with a man in the same household, to who you didn´t speak anymore and who you didn´t touch anymore. A travesty of a relationship, which had previously been laughter and love.

Who wouldn't argue, but we were made for each other, along to the mother-in-law. Like something evil had touched our relationship with the black, rotten fingers and turned it in to a track where it was not supposed to ever go. Life gives bad things in front of everyone and relationship has to survive from them.

Unemployment, birth of a child or infertility, death in the family, a new job, and these things just rains all over you. Why do people have to go to increase their pain? Why do people have to test their final borders? Not all of stuff can be survived. Such stupidity does not need to be survived. This shouldn't have happened! This should have been prevented!

Landscapes past us at the same time while new stars lifted up to the sky and other stars fell. Frost pinched my cheeks and Morrison's beard began to fog up, his breath was steaming and his tongue was hanging out. The snow crunched with every step that I took with my shoes, on the snowy, cold ground.

My thighs were absolutely on fire and I decided that at the next post I would turn back. I knew that some kind of turn is also need to be done with my life. In my mind there was only one question, a big one, and I was scared to answer it. My face turned bleak from concern, I feared what kind of answer I'd end up: How much you need to experience, before something new is no longer able to start? I was already so broken, so full of fear and sadness, disbelief towards men, I'd never get what I had always dreamed of?

I had always wanted a family.

The family may also include only two people who are important to each other, but precisely that´s why it can be called a family. The family consist the most beloved and the most important people, no matter how many people is in.

I had always wanted a family, but that happiness is not for me obviously, only cheaters.

Somehow it seemed to me, that it would have been more merciful to strip me naked, throw completely devoid of protection to the crowd in the middle of the cold winter nights, and see how long it takes that someone kind-hearted would give his jacket to me. That's the way I would find the right partner. I couldn't believe I would found it from the bar.

I stayed for a moment to stand on the bridge, Morrison sniffed intently the air. It could smell the wolves, which were told to be rolling around. I looked to the lake behind the woods and I saw with my mind´s eye the wolf pack, their bloody paws and snout which sniffed the ground.

Big furry ears that now were moving when they heard Morrison's quiet growl. Yellow eyes were looking at us who were standing on the bridge. They were looking at us behind from the lake, from the woods. They were looking at us, because we were the intruders. I leaned on the railing and sighed deeply, for a moment I was jealous of the wolves about how sensible their interaction was. Not like the wolves fell in love. Or did they, I asked in my mind and looked thoughtfully there, where the wolves were.

I expected some kind of response but I didn´t get any. I knew already, that I would miss this place very much. I loved nature so deeply, that´s why this place had felt like home.

I looked at the dark, starry sky. I said goodbye to the world's most beautiful sky, here was definitely the universe's brightest diamonds. They wished me good luck, wherever I wanted to go, or at least I wanted to think so.

– Morrison. Let's go, come on!

The wolves and the diamond sky, they would be now far behind me, and in front of me would inevitably be moving back to the city, where I had once already escaped from this same pain. I had to bite my teeth so hard, that my cheeks drizzled.

I took Morrison home and in a second I was out to go practicing. I just grabbed my bag and left without saying a thing.

I drove too fast, but then what? No one else cared about anything, why should I? I parked in the yard and said hello to the other trainers. Today I'd kick my heart out of the chest. I'd hit with that stick so hard that my wrists will burn. I would break myself, so I could get complete again.

Kung-Fu, my life savior.

3.

Meanwhile in America, Steve and Ricky landed successfully on the roof of the hospital. Steve had seen the white tick on the roof and felt happy about it, while Ricky had begun to lost track of time and place.

– You'll get help buddy. Just a second, hold on Ricky!

In the hospital, Dr. Mike Hamilton was on the top floor waiting for the helicopter to arrive. They were notified of a patient who had received disease attack while driving a car. Suddenly Mike heard chopper blades fluttering sound, and he wondered how it could be there already.

