The Lizard of Oz E-Book

Richard Seltzer

• Herausgeber: Seltzer Books
• Kategorie: Lebensstil
• Sprache: Englisch
• Veröffentlichungsjahr: 2018

Seitenzahl: 150

Beschreibung

When an elementary class sets out on a quest to save the world from disenchantment, their adventures reveal paradoxes of the human mind and ways of awakening the magic within us. Library Journal -- "An intriguing and very entertaining little novel" Aspect -- "Carroll and Tolkien have a new companion" Lancaster (PA) Independent Press -- "a work so saturated that the mind is both stoned with pleasure and alive with wonder" Philadelphia Bulletin -- "A commentary on our times done delightfully"

Leseprobe

THE LIZARD OF OZ BY RICHARD SELTZER

Copyright 1974, 1988, 2018 by Richard Seltzer

Illustrated by Christin Couture

This is an expanded version of the underground classic, originally published in 1974.

Published by Seltzer Books

established in 1974, as B&R Samizdat Express

offering over 14,000 books

feedback welcome: [email protected]

Books by the Richard Seltzer available from Seltzer Books

The Name of Hero

Ethiopia Through Russian Eyes (translation from the Russian)

The Lizard of Oz

Now and Then and Other Tales from Ome

Saint Smith and Other Stories

The Gentle Inquisitor and Other Stories

Echoes from the Attic (with Ethel Kaiden)

Web Business Bootcamp (2002)

The Social Web (1998)

The Way of the Web (1995)

Heel, Hitler and Other Plays

Dryden's Exemplary Drama and Other Essays

CHAPTER ONE: THE HUMBUG

CHAPTER TWO: THE REDCOATS

CHAPTER THREE: THE POTHOLE

CHAPTER FOUR: POTHEAD LAND

CHAPTER FIVE: SIR REAL

CHAPTER SIX: EGGHEAD LAND

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE LIBRARY

CHAPTER EIGHT: BIG MACK

CHAPTER NINE -- PRINCE FROG

CHAPTER TEN -- THE RIVER

CHAPTER ELEVEN: THE UNDERWORLD

CHAPTER TWELVE: THE WEATHERMAN

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: THE LOWEST COURT

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: THE KNIGHTS OF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND TABLE

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE MOTHERS OF FACT

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: THE MUSES

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: CLOUD NINE

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: MR. SHERMIN

CHAPTER NINETEEN: REVIEW OF THE TROOPS

CHAPTER TWENTY: REDLAND

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: THE MOORS

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: MISS OSBORNE'S DREAM

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE -- THE MOUTH OF THE NILE

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: CAPTAIN AHAB

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: NATURE AND SCIENCE

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: THE GREAT DRAGON OF OME

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: WINTHROP

APPENDIX -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT

CHAPTER ONE: THE HUMBUG

The day after yesterday, the fire of enchantment burnt low, and children; and even grownups, found nothing new in the world, nothing worth seeing or doing or bothering about, except machines. There was no magic left, except in a classroom in Winthrop, Massachusetts, where a pair of talking fish, Mrs. O'Rourke and Mr. Shermin, lived in a fishbowl.

Their school was near the airport, across the harbor from Boston. The sound of planes overhead was loud everywhere but in the basement, where two classes had the good luck to be assigned. The teachers, Miss Osborne and Miss Shelby, were friends and had removed the partition so the classes could be together. It was an extraordinarily bright and creative set of kids and teachers. The principal was so proud of them that he suspended normal rules so they could go on field trips whenever the weather and the mood were right. It was as a field trip that the quest began that took them to Oz and to Ome to bring back enchantment to the world.

It all began one morning when Mrs. O'Rourke got out of bed and stretched her fins and shouted, "Good morning, everybody!" just like she always did on school days. But this time no one answered. So she wiggled to the front of the fishbowl and pressed her eyes against the glass. The whole class was there:  Eugene and Mark and Linda S. and Linda C. and Cindy and Donny and Peter and Gaynell and Kathy. But no one was smiling or laughing or playing. They all looked blank and bored and disenchanted.

So Mrs. O'Rourke wiggled to the other end of the fishbowl, where Mr. Shermin lived. Mr. Shermin knew most everything. He used to be a teacher until he decided he wanted to be a fish, and then he knew how to make himself a fish, which not many people, even teachers, know how to do.

Mr. Shermin said, "It's the Humbug."

