Fangs Rule E-Book

Amy Mah

• Herausgeber: Reardon Publishing
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2017

Seitenzahl: 101

Beschreibung

"Fangs Rule a girls guide to being a vampire …. is a young Adult book for anyone between Puberty and Senility as it takes a close up look at life as a female teenage vampire in easy to follow A to Z advice for the reader, the book is also full of manga art which helps show the human world what life is like in a vampire world………. Giving helpful advice such as how to explain to your Mom that as a teenage blood curdling denizen of the night you would like to paint your cave bedroom black without having a shouting match over why you don’t like the way she painted the stalagmites bright pink to go with the large stuffed pink bats hanging from the ceiling.Everything is explained from how to polish your fangs to fashion tips and ways of climbing across a ceiling wearing a nightdress without showing your underwear.Fangs Rule is a must for every teenage vampire and from these pages you will see why Amy says “Vampires Don’t Sparkle! …. They Bite!Hi! My name is Amy Mah Vampire and here are some helpful hints from my book: Fangs Rule: A Girls Guide to Being a VampireGoing out on a date: Yes we all go thought the same difficulties of what to wear, the wardrobe will not shut but I still do not have anything suitable, so after hours of searching in the end I decide to wear black as it will match my comfy shoes, ok so I have more shoes than a dictators wife but only one comfy pair and they are black, why comfy shoes? Well I have no idea where we are going so what the heck should I wear!Now comes the date bag, why can’t a girl just go out, and when I say a girl I mean me, why do I have to look like I’m going for a 10 day vacation and not just a night out.So lets open the date bag and check if everything is there.1. Cell phone fully charged.2. Spare cash and credit card.3. Packet of mints for after eating smelly food….er…………foreigners4. Chap stick ….well you may kiss him and …….. it goes with the mints ok?5. Make up mirror, why take a mirror you ask, ..er …well if I get ship wreaked I can use it to signal for help, look it is just needed ok!6. Packet of tissues just in case you can not find a washroom when out. 7. Keys large bunch and no I do not know why luggage keys are on the same ring with my house keys.8. Sun glasses, hat and 100% sun block just in case you stay out early.9. A spare pair of panties in case I sleep over ……… er not that I am planning to sleep over … er forget it ok! Look I said stop giggling and forget it!!!!10. Precautions and protection, nowadays it is not just a boys reasonability for protection and so a girl should also take her own protection if needed, personally I take a can of Mace and a 10 inch kitchen knife and if that fails I sink my teeth into the neck! The author Amy Mah (Vampire) is a well known blogger, that writes and blogs as a cynical teenage vampire:Being a vampire sounds like it should be a cool thing to be as a teenage girl, like sleeping during the day and enjoying a night life with friends, huh, no one had warned me that it also meant having to suffer Teenage Hormones for so long! I am stuck as a teenager the years may pass but I am the same age! And as to the rules, so many rules, and vampire uniforms! Guys have long fancy cloaks that they are always tripping over and as to the Girls uniform, it is a 18th C Nightdress! The old male vampires expect a girl to walk about wearing just a see through nightdress with no underwear on!! as if that is ever going to happen!, they have seen far too many horror films! Life as a teenager is normally a living hell but even more so when you have fangs. The world is just out to get me, and not just by people trying to stake me because I have better teeth than they do!

Leseprobe

REARDON PUBLISHING

PO Box 919, Cheltenham, Glos, GL50 9AN. England, UK

Copyright © 2016

Reardon Publishing

Written by

Amy Mah

Amy’s Website: AmyMahVampire.com

ISBN (13) 9781874192480

Manga Artwork by

Heby Sim

Layout and Design by

Nicholas Reardon

My name is Amy. .........er..... OK, my full Vampire name is: Lady Amelia, Mistress of the Night Mare, and Alpha Female from the Family of the Pink Bat. Yes... that is why I prefer to shorten it to Amy Mah (Vampire).

I should point out that I'm a real living full blood born Vampire not some cold blooded undead turnling. But I grew up in the human world - raised by humans - until I was discovered and adopted into the Pink Bat Family.

