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- Herausgeber: Luath Press
- Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
- Sprache: Englisch
It's 1994, Kurt Cobain has just died, and teenager Alex is spending the summer working in her Aunt's Bed and Breakfast in rural Argyll. The village pace of life is slow compared to home in Edinburgh and Alex resigns herself to a quiet summer spent serving breakfasts and making beds. Everything changes however once she meets the twin brothers who live next door. Spanning the next fifteen years of Alex's life, Fade Into You is a love letter to growing up in Scotland in the 90s and 2000s. Set against a backdrop of T in the Park and the war in Iraq, soundtracked by Britpop and Grunge mixtapes, with the sweet taste of tablet, it is a novel about growing up and growing apart. It explores the intensity of childhood friendships, how they change as we get older but how they never really leave us.
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Seitenzahl: 407
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2023
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CATRIONA CHILD was born in 1980 in Dundee. Hailed as ‘one of the brightest prospects among a thriving breed of fresh Scottish writing talent,’ she has a degree in English from the University of Aberdeen and an MA with Distinction in Creative Writing from Lancaster University. Her debut novel, Trackman, was published in 2012 and was described by The Herald as ‘having all the makings of a cult hit.’ Her second novel, Swim Until You Can’t See Land, was published in 2014, and her third Us Vs the World in 2021. She has been published in The Sunday Herald, the 404 Ink Earth literary magazine, Northwords Now and in the Scottish Book Trust Family Legends anthology. She lives just outside Edinburgh with her husband Allan and their two children, Corrie and Alasdair.
First published 2023
ISBN: 978-1-80425-015-0
The author’s right to be identified as author of this book under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 has been asserted.
Typeset in 10.5 point Sabon by
Main Point Books, Edinburgh
© Catriona Child 2023
For Mum and Dad.
And for Granny and Grandpa Connel and all the fun we had at Strumhor.
Contents
Monday 27th June 1994
Friday 15th July 1994
Thursday 27th July 1995
Wednesday 14th February 1996
Saturday 5th July 1997
Friday 18th July 1997
Tuesday 5th August 1997
Sunday 10th August 1997
Friday 31st July 1998
Friday 7th August 1998
Sunday 16th August 1998
Friday 23 rd October 1998
Saturday 20th February 1999
Friday 16th April 1999
Tuesday 20th April 1999
Saturday 29th May 1999
Friday 11th June 1999
Saturday 1st January 2000
Monday 10th January 2000
Tuesday 23rd March 2000
Thursday 25th May 2000
Saturday 26th August 2000
Saturday 17th February 2001
Wednesday 21st February 2001
Saturday 16th November 2002
Friday 9th May 2003
Sunday 13th July 2003
Tuesday 21st October 2003
Friday 2nd April 2004
Saturday 17th April 2004
Sunday 11th July 2004
Friday 3rd September 2004
Thursday 17th March 2005
Saturday 14th May 2005
Friday 9th September 2005
Saturday 10th September 2005
Saturday 25th March 2006
Saturday 7th July 2007
Wednesday 1st October 2008
Friday 3rd October 2008
Sunday 27th September 2009
Saturday 3rd April 2010
Acknowledgements
Monday 27th June 1994
‘I’M SORRY NOT to be able to give you a sea view,’ Aunt Ruby said, ‘we’re booked solid right now and people will pay a wee bit more to see The Falls.’
Alex looked out the window of the small bedroom which overlooked the back garden. The rhoddies were in full bloom, purple and pink flowers bright and garish against the drizzle.
‘That’s okay,’ she shrugged.
‘Why don’t you get out for a wee explore after being stuck on the train all morning?’
‘Don’t you need help with anything?’
‘Ach, plenty of time for all that,’ said Ruby. ‘You’ve just arrived after all. It’s the breakfasts and the room cleaning that I need most of the help with and that’s all done for today. You can help put the tea and tablet out in the lounge this evening.’
It was the first time Alex had visited Ruby without Mum. Ruby needed an extra pair of hands at the B&B over the summer but couldn’t really afford to pay anyone as she’d just fitted double glazing and en-suites in all the guest rooms.
‘My friend, Valerie, from Oban, comes in and helps out but sometimes the pair of us are running around here like a pair of headless chickens.’ Ruby went on.
Alex looked out the window.
‘I might wait until the rain stops,’ she said.
‘Ach, that’s not rain. Away you go.’
Alex pulled on her denim jacket, her Walkman tucked in the inside pocket, halfway through side two of In Utero. She was still in mourning for Kurt, but she also kind of enjoyed the dramatic wallowing that listening to Nirvana gave her.
‘Is that the only jacket you’ve brought?’ Ruby asked.
Alex nodded.
‘Why don’t you take one of mine? They’re all hanging at the back door.’
‘No, it’s fine. I’ll be okay.’
She wasn’t prepared to go trooping around the village in one of Aunt Ruby’s old waterproofs.
‘You won’t get lost now, will you? I don’t want to have to explain that to your mum.’
‘I’ll be fine,’ Alex replied.
