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- Herausgeber: WS
- Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
- Sprache: Englisch
What happens when seven old heathens, who died together in a car wreck, are denied entry to both Heaven and Hell? Welcome to the chaotic, comedic, and surprisingly touching world of the Impossible Apostles. Sent back to Earth with a divine mission, these rough-around-the-edges souls must navigate their second chance at redemption under the watchful eyes of angels and demons.
Join Pip, Larry, Rob, and the rest of the Impossible Apostles as they concoct good deeds, endure miraculous mishaps and confront unearthly peril. Guided by Carley, the Angel of Death, and pursued by Nasty, the evil prince of darkness, their journey is a rollercoaster of divine humor and existential dread.
Impossible Apostles blends sharp wit with profound insights, tackling themes of faith, redemption, and the eternal battle between good and evil. With a unique mix of irreverent humor and heartfelt moments, this parable will keep you laughing, thinking, and rooting for the most unlikely heroes in the universe.
Will they secure their place in the divine kingdom, or will their last chance at redemption end in eternal damnation? Find out in this heavenly hilarious and devilishly clever tale.
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Seitenzahl: 187
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024
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Impossible Apostles
A parable written by
Walter McAuliffe and Christina Romeo
Copyright © 2024 by Walter McAuliffe and Christina Romeo
All rights reserved.
No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher or author, except as permitted by U.S. Copyright law.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Walter McAuliffe lives in New Jersey, but he could live, thrive, and survive just about anywhere. McAuliffe was on his own for much of his early years. A slightly off spec soul and blessed with a sense of humor, the good Lord chuckled then dropped McAuliffe into the river of life without a flotation device. Watching him being carried downstream, he shouted a blessing, "Good luck and keep the Faith!"
Like everything else; raising yourself has an upside and a downside. You are free to live life without being micromanaged by a family unit. However, when reality replaces family, the result is a lot fo missteps and hard lessons which are never forgotten. McAuliffe views life through a different prism; he often rationalizes and functions differently than his peers. Is that a positive or negative way to go through life? If asked he'll simply respond, "Rule number one, life is not fair."
Walter is screenwriter and the author ofDinosaur on an Islandavailable on Amazon.
Christina Romeo is a devoted Licensed Clinical Social Worker who earned her Master’s in Social Work from Ramapo College. With a focus on working with marginalized and vulnerable populations, Christina is committed to promoting acceptance, diversity, and self-worth. She firmly believes that self-understanding and acceptance are key to personal growth and healing.
A chance meeting marked the beginning of an unexpected friendship and a path to healing. Christina met Walter, a Vietnam veteran seeking support. Walter found Christina understood his unique perspective and genuinely believed what others failed to acknowledge. Their bond, built on mutual respect and the therapeutic power of storytelling, allowed Walter to share his stories and history, finding healing and purpose in the process. This profound connection inspired the co-creation of their book.
Christina's dedication to addressing life's complexities is evident in her writing and clinical practice. Her journey with Walter highlights her belief in the transformative power of storytelling and personal growth. This commitment to connection and compassion defines her approach to fostering healing and authenticity.
Contents
Introduction
Impossible (im-pos-si-ble) Incapable of occurring; extremely awkward or difficult to deal with.
Apostle (a-pos-tle) Each of the twelve chief disciples of Jesus Christ. Any important early Christian teacher.
(Impossible Apostles) A conundrum for both Heaven and Hell.
There is one parable never mentioned in the bible; the parable of God’s Impossible Apostles. An incident buried in time, omitted from the bible, hidden from saints and sinners alike. The fiasco remained concealed until late one night when seven old drunk heathens died together in a car wreck. When Hell refused to accept their “off-spec souls”, the resultant debacle exposed Heaven’s only blemish.
