Remember not to forget is right E-Book

Olga Tsatskina

• Herausgeber: via tolino media
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2022

Beschreibung

Darcy Larsen is a young, promising scientist and just a good guy, on the eve of a scientific discovery, he faces a choice between his ambitions and human principles. His patient Elizabeth Nürtz, a victim of gang rape, in an attempt to escape from her past, which is slowly killing her, agrees to become the main link of his scientific experiment on memory transplantation. The donor for her is Robert Patton, the spoiled son of rich parents, who lost all interest in life, as well as all his memory as a result of a car accident. The three main characters become the vertices of a triangle in a difficult relationship. Trying to escape from their past, they hope to start a new life, but fate pushes them against each other again and again to pass the lessons prepared for them by fate. A story about choosing and paying for it, love, betrayal and forgiveness. And about how the attitude to our past affects our future.

Leseprobe

IMPRESSUM

Editing: Olga Tsatskina

Proofreading: Julia Tolstova

Cover design: Olga Tsatskina

Title: "Remember not to forget is right"

Adress: Russia, 109156, Moscow, Zhulebinsky avenue 25

[phone]

Social Media Sites: https://www.instagram.com/olga_ts_writer/

Remember not to forget is right

A novel

By Olga Tsatskina

Remember not to forget is right

Copyright 2021by Olga Tsatskina. All rights reserved.

Published by Olga Tsatskina

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

- Good morning, Dr. Larsen!

- Good morning, Annie! Do I have an appointment for today?

- Yes, Doc, the psychological clinic called, they asked you to urgently see a patient. She has had constant relapses for over a year, a terrible past. If not us, then, I'm afraid, no one will help her anymore.

- Have you looked at the case history yet? - The doctor grinned, pleased with his student.

-Yes, I have, I'm so sorry, but she's only 22 years old, - Annie replied, shrugging her shoulders.

- Okay, what time will she be here?

- About 10. The car has already left Munich. I think they will be here in 20 minutes.

- OK. Then bring her directly to my office. And prepare a ward for her.

***

-My name is Darcy Larsen. I am the head of an advanced clinic for the treatment of psychological problems of people who have experienced any severe trials in the past, and from which they have no salvation in their present and even future. The only one and advanced clinic of its kind. The methods that we use here are new and most often effective even in very difficult cases. What is your name? Maybe there is something that you would like to tell me yourself and first of all?

With a blank and pale look, the patient glanced at her next doctor. It seemed to him that he physically felt the cold of her blue eyes on him. She was a beauty, once, but now she looked sickly. Her mental state has left a clear mark on her health. For her, he was just another doctor in a long attempt to recover.

They were similar and completely different. Nature has endowed them with a similar northern beauty, blonde hair, sharp blue eyes the color of a frosty morning sky. His thirst for life and discoveries cheerfully drove the blood through his veins, manifested by a blush on his face, red lips, which he often stretched in a dazzling smile, the warmth of large palms. While Liz, depressed by her past, hid her brushes in her sleeves, trying to keep warm. He got up and closed the window, noticing how she was shivering.

Lizie looked at him from behind. The Doctor was tall and well-built by nature. Scientific research did not leave him much time for sports, but the proportions of his body were athletic. It seemed to her that he had covered the entire window with himself. When Larsen sat down again in his chair, she started to speak.

-My name is Elizabeth Nürz. But you have my medical card, you have seen everything for yourself. Any story is a new memory for me, and I don't want to remember, I'm afraid. It seems to me that if I remember this again – I will die, I will kill myself. I can't and don't want to live anymore. More than a year has passed, and I remember every little thing, the smell of each of them, how the last of these bastards had a drop of sweat trembling on his eyelashes when he…

Elizabeth covered her face with her hands and leaned forward with her whole body.

-I'll help you. Just trust me. I have helped hundreds of people with difficult stories. Science does not stand still. Only we need to understand what exactly you have experienced, what you feel now, why you can't let go of the past and move on. We need to raise everything to the smallest detail so that your memory gives another patient a chance to live a different life, and you can find peace and a future.

Elizabeth abruptly tore her hands from her face and looked at him with clear, icy eyes.

-But how?!

- We have several ways. But I suggest in your case a completely advanced one. We will transplant the memory of another person to you, and your memory to him. Of course, this will only be an undesirable equal-time segment, both for you and for him. Thus, the memories that torment you so much now will simply be cut out. But at the same time, you must understand that others will take their place – strangers, perhaps no less terrible and difficult, but you will understand that they are strangers. Gradually, a reasonable understanding of this alienness in your memory will turn them into just a movie that you once watched and that has no real relation to you and your life. But it will take time. And ...

- Wait, can you just cut it out like appendicitis? -practically in syllables, Elizabeth said as clearly as possible, trying to make sure that she had correctly interpreted the doctor's words. - This is amazing! When will you be able to do this? Please, as soon as possible! She gripped Darcy's right hand tightly in both of hers.

-Lizie, wait a minute, - Darcy said, carefully freeing himself. Looking into her eyes, he took the patient's hand and continued confidentially, reassuringly, - it's not that simple. I can't cut an episode. I can't cut out and leave a void. We need a long, patient preparation. We need our joint work.

Lizie relaxed a little, felt that she believed him, every word, that he would really help her, he wanted to help her. He will not mindlessly give her injections and pills according to the scheme, just so that she is quiet. He would help her. He was sure of it himself. Looking at him, everyone could say that this man knows what will happen in his future, what he wants and how he will achieve it. Every gesture, movement, and intonation of his voice spoke about his self-confidence and what he was doing.

- Okay, okay, okay. What should I do? I'm ready for anything, just spare me from this. Please!

