Jumpers for Goalposts E-Book

Tom Wells

• Herausgeber: Nick Hern Books
• Kategorie: Poesie und Drama
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2013

Beschreibung

A hilarious and heart-warming comedy about football, friendship and finding your way. Luke wants Danny, but Danny's got a secret. Joe's happy in goal, but Geoff wants a headline gig. Viv just wants to beat the lesbians to the league title. Game on. Tom Wells' play Jumpers for Goalposts premiered at Watford Palace Theatre in 2013, before touring the UK, including a run at the Bush Theatre, London. This volume also includes Tom Wells' short play Jonesy, the underdog story of an asthmatic teen who dreams of making a name for himself as a 'Netball Maverick' and earning the respect of the lads from GCSE PE.

Leseprobe

Tom Wells

JUMPERS FOR GOALPOSTS

NICK HERN BOOKSLondonwww.nickhernbooks.co.uk

Contents

Title Page

Original Production

Characters

Jumpers for Goalposts

Jonesy

About the Author

Copyright and Performing Rights Information

Jumpers for Goalposts was first performed on 5 April 2013 at Watford Palace Theatre, in a co-production between Paines Plough, Watford Palace Theatre and Hull Truck Theatre. The cast was as follows:

LUKE

Philip Duguid-McQuillan

VIV

Vivienne Gibbs

GEOFF

Andy Rush

DANNY

Jamie Samuel

JOE

Matt Sutton

ANNOUNCER

James Alexander Gordon

Director

James Grieve

Designer

Lucy Osborne

Lighting Designer

Charles Balfour

Sound Designer

Nick Manning

Assistant Director

Mark Maughan

Dialect Coach

Daniele Lydon

Characters

VIV, thirty-sevenJOE, thirty-nineBEARDY GEOFF, twenty-fiveDANNY, twenty-twoLUKE, nineteen

Week One

VOICE ON RADIO.Man City, 2 – Tranny United, 1. Lesbian Rovers, 5 – Barely Athletic, 0.

A changing room in Hull. A bit scruffy. Benches and graffiti. A bin. Some narrow windows high up on the back wall.

Showers are through a doorway, offstage.

JOE,DANNYandLUKEare sitting down, looking a bit knackered.VIVis fuming.

Throughout the scene, everyone apart fromLUKEgets changed out of kit, into clothes.LUKEjust puts more clothes on.

GEOFFmoonwalks on.

VIVglares.GEOFFstops.

VIV. You haven’t earned that moonwalk, Beardy, and, deep down, I think you know it.

JOE. Bit harsh, Viv.

VIV. Oh is it? Very good.

JOE. He did score.

VIV. For the wrong team, Joe. The wrong fucking –

GEOFF. Still a goal.

VIV. Yes, a goal that plunged us from a respectable four-nil defeat where people go ‘never mind, Viv, we all have an off-day’, to a humiliating five-nil defeat where people actually take you to one side and go: ‘Viv, have you considered badminton?’

DANNY. Have you considered badminton?

VIV. Shameful. It is.

But that, that right, that is just a drop in the ocean of of of, incompetence on display by you lot today. All of you. Including me.

VIVrummages in her bag for a notepad.

I’ve made notes.

VIVpicks up a football.

Right, Luke. What’s this?

VIVpoints at the football.

LUKE. Sorry?

VIV. This. What is it?

LUKE. Um. Football?

VIVgives him the football.

VIV. I’ll let that sink in.

LUKElooks at the football.

DANNY. Viv.

LUKE. No it’s. Good isn’t it? Start with the, the basics.

VIV. Joe love. I know your life’s a steaming pile of shit at the moment, properly shit and it will be for, for a while and, this probably isn’t your top priority but, thing is: you do need to work on your fitness. We’ll go jogging. We’ll start tomorrow.

JOE. Maybe.

VIV. Good. Two things, Danny: one: you’re always playing football, I remember you being really good at it. You’re not, you’re shit. What’s happened? Two: thought you’re doing a course. Coaching and that.

DANNY. I am.

VIV. Where’s the fucking, coaching then? Guidance.

DANNY. Just think there’s a, a time and a –

VIV. The time is now. No point getting all your qualifications and that, bits of paper then standing there like a fucking, ornament. Garden gnome. You’re an athlete, Danny. Behave like one.

DANNY. I did say I was shit in goal.

