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- Herausgeber: Books on Demand
- Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
- Sprache: Englisch
This is a story of how it all began and how did it affect on everything. Does it start from the cradle? Or does it start from the normal school-day when something outnormal was found on the back of the hand? Did it start some other day? Whether the day is anyway, truth is that there's no escape of the happenings caused by the ruptures on the vessel. In a world that demands people to be certain things, you find yourself being broken when you are unable to fulfill the frames that society has build for you.. "But what if you forgive yourself?", "How about if you give yourself a second chance?", Those were the questions that brought me back to life. This is a half-fictional story based on authors own life.
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Seitenzahl: 103
Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018
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To Everyone I promised to dedicate my first book.
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Why you should not read this book
Chapter 2: What is wrong with me?
Chapter 3: First Notice
Chapter 4: Family is The Best
Chapter 5: Alice
Chapter 6: School
Chapter 7: Friends make a Difference
Chapter 8: Am I Worthy of Anything?
Chapter 9: Never-ending Nightmares
Chapter 10: Home
Chapter 11: The Collapse and it's Aftermath
Chapter 12: Sick Workaholic
Chapter 13: Something Dark and Buried
Chapter 14: Mirror games
Chapter 15: Bite Me
Chapter 16: Pain. How much is Enough?
Chapter 17: Meds aren't cool
Chapter 18: My outer appearance
Chapter 19: Bloodlines are relatively fun to play with
Chapter 20: My Faith
Chapter 21: Playing Heroic
Chapter 22: It's me against all of You
Chapter 23: Body made of Blood and Bones
Chapter 24: Everyday Life
Chapter 25: You will be there
Chapter 26: Most asked questions
Chapter 27: Give back
Chapter 28: Art in different forms
Chapter 29: Back on work
Chapter 30: Paul's wedding
Chapter 31: Light-Headedness
Chapter 32: Typing fast
Chapter 33: Changes
Chapter 34: Check up
Chapter 35: I'm done
Chapter 36: Remote Yourself
Chapter 37: Back at the Library
Chapter 38: Darkness attracts Madness
Chapter 39: My Vessel
Chapter 1.
Why you should not read this book
Why – No really; Why am I writing this book? This is the question I asked from myself multiple times before even opening my laptop – Is it because I'm tired of explaining myself to everyone my path accrosses? – Yeah.. It could be one of the reasons I don't deny it, but the main reason was the fact that I have always wanted to become a writer; known author.
For the record; this was not the story I had in mind of telling to anyone – But after spending so many hours behind the screen creating fictional stories after another.. I just realized how stupid I had been. I didn't need to come up with good story. I was the good story by myself – At least I think so.
Still, I suggest you to put this book down immediately. There's no point of risking your precious mind to be confused and affected by me. I am not a regular guy. I'm like an onion; I have layers.. Some of the things I'm going to tell about myself might be disturbing – If you were looking for 'light reading'; this book might not be the best choice.
Chapter 2.
What is wrong with me?
Still here? Ok. Remember, that I warned you.. You are probably curious what is wrong with me. I am too. Doctors can't explain my conditions ( yes, conditions ) to me in English. All I know is that I'm seriously sick – In a good way, my doctor likes to add. What's good on being seriously sick, if you can't be cured? There's only endless suffering until the moment you no longer exist. It's not that all day everyday sucks, but.. Every day at some point.. Your life sucks.
I have something abnormal on – no; in – my body.. It makes me feel pain.. Non-stopping pain. There are these things under my skin, between the skin, flesh and bones. These things are spread from my neck to my toe; not that it started with that order.. It's like there would be an alien in me. 'Alien' has taken so much space from me, that it hurts for me to be in my own skin. No matter how many pain killers I'd consume I know the pain would come back because the alien isn't going to leave. That is why I don't eat heavy medication – Why would I ruin my organs like that? The alien makes me have to wear gear-like supports on my arms and legs. The alien makes me look like an alien.
The other part is.. I have disfunctional heart – I was born with it. Well.. it's not just the heart to be honest; my other condition is combination of failure between heart and brain.. People with this disease usually have the disfunction located either in the heart or brain only, but I happen to be in the 'lucky' elite group who has disfunctionality in both of them.
Sometimes my chest hurts really badly with no obvious reason, sometimes I'm just light-headed and can't think clearly.. But that's not all there is to it; I can collapse within a snap not even knowing that I'm doing so: There are no warning signs – No, I do not have epilepsy – . The collapses yet are the best part of the condition; they last only few seconds and I can't remember them. It's the aftermath of the collapse that I hate the most. After the collapse I'm even more messed up than a guy who you witnessed being on drugs or something like that – Yet it's just a condition caused by my heart/brain.