Lizie looked both excited and exhausted at the same time. In her eyes, there was a detachment from the whole world at once. In Dr. Larsen's office, where the lights were dimmed, she looked about 40 years old. Hair, hands, face, lips-beautiful and young have been without careful care for a whole year. Lizie almost didn't go out on the street in the last year, she wasn't interested in anything, not even her own body. She looked dull, her every movement, look, her clothes said that the world was gone for her, faded away. She was fading away by herself. From the 22-year-old girl, a cheerful intern of the law firm Meicher & Co., only an extinct shell remained. As if behind her, on her back, someone pressed the OFF button, like a clockwork doll, and then threw it into the far corner of the children's room, where it was gathering dust to this day.

- Lizie, first of all, you must realize that there is a way out, there is a method and your active participation will speed up the treatment. Secondly, now the nurse will show you your room, you will settle in, go to lunch with other patients. During this time, I will study your history and we will meet again at 3 o'clock. Do you agree?

"At three?" Lizie's gaze unfocused. It seemed that she was lost in her memories, and her thin shoulders sank even lower, weighed down by the upcoming expectation. Dr. Larsen pressed the call button for a nurse, and she entered the office in an immaculate white dressing gown as a bright bright spot. Putting her arm around Lizie's fragile shoulders, she helped her up and gently cooed that she would see her out and everything would be fine soon.

Once alone in the ward, Elizabeth tried to force herself to sort out her bag, arrange her personal belongings on the bedside table and shelves, in order to somehow indicate her presence here. Often glancing at the wall clock, she became more and more upset, lately the minutes were dragging insanely long. The medications she was given at the psychiatric hospital before being sent to Dr. Larsen's clinic did not help much. It was getting harder and harder to force herself to do something here and now, the past was getting more and more exciting. She resisted it for 10 minutes, even 15 minutes, but it was stronger. Lizie, unable to resist any longer, sat down on the edge of the hospital bed covered with white sheets, drew her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and gave up.

She felt the weight of a man's body again, as the beautiful young face above her twisted in an evil grin and pleasure. Her lips were whispering again, "no, please, no, begg you, don’t do it with me" dry, numb, broken for the intractability and resistance that she could only provide to three strong guys. She kept repeating her plea, whispering the same thing, although it was too late to ask for it.

The nurse found Lizie in the same position with a glassy look. From her own experience, knowing what was happening to the new ward, she did not even touch her, so as not to provoke a conniption. Any touch and Lizie will wake up, but her mind will remain there, in her cruel, tenacious past, and she may not immediately realize that it is the nurse next to her, and not one of her tormentors. And then Lizie will not spare anything and no one around, protecting herself, destroying and smashing the hospital ward. 

Annie came back with Dr. Darcy. At such moments, even with such a diverse long-term practice behind him, Dr. Larsen could never predict the development of a sick person's reaction. But knowing that Lizie got here because of violent actions in her past-the use of medical measures with the use of coercion will be wrong and will provoke a nervous explosion. Darcy put his right hand in front of Lizie's eyes and said loudly:

- Lizie, this is Dr. Larsen, I'm going to snap my fingers, and you look at me. Ok?

There was a sharp click, and Lizie blinked. From the fact that she sat for a long time with her eyelids open, motionless, her eyes took revenge on her with dryness and cutting sensations. Tears streamed from under her blinking eyelids. She was crying very quietly. Darcy helped her to lie down on the bed and signaled the nurse to prepare a sedative.

-What is it? What for? - Lizie suddenly screamed when she saw the syringe in Darcy's hand.

-Lizie, it's a sedative. You'll get a couple of hours ' sleep, you'll feel better.

- No! Everything will happen again in a dream, I don't want to! Lizie screamed through her tears.

One nod of Dr. Darcy's head made it clear to Annie that he is needed her help. Annie firmly and confidently pressed Elizabeth's right hand to the bed, giving Darcy the opportunity to inject.

Elizabeth screamed softly and almost immediately fell silent, apparently from the unexpected pain caused by the needle. Annie stayed by her side until she was sure that the new patient was asleep.

***

- And what do you think, Doc? Would she be the first?

- I don't know, Ann. Maybe. I'm afraid for her. For how this transplant can even end. Everything is only in theory. What if something will go wrong? What if I haven't thought it through to the end? She is so beautiful and young. Whole life is ahead of her…

-Come on, Dr. Larsen, you've seen her. She doesn't live. She won't last that long. For me, it's better to become a victim of science than to live like this.

"Maybe you're right. It seems that she does not see any other outcome for herself. She clings to it like the last straw. She will not be persuaded by any of the possible side effects.

- Doc, we can't find a better candidate! -Annie said, patting Larsen's shoulder reassuringly.

- Yes, but did you forget that we need someone else? Someone who will somehow suit us and her.

- Let's not get ahead of ourselves. For now, let's just try to ease the fate of this girl.

Darcy Larsen didn't seem to hear the nurse's last sentence. He had been waiting so long for a suitable candidate to test his theory in practice, so he wanted to find the right person as soon as possible. And now, standing at the window in his office, he felt the whole burden of responsibility that he was going to take on himself. But is the risk justified?

Remembering Lizie, her thin shoulders and fading youth, he firmly realized for himself that this risk was fully justified in relation to Lizie.

What could have been waiting for this girl? The practice of psychiatry has shown that if a patient with similar symptoms did not cope with the trauma during the first year of treatment with medication and therapy, then only the progress of the disease is waiting for him in the future, which will become overgrown with more and more concomitant symptoms and manifestations.

What is waiting for Lizie? A madhouse. If they don't take a chance together, she will never come out of there again.

- Yes, the risk is justified! - Larsen said aloud, believing himself in the correctness, even humanity, of what he was going to test on Elizabeth Nürz.

There was a lot of work ahead – it was necessary to investigate in detail all the subtleties of Elizabeth's fragile psyche. Thoroughly penetrate into the complex tangled tangle of her spiritual threads: all her childhood, youth, the relationship of her parents and her relationship with her parents, the situation in the family and how Lizie felt with each of the family members. Her relationship with the world around her, her individual perception of the world. All this should be thoroughly studied, eaten away, and it is not an easy task to make a person in a state of the deepest depression and nervous disorder accurately go back mentally and clearly convey to the doctor all the information he is interested in.