Arriving at the pearly gates they were surprised to learn Heaven and Hell were familiar with their lives on earth. It had long been rumored “some off-spec heathen souls” existed somewhere on earth but no one in Heaven, Hell, Limbo, or Purgatory wanted to accept eternal responsibility for them. A leading authority on sinners; Lucifer sensed there was something unusual about them. The Angels were stunned when Hell LLC refused to accept them and immediately demanded it fulfill its contract with God Incorporated. They were quick to point out; the only reason God created Hell in the first place was to punish sinners and aware no one in Hell could be trusted; he was careful to seal the deal with an iron bound contract.
Unfortunately, Heaven underestimated the infinite number of lying; thieving snake wiggling attorneys sent to Hell and it wasn’t long before they found a loophole in the fine print. After consultation with legions of condemned lawmakers and judges; they advised the “Prince of Darkness” on his best course of action. As a result, Lucifer informed the Lord he was taking a pass and suggested he could, “stick his off-spec souls where the halos don't shine!” He proclaimed, “If necessary, I’ll take our contract, including the off-spec soul addendum all the way to the Telestial Court.'' Unfortunately, the “Evil Prince” was true to his word and when final judgment was reached it really hit the fan; Heaven was no longer pure white.
Now I seriously doubt you’re the least bit holy but you were created with free will. Somehow, someway, you stumbled upon this carefully concealed secret; by default, you now become one of the chosen few. Naturally you can read it but before you do I suggest you consider the following: Heaven and Hell were embarrassed by the affair and still consider this parable extremely offensive. Once you turn the page; no one in Heaven or Hell for that matter is going to watch over you. So, bless yourself and get a grip on your soul; here is the amazing story of God’s “Impossible Apostles”. A bewildering parable, intentionally excluded from bible class and your Sunday sermon; a parable like none other.
Trouble in Paradise
Turn away from your mistaken thinking, because the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. Matthew 4:17
And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Matthew 13:42
They were in the winter of their years; all of them could fart dust and most of them had already purchased his first box of adult diapers. Larry couldn’t get a hard-on if he froze it and afflicted with varicose veins Mickey would probably bleed to death before he could climax. Suffering from a stomach disorder, Rob sounded like a walking duck call and it was not unusual to discover Gregg confused in the men’s room. After decades of abuse their bodies had given up on late night binges a long time ago. Nonetheless a lifetime of bad habits is hard to break. Perched on bar stools they drank heavily, wasting what time they had left reliving old times.
Leaving the bar early and dancing the bourbon shuffle, they headed straight for Rob’s Lexus. Bartenders constantly warned them about drunk driving. Unfortunately, heeding good advice offered by caring friends was never in their DNA. They were old school but still macho enough to crush soft aluminum cans. Uber? What the hell is an Uber? Even the name sounded funny and none of them would be caught dead riding in one.
No one was laughing later that night when their number came up and they perished in a horrific car crash.
Heathen bible notes, designated in verse blocks, appear throughout this parable to assist the non-believers.For example, let's review God’s manual for death.
During creation all standard model mortals are equipped with a soul, designated demon and guardian Angel. When a mortal dies its soul, after exiting through the navel (inee’s or outee’s both work), must follow Heaven’s protocol for the dead. First the guardian Angel and soul complete a “confirmation of death” checklist. Then the Angel transmits, via prayer phone, the list along with the soul’s SKU number and a request for transport to Heaven’s “final judgment center." The “pink copy” (reserved for the Prince of Evil) is delivered to Hell by the designated demon. Hopefully you found this helpful. By the way, it is rumored within some prayer circles; Saint Peter recently retired and Heaven has upgraded to computer operated gates. Research found no bible reference but did issue the following caution, “Be advised Heaven’s gates are now equipped with key pads interfaced to the new “Paradise App”. To open the pearly gates; you must first enter a valid User ID and Password. Naturally all directions are in Latin.”That’s how it always worked in the past but not this time. A state trooper, the first to arrive on scene, was surprised to find seven dead in one vehicle. Naturally along with the trooper came “his” guardian Angel and designated demon. When the trooper’s Angel caught sight of seven souls abandoned curbside, he opened a prayer channel to Heaven’s “receiving/final judgment center”. Annoyed and confused, he began to chastise them for failing to do their job, but Heaven’s curt response almost caused him to soil his feathers. He was stunned to learn that the final judgment processing center never received a confirmation of death checklist from his location. Heaven reported it had no record the souls “he claimed to see” were ever created. Hearing that really put his halo into a twist and he issued an emergency F.A.R.R. promising the required documentation would follow.
