The day everything Changes E-Book

Regina Jansen

• Herausgeber: Mijnbestseller.nl
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Niederländisch

Seitenzahl: 364

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2024

Beschreibung

What would you do if you lost your job and your life in one chapter? I forced Vera van Kampen into such a situation because I wanted to take her to Vlietdam where she found her love and could build her life there. She faced difficulties that are a part of life and found her life in a small border village of Vlietdam.

Leseprobe

The day everything changes

Regina Jansen

Auteur: Regina Jansen

Coverdesign: Regina Jansen

ISBN: 9789403729466

© <Regina Jansen>

Chapter 1

You know the feeling that you suddenly lose everything within a day? Sometimes your life goes on quietly for years, in which little happens and you feel like you are falling asleep, but suddenly everything turns around, a very fierce storm comes up and all kinds of things happen. In a short period of time your whole life is turned upside down. I had such a day.

But let me introduce myself first so you know who I am. My name is Vera van Kampen, I am 24 years old and I had an office job in a warehouse where the work was easy, often even boring and the colleagues were usually nice. I lived with Fabian in his apartment in the center of the city and the days off were filled with going out, shopping or doing nothing. I didn't have many hobbies. Just enjoy life with nice clothes and good food. My Motto back then: life goes well as long as it goes well. Only later did I see how superficial this all was. But now more about the day I lost everything. It sounds dramatic but I just see it that way although afterwards I could scratch off the varnish layer and get the real thing out, but we are not there yet.

As usual, the alarm went off at seven. I got up, put on my clothes that I had already put out the night before, put on my daily make-up and kissed the sleeping Fabian who was still comfortably in bed. In the kitchen I quickly grabbed a cup of coffee and a cracker and rushed to work in my Volkswagen in the industrial estate on the edge of town. Every day I was always late for a good parking space and so today I parked my car far out of the parking lot and walked in the drizzle, hurriedly with big strides to the staff entrance. There in the hall when I wanted to check in, was unusually busy with people and also very noisy. They got in each other's way. I didn't even get to my desk! Mister Nieuwenhoven, our chef could barely raise his voice above the crowd; "everyone to the cafeteria." I remember looking at the colleagues and shrugging my shoulders and being led to the cafeteria with the crowd. There were a number of men sitting at a couple of tables, busy removing all kinds of papers from their briefcases. More and more people entered the small cafeteria and I stood at the edge of the window and listened vaguely to the buzz. Some colleagues were a lot smarter and quickly grabbed coffee. It took quite a while making me impatient and actually I was disappointed because I had quite a bit of work to do. This was wasted time. It was hot there.

I unzipped my jacket and hoped that the announcement would be over soon so that I could start the day quietly behind my desk. People from the shop floor and the warehouse also came into the small canteen, making it even more cramped. In retrospect I thought it was so incredibly stupid and naive of myself that I didn't see the signs before. I knew the business was not going well but I had no idea it was that bad. I loved working there, didn't think twice and found the work so easy. Time usually passed quickly. The director was the first to speak and after the first introduction about economic interests and the bad times I actually lost my focus and looked a bit out of the window. Still rain. I would have liked to see the soup of the day, but the small cafeteria was so stuffy and the windows were fogging up so quickly that I couldn't see anything. I looked at the backs of the colleagues and we were all crammed into the small canteen where we have our own break time in groups. Out of nowhere I heard the word bankrupt. I was stunned. I think I was open-mouthed listening to the emotional, strong murmurs and grunts that hurt my head. I didn't believe my ears. Bankrupt? We? And I had just received my salary back a good week, but yes days too late.

I didn't get much more. I believe a lot of questions were asked and those gentlemen filed for bankruptcy and I knew I just lost my job. I felt dead and must have reacted like a zombie. Afterwards I don't remember going to the car but I do know that I sat there for a while, staring blankly at the drops of rain on the windshield and how they mixed and made lanes down the window. All my colleagues were at work and I was in the car. The buzzing in my head continued. Something in me decided that I had to go home and I was the only one left there. Everyone was comfortable inside and I went home. The ride back is automatic. I don't know anything about that anymore. When I got home I got a warm feeling for the first time because I saw my girlfriend's red car. And Fabian still wasn't gone. How sweet, how terribly sweet of Marlieke. I usually went into town with her and she was almost always there when we went out. She must have known that I lost my job. She must have read in the newspaper and went to me to support me. That made me feel so good.