She’d never wandered around here on her own before but the village was tiny. It probably took her longer to walk to school than it would to walk round the entire place. She followed Ruby out of the bedroom and into the ‘living area’ as they called this part of the house where Ruby stayed. The kitchen. The wee lounge. Ruby’s bedroom. This part of the house hadn’t been modernised yet and Alex’s room still had a wee sink with a strip light above the mirror that you clicked on with a pull cord.
‘I’ll see you in a bit then,’ Alex said.
She let herself out the back door, put in her earphones and pressed play. Kurt’s voice filled her head, singing ‘Pennyroyal Tea’.
Alex walked round the side of the house; the grass spongy underfoot like a springboard. Fat, brown slugs dotted the mossy lawn. It wasn’t really raining but the air was wet, like being in the spray from a waterfall. She felt it coat her face, her hair slick with it. She kept waiting to emerge out the other side but it was relentless. It irritated her even though there was nothing she could do about it. She wandered down the gravelly driveway, past the wooden B&B sign at the entrance. There was a wee placard hooked on underneath.
No Vacancies
She felt herself breathe out as she stepped onto the pavement. She’d spent her whole life being told not to disturb the guests when they visited Aunt Ruby, and she still felt that requirement to whisper.
The house overlooked The Falls, and she crossed the road and climbed down over the rocks to the edge of the water. They weren’t really falls as you would imagine a waterfall to be, more a series of tidal rapids and whirlpools which ran under the bridge that spanned the sea loch. She watched the swell and crash of the water. She’d always been slightly terrified of The Falls. Another familiar warning whenever they visited.
Don’t go anywhere near the loch. If you fall in, that’s you gone.
She didn’t think that was necessarily true. She’d seen people kayaking down it before. They’d capsized and been washed along, hanging to the underside of their boat. She didn’t really want to find out for herself though.
Kurt was screaming the song ‘Tourette’s’ now, his voice raw and strained. She wasn’t sure what the real lyrics were even though she’d listened to it hundreds of times; something about a heart. It was enough just to have him turned up loud, to scream along with, either in her head or in the privacy of her room. She made her own noises, like a form of primal scream therapy.
She scrambled back up onto the pavement and passed under one of the arches of the viaduct, as the bridge crossed the main road. She turned back when she reached the end of the village and the speed limit changed. She had to get used to the village pace now.
She walked up past the hotel and the church and then to the wee village shop. Her mum used to take her here for a comic and a sweetie before they got the train home to Edinburgh again. She picked up a Twix and a postcard of The Falls to send back to Mum, broke one of the notes her mum had given her before she’d left Edinburgh.
She thought about all the things she could spend this money on back home. Get the bus into town and go down Cockburn Street with Amy and Emma. Pie in the Sky. Avalanche. Flip. There were no cool shops here. In fact this was the only shop. Maybe she could go into Oban one day and have a wander around, buy a couple of tapes from WH Smith.
The pavement disappeared and Alex walked along the single track road. She came to the outskirts of the village on this side now. She wasn’t very sure where this road led to. It looked like nowhere. A gravel track with passing places disappearing into the distance, fields on one side, heathery shrub on the other. She couldn’t see any houses but she supposed there were people who lived that way, otherwise why bother with a road? She turned back, coming towards her Aunt’s house from the other side this time. A loop of the village that had taken her less time than it took to play In Utero.
Kurt had finished singing ‘All Apologies’ while she was in the shop so she turned the tape over, pressed play again. The tap, tap, tap of the drumsticks before the guitars kicked in. She opened her Twix and bit off the caramel and chocolate.
The two boys from next door were playing football in their front garden when she reached the B&B.
She’d met them before. They were twins, identical supposedly, but she could see a difference. She couldn’t remember their names though. She’d played with them when she was younger. Remembered seeing a photo of them all in a big tractor tyre turned into a sandpit.
Their house was also the local police station; the office looked like a white shed, tacked on to the side of the building.
They glanced over at her as she crunched up the driveway, finishing off her Twix. She waved, then realised they probably didn’t recognise her. Would think she was some strange girl who waved at boys. She was just about at the back door when the football landed with a boggy thud on the grass in front of her. She jumped. Her music too loud to have heard it until it almost hit her.
She turned and saw them looking over at her. One of them pointed at the ball, gestured for her to pass it back.
She bent to pick it up then realised how wet and muddy it was, so she kicked it towards them instead. Her football skills weren’t the greatest though and it rolled down the driveway towards the main road. They all ran after it and she made it to the gate just as one of the brothers stopped it.
‘Sorry,’ she said, taking out her earphones.
‘What are you listening to? Take That?’ The boy with the football grinned at her.
He was really blonde, his hair, his eyebrows, even his eyelashes. They were like dandelion fluff, she felt that if she blew too hard, they would float away. She looked at the other brother. His hair was darker, slightly curlier.
‘Eh, no. I can’t stand them. It’s Nirvana if you must know.’
‘Are you an actual fan or have you just jumped on the bandwagon since he killed himself?’
‘I’m an actual fan, thanks. I’ve been into them for ages.’
She wasn’t sure if she liked him or not. His questions were kind of irritating, but he didn’t seem like he was trying to piss her off.