Mike opened the door and looked at the sky. There was a black helicopter quite soon landing on the roof. The doctor called right away to that other coming chopper that they should fly to another hospital which was close. Mike was wondering should he call the guards, but decided not to. Instead, he called the nurse for help and went ahead to see what was the situation in the chopper.

A groggy and bloody man came out from the chopper.

Beside him walked a man, who was not wounded. He helped the wounded one to walk.

For a moment Mike was worried that he did not call the guards, but it was too late to back off.

– What's the matter?! Mike shouted and ran towards the men.

Wounded handed Mike his hand which was wrapped with some cloth, that was now completely blood-stained. If it ever was a cloth, no one could say what kind of, or what color it had been.

Mike took the wounded man beneath his arms and helped him to walk. He did not bother to ask anything anymore and decided to leave the questions later. The most important thing was to get this man back in shape; he had lost a lot of blood.

When Ricky had been in surgery for some time, Steve sat outside the room waiting and wondering what to do next. He would write the report and after its submission, he would start a new life. How and when would he tell Ricky about his plans?

They had been partners for over ten years. Could he live without the excitement work brought? How would he adapt to the so-called ordinary life?

The nurse came out from the room and noticed Steve was in his thoughts.

–Hey. Your friend will be all right, he'll stay for the night for observation. He had lost so much blood that loss of consciousness is still possible. He need to rest now, nurse said, touching Steve's hand.

– Thank you for the information, can I go to see him or is the doctor still sewing him back together?

– You can go. He may be a little hopped up on pain meds and the anesthesia.

–Thanks again for everything, Steve said and went to Ricky's room.

Dr. Hamilton was in the room and when Steve stepped in, he asked:

–Hello again Steve, can I ask where did you two came from and how he got into that accident? Doctor pointed Ricky, who was lying bored in a hospital bed. Like Ricky had been a prisoner of the bed at least for a week. Even a slightest bit of Ricky did not seem that he would be messed up from anesthesia.

Steve looked at the floor and showed his own badge.

–We were doing our job, I don't know exactly where, until it all went wrong and now here we are. I don't know who owns that helicopter, but I know that those men, who cut off Ricky's fingers, are now dead.

Doctor listened and asked whether he can still help them somehow.

Helicopter should, however, get off the roof, as there was a new patient on the way.

Steve said he has the men to fly it off just at this moment.

Dr. Hamilton left wishing all the best for men, and Steve stayed in Ricky's company.

– I don't want to be here anymore, Ricky said.

–You've only been here for like a few hours.

– Still, this is boring. And I can't get my job done in a long time because of this hand. How will you cope without me? Don't you dare to replace me with someone younger.

Steve didn't say anything. His laugh was somehow subdued.

– What? Did something happen? Ricky looked at Steve.

–Well, not really.

– Talk to me God damn it!

Steve sighed and said that he is about to quit. Ricky's face turned pale again.

– You go to hell! You can't be serious, you're only thirty-six! What are you going to do until your retirement? Sell donuts at the market?

– And you think that is all I can do?

– You're just too good as an agent to be anything else!

– Ricky, I'm really tired. We were both much too close to die this time. It is getting out of hand. This time they cut your fingers. Next time it's your head, and you know it.

– You're giving up because my fingers are shorter? You can't leave this all, just like that!

– It would take a whole army that Ali and his partners get caught!

We can't do it!

The room became quiet. Men looked at each other without saying a word. The silence deepened even further, until Steve decided to leave. Ricky hoped, when the door closed, that he could be a woman, so he could be bawling his eyes out and he wouldn´t need to be ashamed.

A few hours later Steve sat in front of his boss. Ray looked at him quietly, not smiling but not brooding either. Ray was a grey haired, tall man, and the fairest man Steve had ever met. Ray was a strong man, and he had a strong man's will.

– Are you absolutely sure about your decision, Steve?

– I am, chief, Steve replied.

– If this thing had only once occurred...

–It's not a one-time-thing. The entire case, the whole time I thought I wanted to quit. My life is nothing but this shit constantly and it is wrong.

– Maybe if you talked to a psychologist, which you should have done already. It is quite normal to want something beautiful in your life, especially when you do this kind of work, Ray still coaxed.

