Sometimes I Wanna Scream, Instead I Write. E-Book

Magnolia D. Reeves

• Herausgeber: Books on Demand
• Kategorie: Poesie und Drama
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Seitenzahl: 88

Beschreibung

This is a book about love and about heartbreak, about tears and about joy, about families falling apart and about society, about the highs and the lows of life in every way. Over the course of two years the author has used writing poetry as a coping mechanism and as a way of understanding the world. As we know, a lot has happened in those two years. Families fell apart, friendships ended, the world got locked down and that is only a tiny glimpse into what this book deals with. This book contains a lot of pain, manifested in verses and words. Simultaneously it conveys a lot of hope because sometimes all you need is the little thing called hope. And whoever you are wherever you are, the purpose of this collection of poems is to make you feel understood, less alone and maybe a tiny bit hopeful. It is a journey through the darkness into the light. Expressed in poetry.

Leseprobe

FOR YOU AND FOR ME,

for those who brought me pain,

for those who taught me love

and for those who made me the person

i am today.

dear reader,

if you’re reading this book, you’re either into poetry or going through something just the way i did. and maybe you’re looking for a solution to all your problems here. truth be told: i don’t have one. i don’t have a solution for whatever you’re struggling with. i can’t heal your broken heart or glue broken pieces back together. but i can promise you that you’re not alone with what you’re feeling. i have been there, in a deep hole similar to yours. i’ve experienced it and i promise there are better days coming. never give up on the little thing called hope. i’ve been writing since i was a little child. back then i wrote christmas poems for my family each year. in second grade i wrote a poem about what friendship meant to me. it had only six lines and was as profound as a poem from an eight years old child could be. and still: writing always had some sort of healing effect on me.

i have always written to understand my surrounding and what was happening to me better. sometimes the pages in my notebook blurred through my tears. sometimes my words allowed me to relive the first moment i ever felt butterflies in my stomach. writing has been my solution to all the shit that happened it the world. every time i felt as if i was being overdramatic, i grabbed my pen and wrote an even more dramatic poem. and it always helped. poetry has been my way of coping throughout my teenage years. poetry has helped me tremendously with moving forward and growing up. and maybe my words can accompany you on your way of moving forward and growing up, no matter what age you are. each and every person is going through something. for me it was anxiety, loneliness and the feeling of never being enough. whatever it is for you, i can’t heal your wounds but i can help you get through it. we’ve been in this together the second you reached for my book.

sincerely yours,

the author.

CHAPTERS

THROUGH THE DARKNESS

NEVER SAID OUT LOUD

CONQUERING THE WORLD

INTO THE LIGHT

ONE THROUGH THE DARKNESS

i am feeling lost and empty

the worst feeling in the world

worse than being sad

even worse than overthinking

hopelessness – nothing is as bad

numbness, no feelings to cling on to

drowning in the void

crying would be freeing

still, i can’t seem to cry

not feeling anything

happiness is such a precious gift

not thinking twice, going for it, just doing things

my hope, my luck, my smile –

all those things are lost

i’d do anything to go back in time –

what does it cost?

i want to go back to the moment i fell

avoid the cliff and let myself grow wings

i can’t even pinpoint what pushed

and pulled me down

want to be one of those happy pink glitter girls

that are in movies shown

-lost and (not) found

sometimes everything is good and right

and things still go wrong

so marvelously wrong

it takes one second, it takes not long

when everything is too much to take

and the room starts closing in

and suddenly it seems too small

i fill pages in seconds

like leaves litter the ground in fall

writing is my way of coping

the only way to calm the storm

that is raging inside my head

while sad songs fill the darkness

surrounding me, the pathetic figure in my bed

afraid to speak up, afraid to stay silent

thought a lot and overthought a lot

i could write a novel about my mind

but that would be the saddest plot

it’s probably just me being dramatic though

i’m hurting, screaming but weirdly okay

because that’s what i have to be

and that’s just a normal average day as me

-my “pretty damn normal”