After that, it was necessary to find a second person who was ready to follow Elizabeth's path, or who was ready to become a memory donor for Elizabeth. The doctor himself could have become a donor. But this is a last resort. Darcy sincerely hoped to find the perfect option for Lizie – a person who would also need a transplant of a memorable segment, like Elizabeth. Then it will be possible to help two people at once, to save two distorted souls. There was another backup option – to find a donor among those who are doomed, but whose brains are still able to maintain memory function.

Darcy considered another option, but he did not dare to voice it even among his closest colleagues and associates – Darcy assumed to take a person with memory loss as a donor for one reason or another. There is a memory segment for the required period of time, but it is empty. That is, pure material that is not filled with anything. Failure. Emptiness. But Darcy has not yet fully figured out what is better for the patient – a failure and emptiness, or someone else's terrible memories that the patient will have to perceive after some time as a movie seen in the past.

But even here there were a lot of nuances: Darcy Larsen did not know whether such a memory was suddenly able to recover after a transplant to a receiver with a healthy body. And whether Elizabeth's memories will be erased as well as her own after the transplant to the donor. There was a huge number of questions left. But it was possible to clarify them only by experience.

***

In the evening, Darcy Larsen went home. He did not call Elizabeth to his office today. After all, the attack had taken place, and he did not want it to happen again. To calm Elizabeth down, a new dose of medicine would be required, and Larsen wanted to get a new patient as soon as possible in a state in which she would work as productively as possible, whose consciousness would be free from chemical agents. So, he could only think about everything that he had already thought about so many times, now in relation to Lizie.

After eating an almost tasteless semi-cooked dinner at home, Darcy decided to make a plan for further actions. There was no hurry, now that he was almost at the goal, at the threshold of the embodiment of so many years of scientific work. But he could not delay either, he wanted to break down, go to the hospital, and immediately start a dialogue with Elizabeth, carefully writing down and thinking over every word she said. Darcy Larsen decided not to waste time thinking about options with a donor. Let the examination and preparation of Lizie go in full swing, and as soon as she is ready, he will choose for her the option that will be available at that time. With this decision, Larsen went to bed and, lying in bed, for a long time imagined how he would be awarded the Nobel Prize, how his mother would secretly wipe away a tear from her wrinkled cheek, which would provoke pride for her son. Fantasies gradually mixed with dreams. The Doctor fell asleep.

***

- Good morning, Lizie! - Annie sang cheerfully, smiling, opening the blinds and letting the dazzling sun rays into Elizabeth's room. The bright, sharp light that flooded into the room made Lizie squeeze her eyes and even cover herself with her palm.

- How did you sleep? Did you manage to rest?

- Yes, thank you, - the patient replied apathetically, internally not understanding what kind of need this nurse has to ask her stupid questions so loudly and cheerfully.

-All right, - Annie continued to sing, -then get up. Dr. Larsen is waiting for you after breakfast. You will have a long and difficult job today, so you need to refresh yourself.

"Oooh... Dr. Larsen...," Lizie said absently, as if she had forgotten that she had to change her place of stay and the attending physician. Abruptly sitting up on the bed, she began to run her eyes around, clearly confused and not knowing where to start to get herself in order. Attentive Annie came to her rescue:

- Go wash your face, all your accessories are in the bathroom. You put them there yourself yesterday. In the meantime, I'll make up your bed. Then I'll take you to breakfast, -Annie smiled at her encouragingly.

Elizabeth stood up energetically, she hadn't been striving for anything for a long time, she wasn't in a hurry. For the first time in several months, she wanted to look passable by appearing in front of a doctor. New, or rather forgotten, human feelings suddenly came to life in Lizie. No, of course, she washed her face every day, brushed her teeth and so on, but she only now realized, for example, that her toothpaste tastes like cherry. The tube is almost finished, and she only felt this berry taste today.

- And why suddenly cherry, - she said thoughtfully aloud, - I always took "fresh mint".

At breakfast, the coffee seemed watery to Lizie, almost tasteless, but the cheese sandwiches were very tasty. What is an appetite, Lizie has not remembered for a long time. Today, after eating her portion, she realized that she was still somewhat hungry. She leaned back in her chair and thought again about how fat-free and tasteless, insensitive her life had been in the last year or more. The very prospect, the chance to return to her old life, to forget, to erase that terrible night forever, began to bring Elizabeth back to life. She looked down at her hands, the skin was dry, with a grayish tinge. Lizie remembered her reflection in the mirror that she had seen in the bathroom this morning and, without taking her eyes off her emaciated fingers, smiled bitterly:

- Gray, like an underground worm, almost transparent…

***

– Well, how is she today, Ann? - Darcy asked his faithful companion.

- I didn't see any special changes, the same depression and apathy. Although she preened herself very carefully, so all is not lost, - Annie let out a laugh.

- This is already good, if at least some impulses for everyday life begin to wake up in her, this is already a lot for us. As soon as she's ready, bring her to me, we need to start.

-Can't wait, Doc? - Annie laughed again.

- Annie, I see you're in a very good mood today. I hope it won't interfere with my work, - Larsen was not joking.

Annie came out of Dr. Larsen's office, closed the door, and, looking up, leaned her back against the door and squeezed her eyes shut. She loved this time of year - spring, she had so many hopes for the coming spring, she is so in love with Darcy, she is so happy that she can be with him. Light, almost weightless, Annie hurried after the new patient with quick steps.