– I don´t need a psychologist. I've made my decision. I have considered this for a long time. I know what I want, and I want to quit.

Ray fell in silent, dropped his gaze down and rolled his fingers around the pencil. In reality, he wanted to throw every single thing off from the table. He was frustrated, because Steve was the best agent of his time.

– It is a pity to lose an agent like you.

– There will be others, believe me, Steve consoled.

Hardly, Ray thought, and took guns and badge which Steve put on the table. Ray decided to keep them still for a moment before he would mark them unused. Maybe Steve was just freaked out and soon he would be himself again.

A moment later Steve returned to his office that he had shared with Ricky. He sat down in his chair and sighed deeply. He knew that over ten years as an agent will not just disappear from his mind.

Steve also knew that the new life which was waiting for him might not please him. But he also knew that he couldn´t stay in this place.

He crossed his hands behind his head and leaned properly back with his chair, he tossed his chair back and forth and fell into his thoughts.

– Why do you do that?

Surprisingly, Ricky's voice was heard behind him.

– Do what, leave?

– No, why are you twitching like you need to take a leak, Ricky blurted out.

– What are you doing here? Why aren't you in the hospital?

–Why should I rot in there? I'm all right.

Steve chuckled and got serious then.

– Ali will get even with you Steve, Ricky said.

– So? Where the hell did that guy disappeared anyway?

Ali wasn't heard or seen anywhere.

– It is currently being examined, Ricky replied.

–Maybe you should forget the whole thing, or at least to say so to others and you could study on your own, Steve proposed.

– Are you thinking that somebody here...? Ricky was astonished.

– You never know. Can anyone be trusted?

–I at least trusted you. I still don't understand what you strive for your new life, Ricky said indignantly.

– My purpose in life can't be that I shoot people´s brain on the wall.

–It was a crazy and foolish woman, who almost by the way shot you, in case you don't remember! The purpose of life is not to think about the purpose of life. Where are you going to go now anyway?

– I will visit my parents, Steve replied.

–Well, run away from the world, right in to mother´s arms.

– No, it is not like that. I care about them.

–When the hell did you figured that out, Ricky teased.

– Clearly earlier than you.

They looked at each other and grinned.

–We have to go to that woman's funeral. Can you find out when they are, Steve said to Ricky.

– I'll call you as soon as I know, Ricky said.

Steve rose and went to hug Ricky; manfully they pat each others on the back. They promised to stay in touch.

It was not said aloud, but they both were in danger.

They needed each other, even if the other agent gave up his badge.

Ricky thought it was crazy, because now Steve was in a bigger danger. Ali and his partners, they weren't any wussy motorcycle gang. It was Ali from Hell, a psychopath who was fully dedicated to the devil.

Steve took his box from the table and left.

He thought pretty much the same things as Ricky did.

4.

Steve parked at his parent´s driveway. They lived about an hour´s drive from New York.

He was now at his childhood home, in its yard. In the summer there grew beautiful and well-groomed flowers. There was an apple tree in the backyard, and under that apple tree´s shadows he had learned to walk, play catch, and later kiss the girls. Steve smiled when he remembered his first kiss. It was Rosalie, the beautiful girl next door, dark haired and brown eyed, maybe a little boyish.

Steve once kissed her on the cheek and Rosalie was annoyed. She had said that if Steve, for once, tries to kiss her again, Rosalie would kick his nut´s off! Things had been okay between them after that, and their friendship continued for years, until Rosalie's family was faced with a surprising sadness. Their family had to move to live with Rosalie’s grandparents´ at the farm. The girl had disappeared from his life completely.

– Steve!! It is so wonderful to see you! I have been so worried about you! Is this a new car? Oh Steve, I´m so glad you're here!

Steve's mother, Alisa hugged Steve. Steve had been gone for so long.

Too long. He hugged his mother tightly and said that she could try the car if she wanted to.

-I'm already at grandma´s age. I can't drive a car like that! Alisa giggled while she was talking. Steve snorts, because his mother was not even sixty years old. Even if she were, she still wouldn't be a traditional grandma. Grandmas sit in rocking chairs. Steve´s mom wasn't like that.

