Deceit E-Book

Yuri Felsen

• Herausgeber: Prototype Publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 311

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Beschreibung

Appearing for the first time in English, Deceit is the debut novel by Yuri Felsen, a leading modernist writer of the interwar Russian diaspora. Known by his contemporaries as 'the Russian Proust', Felsen died in the gas chambers at Auschwitz, his life and legacy destroyed by the Nazis. Written in the form of diary, Deceit is a psychological self-portrait of an unnamed narrator, a neurasthenic and aspiring author, whose often-thwarted pursuits of his love interest and muse provide the grounds for his beautifully wrought extemporizations on love, art and human nature. Modulating between the paroxysms of his tormented romance and his quest for an aesthetic mode befitting of the novel he intends to write, Deceit is a remarkable work of introspective depth and psychoanalytic inquiry. Like voyeurs, party to his most intimate thoughts, we accompany the diarist as he goes about Paris, making enraptured preparations for the materialisation of his fantasy, observing not only his eagerness, dreaminess and poetic inclinations, but also his compulsive desire to analyse his surroundings and self. Yet amid these ravishing flights of scrutiny we discern hints of his monomaniacal tendencies, which blind him from the true nature of his circumstances. Thus begins an exquisite game arranged by the author, wherein it falls to the reader to second-guess the essence of what really lies behind his narrative.

Leseprobe

(                   )

Yuri Felsen was the pseudonym of Nikolai Freudenstein. Born in St Petersburg in 1894, he emigrated in the wake of the Russian Revolution, first to Riga and then to Berlin, before finally settling in Paris in 1923. In France, he became one of the leading writers of his generation, alongside the likes of Vladimir Nabokov; influenced by the great modernists such as Marcel Proust, James Joyce and Virginia Woolf, his writing stood at the forefront of aesthetic and philosophical currents in European literature. Following the German occupation of France at the height of his career, Felsen tried to escape to Switzerland; however, he was caught, arrested and interned in Drancy concentration camp. He was deported in 1943 and killed in the gas chambers at Auschwitz. After his death he fell into obscurity and his work is only now being translated into English.

Bryan Karetnyk is a British writer and translator. His recent translations from the Russian include major works by Gaito Gazdanov, Irina Odoevtseva and Boris Poplavsky. He is also the editor of the landmark Penguin Classics anthology Russian Émigré Short Stories from Bunin to Yanovsky.

Deceit

Yuri Felsen

Translated from the Russian

by Bryan Karetnyk

with a Foreword by Peter Pomerantsev & an Afterword by Bryan Karetnyk

Foreword

Peter Pomerantsev

8 May 2022

Who do you become when you lose your home, your country? When you are forced into exile with little hope of ever going back?

I was asking myself this question as I talked to the latest generation of Russian exiles who have fled Putin’s Russia in the wake of the invasion of Ukraine. According to the latest estimates, 3.8 million have fled the country, a wave of emigration that reminds us of the exiles who fled the Russian revolution, which Yuri Felsen was a part of. Even the routes out of Russia repeat: like after 1917, the exiles flee to Turkey, the Caucasus, the Baltics…

‘Who am I?’ was the question that kept on coming up in my recent conversations and written communications with Russians who have fled the country. Sometimes this was a legal question. ‘Am I a political refugee? An economic migrant? A permanent tourist?’ Often it was professional. ‘I used to be a journalist: now I can’t cover my own country any more—what will I become?’ One friend of mine I called when she was sitting on a cold beach in Turkey, staring at the grey sea. Her previous life had disintegrated. The future was uncertain. Though she hated the Russian regime, she knew she would be marked for ever with the Mark of Cain of being Russian when Russian now stands for ‘invader’, ‘war criminal’, ‘imperialist’. Is that what she was now primarily—a bearer of collective guilt? One of the most remarkable written posts I came across was from a good friend who had left for Serbia. She went over every detail of her background, her birth and school and loves and marriages and professional life and hobbies and feelings. It read like an internal monologue meeting an incantation. Recovering from the shock of losing her home and country, it sounded like she was writing her identity back into being.