Larsen had noticed the cute coquetry of his young assistant more than once, even found her increasingly frequent playfulness funny, but he never seriously thought that she might feel something for him as for a man. He considered himself her boss, her teacher, and even in his thoughts he did not allow an office romance, although he caught himself thinking that Annie was a very attractive girl. She could be a wonderful life partner for him. An elegant nose, plump bright lips, a cheerful nature. Sometimes she reminded him of a pocket dog, no matter how such a comparison sounded. Her cute freckles under her eyes flew up with laughter every time he joked. Easy-going, optimistic, admiring him. But she rather became a good friend for him – always there, always helps, always supports and, if he asks, she will give him advice. In the case of Elizabeth Nürz, he considered Annie irreplaceable. Therefore, all her attempts to get closer, to ask for a joint cup of coffee after work, remained at zero. It even weighed on him.

For herself, Annie decided clearly that she would give him three more days, after which she would begin active actions.

***

- Hello, Elizabeth! Sit down please, - Larsen pulled out a chair for Lizie and smiled radiantly. Looking at the patient, Darcy remembered Annie's words about Lizie preening all morning, and smiled again. She really looked better. Her light blonde hair was neatly combed and thrown over her left shoulder, forming a hood of silk, smooth hair on the back of her head. A thick fringe of bangs formed an even border over her eyes. It seemed to the Doctor that she was all lit up today, lit up from the inside: her hair was shining, her eyes were shining, she smiled at him.

-Good morning, Doctor, - Liszie replied quietly, confused by his gaze.

- I embarrassed you, I'm sorry for God's sake. It's just that there was a dramatic change in you overnight, and as a psychiatrist, it didn't escape me. Did you sleep well? Or as usual? Maybe you will tell me the secret of your transformation yourself?

Lizie was confused, her face became sad and thoughtful again. Darcy accepted the change of her mood calmly, because sharp mood swings are faithful companions of an unbalanced psyche. And it was not worth waiting for long-term improvements from the fact that the patient simply slept one night in his advanced clinic.

- Doctor, yesterday you gave me hope that I could live without the past, without these nightmares that I see in my dreams and even when I'm awake...and today I really felt a little better. - Lizie made a bitter sound. – I even ate with an appetite. Doctor, I don't remember the last time I wanted to eat. I've missed out on so much, and that makes it even worse.

- Oh, no. Just do not regret it. This will definitely not help us, and it will not shake our nerves weakly. Lizie, you're a friend to yourself, right? So, try to drive it away. Do not fill your already tired head with any nonsense about missed opportunities.

-I'll try, really, - her soft lips tried to make a pale semblance of a smile.

- Lizie, I will briefly tell you what I have planned for us, so that you know what to expect and how much. So far, I have neither a donor nor a partner who would need the same transplant of the same time period as you. Therefore, while we are selecting and waiting for a candidate, we must examine you. This will be a hardware complex diagnostic, I will not go into details, it all does not hurt. Various diagnostic systems will be connected to you to understand your physical health. You are simply required to come to the right office at the appointed time, the nurse will always remind you of this. My work with you will consist of daily conversations, during which I will understand your psychotype, your characteristics, we will clearly identify the time interval until the day that will need to be cut. All this should take no more than 2-3 months, perhaps we will wait longer for the second patient, perhaps we will be lucky. I suggest that we focus on the examination for now. I need to get the most truthful answer to everything I ask. But at the same time, if any of the topics that I will touch on will be unnecessarily painful for you, be sure to tell me. We cannot shake your psyche, it's better that I mark this block, and we will return to this issue next time when you are more prepared. If you have any questions, ask them.

- Doctor, tell me, but you will have to cut out the entire segment of my memory, including the day of the operation, because on this day I will still remember that... well, about what happened to me, - Lizie lowered her eyes, talking about gang rape with someone was unpleasant.

- Lizie, I can't give a clear answer yet. Tell me, do you remember what you were thinking about yesterday? The sequence of thoughts, their order? Most often, people do not remember what they were thinking about, only if they do not analyze something long and carefully. If you do not sort out the details in your thoughts, who said what and what he wanted to say, in addition to what was said or done, then most likely the next day you will almost forget about it. And even more so in a month. By the way, you asked a very good question, the answer to it will be part of your work. It is in our best interests to minimize the gap that we will need to cut out as much as possible. And to reduce it-start controlling yourself, your thoughts. The less you think about the transplant and what you want to cut out, the fewer traces will remain in each subsequent day, the less we will injure your memory. It seems to you that a transplant will solve all your problems, but this is not quite true, I will not be able to transplant your shattered psyche. We will remove the reason-the memories. But the psyche will have to be restored, and transplantation has always been one of the most difficult operations, and although we will not physically cut out one of your organs and insert another in its place, it will still be a trauma. It will also take time to recover. And I can't predict how the recovery will go, what the subsequent complications may be, either. Elizabeth, I want you to think about all this again, before we start, you can refuse. There is probably more risk here than could be allowed. The decision is yours. As soon as you are ready with an answer, let me know, it will be necessary to sign some papers stating that you have been warned about possible adverse consequences and agree to the operation.

- Doctor, if we imagine that there would not have been you and your proposal, then I would not want to live the same way further. I don't live, I'm under a veil all the time, from these pills and injections, my hands ache from IVs and catheters. I don't want anything, I don't want to go anywhere. I'm like a vegetable. So, let's be frank – you are conducting experiments on me, but I need this experiment first of all. It may give me a chance to live, to be the same as before...and maybe it will get worse... but I feel bad now. So, give me your papers, I'll sign everything.

Elizabeth signed the documents without looking at them. Larsen scooped them up in a drawer of his desk.

- Well, then let's start.

Lizie nodded her head in response.

Elizabeth's days made sense: during the day she tried to answer Dr. Darcy's questions as accurately as possible, and in the evening she thought about how to answer those questions that disturbed her mental balance. She even began to carry a notebook with her to the doctor's appointment to write down what she needed to work out herself before coming to the appointment the next day. Each psychoanalysis session conducted by the doctor, like a healing balm, healed her tortured soul. Even the nights that Elizabeth was so afraid of after the horror that she experienced became expected, because the morning will come after the night, and with it the doctor's appointment. Every day she felt how closer and closer she was getting to a new life.

