Slow Provocation E-Book

Pam Stavropoulos

• Herausgeber: tredition
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 241

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2020

Beschreibung

'It's hard to find people you can talk to about this kind of stuff.' She is being consulted in her professional capacity, but his words resonate at a personal level, too. Holly Ladall is a psychotherapist and mother of a young son. She is also increasingly unsettled by a range of things, from aspects of her family history to the unfolding of global events. Can she assist Grant and Aaron, two clients who pose contrasting challenges? Is Sophie, her friend and employee, trapped in a traumatic re-enactment? Are there senses in which she herself might be? In this confronting novel, diverse contexts collide. Against the wider terrain of 9/11 and responses to 'the refugee crisis', personal dynamics intersect with dilemmas of abuse, sex and social justice - to startling effect.

Leseprobe

Slow Provocation

A Novel

Pam Stavropoulos

Copyright © 2020 Pam Stavropoulos

Publisher: tredition GmbH, Halenreie 40-44, 22359

Hamburg, Germany

ISBN

Paperback:

978-3-347-20110-1

Hardcover:

978-3-347-20111-8

eBook:

978-3-347-20112-5

Printed on demand in many countries

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher.

Now nothing can be human unless it is paradoxical.

Joel Kovel

SYNOPSIS

`It’s hard to find people you can talk to about this kind of stuff’.

She is being consulted in her professional capacity, but his words resonate at a personal level as well. Holly Ladall is a therapist and mother of a young son. She is also increasingly unsettled by a combination of things, from aspects of her family history to the unfolding of national and global events.

Needy client, fully integrated therapist. Who believed that anymore? She knows the importance of examining her own responses. But it is also easy to deflect from the questions they raise. And as much as she is trying not to, maybe that is what she has started to do.

In this confronting novel, diverse contexts collide. While believing she can handle the escalating pressure, Holly finds herself struggling in unforeseen ways. Can she assist Grant and Aaron, two clients who pose stark and contrasting challenges? Is Sophie, her friend and employee, trapped in a traumatic re-enactment? Are there senses in which she herself might be? Which is worse - not to know yourself, or to be revealed in all your complexity?

Against the wider terrain of 9/11 and polarised responses to `the refugee crisis’, personal dynamics intersect with dilemmas of abuse, sadomasochistic sex and social justice – to startling effect.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

Slow Provocation is a work of fiction. While transgressive at some levels, it seeks to engage responsibly with the intersecting issues it raises. These include interpersonal and political inequality, sexual expression, traumatic re-enactment, and psychotherapy (for which self-awareness and ongoing selfscrutiny are essential prerequisites of reflective and ethical practice). In this context, distinction is drawn - as it clearly needs to be - between consensual nonconventional sexual activity which is freely engaged in, and that which is fuelled by unresolved and often early-life trauma (for which specialised and potentially long-term counselling is indicated). The need for this distinction is clear but the means of arriving at it may not be. The stakes of discerning and negotiating the boundary between the two is one of several components of the narrative drive.

1

Midday already. Grant from Probation and Parole will be here any minute.

And I’m not ready for him.

But then I’m never really ready for Grant. And I can’t blame that, although I sometimes try, on the distinctive challenges of my profession.

He’s challenging in more ways than the obvious (and there are plenty of those to start with).

The terms of his probation are that he attends weekly sessions with me, his psychotherapist. But his personal motivation for coming, if any, is ambiguous. In advance of his first visit, his Probation Officer told me that Grant believed himself too intelligent for therapy. Combined with the nature of his offence (wilful exposure, of all things) that was hardly an auspicious note on which to begin.

There was more of course. But that didn’t surface until later. I’d built up a mental picture of him in advance, as you do. Give or take a few details (he lacked the anticipated tattoo) his physical demeanour roughly approximated it. Heavy-set, shaved head, diffident posture. But his intellect was as sharp as his nose stud; Grant interrogated everything.