Felsen, too, writes in a powerful interior monologue. He has been compared to Proust, but his search for a self is framed in a more powerful political context. Like the current generation of Russian émigrés, he had fled a Kremlin nightmare, running from St Petersburg to Riga to Berlin to Paris, from one profession to another, from his blatantly Jewish surname to a slightly more Germanic pseudonym. In Deceit he also travels across genres—from diary to (unsent) letters—trying to define all the twists and turns of his own feelings for his beloved—in whom he is again losing himself.

Homeless, identity-less, country-less, the wondering writer turns inwards to find himself anew. Where is the real him, Felsen is asking. The real love? And where is the deceit? There is something liberating in the search. The tragedy of exile also offers opportunity, a spur to explore and define oneself anew. But it is impossible to read Felsen without thinking about his ultimate fate: his life would end in Auschwitz, an arc of exile from vicious civil war to the ultimate atrocity. And looking forwards from his time to ours, the Kremlin has again turned monstrous, with a new generation of Felsens sprayed lost across Eurasia. The choice, it seems, is between death and exile.

Deceit

Originally published in Russian in Paris in 1930

Translated and published in English in 2022

Part I

7 December 192…

Everything I have is superficial—appointments, acquaintances, time-keeping—dull and dry, and it hopelessly anaesthetises what little in me remains alive, my final frail impulses: I cannot achieve even a melancholy clarity with regard to myself, a sense of remorse, however inert, or the simple warmth of human kindness. Only more persistently than before, more shamefully, do I sense that I am the same as others, that, like everybody, I swill down idle days in trivial anguish, and that one day I must, as must everyone else, rightly disappear. Throughout my years of loving tenderness and incessant jealousy—covetous, hasty, though never apt to bear a grudge and quick to forgive—I had, in a sense, greater magnanimity, would blithely turn my back on those sinister and terrible comparisons (with ‘everybody else’), on the absurd inevitability of the end, and considered my own sublime sense of nervous tension unique. Now, however, when all this comes back to me every so often—limp, numb and impoverished—and afterwards follows a period of deep, somnolent repose, I succumb to an error one so often descries in people—that the present will never change—and so I conclude: my sense of romantic exaltation has ended once and for all, as have all my private thoughts and feelings, but in such moments, so reflective of the past, one need only seek to discern something, to uncover it and communicate it—for the remnants of those emotions, of that exaltation, are preserved, that old anxious haste no longer interferes with them, and perhaps their bothersome recollection, which painstakingly reconstructs what was once achieved but has now been left behind, constitutes the entire sense, the whole bizarre purpose of these lonely and wasted years. But then, no sooner does a sliver of blissful, inane hope appear—from a touching similarity, a smile, attention paid to my words—than in an instant I alter, no longer do I see my present humdrum rut, and I forget that all these private thoughts and feelings are over, and only my obstinately suspicious nature—that vestige of experience, failure and the eternal attribution of value to everything—unexpectedly and opportunely sobers me: but then suddenly comes despair or treachery all over again. Or else in the wake of sobriety I experience that belated, blistering, vainly defiant sense of regret, which sometimes brings women (seemingly without provocation) to tears—because of the opportunity to have something rare and dangerous, something that was meant to be, and because now that opportunity has been lost irrevocably.