‘I’m just checking. Some lassie we know was crying her eyes out about Kurt and she knew, what, one song. Eh, Banny?’
Banny nodded.
‘Are you staying long?’ The boy was trying to do keepie-uppies now as he spoke to her.
‘Not sure. A few weeks, I think.’
‘That’s a long holiday.’
‘Oh, I’m not a guest. My Aunt owns it. I’m helping her out.’
‘I knew I recognised you, didn’t I say so?’ He turned to his brother again, kicked the ball towards him.
His brother shrugged and tapped the ball from foot to foot.
‘We played together years ago. What’s your name again?’ the boy asked.
‘Alex.’
‘Alex? Are you sure? Maybe I’m thinking of someone else?’
‘No, you’re right. We did play together. I don’t remember your name either.’
‘I’m Gavin and that’s Banny.’
‘Banny’s not my real name,’ Gavin’s brother spoke for the first time. ‘My real name’s Aaron.’
‘Nobody calls him that though, except our mum.’
‘Why do you call him Banny?’
‘That’s our surname. He was born first so he gets the surname,’ Gavin said. ‘Six minutes and he thinks he’s it.’
‘I am,’ Banny said and threw the ball at Gavin’s head. Gavin ducked and it landed in Ruby’s garden again.
‘Banny’s your surname?’ Alex asked.
‘No, not Banny, Bannatyne.’
Alex picked up the ball and handed it over the fence to Gavin.
‘I played in your sandpit. At least I think it was yours. It was an old tyre.’
‘Aye, that’s right. I’d invite you round to play again but Mum’s turned it into a flowerbed now.’
‘I’m good. I’ll let you back to your game.’
The drizzle had collected on the end of Gavin’s long eyelashes, like dew on a spiderweb.
‘Aye, no bother. We’ll see you around, yeah?’
Alex nodded and headed back into the B&B.
Friday 15th July 1994
THEKITCHENWINDOWS were steamed up and the room smelt of fried bacon and eggs. Alex carried pots of tea and racks of toast through on a tray to the guests. Dining tables, which during the day stood stacked against the wall, were pulled out and spaced around the large hall in the B&B. Alex remembered playing What’s the Time Mr Wolf and Giant Steps when she was a kid, running the length of it with her mum and aunt, crawling under the dining tables during Hide and Seek. Even now, years later, the hall hadn’t diminished in size. It still seemed huge, the guest bedrooms leading off it and the guest lounge at the far end.
The five bedrooms in the B&B were all booked out. Couples mostly, although there was one family with a toddler and a baby. Ruby had set up a travel cot in their room, put a high chair at one of the dining tables. Alex had taken out a Variety Pack of cereal, let the older one choose her own breakfast. The mother had apologised to the whole room for the baby being up during the night, but nobody admitted to being disturbed.
Alex came backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, between kitchen and hallway, using the sliding door which separated the guest quarters from the living area. She was starting to get used to the early starts now, although it was still a shock to the system when Ruby knocked on her door and told her it was time to get up.
Valerie stood at the sink washing dishes, her arms submerged, the tops of her Marigolds showing above the foam. Alex grabbed a dish towel and started to dry the dishes that were piling up on the rack.
‘I think that’s pretty much it,’ Alex said. ‘Most people are away back to their rooms now.’
‘That’s another thank God,’ Ruby said, picking up a fork and putting it away in the drawer. Anything that came back untouched and didn’t need washed was a thank God to her.
She put on the kettle and made a pot of tea for the three of them. When they’d finished clearing everything away, they sat at the wee kitchen table and drank the tea with leftover bacon and egg sandwiches. Alex liked it when there was toast left over. She preferred it cold, the butter so thick you could see your teeth in it.
‘What are you up to today?’ Valerie asked.
‘Gavin and Banny asked me to go swimming once I’d finished the rooms. I think there’s a group of them going.’
‘That sounds good.’
‘Yeah, I don’t know what time they want to get the bus though.’
‘The bus?’
‘Yeah, into Oban. That’s where the pool is, right?’
‘Ach, you won’t be going all the way there, they’ll be meaning the back pond,’ Ruby said.
‘Please tell me the back pond is the name of a swimming pool,’ Alex replied.
Ruby and Valerie looked at each other and laughed.
‘Aye, it’s the name of the village’s very own outdoor pool,’ Valerie said.
‘A pond. They never told me it was a pond. Gavin made me think it was a pool.’
‘I’m sorry, love. I would have said if I’d known. Anyone who’s ever grown up here has learnt to swim in that pond,’ Ruby said.
In Alex’s head it was covered in a layer of green slime and lily pads, while ducks paddled on the surface.
‘Have you ever swam in it?’ Alex asked.
‘Not for a long time. It’s more of a young person’s thing.’
‘Don’t look like that,’ Valerie said. ‘Nobody’s ever drowned there as far as I know.’
‘That makes me feel better.’
‘I told your mother I’d look after you, didn’t I? I wouldn’t be letting you go if it wasn’t safe. You might as well make the most of this weather while it’s here.’
Alex wasn’t sure she wanted to go now. Gavin probably thought he was so funny, making her believe they were going to a pool. She wasn’t sure Mum would approve. She would definitely think it was unsafe.
