No More Meltdowns E-Book

Jed Baker

• Herausgeber: Future Horizons
• Kategorie: Ratgeber
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 201

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2012

Beschreibung

It could happen at the grocery store. At a restaurant. At school. At home. Meltdowns are stressful for both child and adult, but Dr. Baker can help! Author of the award-winning Social Skills Picture Book Series, Dr. Jed Baker offers parents and teachers strategies for preventing and managing meltdowns. His 20+ years of experience working with children on the autism spectrum, combined with his personal experiences raising his own children, have yielded time-tested strategies, and results! Dr. Baker offers an easy-to-follow, 4-step model that will improve your everyday relationships with the children in your life: 1) Managing your own emotions by adjusting your expectations, 2) Learning strategies to calm a meltdown in the moment, 3) Understanding why a meltdown occurs, and 4) Creating plans to prevent future meltdowns.

Leseprobe

Positive strategies for managing and preventing out-of-control behavior

NO MORE MELTDOWNS

JED BAKER, Ph.D

All marketing and publishing rights guaranteed to and reserved by:

721 W. Abram Street

Arlington, TX 76013

Toll-free: 800-489-0727

Phone: [phone]

Fax: [phone]

Website: www.FHautism.com

E-mail: [email protected]

All rights reserved.

© 2008

Printed in the United States of America

Cover and interior design © TLC Graphics, www.TLCGraphics.com

Cover: Tamara Dever; Interior: Erin Stark;

Illustrations: Sabrina Melo da Silva

No parts of this publication may be reproduced by any means without the express written permission of Future Horizons, Inc.

ISBN for E-book Version: 978-1-935274-27-8

ISBN for Print Version: 978-1-932565-62-1

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I am most grateful to my clients and my own children who, through their honesty and openness, have taught me all of the lessons described in this book.

In addition, several individuals offered their valuable suggestions to create the finished product. My long time friend, Steven Amsterdam, an accomplished writer himself, generously edited several renditions of the manuscript. My wife, a talented therapist and writer, reviewed the work whenever I asked and put up with my own meltdowns. Carol Kranowitz not only graciously agreed to write the foreword, but she also helped me come up with the title of the book one evening after we did a presentation together. In addition, Sabrina Melo da Silva, an incredibly talented illustrator, captured just the right look in the cartoons that complement each chapter.

My thanks must also go to Wayne Gilpin, president of Future Horizons, who took a chance to support me on a different kind of book. And last, but not least, Kelly Gilpin, who, under insane deadlines, had to turn the manuscript into a real book, with final edits, an awesome cover, and layout.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Foreword

Introduction

The Problem

Chapter 1

Meltdowns: When rewards and punishments are not enough

What is a meltdown?

The usual parenting advice: start with rules and consequences

The limits of discipline: when rewards and punishments no longer work

But aren’t meltdowns just manipulative behavior?

Can we really expect no more meltdowns?

An overview of the four-step model for reducing meltdowns

Chapter 2

What are meltdowns made of?