I suddenly felt this opportunity for something blessed, dangerous and new as I was reading a letter from a Berlin acquaintance of mine, Yekaterina Viktorovna N., who has written to inform me that her niece, Lyolya Heard, is coming to Paris—‘Remember our conversations about her? Help her, look out for her—you surely won’t regret it.’ Katerina Viktorovna, a colonel’s widow, a faded army woman cut from a hulking, much too masculine cloth, and possessed of a coarse, grey face and a booming wooden voice that manneredly gave commands, would for days on end, in the Berlin pension in which we had found ourselves cast together, regale me with stories of her beloved niece, ‘a rare, exotic creature, quite unlike any of these local girls’, whereupon she would smile boastfully and suggestively, with just a touch of sympathy, as it were: ‘That’s her, my darling—what a great pity you haven’t met her.’ These were still desperate times—the last of money, candour and hope—and that ageing, destitute woman, herself bereft of hope and prospects, compensated herself with this fantasy of a romance between her beloved pet and me—in some measure I conformed to her naïve and sentimental martial notions of chivalry. Not only did she try to allay her insatiable womanly kindness by offering up in her own stead the equally attentive, lovely and clever Lyolya Heard, but she even tried to reconstitute a scattered, vanished social circle, the little bit of influence she was used to wielding, the conditions in which Lyolya and I could meet, in which Katerina Viktorovna could aid and abet us. At first, I did not credit her bombastic raptures, but there were photographs, letters, casually uttered words—each of them drew me in more than the ingenuous praise of the old colonel’s widow. In turn, I, too, constructed an image of Lyolya Heard—a dazzling, delicate blonde with an inquisitive and cultivated mind, vulnerable and at the same time courageous, able to tackle any setback head-on. I recall in particular her hands in one of the photographs—elegant, capricious, clasped awkwardly, as though in despair, but unyielding all the same. Lyolya Heard, in leaving her husband, had found herself alone in Belgrade, unable to move to Berlin, and when at long last she did move, I was already in Paris.

8 December

She arrives in five days’ time. By then I shall have clarified a small matter that will allow me several months’ freedom from having to seek out new ventures, freedom from worrying—with indignity and gall—about every little expense, freedom from putting off necessary purchases (collars, shirts, neckties). The crucial thing is that it will make life easier and more pleasant when I am with Lyolya, about whom I am beginning to think with rapture and hope: even now I want to show her around Paris, to take her out, to entertain her, not to begrudge her time, not to think that somewhere somebody is waiting for me and that I must brace myself for the negotiating table, not to let up and forever be reminded—money is vital, how good it is to have it.

Why does the knowledge that Lyolya Heard is coming here so captivate and uplift me? For so long I spared absolutely no thought for her whatsoever, but something strange and unhealthy began back then, that day in Berlin—because of her, because in her person, inadvertently, so to speak, two wills collided, two desires that were equally intense, alien to one another, having originated long ago and for reasons that are very likely unclear even to me. I shall attempt to master my mental inertia and put a name to these reasons, to combine them, to wrest them from their mute dormancy into which everything that befalls us plunges, unmarked at the time—I am sufficiently practised in such acts of remembering, and I have a pre-sentiment (perhaps artificially fabricated) that something brand new is about to commence with Lyolya’s arrival, which means that my old—especially those old—associations with her must be tidied up and put in order. I am glad even that between this mysterious last minute—here, in this room, in this solitude—a minute yet blind and merely conjuring Lyolya’s arrival, that between this and her first friendly smile at the station in five days’ time, all those wearisome tasks will be carried out before the feast, whose purpose is to prepare me for some great happiness, to prepare me not morally, but mentally—rather a submission of accounts than some regenerative Hindu act of purification.

Those two wills—mine and Katerina Viktorovna’s, sympathetic muses that befriended one another unexpectedly—were powerful, each in its own cause, for they transported us both to what was most immediate and vital: above all else Katerina Viktorovna feared being torn from the past, feared seeing herself as ‘some old colonel’s widow’, grey and haggard; she wanted to appear girlish, younger, blonder, svelter, when really, since her youth, back home —there, where she had once been listened to—men had courted her, reckoned with her, and so it was not my presence or charm that imparted to her this illusion of youth, home and the continuation of her former life (although it was from her that I received the affectionate little nickname ‘the romantic youth’), but rather the attention, genuine, avid and rapt, with which I listened to her when the talk was about Lyolya—obsessively I wanted one thing only: to find myself a ‘Lyolya’ just like this.