Being a Vampire in the human world was very difficult. No-one had ever told me how a Vampire should act. Everyone just thought I was a teenage girl with strange dietary needs, anaemic or something, and I rattled from the number of iron tablets I took every day.

What I should do? How I should act? I knew I needed blood but didn't know why or how to get it, and all the knowledge I had on Vampirism was from human books and movies telling all kinds of stuff about Vampires that was just stupid. Like telling me I could change into a bat - I know that's not true because I tried it.

And believe me when I say it is not cool to be discovered at school flapping your arms up and down trying to fly, those sort of events kinda follow you about!

So when living with humans I started writing my own little A -Z in my journal, recording what it's like being a teenage Vampire and putting right all the strange stories that are so not true. I know that a lot of it will be very obvious to you if you know anything about real Vampires, but I started it when I knew nothing at all. Even when I joined the Nest I started out being the lowest of the low, with very little knowledge and a rank below that of a cat. Er …… I think the cats probably still outrank me!

As I said, it's just my scribbling but I hope you find it helpful, or at least amusing.

Amy Mah (Vampire)

k

Amy Mah Vampire

A

ABOMINATION

This is a swear word used to insult another Vampire, and can mean they have two heads or are wearing odd coloured socks. With the fashion police you're more likely to be killed for wearing odd coloured socks than for having two heads.

AGE

Vampires can look any age that's younger than their real age, so most go about looking between 20 and 40. You can also stick at an age and not change for years, or powerful older Vampires (like your parents) can slow down your ageing. No, I don't know how. Being a teenage girl is bad enough but being stuck as one for years and years is so not fair. OK, I get older, but I'm still a teenager. I look like a teenager and I act like a teenager, I feel like a teenager, year after year after frigging year! Sorry, I'm getting carried away, but I've had enough of teenage hormones.

ALPHA

Top Vamps, usually oldest family, best teeth in the Nest, and stronger with sharper bites. Er … they rule the place. Unless you are of high birth you start off as a Beta, if you think you deserve to be an Alpha then you can ask the Council to test you. If they agree then they'll raise your status, otherwise they might just kill you for wasting their time.

Alpha Males get involved in the running of the place, by which I mean all the important stuff like the external businesses, controlling the pets (not just the sex sort) that work for us, and the political stance of the Nest when dealing with outer Nests.

Alpha Females run the unimportant stuff to do with the Nest, like, everything that's not to do with politics and business. Not that we do the actual work, the maids do that, (FAMULA turned human girls the undead vampire that humans think we all are) but we have life of death control of them and they look to us for instruction. They would have originally been very close to Male Vampires (ex-sex pets) but soon learn to take orders from the Females. Knowing that a Male could kill you is fine but as my Aunt says a Female in power can make you wish you were dead.

If the council upgrades your status to an Alpha Female then you have your family brand upgraded by having a circle of gold burnt into the skin around the family brand. Alpha Females have both benefits and disadvantages in life. They have more freedom and more rights than a normal Beta: as a Alpha girl you may not be a Vampire Queen but you can at times get away acting like a spoilt princess. The major disadvantage is that you are prime breeding stock for the greater glory of the Nest, so young Alpha Females sometimes run off and become Renegades if they do not wish to have a family too soon in life.

B

BASE

When dating it is handy to know the code words of what you are doing with each other. Believe it or not others have also done it, and have even numbered it! So what at is 1st 2nd 3rd 4th and 5th base?

First Base:

OK, this is the one we normally call making out, and unless you are on heat it stops at kissing, hugging and generally grabbing at each other. At this stage bitting is out as a boy should buy you a meal and not expect to you to provide it!

Second Base:

Letting a boy feel you above the waist - you know where I mean. For some reason boys are fascinated with boobs, and with plastic surgery so easily available nowadays I don't see why they don't get their own, Something to remember at this stage in a relationship is the golden rule that the only person allowed to touch your boobs with cold hands is a doctor. If a boy forgets this golden rule and laughs as you leap in the air with the first stages of frost bite, you are fully entitled to ban him from touching them or other parts of your body until he learns the error of a misplaced laugh. It is a good idea to also threaten to give him a very painful bite in a place where he can't show his friends.