FARR is slang for First Angel Responder Request. Heaven immediately processed his request because unlike mortals; Angels cannot lie. WITH is demon shorthand for What in The Hell?Bear in mind, Hell trains its designated demons the same way Heaven trains guardian Angels. Taking it all in, the State Trooper’s designated demon completed a W.I.T.H. Suspicious Activity Report; then stuffed it into an envelope addressed: Attention Director of Designated Demons. Later that night at another fatal crash; his report was included with their paperwork and returned to Hell.
When Heaven received a FARR to transport seven souls from one location; they canceled the “judgment limo” and dispatched a special-ed bus from the natural disaster fleet. After arriving at the judgment center the guys hopped off the bus; surprised to learn Heaven was already aware of their “unholy” lives on earth.
New Testament, book of John, chapter 10, verse 1:42: Therefore, Jesus said again, “I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate, whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out and find pasture.” According to Catholic teaching, Jesus promised the keys to Heaven to Saint Peter empowering him to take binding actions.Saint Peter caught sight of them getting off the bus. Surprised and cringing, he made a quick pivot down the hallway toward the “big guys” office. The saints working the receiving desk were stunned by one “Hell of an argument” taking place in Heaven’s waiting room. Mickey was shaking Rob screaming, “I told you to slow down you dopey bastard!”
Rob told him, “I did slow down; I had to slow down because I needed both hands to get my bag of pretzels open.”
Mickey pulled him closer and asked, “Are you telling me you let go of the wheel to open a bag of pretzels!?”
Jerking Mickey’s hands away, Rob replied, “I like pretzels.”
Wild eyed Mickey turned toward the guys, “Let’s wring his neck!”
Pip answered, “I’d be happy to help you kill him but we’re already dead, remember?”
Hearing Pip, Rob wondered out loud, “What about my unemployment checks? Who’s going to make the payments on my Lexus!?”
Putting down his Saints and sinner’s magazine Luke murmured, “Damn when they find out I’m dead they’ll stop my food stamps, freeze my welfare, unemployment, disability, IRA, 401K, compensation and pension deposits!”
Satisfied he heard enough; the Angel hurried down the hall searching for Saint Peter. After a courtesy knock, he slowly opened the door marked “Supreme Being” and looking at Saint Peter suggested, “You may want to see this.” Saint Peter sighed, “Take care of it; I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Jogging up the hall the Angel then heard what sounded like taunting; arriving back at the center he asked, “What now?”
Saint Patrick shared his thoughts, “I’ve been working in final judgment since the beginning of time. Over the eons I have processed endless types of creations but not even one of them ever started a “free-for-all”. Trust me; these souls are very different!”
Still curious, the Angel asked, “Different, they’re dead for God’s sake! What is there to fight about?”
Saint John whispered, “Best I can tell; they’re arguing about final wills and funeral arrangements.”
Rob loudly informed the others, “Since I was in the Navy I’ll be buried at sea; compared to you losers my funeral service will be classy and dignified.”
“Is that so”, scoffed Gregg. Grinning at Rob he replied, “Tell me; how is getting drop-kicked out of a leaky dinghy and turning into a pile of crab shit dignified?”
Mickey chimed in, “If you fools were smart; you would have planned for your death. My wife and I are; I mean were big into global warming and supported the green earth movement. We decided on “natural interment” beneath a beautiful tree overlooking some peaceful valley.”
Hearing that Pip laughingly replied, “Let me know how peaceful it is when the bears dig down, rip open your cardboard coffin and start gnawing on your ass!”