Like many people who have once upon a time found and then lost what they desired, I was far from any thought of embarking on some immature, ill-defined search and knew perfectly, ad absurdum, what it was that I wanted, what sort of woman, set-up and relationship I would pick. Very likely my first condition would be to exclude any docile, dewy-eyed, excessive youth, that there be no need to ‘educate’ her, to remake her in my own image, only then to look, as into a mirror, and with ennui recognise myself (if successful), while also risking the misfortune of some rude and spiteful surprise. I have always wanted not only to offer support, but also to find a support—a friend, an opponent, an intellect, a force—and not on account of weakness, but rather because of some (granted, inconspicuous, not even wholly conscious) hubris, so that there come about a fascinating, daring contest, a comradely and romantic union, on equal terms, instead of a swift and foolish takeover, so that my partner already be on the same spiritual plain, rarely attained by women, when everything dignified and precious, everything characteristic of love —mutual reliance, ennoblement, support—becomes, for both parties, deserved and assured. Such emotional depth in women, one that rivals my own (or that which I ascribe myself), is the vestige of experience, struggle, happiness and failure, and is in no wise the result of a miracle: I have had girlfriends, spoken with people towards whom I knew unhesitatingly I might have been able to direct my longstanding readiness to love, so jealously guarded and unspent—but each time I would stop myself (this ploy will work at first) because of a lack of money, because of my habit of waiting for one last, irresistible ‘next adventure’, which would usually never come to pass. Yet Katerina Viktorovna somehow managed to inspire me with the notion that this unequivocally irresistible ‘next adventure’ was none other than Lyolya Heard: I succumbed to the infectious excitation of a lonely woman in revolt against fate and old age (though her excitement had more to do with herself than Lyolya), and insensibly credited her arguments in Lyolya’s favour—true, they were casually uttered and superficial, but they moved me by having some sort of correspondence with the very thing for which I had always been searching, and in which, without that decisive push from someone else, I feared to believe. These superficial arguments, which I understood perhaps arbitrarily and which I modified so that they would please and convince me, consisted in Lyolya’s shrewd maturity, in her pains to seek out worthy individuals, in her indifference, mercilessness even, towards those who proved unworthy, in her struggle with poverty, in the recent calm, uncomplaining help—considerable, stalwart, at times self-sacrificing—she gave her husband, without any of the usual people around to console her, people who turned out to be petty and malicious (as, incidentally, did those whom she consoled); all this, imaginary or real, overfilled me with the hope that Lyolya was in some way destined for me, that she, too, would be sure to choose me and place me among those few who shared in her human (if one can put it thus) significance, and I relished the anticipation of this, envisaging myself—reserved, not apt to ‘poke my nose in’—suddenly exposed by Lyolya’s perspicacity, and so not for the first time in recent years, with the impatience of a beggar awaiting a legacy, I took to counting down the empty days that passed by in idle expectation. Occasionally the insipidness of this hope would become too much (I recall many a time in Berlin when I would suddenly cool towards Katerina Viktorovna’s words and tales, once so arresting, and hear her out half-distractedly, with a strained civility, and in her frustration she would dub me not ‘a romantic youth’ but ‘a diplomat’), yet each time my rapid disillusionment would turn out to be nothing more than the statutory post-stimulation crash and my old trust, my old feverish hope, would return to me. Once again, I have been preparing for my anxious first encounter with Lyolya, and in her alone I continue to see a resolution, an end to this dull, drawn-out tract, something inimitably luscious, overwhelming and impossible to defer, something I once possessed and which has for ever remained a beguiling, exhilarating reflection, an irrepressible ‘belief in love’.

9 December

I am often put out of sorts by the fairly commonplace notion that every expectation will be frustrated, that the joy proclaimed to us will be robbed—and not only by absence of mind, unconsciousness or sleep, but also by the trivial, routine necessity of work, into which we must plunge ourselves without trace. Thus, I know even now that in advance of Lyolya’s arrival much preposterous scurrying about lies before me, much loathsome, mercenary unrest and odious effort required to hear out rejections with composure, to persuade afresh and with skill, and I know that this will eclipse both the blessed joy of anticipation and that other task, about which I wrote yesterday —that of tidying up the past, outwardly pointless, but worthwhile even so.

