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Pickle Pie E-Book

George Saoulidis

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Beschreibung

Tickle My Pickle
Rollerball meets GLOW in this bloody mess of a sport story.

When a bankrupt armourer ends up owning a second-rate jugger player, he decides to go for it. But will he manage to even turn a profit, when he knows little about the game and its seedy world, when the opponents play dirty on and off the field, and when the game's popularity grows with every player injury and death?

Do you wanna watch the bloody game of Cyberpink? Do you wanna meet Pickle Pie? Then read this exciting story where popularity is queen and blood runs pink.

This is book 1 of the Cyberpink series.

WARNING: “Pickle Pie” contains drug use, low inhibitions, cursing in multiple languages, British spelling, European political correctness, a ton of stuff given in the metric system, pink blood, red blood, dried blood, worship of made-up corporate gods, references to male and female body parts, drinking, abuse, murder for sport, murder for hire, attempted murder, lecherous fanboys directly from 4chan, polyamory, gangsterism, debt bondage (the non-sexy kind of bondage,) transhumanism, misquoted Doctor Who lines, LGBT characters, diversity, pickle consumption in large quantities, ouzo consumption in large quantities, poorly named things, bathroom scenes (Hitchcock would be proud,) and the story of a hero who's just trying to do the right thing while complaining about it.

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Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

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Contents

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

DROP ONE

DROP TWO

DROP THREE

DROP FOUR

DROP FIVE

DROP SIX

DROP SEVEN

DROP EIGHT

DROP NINE

DROP TEN

DROP ELEVEN

DROP TWELVE

DROP THIRTEEN

DROP FOURTEEN

DROP FIFTEEN

DROP SIXTEEN

DROP SEVENTEEN

DROP EIGHTEEN

DROP NINETEEN

DROP TWENTY

DROP TWENTY-ONE

DROP TWENTY-TWO

DROP TWENTY-THREE

DROP TWENTY-FOUR

DROP TWENTY-FIVE

DROP TWENTY-SIX

DROP TWENTY-SEVEN

DROP TWENTY-EIGHT

DROP TWENTY-NINE

DROP THIRTY

DROP THIRTY-ONE

DROP THIRTY-TWO

DROP THIRTY-THREE

DROP THIRTY-FOUR

DROP THIRTY-FIVE

DROP THIRTY-SIX

DROP THIRTY-SEVEN

DROP THIRTY-EIGHT

DROP THIRTY-NINE

DROP FORTY

DROP FORTY-ONE

DROP FORTY-TWO

DROP FORTY-THREE

DROP FORTY-FOUR

DROP FORTY-FIVE

DROP FORTY-SIX

DROP FORTY-SEVEN

DROP FORTY-EIGHT

DROP FORTY-NINE

DROP FIFTY

DROP FIFTY-ONE

DROP FIFTY-TWO

DROP FIFTY-THREE

DROP FIFTY-FOUR

DROP FIFTY-FIVE

DROP FIFTY-SIX

DROP FIFTY-SEVEN

DROP FIFTY-EIGHT

DROP FIFTY-NINE

DROP SIXTY

DROP SIXTY-ONE

DROP SIXTY-TWO

DROP SIXTY-THREE

DROP SIXTY-FOUR

Did You Enjoy This Story?

DROP ONE

Patty got hit, and her body paralysed completely.

She hated getting hit, and that stupid longsword offered no protection at all. She preferred sword-and-shield, having something to block with, something to cover her body. But the stupid coach forced her to use this useless weapon.

“One Pinup Girl is down, and it seems like more are about to go the same way,” the commentator said.

The opponent who got her with her own longsword, Echidna was her name, went on to tear through one more teammate, then her Qwik. Oh, she blocked alright, both arms together covering her body, but the force of the blow made her stumble backwards and it opened her up for another player, Hydra. Hydra was a Chain and could reach far so all she needed was an opening. She went for it, her cyberarm a bunch of snakes writhing on her side, extending like a whip, jaws snapping.