I parked the car across the street because everything was full with us and went inside quickly. I just thought it was so weird that there was no one in the kitchen or room. It was so quiet and I didn't see Marlieke's coat anywhere. Strange. Astonished at this I went upstairs, half expecting to hear a boo from a corner but nothing happened. I did hear a noise from the bedroom and went hesitantly towards it. From the hallway I saw Fabian busy with Marlieke. They had a fierce lovemaking! They announced it loudly. The bed creaked and shook. My boyfriend and my best friend. My mouth fell open, I never thought that! And I felt so stupid. So unbelievably stupid! I was stunned, frooze on that spot.

I was glad that the two got along so well, but I never thought that. The shitty feeling broke in my body. I trembled, took another step toward the stairs. It's so hard to think about this and I still feel the pain and anger because I should have said something really sarcastic or yelled out loud. But I did none of this. I fled the house alone, crossed the street without looking, quickly got into my car and drove off. It was only a few blocks away that I stopped and trembling all over, I cried a little, almost hysterically. In a school parking lot I cried hard with my fist in my mouth and kept seeing Marlieke and Fabian in front of me. They haven't even seen me. This is all so unbelievable. I lost my job, my boyfriend and best friend. And all this in a day and within a few hours. It wasn't even noon yet. Finally I calmed down and looked at the rain on the window. Well and now what?

I stood there for half an hour in the parking lot and then drove to the gas station to fill up. I was thinking about going to a hotel and sort of making a plan, but the idea didn't take shape in my head. I just couldn't think. Where should I go? I was completely paralyzed and felt incapable of confrontation. This was the worst day of my life and I had no idea how to get out of this. You know, I don't have any family left to turn to. The van Kampen family, which was already small, had died out early on. My parents died in a car accident a long time ago and I have no brothers or sisters. My grandfather passed away a little over a year ago and I had inherited his farm as the only relative of his. I haven't done anything with this yet because I couldn't decide what to do with the farm. The holidays and the time I spent there bring back sweet memories. My grandmother's famous apple pie, the gooseberries from the garden, where jam was always so delicious, playing outside around the yard with the dog they had then and the tasty eggs from the chickens. I was thinking about that when I was refueling. And suddenly I missed my grandfather and my dear grandmother who passed away a few years ago. Because of my departure to the west of the country, I saw little of my grandfather in his last years. I barely looked him up. I did go to his funeral, but I only remember the loneliness that has always surrounded our family. Suddenly as I packed my purse to pay I wished with all my heart that I was that little girl again who could go to the farm with the five cows and that there was always someone who could give me a home. I suddenly missed that so much! My eye fell on the covered trailers, intended for rental, and I unconsciously made a decision. I'm going back to the farm.

Half an hour later I drove my Volkswagen and trailer back to Fabian's apartment and to my great relief the parking lot was empty. They were gone. Hastily, I parked the trailer backwards and opened the hatch of the car. My hands were shaking so bad when I opened the front door and running through the rooms I first checked if there really was no one there. There was no one. The bedroom didn't look like sex had happened a while ago. He had opened the upstairs window and there was still the same bedding. That bastard. He hadn't even changed it. How long was this going on? I've been busy like crazy. Threw my clothes in the car. I threw my make-up stuff and even the dirty laundry in the trunk. My books, DVDs and CDs. My little simmering things and figurines, the old smoking chair that had belonged to my parents, everything in the trailer. The laptop and the administration on the passenger seat with the large envelopes containing the letters from the notary with the key to the house. My bag came on top of that. On a cabinet was a large photo of Fabian and I, smiling happily, once taken on a summer vacation, in a silver frame. I picked it up and looked at us. We had bought the frame together and I had paid for it, I suddenly remember. In a fit of rage, I tossed it into the sink.