That is part of his problem. Or at least, the rationalisations that come with it. And which fortunately give me something to work with. Here my academic (mis)experience serves me well; I know at first hand the complicities of the mind. But I always feel close to being out of my depth with Grant. There is a sardonic side to him which, with fluctuating amusement and alarm, I can sometimes feel myself responding to.

The sound of the door handle, his step in the hall.

`Hey Doctor’.

He always greets me this way. Despite, or because, of its inaccuracy. Maybe he feels it gives him an edge. His tone, in that habitual salutation, has an element of deference as well as contempt. Resisting the temptation to try to prioritise the two is the only way I can continue to work with him.

`Hi Grant. Take a seat. I’ll just be a minute’.

He sits in the reception area. Maybe the thought that I am disorganised is only in my mind and not in his. After six sessions, I still feel vaguely fraudulent in his presence. Or at least more fraudulent than usual.

That also has to do with the contrast between our respective worlds. His is of impulse and action; mine is more sedentary than is probably healthy either. I could never imagine Grant recording anything on paper or computer screen. The labyrinthine workings of his mind are deployed in more immediate ways. It is as if he thinks all can be enacted, and consequences are of secondary consideration. Though that appals me in obvious respects, it intrigues me as well.

`So how’s it going?’

An elliptical smile as he saunters in, drapes his heavy leather motorcycle jacket on the back of a chair, and eases himself into another.

The first time he entered my little consulting room he had expressed surprise at the absence of a couch (`Aren’t I meant to lie down?) We had exchanged normalising remarks, or as normalising as possible in the somewhat surreal circumstances. And which had involved exchange as to the imagined impression we’d had of the other. When I told him I had anticipated a tattoo, he had said, deadpan, `How do you know I haven’t one?’

Some kind of rapport between us had ignited with that retort. But it always needed to be managed carefully, and I am always on my mettle with him.

`Not so bad, not so good’.

An equivocal beginning. But Grant is articulate when he chooses to be and now is one of those times. He tells me more than I want or need to know about his week (and mine is a profession in which details are important).

I usually let him make the running. Today he is loquacious. And quietly resistant – as always – to the few interventions I make. The hour flies by, as with him it tends to do.

`Well, that’s it for today Grant’.

Initially critical of strict time-limits, I have since come to swear by them.

`See you next week Doctor’.

Doctor, doctor. Gimme a break.

An attempt to get under my skin. But the sense of camaraderie is there as well, along with the ambivalence about female authority that is so clear it scarcely needs noting. Except that it is new slants on the obvious that are so important in my field. And often so damn elusive.

______________________________________

Aside from the effect on my finances (which is hardly an `aside’ in the world in which we live) I like it when I’m not occupied all day. My hardwon self-insight means I am no longer tempted to fill spare time with all the things that could claim it, were I to allow them to. Admin tasks are ongoing. But today they can be deferred a little longer. Immersion in the outside air is what draws me now. And it’s luxurious to be able to still my critical inner voice which has been insistent for so long.

What would my life have become had I not been able to achieve that ability?

Even on a day as humid as this one I shudder at the thought. And hope, as I always do, for the skill to foster that ability in my clients.

Many already have it. Conversely, some need to develop it. The wisdom to know the difference. I think of Grant as I lock my office door. As I emerge into the sensuous immediacy of the day.

Doctor, doctor.

How did it go? Give me the news. I’ve got a bad case of loving you.

Love in all its guises. The search for it, and the need to pull away. Needs for connection, but also for solitude.

It’s a fine balance, isn’t it? I recall the words of Ned, one of my counselling teachers. And don’t assume people are the same in how they manage it. I hadn’t assumed that. Or at least not that I was aware of. I who (thought I) assumed little.

Becoming aware of what we take for granted had been one of our first exercises in class. And in a neat illustration of the point, it had been more difficult for some of us than for others. It had taken me months to approach such seemingly simple directives without internally critiquing them (a point of commonality with Grant?) And longer to accept that they might prompt valuable self-knowledge.