Fight, flight or freeze response

Temperament

Difficulties with abstract thinking and perspective taking

Inflexibility

An explosive combination

The Solution

Chapter 3

Accepting and appreciating our children

Controlling our own frustration

Building competence

Avoiding learned helplessness

The 80/20 rule

Anticipating frustration as part of learning

When to avoid power struggles

Chapter 4

De-escalating a meltdown

How to de-escalate a meltdown

Distractions

When too much distraction can make things worse

Helping children find their own distractions and calming strategies

Steps for creating self-calming strategies

Chapter 5

Understanding why repeat problems occur

Understanding the triggers

The ABCs of behavior: Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence

Getting the ABCs: Interviews and observations

Seeing the pattern

Chapter 6

Creating a prevention plan

The components of a good prevention plan

A prevention plan for Kevin

The four types of meltdown situations

Plans for the Four Types of Meltdown Situations

Chapter 7

Demands

Do your schoolwork

Try it, it’s delicious

Hurry up, the bus is coming

Clean up

Let’s go to the party

Chapter 8

Waiting

Just wait

You can’t always get what you want

Okay, time to stop playing

Chapter 9

Threats to self-image

Winning isn’t everything

It’s okay to make mistakes

But names will never hurt you

Chapter 10

Unmet wishes for attention

I can’t play with you now

Don’t be jealous

Time to go to bed

Chapter 11

Closing thoughts: Finding your own way

Prevention plan form

References

FOREWORD

by Carol Kranowitz, M.A.,

author of The Out-of-Sync Child

An ancient Greek myth tells the story of Sisyphus, a king who continually enrages, frustrates, and defies his family, his royal subjects, his guests, and his gods. Always he must push everyone around so he comes out on top. Never will he listen to reason, use good judgment, or obey the gods. His faulty behavior escalates until he pushes the gods beyond their patience, and they decide to teach him a lesson. The punishment is that for all eternity he must shove a huge boulder up a hill. With great effort, he can push the stone to the top where it hovers for a nanosecond and then, maddeningly, topples down to the bottom. Forever, he is doomed to chase after the boulder, put his shoulder to it, and push it up the hill again.

And again, and again.

In your home or classroom, do you know someone like this mythical king? Someone who frustrates or angers you with a contrary response to an ordinary demand (get out of bed, take just one bite of the carrot, keep your hands to yourself)? And does this person lack the skills to change his behavior? And do you try to cajole or reason with him, to no avail? Do the two of you get stuck in this no-win situation? Does the situation end with his inevitable meltdown and your futile punishment?

Or, do you feel like Sisyphus? When your interactions with your child give no satisfaction, you may be the one who seems always to be pushing a heavy “boulder,” pointlessly and forever. You may feel unable to change the same-old, same-old cycle.

Do you wish someone would help you and your child break this cycle, so you could both get to the top—and stay there?

Okay, then! This book is for you!

Jed Baker, in this excellent book, gives us the tools to deal with and prevent out-of-control behavior. Wisely, he leads us grown-ups to understand how to change our own behavior in order to help our children change theirs.

Dr. Baker teaches through example, and these are compelling stories, indeed.

Perhaps you know a child like Kevin. Kevin misinterprets and lashes out at his classmates when they say he must wait to join a game. He gets more upset when grown-ups explain that his perception of the other kids’ intent is inaccurate. He gets so upset that he has a meltdown.

Jeff avoids doing first-grade homework. He takes an hour to do a five-minute assignment and leads his parents on a chase through the house before collapsing in a meltdown.

Sandy eats only Goldfish crackers. She goes a whole day without eating if her parents withhold the crackers. At the end of the day, at the end of her endurance, and at the end of her parents’ rope, Sandy has a meltdown.

Jared moves slowly in the morning. His parents’ cajoling and raised voices result in his moving even more slowly. They push, he resists, and then (no surprise!), he has a meltdown.

Sound familiar?

A four-step program can prevent these incessant meltdowns—and make life so much easier! The first step is to accept and appreciate your child. Three “musts” in this first step are to control your own temper, create an atmosphere where the child feels competent, and avoid constant power struggles.

The second step is to de-escalate a meltdown with a distraction that you are pretty sure will comfort the child. The distraction may be a hug or a moment of bouncing on your knee. Physical contact and playful movement deliver soothing sensory input that may be all you need to diffuse the meltdown. If a hug or bounce won’t do the job, the distraction may be a favorite toy, a good joke, or a collectible playing card.

The third step is to understand why meltdowns reoccur. You will learn the “ABCs” of behavior—Antecedent, Behavior, and Consequence—and determine the specific triggers of your child’s meltdown.

The fourth step is creating logical plans to prevent meltdowns. These plans make so much sense that you will wonder why you didn’t try them sooner. For instance, some children have meltdowns because they are on sensory overload—or “underload.” Here you will find suggestions for ways to change the level of sensory stimulation that may contribute to out-of-control behavior.