‘I’ll give you one of the big fluffy guest towels,’ Ruby said. ‘You show those Bannatyne boys you’re not afraid of a little cold water.’
Banny was sitting on next door’s front step playing a guitar.
‘Hey,’ Alex waved and climbed the fence. ‘I didn’t know you played.’
‘I’m not all that good. I’ve been trying to teach myself.’
‘Play me something.’
He shook his head, about to say no, but then started to strum something. Alex didn’t recognise the tune but wasn’t sure if that made her or Banny come off worse.
‘Hey, that’s really good,’ she said.
‘Thanks,’ he replied.
‘How come you never told me we were going to a pond?’ she asked.
She had her costume on under her clothes and she could feel it riding up her arse.
‘That was nothing to do with me. I said to Gavin not to do that.’
‘I’m just relieved that I found out before we left.’
‘Are you still coming?’
‘Yeah, if you guys are.’
‘Aye, let me go and dump this inside and I’ll shout Gavin.’
Banny stood up, lifted his guitar by the neck and Alex sat on the vacated step. She had to shield her eyes from the sun to look out at the bridge.
Both boys appeared about ten minutes later, bags slung over their shoulders.
‘Banny said you found out,’ Gavin said. ‘I wanted to see your face when we showed up at the pond.’
‘Yeah, well, nae luck,’ Alex punched him on the arm.
‘Hey, there’s no need for that.’
‘There’s always a need for that,’ Banny said and hit Gavin on the other arm.
Alex fell into step alongside Gavin, Banny just behind them, as they walked. She had no idea where this pond actually was. She thought she’d seen all there was to see of the village. They followed a single track road, over a cattle grid, and then under the arch of an old railway bridge.
Gavin veered off the road and she followed him across the bracken and heather. They scrambled over an old dyke wall and kept going. The bracken grew taller the further into the wilderness they tramped and they had to push their way through it, walking single file at times. Eventually they came out the other side into a clearing where the pond lay.
It was bigger than she’d imagined it. Like a small loch, with a stony shoreline.
There was already a wee gang of kids there, some of them in the water, some sitting on the beach at the edge of the pond.
‘That’s Kirsty and Jenny there,’ said Banny. ‘They’re the year below us at school and that’s Pete, he’s in the same year as us. That guy’s Frankie, he’s the year below us too. That’s Mark, he’s a first year and that’s his big brother, Matty.’
Alex found it strange that they all knew each other even though they were different years. She guessed that was what happened when you all started out at a wee village primary school then had to get the bus together to the big school.
She noticed the way the girls looked at her as Gavin introduced her. They’d seemed pleased to see him. She wasn’t so sure they were thrilled that he had a girl in tow. They sat on towels at the edge of the pond, bare legs outstretched, soaking up the sun. They watched as Gavin stripped off his t-shirt and took off his shoes and socks. His shoulders were covered in freckles like a speckled egg. He was already wearing swim shorts and he waded into the pond and started to splash them. They squealed as the cold water hit them.
Alex dumped her bag and kicked off her trainers. Gavin swam out to the middle of the pond and dove under the dark, peaty water like a seal. He surfaced again and shook his head, his blonde hair sending spray towards the girls who squealed again. Alex felt the cold water hit her arms and started to regret coming along.
Kirsty and Jenny stood and peeled off t-shirts and skirts; began paddling at the edge of the pond. Pete and Frankie, already in the water, swam over to them and they ran back onto the beach again.
‘We’ll get in when we want to get in, thank you,’ Jenny said.
They paddled again, before both boys grabbed them and dragged them into the deeper water. They screamed as they went under.
‘You alright?’ Banny asked. He’d dumped his bag and was ready to go in. He was covered in freckles too, his back and his arms.
‘Yeah, I’m fine.’
‘My advice is get in fast. It’s fine once you’re in, I promise.’
Alex slipped off her t-shirt and her jeans, dropped them on top of her trainers. She shivered. It was a nice day, but she wasn’t sure it was the heatwave everyone else seemed to think it was. She’d hardly be down Porty beach if she was back home.
‘Come on, Alex,’ Gavin shouted to her from the pond.
Banny swam out towards Pete and Frankie.
She thought about the goggles she’d packed and realised what a loser these kids would think she was if she tried to put them on.
Fuck it, she said to herself and walked towards the pond, promising herself she wouldn’t stop. It was just cold water after all.
It didn’t feel too bad against her feet and shins, it was when she got to waist height that she really felt the cold. Everything told her to stop, get out. But she realised now, she was the only one not in the water. She spotted Gavin swimming towards her and waded in further, could feel the pebbles moving beneath her feet.
She lay on her back, felt the air leave her as her shoulders and head hit the water. Fuck, it was cold. She looked up at the sky, waited for her breathing to come back to normal. The next thing she knew a weight was on her stomach and she’d gone under. She kicked for the surface, Gavin floated beside her laughing.
‘You fucker,’ she said and pushed herself up onto his shoulders, tried to duck him. He was too strong though, he grabbed her and threw her off and she was under again. The cold water like a slap. The rest of them joined in and soon they were all splashing and pushing and ducking each other. It was a few minutes before she realised she wasn’t cold anymore. She felt the complete opposite, her skin burning now.