Now I am faced with that devastating, depersonalising period, when with every ounce of quivering tension you are drawn to one thing only, to success (as you sometimes are at cards or the races), because you need it, because it is your salvation and because it is foreseeable to the point of clairvoyance; that is why every moment you rebuke yourself for inaction, you want to prod someone, to mend something, and almost superstitiously you fear rest or repose. I fancy that I find initiating business inherently more difficult —like any beginning it is hard, but the difficulty also comes about because of the insulting uncertainty of my situation: I emerge from somewhere in the ether and must practically truss myself to both ends of the affair, neither of which has any need of me—and often, fearing ridicule, not wanting to become a petitioner, I delay for weeks on end the decisive first conversation, in suicidal quiescence, like those petrified during a terrible dream or before some deathly waking danger. But even if that first jolt into action comes uneasily to me, a time like the present, when the principal obstacles have been eliminated and all that is left to do is wait for the money, with impatient avarice, fearing that other obstacles may arise yet—such a time is somehow even more torturous: no longer must you, as at the very start, break and harness your will, but then nor is there that conventional posture of dignity and correctness (it would be too obvious a fall), and every failure, no matter how small, every new restraint, is grimly borne—to the point of exhaustion.

For all this neurasthenic fever of mine, so flagrantly base and self-interested, I find sundry justifications. I ascribe it to an aptitude for commerce and rejoice—it means I shall not perish. I ascribe it also to my lengthy penury, to the odious trivia that remind me of it (they are many: the morning selection of a shirt and the far-from-comic despair that they have all turned to parchment with age, the obligatory dash past the concierge, with the haunting suspicion that she can see me through the wall and rightly despises me, the over-cooked muck served up in the restaurant and the dismal beer in the café, the dread of running into those lovely people who had placed their confidence in me, or of engaging seductive and easily known women in conversation)—regarding each piece of trivia like this, I try to believe that I am, for the last time, standing on the threshold of some miraculous change, but then, after some hiccough, some obstacle, some failure, I find myself at once on the threshold of nothing, do not believe in rapid change, deem myself fated to vagabondage or beggary and am ashamed of my deceived friends, of the dinners at somebody else’s expense, of my comfortable bed in my unpaid room, of all that hopelessly absurd life, which imperceptibly leads me to despair and savagery. This would appear to justify my feverish pursuit of money —in my usual industrious state I cannot even conceive of its absence, I disburse and allocate it in advance, and for me such precipitate assuredness is not some empty, accidental fiction: much of what I have initiated has already paid off, and, each time it did, I rejoiced anew, astonished that here, in Paris, having relied on both family and the state, I should now be feeding myself, paying for my (albeit modest) desires, and, in the trappings of a mid-range restaurant, taking for granted the waiters’ servile attentions. But the fact that money is so humiliatingly vital, and that its appearance is very likely, even imminent, still does not excuse, does not expose that darkest, most disturbing part of me, which I am utterly unable to get at: it is an arid inferno, isolated, removed from everything external, a never-ending fear that sprang one day from that ungodly money, a fear that became, with time, abstracted and void (it swoops down in oddly silent, ever quickening bursts, making it impossible for me to dwell on anything, to concentrate, to recollect myself)—and never shall I comprehend, never shall I bring to heel this barren, destructive flame. And yet, for the first time it has failed to engulf me entirely: something gentle and ennobling—from love’s anticipation, from joy at the prospect of Lyolya’s arrival —will remain for ever, and I can discern, almost graphically, how diluted, how diminished by the other are each of my two overflowing ‘passions’—and perhaps that is precisely why I can take both of them in my stride.

10 December

The deal is in the bag: were I not so suspicious—owing to many misfortunes in the wake of certainty and naked achievement (which are chalked up to bad luck, and for that very reason are so especially galling)—I should think that there could be no doubt about it, and that tomorrow morning I need merely go and collect the money. Yet now, after this wealth of experience, my aim still seems beyond my reach, it seems as if the affair is dragging on and will be decided only tomorrow, the moment I receive the money, and for now I must once again set aside my schoolboy glee at this resounding victory, at impending leisure, as well as that other glee—for the first time absolute and unencumbered—concerning Lyolya, and must somehow pass the day that is so like unto those that came before it.

