rooftopisdead's diary E-Book

Clemens Krugler

• Herausgeber: tredition
• Kategorie: Poesie und Drama
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 80

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Beschreibung

In the modern society it is everyday life to come across others through the internet. Easily a conversation evolves to a frequently paused debate that just doesn't come to an end. At other moments you find friendship that lasts for just as long as you continue to share the hobby of playing the same video games. And sometimes you meet someone in those games you just can't stop thinking about. This book is my diary about falling in love with each other digitally. Every thought has been captured in a secret love letter that never was sent. With few exceptions.

Leseprobe

Clemens Krugler

rooftopisdead's diary

A journey of virtual crush

© 2020 Clemens Krugler

Umschlagsgestaltung:

Clemens Krugler

Lektorat, Korrektorat:

Ricarda Weidner

Sponsor:

Falrango Jatonga

Verlag & Druck: tredition GmbH, Halenreie 40-44, 22359 Hamburg

ISBN:

978-3-7497-7065-6 (Paperback)

978-3-347-06418-8 (e-Book)

Das Werk, einschließlich seiner Teile, ist urheberrechtlich geschützt. Jede Verwertung ist ohne Zustimmung des Verlages und des Autors unzulässig. Dies gilt insbesondere für die elektronische oder sonstige Vervielfältigung, Übersetzung, Verbreitung und öffentliche Zugänglichmachung.

Foreword

This is a diary with entries that haven’t been changed.Switching between American and British in written English seemingly randomly, just as probably most people would, having any other mother tongue than English. Leaving the minor mistakes and every cross reference in rhetorical devices as they are to maintain authenticity. The language barrier that had to be crossed to reach out for each other is an experience that is read best unaltered. Only the names and nicknames of others have been changed.

Before I started to write this diary and after I realized I must stop writing it, it was clear to me, that mostly every english text I wrote in that timeframe was addressed to her. All the other texts I wrote in german – in my mother tongue – were and still are thoughts that I have for myself, without any discussions or recipient to somewhat answer them.

This is a diary. It was published to keep the silent promises once made. But in the end, it was a diary about what happened in my mind. There are no entries and no story gap closers made by anyone else but me, so every entry is to be perceived subjectively. Each of them is meant to be read once in a while. The intensity of the feelings captured could be tough to bear without taking breaks for your own thoughts.

In a game, in which teammates flame each other the most, there

was someone,

someone who decided to stay positive.

We won the game.

We won the seemingly lost game.

But we won.

In the score screen I told that someone

'I will love you forever

Thank you for being who you are.'

She answered 'patience wins' and added me.

This is the beginning of a friendship.

This book is the diary of those

days growing emotionally.

Almost entirely.

for Daphné.

04.06.2014

for rephrasing mistakes with misjudging slightly.

for rephrasing hatred with situational distraction.

for rephrasing emotional reaction with strength.

for rephrasing human nature with hope.

+ gifting Archer

for the creation of the awareness of the mindgame of everyone’s sentimental atmosphere.

for the creation of the awareness of the sentimental atmosphere.

for the creation of awareness.

for creating cohesion.

+ gifting Zen

for making people feel love in your statements.

for making people feel love.

for making people feel.

for making me feel.

+ gifting Cupid Archer Skin

for being such a good person to talk to.

for being such a good person.

for being so good.

for being.

+ gift to ephant: Defender Guard Skin with comment: “defend her”

Thank you.

ag1s's dream:

She was sitting on a beach, I was there too, it was beautiful, but suddenly the water surrounded her, building up many meters above her head and coming closer every second. She woke up.

17.06.2014

2 Things:

1. Your dream. It’s the beautiful picture of what lies beneath the surface.

2. Abuse what you feel for me, convert it to another.I never was a problem, but question whether it's true.

You have the ability to put your feelings where you want them to be.I'm wondering why you didn't do it already.

Do you feel because of me? And not because of you?

Am I the spring you are drinking from? Is that the water from your dream?

Does it taste good?

I started to write you, ag1s.

But I wasn’t able to show you.

The situations barely asked me to.

07.07.2014

you feel close

connected

confused

your emotion

endorsed

embraced

you're soaked

stoked

sensory

you'd face

fence

fend

[no date]

Am I evil? I want to make as much people happy as possible. Am I evil making one sad? Am I making one sad? Am I crushing a blockade between two closed opened minds?

I am not evil. I am the reminder of your thoughts. The impersonification of active truth lies upon my mind. Unreadable in any language. This is my world and words are my minions. I am superior. And the prisoner of the thought, owning people’s emotion is worth anything by itself.