Taking little at face value had served me well up to a point. But wasn’t one of the costs an inability to process certain kinds of experience at all? Having seen myself as receptive in most registers, that possibility had not been palatable to me. Eventually I could concede it. Along with recognition of the losses, as well as benefits, I’d sustained as a result.

With an orientation like mine, how could I not be fascinated by the workings of self-sabotage? In fact I’d wanted to specialise in it. Before realising that this desire, too, showed the legacy of patterns which were not necessarily productive.

It’s important to stay open to the gamut of challenges people face (Ned’s advice at graduation). Attuning to self-sabotage is important but it’s not the only focus you need to hone. Especially when - his grin had precluded my taking offence – you’re already good at it.

`Well thank you very much’.

I could roll with those punches.

`Don’t mention it’.

I owed Ned a lot. He’d been my favourite instructor. And our successful mediation of the current between us had assisted my confidence in my ability to do the work in which, at the early midlife point, I finally realised I had always been interested.

How obtuse can a supposedly intelligent person be? Another area of interest – the strange gratifications of endlessly deferring what you really want to do.

`See you at an addictions conference or something’.

`Yeah. See you’.

_____________________________________

So how am I going to spend the afternoon?

I feel the urge to swim. The heat is so intense the air shimmers. But my personal thermostat had long been hotter, rivalling anything the mercury could offer.

How long had I lived on a slow burn, imploded energy dancing in me like a caged animal?

Some states become so familiar they register as the norm. Which is why it’s so good to know – and feel! – that personal change is possible.

As if on cue, the weather changes as well. A light breeze becomes more insistent. It ruffles the surface of the pool I’m passing (not optimal, now, to stop for a swim). By the time I reach the first set of traffic lights, large raindrops are falling. The kind that land with force. And which splash further drops in their wake.

The rains came (isn’t that the title of an old movie?) After the heat, some relief. Water on the parched earth. Balm for the thirsty spirit. Leaving the windows down, I keep driving. I relish the wetness which is coming in from all sides now; want to park the car so I can give myself up to the cleansing ritual it offers. And do so – a lone figure in a children’s park, who has never looked so bedraggled. And who has never felt so free.

Jack should be with me now. His ceaseless requests for me to play with him would finally yield rich dividends. I play with him a lot. But part normal child, part my own particular child, enough is never enough for Jack.

So can we change who we are; who we’ve been? Can there really be a new beginning in any significant sense? I’ve long been a sceptic, but I want to believe it. Maybe it’s not too late for a new way of operating, a new way of being in the world. As recently as a year ago, my shackles had seemed to be self-imposed. As if annoying impediments I could simply discard at will.

Incredible I could ever have thought that way! Albeit assisted by many societal messages. And then a lot that hadn’t made sense to me started to feel intelligible. I actually felt this, and didn’t just `know’ it! From being distant cousins (at least twice removed) thinking and feeling seemed to slot into place. Like a hand in a glove, like a bolt in a door.

Something flickers in me that I can’t quite identify.

But in some ways it’s still early days. Bottom up change processes can’t easily be accelerated. How can I make sense of all the pieces when it’s only relatively recently that they have started to cohere?

Yes, `the rains came’. Drenched to the skin I am purged anew of old pain. As a child might believe, it is as if this storm has been summoned especially for me.

Hastening to the car, I drive back to my old new life.

2

Footfalls on the bare boards of the floor. Dust specks dance in shafts of sunlight. And unexpectedly, a feeling of excitement which won’t be rationalised.

This is the house in which –

`As you can see, it’s been well-maintained’.

Well-maintained.

I like that. In its outward appearance the house probably mirrored its occupants.

The truths which couldn’t be told. The hairline fracture which would have grown (wouldn’t it?) into an abyss. But the parquet floor had always been polished. And the garden (which her grandfather had tended; it is sadly neglected now) had been immaculate.

`If you look out this window, you can see the remains of the orchard. The original lemon tree’s still there’.