Once the laughing stopped it was Luke’s turn, “My living will specify cremation which is the best option.”
Bent over snorting Dip remarked, “Don’t you have any idea what happens to your ashes? They put them in a jar and hand it to your wife. Come this winter, she’ll sprinkle you on the front steps to make sure her new lover doesn’t slip and hurt himself!”
Finally, it was Dip’s turn, he explained, “You’re only “pronounced” twice in life. After taking an oath until death do us part; I was “pronounced man and wife”. Tonight hearing the doctor “pronounce me dead” was a life changing experience. Err…well no, maybe not life changing but you know what I mean. Things changed; I fulfilled my oath and became single again. Whatever my widow does with her bodily remains is her business. Me, I’m heading for a cemetery across town. I will not spend eternity, buried deep, looking up at her ass in my face.” As usual Dip left everyone speechless; including all the Saints and Angels.
New Testament, first epistle to the Corinthians, verse 6:9-10: Be not deceived: neither fornicator, idolaters, adulterers, effeminate, abusers of themselves with mankind, thieves, covetous, drunkards, revilers and extortioners shall inherit the kingdom of God.Meanwhile, down the hall Jesus was complaining to Saint Peter, “I commanded you; never let those souls reach judgment! You let them all slip by! How could this happen!? If my father finds out, we’re both going to feel his wrath.”
Squirming Saint Peter answered, “It all happened too fast; there was no way I could have known they would die together. I prayed, pleaded and begged; don’t let them down on earth! But no, you had to be a “kind and benevolent” Lord. Besides, they couldn’t remain on earth forever. All your other creations thought it was a miracle they were still breathing. No one can explain how that bunch of Olympian sinners made it to ninety years old. Even the Angels consider them a big pain in their rectrices tail feathers.”
Jesus replied, “Damn it, I’m the Supreme Being there’s no way this can get out; especially since there are seven of them! Nasty will have a field day if he finds out. Wait a minute, I’ll summon Nasty and drop this mess in his lap.”
Nasty is Satan’s nickname. His real name is Samael L. Beelzebub. (The letter L. stands for Lucifer.) He was the Angel of death who came to take the soul of Moses. Based on the book of Isaiah, some Christians believe he was once a beautiful Angel named Lucifer who defied God and fell from grace. “Old Testament, prophecy of Daniel, third section of Jewish cantor, verse 10:13 Michael acted as the advocate of Israel and sometimes had to fight with the princes of other nations, particularly Samael.”In a puff of smoke and hint of sulfur Nasty appeared on the couch. Looking at the Lord he said, “What’s up J. C.? Comfy couch, does it recline?” The Lord replied, “Knock it off Nasty; I’ll cut right to the chase. There are seven souls in my judgment room; none of them belong there. Obviously, you dropped the ball by letting them slip by; I command you to function and remove them.”
Not so fast Nasty replied, “There’s a rumor going around that you were breaking in a new pair of “high top” golden sandals, tripped on that long white robe of yours and went “ass over tea kettle” into a massive storm cloud. Embarrassed and struggling to get out; it’s rumored you started a huge firestorm laced with brimstone. Some of the gate polishers and cloud cleaners told me; while you were boxing with lightning bolts some souls crawled out of the cloud. Is that true?”
Jesus knew he was skunked. After all it was impossible for him to lie about anything, never, period. Nasty twirling his tail smiled and said, “Now tell the truth, are you still infallible?”
Staring down at him our Lord spoke, “Remember who you’re talking to; as ordained by my Father all men are created in my image. Now pull your horns out of your tail end and collect those souls!”
Nasty stood up and with a smirk asked, “Did you create some off-spec souls? C’mon now be honest; did you make a “baaaad” mistake?”
Jesus thundered, “I created them and they’re part of my infinite universe which by the way is something else I created and just in case you forgot; I created you too! You know my handiwork; no two souls are identical. Just because a soul is different does not make it imperfect.”