VIV. Not that shit.

Right. Beardy.

GEOFF. Here we go.

VIV. The fuck is that on your head?

GEOFF. It’s a hat, Viv.

VIV. Don’t think it belongs on a football pitch really, do you?

GEOFF. My lucky hat.

VIV. Not that lucky.

GEOFF. I did score.

VIV. For the wrong team.

GEOFF. Alright, no need to. I just. My sort of, isn’t it? My thing.

VIV. Rest of us manage without a thing.

GEOFF. Rest of us manage without a bra, Viv. Not saying you should.

VIV. My bra’s not dangerous. That –

GEOFF. It’s wool.

VIV. Saw them, Geoff. Saw them yanking your tassels.

GEOFF. Only flirting.

VIV. Not flirting that’s bloody, garotting.

GEOFF. Don’t see why you’re so fussed.

VIV. Cos it looks like you’re not taking it seriously. The team.

GEOFF. I’m not taking it seriously.

JOE. Geoff.

GEOFF. Well, I’m not. Meant to be a laugh isn’t it? I thought? Sort of, comedy team names – we’re called Barely Athletic – nothing too, just, banter, jumpers for, for goalposts. Six weeks, four teams, play each other twice. Sunday afternoon fun. Suddenly we’re on this proper pitch you’re all… No shame in losing to the lesbians, Viv. They’re really good. Probably win the league. Won’t make a scrap of difference, this. And anyway, always wear it. Bath. In bed. Work. Tell her, Joe.

LUKE. Where d’you work, Geoff?

GEOFF. Oh. D’you know Marks and Spencer’s?

LUKEnods.

Just in the doorway. Of Marks and Spencer’s.

DANNY. Geoff’s a busker.

VIV. He’s a twat.

GEOFF. At the moment, busker. Eventually though, I’m thinking: gay icon. Long as I’ve got this.

VIVhuffs.

Look if you really want to bring everyone down, get all heavy and that, whatever – covers my scar up. Sick of everyone going on about it. (ToLUKE.) I got gay-bashed. Got a scar. Thought: keep this on. Till I’m mended.

LUKE. Sorry, Geoff.

GEOFF. Nah it’s. Don’t let it get me down. If anything it’s spurred me on, career-wise.

VIV. Where next –a bigger doorway?

GEOFF. The main stage. At Hull Pride.

VIV. What you on about?

GEOFF. They’re auditioning people, sort ofX Factor-y, for Hull Pride. You just, you sing a song, whoever’s best gets a slot, main stage, in front of, you know: everyone. Everyone in Hull. Reckon, I can win that, suddenly I’m getting, the bookings are flooding in – pubs, weddings, care homes, the lot. Just need to find the right song. Also: keep my hat on. So it’s not negotiable.

Was there anything else football-wise?

VIVsighs.

VIV. Maybe just, try and score for us next week.

GEOFF. Do my best.

JOE. What about you, Viv?

VIV. I’ll try an’ all.

JOE. No I mean, your notes?

VIV (reads). ‘Bollock everyone.’

Job done.

DANNY. We’re really not that bad.

VIV. Wouldn’t’ve even had a team if Luke hadn’t turned up.

GEOFF. Yeah cheers, Luke.

JOE. Nice one.

LUKE. No it was, Danny brought the poster in, to the library.

VIV. What you on about, poster?

GEOFF (smiling). Yeah, Danny. Tell us more about this poster.

DANNY. Just did some posters. For the team.

GEOFF. How many posters?

DANNY. Geoff, shut up.

VIV. News to me.

DANNY. Thought: recruitment drive.

LUKE. And I was, I work there, Danny said could he put this poster up on the, we’ve got like this noticeboard, for the community, the community noticeboard. And I said yeah. Saw what it was for, just thought: go for it.

VIV. Well, thank fuck you did, love. Frankly. Didn’t see that much evidence of you going for it but –

JOE. Viv.

LUKE. No it’s, I get it. Could do better.

VIV. The thing you need to remember, all of you: you’re out there, we’re out there, representing my pub, alright? My pub. Wanted to do two things last year: one: carry the Olympic torch through the streets of Hull; two: win Pub of the Year. Did I manage either? Did I fuck. Not asking for much this year but I don’t think winning a few football matches is beyond us.

JOE. Five weeks to go, Viv. It’s not over yet.

VIV. I bought the fucking trophy.