  "The Humbug?" asked Mrs. O'Rourke.

"Yes, the Humbug. You may think that noise in the sky is airplanes. But, no; that's the Humbug. He's been flying around beating on his humdrum and disenchanting everybody. I was afraid we'd start to hear him down here. It was just a matter of time. "

"But where can we go? What can we do?"

"Calm down now, Mrs. O'Rourke. Calm down." Mr. Shermin could just imagine what it would be like living in a fishbowl with Mrs. O'Rourke if she didn't have anybody to talk to but him. So he tried hard to think of a way to break the disenchantment.

Mrs. O'Rourke calmed down and cheered up and calmed down -- up down, up down, like on a sea-saw, only she wasn't at sea, just in a fishbowl, waiting for Mr. Shermin to think of how to get the world back to its usual enchanted self.

"The only way to break the disenchantment," he told her, "is to make the Humbug change his tune. But only the Lizard of Oz can make him do that."

"The Lizard?"

"Many stories in books and movies tell about the Wizard of Oz and his Emerald City. In those stories, that city isn't really emerald. The Wizard makes everyone wear glasses with green lenses that make everything look green. He's just an ordinary person who pretends to be magic. Well, those stories were written by the Humbug. He wants everyone to think that enchantment is make-believe. The Humbug doesn't want people to know about the Lizard. So he wrote about The Wizard, hoping people would confuse this make-believe Wizard with the real Lizard. And because he wrote such good stories, everyone remembers the Wizard, instead of the Lizard."

"But who is the Lizard of Oz?"

"A magical creature who lives in the green green grass of Ome."

"Ome?"

"Yes, Ome is the nicest part of Oz, with lakes and trees and lots of grass to roll in."

"How can we get there?" asked Mrs. O'Rourke.

"The best way is in a little green VW."

Mrs. O'Rourke remembered that Miss Osborne had a little green VW. But before she could say that, she saw Eugene, the tallest of the kids, standing next to the fishbowl.

"Can I help?" Eugene asked.

"Holy mackerel!" exclaimed Mrs. O'Rourke. "Mr. Shermin," she asked. "I thought you said the children are disenchanted?"

Mr. Shermin explained, "They haven't heard the Humbug much because they've been down here in the basement at school. So they're not as disenchanted as everyone else. And Eugene, at least, can still hear us."

Just then they heard a dull humming noise through the windows, then faint words repeated over and over, "Humdrum Humbug beating on his humdrum. Humdrum Humbug beating on his humdrum..."

"Quick, Eugene!" shouted Mr. Shermin. "Put cotton in your ears! And tell everyone else to put cotton in theirs. Maybe it's not too late. You kids may still be enchanted enough to reach Oz and roll through the green green grass of Ome and find the Lizard and get him to change the Humbug's tune."

CHAPTER TWO: THE REDCOATS

Eugene was the only in the class who could still hear Mr. Shermin clearly enough to grasp what he had to say. He got everyone to put cotton in their ears, so they couldn't hear the Humbug. Then he told them what Mr. Shermin had told him about why they needed go to Oz and Ome and find the Lizard.

It being a beautiful spring day, Miss Osborne had wanted to take the class on a field trip. She had changed her mind when it turned out that everyone was down and disgruntled. Now nearly all of them caught Eugene's enthusiassm. So she agreed that they should go; and Oz was as good a destination as any.

Kevin was the only one who objected. "I'm too big for kids' stuff."

But Miss Shelby said, "The fresh air will do you good. And you know very well that whatever we do, we do together."

So, along with everyone else, Kevin piled into Miss Osborne's little green VW.

That was a very crowded little green VW with Eugene and Mark and Linda S. and Linda C. and Donny and Joey and Timmy and Miss Osborne and Kevin and Peter and Miss Shelby and Gaynell and Kathy and Cindy, who got to hold the fishbowl, because she's very careful, and it takes a very careful person to hold a fishbowl when you're sitting on Linda S., and Linda S. is sitting on Eugene, and Kathy is stretched across your belly, and your knees are touching the ceiling. But Mr. Shermin had said that the best way to get to Oz is in a little green VW, and Mr. Shermin knew most everything.

When they got to the first intersection, Miss Osborne asked, "Which way is Oz?"

Donny told her, "Just follow the yellow-brick road."

She laughed, "That may sound easy, Donny, but where's the yellow-brick road? Have ever seen a yellow-brick road in Winthrop?"