I continue to deny myself every little trifle; in the café I drink, instead of a liqueur, always the same insipid beer, although I have no trustier means of making myself insensible to time than swift, stupefying inebriation, and although I know ex ante how readily and recklessly I shall spree from tomorrow morning. Granted, I am never outright lavish or extravagant—each of us has our own unwritten rules, our own elastic limit of expenditure, which depends on circumstance—mine is somehow too prudently linked to the duration of the result: it will seem natural to me to spend a whole evening in an expensive venue and not to go home in a taxi, because the journey shall pass in an instant—as you set off, the end is already within reach. But even that is not quite the whole story: I have an additional fear of ‘useful purchases’ that purport to bring long-term benefit; I have that terror of ‘big numbers’ peculiar to those without a steady and guaranteed income, to those whom ‘big numbers’ much too graphically hasten towards penury, towards the bewildered, long-familiar question: Where do I go from here?

But all this austere ‘codex’ (it is less consistent than presented here) will be thrown out the window and forgotten the moment I find myself in somebody else’s company: accidental words from any quarter, an unexpected appeal, will lure me to help, pull at my heart strings, compel me to give some parting assurance of support, and not one that is insincere but made good—throughout years of solitude, there has amassed in me sufficient unspent, muted tendresse, and often it is directed at people like me, but who are more helpless than I am, and incomparably more frequently at women for whom I have even the slightest partiality. This is probably connected to yet another, intimate reason for my irrational profligacy: I have the unhappy knack of being determined too much by women—as a student at the gymnasium I could not, at a ball, ‘off-load’ a dull young lady I had invited to dance, and would await liberation from her, so as not only to rejoice in freedom, but also to take pleasure in pitying myself, the jilted party (thus, as it were, forestalling my amorous lot)—and so now, having at last attained an indifferent, grown-up invulnerability, if in a café I should unwittingly engage in conversation my plain, painted neighbour, I will not resolve to stand up, leave and suddenly disappoint her, but find myself compelled, like some naïf, to squander my money on her.

Such was the case even today: almost against my will, with a semi-abstracted gesture, I invited to my table in a cheap, lively café, a rosy-cheeked young girl who was playing an animated game of cards with her girlfriends; when she came over, I scarcely succeeded in tearing myself away from the imaginary novel (a romance) that ordinarily fills my quiet hours, and managed after a fashion to keep up the necessary pleasantries until I was stopped in my tracks by a single turn of phrase (uttered sweetly and with dignity, I thought); I wanted to help, but recalled at once that this was impossible, that it would rob me of the time I had just calculated I needed, and all this I explained to her awkwardly.

The words that had surprised me were essentially run-of-the-mill (to my enquiry about a boyfriend, she replied: ‘Non, je me défends toute seule’); it may well have been her tone of voice that transformed her into someone new and respectable, yet there is something impossibly refined in that ready Parisian patter, which lays equal every social group (perhaps with the exception of the ‘intellectuals’, who are, as they are to the majority of Russians, unknown to me) and so reconciles them that there is little to distinguish between my new acquaintance and that debonair old boy from the wealthiest of families, on whom my affairs depend and who, at every mention of our penurious misfortunes, of these guardsmen-turned-chauffeurs, of these mannequins with titles, exclaims with indignity and distress: ‘Aï, aï, aï, quel cataclysme’—both the viability of such a comparison (a gentleman for whom wealth was a birthright and a common fille de la rue) and the miracle that the common girl off the street has imbibed these artful turns of phrase and that infallible, unerring tone, perplex and move me necessarily.