The stereo (mine) went in the backseat, my shoes and boots I threw in the trunk. I have never worked so hard. I was so afraid that Fabian would come home because I couldn't handle him. I didn't know words for him. My heart was beating in my throat. Sometimes I had too much in my hands because I didn't have to forget anything. The table lamp I had bought at a flea market went with me and that brought tears to my eyes. I realized I was giving up, it felt like a decision had been made through no fault of my own. The large mirror with the beautiful gold frame that I luckily got in one piece in the trailer and all the toilet paper that was in the house. I threw all my candles in the trailer. With the collection of candlesticks I was once so busy with. Actually, the washing machine should also have come with me because I had paid for it, but lifting that thing down the stairs was way beyond my power, so I left it there. Finally, my Buddha statue went into the trailer. Everything was shaky and crooked there. I looked at the house one more time and closed the front door. That was it, my life with Fabian and he didn't know anything yet. A stab went through my heart and I felt so tired, my leg ached from carrying the big smoking chair. I had stumbled badly on it. I walked to my Volkswagen and glanced at the facade of the house. I still felt strange and numb. My head was still buzzing. Just to be sure, I checked whether the trailer was properly secured because now my entire possessions were in it. I was so glad the trailer was locked. In fact nothing could fall out, got into the car and pushed some more stuff away and fastened the seat belt.

I took a few deep breaths and swallowed the emotional chunk. Come on girl, you're going home. The car started and I drove off. Away from the apartment, away from the city, back home. I looked at the dashboard clock and tapped it in disbelief. What? Only two o'clock in the afternoon? It felt like days had passed. I drove out of town, onto the highway, and did everything at my leisure. There was no point in rushing. The traffic lights were almost all green so I literally got the green light. It didn't take long before I was on the highway. But I felt tired and the shaking of my hands started again. So I stopped at the gas station. I hadn't eaten anything all day. In the parking lot I grabbed my bag and took out the wallet. But where was my cellphone? I turned everything upside down in hopes of finding it. My lipstick, driver's license, a pen, tissues but no cellphone. Phew, I was hoping I had it somewhere else in the car but I think it's still in Fabian's apartment. Had I left my cell phone with the keys when I was packing everything? I wasn't sure. I ran my hands through my hair and sighed again. Everything went back into the bag, closed and checked three times whether I had locked the car and I walked to the gas station. I came back with a cup of coffee and a healthy sandwich, some bottles to drink, a few slices of chocolate and almost twenty euros poorer and there I first ate the sandwich with the coffee. I threw the rubbish in the car, didn't feel like walking to a trash can.

It wasn't raining but the sky was gray. I looked at other people, at truckers and saw the traffic speeding on the highway. The shaking went away but I was still tired. The strong coffee did give me a boost, enough to drive on. With the radio with reasonably cool music on I continued. I still had an hour to drive. And even the sun shone for a moment on the highway. At the last gas station before I had to get off the highway, I stopped again for a stop to the toilets and another coffee. There I fumbled in the dashboard, hoping to find the route planner there, but it wasn't there. I think it was in Fabian's car. I didn't know this either. I thought I could find it myself, although I hadn't been there for a long time. But I got hopelessly lost at the detour for a new bypass when I took the exit. Between road workers and loops old and new road, I didn't arrive at the right place. I believe it took almost an hour with many turns and detours and the rain came again. That made me despondent and the radio went off. My frustration set in. Everything became too busy for me. That's why I parked the car in front of a village near an information board. I sat there for a while trying to figure out how to proceed. I looked up the address and tried to remember a route for myself on how to drive. It was already getting dark. But again I got lost. It looked so easy on the map but I couldn't find it. In my memory it was different and the frustration and my lousy street knowledge made it worse. Sometimes I passed the same spot three times, each time from a different direction. I didn't know anymore. The chocolate doesn't help me either and by now it was completely dark.