I need to stick together now.

[no date]

Es tut mir Leid, dich zu schätzen zu wissen.

Es tut mir Leid, dir eventuell nicht das gleiche geben zu können.

Es tut mir Leid, dich alleine zu lassen.

Es tut mir Leid, da ich doch sowieso nur auf der Durchreise bin.

Es tut mir Leid, dass ich alleine bin.

Es tut mir Leid, dass ich für alles viel zu dankbar bin.

Es tut mir Leid, die Wahrheit zu sagen.

Es tut mir Leid, deshalb immer zu schweigen.

Es tut mir Leid, dass nur Humor mich zum Reden bringt.

Es tut mir Leid, dass ihr nicht versteht was ich meine.

Es tut mir Leid, dass ich überladen bin.

Es tut mir Leid, dass mir alles auch Leid tut.

Es tut mir Leid, keine Entschuldigung zu haben.

I am sorry to appreciate you.

I am sorry I might not be able to give you the same.

I am sorry to leave you alone.

I am sorry that I‘m just passing through anyways.

I am sorry that I‘m alone.

I am sorry that I‘m way too grateful for everything.

I am sorry to tell the truth.

I am sorry I‘m always keeping silent for this reason.

I am sorry that only humour makes me talk.

I am sorry that you don‘t understand what I mean.

I am sorry that I‘m overloaded.

I am sorry that I‘m also sorry for everything.

I am sorry I don‘t have an excuse.

It took me a straight day to understand

the grammar of your native language.

And a second one to write a poem

just to entertain you being ill.

18.-19.07.2014

Zij is gekeken, een keer maar

Zij is veranderd, maar wel waar

Met je tongetje kan je lieg'

Maar met je oogjes kan je niet

Zijn ooprecht welwillend gezind

Gewild beteren zij gezwind

Vervormde en modeste rust

Eraan onderwierp zich de gunst

Wijden, brengen, blozend' spullen

Kannen met vurig' tee vullen

De herstel alle vermogens

zal niets in haar weg van' wording

haar hoofd zakt zwak in mijne arme

Toestop zij, en fluister:"Goedenacht."

Zachte aaien haar weken haren

Al voor deze mooie zeemeermin

She is seen, just one time

She is changed, but welfare true

You can lie with your tongue

But with your eyes you cannot

Are upright generous-minded

Striving her remedy quickly

Reshaped and modest rest

That‘s what favour is subjected to

Dedicate, bring, blooming belongings

Filling vessels with glowing tea

The recovery all the capacity

Nothing shall stand in her way of becoming

Her Head slips slowly in my arms

Blanketing her and whisper „Good Night“

Gently snuggle her soft hair

Everything for that adorable mermaid

[no date]

I don't deserve you. I'm beset by doubts. I can't stop thinking. I was saying to myself that I'll be aloner forever. I don't deserve you being in my head. You deserve what you are asking for. You understand all of it. You won’t be surprised but bored from what I left behind. You see the doubts that are betraying me now. You are happy even with people around you. We must see the truth in-between us. We don't feel for no reason. We are. You are with me. And I am with… with a part of you. It's splitting myself apart. It's a secret. It hates to be seen. It knows best what will happen. It's going to kill me if I withstand it alone. It already started.

The evil in me talks to me. He asks for my opinion, I won’t answer him. Beating him with the only weapon no higher being can use. Ignorance. I was fighting this human natured weapon since I was born. Am I just making humans easier being kept under control? Maybe I am the devil. No, I did not kill when i had the chance. I am not evil. No evil power was controlling me. Am I good? No, I wish people suffering. I won’t make them suffer by myself. Am I? No evil acts and no good intentions evidence the opposite.

I want to kill myself just to dodge the meeting with the mother of my rationality. I want to see her but I don't want to talk to her. That has been done way too often for nothing. With her I am alone. Without her I'm insane. Now guess what I prefer.

I don't feel lonely, I feel left alone. I'm thankful to everything that happened. But no one is able to hear that when I'm left. Too bad.

I can't sleep trying to think about whatever needs to be thought of. It's nice to see the sun go down. Backwards.

Since when do I write in English? ag1s shall be able to read it. She is the answer to all the questions I need someone else to answer with me. She is perfection. I would love to say I love her. I would also write that I'm scared of what will happen then, but NO! I'm not! I want to see her. And then I want to give her the most emotional embracement for such a long time. She will enjoy it. And then she will smile at me. :)