Mark had brought a ball with him and they passed it around, throwing it across the pond, trying to skim it and make the wake splash up in each other’s faces.
The sun shimmered on the rippled surface as Alex sculled her hands and drifted from side to side. She felt the tickle of the plants against her shins and watched as black minnows darted away from her.
Her fingers and toes had started to go numb, so she swam to the other side of the pond and back again before heading out onto the beach and wrapping the towel around her. Her teeth were chattering but she didn’t want the others to see how cold she was.
Only Gavin, Banny and Pete were still in now. They threw the ball to each other. She sat on an old blanket next to the others.
‘So, how do you know Gavin and Banny?’ Kirsty asked.
‘My Aunt lives next door to them.’
‘At the B&B?’
‘Aye, that’s right.’
‘Where are you from?’ said Jenny.
‘Edinburgh. I’m just up for the summer, helping out.’
‘Which one do you think’s better looking?’ Jenny asked Alex. ‘Gavin or Banny?’
‘I don’t know,’ Alex replied.
‘We all know who Jenny does,’ Kirsty said.
‘Shut up,’ Jenny replied.
‘It’s so obvious. Jenny loves Gavin.’ Kirsty winked at Alex.
‘What about you then, Kirsty?’ Jenny turned to her friend.
‘Well, if I say Gavin, you’ll scratch my eyes out, so Banny.’
‘I don’t really know,’ Alex said. ‘I’ve not really thought about it.’
‘Come on, you must have. If you had to choose?’
‘Gavin, I suppose,’ she shrugged.
‘I told you,’ Kirsty laughed and Alex wondered what they’d been saying about her.
‘Ach, but Banny’s okay too. Honestly, I don’t like them that way,’ she said, not wanting to get on the wrong side of the only two girls she’d met so far.
‘So, Alex thinks Gavin’s better looking than Banny,’ Jenny said as Alex waited her turn to climb over the dyke, on the way back from the pond.
Both Banny and Gavin looked at her.
‘I did not say that,’ Alex said.
‘Yeah, you did.’
‘Come on, Jenny. She didn’t really say that,’ Kirsty said.
‘Well, can’t say I blame her,’ Gavin said.
‘Fuck off,’ Banny replied.
Alex felt her cheeks flush and tried to hide her face, looking down as she climbed over the wall. She felt the anger towards Jenny build inside her. She knew she shouldn’t have said anything, that she was being lured into some trap with the questioning. It wasn’t her fault the village had some weird incestuous thing going on between all the kids.
She walked on her own, away from the rest of them, and pretended not to care. There was a wet patch on the arse of her jeans from her damp costume and she was really starting to feel the cold now. It made her even more pissed off. When Jenny and Kirsty peeled off from the group, she made a point of not saying goodbye.
‘Just ignore Jenny, she can be a bit of a pain. She’s fancied Gavin since Primary,’ Banny said, when it was just the three of them again.
‘I honestly didn’t say that.’
‘It doesn’t bother me,’ Banny replied.
‘Nah, me either,’ Gavin said. ‘Banny’s right, she can be a wee shit-stirrer sometimes.’
‘Did you enjoy your swim?’ Banny asked.
‘Aye, I did. Surprisingly.’
She wasn’t lying about that. She really had enjoyed it. It was dumb but she felt really proud of herself for going in.
‘We’ll let you know when we’re heading back up then,’ Gavin said.
‘Yeah, sounds good.’
They split at the driveway to their houses and Alex let herself in the back door.
She went straight to the bathroom and peeled off her damp clothes and costume. Ruby didn’t have a proper shower in her bathroom, just one of those pipes with nozzles that attached to the hot and cold taps. It was always either too hot or too cold. Alex adjusted it until it was as hot as she could bear and stood underneath until the mirrors in the bathroom steamed up. She hadn’t lied. She had enjoyed the swim but she wasn’t sure it was something she wanted to be doing every day.
Thursday 27th July 1995
They were hanging out in Banny’s bedroom listening to the new Soul Asylum album that he’d bought in WH Smith that morning. Alex had bought blank tapes and was going through his CDs, working out which ones she wanted him to copy for her.
The doorbell rang and Mrs Bannatyne appeared a few seconds later.
‘That’s Jenny and Kirsty at the door for you.’
‘For who?’ Gavin asked.
‘Your girlfriend is hardly going to be looking for me,’ Banny replied.
‘Shut up, Banny. She’s not my girlfriend. Mum, can you tell them I’m not in.’
‘No, I can’t. Go and tell them yourself,’ Mrs Bannatyne answered.
‘I don’t know what’s so funny,’ Gavin said. ‘They’ll come in here and want to put Take That on.’
‘You can entertain them in your room then,’ Banny replied. ‘Alex, you can stay.’
‘What’s the problem with Jenny and Kirsty?’
Secretly, Alex was glad. She’d still not forgiven Jenny for embarrassing her at the pond last summer. She was sure that she didn’t rank very highly on Jenny’s list of favourite people either.
‘Nothing,’ Gavin said.