– Come now, your father is waiting for you.

Trey stood up from his chair and put the magazine aside when Steve stepped into the room.

–Hello, my son, it is nice that you came. How are you?

– Well, I'd like to tell you something.

– Is it serious? Alisa, come over here! Trey yelled to Alisa with a concerned tone.

– Steve has something to tell us.

– Are you all right? Alisa was worried.

–Yes, I'm all right, sort of.

– What do you mean sort of? Trey asked.

– I left my job today. I am no longer working for the CIA.

Alisa and Trey looked at their son. Was he serious?

After more than ten years?

This is what they had always hoped for, hadn´t they? They looked at each other.

– Well..., Alisa started.

– Why? Trey asked.

– Come on, don't start Trey! Listen, Steve, go to unpack your stuff.

Then we will eat and you tell us as much as you want. Of course we want to hear all about it, and you know that we always support your decisions. You are smart and thoughtful, you know what you're doing, Alisa said and kissed Steve on the cheek.

Steve went to get his bag from the car. Trey came out too, without Alisa noticing.

– Steve! What have happened? You're not the one who gives up, why would you give up on this? Do you remember how you fought once in front of us that you want to be an agent? Do you remember that time when we hardly understood your choice? What happened? I know my son. Something´s not right, what is it?

– Dad, let's talk about this later, I'll tell you.

– Are you in danger?

– I am always in danger, I guess.

– You know what I mean. Do you need money, a new place to live?

– No, I don't need money, Steve said wearily and continued:

–Dad, I need someone to love. Someone to think, I need someone who keeps me sane in this crazy world.

-I need a life!

Steve slammed the trunk and marched inside. Trey was left with surprise.

Alisa looked through the window and saw what happened. She started to wonder some people's way to rage things clear.

Even though people did not live in the caves anymore, all these huge houses and all great yards seemed to be an illusion and delusion. They just covered the latent rage; hide the hate behind beautiful trees and well-manicured grass. Wooden window sills covered the spark of the anger inside the houses; the door didn't let in any love or warmness. In the world the weak won´t survive. Nothing had changed since the stone–age.

Alisa mourned wars and senseless suicide attacks, it grieved her.

Alisa mourned jealousy because with the power of jealousy, the sick rulers of the descendant’s won´t ever give peace to be the majority in this world.

That's why Alisa always took care of the fact that their home was warm and safe. They, too, had disagreements of course, but mostly they loved and respected each other. In their home didn´t mad, jealous or bitter words flew and that was a thing which was not for bargain.

You need to know how to argue without offending your partner´s value.

She smashed the potatoes firmly while she was thinking why people were not that much developed, or wised up since the stone age. Absurd, when you consider that from the beginning of our lives, we are taught manners. Must be friendly and polite, helpful and energetic, must be able to think how others might feel too. Nice character traits, all of them. But they all disappear when the children grow up to be an adult.

Adults get to take another ones husband or wife, maybe your home, too. Adults can, in the name of God, how dare they, attack in another country and tamper with their riches, which their own country doesn´t have.

Envy.

The world's worst disease. No other disease in the world will cause that much destruction as envy. Female boss do not select a charming woman for a manager if she is jealous for the applicant.

No, even though if the charming woman would be the most qualified.

Envy arouses aggression, and if people can't deal with the feeling, then things are bad. Envy makes the boss do the wrong choices. Of course only if the boss has not developed this fundamental feeling further than what it´s primitive level can be.

A war.

Alisa was disgusted about war. Innocent people die and children become orphans. Parents lose their children, families fall apart.

The worst part is that these war-ravaged people no longer care.

War-torn countries where children are born, they grow up there and think that that's the way life is supposed to be; killing, raping, blood, screaming, fear and anger.

Everyone wants to destroy the enemy. Eventually, everyone is an enemy to each other. If it continues like this; an eye for an eye, then the world will be destroyed.