The lemon tree. Beautiful, bitter, and emblematic of so much. She recalled faded photos of her grandparents standing under the lemon tree. Her mother had told of gathering its fruit. Many years later, her uncle Alex had cried under that lemon tree. Or so someone had said.

She couldn’t remember who. As none of the family had been big on disclosure, that information must have been imparted in an uncharacteristically lax moment. Poor uncle Alex, who had a breakdown. `But’, her cousin Bette had said elliptically at their meeting six months ago, `there were others’.

Which others? What others?

She knew it was useless to ask. Had felt fortunate to be the recipient of that much. Chinks of light in the darkness. Clues but not keys.

`The previous owners were gardeners too. But it’s been a long time’.

He is nice, this estate agent. Particularly as he doesn’t have to be. She hadn’t pretended to be a prospective buyer. He is giving her half an hour before the genuine one arrives.

`Real’, `genuine’. What do they really mean? Doesn’t she, the granddaughter of previous occupants, have a legitimate claim as well? He must have thought so too. And she appreciates it.

`See the detail on that mantelpiece?

Impeccable craftsmanship. That’s been looked after as well’.

Well-maintained again. There is no getting away from it. The need to preserve. The material, the memory. But at what cost? She is surprised by the intensity of her responses. At what cost?

He is tangibly sympathetic though. There are many signs of the human being beneath the jobspeak. Every profession has its own parlance. Its own (she hesitates to articulate the word, even to herself) its own `discourse’.

And mine was more jargon-laden than most. Funny how academia had seemed to yield so little after promising so much. But then that had to say something about her, didn’t it? And the inflated expectations with which she had invested it. The flight into intellect. No, she couldn’t now deny that she’d been running.

`And when did the previous occupants buy the house?’

`I think it was around the late 1950s’.

Yes, that would be right. After Grandpa died, when Mum married Dad. And when Grandma went to live with Aunt Nora (which hadn’t worked out at all) prior to entering the facility. How had Grandma felt about moving to the nursing home? Standard wisdom is that elderly people hate living away from family. Was this true in her case? Particularly as living with her daughter (which had apparently been Aunt Nora’s idea) had turned out to be untenable (for what reason?) Years before, as a young woman, she’d been the only one of her siblings (who included four sisters) to move to the city.

Comment from cousin Robert – `Something tells me Grandma was different’.

`Did you want to look at the bedrooms? My client will be arriving in a few minutes, I’m afraid’.

`Of course. I’m sorry’.

Four good-sized bedrooms. She recognises the one with the inbuilt glass mirrored wardrobe. Which had belonged to her mother and which faced the lemon tree. As a child, she’d been fascinated by the photograph of that wardrobe; by the way it refracted so many angles. She remembers, and can almost see, the heavy bedcovers. And the pink afghan rug.

`Thanks very much for this. I really appreciate it’.

`No problem’.

A quick glance into the mint green bathroom, which looks so cool she is tempted to enter it.

Another look at the kitchen and dining area on the way out.

`Are you staying up here long?’

`Just a couple of days. Too much of a city slicker I guess’.

She has spoken unthinkingly. His eyes flicker a little and she reaches for a diversion.

`Could I grab a glass of water? I’m certainly not used to a country summer’.

`Help yourself’.

Shiny tumblers, of the kind she remembers from visits to her aunt. They are lined up along the window-sill. And are vivid colours – purple, fuchsia, gold. Too vivid to have been overlooked when packing (a gift to the new owners?)

`I might even join you’.

She has a ridiculous urge, when they have filled their cups from the tap, to click them together. To propose some kind of toast. And catches a further glimpse behind the professional mantle when he glances at her before lifting his tumbler – purple, it catches the light – to his lips. He is wearing braces of the kind her grandfather might have worn fifty years earlier. Likely standing in that very spot.

Whisky and soda? Gin and tonic? And would her grandfather have moved towards Grandma and placed his hand beneath her clothing? Pulled her toward the bedroom or even onto the linoleum floor? For she knew their relationship had been tempestuous. The agent is looking at her as if such isn’t beyond the realm of possibility in their case.