Reading over today’s page, I am astonished—yet again —by how much of my writing, owing to my dogged pursuit of accuracy, is sharper and more intense than what I think and see, and by how little correspondence there is between such ‘accurate’ entries in my diary (though scrupulously faithful, they are condensed by the weight of the words and by my inexplicable determination) and my initial vague observations. Granted, there are also things that go quite unnoted—among these is the imaginary romance, which I am now describing for the first time, about which I find it strange to think in habitual words and definitions—so much is it all outwardly delicate, mute, disembodied. I concocted it at the age of sixteen, when I experienced those first impatient, jealous forebodings yet to be augmented by experience—which kills imagination (now made redundant)—and with some sort of stubborn indolence I lugged it through the entirety of my youth, through adventure and experience—strange and unique, like everybody’s—changing but little of the original according to my later hopes and desires. For years I have been recounting to myself these same pleasant details during rare hours of quiet wrested from the tumult of business, from amorous woes and recollections: this ‘romance’ is my repose, a constant source of release and oblivion, and because of this I do not hear, I do not notice words, I do not even catch the ends of phrases and, thus immersed, I delight —for I am telling of myself, as I would want to be, as I am imperceptibly becoming.

These polished, familiar details and their half-melancholic serenity alternate with stirrings for Lyolya —stirrings whose authenticity I immediately recognise and which spill into absolutely everything, irrespective of what happens to me throughout the day: they acutely influence not only the ‘romance’ and my foolhardy fever for money, but also my scatterbrained curiosity out of doors and the poems (mellifluously lulling or unexpectedly wounding) I read aloud at home—and so every experience of the day leads me just as naturally to Lyolya; how hard it is to tear myself away from them for the sake of some rarefied and drearily calculated diary entry, which today seems (perhaps because of Lyolya’s imminent arrival) particularly dead and dry.

11 December

I received the money this morning, and it, having saved me from horrid, degrading poverty, from the imperative of limiting myself like a beggar, from spiteful and sorry bitterness (had I been thwarted), from everything unpleasant and drearily repugnant—this money, as it were, unveiled and exposed Lyolya to me. I am an appreciative, perhaps even deliberately appreciative, sort—indeed, is it not better, more dignified, simply more advantageous, to rejoice in success for days on end than to be conceited and hardly mark it at all?—time and again I expressly remind myself that it is good to mark success modestly (being rare, it is a good thing), how much worse things could be, what impediments have been avoided, what perils have left me fortuitously unscathed. I also wish to demonstrate to myself that this joy is not a sigh of relief from a neurasthenic after some drawn-out, slipshod, half-abandoned job, but rather the just satisfaction that is granted us as the fruit of our success—and that if a sudden new obstacle were to present itself now, I should be prepared at once to set again to work and struggle. The latter is especially true, but my readiness to struggle and work is born of will —standing in contrast to my inherent aversion to any form of labour or exertion—whereas the joy of completion, of looking back, is perfectly neurotic and lazy, and all my painstaking determination is probably little more than the vestige of ambition, of the deadly drive to perfect (as though for show) anything and everything, of the inherited practice of submitting loyally and without complaint to any duty or order, albeit imposed from without.

Opting not to stop at home, I set out post-haste for all the shops that I required—earlier, before the money’s arrival, in order not to tantalise myself needlessly, not for anything would I have lingered by a shop window (much too enticing and beyond my reach)—today, however, as soon as I left the ‘bureau’, where the debonair old boy had paternally slipped me a primed envelope containing a cheque, I immediately began totting up how much I would spend on what, adjusting the figures, swapping one decision for another and proving to myself once again that I was quite able to make spontaneous decisions—indeed, I even drew up a half-mock (though quite earnest) budget, carefully adhered to it, and then hastily bore off my purchases, so as to lay them out together all the quicker. At home each purchase seemed to me a miracle of good taste (as we find everything that bears the hallmark of our selection, our accidental favour, our slightest efforts, and to which we immediately cede both our sense and our serene equanimity), and each of these tastefully chosen items, gifted to myself, unexpectedly drew me closer to Lyolya—for her sake alone had I chosen them, and so in every respect, even in this act (not only mentally and emotionally), did I prove myself worthy of her.

