The illusion of forever E-Book

Rolf van der Wind

• Herausgeber: tredition
• Kategorie: Gesellschafts- und Liebesromane
• Sprache: Englisch

Seitenzahl: 157

Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2021

Beschreibung

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. First, you should fail to be able to understand yourself genuinely. When you do, the struggle begins. The mind provides a person with the mental fortitude to survive any physical or spiritual crisis when the goal is set in your mind sharp enough. The protagonist If he had to lose his search for love, he would rather lose himself.

Leseprobe

© 2021 Rolf Van der Wind

Verlag und Druck: tredition GmbH,

Halenreie 40-44, 22359 Hamburg

ISBN

Paperback: 978-3-347-32172-4

Hardcover: 978-3-347-32173-1

e-Book: 978-3-347-32174-8

Das Werk, einschließlich seiner Teile, ist urheberrechtlich geschützt. Jede Verwertung ist ohne Zustimmung des Verlages und des Autors unzulässig. Dies gilt insbesondere für die elektronische oder sonstige Vervielfältigung, Übersetzung, Verbreitung und öffentliche Zugänglichmachung.

The illusion of forever.

Chapter I

Looking back.

We make some decisions, almost unconsciously. After so many years, I found myself walking along the long white beach, visiting a well-known spot that meant so much to her and me a long time ago. I thought of her and how she loved this part of the country. The sea's cold and sparkling blue seems to bring back yesterdays. Although I am aware that we will pass through death and ages lengthen before witnessing this scene together again, I feel close to Carol. Some memories are lasting. They are unique, and the details are the reasons for refusing to leave me alone. Today I drove close by without realizing where I was. Suddenly her memory crossed my mind, and it was then I decided to stop and revive old remembrances.

What we remember softens over time. What I remember is just that we were happy, not the individual moments that caused our joy. It was a different me when I was with her. She ignited the desire to change in me, to be a better person. So many recollections I would recast.

Carol's memories were tangible and heavy, and I had carried them with me long after we went separate ways. I have tried to block out the memories of the past. The memory of something painful retains its power. Every time they return, I get mixed feelings in my heart. Looking at pictures of those days is pleasant to me, which renews our time together and relieves the regret for their absence by a false and empty easiness and acceptance.

The existential error is to believe that the problem goes away by remembering the good times and forgetting the rest. Here on this white sand, Carol had laid down beside me and slid her arm beneath my head, lying her head on my chest. How much we did enjoy listening to the sound of the sea, reminding each other of the beautiful times and secrets we only knew. I can look back to the categorical knowledge that right then, at that moment, there was room for nothing but happiness in my heart.

She was a ray of sunshine, a lasting warm summer rain, a bright fire trying to stay alive inside my cold heart, and now she would not write or call me because she finally understood. She had tried with all her heart to save the man she loved but with time discovered that it was an impossible task. In the winter of our time, she realized that it was foolish to try to give something I did not want to have.

It feels sad and pleasing in this world of memories, where nothing is unknown to recall thoughts of yesterday. Now that it is all over, I see the wasted time in our life together.

Now I look back at so many years spent sharing fighting tears. After having fought, I recall knowing that I was happy to end the relationship but never did. Why can we not let the past die?

I knew she did not want more silent tears, no more gazing across wasted years but saying goodbye was hurting us too. Carol needed the strength to be able to say goodbye. Some changes in our lives are not freely taken but forced by events out of control. A sudden change of job or the end of a renting contract triggers the necessary steps that bring other changes to follow.

Later after a few months, gradually, her memory slipped a little, as memories do. There is an unconscious healing process within the mind that mends up our broken hearts despite our desperate determination never to forget. I do not want her to miss me simply because I will not ever know about that. It does not affect me anymore what she says or does.

Memories are images in our brain; each one brings its sorrow or its smile. It is sad and blue to see how a stranger became part of me, and after time that part of me left, turning her into a stranger again. It shows that we were ultimately never as one as we pretended to be.

Every morning I am slowly growing accustomed to the fact that one side of the bed would always be empty. The worst moments are when, walking along the beach, I realize that I have forgotten the exact blue of her eyes or the way her hand felt while walking hand in hand as we always did.

I was never in love enough to stay in love, never needed to leave anything unchanged, but the selfdestructing notion in my mind demanding that everything must die overpowered my desire to stay with her. It is the life that matters, the eternal and constant process of getting in touch with reality and death. A world that only knows changes, and now all I have is my memories. The rest is gone, not forgotten, but over. Lovers long for everlasting love. It is easy to imagine the lover's desires but very easy to fail in their commitment.