I had enough, couldt take the situation anymore and the tears were so high. That's why I first looked for a hotel in the area, but either there were no hotels or they couldn't be found. Then park the car somewhere and ask for directions, but most people didn't know or they didn't steer me in the right direction. Suddenly I was so fed up that I parked the car in a parking lot somewhere on a kind of industrial estate where all kinds of trucks were parked and I sat there for a long time, dived deep into my jacket and looked at the dashboard clock -8:43 pm- when I turned off the ignition.

And there I was. Felt defeated and so terribly lonely. No one to be seen and of course it started to rain again. I started to cry again. The napkins from the gas station were not enough. Never have I felt so alone and lonely. It was as if the bottom had been knocked out from under me. I didn't know what to do and my idea of going to the farm was so wrong. I couldn't even find it. Can I call someone? But I didn't know a phone number. That was in my cellphone and it was missing. I pushed the chair back as far as I could and pulled a coat over me. I knew of no other place to spend the night there. I've never had such a bad night. I got very little sleep. It got cold in the car and sometimes the rain pattered on the roof. I couldn't lie down properly and I brooded a lot. It became a whirlpool of emotions. Sometimes I felt tears slide, luckily it was dark and I was alone and no one saw my red, swollen face. I didn't know where I had put my makeup so I couldn't dress myself. Sometimes I looked at the sky and every now and then I saw a bit of moon through the clouds along with a few stars but it was too cloudy to see more. And dark it was. No one came where I was. Nobody knew where I was. Thinking back, I discovered that my life was very superficial. The people I thought cared about turned out to be cheating on me. And the work became a dead end. I couldn't concentrate well on myself, sometimes I felt like a robot and sometimes so terribly lonely and very unhappy. I looked at a tree that stood in a kind of berm where the moon could sometimes be seen through the branches. Then it got even darker and I couldn't see the moon and the tree anymore. The night seemed to last forever. There was no end to it. Sometimes I thought of Fabian and Marlieke, but that hurt too much. So I didn't do that anymore. Sometimes I would think about the farm with my grandmother who passed away when I was a teenager. I couldn't remember what she died of… was I at her funeral? I didn't know that anymore. And then the message came that the neighbor Gerda Wijkstra had found my grandfather. He was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for death to come for him. I went to the notary, time when I could hardly take time off, to hear that I had inherited a farm. I didn't know what to do with it, but I did pay the WOZ value, which cost me almost my entire salary. I put off the decision to sell the farm and the weeks turned into months and now that I needed it so much I couldn't find the farm. Somehow I was afraid it no longer existed. I drank some water and ate the last chocolate and dived deep into my coat and closed my eyes. The black sky slowly turned dark blue and a lighter gray-blue followed on the horizon. On this cold, rainy winter night I saw the sky turn pink. The night slowly faded to the day.

The day I lost everything was finally over.

Chapter 2

The industrial estate slowly came to life. A truck drove by very quietly, a couple of men in work clothes on their bicycles, a car drove to work and I sat there in the car and looked at all those people. I felt tired, hungry and dirty. The day was getting more and more gray and it got a bit busier. Eventually I stood very stiff from the car and felt cramps in my legs. I walked around my car and trailer, trying to get rid of some stiffness. It was early and still quite cold, but luckily it had stopped raining. I looked indecisively at the world around me. Just twenty-four hours ago, I had all this too. A deep sigh and I got into my car and fastened the seat belt. I took a deep breath and started the car. It was only half past seven. Slowly I drove away from my night spot and joined the traffic. Everyone went to work.

After a big turn I finally knew where I was. From there I got back on track. In daylight everything is different. I even found a signpost to the village of Vlietdam. I had to be there. Twenty minutes later I finally arrived at the Oaklane. Finally found! Now looking for number fifteen. Thanks to the number plates on the road it was easy. I slowed down. Still slower than sixty km per hour, the maximum speed. I got a sense of excitement. This was my way from now on, this is where I live. Sometimes I passed a farm, but mostly this road consists of meadows. A milk truck turned into the road to the farm just ahead of me, parking backwards on the road. The driver waved because I had to wait. It was a long road and I was at the end of it. I passed a stately mansion with a lovely French garden in front of it and the neighbours' large barns behind it with their large tree nursery and their proudly waving flags and a few hundred meters further number 15 came into view. Finally! I am home. I slowed down, sorted into an empty road and finally turned into the driveway.