Qwik went down too, bleeding. She knelt in an expanding pool of pink blood, her calf bitten off, paralysed.

Patty’s head was at an awkward angle and all she could do was turn her eyes towards the action. The Beasties went through the rest of her team, the drum beating, slow, so slow.

The Beastie Qwik, a nimble, tiny woman called Gorgon, had the skull and was going for it, running to score.

“And the Beastie Qwik goes for the final skull. There she runs, more of a saunter, since the match is pretty much finished. Finished, like Anglet Finishing for wood, the best varnish money can buy.”

Drum beat, the final one.

Patty felt sensation in her entire body again, her fingers and toes tingling, but there was no time to recover. She lurched towards the qwik, dodged an incoming snake, slid the last few metres by kneeling on the ground and hit Gorgon on the leg. She knelt and dropped the skull, kicking it away by accident.

Echidna got to her, her longsword a flurry of blows. Patty barely managed to parry and heard the drum beat again.

Gorgon was about to recover. Patty made a feint, that if successful, would give her a window of opportunity.

Echidna fell for it. She stepped back to avoid. Patty swung her longsword and instead of attacking, she hit the enemy Qwik again, this time on the neck.

Her motion was so fast that struck with quite a force.

Something snapped.

“Oh, what a blow from Patty Roo! Was she going for it? ‘Cause if she was, it was na-sty.”

Gorgon got paralysed again. Patty’s own Qwik recovered, and went for the skull, limping. A trail of pink behind her.

“And we’ve got Pinup Girls’ Qwik still going at it, she just doesn’t give up, does she?”

“Well, it is after all the deciding match for the preliminary round of the tournament. The girls are giving it their all,” the second commentator replied.

Patty placed her body in her opponent’s path. “No shield, dammit,” she hissed. She did her best to cover her Qwik.

Echidna stepped forward, her motion an impossibly fast jab, her longsword right into the Qwik’s ribs. She buckled and knelt, this time from the pain as well as the paralysis.

It was over.

Patty glanced behind at her teammate. She wasn’t getting back up, no matter how many stims or reserves of blood she might be pumped with.

Distracted, Echidna struck her on the torso.

Crack.

Another blow to the arm.

“A foul! The ref is going nuts over this, but Echidna doesn’t seem to care.”

Another to the face. Patty spat pink blood, her lips barely able to move under the paralysis.

“What a finish from Echidna! Finalising the match for the Beasties, but at a severe price indeed. The medics are rushing in right now, and it doesn’t look good for the Beastie’s Qwik. The drumming is over and Gorgon is still not moving, people. We might just have a casualty this soon in the tournament.”

Patty watched the medics like a dream, petrified. They strapped Gorgon’s neck down, lifted her on a gurney, carried her away.

A streak of pink blood dripping from the side of her mouth.

A Beastie, sure. The enemy, sure. But she never meant to harm anyone.

“And we got preliminary scans, she’s gonna make it, people! Just a spinal injury. Gorgon is off the game, possibly forever. One of the fastest Qwiks ever seen on Cyberpink, with a lifetime score of 452 skulls in the mount. Will the Beasties recover from this serious blow this early in the tournament?”

A moaning came from the seats around the stadium. Booing for Patty Roo. Lots and lots of booing.

Patty’s knees gave way, adrenaline left her system, stims ran their course and made a brand of very expensive piss. They had lost.

She saw the medics over her head and then it all went dark.

DROP TWO

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Hector said, pushing the flash drive back.

The client was fidgety, to say the least. He kept licking his lips, scratching his elbow till it bled, and only half of this behaviour was from substance abuse. “Come on, man, it’s collateral. I’ll pay you the rest as soon as I turn a profit. I got a tip, man. I got a tip.”

Hector sat back down on his chair and sighed out loud. He’d never stay seated when a client was present at his store, but Diego was no longer a good client. A long-time client, sure, but a good one?

Nah…

He grabbed a piece of armour and kept working on it to keep his hands busy while the junkie apologised and went on and on about how he’d finally get his big score and pay off his debts.