You will learn to create a plan to alter the specific triggers to your youngster’s meltdowns. This proactive approach explains how to teach new skills to prepare children for challenging situations. For example, Kevin learned through this approach to wait to join a game without getting upset, when he understood that his classmates were not rejecting him when they said he needed to wait.

I have a very high opinion of this book. It talks sense. It includes engaging case studies of recognizable children. It includes humor, especially when Dr. Baker reveals how his initial approaches to clients have occasionally backfired. It encourages us to become mindful, flexible, and hopeful, so we can model positive behavior for our children. Most of all, it is filled with compassion for the young “rulers” who reign over our homes and classrooms. These children are doing everything in their power to cope. Dr. Baker assures us that they can and will do so much better when their parents and teachers put their shoulder to the task, using the strategies suggested here.

CAROL S. KRANOWITZ, M.A.

Bethesda, Maryland

March 2008

INTRODUCTION

Like many therapists, I was steered into my profession by my upbringing. Emotional expression reigned supreme in my childhood. Not only did I receive my daily dose of love and appreciation, but I was also surrounded by plenty of anxiety, frustration and emotional outbursts. In many ways I have spent a lifetime trying to tune in and manage other people’s emotions. Without knowing it, I learned to remain calm in a storm, using humor and distraction and any other means to pacify upsets.

I started my career as a psychologist at an inner city school system working with children referred for challenging behavior problems. Again I was called upon to put out “emotional fires” as my young clients frequently reeled out of control in their classrooms.

In my nine years there, I learned some crucial lessons that have stayed with me. First, I came to understand how vital it is to develop a trusting relationship. So many adults had failed these kids previously, it was no wonder that they had very little trust in me or any other professional hired to help them with their behavior. It was clear that I had to earn their respect before I could have any influence on them. I had to help them feel cared for and appreciated before they were willing to care about themselves.

A second lesson came out of frustration with my work in that setting. I grew tired of constantly putting out the same fires over and over again. It seemed that I was able to calm the students when they were upset, yet they continued to have the same problems time and time again. I needed a way to prevent these meltdowns rather than continue to simply calm the situation after the fact.

At this time I began working with students who had autism spectrum disorders. We were beginning to see more and more autism in the schools, especially in intelligent youngsters who had great difficulty adapting to the academic and social challenges of school. The autism literature was different from the literature available on working with my “emotionally disturbed” kids. Somehow, the autism researchers understood that kids with autism did not have the skills to cope with some of the academic and social challenges. Thus we needed to alter the demands placed on the children and teach them skills to cope with those challenges. The literature on kids with emotional disturbances erroneously assumed that those kids often knew how to behave, but just did not want to, and thus a “disciplinarian approach” was advocated.

No doubt discipline is an important part of working with all children. But I came to understand an important reality that extends beyond simplistic discipline: When children’s problem behavior persists despite rules and consequences, it often means that they do not have the skills to cope with challenging situations. We must either change those situations or teach better coping skills.

As I continued my work teaching students on the autism spectrum how to deal with challenges, I began to write down the lessons I taught them. These grew into four books on social skills training (Baker, 2001; 2003; 2005; 2006). It became clear that the approach of modifying challenging situations and teaching coping skills was helpful, not only to autistic individuals, but to all children. I was eventually hired by another school district to oversee social skills training for all their students, where I’ve been able to see how these strategies have prevented many a meltdown.

Of course, all those years of professional work could not completely prepare me for having my own kids. As a psychologist, I usually have a quiet time to reflect on each of my client’s needs. As a parent, I have to respond to my children’s behavior in the middle of the night, first thing in the morning before coffee, and out in public. I have to calm my children, teach them skills, modify demands and love them as completely as I do—all while trying to live my life. It is my own kids, more than anyone else, who inspired me to write this book to provide parents with a brief reference guide to help us understand and manage some of the more challenging moments with our children.