talking to somebody might help

but talking has never been a strength of mine

i’d rather pretend

and have everybody think i’m fine

i want to tell them what i’m struggling with

but i’d rather have my loved ones happy

and that’s the truth even if it sounds so sappy

i can’t talk to the people i love

don’t want to burden them in any way

or maybe i’m just afraid that they won’t stay

i hate being this problematic, this dramatic

i want to be an optimist

but that’s a thing that’s still on my bucket list

it’s ironic: looking forward to the weekend

and still hating it, wanting it to end

days of loneliness, not knowing what to do

because there is so much

but i just don’t have the strength to

people make me want to run

and lock myself away

right now, though i’d rather be nervous

than hopeless and sad

i want to leave and escape my life, my body

i look forward to the noise distracting me

to laughter and familiarity filling the room

i could really use a hug and that’s okay

while looking forward

to the torturously slow coming monday

-noisy weekend void

falling for fictional characters has always been so easy

admiring friends, admiring relatives, but never admiring myself

even though they say you have to love yourself before anybody else

but i never really loved myself, never really wanted to be me

apologizing for speaking, for laughing, for feeling

because they are bored and annoyed just by me being there

because nobody enjoys talking to me, would ever do it willingly

but eventually i just wouldn’t want to talk to me, that’s my thing

the shadows overwhelm me whenever i think too much too long

the fear of them judging me when i’m the only one doing so

the fear of them only pretending to like me when i can’t even pretend

sometimes the raging storm inside my mind is way too strong

i overthink, get too nervous to go out on some days

so many mistakes for me to make, so many things to go wrong

tiny things nobody would ever think of suddenly are huge and scary

but i can’t help it so i paint my world in black and grays

-worry gives small things a big shadow

our teacher once told us that using smart words isn’t the same as being smart

yet – some words make language seem like art

nobody knows what some words actually mean

they’re getting read, not understood, just seen

hiding feelings behind smart words is easier than anything

because we don’t look behind the curtains, don’t care about understanding

make up hides many forms of pain

just like that do beautiful sounding words for sad things the same

i choose to smile and nod when asked if i am fine

the choice to be an eccedentesiast 1 is mine

i don’t know who i am

feel like i don’t know myself at all

when i’m shy – it’s not me, it’s my anxiety

when i’m confident – it’s not me, it’s only a damn wall

i’m trying my best to be okay

my mum thinks those are only lyrics to a song

trying not to let her see the salty drops running down my face

smiling and laughing when she walks in

because i’ve been doing that for way too long

-to anson seabra, whose songs have often made me cry

school project

i don’t want this night to end,

don’t want to see the light

i’m going to cry myself into oblivion

and hope this night will never end,

i hope it lasts forever

i’m sorry for disappointing you

over and over again

even though you don’t ask for many things

i still can’t seem to make you happy

i’m sorry for hurting you

over and over again

even though you’re way too good for me

i still can’t seem to figure out how to be what you deserve

i’m sorry for making you feel worth less than you are

over and over again

even though to me you’re smart and funny and the light of every room

i still can’t seem to make you feel as special as you are

i’m sorry for not being enough

over and over again

even though you deserve the best, deserve the world

i still can’t seem to give you the tiniest piece of that

i’m sorry for loving you when you actually deserve the world

and that world isn’t me

promises are meant to be broken

loyalty is only a social construct, a meaningless word

trust is something you should have in nobody but yourself

expectations? cross that out completely

promises – why did i believe they are meant to be kept?

when all promises just end up being lies

i keep them, set my priorities but i’m the only one

promises are meant to be broken

loyalty – no lying, cheating or betraying

it isn’t that hard but why should i be loyal?

why be loyal when you can think about nobody but yourself?

loyalty is only a social construct, a meaningless word

trust – opening up the heart, letting people in

still, i always choose the wrong ones to let in

or maybe there’s no right and wrong and people suck

trust is something you should have in nobody but yourself

expectations –i always told myself not to get too fond of them

but i careless and naïve because you changed me

you taught me hope and i expected you’d be the one i could trust

expectations – cross that out completely

i should’ve known it because it happens every god damn time

nothing lasts and nobody stays

i shouldn’t trust because i’ll end up getting disappointed

or maybe i’m just the disappointment

tw: eating disorder!

when did i go from eating carelessly

to either exercising every day or hating me?

when did i go from seeing my reflection and not feeling sorrow

to pinching my flesh, criticizing the person i see in the mirror?

when did i go from eating sweets and pizza without a second thought

to being afraid of eating in public because i feel caught?

when did i go from seeing and acknowledging my beauty

to rather being sad, depressed and moody?

when did i go from happiness

to exercising more and eating less?

well – maybe that’s modern-day society

-when

life doesn’t go the way we want

it never did, it never will

“but it’s okay”, she says

with tears running down her face

sometimes we’re alone

with only ourselves, our mind and our thoughts

“but it’s okay”, she says

silently screaming into the void, begging for someone to hear

on some days we can only watch life pass by