The day passed almost without note and with less anxiety than I had anticipated—but between it and tomorrow’s arrival there is still night, oblivion, sleep, which, more than strenuous and dull work, makes any event seem farther off: the expectant consciousness only distracts itself in work; in sleep it vanishes completely. This is why I am more indifferent towards death than most people: how much more dreary effort, how many more nocturnal vanishings until it comes—and then I shall die, not the man I am today, throbbing with life, determined, but that unfathomable new man, the one I shall become—perhaps in the distant future—after all the bothersome distractions that still await me.

Towards evening a telegram arrived—‘MEET ME TEN A.M.’—bringing with it that former impatient anxiety of mine, which now began to flourish, betokening a feverish insomnia—I wanted somehow to ward off the expectation, to make its transition into dream easy, to half-lull myself to sleep and thereby artificially expedite the morning, yet, in order to make a record of this in my exasperatingly meticulous and sober mind, I also wanted to ‘revel in my success’, or, to be more precise, to revel in the fact that everything had come off so uncharacteristically smoothly—without the usual postponements and obligatory unforeseen obstacles.

I brace myself momentarily and step into a smoke-filled and drunken mid-range Russian restaurant, where, deafened by the quick-paced music, the ceaseless flickering of the waiters, the array of elegant and provocatively inquisitive women, the unfamiliarity of such fast-moving, vibrant images, I lose all sense of myself, my ungainly, restless legs, my now-limp body, and I look around hopefully, thinking how I might sit more conveniently so as to see every one of these women at once and leisurely select from them a few particularly attractive ones—to exchange glances, to get to know them (hardly likely, of course), but mostly to practise tenderness, to hold imaginary intimate conversations, which since childhood (true, now they are distinguished by a rather different tenor, one lacking that former ardent credulity) I have constantly and secretly carried on.

The table that fell to me was most unfortunate—right in the middle of the room—and so I found myself with my back to several young women, whom I had scarcely glimpsed but already marked, and now, as far as I was concerned, they had vanished, casting those left into even greater relief, much as other people vanish, potential friends or lovers—at a railway station, at a street corner —and others yet who truly are dear to us, if they end up spending some considerable time in an inaccessible foreign city. But then, for them, we too vanish, effectively making way, abetting others, as it were; and yet, rather than console us, this should only remind us once again of the irregularity of human relations, of their dependence on the most insignificant trifles, which so obnoxiously evolve into destiny.

In order to shrug off the burden of anticipation entirely, which had been allayed already by the restaurant’s balmy air, I drank several double measures of vodka in quick succession, feigning that I was not in the least drunk and, by dint of my forgetfulness, amazing even myself, for ordinarily I do not get drunk at once; instead, I become unrecognisable and find myself unable to hold back the change. This time, the change that came about was astonishing, and, what is more, there was seemingly no transition: all of a sudden I succumbed to a gay impulse, one that was beyond my control, as though inspired from without, that was ever quickening and thus drew me towards it more and more inexorably, so much so that the usual disappointment in the wake of sobriety could never follow it—and I trusted the lusty, frenetic, emancipated music, striving not to listen, not to think that it was all a sham (even with its now saccharine, now violent Rumanian accompaniment), and rushing to catch up with its gasping, rapturous—so unlike anything of my own —flight. Admittedly, the music was encumbered by the food—because of the vodka, and perhaps on account of my restraint, the pies and rissoles seemed particularly delicious; it is not often that food makes me wax lyrical, rather it constrains me outwardly, which dims my enthusiasm on occasion as well: what with the exposed way in which we eat, how unabashedly carnivorous we must seem, our noble, self-sacrificing decisions (though stimulated by the restaurant’s music) are at odds with this, and in cases like today’s, I hastily devour my favourite dishes, which are delicious (down to the very last morsel), and then, with counterfeit inattention, as though already in thrall to some noble or bitter emotion, I refuse what is left on the plate and ask for coffee to be brought—a cup of coffee imparts a certain (to my mind, worldly) finality to what is, for me, the endlessly fascinating pose of a quietly drunk man, as he poisons himself more and more and pours the most merciless scorn on himself.