He fixed a spot at the armpit, the client had complained that it dug into his skin and made it uncomfortable. Custom armour was his expertise, so he simply grabbed his tools and fixed it. Yeah, he ran his fingers on the curve, there was indeed a sharp edge that could catch fabric. Just a tiny bit of filing and a cloth tape to make it softer. Hector cut the tape with his teeth and stuck it in place like an expert. He spun it around in the light, you could hardly see it.

“The tournament man, I’m telling you, we’re gonna get rich! Filthy rich.” Diego placed the flash drive again on the desk. His fingers dirty, his nails even worse, his clothes stinking from some drug joint, he placed the flash drive on the surface with reverence.

Strangely, it was the only thing that was clean on that man.

“Filthy, indeed,” Hector said, raising his eyes back towards his client. “Diego,” he demanded. “For the last time, I’m not a sports manager. I make armour. I fix armour. I custom-fit armour. That’s all my father did, and that’s all I know how to do. I don’t know shit about sports.”

“But-But that’s it, it’s perfect, I’m telling you. The girls, they wear armour. Can’t you see, it’s a match made in heaven?” Diego cupped his hands together to underline his point.

Hector breathed in hard and instantly regretted it. The aroma was… intense. “Diego, just pawn it off and bring me at least a portion of the money you owe me,” he said, the matter already past its expiration date.

“Nah, man, I only trust you with my woman.”

“That’s… Wow. Let’s just say, wrong, on so many levels.”

“The pawnshop will just sell her off,” Diego said, head bowed. He cleaned his nails nervously. “At least with you, I’ll know she’ll be treated good, like I have.”

Hector leaned forward and threw the chest armour aside. “Diego, please don’t get me wrong, but I need to say this to you and I’ll try to be as clear as possible. I don’t give a shit about your woman. I don’t give a shit about your bets. I need the money you owe me. Canvas is collecting tomorrow. Figure it out, sell the blockchain key, whatever.”

Diego bit his lip, his eyes darting around the place, outside, far away down the street. Hector could see that the man wanted to run, but he wasn’t stopping him. It was a lost cause. He should know better than to work with a junkie, but Diego had been a long-time customer. His father would have cut him off instantly, but Hector was too soft for business.

No wonder his was going under.

His chair creaked. His shelves were practically empty. His clients non-existent.

He spun around in his chair and made a decision. “Diego, get the fuck out, and get me my money. Please. Now let me get on the phone with actual paying customers in case I can score a last-minute order.”

He turned his back.

Diego froze and said nothing for a while. Then he shuffled out of the shop.

DROP THREE

He locked up the shop and went upstairs to his apartment. He wrote a few emails, drank some cheap ouzo, then sent them to clients through the PGP encryption. It was the middle of the night but his clientele wasn’t exactly keeping a 9 to 5 job, to say the least.

He sipped some more ouzo to get a slight buzz, and then got out to the balcony. Athens looked peaceful. The view wasn’t much, just a fuzzy sky, brownish yellow from all the smog. The LED streetlamps made it worse. He was on a parallel street to Syggrou avenue. The street had a few shops, artisans like him, specialty items. Custom firearms, grips, equipment, sex toys. Clients of the don’t-ask-don’t-tell variety. Aliases, negotiations in encrypted channels, payment in cryptocurrency.

All the usual stuff.

He had to get 10 thousand for Canvas tomorrow. He glanced at the side of his field-of-view for the time. Thirteen hours left.

Canvas, the local enforcer for Ares Defence, would swing by monthly and ask for a cut. In return, he kept you safe, mostly from himself. Canvas was a titan of a man, a tower of muscle and power. He liked to fuck guys. Two guys, in particular, his boys named Michael and Angelo. And he enjoyed long walks down at the shops, maintaining the peace, and draining the blood of his enemies to paint on his body. He liked to have one of his fuckboys paint on him with blood while he fucked the other.

Seriously, there was video and everything.