Drawing on techniques from years of applied research on motivating children and managing challenging behavior, this book provides the tools to help us:

Accept and appreciate our children so that we can maintain a positive relationship with them.

Know how to calm our children so we won’t feel helpless when their behavior is escalating out of control.

Create prevention plans for repeat problems so we can avert future meltdowns.

THE PROBLEM

1

MELTDOWNS:

When Rewards and Punishments are Not Enough

What is a Meltdown?

The family of a first-grader came to see me with concerns about their son. He’d had a challenging Kindergarten year. The school described him as a bright young boy with unpredictable outbursts. I met with his mother alone to get the background information on him. She explained how kind he was, yet misunderstood by those at school. The next week Mom brought him in to see me.

He entered the waiting room with a Game Boy in hand. I said with a cheerful tone, “Hi Chris, it’s so good to meet you.” He would not look up at me or respond, just continued with his Game Boy. I knew from his history that he could hear me. I tried to win him over, “Chris, what’s that? A Game Boy? Can I see?” No response again. I said, “Can we talk for just a moment? You can bring your Game Boy in with you.” No response.

I turned to Mom and asked what she usually does when this happens. She said, out loud, that she might take the Game Boy away. I said, trying to be positive, “Wait, don’t do that. Chris, why don’t you just bring the Game Boy in with you.” He then put his fingers in his ears as I spoke and said, “Na, na, na, na,” ignoring me.

I felt pretty powerless, much as I had the night before with my own kids when they ignored my efforts to get them to bed. This did not feel good. I began to wonder if it might be easier to work with adults, and let the rest of my staff work with the younger kids. Nevertheless, I tried one more thing, I took off my shoe, put a pencil up my nose and spoke into the shoe, “Chris, hello Chris, are you there?” I saw him smile. Without a word he followed me into my office.

I knew we were not home free yet, given our shaky start. I decided to quickly implement a little reward program to get him in a good mood. Mom told me he loved chocolate so I told him, “Every time you talk with me I am going to give you one of these fake dollars, and when you get five of them, you can have any of the chocolates in my bag over there.” I began by asking him non-threatening questions like what his Dad’s name was, his brothers’, etc. Within a minute he earned five of the fake dollars. I said, “Look how many you have: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Go ahead—you can have any of the chocolates you like.” At this point he squinted his eyes with an angry look, crawled under my desk, kicked over my chair, and began to knock his elbow into the drywall of my office hard enough to put a hole through it. He would not respond to me as he began to destroy my office.

This was a full-blown meltdown, the same kind seen in school as he began first grade. Did this young boy just need some firmer discipline? Was this a remnant of lack of discipline at home or in school? It seemed from the history that both school and home had offered rewards and doled out punishments to this boy fairly consistently. His mother’s threats of more punishment after the session certainly had not calmed him down. A series of embarrassing hula dances I performed was enough to get him to laugh once more and calm down, yet the question remained: why did this happen, and would it happen again?

Mom clued me in to what might have happened. He was struggling in school with adding numbers and, as much as I thought I was rewarding him when I said, “look how many dollars you have,” he thought, “This guy is doing math,” prompting him to try to fight or flee from this threat.

These challenging moments are exhausting for all. They may involve any upsetting behaviors that are hard to control, such as kicking and screaming, refusing to listen, physical aggression, or bad language. From my point of view:

“Meltdowns” are escalating negative emotional reactions.

The Usual Parenting Advice:

Start with Consistent Rules and Consequences

Most good parenting books tell us that we need to create rules and be consistent in enforcing them. According to this straightforward advice, we need to control our own tempers and calmly follow through with the rules that we ourselves set if we want our children to behave. Not only is it difficult to stay calm in the face of meltdowns, but following through with rules and consequences is not always enough, as we will soon examine. However, creating rules and consequences is an important starting point, and the advice bears repeating here.