As it may not be. For she suddenly feels it might not be inappropriate to couple with a stranger on the floor of her late grandparents’ house. Some moments of pleasure, of forgiveness. Benediction even. For all she knew, they may have approved (and where had her previous restraint left her?)

But footsteps sound outside. There is the muted thud of the door knocker. It is the `genuine’buyer, and the moment is lost.

`Well thank you again’.

The gold tumbler dazzles as she places it in the sink.

`My pleasure’.

It could have been.

______________________________________

But how could she meaningfully access the period of her grandparents? When it so predates hers and when so few of the principals are still alive? And why, in any case, might it be important to try?

For much of her life she’d lived as if without forebears (didn’t most kids do that?) What of the distant past could possibly be of interest to her immediate present? Yet she also knew that didn’t quite wash. That she’d long intuited things which hadn’t been spoken about. That she had wanted (needed?) to know more. Things which had directly affected her upbringing. And – who knows? – her seemingly conscious adult choices.

It is interesting how few things in her life seem to have been the product of choice. She’d once chanced on a book (was it chance?) that had confirmed the feelings she’d been so adept at rationalising.

The point at which we believe ourselves to be most in control of our life paths (so said the book) is the point at which we are most conforming to prior and largely unrecognised patterns.

Memory of reading those words is enough to re-experience the frisson they had generated. As her `life path’ at the time had reached what seemed to be a dead-end, she had been in little position to argue (when argument had been her forte; it was another sign of things gone awry). Her primary relationship in tatters, a young baby to care for, her job increasingly difficult to sustain. How had all that come about?

Logically and mechanistically, the course could be charted. But a deeper logic also seemed to be operative. Could she deny, as she had then wanted to, that the specifics of family background — most of which were unknown to her — had played a significant role?

That had been three years ago. She’d recovered (some of!) her scepticism. And is unprepared to see family history as the source of present predicaments. Maybe she is now veering towards some kind of equilibrium. To a realistic reading, if such is possible, of the different faces of time. In any case, it now seems naive arrogance to dismiss the contemporary impacts of how forebears had lived (and if she had previously wanted to, from what had she been trying to get away?)

The air is still heavy with summer. Flowers are rich in their colour, and the ever-present sound of cicadas is a muted shriek.

She orders iced coffee in a cafe. And wishes she’d planned her trip better to see more than her grandparents’ former home. As far as she is aware, most of her mother’s family has left the region.

But here are her previous limits again, staring her in the face. As far as she is aware. Relaxing conscious control is still a hard thing to do. Maybe, at this moment in the cafe, she is sitting across the table from a distant relative. In her near somnolent state (she is certainly unused to this heat!) she can almost see materialise before her the outline of a man (or is it a woman?) in period dress. The eyes have an edge of familiarity; the half-smile (or is it a grimace?) an air of self-mockery she has seen before. And a fragment of song lyric comes back to her (Wings, isn’t it?) Brother Michael, Auntie Gin – open the door and let them in. She does want to. Now she does. And dreams that night — in the starched cleanliness of a rural guest house — of ghostly figures joined in complicity. Yet who are eager to include her in their conversation.

____________________________________

`OK. This exercise may seem familiar, even if you haven’t done it before. I want your first reaction – your first, mind – to the words I say’.

`Jesus, Damien. I thought that kind of stuff went out with Rorschach tests’.

`Well, they’re still around too, though less common than they used to be’.

`They’d want to be’.

`Stop stalling. Sibling’.

`What?’

`That’s your first word - `sibling’. What does it connote? And don’t think, feel!’

`Cinderella, I guess. Ugly step-sisters’.

Shocks herself somewhat with that (where is her feminism? Is intellect a mere overlay after all?)

`Love’.

`Hate’.

`Baby’.

`Bunting’.

`Fish’.

`Fish?! Um – tropical’.

`Pride’.

