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- Herausgeber: John Wiley & Sons
- Kategorie: Fachliteratur
- Sprache: Englisch
- Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2013
Be calm, collected and in the moment Too often, life just races by. You don't fully experience what's happening now, because you're too busy thinking about what needs doing tomorrow, or distracted by what happened yesterday. And all the time your mind is chattering with commentary or judgement. Mindfulness allows you to experience the moment instead of just rushing through it. Being mindful opens you up to new ideas and new ways of doing things, reducing stress and increasing your enjoyment of life. With ideas, tips and techniques to help you enjoy a more mindful approach to life, you'll learn how to: * Adopt more positive ways of thinking and behaving * Become calmer and more confident * Break free from unhelpful thoughts and thinking patterns * Bring about positive changes in your relationships * Achieve a new level of self-awareness and understanding Life is happening right now; Mindfulness will help you live in the moment, so it doesn't pass you by!
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Table of Contents
Title page
Copyright page
Dedication
Introduction
Why mindfulness is so relevant to our lives now
About this book
How Mindful Are You?
PART ONE: Understanding Mindfulness
1: Why be Mindful?
2: Moving Towards Mindful Thinking
Mind traps
Change your mind
Change your thinking
3: Mindful Thinking and Feeling
Identify your feelings
Accepting your emotions
Tune in to your intuition
Mindful listening
4: Mindful Doing
More about breathing
Extending your awareness and acceptance
Everyday activities
Slow down; one thing at a time
Flow
Gratitude
Moving on
PART TWO: Putting It into Practice
5: Managing Painful Emotions: Anger, Worry and Anxiety, Guilt
Manage anger
Managing anger in other people
Manage worry and anxiety
Focus on what's happening right now
Managing guilt
In a nutshell
6: Mindfulness for Self-Esteem: Confidence, Self-Esteem and Loneliness
Mindful confidence
Banish negative self-talk
Mindfulness to manage loneliness
Learning to be alone
In a nutshell
7: Mindful Motivation: Goals and Willpower
Mindful goals
Mindful willpower
Simple activities that require small amounts of willpower
Willpower to help you resist
In a nutshell
8: Mindfulness with Others: Listening, Managing Criticism, Forgiving, Persuading and Motivating
Mindful listening
Managing criticism
Mindful forgiveness
Mindfulness to persuade others
In a nutshell
9: Mindfulness at Work: Interviews, Meetings and Presentations
Mindfulness for interviews
Using mindfulness to give stronger presentations
Make meetings matter with mindfulness
In a nutshell
Conclusion
References
About the Author
Acknowledgements
Index
Cover design: Binary and the Brain
© 2013 Gill Hasson
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
To Follow
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN 978-0-857-08444-6 (paperback) ISBN 978-0-857-08443-9 (ebk)
ISBN 978-0-857-08442-2 (ebk) ISBN 978-0-857-08441-5 (ebk)
For my Dad who died while I was writing this book.He always knew that the present moment is life itself.
Introduction
Recently, I listened to a palliative care nurse talking about her work with terminally ill patients. She explained that a key aspect of her work was to help provide a sense of “now” for the dying; to enable people to make the most of their time; to live their life with purpose, dignity and support; to make the most of the present, rather than getting too caught up in regrets for the past or fears for the future.
Her work is clearly meaningful and valuable. But listening to this nurse, it made me wonder why so many people might wait till they're dying to learn how to make “now” such an important part of their life.
From the moment we're born, now is always what we have. There is never a time when our lives are not now, in this moment. The present moment is, in fact, life itself!
Life unfolds in the present.
As George Harrison once said: “It's being here now that's important. There's no past and there's no future … all there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one.”
How can you make the most of “now”? By learning to be mindful.
You may think that being mindful requires an ability to completely clear your mind and go off into an altered state in an attempt to get to a better place. Not so; mindfulness does not involve complex meditation routines. Mindfulness is not about having an empty mind or suppressing thoughts and feelings. Nor does it require years of practice, sitting in the lotus position in a flowing white robe on a beautiful beach.