I feel saddest for those who once knew what wisdom was but lost or became numb to the wonder of existence. We all need skills to defend, keep our spirits, survive, and find happiness. How easily we get confused and lose our ways. How crazy is it to try to force life the way we expect it to be? To believe that we can only achieve happiness when we conquer dreams but do not take enough time to decide what to dream. Why so many of us felt their emotions floating away and did not care about losing them, I guess it is horrifying, not caring enough about the loss.

I taught myself to display indifference to all the actions and passions of this world. Detachment is not giving up things but accepting the fact and being consciously aware that nothing is permanent. The possessions themselves were not the problem of my unhappiness; my relationship with possessing love and maintaining it caused destruction in my life. Since I practice scarcity as if the things I cherish are already lost or broken, I feel better.

I hope Carol never has to think as much as I think about her and our time together. I hope that her life goes as it went before we met. I felt nostalgic for what never was. We had good times, but there is a regret of not being able to be someone else. The absurdity of all this is that I

knew it would happen, and, even worse, I know it will happen again and again because I like to be this way.

To think that everything is predetermined is boring and puts us like pawns on a chess table. If you are probably one of these people, you can probably be happy; you cannot do much after all. On the other hand, if all depends on your free will, you can probably enjoy the ride too. As long as you accept the conditions, you can be living a satisfying existence. The problem is on the rest of us, the eternally rebels with or without a cause. We do not take anything for granted, and nothing is deserved. No God to held responsible for the surrounding chaos.

I try to rebel against destiny. The chaos of my love is proof of it. Do you know what distresses me the most about her? If I sit down and start to write about her, everything about us feels like an eternity ago. I must admit that I do not know and maybe never knew her well. How many memories can I describe? Where did all go? But this is it. She is gone, and most probably, we will never meet again. All the chaos of sharing our lives is over. I would like to know if, for her, there were an instant worth remembering?

I guess I must retake my plans for today, knowing that somehow, she left a mark in me that I cannot erase and not forget even if I wish to forget all.

Before leaving the white sand of this beach, I tell the wind that saw us together last time I was here that I love her in my very own way. Trying hard to forget her and knowing that I will never do.

How could I have believed that she would just fade out of my mind like autumn leaves? She was a knowledgeable girl with a strong mind, with a good sense of humor and irony in her jokes. She will continue to be hardworking, creative, passionate in all that she does. The desire to reach her dreams will not let them be dreams forever.

This girl slipped out of my dream in my life, ceased to exist, but in my memories keeps returning, calling my name. One day I will reverse time and go back to the house where we lived together; I will again walk the streets we used to walk hand in hand. I will see her hiding behind a tree, waiting for me to come and scare me or steal something from my grocery bag. All of this I will do just to feel her closer, just to feel the pain in thinking of what could have been but never was.

Chapter II

A new horizon.

It was still early in the morning when I opened my eyes. I could tell from the light in my room that another hot day was coming. Outside, the sky was blue, with not a single cloud on the horizon. I like these few seconds between dreams and reality. There is a pleasure in my hesitant consciousness, waking up to a new day.

A long time ago, I decided to look for a job that could allow me to travel and change places frequently. For the last 5 years, I have been working at a large company based here in the US. as a marketing manager. In my position, I am responsible for managing the promotion and positioning of a brand of products and services that my company sells. I must create and balance a competitive business strategy with a creative vision.

On one side, this job is a curse because no one voluntarily chooses to always change address and coworkers. After 5 years, I have maybe only two or three people I can call friends. On the other hand, it is a dream come true because it makes me feel alive. Since young, I had the rarest desire always to be somewhere else.

Most of my time, I do work with art directors, product developers, sales executives, public relations managers, and other employees to create engaging marketing campaigns. It may not sound awe-inspiring, but people like me are responsible for increasing global sales in many ways. I must be aware of global market trends and develop products that meet demand worldwide.

The IGUM Corporation was incorporated in April 1991. Our business concept is simply expressed uniquely. It offers products in the United States, Canada, Europe, and throughout Latin America.

When I joined IGUM in 2014, we already had customers in more than 45 countries worldwide. Nevertheless, the international expansion plans were far from complete. My work concentrated initially on domestic products, but later I was assigned to countries outside the US. My duty was to determine which countries would require longer-term investments and which had the potential to offer us faster near-term growth. We developed a five-part framework that can help the company to create a more targeted expansion strategy.

Working in marketing is more than merely selling a product internationally. Preferably, it includes the whole process of planning, producing, placing, and promoting a company's products in a worldwide market. Large businesses often have offices in the foreign countries they market to, but with the expansion of the Internet, even small companies can reach customers worldwide.

To be less technical, people like me need to understand what the customer wants to buy and achieve that goal.