Hector had watched it while covering his eyes for most of its duration. He had to admit it was good porn, under two conditions: One, you liked gay threesomes, which Hector did not. And two, you could somehow see past the fact that a person had died painfully to get you this lovely piece of pornography.

And that man was about to knock on his door in a few hours.

Forget emails.

Hector got back inside and got on the encrypted app. He would make some calls and bug some people. What would they do? Kill him?

“Yeah, details are on the email I sent you. Put in an order now with a down-payment and you’ll get 50% off on ten body armours. Yeah, you might say that. Excellent. As soon as the payment hashes I’ll get back to you for the specs you want, okay? Perfect, nice doing business with you.”

He hung up. Yes! Four thousand euros. That was something.

The rest hadn’t replied, or said they didn’t need anything at this time. Hector checked the news, there was nothing about shootings, break-ins, corporate assassinations, nothing.

Damn.

Business sky-rocketed when there was something like that happening. He felt like a vulture, but what was he supposed to do? Not feel happy when a terrorist attack downtown brought in five new clients in one day?

He downed the rest of the ouzo, straight. He tapped on his table, he was amped up and had a buzz going on. Sleep? Puh. He’d sleep when he was dead.

He loaded up Canvas’ social profile on his veil and walked around his workshop.

There had to be something here that could save his ass.

This big ‘ol riot armour? He could adjust it for the big guy. But it was bulky, ugly even. Made for maximum protection. Sure, it was intimidating, but Canvas didn’t need help in that department.

A helmet? Something with flames? What did gays even like? Flowers?

Hector giggled, the stress upon his impending death made him fuzzy, but he couldn’t stop. Nah, he pictured himself in his mind presenting a flowery helmet to the titan, then getting stomped right there on the spot into a puddle of blood, then Michael dipping his brush and wiping it slightly with a flourish.

No.

He needed something Canvas would fucking love.

Hector stopped in front of what he called the slut-guard. He didn’t advertise it as such, but in this street even that might be good advertising.

It was transparent armour, flexible. A chest-guard for ladies, liquid armour that transformed upon impact and could absorb a bullet shot, transparent so they could show off their physique and/or expensive underwear. Knife-proof, water-proof, comfortable. It couldn’t save you from bigger calibres but you obviously needed more padding for that. This one had a specific purpose in mind, personal protection with style.

Hector lifted it in his arms. It was tiny, barely able to cover Canvas’ left side, let alone his entire chest.

That was it! Art. He could splice it with…

Hector slapped the armour down on his work bench, sleep entirely gone, his mind sharper than ever. Impending death does that to a man. He had a few hours to work on this. He could do this. Order in a couple of parts, which would arrive by eleven o'clock…

He gripped his hammer. “Hephaestus grant me strength, I dedicate this to you as my greatest piece,” he mumbled, and got to work.

DROP FOUR

Canvas arrived on time. He walked at the front, his two fuckboys at his side, plus two more men. New guys, Hector hadn’t seen them before. They stayed outside forming a relaxed perimeter and Hector got up to the door to greet him.

“Canvas, my man, looking good today!”

“You look like shit, on the other hand,” Canvas said. “I got a lotion for those bags under the eyes of yours, does wonders.”

“And I’d love to try it, please, send me a sample. But come on in.”

Canvas adjusted the enormous machine gun hanging on his shoulder and sighed. “When people are this much polite with me, I know they ain’t got the scratch.”

“Times have been tough,” Hector said, his head bobbing up and down. “But I got some, four-k.”

Canvas glanced back at Angelo and shook his head. “Four-k is something I can show my superiors, for today.”

“No, there’s no need-”

Angelo kicked one of the displays over and smashed it on the floor. That little blond bitch. Hector flinched but ignored the damage. “And I have something I know you’ll like. Let’s call it a gift.”

Canvas raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Follow me round the back, it’s in my workshop.”

Hector darted at the back and the titan followed.

“Now, this, is a work of art. Absolutely unique in the world, no one else has this.”

Canvas frowned. “It’s weird. What is it, a half-armour?”