Alex looked at Banny.
‘Gav got off with Jenny at the school disco and now he’s too chicken to tell her he’s actually not that interested.’
‘That’s not what happened. Banny’s making it sound worse than it is.’
‘So, you didn’t pull her at the disco?’
‘No, I did do that, but she knows we’re just friends. The problem is this is what she considers being friends.’
‘You’d better go and speak to them,’ Alex said.
‘No, I can’t be bothered. I just want to hang out here with you guys.’
‘If she sees Alex here, she might get the hint,’ Banny suggested.
‘No, don’t use me in your little village dramas,’ Alex replied.
‘Let’s just take off,’ Gav said.
‘We can’t run off. Your mum told them you were in.’ ‘Ach, we’ll just pretend we left before the doorbell rang and Mum didn’t know.’
‘Isn’t that kind of shitty?’
Alex wanted to give the impression she was up for doing the right thing. Sisterhood and all that other crap that Mum was always going on about. The truth was the thought of running away with both boys seemed exciting and fun. Besides, the thought that Gavin and Jenny had kissed made her feel weird. She wasn’t sure she liked the idea of him kissing someone, especially Jenny.
‘They’ll see us,’ Banny said.
‘Not if we jump the back wall.’
‘Where are we going to go?’ Banny said. ‘I can’t really be arsed running round the village with those two chasing us.’
‘We could show Alex the bridge.’
‘I’ve seen the bridge. It’s literally right out there.’ Alex pointed in the direction of The Falls.
‘No, Banny and I have found this secret bit. Haven’t we?’ ‘Aye, and I thought it was meant to be a secret. We’ll be in so much shit if anyone finds out.’
‘About what? I won’t tell, I promise.’
The thrill of doing a runner with the boys was now heightened by the fact that they were going to let her in on a secret. She liked the feeling it gave her, of being part of their inner sanctum. Nae joy, Jenny.
‘Come on, we need to go now before Mum comes back,’ Gavin said, pulling on his trainers.
‘Okay,’ Banny switched off the CD.
Alex pulled her shoes on, followed the boys out of their bedroom and through the back door into the garden. She felt giggles suddenly overwhelm her. Not because what they were doing was funny, but because it was illicit and daring. She could barely contain her laughter. It was infectious and soon Banny and Gavin were in hysterics too as they raced across the grass towards the back wall.
‘Hey, Gavin, we can see you, you know.’
A girl’s voice shouted from behind them. Alex glanced round and saw Jenny and Kirsty watching them from the side of the house.
‘Shit, we’ve been spotted,’ Banny said.
‘Keep going,’ Gavin replied.
They climbed the wall and cut through the neighbour’s garden.
Alex could hardly run for laughing, for the tears that ran down her face. She couldn’t look at Banny or Gavin. Every time she glanced at one of them or thought about what they were doing, the laughter would blurt out. She kept hearing Jenny’s shout in her head, and that set her off too. She had no idea why. It was a shitty thing they were doing. Why was it so hilarious?
‘I’ve got a stitch from laughing, I can’t keep going,’ Banny stopped and doubled over.
‘Come on,’ Gavin grabbed him like they were running for their lives.
Alex followed the boys up an overgrown grass verge and along a sheep track. Her trainers were wet from the long grass and she had no idea where they were taking her. She hadn’t even realised this path existed.
They eventually emerged onto the main road which led round onto the bridge from the village.
The boys kept going, ran along the pavement and out onto the bridge. It was a single lane road here, traffic lights controlling the direction of the bridge traffic. It had been a railway bridge at one point and was now too narrow for two lanes. Alex had only ever crossed in a car before, never on foot. She stopped running, out of breath and sweaty, and took in the view of The Falls from on high. She could see right into the lounge window of the B&B from here.
‘What’s this secret then?’ Alex asked.
Gavin and Banny looked at each other and Banny shrugged.
‘Tell me, I’ve ran all this way,’ Alex said.
‘Okay, follow me.’
Gavin continued walking until the arched viaduct turned into the metal railing of the bridge itself.
‘See, down there.’ Gavin leant over and pointed at the stone abutment. ‘That gap there.’
Alex followed where he was pointing. There was a triangle shaped hole where the metal cantilever met the abutment.
‘In there’s a big, hollow space. You can climb into it and nobody knows you’re there.’
‘How the hell did you discover that?’
‘We just did.’ Banny shrugged. ‘It’s a bit dark and that, but we’ve got a torch in there now, a blanket. It’s fine.’
‘You expect me to climb down there?’ Alex said.
‘You don’t have to. It’s safe though. See, that bit’s pretty wide. You just have to wait for a break in the traffic.’
Gavin was right. You probably could climb over and balance on the stone pillar without too much trouble. The problem was if you slipped or lost your footing. She looked at the drop and it made her nauseous. Even if the tide was in, it wasn’t deep enough to stop you smashing onto the rocks. She was torn. She wanted to join in, to impress these two boys, but she was shit scared at even attempting to do that. Her hands shook at the thought of trying to pull herself up and over the railing.
‘I think I’d rather go back and face Jenny and Kirsty than climb down there,’ she said.