Mr. Shermin answered, "No trouble, Miss Osborne. No trouble at all. I have a magic coin. I'll flip it at every intersection. Heads we'll turn right. Tails we'll turn left. And if it stands on end, we'll go straight ahead. We'll get to Oz and to Ome in no time."

Miss Osborne couldn't hear Mr. Shermin, so Eugene repeated what he had said.

Miss Osborne laughed and went along with the game. It was a such a beautiful day that she didn't care where they went.

Soon they were blocks and blocks away from school, and nobody knew where they were, except Mr. Shermin, who told Eugene, who told everyone. And Miss Shelby gave the class a geography lesson.

"Travel is educational," she said. And she, too, was learning the names of the streets. She could never have known them if Mr. Shermin hadn't known, because there weren't any street signs.

Mr. Shermin explained and Eugene repeated, "They built the streets without signs back in the days of the Revolution to confuse the British. Every once in a while you can still see a troop of redcoats marching through the streets. Most people assume that it's some sort of parade; but no, it's the redcoats trying to find their way home."

"Thank you, Mr. Shermin," Miss Shelby chuckled. "That's very amusing."

Everybody started looking for the redcoats.

Donny, with his brand-new glasses, was the first to see them. "Gosh, they look awfully tired," he said.

Mr. Shermin explained, "Yes, of course they're tired. They've been marching for two hundred years."

The Redcoat Sergeant waved like he wanted to ask something; so Miss Osborne stopped the VW, and the Sergeant said, "Pardon me, ma'am, but could ye tell me 'ow to get 'ome from 'ere?"

Donny said, "Gosh, they're going the same place we are."

Miss Shelby corrected him, "No, Donny, we're going to Ome, but he wants to go home. You see, some of the British don't pronounce their h's; so when they mean to say 'home', they say ''ome'." Miss Shelby was very pleased that this field trip was turning out to be so educational.

But Mr. Shermin said and Eugene repeated, "Not so fast, Miss Shelby. You never know about these things. It just may be... It just may be ... Tell me, Sergeant, what sort of place is this Ome you're looking for?"

"Oh, I long for the green green grass of 'ome."

Mr. Shermin explained, "It's a sad case. They're disenchanted and very efficient. You can see how smartly they march after two hundred years of marching; and they can probably go on marching for another two hundred years. But they still remember what Ome is like; and the more disenchanted they get, the more they feel they need to get there. But only enchanted people can ever get there."

Eugene told the Sergeant what Mr. Shermin had said, because the Sergeant was disenchanted and couldn't hear Mr. Shermin himself.

The Sergeant didn't seem to understand anything but that they couldn't help him; so all he said was, "Oh-'um," very softly, and the soldiers started marching again, smartly, but wearily, through the unmarked streets.

CHAPTER THREE: THE POTHOLE

So far everybody was having fun: bouncing up and down with the bumpy road, counting buildings and cars and telephone poles, and singing "row row your boat" and "found a peanut" and "the ants are marching one by one." At every intersection, Mr. Shermin flipped his magic coin with his flipper and said which way to go.

Then, just as the ants were marching a thousand by a thousand, the VW stopped.

"What is it?" asked Gaynell. "I can't see a thing back here."

"Gosh," said Donny, "It looks like a pothole, but it's huge. I bet it's big enough to hold at least three VWs."

"Donny," warned Miss Shelby, "don't lean out the window."

"But, Miss Shelby," he answered, "this hole doesn't have a bottom."

Miss Osborne said, "It looks like the road to Oz is closed. Maybe we should go to the Children's Museum instead."

But Mr. Shermin said and Eugene repeated, "No, Miss Osborne, we're right on course. Straight ahead. Drive straight ahead. The magic coin just stood on end and the magic coin is never wrong."

Linda S. said, "I've been to the Children's Museum before, and it's really nice."

Nobody wanted to drive into a bottomless pothole.

"I don't think driving into bottomless potholes could be very educational," said Miss Shelby.

Miss Osborne was ready to turn around when Gaynell accidentally tumbled at her, and the VW lurched forward and fell.

"Gosh," said Donny, "the whole car rolled over."

"It's like we're on an elevator," added Gaynell. "Only there aren't any lights to tell us what floor we're on -- no lights at all."

"And we're up-side down," said Donny.