“It’s sexy armour, my sexy man. Check it out. Please, I took the liberty of fitting it to your size, try it on.”

Canvas glanced back at Angelo and the fuckboy lifted his rifle a few degrees, casually covering his boss. He undressed right on the spot, his current armour slapping the floor in falling parts.

“There’s a changing room right- Oh, right, with that physique, you’ve got nothing be ashamed of.” Hector looked away.

Canvas looked down, fussing with it. “How do I-”

Hector adjusted the straps.

“Now, imagine walking around with this, with your chest and your six pack painted, just the way you like it. You can show it off, you can be the Canvas!”

Canvas looked at his reflection in the mirror.

Angelo stepped close, his expression lustful.

Yes! Hector contained his excitement. But he made a tiny punch in the air.

“How do I look?” Canvas asked.

“Badass and sexy,” Angelo whistled. “I love it. In fact, I wanna do you right here.”

“Nice. And this stops bullets?”

Hector went into full selling-mode. “High quality metamaterial, transforms upon impact into better than Kevlar, impervious to knives. Shows off your body and protects it at the same time. Bitchin’ cost-per-centimetre, only celebrities and corporate bigshots can afford it.” Then he turned away and said casually, “Viko wears it.”

At the mention of the celebrity’s name Canvas perked up. “Viko? Seriously?”

“Doesn’t leave home without it. Custom-job, with these hands right here.” Hector wiggled his fingers. “You know I don’t tell on my clients but I know I can trust you.”

Canvas eyed himself in the mirror some more. He looked real good, Hector had to admit. A muscled titan, intelligent, trained, armoured to the teeth but with transparent parts interwoven at strategic places. Badass and sexy indeed.

Hector felt kinda proud.

Now if he could live to enjoy the feeling.

Canvas stepped close and Hector started. He slapped him on the shoulder and showed his perfect teeth. “I like it.”

Hector took his first truly deep breath in hours.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DROP FIVE

 

 

Timbo heard the voice of god.

His naked feet slapping on the cold marble, he spun around the metro station.

“Get out,” the voice of god said.

Timbo looked up, checked every corner. The ceiling was so high and he turned his head so much that he fell on his butt.

“I said, get out!” the voice of god boomed from everywhere.

Timbo darted away and ran a few paces, then hid behind a corner. Surely god couldn’t see him now.

“I can still see you,” god said, his voice clear, coming from all over. It crackled like bad radio, like the one grandma always listened to.

Timbo needed to get some coins for the day. He didn’t really know how much he had, but he could hold them in his palm and feel the weight. He was definitely light and phuro would smack the shit out of him if he returned like this. Timbo found out that the best place to hang out was next to the recharging booths. People put their metro passes in the machine, tapped a few things, then either swiped another card or put in coins. The ones counting coins while approaching the machine were the ones who Timbo could swindle. He’d go up to them, dig his nose for a booger, show them his filthy legs and look up at them with his big eyes.

That’s what the familia said, anyway. That he had big eyes. Timbo couldn’t see his eyes to see how big they were, but if everyone insisted so, it must be true. And Timbo was good at it, he’d go up to people and plead and they’d give him some of the coins the machine spat out. They came out of the slot with the plastic you could see through at the bottom, and Timbo had tried to reach in and grab some more coins but none fell. And the machine scratched his arm and it hurt and Timbo said ‘Owie.’

That’s why god was yelling at him, for kicking the machine that dropped coins.

Timbo looked around. It happened that the metro station was empty at this time. Well lit, everything worked but there was no one else around except poor-little-Timbo. He hid behind the corner and held the coins in his hand. They were too light. He knew phuro would be mad.

Timbo needed to bring something back. All his brothers and sisters and cousins brought something back every night. Else they got a beating and didn’t eat and slept outside. Sometimes people looked at Timbo’s dirty hands and feet and gave him things to eat, telling him about begging and how he was being used.

Timbo nodded and smiled and kept his palm up but he knew he wasn’t being used. Familia was familia. You just provided for the familia, and the kumpania as a whole. Didn’t these gadjes know that?