Most often, Lizie answered everything very stoutly, even the most inconvenient questions, which made Darcy's work easier and accelerated it. Darcy was pleased with the way things were going.

***

-Annie, you don't have a face on. Have you been dancing all night? -Darcy shouted mockingly, turning the girl's nerves even more, and all the words that she had prepared for him that sleepless night flew out of her head. For three days of active flirting and attempts to get Darcy to the cinema under the pretext of "Doc, you need to take a break and get a little distracted from work, otherwise you can get sick" - were not crowned with success. Ann decided to take a desperate step – to tell him everything about her feelings, as it is. Seeing him every day, talking to him and hiding it, not being able to show your feelings became a real torture. She was well aware that if he refused, she would have to resign from the clinic on the eve of the start of such an interesting scientific practice. Today she put on a new dress to add confidence to herself. The saleswomen in a store assured her that she looked stunning in it, and it was very becoming to her. But now, having heard Larsen's taunt, she was standing near the wardrobe for outerwear, fiddling with the top button of her coat with her fingers and did not find the strength to take it off at all. Her dress seemed to her too short, too bright, too spring. Larsen came close to her, almost intimately, violating all the boundaries of personal space. For him, this was a common thing, during the time of working together. They had not kept their distance for a long time and, for him, there was something confidentially native in relation to Annie. But for her, it meant something completely different. Every time, and especially now, she felt this closeness, a special warmth emanating from his body, the smell of his perfume and coffee, a cup of which he often held in his hand, talking to her.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath of the air and with it his smell. It seemed to her that right now she was inhaling him, perhaps for the last time experiencing unity with him in this way.

"Annie, what's wrong? Are you feeling bad? Can I help you? " - he caught her elbow, felt how tense she was all over.

-Doctor ... Darcy, -she was lost, confused, only a resolute thought, to say everything right now, without taking off her cloak, flashed through her pretty head. She couldn't stand his mocking look from her older brother when Darcy saw her in that stupid floral dress that she had liked so much the morning before leaving the house, and refused her feelings. But if he refuses her feelings, she will have to leave, leave forever and never see him again. No, she definitely can't do that.

-I'm not feeling well, - she said quickly, - I have to go home, Doc, can I stay at home today?

-Of course, let me call a taxi!

- No need, I'll do it myself, - Annie whispered and, timidly raising her eyes to Larsen, rushed out of the office.

-Call me when you get home...- a worried Darcy shouted after her, but he wasn't sure if she heard him.

She ran to the bus stop, clutching the lapels of her coat with her hand, pulling them tightly at the base of her neck, so that no one could see a single millimeter of her wonderful spring dress. It seemed to her that being seen in this dress was worse than being completely naked.

When she got home, Annie mechanically, as if in a daze, changed into flannel pajamas, leaving the dress lying on the floor in the hallway. She climbed with her feet into a deep armchair in the living room and wrapped herself in a blanket, carefully covering even her shoulders up to her neck. So, she sat for more than an hour, until she was startled by the phone ringing, which seemed especially loud and sharp.

She had to get out of her cozy shelter, leaving the blanket in the chair, and go out into the hallway to answer the phone.

- Hello.

-Annie, its Darcy. Are you home, how are you?

- I'm resting, everything is fine. Tomorrow everything will be as before, - Annie's voice seemed strange to herself even, icy. She hung up the phone without waiting for Darcy to answer, although she heard him begin to say something hurriedly and anxiously to her.

After hanging up the phone, she was going to go to the kitchen to drink tea, or even eat something. But then her eyes fell on the dress that was lying in her path.

Unable to withstand the tension that had accumulated in her over the past twenty-four hours, Annie gave up. At first, her chest was shaken by muffled, almost soundless hysterical sobs. There weren't even any tears, for a moment she was afraid of what was happening to her. After all, this has never happened before. But emotions got the better of mind.

At some point, she stopped abruptly in her grief, grabbed a pair of scissors from a drawer in the kitchen, with which, returning to the hallway, she tried to cause her new outfit as much pain as she experienced herself. She mercilessly, chaotically chopped it into unequal parts, many small parts, the same ones into which her heart was broken.

The next day, everything really was as it was before. But Annie could not completely hide from Larsen the change that had happened to her. And it was difficult to hide the change in Lizie from the observant Annie. They seemed to have switched places. Lizie began to get up earlier than usual, carefully tidied herself up, preened and dressed up as much as a hospital patient could afford. And Annie hid all her feelings and experiences under a white nurse's robe and a cap, almost did not communicate with Darcy on topics that were distracted from work, and if he asked something, she tried to leave as soon as possible.

***

For several weeks now, Lizie had not understood herself. She even started keeping a second diary – the first one she kept at the request of Dr. Larsen, and in the second she wrote that

Larsen wasn't supposed to know, at least not yet. Until she understands herself, and him, too.

A month and a half has passed since their first meeting, since their first spring, he spent almost all his working time with her and often even stayed late, they worked as partners, it seemed that he was so sincerely interested in her and, of course, there was not only medical and scientific interest. Liszie saw how he smiled at her, how tenderly he looked at her. She enjoyed the new sensations that he gave her with his presence, the sound of his voice. The voices were so different, today serious, tomorrow a little hoarse from a cold, and yesterday full of such sparkling fun that it seemed to her that he was making fun of her by asking his questions. Lizie sometimes felt funny from her own thoughts about how much easier her life in the hospital was before therapy. Injections, pills and to dress warmly, because she was freezing all the time without moving – that was what her life was. Now she wanted so much to look good, no, not good, but attractive, so that he would look at her not as a sick person, but as a girl. In the hospital, when the second year went without buying cosmetics and new things, being attractive turned out to be a very difficult task for Elizabeth. Her parents were far away, there was no one to bring gifts, new things. But their communication on the phone resumed, and the mother's voice, alarmed, not believing in the miraculous recovery of her daughter, slowly became the same, calm and caring. They'll see each other in a couple of days. Lizie began to ask herself a question that had never stood for her before – what will happen after the hospital? Does she want to go home? Her mother kept saying that she was waiting for her at home, that nothing had been changed in her room. And Lizie, so new, so different, did not want and could not go back to her old life.