There are two ways of practising mindfulness; the formal way and the informal way.
Formal mindfulness is probably better known as meditation; it involves following established practices; taking time out of your day to be still and silent, to focus on your breath, to be aware of sounds, senses, thoughts and feelings.
Informal mindfulness requires no conventions. It simply means bringing mindful awareness to everyday life; to daily activities such as eating, walking, driving and housework. Informal mindfulness is also part of your interactions with other people; at work, at home and in your social life.
This book is concerned with informal mindfulness – it is about mindfulness outside of meditation.
Your mind is able to think back and reflect on past events and experiences. Your mind can also think about the future; it can plan ahead.
Of course, your mind can wander to good things; you can remember good times and anticipate forthcoming events. But this ability to think back to the past and forward to the future is not always an unmitigated blessing.
Too often, life is racing by. There's no time to experience what's happening now, because you're busy thinking about what needs doing tomorrow or you're distracted by thoughts about what did or didn't happen yesterday. And all the time your mind is chattering with commentary or judgement.
Other times you can get stuck in the past, going back over and over events or becoming paralyzed by worries about the future.
Why mindfulness is so relevant to our lives now
At its most extreme, worrying about the future can lead to anxiety disorders. Dwelling on the past can lead to depression.
Research1 shows that the number of people in England who experience depression and anxiety has slowly but steadily risen in the last 20 years.
In 1993, depression with anxiety was experienced by 7.5% of the population, rising to 9.7% in 2007. Generalized anxiety disorder was experienced by 4.45% of the population in 1993 rising to 4.7% in 2007.
Feeling overwhelmed by the past or the future takes us away from living in the now, in the present. Too often, we let the present slip away. It's easy to waste “now” time, missing what is happening in the only moment that really exists.
When you're at work, for example, you're thinking about being on holiday; on holiday, you're worrying about the work piling up on your desk.
Nowadays, to make matters worse, you can take your phone and computer on holiday with you so that wherever you go, you are never actually there! Computers, smart phones, MP3 players; there are plenty of ways that modern technology can make you lose touch with what is happening and where you are right now.
Mindfulness enables you to experience and appreciate your life instead of rushing through it, constantly trying to be somewhere else.
“Mindfulness is the ultimate mobile device; you can use it anywhere, anytime, unobtrusively.”
Sharon Salzberg
Mindfulness is a way of living your life so that you are in the present moment more often. It involves bringing your awareness back from the future or the past and into the present moment. You are not trying to get to a better place or to become a better person – you are already there.
Mindfulness is living in the moment, not living for the moment.
When you are living for the moment, there are no potential consequences. You do something that makes you feel good right now, in this moment. But often, it's a surprise to find out that there are consequences to pay!
When you are living in the moment, you know that this moment leads to the next one; that life is a series of connected moments. You make conscious decisions – based on your beliefs and values – and you take responsibility for your choices.
About this book
This book is in two parts: Part One helps you to understand mindfulness; what it involves and how you can learn to be more mindful.
We start by asking “How Mindful Are You?” to get you thinking about where your mind is at in a variety of situations.
In Chapter 1 you will discover the benefits of mindfulness – how mindfulness can have a positive effect in different areas of your life. Chapter 2 will help you to understand how and why you might slip into being mindless instead of mindful. You will learn ways to change how you think and you'll discover that simply being aware of how you use your mind is being mindful.
You'll be encouraged to open yourself to new ideas and ways of doing things; to let go of unhelpful ways of thinking and establish more helpful, mindful ways of thinking.
You will find out that you can change the way you think.
But whatever it is that you think, your thoughts come with emotions and feelings attached to them. In fact, thoughts and feelings are inextricably linked. Chapter 3 focuses on being more aware of your emotions in order to break free from unhelpful thoughts and thinking patterns.
So far, we have focused on thoughts and feelings.
So in Chapter 4 we turn to being mindful of what you do. You will see that mindfulness is most easily practised by turning everyday activities into opportunities for mindfulness. There are plenty of ideas, tips and techniques to help you apply mindfulness to the everyday activities of your life.