But the disappointment was great. In my mind it was a friendly not very big farm but all I could see were bushes and young trees and a sagging fence hiding the farm from view. For a moment I doubted whether I was right because that is how I do not recognize the farm of my youth. But the old little apple tree still stood at the corner of it, and the shed nearby still stood, though the roof had partially collapsed. Half way down the road and on the driveway I put the car on the parking brake and got out.

Yes, this is it, number fifteen, but so badly neglected. So different from my memory with the well-kept vegetable garden and flower garden. With great effort I pushed the gate aside. I needed all my strength for that. It was cold, a strong wind blew around me. I drove the car into the yard and looked for the key to the front door between the envelopes of the notary. I got out and locked the car. I left the stuff in there. Disillusioned, I looked around. What a mess.

Weeds everywhere, tall saplings and lots of dead undergrowth. Yes, I was home, but it was so different from what I imagined. The green letterbox had slumped completely and in a corner lay some old tractor tires that were completely overgrown, dumped. I could not believe it. First I walked past the farm where my grandmother used to bloom her beautiful scented roses. Now they were ugly and overdone. Almost unrecognizable. The hydrangeas were brown and some had been cut into pieces. The boxwood sides hadn't been kept up for years and the herb garden looked more like nettle than herb. I looked around and my heart sank. What a deserted place. I walked back to the car and looked at the large partial doors that were closed. I couldn't get them open. None of the keys fit. A small green door, where the cows' dung once went out into a now unused dung heap full of leaves and a pool of water, had been nailed shut. On the other side I came to the utility room door which was so filthy. There were a few broken pots and a blown over bucket. I tried the key and finally got the door open. It was quite tight. But I came in. In a green old vase stood a kind of dry bouquet. An old shaky table in the small room with the empty coat rack next to it. A few buckets in the corner and on a wooden kitchen chair lay some very old advertising brochures. In my memory this was a sunny utility room with my grandfather's cap on the coat rack and his clogs by the door. I walked on and came out in the real kitchen. It was so cold inside and I could see the breath of my breath. This was the center of the farm. We were always here. I tried the light switch, another old-fashioned switch, but I couldn't get any power. It stayed dark. The large table still stood in the middle, surrounded by all kinds of kitchen chairs. The plain white countertops were filthy and the cupboards on the walls were so old. This was my grandmother's domain. Here she cooked the delicious dishes and was always busy. Here the radio was always turned up when news and especially the weather was read out. And here, sitting at this table, my grandfather died. I couldn't take it anymore. I broke. The sunny memories so good were so contrary to reality. A cold old house where nothing worked and was about to collapse. It seemed like my life! I fell down and started to cry. I couldn't handle it.

The next thing I knew where two arms around me. I was startled and looked up. An older woman came into my face and took me into her warmth and her lovely house. Gerda, an older woman I still vaguely knew from my time with my grandparents, lived in the beautiful big house with huge barns behind it. She put a large steaming plate of vegetable soup in front of me and sat down opposite me and said; “When your grandfather died, my son cut off water and electricity. I'll ask if he's reconnecting. I cleaned up everything and threw away food. We've been keeping an eye on things ever since." I was grateful to her for it. The soup with a big hunk of freshly baked bread did me so good. Life seemed good again in the large, fully equipped luxury farmhouse kitchen. Her reading glasses were still on the newspaper she was still reading. I looked at Gerda. With her gray hair in a modern hairstyle, she was still a beauty. The wrinkles around her eyes betrayed humor and I remember she had always had a warm personality. "You've always done a lot for him since Grandma died." She always cooked a plate more and also did the shopping for him when he withdrew more and more, I remember. “I'm going to live there now.” Gerda looked at me and her eyes looked deeper than I expected. I think she also saw more than I suspected. At that moment I knew I had a girlfriend and that feels really good. The delicious vegetable soup warmed me but I suddenly felt so tired too. I had a sleep attack. Gerda removed the plate and immediately put it in the dishwasher. "You're going to have a good night's sleep." As a child I was taken to the large room where there was a couch and with a blanket around me I fell asleep in no time. I was so tired.