War is far away from bravery. It is all about people who are unable to compromise. The shot is not a compromise, threatening only gives the counterparty a shield and a sword.

Alisa understood the existence of the army, it was like a pill bottle in a bag for panic and anxiety attacks, just in case.

In some cases, the existence of pills made life easier. But no one can rely only for pills. Everybody has to do their part to maintain peace.

The soldiers, who kept the war away, were brave. Not those who killed, tortured and raped. They were just lunatics in uniforms, who had received the ability to act irrational way, and necessarily nobody would ever punish them for it.

Alisa was disgusted especially people who indulge with war.

5.

I sat at the kitchen table, my red hair was wet after the shower and in front of me was a steaming cup of tea. I loved cherries the most in this world; cherry tea, cherry beer and cherry candies, but I wouldn´t buy curtains with pictures of cherries. There's a limit for everything. In front of me was also a man, with whom I had to live in the same home, just for a while.

I had resigned from my job today. I had been sad because I would miss my students. The rector did not ask any deeper reason why I resigned.

I had only said that I have some family reasons why I have to move back to the city. So I would say to the youngsters, too, when it was time to tell them about me leaving. I taught art in the middle school ages and enjoyed my job to the fullest.

I was at my happiest when having that job. My happiness wasn´t ruined by some of the staid teachers who said hateful comments about my appearance. For that reason I didn't like being in the teachers ' lounge.

Especially one of the older women, who was too interested about my body. She had taken as a task to point out that I would not have such a body, if I had, like her, given a birth to a child.

I was absolutely stunned by her behavior, and I think so were many others.

I didn't bother to answer that unfortunately, my child was never born, as he stopped developing in my womb when he was a three-month-old. Then also found out never to be able to have children, biologically. All my pregnancies would end up in a miscarriage because of my condition, which I found out at the same time when I had a miscarriage. It was an extremely sensitive issue, and I didn't want to think about it in the cramped teachers ' room. It was my grief, and was definitely not going to tell anyone about it at school. If I even thought about it, I wanted to do it alone and in a place where I felt calm.

I am that kind of person who chose the people who to tell all the sorrows and joys. Often I didn´t tell anyone. My life didn't belong to everyone, and only mean souls think that only grief raises you as a person. Why would anyone want to indulge with another people´s sad story, only to have something to discuss at a coffee table? Everyone needs to learn how to think, even if they have never lost anything in their lives.

I knew that someone like her, jealous to all people, would be useless to say anything. My business or my body didn't belong to her at all. I avoided her like the plague. I didn't want to ruin my days only because she was dissatisfied with herself. If I needed to live with the fact that I was never going to be a mom, she needed to learn to live with few extra pounds.

The most important thing to me was my students and their success feelings. Middle school students were able to discuss almost about anything. Sure there were also quiet students who wanted to do stuff by themselves. It suited me. Nobody should be forced to be the center of attention, especially in a sensitive age.

Even the quietest ones always did their work and were in the classroom when obligatory. My classroom wasn't a parliament where the loudest and the best speakers would get most of the votes. In my classroom everyone respects one another, even though it hadn´t always been like that.

The beginning had been quite a fight with a couple of students, when they were fighting with each other or messing with me in every possible way. But people and animals are easily trained. Animals, like people are repeating their actions, which mean something profitable, of course. So I had to use kind of a carrot and a stick-policy.

Music stopped immediately when agitation started. TV or radio was silenced by me in a flash. I knew I was mean when I did that, because I always listened to the music when I was painting. Music was a big part of the work. It inspired and gave ideas. Through music, my mind travelled freely in places where it couldn´t go in silence. The paintings that were painted in silence were totally different.

For many students the art lessons were the most soothing moments in the week, because studying was hectic. Music was a big part of that you had a moment to quiet down for a second and be at peace, despite the fact that there were other people in the classroom. Like that we had lived in harmony for almost two years.

– Did you have something to say, or why did you ask me here?

My now ex -boyfriend woke me up from my thoughts and looked at me with his brown eyes. I looked into his eyes and I felt nothing, and just said:

– I will quit my job within a month, and after that I´ll move back to the city. Until then, of course, I will live here.