‘Fair enough,’ Gavin replied.
‘I would like to walk across to the north side though. I’ve never done that before.’
‘Cool, let’s do that.’
As she walked, Alex tried to process the thought of Gavin and Jenny at the school disco. Why did it bother her so much?
A glider took off from the airfield on the north side. It rose up over the sea loch and she watched as the winch line was released and fell back towards the runway. The glider circled overhead as the falls churned and frothed below.
She walked on one side of the bridge while the boys walked on the other. They flickered in and out of sight, between the passing cars, as if a strobe light was on them. She watched them from the corner of her eye, as they appeared and disappeared, like ghosts.
Wednesday 14th February 1996
Alex pushed open the door; a pile of mail lay at her feet but she purposely ignored it. She had spent the entire walk home from school arguing with herself about Valentine’s Day. She was angry at herself for hoping a card would be there but she couldn’t let go of the fact that she wanted one.
She’d even made up reasons for there not being any. They’d been doing Tess of the D’Urbervilles in English and had just got to the bit where Tess tries to tell Angel about her past but the letter gets pushed under the carpet by mistake and he doesn’t find it. Alex imagined this happening to her Valentine’s card and told herself she’d check under the hall rug when she got in, even though she knew that was the most stupid thing ever. The postman used the letterbox and didn’t slide random pieces of mail under the front door. Unless the card itself was from the postman which would be weird; he was an old man, and she didn’t want a Valentine’s card from the postie, she wanted one from a very specific person.
It was around this point in her thoughts that she started to get angry with herself and now, as punishment, she wasn’t allowed to check the mail until at least fifteen minutes had passed since she’d let herself in.
She headed into her room and changed into jeans and her Che Guevara t-shirt. Then she lay on the bed and timed the fifteen minutes on her watch. If she checked before the time was up then she would jinx herself and there definitely wouldn’t be a card for her.
School had been worse than usual today. Half the girls in her year were still going on about Take That splitting up. Emma had said that Louise from their Biology class had actually phoned the Samaritans special helpline.
Alex looked to see how many minutes she had left to wait.
‘There’s nothing there anyway, why are you being so dumb?’ she said to herself, angry now at the stupid hex she’d put on herself which meant absolutely nothing but everything at the same time.
She didn’t even believe in Valentine’s Day. It was exploitative and consumerist and it made people feel bad for no reason at all.
‘You are so pathetic,’ she said to her reflection in the mirror when the fifteen minutes were up and then purposely made herself wait another two before heading to the door and picking up the post. There was a blue envelope lying amongst the pizza leaflets and letters addressed to her mum.
‘It’s not a Valentine’s card, Alex. Stop being a dumbass.’
She tried to drown out the small voice in her head that told her the blue envelope could be a card. She would just end up disappointed when she looked at it and saw it was junk mail or something else for her mum.
She was more pissed off than usual at herself this year. That was the real reason for all the anger. She’d actually participated in the whole godawful charade and, what was worse, she felt a thrill of excitement alongside the shame every time she thought of the card she’d sent. She’d done it all in secret; bought the card on the way home from school and hidden it under her pillow until she could think of what to write in it. It had to be something more original than ‘Be My Valentine’.
She didn’t want to admit it but there was a part of her that got a kick out of liking someone enough to want to send them a card. Life was much more exciting when you had a crush on someone. Mum had always brought her up to believe that you didn’t need a boyfriend to make you happy but there was something so exciting about fancying someone. Especially before you got to the sucky part where they found out and everyone teased you and then they didn’t like you back. That part was just sad songs and pain.
Those early days of liking someone, when you just started to realise it was happening. You had to actually admit it to yourself, like they weren’t your own feelings or something. The way you would then think about the person constantly, daydream about them. Fantasise stupid things, like getting locked overnight in a shop together or accidentally bumping into them on the street and imagining what you’d say. Inventing random conversations. And not just the words, but how they’d be spoken. The facial expressions. The reactions. The body language. The way you thought about them when you heard ‘You and Me Song’ on the radio.
Sometimes you’d dream about them; sometimes you even dream-kissed. Then you’d wake up and feel like you’d really shared something with them, like you knew them better, even though it was all just some weird dream version of life and not reality. You’d try to hold onto the dream, of the feeling it gave you, but it would slip away from you like trying to grip water.
All this had brought on the urge to buy a card. Not one of those obvious, actual Valentine’s branded ones though; all bright red and covered in cheesy rhymes. She wasn’t going to actively give money to the Valentine’s Day overlords. The one she bought was a normal, everyday card. It had a heartshaped pebble on the front and it was blank inside.
She’d spent hours deciding what to write in it, scribbling ideas in an old school jotter. She had to get her handwriting just right: neat but fancy and unrecognisable from her real writing. Not that he’d ever seen her writing before, at least she didn’t think he had. She practised writing his name, over and over and over and over.
She had finally gone with lyrics from ‘Wonderwall’. She definitely preferred Blur in the whole Blur v Oasis thing, but ‘Wonderwall’ was a fucking good song and she thought of him whenever she heard it. She’d signed it with a question mark and some kisses, but not so many that it looked tacky.