This morning, Annie and Darcy took turns coming to her and asking strange questions, looking at her as if something was going wrong. Or everything goes like this, it's just the finale has come, and they are both nervous before the key moment of treatment – the transplantation of a piece of Lizie's memory.

****

- Ann, so what do you think? I think she's quite ready for the transplant... - Darcy squinted out of the window.

"Yes, Doc, she's ready," Annie said firmly. – But, in my opinion, not to a transplant, but to simply go out into a normal life. I believe that she has been rehabilitated and Elizabeth can live a normal life, adhering to the doctor's recommendations and being regularly monitored. I don't think she needs a memory transplant anymore. There are two different people - Elizabeth before month in the clinic and Elizabeth now.

– Wait, Ann! - Darcy turned purple when he heard this, - You're crazy! We've been going to this for so long, I've only been doing it, and you're suggesting that we give up everything?! Now that I've reached the final?! When everything is ready, when I'm on the verge of opening!?

-Dr. Larsen, - Annie began in a formal tone, -I want to remind you about the medical oath, that the main thing is "not to harm". And now it is quite obvious that such an experience will bring Elizabeth harm, not benefit. For what take a pill that is not needed and has so many side effects? You are, first of all, a doctor, and after that a scientist, and your patients are not laboratory rats!

Larsen was simply stunned by what he heard from his quiet executive assistant.

-Please go away, -Darcy said softly.

- What? -Ann didn't understand.

-Get out!!!

***

Annie walked down the corridor in a complete confusion of thoughts – she went against someone whom all these years she practically idolized, whom she admired so much, whom she loved so much. Darcy was everything to her, the epitome of the perfect man. He was the first who always teaches her humanity and the primary value of human life.

She would go to Elizabeth right away and talk to her again, maybe he was right after all, maybe Annie herself was wrong, and Lizie really still needed this operation. After all, he can't be so, so...so mean, so unprincipled.

Approaching Elizabeth's room, before knocking on the door, Annie listened and clearly heard a cheerful female voice humming a rhythmic melody inside.

- Hello! Can I come to you? -Annie asked with a smile, sticking one head through the slightly ajar door.

-Oh, yes, of course, come in, - Lizie exclaimed and smiled radiantly.

-Lizie...- Annie didn't know how or where to start... - Lizie, how are you feeling? - There was concern, confusion, and anxiety in Annie's voice. In fact, Annie was afraid to hear what she had already guessed for a long time, that Lizie was healthy, that she was ready to leave here and no longer needed their help, and even more so in such a dangerous and unpredictable thing as a memory transplant. But she could not allow someone, even if it is someone she loves very much, to distort a healthy person because of their ambitions.

- Great, - Lizie responded loudly, - I called my mother, she said that she would come and bring one of my friends to visit the other day, I'm so happy.

- Lizie, and what do you feel, what do you think about when you go to bed?

Surprised and dumbfounded, Lizie did not know what to say, and looked questioningly at Annie. In response, she smiled and put her hand on the patient`s shoulder.

- Lizie, you have no idea how much your silence and the mute question in your eyes mean to me now. You see, if I had asked you the same question three or four weeks ago, you would have answered or reacted in such a way that everything would have become clear to me without an answer. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Lizie swallowed nervously and suddenly hugged Annie tightly, tears springing from her eyes:

-I hardly remember, Annie, I almost forgot!

-You see, it's only been 8 weeks, what will happen when you get out of here, meet new people, visit new places. You will be filled with new thoughts and emotions. There will simply be no place for old memories. - Annie herself could hardly hold back tears, it was so joyful to see this revived girl, full of the desire to live.

- Yes, you're right, - Lizie wiped away the tears that had already managed to roll down her cheeks, and holding back those that filled her eyes again, smiled and hugged the nurse again.

-Lizie, you're healthy, you're healthy, - Annie whispered softly in her ear, while Lizie sobbed, continuing to hug her.

Lizie was happy, like a child, that for the first time she realized that now she can live with her past, and it no longer kills her.

The door opened and Darcy came in. His eyes were full of determination. When Annie caught his eyes on her, she thought that he had decided, after all, decided to abandon his idea - to cripple a recovered person for the sake of experience, fame, money.

-Annie, leave us alone for a while, - Darcy said, looking at Annie, and now she read undisguised anger and irritation in his eyes.

All she had to do was get up and go out. "No, he can't, he can't do this to her!" she repeated to herself.

- How is my favorite patient feeling today? -Darcy smiled and raised his eyebrows. Lizie melted from such a greeting, but it was very nice that he singled her out among his wards. The idea that she could be "BELOVED" because she is the core of his scientific work did not occur to her.

-Great, - Lizie said softly, embarrassed.

- How did you sleep, what did you dream about? Darcy tried to sound as unconcerned as possible. Lizie, who was trying to catch the slightest signs of his feelings for her, did not miss how focused, cold and calculating his gaze became while he was waiting for an answer.

– I slept well, but about the second one - let me keep silent, - Lizie did not dare to raise her eyes to him.

- Oh, my patient has secrets from me, - he gently took her chin and forced her to look at him, - Lizie, you have to tell me, I'm your doctor. If you can't tell me, write it in your diary, I'll read it, remember how we agreed. By the way, where is it? I want to review your notes from the last couple of weeks. He reached for the notebook that was lying on her nightstand.