Third Base:

This is when you let a boy bite you and you can both suck each other's blood - just don't let your parents so no neck bites (carry a packet of tissues to wipe away the blood stains) Be warned some perants may have you strp to look you all over for bite marks, and to make it worse do it in a public place!

Fourth Base:

Home run (er… raising one's tail) Personally I find licking your lips while letting your fangs desend is a sure way to convice a guy to keep his pants on.

Fifth Base:

Warning if in dought dont! Doing all of the above when on heat, this is called running the bases, it is also called getting Mated, due to a bonding contract signed years ago by your parents, you now have a life time Mate!

This can also come as a pleasant surprise to the boy who will be so happy he will wish to leave the Nest as fast as he can to celebrate. He is generally so overcome with excitement that some of your Male relatives may have to knock him unconscious and drag him to a quiet room where they can show him the contract and gently explain to him his new role as a loving mate and father, and also point out how lucky he is to have them protect him from various painful accidents that could so easily happen to him if he did not quickly become a relative.

BAT

We like Bats (apart from their toilet habits) and you will notice we have lots of bat like symbols connected to us but I think that this is partly due to the lack of other cave animals. True, we have some very interesting fungus, but having a sickly green and orange splodge of colour as a logo looks like a designer just vomited his lunch up on the design and pretended it was done on purpose.

BITE

Urges to bite: We all get those normal urges to bite things, and I must point out it is very normal. Claws are all well and good in a fight but a bite gives the extra advantage of getting a refreshing drink during the fight.

Lots of girls worry about showing their Fangs, but apart from the daft rules of not showing them in public because it is rude, don't be shy, they can be a girl's greatest asset. OK, second greatest asset. If someone is being rude to you, don't snarl at them just bite them! You are a Vampire... why do you think you have sharp teeth and powerful jaws if not for sinking your teeth into someone?

BITE (Where to bite)

Humans seem to think we always bite them on the neck, whereas it doesn't matter as they are just bags of blood.

Neck Bite: We bite other Vampires on the neck to show superiority but for humans it was due to fashion! In the past a human girl was covered from neck to toe in clothing, boots, thick dresses, corsets and underwear that only a couple of maids and a can opener could get her out of. That meant only the neck was left available. The Neck Bite was also very useful on the dance floor with slow music and a long smooch which turned into a long drink. Wrist Bite: The most common place to bite and be bitten.

Inner Thigh Bite: This is very good but hard to do without the human girl noticing. True, we have some very progressive dances, but for a Male Vampire to stick his head up a human girl's skirt on the dance floor is just asking for trouble, if not a lot of attention. Or, if tried in error on an unwilling Vampire girl, then it could lead to sudden death.

BOYS

Dumb, stupid, rude, smelly, insensitive, uncaring, unfeeling. Need I say more?

BOYFRIENDS

Boyfriends are boys that are not friends. Handsome, charming, caring, strong, sweet, cute, hot, fit... Er ………… the difference is obvious. If not then you are still too young for a boyfriend and should stick with your stuffed bats.

Meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time is a problem, like what to wear and how to act. It's best to have some simple rules to follow.

1.Don't talk about boys you have bitten or have bitten you in the past.

2.Don't tell risky stories like the first time you came on heat and what you tried to do with the head of the council until guards pulled you off him and forced you to give back his pants.

3.Don't offer to raise your dress to show them your family brand at the dinner table.

4.Don't comment on the food, ever. Even if it is still alive and you have to catch it before it runs off, if you have to say anything just point out how you enjoy frisky fresh food.

5.Lastly, no matter how weird, strange, odd, peculiar and down right creepy his parents are or act, try very hard not to point his out to him.

Reasons:

A:Strangely he has somehow failed to notice.

B:Or, he has noticed and is praying hard that you haven't.

C:Remember what your own are like.

BLOOD

Wow, yes, blood. The taste, the feel and the pleasure of it... wowwwwww. (Sorry, getting a bit carried away again.) Humans always think it is disgusting how we can like blood so much knowing where it comes from, well, all I have to say is that they eat eggs knowing where they come from. And as to milk, well it's just perverted to enjoy milk unless you're a baby.