`Fall. How am I doing, Doc? Just as well I know you. I wouldn’t be doing this with someone I didn’t’.

`Maybe that’s part of your problematic. Trust’.

Slipped that one in.

`Earned’.

`Right’.

`Sometimes’.

`Caution’.

`Fear’.

He had glanced up at that point. And she had felt disconcerted. How long was this going to go on? And how revealing could quick responses to general cues possibly be?

`Conformist’.

`Dead’.

Mutual laughter. They were both surprised this time by the vehemence with which she had uttered the word. She was taken aback all round.

`End of session?’

`End of session’.

They had had coffee after her late class, and after his last client. She remembers how they were almost the only people in the servery (which was unusual). And of how the staff had kept glancing across at them, likely hoping they’d leave so they could go home.

`So what’s the verdict?’

He had smiled patiently, as he tore the paper from his sugar serve and poured it into his cup.

`Come on, Holly. You know there’s no `verdict’ as such. And even if there were, you’d be rightly wary of subscribing to it. One of your responses even indicated as much. Actually, more than one as I recall’.

She had been reminded again of why she liked him. Her reservations about trust didn’t seem to apply to him (and yet that was intuition again, so how did the `earning’ of trust apply?)

`Yes, but – I want your views. Else why do the exercise at all?’

`Views one thing. Verdict another’.

He was right of course. Yet his literalmindedness jarred a little as well. It reminded her of the limits of their friendship. In a sense, he was the perfect person for this; they were both distant and close. And he had psychology credentials.

`Well, for what it’s worth, we’ve mentioned one already. You don’t seem to trust easily. Your responses were also divided between common pairings. As in love/hate, pride/fall, with a bias toward the negative. And unexpected ones- like conformist/dead and tropical fish!’

He had seemed to wait for her comment. But she had been unable to formulate one.

`Baby bunting’ might seem a predictable pairing. But it actually isn’t in this exercise. And then there are the more ambiguous ones. Like caution/fear. That could suggest both your fear, and your dismissal of the need for it (as in `cautious people are fearful people’). Your conformist/dead response perhaps implies the latter. `Cinderella’ and `ugly stepsister’ are unusual for `sibling’.

They had both laughed.

`All in all, it’s a mixed picture which emerges’.

She had checked her disappointment (was she the archetypal non-believer who nevertheless longed to commit?)

`So nothing clear-cut?’

He had looked surprised again.

`Did you expect there to be?’

______________________________________

Her belated attempts to connect with what she’d cut off from.

One emotional cut-off always leads to another. So said the book that had impressed her prior to enrolling in the counselling course.

It had been impossible to meet her father emotionally. She knew of no one with whom he had had a close relationship. Or sustained emotional contact at all. There never seemed to be anyone home in him. Now there is unexpected pain in that. Before it had just been the way it was.

`Dad! Can you read me a story? Dad?’

`What?’

The head slowly raised, as if with great effort. The eyes that lacked any kind of spark.

`It’s OK’.

It wasn’t of course (how could it have been?) But that wasn’t recognised then. It was as if her father had always been like that, rather than what he had become. Striking to ponder the possible discrepancy now. And still hard to accept that her (non)relationship with her father had affected other relationships she was – or wasn’t – to have.

Her feminism had come relatively late. But is underlined now, such as it is, as she rummages through the country phone directory. Most of her great-aunts and female cousins would have lost their names to their husbands (as they had initially assumed their fathers’ in any case). All the women in the family had married. And while they’d apparently stayed in the area, their female descendants would be hard to track now. It is likely, of course, that the family name is recalled locally. Possibly she need only wander into one of the older stores to garner some leads.

And is just considering this option when the estate agent appears again. He has spotted her in the cafe, and saunters across to chat.

`Acclimatising to the heat, then?’

He is difficult to read. Which is not unattractive to her. He could be genuinely solicitous, slightly mocking, or completely neutral (well perhaps not the latter, as he has elected to stop and speak).

`You weren’t long with your buyer’.