Lizie fluttered up like a frightened bird, and before Larsen could pick up the notebook, she screamed: "It's not it!"

Larsen held up his hands as if she had threatened him with a gun, but with the same calculating look he caught where Liszie had hidden the pink notebook from him, which she had so fiercely guarded from him just now.

- Well, today is a wonderful weather, go out into the garden, - with these words, Darcy headed for the door.

- Won`t be a session today? -Lizie couldn't hide her frustration, will she really just walking around the garden today instead of spending two hours in his office? Two hours of Darcy's attention, two hours with him.

Darcy, who had set his sights on Lizie's diary, wanted to get her out of the ward by any means. His impatience grew, he wanted to do it as soon as possible, and then this Annie pokes her nose where she is not asked. And along with impatience, irritation began to grow in him. "Is everything really going down the drain and only because someone from the medical staff has their own opinion on my, MY work!"

- Lizie, rest today, I'll think about how we should do better in the future.

- Doctor, you know, Annie said today that I'm healthy. Maybe you can do without a transplant?

Darcy flared up like gunpowder, and for a moment it seemed to him that his heart was about to explode from the frenzied rhythm that filled everything inside and around him.

- Since when do the nurses in my clinic make diagnoses? By any chance, has she discharged you yet? – the first phrase turned out to be so tough and angry. As he said the second one, he forced himself to grin in order to translate everything into a joke.

- Oh, no, don't think anything like that, we just became friends, and after all, I really already feel much better, so I thought that since psychotherapy has had such a positive effect on me, maybe I should limit myself to it.

- Lizie, let me finish your treatment myself, and if you don't trust me as a doctor anymore, then of course I can refer you to any doctor you choose. But I want to remind you how you came to us, and what progress you can observe yourself today, and all this happened thanks to the treatment tactics that I chose. Me, and not Annie, or anyone else in this clinic. I'm a little offended to hear these words from you right now. I have a lot of work to do, you have the right to decide whether to continue your treatment with us or not, but since such a question has been raised, please decide as soon as possible, and preferably by the evening. I have to work.

Abruptly, turning 180 degrees on his heels, Larsen flew out of Elizabeth's room. Lizie wanted to say something else, but the words did not have time to leave her lips, her thoughts were confused. He left her with guilt, fear, and anger at herself. She didn't know that he did it intentionally, clearly understanding that this would help him make her an obedient patient.

***

- Damn, damn, damn!!!! - Darcy raged in his office, the benefit of sound insulation allowed. Everything that could come to hand flew from the table to the floor, he shouted the most terrible words to Annie, to himself. Everything inside him was torn apart, he himself seemed to be divided into two different people – different thoughts, goals, intentions. One part of him cursed Annie and pulverized her. This part of him was thinking about how to get her to leave the project so that she would not dare to prevent him from realizing his scientific dream. This part was already anticipating success, money, fame, unlimited opportunities. This part of him, full of ambition, could not just give up. The other part of Darcy, which had led him forward to the project and the entire first part of Lizie's treatment, shouted at him to stop. So that he would change his work, rewrite the theory. After all, he really cured a person with a severe mental trauma, it was he who did it. Yes, this work will not be so sensational, but by developing and prescribing correctly the methods, would be possible to help a lot of people to return to a full life. Fame, money, success against humanity, against the medical oath.

- Boring techniques are what you have achieved in your whole life, Larsen! -Darcy shouted to himself. - Sit and write methods, maybe someday someone will notice and read them, maybe someone will even like them, and in 20-30 years maybe someone will consider them promising and apply them in practice. Is this what you wanted!? That's all you can do!!! You are a pathetic idiot!!! I wanted the Nobel Prize, recognition in the medical world!!!! Maybe they'll even give you a "professorship" for this, you'll be one of idlers at some backwater university.

When the fuse was over, Larsen collapsed into his chair and stared at the ceiling. After sitting there for about an hour, he realized that the experiment should be abandoned. That Annie was right, absolutely right, and that he should thank her at all for stopping him in time. Larsen decides to postpone the explanations with Annie until the morning, when the passions and resentments will subside in both of them. In the meantime, he would have to get to Elizabeth's notebook, of course, it is very bad to read other people's secrets, but as her attending psychiatrist, he could forgive himself for this.

After making sure that Lizie was in the garden, he went to her room, paying no attention to the call of the nurse on duty on the floor that the patient was not in the room. He just looked at her with an icy look that made the nurse's words seem frozen to her lips. He opened the drawer in which, earlier that morning, Lizie had put a notebook that Larsen had not seen in her possession before.

The notebook was lying there. On the cover there were colored hand-drawn arbitrary floral patterns, they told Darcy as to a psychiatrist that their author was in a good, even elated mood. He imagined how she could draw them, sitting by the window and not looking at what her hand was drawing, her eyes fixed far into the depths, the very heart of the landscape that lay outside her window. Or not, maybe she tried, brought them out as clearly as possible, according to a pre-conceived plan known to her alone. Darcy noticed that it pleased him to think of her. He opened the notebook with a feeling of slight excitement. He also opened his notebook and mechanically copied down the first date there, the day on which Lizie started writing this notebook. He treated what he wrote with detachment, trying to notice only what was necessary for the case, for example, how the intervals between notes changed over time, what she wrote about, how her handwriting changed during these intervals, what was her general mood. All the notes were permeated with only one thing – a feeling for him, for Dr. Larsen. It all started with a description of one of the psychotherapy sessions, in which Lizie could not understand her feelings, with a session where she began to feel not as calm in his presence as it was before.

And it ended with a description of how they had quarreled this morning, and how she was hurt by his rudeness and the fact that he did not notice her attitude towards him. That there was no one in the world closer than him, dearer, and she had never trusted anyone more than Dr. Darcy Larsen. She would give anything in the world if only he would notice her, he would feel similar to those that she is feeling. And she doesn't regret anything in the past, even that terrible night, because that's why she got here, knew him… It was that terrible night that became the main step towards him, it is thanks to her that she is so happy when he is near…

Larsen carefully put the notebook back in same place and mentally reproached himself for not noticing that the girl had been in love with him for so long.