You'll be encouraged to bring your attention to a new level by slowing down whatever you're doing. You will see that you only have to spend a few minutes each day doing mindfully those activities that you usually hurry through. Everyday activities like washing up or brushing your teeth.
Each of these everyday activities gives you an opportunity to be mindful. These opportunities raise your awareness. Then, from practising these little awarenesses, you can develop a more whole experience of mindfulness itself.
It's all very optimistic and encouraging and that theme continues as we end Part 1 on a high note; you are urged to actively seek out the good things in life.
How is that mindful?
Because making an effort to notice the good things in life – the small pleasures and the people and things that make a positive difference to you – is, in itself, being mindful. You bring your awareness to how good you feel right now, in the present moment. Noticing what is good right now is living in the moment.
Having developed a clear understanding of what mindfulness is and how to be mindful, in Part 2, we turn to specific situations where being mindful can really help you.
You will learn how being mindful can help you to be less swept away by thoughts and behaviour that lead to stress, self-doubt, depression and anxiety. You will see how to apply mindfulness in your relationships with other people and you will learn how mindfulness techniques can help with your own personal development.
You'll notice that the same principles arise throughout – acknowledge and accept, focus and engage, let go and begin again etc. Each time you apply these principles, each time you approach a situation with mindfulness, you are learning how to relate more directly to your life.
“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
Mother Teresa
How Mindful Are You?
How often do you live mindfully, meeting each moment of life as it presents itself, with full awareness, without judging it? If you're like most people, often you are trying to do two or three things at once. And you probably do most things automatically, without noticing what you're doing.
Perhaps, for example, you've decided to make yourself some tea; as you wait for the kettle to boil you either start doing something else – reading the paper, washing up, making a phone call – or maybe you start thinking about a conversation you had yesterday or look in the fridge planning what to have for dinner tonight. Your mind is not on the tea – it's not on what's happening right now.
It's easy to get so caught up in your thoughts and feelings about the past or future that, without realizing it, you've disconnected from what is happening right now in front of you.
Ok, so missing the full tea experience is not that big a deal! There are, of course, times when being able to think of more than two things at once allows you to get a lot done quickly and efficiently.
The real difficulties arise, however, when your mind gets lost in stressful thoughts about the past and the future: replaying painful experiences from the past and imagining worst-case scenarios about the future. At its most extreme, being stuck in the past leads to depression and being trapped in the future leads to anxiety.
Or, it may be that what's happening right now is painful. In those circumstances, you may live in denial; avoiding painful feelings and situations that you can't accept or bear to live with.
All this rewinding back to the past and fast forwarding to the future is exhausting and rarely productive.
Which of these situations are familiar to you?
The more often you answer yes, the more areas of your life can benefit from mindfulness. Read on!
PART ONE
Understanding Mindfulness
1
Why be Mindful?
There's nothing mystical about mindfulness. To be mindful simply means to be aware and engage with what's happening right now. It's about being in the moment.
If you've ever become absorbed in a crossword puzzle or a board game, sung your heart out or “lost” yourself in a book or a film, a letter you were writing or work that you were doing – then you've experienced mindfulness; you've been totally in the moment.
Children are great role models for being in the moment. Watch a child as he plays; he's not thinking about what happened yesterday, or what he's going to do later today. He's simply absorbed in what he's drawing, making or pretending to be. When he's upset, he yells and cries – nothing else matters but what has upset him. He'll cry about it, and then let it go; the offending situation gone and forgotten.
Have you ever taken small children to the cinema? Everything is new and amazing. They stare at the bright lights in the foyer. They stare at everyone sitting around them. They move the seats up and down, gawp at the big screen and flinch when the music starts. They jump on to your lap when it gets scary and they laugh out loud when it's funny. They live each moment.
Even cats show us how to live in the moment! When I look at our cat Norman, I'm sure he's not thinking about the new brand of cat food he had for breakfast or worrying about what's for dinner. Norman simply lives from moment to moment.
You can become mindful at any moment. You can do it right now. Stop everything. Focus on what's happening. What can you hear? What can you smell? Look straight ahead; what do you see? What can you feel? What can you taste?