I was awakened from a deep sleep. I didn't know where I was and stammered and tried to remember. There was a man with dark hair and a resemblance to Gerda. This was her eldest son and for a moment I had to think about his name, oh yes Marcel. We had played as a child, although he thought girls were stupid. When we grew up, we grew apart. Childhood faded. I got up, folded the blanket.

“Mom is busy at your house. Are you coming to help her?” He immediately turned and was gone. Stunned, I followed him and walked outside to my house. I had trouble with Marcel's behavior but the cold wind and the walk on the bike path to my house refreshed me and when I walked into the yard of the address where I was going to live I saw that my car was gone. Through the pantry door that was open I entered the kitchen and saw Gerda busy vacuuming. It had clearly been cleaned and there were some plants in the windowsill. I saw my old chair in the corner and some more stuff coming out of the trailer. The wood stove was burning and it had suddenly become a cozy place. On the table were some cleaning products and in the short time that Gerda was working here she had worked wonders. I looked around surprised. Although this wasn't nearly as chic and pretty as her kitchen, she'd done her best. Gerda saw me and after sucking another corner she turned off the vacuum cleaner. “Oh, you're amazing,” I exclaimed. “How nice it is here.” “Everything works again. There is a pile of wood for the stove on the part and I have a plate of food for you on the stove.” "Oh." I hugged her lovingly. "You're a sweetheart." She responded by putting an arm around me as well, asking concerned, “Are you okay? You can sleep with us tonight.” For a moment I wanted to admit but I thought of the reaction of her son Marcel who woke me up apparently for no reason. "No, thank you, I'll be fine."

Gerda looked at me seriously. "Promise if there's anything wrong, you'll let me know." "I promise." And I mean it. Gerda was such a sweetheart. I really started to love that woman. "I'll keep the back door open tonight," she said. “And this is our phone number.” She pointed to the calendar on the wall where she had written her number. "Thank you." I loved her so much. Suddenly I was wondering if my mobile had been found yet, but actually I already knew that I had forgotten it. I couldn't call her. She put the vacuum cleaner back in the pantry cupboard and she left. Through the cleaned kitchen windows I saw her walking to her house.

Then I looked around and the silence fell on me. I walked over to the old big radio and it took me quite a few minutes to figure out how to get it on. After some crackling I had found a station with old pop songs and walked through the kitchen, finally taking off my coat and hanging it over a chair. Old cabinets with soft yellow colored windows where my grandmother's old crockery stood with beautiful gold knobs on them. A board that you could pull out and on which you could cut bread. From an old sideboard stood flower-patterned pans and glass dishes. I looked around. An old high fridge with nothing in it, but it was cleaned. The gas stove that was also shining. Gerda has been really busy. I stood in front of the wood stove for a while, but it gave off such heat that I couldn't last long. This was my house now. I still thought it was unreal but I felt a lot better. The plants in the kitchen looked good. I walked out of the kitchen and entered the living room which felt a lot colder, but luckily the gas stove was burning. There was a large heavy oak bench with a few loose chairs and a table with a heavy tablecloth on it. There I found the stereo with the CDs and DVDs and my books and my Buddha. My clothes also hung over the couch. Gerda had put out a few houseplants, really old-fashioned houseplants. A tobacco plant in the corner, cape violets in the windowsill, a clivia, I read written in block letters on a plant cutter. standing cold. Little water. I looked further with a smile. Large landscape painting with a large, almost square old television. An old-fashioned pick-up player in the large oak cabinet with very old LPs underneath. A glass crockery behind the glass windows. Really old fashioned books were in there. All kinds of memories emerged. My grandfather and grandmother used to sit here on Sundays and public holidays. Now it came across as oppressive. I'd much rather be in the kitchen. I had to go to the toilet and walked through the utility room to the part where it was actually dark. I saw my car part with the trailer disconnected. So it was put inside. The toilet had all brown tiles. I was glad Gerda had put detergent in it. Half a roll of gray toilet paper was still there. Glad I didn't have to use it. I needed to do some shopping.