My ex was squeezing his fingers and looked at me saying:

–Why can't we try again Tessa, I miss you! I don't want you to leave.

You are always too impulsive!

I looked at him angrily, I had loved him so much, that I would have build another moon in the sky, if the world and our love would have required it. What I felt now, was to send that guy all alone to the moon. He had turned my life upside down. I lost him, my job, I lost my students that I care about, I lost a town which I considered as my home. I lost my friends here.

I had to, and I wanted to wipe the common memories and wonderful moments, because they didn´t mean anything anymore. I felt I was losing years from my life. Was the other woman so wonderful that he was able to do this to us?

And he said that I was impulsive?!

I bit my tongue that I wouldn't spit those words out of my mouth.

I didn't want him to see how hurt, bitter and angry I was.

He didn't deserve anything from me anymore.

– The problem is that I don't value you anymore. I don't love you anymore. I am disgusted by the idea, that I´d touch you after what you've done.

I got up from my chair and went to dry my hair. After that, I called a friend who was sad for me when he heard the news, but was selfishly glad that he could get me to him after a long time.

When I had finished the call, I put the music on and started packing.

My ex came into the room. He said looking into my eyes, how sorry he was for everything. I said that he certainly was, I didn´t doubt that for a second, but it would not remove the fact that he had betrayed me. He was the one who broke us, not me.

My eyes filled with tears, and when he tried to touch me, I dodged.

He slammed the door and soon I heard a car driving away from the yard. I had a picture of my dad and me in my hands. I missed my father, and his comforting words. I missed dad's scent.

I wanted to leave immediately, drive to mom and dad and have a calming cup of coffee. But I couldn't. I hugged the picture in my lap and was shaking from the power of crying. I was 29 years old and my life had always been like this, a loss after another. Why?

6.

The next day I was back in my classroom as usual, but I was more nervous than when I came in front of students the first time. Today I was supposed to tell them that I would be their teacher just for this month.

I was afraid that I would cry. On the other hand, it would be understandable, I consoled myself. We had experienced so much together inside these walls and outside too. These walls have heard a lot of fun conversations. These students I had taught almost two years.

We were working together when the school shootings happened in another school.

Young people were touched by them deeply, of course, also teachers and naturally the whole country, but especially the students. That thing was on their minds for a long time, and we did discuss it as long as someone just took it up.

Many of the students said that if parents would care more for their children, things like that wouldn't happen. Parents instead were crying for help for their children who were in trouble. Students discussed a long time about how they felt bad for those who didn't even have a curfew, and in a way, I was amazed, even though I remembered how nice it felt when my dad said that I had to be home at ten o´clock.

I remember that I slammed the door as I hated time limits, but my father cared. He probably didn´t know if I would be home at ten, but saying it out loud was at the moment the best parenting, the easiest way to show that I was part of the family. The important part of the family.

My students began to walk in the classroom and I sat down on the edge of my table.

When everyone was there I closed the door and went back to my seat.

– Why TV isn´t on?

–Or the radio?

– What did we do this time?

I watched the amazed faces that I would like to remember, I just didn't know how long I would remember them. That´s why I watched them for a while. I didn´t know what to say at all. Or how.

– Is it true that you are leaving? I heard from the back seat.

– Yes, I'll leave at the end of this month.

– You don't! This is bullshit! Who's going to get you? Joni exclaimed.

His face was sad. My eyes welled up with tears. I really wanted to be involved in their growth, be they teacher as long as our separation would have happened naturally.

Next year, these student wouldn´t no longer need me. At least they would feel that way, because they would then be the school's oldest students. I would have liked to see how they would change and how different it would be teach them then. I´d never know.

– Well, they're not better than us!

–Don´t you be this nice to them!

I laughed at Joni's words, and wiped my tears.

– Now, don't cry. We would have to say goodbye anyway after next year.

A fact of life made me pull myself together.