Today I was consciously enjoying the gift of life that has been given to me. Though the room was quiet, my spirit was excited. I could sense the change the day would bring before I was even fully awake. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked if I would be interested in taking over a Scandinavia position. For me, it was a considerable challenge, one I was thrilled to take.

After many uncomfortably quiet and sullen mornings, I decided to always play music at the start of a good day. Not only did these songs help me get through those Monday blues, but the music in general also helped me start all of my mornings on the right side of the bed despite waiting for a long day at work. Later I prepared another coffee, and it was just another morning that made me realize that the most plain-speaking things are enough to be happy.

This new opening outside the US pulled me to the edge of madness. There were hope and fear. I instinctively knew that a stay abroad was a prerequisite for growth and evolution.

Waking up and going out into the world without knowing what each day holds, taking life as it comes, giving up any illusion of control that was the way I wanted to live.

Personally, I am not a great fan of meetings. It is a waste of time most of the time, so I nearly never attempt one or organize one unless I know what result I want out of it. Big companies tend to have too many meetings but no agenda, and by the end of the day, they have reached a resolution on absolutely nothing.

Today it was different. This meeting occurred at the precise moment in my career when I needed a change in my life. Now it was precisely when it would have the most significant impact on me.

In a startup, it does not matter if you are right all the time. What matters is having forward momentum and understandably presenting your vision.

At the end of the day, there were reasons to celebrate. I was the newly appointed manager of our office in Stockholm, and to my delight, the position was to be taken almost immediately.

I remember thinking to myself, "Sweden, I am coming. We may be complete strangers until will be not."

Many events added together in my mind until I felt that the time was ripe for looking back over the week, the year, and trying to figure out where I came from and where I was going to. This upcoming change was sincerely welcome. I felt that the time was right to start a new chapter in my life to change not only the address but myself. Personal growth was not planned to please others. I wanted to be different to emphasize interpersonal relationships. If the period living with Carol taught me something, that could be explained by saying that sharing life includes more than sharing a bed. When you start faking who you are, you start lying to yourself.

In the end, nobody has a chance to be happy.

Nobody must remain the way they are forever. We should be the person we aspire to be. Actual change requires work.

To think that only because I was going to be in a new country does not bring change automatically. I was convinced that the process would take time and effort. Rewarding personal growth requires motivation, the desire to educate yourself, and the willingness to make changes. I also needed to be prepared to get out of my comfort zone and sometimes do uncomfortable things, but I am convinced they are for my own good.

I have often heard people say, "Time heals all wounds." but I disagree. In time, our mind, protecting its sanity, find a way to lessen the pain, but it is never gone. I do not want to win Carol's heart back because deep inside, I know we would cry and hurt each other again. I still remember how strange I felt after she left. Even now, waking in the night, I miss not having her sleeping beside my side.

Sometimes listening to a song can take you back instantly to a moment bringing about beautiful things. The music will always remain the same tune, just like the memories. Undoubtedly, some things have to be forgotten if we want to go on living. The trouble is that beautiful moments exist not in what is seen and remembered but in what you keep in your heart, unable to forget. Carol used to joke about my easiness, forgetting the past. For me, it is sometimes primordial to forget or at least to try not to remember.

Fortunately, no matter how deep and unsatisfied I was feeling with myself, someone always watched over me. My father died years ago. I was very young and have not many memories of him. My mother was different; she was always there for me. The day she left this world, I was far away. It felt more comfortable to be so far away because I was exempted from grieving and saying the last farewell.

When one of our parents goes, then you know. Your life is ending. I know that well; her parting gave me a better understanding of myself. May her spirit allow me to manifest, create, and stop doing wrong. All her love will keep shining on me, helping me to reach beyond what I ever thought possible.

As an only child, I got accustomed to being by myself, and not having a large family made it worse. So, my mother and I spent a lot of time reading, listening to music or doing sport. I wanted a little brother or a little sister growing up, but I am happy I am an only child. When I hear all the trauma, some friends have dealt with brothers or sisters.

Maybe it was pathetic, but I wanted to live in a world where I could reproduce the stories I read in books, especially the romantic ones. I definitely gave myself more chances to put into practice all I had learned in the books than I should, but the end was never what I expected. In the heart matters, you cannot play a role and hope to experience true love.

By the time I was close to 30, my list of girls was numerous. When I seduced a girl, and she accepted, my body did go, but my heart stayed behind.

If Carol had not crossed my path, I would possibly be an irreparable case. She was who showed me the meaning of love. Now when I look into a girl's eyes, I care to know what the girl sees. If she is in search for love, I will not try to be a lover. I am in search of genuine love that reaches beyond the vague thrill of the conquest.