The shower that was built next to it had funny little white tiles that took away the old-fashioned feeling. A tiny sink that looked out through a very dirty stable window. An old energy-guzzling bathroom heater hung above it. I didn't like sleeping upstairs and showering downstairs. Through the part I briefly opened the door that led to the large cellar below where I saw Grandma's preserving bottles. I didn't dare go in. It was cold there. There used to be a few dairy cows here. Later, grandma collected the berries and apples here to process them into delicious things. Now the side windows were dusty and filthy. There were potato crates and some other things, but I didn't feel like it. I hurried to the door behind which was the staircase. It was cold there too. There was no stove at all on the top floor. The smallest room was practically empty, I couldn't even get in. I walked to the main bedroom; my grandma and grandpa's bedroom. Their wooden bed with bedside tables still stood there. Above the bed hung in a heavy silver frame an old black and white wedding photo of my grandfather and grandmother. On the other side a large wooden wardrobe. I opened the closet and saw my grandparents' clothes. A life-size standing mirror showed me all the way. My eyes were dim. My hair hadn't had a comb in too long. Things had happened since I last saw myself. I quickly ran away, finding it too cold upstairs. The other bedroom had an old French bed that I had once slept in and with a shock I saw the dollhouse my grandfather had made for me. I was completely forgotten about it. But when I opened the door I saw the furniture and the little bendy dolls. A father and a mother and a daughter and a son.

At that time I missed the family feeling very much and my grandfather and grandmother. That hurt. Its sharpness cut through me. There were some children's drawings on the wall. They were so old. My name was in a corner with rooster feet.

Through the window I looked out over the meadows. What a happy, carefree time I had here. I couldn't believe I didn't go back sooner. I was glad to be back in the warm kitchen. It was already getting dark outside and in amazement I looked at the wall clock but it had stopped. It couldn't be so late, could it? Had I slept so long? I got hungry and looked at the food Gerda had made for me. Potatoes with a piece of sausage and beans. I warmed it up and ate everything. It was delicious! At that time, the news was on the radio. "Good evening. This is the six o'clock news.” I had slept really long. I sat down at the kitchen table and thought. It was too late to do anything. I wanted to use my laptop but I had no internet here. I grabbed a glass of water and started thinking. First of all get groceries and return the trailer. I could already pay an extra day. I searched and found a disc block and pen in the table drawer. With that I started writing everything down. The things I had to do. Getting a cell phone, arranging things on the internet, shopping. Yes, I started writing all those things down. It became quite a list. Then I took the cushions from the sofa in the room. I didn't dare to sleep upstairs alone. I made myself a bed with my coat and clothes and turned off the radio and locked the front door after brushing my teeth. At first I doubted whether I should go to Gerda but decided not to.

My first night at my farm on the Eikenlaan (oaklane) in another part of the Netherlands. It took some getting used to lying on the floor in the kitchen, but with the stove on it became a night where I got a lot of sleep. Though I did wake up a few times, remembering where I was and adding things that came to mind to my list. The next day I awoke to the dawning light. I turned on the radio and lay down for a while. The stove was off and my fiddling didn't help. I couldn't get the stove burning. My list was pretty full, lots to do today. So I got up quickly and grabbed some clothes in the room and took them to the shower. I turned on the heating there which immediately started to stink. With the door slightly open I showered but couldn't find a towel anywhere so I dried off with a T-shirt of my own. I tied my hair back in a ponytail. Back in the kitchen I drew a line above my eyes and grabbed my bag. There was nothing edible to be found at all. I cleaned up the sofa cushions and took the key to the utility room door and locked it, checked it to make sure it was really closed and via the part I started my car and coupled the trailer to it. Only eight o'clock.