Don't give it any thought; you don't need to like or dislike, approve or disapprove of what's happening. You simply need to be aware of it.
Even if nothing is there, just be aware of your breathing; the sensation of the air as it enters your nose or mouth and fills your lungs, and as it goes out again.
Does all this seem a bit pointless? How can this non-doing approach be of any value? Let me explain.
The ability to think; to think back on past events and to think about the future – to plan ahead – is a feature that defines us as humans. As well as being capable of thinking about things that are happening, we can think about:
things that did and didn't happenthings that have happenedthings that might happenthings that may never happen at all.But thinking is not always an unmitigated blessing. Too often, your thoughts can trap you; trap you in the past and trap you in the future.
If you're ruminating about events and going back over them again and again then you're living in the past. You're trapped there. Other times, you can be fretting about what lies ahead; anxious and worried: you're trapped in the future. And all the time your mind is chattering with commentary or judgement.
What occurs as a result is that there's no time to experience what's happening right now, because you're distracted by what may happen tomorrow and next week or maybe you're too busy worrying about what you did or failed to do yesterday.
Even when nothing much is happening, something is happening. Typically for most of us, it is thinking. Thinking is happening. Rather than simply being aware of what's happening, we're thinking about what is – or is not – happening.
Thinking seems to be our default setting.
If you've ever tried to meditate, the first thing you will notice is that your mind has a life of its own. It just goes on and on: thinking, musing, fantasizing, planning, anticipating, worrying, liking, disliking, remembering, forgetting, evaluating, reacting and so on.
A recent study2 found that people spend half their waking hours thinking about something other than what they're actually doing, and this mind-wandering typically makes them unhappy.
The research, by psychologists Matthew A. Killingsworth and Daniel T. Gilbert of Harvard University, used an iPhone Web app to gather 250,000 data points on peoples' thoughts, feelings and actions as they went about their lives.
“A human mind is a wandering mind, and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind” Killingsworth and Gilbert write. “The ability to think about what is not happening is a cognitive achievement that comes at an emotional cost.”
They discovered that our minds are wandering about 46.9% of the time in any given activity, and the mind-wandering rate was at least 30% for all but one activity. The only activity that generally got people's undivided attention was having sex. (Really? Not sure that I believe that bit!)
The study discovered that people's feelings of happiness had much more to do with where their mind was than what they were doing.
People consistently reported being happiest when their minds were actually on what they were doing.
In his book, The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle suggests that your mind is a superb instrument if used correctly. Used incorrectly, however, it becomes destructive. “It is not so much that you use your mind wrongly – you usually don't use it at all. It uses you. This is the disease. You believe that you are your mind. This is the delusion. The instrument has taken you over.”
Certainly, your mind can wander to good things. You can remember good times and anticipate upcoming events. Mind-wandering becomes a problem though when you are ruing the past, or worrying about the future.
But, the past is gone and the future isn't here yet. What exists between past and future is the present moment.
So how can mindfulness help?
Mindfulness is a way to look after your mind. Your mind thinks all day and dreams at night. It's always busy and you expect it to just keep going. You cannot stop the mind from thinking, but if it's not given rest, it won't function well.
Mindfulness can give you a break from the endless chatter going on in your mind. It's a bit like the commentary that comes with a sports programme on the TV. Two things are happening: firstly, the game itself and secondly the endless commentary. Turn off the sound and you can experience the game in a more direct way rather than through the mind of another. In your own life, your thoughts are doing the commentary, interpreting your experience: how hard it is, how great it is, how unfair, how beautiful, how wrong, how boring and so on.
Too often, you can get swept away by a tidal wave of thoughts and feelings. This can be particularly powerful when you are faced with worries, pressures and responsibilities and wanting things to be different.
Being mindful; paying attention to what is happening in the present moment is a welcome relief from these stressful and habitual thought patterns.
Mindfulness keeps you grounded and centred – less pushed by what's going on around you. You are more able to stay focused and be calmly present in the midst of both pleasant and unpleasant experiences.