A month later I had a folder from them as a gift. They had taken photos of themselves with a box-camera. We had done those in a photography course. I was wondering when they had it all done, and, of course, I got tears in my eyes because the gift was really lovely. Below each image were a name and a small goodbye from everyone.

Now I wouldn´t forget their faces. I hugged them all and wished them all a wonderful life. At the teacher's room I had taken buns and sugared rolls and a card that said; thank you for everything.

Although I honestly didn´t know what everything.

I opened the last time the school's front door. I didn´t look back when I was in my car. I drove home, packed my stuff and Morrison in the car. I left a note on the kitchen table saying:

”Here's the key.”

I couldn't think of anything more to say, even if I tried. Sarcasm was the worst side of me and what I actually wanted to write was that now my reading would not interfere his life, nor my loosen hair on the bathroom floor. Me, and my small circle of friends won´t bother his life anymore.

He had required a handful of friends from me, the other way didn't seem to be normal for him.

Because nothing beautiful or friendly came to my mind, I decided that ”Here’s the key” was enough.

I started to drive towards my hometown.

Christina Perri made sure that I stayed awake the whole trip. I heard the song Run many times and realized while listening it, that I should have left right away when the criticism had begun to be daily. Laughter begun to fade and he pointed out on me all the littlest things. I had to believe that cheating had only stepped up the becoming break up.

A few long hours later I was standing behind my parent’s door. I rang the doorbell. Frost was left hundreds and hundreds of miles behind.

The city in South Finland was black and wet, the wind waved the dead leaves of trees when I stood on the stairs. The city behind my back had already almost cleared from the snow.

By the city street, in the same corner as always, right at the same moment when Tessa stood behind her parents door, a drunken shout-out to all who past him, that they will be doomed. He shouted that people were sinful devils and all of them; all the devils were forced to lick his boots when the end is near. The man shook his fist, looked up to the sky and was mouthing off.

One of the women looked with disdain this homeless man and thought that, fortunately, his sons should not be that kind of miserable, his sons at least were studying at the university.

And at the same moment her middle son, on this Friday evening, opened for the third night in a row, a beer bottle. And anyone from that crowd couldn't count how many sweet smokes had been smoked during the day.

As long as that stupid bitch would disappear even for a moment from clucking in his head.

Worries disappeared easily when smoking. Life seemed bearable, even for a moment.

His mother was nothing but an affected clucking bitch.

My parents didn't know that I was coming. My father came to open the door and was glad to see me and Morrison.

– Look at you kid! What brings you here?

Dad looked at me questioningly and when I didn't say anything for a while, and when my gaze directed his gaze to my suitcase, he hugged and said:

– Oh, poor girl, you poor girl. Now let´s make some coffee.

Morrison ran straight to the kitchen. My mother wasn't there, so Morrison researched so long that he found her. And if he could, then he would certainly hug my mother and told he had missed her. The dog almost burst at its seams.

For some strange reason Morrison was deeply in love with my mother, and I suspect it's because of the secret bun pieces.

– Tessa, why are you here? Mom asked and I could hear the concern in her voice.

– What in the world has happened?

–Do you remember, mom, when I was 16-year-old, a boy broke my heart and you made me a strawberry soup?

– I remember, how so?

– Please, can I have some strawberry liqueur?

– That bad?! Mom exclaimed and continued:

– All kinds of rascals this world is filled with! I would have never thought that from that boy. He was so nice and polite. But don´t you baby girl worry. Remember what your uncle always says? Mother asked and her green eyes sparkled under her dark bangs. Mother's hair had become gray and it gave my mother dignity. Father's hair was already completely white and he had so much hair that I believed some women was jealous for my father's fluffy hair.

–Don't you girl let the shadow darken your mind. We're like junipers, we bend, but we do not break!

I smiled because I saw it in my mind that my uncle could really say that with shaking his finger. My family, this family did not give up.

The fights had to take until the last drop of blood.

My mom started to make coffee and stuff, something to eat, because she was sure I hadn´t eaten anything. I had, but I really missed and needed mother's fussing. It calmed me down while trying to understand my life at the moment. And that was her way to reflect on the questions which I probably have to answer soon.