Most of us understand that kids need structure and discipline to help them learn and behave. We set rules so they know what is expected. We have consequences, both rewards and punishments, to make clear the importance of following those rules. Without rules and consequences, our lives would be chaotic.

One family I worked with complained about the difficulty they had getting their two kids to eat dinner with them at the dinner table. After some discussion, they acknowledged that their rules about eating dinner had been unclear and inconsistent for some time. If the husband and wife were tired after working late, they sometimes gave in and let the kids eat in front of the TV. Then, when they wanted everyone to eat together, it became a battle to get them to the table. With some coaxing, they agreed to make eating together at the table a consistent rule. The positive consequence of following the rule was some TV time later. If the kids violated the rule, there was no TV later. This consistency brought order to their home after two days, during which the children tested the new rule. A triumph for good old structure and discipline.

The Limits of Discipline, When Rewards and Punishments No Longer Work

Sometimes, when our rules are not being followed, we intensify our disciplinary efforts by handing out still more consequences. Let’s look again at Chris, our first grader. He refused to do his work in class one day. The teacher told him he could not go to recess unless he did his work. He got angry and threw over his chair. She then said he must go to the principal’s office and he responded by stating he hated her. The principal reprimanded him for his behaviors and said he would not be allowed to go to recess for two days. Chris became so upset, he tried to leave the school building. As a result, he was suspended. When he returned to school, he once again began to refuse to do his work and the cycle started over.

As another example, a seven-year-old child I worked with had trouble sitting at the table throughout dinner and would frequently get up, sometimes play with his food and, on occasion, throw food. His parents told him that following the rules to stay seated and eat his food would result in a favored dessert and TV time, but even after losing TV and dessert, the upsetting behavior would continue. Throwing food would result in being sent to time out. Upon returning from time out, the pattern would begin again, and then back to time out he would go for a longer time. When he did it a third time, his parents would take one of his favored toys. None of this seemed to alter his behavior. It certainly added stress to the family’s life and left his parents questioning each other’s discipline styles.

This kind of power struggle and escalation in discipline is fine if it leads to a positive change in behavior. But when it does not, it serves no purpose to continue in the same vein. All too often I hear adults in these situations say that the child is just spoiled, or that he or she just needs a firm hand.

When consistent rewards and punishments are not working, it is time to try a new strategy.

But Aren’t Meltdowns Just Manipulative Behavior?

Some people distinguish between meltdowns and tantrums, suggesting meltdowns are always out of control while tantrums may be manipulative behaviors that are intentional. Returning to the example of Chris, who melted down in my office and at school, we might wonder whether his behavior was within his control. Did he plan to “act out” with me so that he would not have to go to therapy? Did he put on purposeful tantrums in school to get sent out of class because he did not want to do the work, or were these emotional reactions that overcame him when frustrated?

The issue of intent is often seen as crucial when considering whether or not to punish someone. If we think it’s a manipulative act, we feel more confident following through with the enforcement of the rule. “You will do your work or lose recess!” If on the other hand we think the behavior is an uncontrollable emotional reaction, we might be more likely to give in: “Okay, let’s take a break from work right now.” Holding firm to rules or giving in are not our only choices. The third choice is to understand the problem so that we can create a plan to prevent it from happening. For Chris, that plan may involve altering the work so that he does not need to avoid it.

When the challenging behaviors continue despite consistently enforcing rules, it does not matter anymore whether the behavior was intentional. We need to understand how to alter the triggers to those behaviors and/or teach better ways to cope with those triggers.

That is what this book is about. When traditional discipline (using rewards and punishments) has fallen short, you need to know what to do. Chances are, if you are reading this book, it is because some challenging behaviors continue to happen despite your efforts. This book gives you the tools to: (1) Accept and appreciate your children, even when they are driving you crazy, (2) Calm a meltdown in the moment, and (3) Develop strategies to prevent future meltdowns.

Can We Really Expect No More Meltdowns