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- Herausgeber: MARINE PUBLISHING
- Kategorie: Lebensstil
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2016
For adults we have the adult jokes section, the dirty jokes, and the Yo Mama jokes categories.
Of course the classic celebrity characters, like Chuck Norris, Bill Clinton, Al Bundy and Barney Stinson, are all in there too.
To tease your friends or your foes, we recommend the professional categories. Whether they're a civil servant, a farmer, a graduate, a student, a doctor, a lawyer, a politician, a broker, a footballer or a schoolboy, we have just the thing.
The classical knock knock jokes and light bulb jokes are also included. A separated clean jokes section is available.
Das E-Book können Sie in Legimi-Apps oder einer beliebigen App lesen, die das folgende Format unterstützen:
Seitenzahl: 106
Jeo King
LATEST JOKES JOKE BANK
Table of contents
joke bank - Latest Jokes
joke bank - Latest Jokes
joke bank - Latest Jokes
One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied. "Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said."Religion?" he asked the second man."Muslim.""Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8.""Religion?" he asked the third man."Agnostic.""Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8.""Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing.
Q: Can February march? A: No, but April may.
Yo momma's so fat, she played the role of the boulder in the first Indiana Jones movie.
I'm not calling you a slut, I'm calling you a penny: two faced, worthless, and in everyone's pants.
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have? A: Big hands.
Q: Why didn't the sailors play cards? A: Because the captain was on the deck.
Q: What do cats eat for breakfast? A: Mice Krispies.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Q: What starts with F and ends with U-C-K? A: Firetruck.
A little boy walks into his parents' room while they're having sex. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" The mother explains, "Your daddy was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out." The boy says, "That's funny. Every time you leave for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."
A blonde approaches a stranger and asks what time it is. The stranger says, "11:45." The blonde says, "Really? That's so weird. Every time I ask that question, I get a different answer."
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
Q: What did the beaver say to the tree? A: "It's been nice gnawing you!"
A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies? A: Because two Wongs don't make a white.
Q: What do you call a baptized Mexican? A: Bean dip.
Yo mama so ugly even aliens won't probe her.
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?" Student: "A drinking problem."
Blonde 1: "What does WTF mean?" Blonde 2: "What the fuck?" Blonde 1: "Geeze, I'm just asking."
joke bank - Latest Jokes
At twenty we worry about what others think of us.
At forty we don't care about what others think of us.
At sixty we discover they haven't been thinking about us at all.
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea."Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked."Actually, yes, I do.""Does it hurt you?" he asked."No. I rather like it.""Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."The woman was mystified."What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?""Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?"
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedicsrushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heartbypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holdinga clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he wasgoing to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the PRomised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
Folks, we're screwed...
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Bob has been missing since Friday.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...
walk into a very fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group... "You can't come in here without a Thai. "
A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.
So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound loss program. "Are you sure," asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program..." "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this great in years!"
The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you!"
This analogy makes perfect sense!
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE INEVITABLE CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your fixation on balls become.
Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Ottawa (and Washington) obsessed with playing marbles!