Miss Shelby, who was on top now and trying hard not to squash anybody, explained, "No, Donny, we're falling very fast and it just seems that we're up-side down."

"But it's dark," said Kathy. "How can you tell if we're right-side up or left-side up or up-side down?"

"You're right, Kathy," admitted Miss Shelby. "But if we were right-side up and squashed against the ceiling, that would mean we weren't just falling. If we were just falling, nobody would be squashed. We'd be weightless, like on a spaceship. We'd only be squashed like this if something stronger than gravity had hold of the car and were pulling it down. And things like that are simply impossible."

"Eugene!" called Miss Osborne.

"Yes, Miss Osborne?"

"Ask Mr. Shermin which way should we go now."

"Ask the next witch you see," Eugene answered confidently.

"Witch?"

"Mr. Shermin says that down here, where there aren't any streets to turn left or right or straight ahead on, his magic coin isn't much good. But any witch can show us the witch way to Oz."

All the kids started looking for a witch.

"Donny!" called Miss Shelby, "don't lean out that window. You know perfectly well there's nothing to see in all that dark."

"But what's that over there, Miss Shelby?" asked Donny.

"That's a ... a ..."

"A witch, dearie," answered the Witch, who was sitting on a bucket and riding a red broomstick. She had headlights on her head and footlights on her feet.

Before Miss Osborne could say anything to the Witch, the Witch said, "So you want to go to Oz."

"How did you know?"

"What else would you be doing, flying down a pothole in a little green VW stuffed with sixteen people?"

Mark asked, "Why are you sitting on a bucket? It looks awfully uncomfortable."

"All the latest models come with bucket seats. You don't have much choice."

Then the Witch leaned back, and started flying away.

"Wait!" called Miss Osborne. "Miss Witch, which way should we go?"

The Witch yelled back, "You'll get ahead if you get a head; so go straight ahead, and get an empty head that's gone to pot; then go behind and you will find the spot you have in mind."

"Whatever could she mean?" asked Miss Osborne as the witch's lights faded in the distance.

"Well, hurry up. Do like she said," Mr. Shermin ordered and Eugene repeated. "Drive straight ahead, or we'll miss the intersection."

Miss Osborne couldn't see any intersection or any road, and she knew they wouldn't go anywhere if she hit the gas, but she did so all the same.

CHAPTER FOUR: POTHEAD LAND

Suddenly, there was light.

Eugene and Mark and Miss Shelby groaned because they were on the bottom again.

Cindy screamed because the water had spilled out of the fishbowl.

And Kathy screamed because she was soaking wet and Mr. Shermin and Mrs. O'Rourke were squirming on her belly.

"What's going on?" asked Gaynell, wiping water from her face.

"Gosh," said Donny, "look at all the funny people."

"I don't know who you're talking about, Donny," Miss Shelby corrected him. "I can't see from here. But whoever they are, you shouldn't make fun of them. "You shouldn't make fun of anyone."

"But it looks like a bunch of flowerpots are walking around," he answered.

"Really?" asked Timmy.

Kathy and Gaynell giggled.

Miss Osborne was so flustered she asked Mr. Shermin directly, "Where are we? You got us here. Can you explain what's going on?"

And, much to her surprise, she heard Mr. Shermin when he replied, "Well, this must be Pothead Land. Here, everybody has flowerpots instead of heads; and since they can't see where they're going, they're tripping all the time."

"What's that one?" asked Gaynell, pulling herself up to the window.

"That's a pot-bellied pothead," said Kathy."

"Gosh, he's covered with mud," Donny said.

"We're down-to-earth people," replied the Pot-bellied Pothead. "Earthenware is our natural dress. That and wonderwhere."

"Wonderwhere?"

"Yes, I wonder where my head's at."

"Oh, there's a water fountain," said Miss Osborne, opening the door and letting everyone out. "We need to fill the fishbowl quickly for Mr. Shermin and Mrs. O'Rourke."

So they walked over to the fountain, and Miss Shelby read the sign, "Potable water. Potable. That's a good long word for you to learn today. That means the water is clean enough to drink and clean enough for Mr. Shermin and Mrs. O'Rourke."

Cindy, who was carrying the fishbowl, stepped up to the fountain.

"Not so fast," said the Pot-bellied Pothead. "That's a potable water fountain."

"Yes, I know," said Cindy, and she smiled; and Miss Shelby smiled, too, because Cindy had learned the lesson.