Some people acknowledge that I'm not another junkie next to the road when I have collapsed; Even my appearance could fit into that description too – Some people are kind enough to take second look and see that I'm actually having something else going on.. They see the light behind my eyes. I solemnly believe they see me asking for help – Thank you all for that.
Most people don't know that while on that stage.. I'm still in there – Trapped inside of myself. It's like real me would be watching really bad, broken TV-program without the ability to change the channel. My doctor didn't believe me at first being able to remember anything at all but I managed to convince him. It makes me unique. Most people – The whole 50 of them, I guess? – don't have the same ability. They just pass out and be out of reach for hours, end of that story. But I'm there and I'm seeing you.
I've lived with the heart problem my whole life.. I'm mostly fine with it. The other disease.. The one that makes it difficult to move and causes me feel pain 24/7.. That's the one I have problems with. Yet; The whole world seems to be more carried away with the heart issue. Trust me – I'm fine. Even there is no guaranteed way for me to maintain my consciousness; I am fine with it.
Chapter 3.
First Notice
I remember that day when I first noticed that there was truly something (more) wrong with my body. For weeks I only felt my body aching. I thought it was just growing pains; for when I had been six years old I had massive growing pains on my legs – So I simply dismissed the aching.
I was just coming back from the recess. I had been playing something with my friends and my right hand felt really sore. I noticed weird lump on it; On the back of my hand. Nowadays I wonder how I didn't notice it before. I showed it, the lump, to my classmate – Let' not tell real names here, alright? To be fair to everyone, OK? – Let's call the classmate.. Mark. First Mark thought the lump was the bone which you can easily see near the wrist. – Someone said that I should tell you the exact name of it, but being all-knowing isn't the way I want to narrate this story – But my lump was on the left side – The bone is one the right, check it yourself. I started to feel unease to myself. I showed the lump to my teacher who sent me to see the nurse, for she thought I had injured myself during the recess. Nurse didn't know what it was, she simply dismissed me. I went home on that day with my siblings and showed the lump to my mother.
I went to the doctor on next week (if I remember it right). Doctor was certain that he knew what it was. Then there were needles for some tests and stuff like that. Well I can tell you know that his assumption was terribly wrong and he did more harm than any good (Doc, if you are reading this I want to let you know that you are forgiven).
Life went on and the weird lump started to spread; creating more lumps. Also, I started to feel the pain grow along with them. Friends began to shun me – For the lumps are easily seen and they grossed people out. Or maybe I was just too much to handle – I wasn't the best company to be around with my constant collapses. Teenage and hormones.. They don't mix up that well with heart problems.
I transformed from a nice kid into something that reminds me of a ghost (I mean.. I can watch my old school photos and I can't find myself from them without help – I look transparent to myself). Every day was endless struggle to survive to the next one. Doctors stopped studying my other condition because my heart disease was so out of hands. I was left wailing my pain of my sore body without anyone caring of it.
Alone. I was left alone with it. I knew there was something wrong with me and the clock was ticking. I felt my body being mutilated by this evil force in me and I was unarmed against it and as much as I hate to admit it – It nearly beat me.
No one took me for real before I told people that the pain was driving me to lose my sanity. Everyone started to listen; My parents, my siblings, my teachers, doctors.. I reminded them about my dismissed notification I had made earlier. I reminded them that there still was no closure in it. I pointed the things they had forgotten to take care of for I needed to know what was wrong with me; I needed help.
Testing started again. People gave me promises of fixing me up. They praised me of how brave I had been for dealing this thing all by myself – Seriously? I had no choice! I'm not able to leave my body – If I could, I would. On the meantime I went to vocational school with big dreams of my future. Doctors gave me pretty pink (read: delusional) promises and all that assured me my plans were ok.. On the second year of vocational school my doctor wanted to meet me.
That day hunts me still. It's one of those moments I think I can't forget no matter how old I get. For some reason I even remember the smell of the office (it was lemon). ”We know what is wrong with you, but we can't cure you – We just don't know how to cure you”. I'd still like to know who the 'we' were. There was only one person in the room with me and my mom (I had begged her to stay in the corridor, but she insisted to come to the room to hear the news). That was it. I had this 'cool' condition that doctor said they knew very little about, but I could be a test subject on studying it – Sounds awesome doesn't it? – No it's not: Think about it. You're just doing someone else's homework.
I went through my vocational education with full knowledge that I wouldn't work on the field I had planned for myself. My body just wouldn't last on it. I started to get more collapses again. I think it was because of mild depression. After obtaining the profession I kept one year off. I just couldn't wrap my mind on anything. I thank God (if you have something against Him, that's your issue, for me He is someone who I can talk with without any fear), my family and my friends for helping me getting myself back together. I went to get my second profession. Now, I'm trying my hardest to get a job. It's hard, for people aren't keen on the idea of having someone like me on their payrolls.