The ‘to’ of the card was obvious. She’d been thinking about him for weeks now. Counting down the days until she could go and stay with Ruby again. She’d secretly looked up his full address in Ruby’s telephone book before she’d left the last time, and written it down along with his home phone number. She had it memorised now but she still liked writing it, making a mark more permanent than memory. She’d spend whole evenings, whole afternoons, writing his name, his address, his phone number and then just looking at it. Sometimes she’d stop in a phone box and call direct enquiries, give his address and surname and then recite the number in her head as the operator reeled it back to her. It was stupid but she was compelled to do it. She loved the feeling it gave her, the closeness to him. One time, when her mum was out, she’d actually dialled his home number. His dad had answered and she’d hung up without saying anything. Hoped he wouldn’t dial 1471.
She ripped the middle pages out of school jotters and wrote letters to Amy and Emma about him; in the margins she doodled.
AK
GB
She scrawled his name onto her pencil case and her school bag using a Tipp-Ex pen, used a drawing pin from her Christian Slater poster to scratch his initials into the skirting board in her bedroom; down low, where her mum wouldn’t notice the graffiti.
AK
GB
She did calculations using both their names.
Alex Kirk
Loves
Gavin Bannatyne
10120
1132
245
69%
You had to count up the number of L, O, V, E and S, then add them together until you came up with a percentage.
She’d been nervous the first time she’d done it, but they’d got 69% so now she did it all the time. It wasn’t quite as high as she’d hoped for but anything above 60% was good. One time she’d miscounted and only got 56% and then had to repeat the whole calculation another three times just to exorcise that 56%. Amy thought it was hilarious that it was 69% and Alex hadn’t really got the joke until she explained what a 69 was.
Alex leafed through the mail. There was one letter to go before the blue envelope.
Stop being such a dick and just look.
She took the blue envelope out from underneath and saw her name and address scrawled on it. It was for her. She dumped the rest of the post on the hall table and carried the envelope through to her bedroom. She could feel herself starting to get carried away. Just because it was made out to her didn’t mean it was a Valentine’s day card.
She studied the handwriting but didn’t recognise it. It was messy though. It looked like a boy’s writing.
She could feel herself smiling and tried to stop. She sat on the bed, afraid to open it now in case she ended up disappointed. It was too late, her brain was charging on ahead of her. She was already picturing herself holding the Valentine’s card in her hand.
She ripped open the envelope. Inside was a card with a picture of Kurt Cobain on the front. It was black and white, a close-up of his face; hair falling across his eyes which were rimmed with black kohl. He looked straight at the camera, stubble round his nose and mouth. She had the exact same poster of him in her room. He looked beautiful in it. The only difference was that her poster had the dates at the bottom.
1967–1994
Sometimes she would gaze into his eyes and feel so sad that he wasn’t here anymore, even though she’d never met him.
She’d seen this card in WH Smith in town. There was a whole range of them. Audrey Hepburn, James Dean, Elvis, Steve McQueen, Marilyn Monroe, Jimi Hendrix.
Black and white icons.
Black and white dead icons.
She opened the card.
To Alex, it said at the top. Then it was scrawled with lines from lots of different Nirvana songs. All of them with some kind of relevant meaning.
‘Heart-shaped box’
‘Aneurysm’
‘Drain You’
‘Love Buzz’
‘About a Girl’
It was signed at the bottom with a question mark and six kisses.
She looked at herself in her bedroom mirror. She had a big, stupid grin on her face.
‘It’s a Valentine’s card,’ she said to her reflection. ‘Someone’s sent me a Valentine’s card.’
It was such a perfect one too, she couldn’t have chosen any better. It wasn’t a stupid cliché with pictures of cherubs or Forever Friends bears or any of that shit. He, whoever he was, hadn’t written stupid cheesy verses in it or any of those really dodgy ones that the guys at school had all been reciting today.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m using my hand,
But I’m thinking of you.
These were proper song lyrics. Ones she loved too. Ones she already listened to and thought of Gavin when she heard them.
She lifted the card and looked at it properly, studied the handwriting. She didn’t recognise it at all. She had no proof but she was already convincing herself that Gavin had sent it. She wanted it to be him so badly that any small sign would be enough.
She looked at the envelope again. It was a Glasgow postmark. That meant it was unlikely to be anyone from school.
It had to be him.
She built up the evidence in her head.
The Glasgow postmark.The Nirvana lyrics. He liked Nirvana and he knew she did too.The WH Smith card. Oban had a WH Smith.Her gut feeling.The fact that she wanted it to be true.She kissed Kurt’s face on the front of the card, then wiped away the imprint. She had to keep this card safe and pristine. Everything felt so amazing. She wanted to scream with joy. She put on Nevermind, turned it up loud and danced round the room singing, holding the card like a dance partner. She was acting like a total idiot, she knew that, but she didn’t care. She was ecstatic. She held the card up and showed it to its poster twin. This was such a rush, such a high. She wondered if he’d got her card? If he guessed who it was? If it made him feel just as crazy?
She imagined seeing him again. Of him taking her hand and then leaning in to kiss her. She threw herself on the bed and hid her face with the pillow.