Darcy walked down the corridor and none of those who were moving to meet him escaped a light romantic smile, gliding across his face like a thin, barely perceptible spider's web in the wind. The thought that this gentle, cute creature loves him gave Larsen a unique pleasure. How long he was immersed only in science, how long he denied himself simple human feelings and emotions. Back in his office, Larsen tried to organize the notes he had made in his notebook in Lizie`s room. And analyzing them, he again convinced that the girl is healthy. And most likely the main medicine in this struggle with a mental illness was her love for him.

- Wow, self-healing by feeling! It is a pity that the medical scientific community will not accept such a theory, and in practice it cannot be applied in any way. And, still, it's a pity that everything will be lost like this, it will be lost in vain…I'm the only one she really believes in, me, not Annie, or anyone else. I…

***

All three of them did not sleep well that night. All three of them were looking forward to the morning of the next day. Darcy couldn't wait to talk to Annie and tell her that she was right, that he was canceling the experiment, but at the same time, a treacherous voice inside him, without ceasing, whispered that since Lizie was so trusting and in love, then the transplant could be carried out without any resistance, he just had to remove Annie from the project, and no one and nothing would prevent him from bringing what he started to the logical end.

Annie really wanted to know what Dr. Larsen had decided for himself.

And Lizie just wanted to see Darcy, wanted everything to be as before, so that their psychotherapy sessions would be repeated every day in his office, where he and she would be and all his attention would be focused only on her alone. Even if it's only for two hours, let it be his job. At least this. After all, she had nothing else. She even began to regret that she had recovered, and soon these meetings would end completely.

In the morning, a new patient, a young guy of 29 years old, was brought to the clinic. After a traumatic brain injury sustained in a car accident about 1 year ago, Robert Patton could not remember anything from his past. Not a single fragment for a whole year. There were relatives and friends nearby, everyone loved him and were terribly patient, but the sociable, cheerful guy after the injury turned into a sullen type who did not want to communicate with anyone. That's how he got here, and it was his last hope to regain his memory, to regain the past.

A small commotion was formed in the clinic in connection with the admission of a new. So when Annie didn't come to pick up Elizabeth at 10: 30 to escort her to Darcy's office, Lizie decided to go to Larsen's office herself and find out if there would be therapy today.

***

- Blimey, someone wants to get rid of the past, someone needs to return it. And it is not a bad option. It's a pity that everything has changed. It would have been amazing, they would have suited each other perfectly, -Larsen was talking to himself.

A knock on the door distracted Larsen, who was studying the new patient's chart. He shouted, inviting to enter. Lizie came in, embarrassed, but at the same time very pretty. And remembering her notes from the pink notebook, Larsen smiled at her, and a new sparkle appeared in his eyes when he looked at her.

- Good morning, Doctor, - Lizie was hovering in the doorway, - Annie didn't come for me as usual, I wanted to know if I would have therapy today.

- It will be, of course, it will be, how can we be without therapy? - said Darcy. - Only in an hour. I have to meet a new patient, give instructions to the medical staff. You can come to me yourself, without waiting for Annie, in an hour.

Lizie left, and Darcy went to look for Annie to talk to her about changing the direction of treatment.

***

- Ann, hi! I've been looking for you, I'd like to talk, -Darcy found his assistant in the company of other nurses, gossiping about the new cute psycho who was brought in this morning.

-Yes, of course, Doc. Right now?

-If I may, I have an appointment with Elizabeth in an hour, before that I want to discuss something with you.

They went to Darcy's office. On the way, Annie broke the awkward silence with leading questions.

-So, what are you talking about, Darcy? About the new one?

-No, Ann, it's going to be about Lizie, - Larsen said with a deep sigh, but there was so much sad doom in his voice that Annie realized that he had made the right decision – the decision to abandon the transplant experiments. They had just reached the door of his office. - Come in.

- So, Ann, I wanted to apologize to you and say thank you very much. I was so caught up in this idea that I stopped absolutely following the clinical picture. I talked to Lizie, you were right, she has recovered and can return to normal life, - Darcy smiled bitterly, ruffled the hair on his forehead with his right hand in the direction from the back of his head, and then Annie saw that large, heavy, bitter tears were about to fall from his eyes.

-Doc, Darcy, - Annie rushed to him, and he turned to the window and began to cry loudly and wetly, unable to restrain himself, biting the sleeve of his robe on the forearm of his right hand with his teeth in order to muffle the sobs tearing his chest. Annie didn't say anything else, she just came up and hugged him from behind, thinking to herself that if he didn't want her to look at him in this situation, then she wouldn't look at him. She'll just be around. So, she stood, not uncoupling her hands, until slowly he began to calm down. Annie brought him some water.

- God, Ann, I'm sorry for that too, it's just that it was all too hard for me, and I put so much hope on this case. And now everything is collapsing, or rather it has already collapsed…

- Doc, I do not know of a single case in your work when you have destroyed something. Look at her, you literally glued her, put together parts that cannot be glued together. This is a victory! Darcy, listen, you are a genius, you, without using medications, without using traumatic means, cured her. This is a real breakthrough, and it will also make you famous. Of course, this will not cause an explosion, shock, but there will definitely be an ovation. Only professionals will understand what kind of work you have done.

- Yes, of course, you're right, but I've been going to something completely different all these years. I dreamed of something else, - and he is like a small child who has been distracted from his childhood grief for a few seconds, and now he suddenly remembered it again, began to cry a new wave of tears, even stronger, full of doom and fear.

- Tomorrow you will wake up, and everything will be different, in any case, I think that you have made the only right decision. You just need to change, reconfigure your goals.