Nasty walked across the office and stood in front of the solid gold desk. He remarked, “Hell is crammed full of politicians but when it comes to dodging questions you two top them all. You must be hiding something; I’m betting those souls are damaged goods. Not for nothing JC; we shook hands on that clause. A soul rejected by quality control or found to be out of specification is not covered by our contract. However, since I’m such a swell guy I’m willing to negotiate. By the way, does this couch recline?”
The office went quiet. So quiet, they could hear souls squabbling through the office door; “heavenly peace” was quickly becoming outdated. Larry was hollering at Saint Joseph, “We got here first, why process all those other souls ahead of us? If I knew how you ran this dump; I would have enjoyed life on earth and sinned my ass off.”
In the background, 2023NewCareer#Mickey was heard telling Dip, “You are one ugly corpse. At least put one ear back on!” Starting to realize the finality of his death, Dip was in no mood and punched Mickey, yelling, “If I want any more shit out of you; I’ll squeeze your head!”
New Testament, book of Matthew, verse 5.5: Before they can inherit the earth, the meek, just like the rest of us, have to face final judgment.At this point another bus loaded with “the meek” arrived. After lining up in a polite way; they entered the final/judgment room. Finding themselves trapped in an argument between seven irate souls; they became terrified and began to wail, weep and pray which is what the “meek” do. Before long there was another knock on the office door; Saint Peter hollered, “Enter!”
The Angel previously sent to the judgment room cracked the door open and, careful not to bend his halo, stuck his head in. Looking at Saint Peter he said, “We need you upfront all Hell's breaking loose!” Pete excused himself and headed up the hallway.
Jesus told Nasty, “You can go I’ve heard enough; they’re all going to Limbo for eternity.”
On his way out Nasty remarked, “Well, you are the Supreme Being and can do whatever, whenever and however you want. Still, some of your creations are going to be confused.”
Jesus stared at him then growled, “Be careful you’re very close to turning into nothingness!”
Uneasy with fear Nasty explained, “Not for nothing, I’m just saying that you never change your rules, not a single commandment, prophecy or teaching. Don’t you remember? Pope Benedict XVI the Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ and Successor of the Prince of the Apostles closed Limbo in 2007. I think he auctioned it off to the Chinese.”
Jesus snapped, “Listen Nasty, those souls are not entering Heaven! Since you won’t take them and Limbo is out; I’ll condemn them to Purgatory for all eternity.”
“Got it your call, '' replied Nasty. Like I said you can do whatever, whenever and however you want. Still…”
The Lord started to form the word banished but Nasty blurted out, “Don’t you remember? Thanks to you; Purgatory is segregated. Membership is restricted to only those souls guilty of seven specific sins: pride, lust, envy, anger, greed, gluttony and sloth. It's a safe bet at least one-off spec soul never committed any of them.” Cautiously he continued, “Banish me if you must but I have legions of lying, thieving attorneys and they’ll jump at a chance to drag Heaven into Court. Don’t forget those two “hall of fame sinners” that you sent down on a rocket; the little German guy with the weird mustache and his Russian pal, a real nut job! If necessary, they’ll argue my case all the way to the Telestial Court.”
New Testament, second epistle to the Corinthians, verse12:2: There are three levels of Heaven: celestial, terrestrial and telestial. All people will be resurrected and at the final judgment assigned to one of three degrees of glory called the celestial, terrestrial and telestial kingdoms.Sorry but according to our research department Heaven just like Purgatory is segregated. The BS never ends; go figure.Having heard enough, Jesus told Nasty, “I know every soul in Hell because I put them there; including lawyers, fuhrers, dictators, fallen Angels and…you. In a flash of light Nasty was banished back to the nether regions. Then Jesus summoned Saint. Peter, “Bring those seven souls before me for judgment.”
New Testament, book of John, Chapter 3, verse 3:16: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.New Testament, gospel of Matthew, Chapter 3, verse 23:33: You serpents, you brood of vipers, how are you to escape being sentenced to hell?