Fortunately the sun was already up. I drove the car out and closed the partial doors again. And a moment later I was gone. First of all, I completely emptied my account. The automatic settlement for the rent of Fabian, that adulterous boyfriend, should take place soon and that could not be written off. Now it could not be deposited into his account. With many hundreds of euros in my wallet and some under the car seat, I delivered the trailer and paid. Then the big shopping started. With a sandwich on my fist I bought a cheap prepaid Nokia. I bought an electric blanket, towels, shower stuff and so much more. I went to department stores and big chunks of money flew out of my wallet. Bed linen, a Senseo coffee machine, a radio alarm clock, kettle, flashlight, really everything. By now it had already been twelve o'clock when I spent so much on groceries in the supermarket that I could barely fit it in the car. I already had the trunk completely full and the back seat got really full. Finally I stopped at the animal shelter which had a place outside. The dogs that were outside started barking.

That day I had felt good, but now I was having a hard time. I had to confess to myself that I had been scared last night, all alone in the farm, and decided to get a watchdog. Hesitantly I went to the reception where a cat was lying on the counter in a basket. There were leaflets and a few “wanted a cat” placards on the bulletin board and a few thank you cards from animals that had found a nice home. There was a guy on the phone so I waited a while for him to finish. It was cold in the reception and I was glad I had my jacket on. Uncertainty set in again. Did I do it right? But luckily my first night on my farm took away the shock of the day I lost everything. "Hey."I'm looking for a watchdog." I greeted the man as he finished his phone call. The asylum worker appraised me and said, “Just walk with me.” And through a door I entered a hall where at the end of it you came through a door into a room with all the dogs that all started barking. “Are there children?” he asked. "No I'm alone." I could barely make myself understood. The shelter man nodded at a Rottweiler who is pacing nervously. “It needs very tight leadership.” I shook my head. I'm not that good. My attention was drawn to a sheepdog that has laid down. "And that?" “Female about 4 years old. A distance dog. Do you want to walk with her?” I looked at her, “Good. What is her name?" He looked at the ticket clamped to the bars. “Sheena.” He picked up a leash that hung there and leash her. I looked at her, she was quietly standing next to the man.

How different it was when we were outside. She pulled on the leash and sniffed back and forth. I knew that man was watching me. So I stopped and pulled hard on the leash and tapped my leg. “Sheena, sit.” To my surprise, she did. I patted her on the head. This became my dog. I let her out for a while and watched her closely. She sniffed wherever she could and peed somewhere else. I took her to the shelter man to sort things out. “You have fourteen days to bring her back. Then you get your money back. But a dog does need a few months to really get used to it. She has been sterilized and if she gets sick you can go to our vet at our expense, call first. If there's something you can't take care of her, she'll have to go back. She remains the property of the shelter.”

With Sheena sitting by my side, I signed the papers and paid the hefty price. The man looked at me attentively when he read my address. “That's outside the village, isn't it,” I agreed. “Want to have some feral cats. Costs nothing. They have been neutered or spayed, dewormed and not suitable for a family home. They are too wild for that. They are excellent mouse catchers.” That was bad. I couldn't look that far ahead. "I'm not making a decision on that yet. Let me think about it.” I already thought the dog was a big responsibility. With the sheepdog's passport and a few brochures about shelter dogs, I walked with Sheena to my car where there was only a small space for the German Shepherd dog. Finally I drove to the pet store and bought food and bowls and a brush and dog biscuits. I was looking at a basket but I couldn't get it in my full car. Sheena stared intently at the store, wagging her tail gently as I set the stuff down to her. She couldn't even lie down. Back home in a packed car. I had been away for a long time and never spent so much money.

I came home at half past four. Tired and hungry. I parked the car in part again and started to take everything out and clean up. Turns out I forgot to turn off the radio. I saw that Gerda had been there too. She had left a note inviting her to dinner. Sheena was sniffing around. I turned on the fridge and was the first to clear out the groceries. Then the items I had bought and after a lot of walking back and forth I finally had the car empty. The entire counter and kitchen table were full.

I had spent more than seven hundred euros! Feeling tired and still exited I went upstairs and made my old bed with the new electric blanket in it. New pillow and new duvet cover. Then I fed the dog with chunks of meat and went to Gerda, taking my new mobile.